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Healing is not linear...


GiaK
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Healing is not linear. (we hear that all the time, for good reason).  For me healing is like a spiral staircase with a good dose of yoyo all the way up….
 

So, when folks want to pathologize our healing process we can tell them, *healing* is a highly disordered process…in that the fact that it’s radically non-linear makes it hard to know what is happening…and some of it involves going into the depths of the unknown…indeed healing require becoming very comfortable with the unknown. That’s not pathological but sometimes things look pretty dicey for sure.
 

Psychiatry, if nothing else, wants to concretize the chaos that can actually open up and become beautiful if we are allowed to move through it. Instead they stop the process with drugs and the chaos becomes crystallized, painful, stuck insanity.  Insanity and/or pathology is the suppression of the chaos, not the chaos itself. Life force must flow. Sometimes it’s chaotic…generally, it’s chaotic. Come on. We want to control everything but life says NO WAY.

more on healing
 

***

I told my story. Loudly and publicly. It’s been important to a lot of people. Still, now, the message I get most loudly is SHUT UP. It doesn’t mean all the time, but often. And so I try to move through my life a bit more quietly now.
 

sitting with what being silent is like is rather illuminating sometimes!

As the nervous system quiets so does the mouth.  😆


 

Remember, telling the story is important when it’s time to tell it!  For all who hold toxic secrets that are making them sick

More about our stories

 

***

We are simultaneously both broken and embodied perfection… no story really holds that — it’s time to dive off the storyboard all together
 

***

If “self-medicating” is done with mindful awareness it is often far better and is healthier than subjecting oneself to neurotoxic pharma. Supporting oneself during healing processes is self care. Learning to listen to and respond to the body is the healing process. Self-medicate? Sounds like another way we are nasty to ourselves. We learn to support ourselves in healthier and healthier ways as we pay attention to our bodies. If we use substances that aren’t ideal they can fall away as our body indicates they are no longer needed. This is harm-reduction and can be practiced with any substance (legal or illegal)  and includes food. Harm-reduction can become a way of life as we come to respect our environment as well.

 

 

 

 

healing-is-not-linear-e1566995351236.jpg

Edited by ChessieCat
removed obscenity

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds 

https://beyondmeds.com/

withdrawn from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.
 

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Thanks @GiaK for this reminder 

i have been feeling rotten at the moment. Currently in a wave and feeling trapped, in desperate need to escape. 

Put on sertraline in January 2016 50 mg. 100mg Feb 16-May18 

may 18 50 mg some withdrawals 

august 18 rapid taper off. September 22 put on 50 mg due to withdrawals 

 2 weeks later up to 100mg. Bad reaction 

on 100 for 4 weeks. Then 50 for two weeks 25 for two weeks and 25 every other day for a week 

off since 8 December having waves and windows 

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as long as it is possible to heal I am okay with the ups and downs .....I can handle it . I just hope I wont die on the way from all the stress on my nervous system . and I hope my brain will heal to begin with because I am scared that I ruined my brain .  if I heal from the meds (and stopping them cold turkey + alcohol + pot ) and all the derealization/depersonalization and extra panic and anxiety I will never b**** about my life ever again and will try to live life in its fullest .

Paxil (2005 + 2006 . dosage = 20-30mg )

Celexa (around 2012 + 2013 , dosage = 20mg iirc )

Effexor (2013  + 2014 . dosage was mostly 150mg )

Seroquel (2014 + 2015 . dosage  = 100mg ) 

Lexapro (2015 dosage = 20mg most of the time iirc)

Prozac (2016 / 2017 . dosage ranged from 20 to 40mg but most of the time it was 30 and 20 mg )

Effexor again + Perazine (also Amisulpride for 2 weeks) (2018 and Effexor until early 2019) . Effexor dosage was most of the time 225mg but also 150mg and perazine dosage was 100 or 200mg . I dont remember it well

Sulpiride sometimes when needed at low dose of 50mg in end 2018 early 2019

 

I have taken some other meds too but not for long . and Promethazine I still take sometimes . I  stopped many of the listed meds cold turkey unfortunately and also drank alcohol and smoked pot while I was taking them

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On 8/30/2019 at 11:32 PM, treesofgreen said:

... I will never b**** about my life ever again and will try to live life in its fullest .

 

There is always ever only right now. What does it mean to live life to the fullest right now?

These are the sorts of questions I asked and try to bring into my life.

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds 

https://beyondmeds.com/

withdrawn from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.
 

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On ‎8‎/‎28‎/‎2019 at 9:29 AM, GiaK said:

For me healing is like a spiral staircase with a good dose of yoyo all the way up

 

hello GiaK ,

I've read your story over and over . I've watched your videos too .. I know the first 5 years of your experience was terrible , but while we are talking "non-linear" , did you ever hit waves years out that felt like square one or worse ?

December 2014 - Lexapro 20 mg

August 2016 Med free (6 week taper)

December 22 2021  added Abilify 5mg / Ativan .5mg / Depakote ER 1000mg

Discontinued Abilify 5mg on 12-30-21---accidental dose on 1-13-22 (looks like Ativan)

Ativan PRN/Discontinued 1-14-22

Only drug is Depakote ER 1000mg ( looking to taper slow and safe for once )

3/24/22 Depakote 625mg 

Propranolol 20-40mg  PRN

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2 hours ago, Alice1 said:

 

hello GiaK ,

I've read your story over and over . I've watched your videos too .. I know the first 5 years of your experience was terrible , but while we are talking "non-linear" , did you ever hit waves years out that felt like square one or worse ?

 

yes. I ended up in ICU two years ago...almost died. that was 8 years out...the detox I'm dealing with now continues to be on the razor's edge. There is nothing easy about my life. And that's just the way it is. 

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds 

https://beyondmeds.com/

withdrawn from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.
 

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33 minutes ago, GiaK said:

I ended up in ICU two years ago...almost died.

 

Oh yes , I remember when that happened to you . They gave you something at the ER and WD came back ..  I was putting along with my WD , feeling terrible but was managing ok , then all of a sudden BAM !! , the biggest wave ever , and I just turned the 3 year mark .. I'm clueless on what happened . I was using Clorox Bleach while cleaning my house and was exposed to the fumes for a couple hours . That's the best I can think of ..

 

I have doing my best to follow your advice you spoke of in one of your videos about "allowing" the symptoms to exist, but was wondering if you think that will still help someone who pretty much CT'd  ( 6 week taper)

 

I know you were bedridden for 2 years , and then mostly in bed for another 2 or 3 after that . I wasn't sure if you could relate to my 3 year setback ..

 

I want to say thank you for your involvement at this site and Beyond Meds ..

December 2014 - Lexapro 20 mg

August 2016 Med free (6 week taper)

December 22 2021  added Abilify 5mg / Ativan .5mg / Depakote ER 1000mg

Discontinued Abilify 5mg on 12-30-21---accidental dose on 1-13-22 (looks like Ativan)

Ativan PRN/Discontinued 1-14-22

Only drug is Depakote ER 1000mg ( looking to taper slow and safe for once )

3/24/22 Depakote 625mg 

Propranolol 20-40mg  PRN

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you're welcome Alice. Allowing what is - is a practice that is good for anyone at anytime. it doesn't mean not responding to what is...it just means that we also accept that like it or not...THIS (whatever it is) is happening NOW. It's just practical really. Why fight what IS? this doesn't mean that we don't support and love the body into health - but just when we are not healthy we be with that. So yes, I always practice this and will until I die. Surrender to this moment now because it's all we've got. 

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds 

https://beyondmeds.com/

withdrawn from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.
 

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On 9/2/2019 at 6:56 PM, GiaK said:

 

 

There is always ever only right now. What does it mean to live life to the fullest right now?

These are the sorts of questions I asked and try to bring into my life.

 

not possible for me to enjoy life right now with all the extra anxiety ...all the stress on my nervous system ...all the obsessive thoughts etc etc . 

 

I really hope there is a happy end with this and that it wont take much time anymore 

 

at the same time I am aware that I have to try my best and live life the best way possible right now regardless of my situation because that will help improving my situation

Paxil (2005 + 2006 . dosage = 20-30mg )

Celexa (around 2012 + 2013 , dosage = 20mg iirc )

Effexor (2013  + 2014 . dosage was mostly 150mg )

Seroquel (2014 + 2015 . dosage  = 100mg ) 

Lexapro (2015 dosage = 20mg most of the time iirc)

Prozac (2016 / 2017 . dosage ranged from 20 to 40mg but most of the time it was 30 and 20 mg )

Effexor again + Perazine (also Amisulpride for 2 weeks) (2018 and Effexor until early 2019) . Effexor dosage was most of the time 225mg but also 150mg and perazine dosage was 100 or 200mg . I dont remember it well

Sulpiride sometimes when needed at low dose of 50mg in end 2018 early 2019

 

I have taken some other meds too but not for long . and Promethazine I still take sometimes . I  stopped many of the listed meds cold turkey unfortunately and also drank alcohol and smoked pot while I was taking them

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I stopped making happiness a goal a long time ago. I've actually written a lot critiquing the concept of happiness if you're interested you can do a search on my site for such articles. 

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds 

https://beyondmeds.com/

withdrawn from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.
 

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9 hours ago, GiaK said:

I stopped making happiness a goal a long time ago. I've actually written a lot critiquing the concept of happiness if you're interested you can do a search on my site for such articles. 

 

I know I have read that seeking happiness is not a good plan. working at something meaningful to you is a better one. 

might have happiness as a byproduct but that's just a bonus, I guess. 😊

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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This is a very good article about anti-drug psychiatrist, Dr. Szasz.

 

 

 

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper.   

March 22, 2022: hold at 4.8mg and shift to Imipramine taper

Aug. 5, 2022: shift to Valium taper.  

Current dose as of Aug. 5, 2022: 4.3mg

Taper is 77% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan-Sept 2016 tapered to 16mg.  

Held until Aug 2021, tapered for 4 weeks to 14.4mg

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper.  Current dose as of Aug. 5: 9.5mg 

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5 and shift to Valium taper

Taper is 87% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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"spiral staircase with a good dose of yoyo all the way up"

 

PRETTY MUCH NAILED IT

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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