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Rhiannon

☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

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Altostrata

Rhi has a "success story" topic here Rhi: Incremental success

 

Shall we continue the conversation there?

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Rhiannon

Hmm...I'm okay with continuing my thread there, or keeping it here. I'm going to be tapering for quite a while yet and I definitely have my ups and downs, but those will be with me after the taper's over too.

 

I'm pleased today to report that three weeks ago I had dental implant surgery and it's gone okay. I had to take antibiotics which messed me up and I felt pretty bad for a while, but that's settling out now too. The only thing that's currently a problem is sleep. I'm on a thyroid regimen which has helped me a lot with the brain fog and lack of energy in the afternoons but I'm having more trouble sleeping. I guess it's always something, right? This week I was sick with a cold and one day I slept for three hours in the afternoon and then eight hours at night, it was like a miracle. Maybe I should just try to get sick more often. (That's a joke, not an actual request, in case the Universe is listening...)

 

Anyway I'm mostly kind of same as ever, just walking along. Not terribly happy with my life but not miserable by any means. There are always good days and hikes to look forward to.

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bubble

It's very nice to hear from you. I am very happy the surgery and ATBs didn't cause any major upheavals. I hope your sleep improves soon too. 

 

I very much like that looking forward to new hikes, me too :) Especially now as the spring is finally coming...

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Addax

Very glad for the update, Rhi. Sounds like things are generally going well and happy to hear you have hikes coming up!

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LexAnger

you always has such a clear mind and wisdom, even under the damn influence of these evil drugs!

Happy for you being able to live without miserable WD symptoms.

 

We all look up to your great examples!

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Rhiannon

Thank you Lex!

 

There's a thing I think about sometimes and I don't know where to write about it really, so I just thought I would put it here. That is: the sad news is that we are the leading edge of what I think is going to be a very big wave, given the numbers of people that are being given psychiatric meds these days.

 

The good news is that we are here. 

 

I have always been an activist for social change, and my most satisfying experiences have always come in working at the beginnings of a movement, because that's where you have the most leverage. When you help to shape and create a movement at the beginning, every person you influence is going to influence a lot more people who are going to influence a lot more people, etc.

 

It's sad, because this particular movement is so tragic. We're not fighting some long and ancient historical injustice, we're helping victims of sociopathic corporations run by greedy psychopaths who are ruining lives left and right so they can have more toys. The whole story is sordid and villainous beyond words.

 

But it's happening, and I think it's going to be continuing to happen, and I think this forum has already had more influence than we realize, because doctors read it, because of the quality that Alto has created and the rest of us maintain here. Right here there are more case studies and more information and experience about what really works for helping people get off these meds and stay off them, safely, than anything anywhere else in the scientific literature. I doubt we'll ever get the credit, but in decades to come when doctors are struggling with this, the knowledge gathered in this forum is going to influence how they practice, and for the better, I think.

 

So, that's a thing I think about sometimes, and is a lot of why I am here.

 

Does that make sense? I know it's sort of rambly, it's late, I should really be in bed, but it's Saturday night so even though I'm working I'm staying up late.

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LexAnger

Hi Rhi, I totally got what you mean!

 

After years struggling and learning, I know now what kind of tragedy I'm in and what my rest 'life' gonna to be. Even I try the best to think of the meaningfulness of it behind what I cant reason, It put me into immediate depression (the normal depression from this fact not drug created) every time I think of my supposedly briliant life destroyed, my incredible suffering and the duration of the suffering. I always think and believe I am very strong and can overcome any blows from life until this one as it took ME away from inside along with all the other incredible difficulties. The part saddens me the most Is the humanity that is taken away by the drug, loss of all the very basic enjoyment a human being is give to life.

 

Thank you for bring this up! I am in complete agreement with you in that this whole thing will be one of the biggest event ( tragedy) in human history. I keep telling ppl around about my belief. As for the information everyone shared here, not only it helps each of us on the road, there are pioneer projects (by SASinc) working on tools for analyses of the web posted data especially for psyc med related. The major difficulty lies in the fact that web posted data is typically not structured for easy capture by computer programming for statistical analyses which is usually required for solid authority acknowledge. So far, the signature page is most valuable for future analyses. If we would like to consider for the future use, it may be a good idea to establish a structure for the signature page (with form, questions etc.).

 

Hope you had a good nit sleep and enjoy the spring spirit in Bay area.

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Petunia

Your last post makes perfect sense Rhi, I'm here for the same reasons.  Thank you for being here. 

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dalsaan

Great post Rhi, that's how I feel as well.  I am trying to find as many ways I can of being an activist in this.   I don't just want to change things for SA members, although they are very important to me.   I want to change things for everyone, so we can stop this mass medical disaster.

 

D

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ten0275

 

I have always been an activist for social change, and my most satisfying experiences have always come in working at the beginnings of a movement, because that's where you have the most leverage. When you help to shape and create a movement at the beginning, every person you influence is going to influence a lot more people who are going to influence a lot more people, etc.

 

rhiannon, hello.

 

i always enjoy reading your thoughts, but your last post was extraordinary and i'm thankful you wrote it. i couldn't agree with you more than i do. this is most certainly a movement of social change in its relative infancy. the seeds of this movement are embedded in the suffering that each of us here have experienced, and are still experiencing. it is no different in structure than say, the civil rights movement or women's suffrage. when people decided that it was no longer acceptable to be forced to quench thirst from alternate drinking fountains, find transport at the back of the bus, or accept political decisions made solely by old white males, push for change was engaged. likewise, here we find humans that no longer find it acceptable to ingest the mind-altering chemicals of the pharmaceutical industrial complex, the ineptitude of the doctors who are free-lunched into prescribing the chemicals, and the veritable tsunami of life-dismantling symptoms that engulf relief-seeking patients in the aftermath.

 

there is one quality that makes this movement towards social change different for me personally. i've supported causes in the past, and went to the megaphone for them - but i have never been so personally affected by the cause, its roots, and its prospective outcomes. i think that most people who begin to get their feet back under them post-withdrawal, or even mid-withdrawal, can't help but be filled with the sense that "this should never, ever have happened to me, and this should never happen to another." i know that in acute withdrawal, i said over and over again that if i had a worst enemy, i would not even wish the torture of withdrawal upon them.

 

your post is inspirational in that it frames what is happening exquisitely. so often, i think we feel like these tiny little voices calling out from our respective boxes - expressing our suffering, offering our love and support, sharing our victories and our struggles - but collectively, it is more than that. we are creating documentation that will become living, breathing, primary source material for future reference. not only by those who might otherwise have sought the script to ease their own human woes, but for the doctors who care enough to check into the repercussions of what they are handing out. so that one day, they will actually take note of the fallout from pharmacological negligence BEFORE they write w/ unlimited refills.

 

i honor the presence of every one on this site. we wash ashore here gasping for breath and find people who suffer, and have suffered, the way we do. our stories of how we arrived here, symptoms we experience, and how we are climbing out of it may differ - but we are truly brothers and sisters in arms. perhaps some day a site like this will no longer be necessary - when the winds of change shift standard practice away from these drugs as a default - perhaps partially due to the chorus we join in here.

 

thank you again for your insight. you've inspired me today. greatly.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

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mattinsmom

Shall I start with "i've missed you"? I have. Sorry that I disappeared, life blew-up and by the time I reach my computer I am fried. I am very happy to see that things continue in the healing direction for you! 

 

So. like every other night - I'm gonna run. Just know that I think about you a lot. 

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rapunzel2

makes perfect sense, Rhi.

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Rhiannon

Well, here I am back again in yuck withdrawal mode. It's been a while. I've had so much going on that I've had to taper super slowly, if at all, so it's been a while since I've experienced these kinds of feelings. In the past month and a half I've pushed it a little harder and come down 5% on Xanax and 5% on Valium and 3% on the Celexa, and I'm feeling it.

 

It's not terrible, it's tolerable, but it's weird to experience again. I'm extra sensitive to sounds, light, sensory stimulation in general. I tend to feel anxious about things that aren't really rationally all that problematic, and when something IS problematic I go into full alert mode. My ground state is sort of general crankiness and pessimism. And my tummy is super extra sensitive to what I eat.

 

Plus I'm having lots of memories of bad times, plus remembering (and having trouble forgiving myself for) how dysfunctional I was and what a terrible mother I was during the years on the drugs, especially the worst years of that time, when I was also going through menopause and using hormones. It's like, now that I'm myself again, it's so hard to accept that I acted in ways that are so contrary to my feelings and values. My daughters are SO important to me. That these drugs made me such a terrible mother to them, especially my youngest, is absolutely the hardest thing for me to deal with about those lost years. The fact that I lost my life savings and career and house and friends, that's not so great, but it's nothing like the grief I feel about not being there for my baby.

 

Oh well, it will get better. Not the history, that won't change, but I will be able to feel better in spite of it, once the withdrawal fades, I do know that from experience. Meanwhile though I'm sort of doing the turtle pulling into her shell thing.

 

Going to hold for a couple of weeks, make another small cut, and then hold again, until after a trip I have coming up in May.

 

It sure is frustrating to have to taper so slowly at these tiny doses. 

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mattinsmom

I'm sorry, It is so hard to go from making big strides to the putter. Kinda feels like being blind-sided. I hear you. 

 

You're right, it will get better but in the meantime it simply sucks. 

 

I know that you are beating yourself up over your kids. I can't make that any better - but neither does beating yourself up. Deep breaths. Know that you did the best you could at the time, even if it wasn't all that great. Do what you can  now. And know that there are lessons your kids needed to learn too even if none of you know what they are just yet. It all happened for a reason. 

 

Memories suck. I see, hear, and feel you with those. Fist bump for surviving my friend. 

 

Hang in there because I am hanging in there and I need you. Of course you can hang in there for your own personal success and growth but if you need a fall back plan, I'm here.

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mattinsmom

ps - you do know that I called you a moose in my thread because you said "if I had any dementia then you were a moose", right? 

 

Today any better for you?

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Rhiannon

I followed the moose reference, yes! :-) I don't mean to invalidate your concerns about cognitive issues that you may be having and your concerns about how those may progress. I'm not inside your head, I believe you that you are experiencing things not working the way they should, and I hear your fear and can relate and I am so, so sorry. I'm just saying: today, you aren't somebody with dementia. People with dementia are not capable of the kind of complex and nuanced communication and self-awareness that you demonstrate here. I'm not trying to minimize or sugar-coat what you're going through though.

 

Thank you for your support and for as always saying just what I needed to hear. I'm sorry you're back here since you're back here because things are sucky, but I'm always so grateful to hear from you.

 

Today was a good day. I've had the weekend off and spent time with good people and got in one shorter walk and today a really nice long hike. I still feel sort of on edge, but I seem to be coping with it okay.

 

I am SO enjoying my friends, having friends, being able to connect with people, enjoying social company, after so many years on ADs and benzos which just destroyed that. I've watched the unfolding of my social self over the last few years, particularly after I got down below about 2-3 mg on the Celexa. It's very difficult to put into words, but there's a definite difference in empathy and how well I can interpret other people's signals and how satisfying I find their company. People seem to like me now, too. It's amazing and wonderful getting that back. Even feeling crappy, it's so nice--people are pretty forgiving of my slightly more tense than usual mood, which I'm really grateful for. 

 

Since my work schedule (2:30 to 11 pm) makes it really hard to have a social life, I fill up my rare evenings off with people. So today was a people day, so it was a good day. I'm feeling...hmmm, well, not exactly happy, but...more buoyant.

 

Thanks for asking, Amy! I know this is a tough time for you. I wish I could be there and just hang out with you. Or better yet, beam you up here, where spring is well under way, an early warm spring, with temperatures in the 70s and sunny skies and everything blooming. I'd take you where I went today:

http://science.halleyhosting.com/nature/bloomtime/egorge/14/pics/Catherine%20Creek05-02-2014b.jpg

 

Things should be warming up soon up there in MA too, I expect. Hang in there.  

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mammaP

Glad you had a good day with nice people Rhi. It's a shame you got hit by a wave when you are so careful, waves suck! 

 

I get what you mean about feeling like you were a bad mother. I feel terrible for some of the things I did when my youngest was still at a tender age. The others were teenagers and one was married when my nightmare started. She said to me that she never thought of me as anything but ill, and loved me regardless. I didn't do anything bad to or toward her but was completely nuts for a while.  Now I am off the effexor I don't feel as bad because I can see what really happened, and that it wasn't all bad for her. I was in hell but tried my best to carry on with life. She doesn't remember it as being a bad time, just remembers that I couldn't do what other mums did with their kids. Today I can see that I wasn't as bad as I felt I had been and forgive myself for my shortcomings. It was not me during those times, it was the drugs and withdrawal, and all I have been able to remember are the really bad parts.  I hope you will find some good memories too, it feels good to remember those hidden gems.

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mattinsmom

Oh, Rhi - You are one of the very few people in my life who could say anything and I wouldn't take offense or feel like my experience was being minimized. Let-r-rip my friend. 

 

I am so glad that you have found people. I remember when you were not into people at all! I remember you feeling stuck in your house and uncomfortable with socializing. I am so, so happy to hear that your life is filling with, well, life. I do hear that things are not peachy keen and yet you get up every day and take another step. I also remember your first camping/hiking trip. How far you have come!

 

You already know that things will get better, just as I do. I'm choosing to wallow in self-pity a little longer, but we do both know that this passes. 

 

One question...I looked at that link you posted and I am confused by the green stuff on the bottom of the page. Is that what some people call grass? And the colors, are they known as flowers? :)

 

Winter isn't disappearing just yet. We had snow this morning but it didn't stick. Another round of gloom/wet expected for this weekend. I swear the first dry and sunny day I am going to run outside naked and squeal like a little girl.  

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ten0275

rhi, hello.

just stopping by to thank you very much for your thoughtful post on my thread. i responded to a few things there - you really got my gears turning in a productive way today. i totally appreciate the care you gave in thinking about my situation and writing.

i was really happy to read that you had a nice day sunday. i hope you are continuing to feel more solid. that link you included looked absolutely divine to the weather-weary east coast crew, i can tell you. what a place to take a hike!

that's a heck of a work schedule you have - an atypical shift. as you had asked on my thread about work flexibility, i work a flexible schedule, which essentially means that as long as i complete what i need to complete in a 40+ hour work week, i can work at any hour of any day - and technically, i can work from anywhere - though being in the office is often a necessity for technical reasons. can i take time off? - yes. but i find that with the flexible schedule - beyond meeting obligations, i can kind of dance around my symptoms as they present. i'm glad your relatively rare people-night gave you some buoyancy. i like that word - it, well, floats.

hang in there, and thanks again rhi.

dave

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mattinsmom

Well, a sunny day arrived and I was too sick to go squealing but I did soak it in. 70* and I was outside bundled - but outside. Do you get to go outside much during the daytime? Is that glorious sun landing upon your face and blessing you with vitamin D? Are you finding time for that? I sure hope so. Has buoyant turned into happy?

 

Are you ok?

 

I miss you my friend.  

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Addax

I've been following your thread and keep meaning to comment... Your message in my thread reminded me that I needed to get off my butt an do it!

 

I'm so glad you're enjoying your friends (when your schedule allows). In just the year since I've been a member it seems like I've watched you burst out of a bubble. Oddly, the image that comes to mind is of the cool-aid guy bursting through a wall.

 

You've had some very difficult things you've had to deal with outside of withdrawal, but it seems like you are emerging from everything with new vigor and more contentment, and you've done it while continuing to support so many others. Incredible!

 

I also want to thank you for your enthusiastic and empathic support since I've been here. It's been invaluable to me. The timing and sentiment in Your last message on my thread couldn't have been better... And saying that I was relatively young made me smile :-).

 

You rock, Rhi!

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mattinsmom

(((HUG)))

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stan

hello,

 

what  news ?

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starburst

Rhi I am only halfway through reading your thread but I wanted to send you a big hug because reading it has helped me so much. I am inspired by your testimony.

I-Was-Thinking-of-You-And-Send-You-A-Hug

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erer

Hi Rhiannon,

 

I was trying to send you a PM just now, but it seems your mailbox is full. Is there a way I could contact you?

 

All the best,

erer

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Djones1984

Hi Rhiannon,

 

How have you been I was also trying to get a hold of you for some advice. You were so kind to me a few years ago.

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Athena

Hey there Rhi,

 

just to say that I miss your kind words and I hope you are doing really well.

 

Take care

 

Athena

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Cabinhope

Rhi,

I just want to say you are an inspiration to me. I know, you're just a normal gal in Portland or Seattle or Bend or wherever.....climbing up and out like anyone. I just joined a couple of months ago, but because of your multiple drug situation I feel particularly interested in your story.

You can read my intro, but in brief I ended up on 7 drugs. I am currently on these 7 drugs....and facing the gigantic Mt Hood in front of me. And I'm just charting my hike, sizing up the base of the mountain, deciding on the clearest path.

Your theory, and subsequent action, to take them all down together, incrementally, makes huge sense to me.

I'd love to hear from you or have you follow me...to learn from.

I've already learned that steady-as-she-goes and slow is an absolute. This will be a years long process.

I admire your strength of conviction, your tenacity, your belief in this 'movement'.

I certainly hope I can be a guiding light for others way down the path that you clearly have been.

Thanks for sharing your authenticity!

Hope

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Athena

Hi Rhiannon,

 

I would love to hear how you are doing. I miss you. I hope things are ok.

 

Sending you love and hope

 

Athena

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ChessieCat

Rhi has written her success story which you can find here: 

 

 

 

 

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Rhiannon

Topic title:  Rhiannon Revisiting

 

Hi folks! My original Intro topic is closed (now moved to Rhiannon's success story) because my last post was in...2015, I think. (That was an intense summer. I quit my job, moved to another town to another job, hated that job, got my old job back, and moved back but to a different town with a longer commute to work but more friends nearby. Then that next spring I became a grandmother, and then moved about two more times, and then moved back to the original town I was in...Sigh...It's been a busy few years!)

 

Still crawl-tapering the whole time.

 

Anyway, I've been checking back in on the site here this past week because back at the beginning of this past June I jumped off my citalopram at 0.1 mg, and just now (at the usual almost-3-month point) I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms more intense than I've experienced in a long time. Nothing like the severity of how it was back in the old days, thank Goddess, but dangit, I have a busy life now and no room for WD! I took on a new position at work that is quite a bit more stressful (but also less boring and pays more). I'm a Nana to a little girl who lives about a 90-minute drive away and I make that round trip about every other weekend and often one time in between as well. I have friends and I try to keep up with them. I bought a double-wide that gives me lots of space but needs a lot of work. I'm doing an online course in orthopedic massage (I already had the massage experience and just got my license back up and going after many years of not doing it).

 

It's been a slog sometimes, I've had subtle withdrawal, especially the past year or so as I was coming down probably a too fast off that last half milligram of citalopram. Reviewing the latest by Horowitz I see that was probably 15% receptor occupancy, so really it was a lot faster than I was giving it credit for at that low dose. 

 

But I've been mostly able to sleep and function. So I am NOT HAPPY GRRRR about the re-emergence of WD symptoms. (And I know most of y'all who are coming to this site are in much worse shape than I am right now and you definitely have permission to play the world's tiniest violin for me!)

 

Anyway, so, like I said, I've been peeking back in here into the forum (the forum that saved my life by the way) trying to get some info about reinstatement. Which I think I have. Somebody called Lloyd made this awesome spreadsheet, so cool! 

 

I think given that I tapered down to 0.1 mg before jumping off and most of that taper was years-slow, I probably could ride out the WD. I'm just on edge, extra tense, not sleeping well, a little more prone to spiraling out of control with anxiety and worrying and stuff. And having the gut issues and not sleeping well. 

 

But in the past when I CT'd off meds way back when, it was SO disastrous, I'm afraid, what if it DOES get a lot worse? What if I can't work? What if I can't be a good Nana? What if I become suicidal again? That was my everyday state for decades, but now I hardly ever feel more than a twinge of it and it never lasts long. I don't want to go back there. 

 

And from Lloyd's chart it looks like people generally do pretty well with a small reinstatement after a few months, which is my situation. So I'm going to give it a try at 0.03 mgai.

 

Wish me luck. Save me a column on that chart. :)

 

--Rhiannon

 

Edited by ChessieCat
added topic title and (moved to success story)
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Adili13

I followed you even though I knew you weren’t active on the forum just in the hope that you would return! You’ve been such a  huge inspiration to me and so many others with your posts! I’ve used them countless times for guidance. 

 

I hope the small reinstatement of celexa works out well for you! Seems like a prudent move.

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Altostrata

Rhi's story continues.....so I re-opened this topic. Hi, Rhi!

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bubbles

Hello Rhi, sorry to hear you're having some symptoms again.
B

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nick1990

Welcome back Rhi , although you and us all would rather you didn’t need to return with any trouble. Well done on getting off Citalopram , I really hope that your tiny reinstatement helps ease the symptoms.

 

 

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Carmie

Hi Rhi, 

 

I’ve read some of your posts and you are so positive. I’m sorry you are having some problems again, but you’ve come so far. Thanks so much for coming back and encouraging others. 

 

Sending you lots of hugs🤗🤗

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