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I grieve


icequeen

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I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

I grieve too, with deep pain in my heart.

 

1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante
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@icequeen This is so powerful and healing and cathartic to be able to read your words and repeat them. To hold space for the vastness of this grief. To be able to feel the authenticity of this. 

This is the second I have read over your words and spoken them to myself. Like a mantra. And a remembrance for all those that have suffered these losses.

These are each human lives.

1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante
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I agree with Dante. I lost life’s breath in every possible sense. Struggling to breathe for years on end is just one of my post drug long list of problems. 

 

I’m glad my simple words gave you something.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Mentor

I think depression is able to thrive in our society because we have a hierarchy of grief. The loss of children and partners is up top, the loss of a child’s beloved stuffed bear at the bottom. 
 

But if that stuffed bear is all the child has to feel safe and it is taken away and she is reprimanded for her feelings, what seed does that plant? Could the loss of something as small as cotton filled cloth grow into something like depression later on? 
 

I think so. We lose so many things in our lives, and not just to death. Houses. Careers. Friends. Sports. Projects. Best friends. Without the space to grieve those losses they add up to helplessness, emptiness. 
 

So not only do I grieve the losses we’ve all experienced because of psychiatric drugs, but I grieve all the losses that so many years ago, unfurled the path before us.

Effexor XR 37.5mg and Wellbutrin XL 150mg from age 15-30 (2001-2016). Hell withdrawal. Drug free (and happy) since 2016.

 

I am the founder Happiness Is A Skill, a weekly newsletter dedicated to helping people heal from depression by learning the skill of happiness. Join hundreds of others and subscribe here: http://learnhappy.brookesiem.com/

 

I wrote this for the The Washington Post: I spent half my life on antidepressants. Today, I'm off the medication and I feel all right.

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  • 5 months later...
On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story

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3 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story


Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

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1 hour ago, icequeen said:


Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

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  • Moderator Emeritus
7 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

 

But the fact there there was a window is an excellent sign.

FINISH LINE here I come!!!

🏁

Current from 25 September 2021:  Pristiq 0.02mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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On 11/19/2020 at 3:01 PM, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal


Not a window but slightly less intense symptoms. I have had three almost symptom free windows lastning about ten minutes but they happened many years ago before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc. Well, still keeping up hope though despite all the setbacks and I hope you do too.

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  • Moderator Emeritus
2 hours ago, icequeen said:

before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc

 

I'm sorry that you have been having all these issues.

 

However, this is an excellent example of how everyone's situation is different and that we can't compare ourselves with others.  If icequeen hadn't told us about the above then it would have been assumed that she wasn't recovering from psychiatric drugs.

FINISH LINE here I come!!!

🏁

Current from 25 September 2021:  Pristiq 0.02mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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@ChessieCat thanks for reaffirming what i keep forgetting is that withdrawal is entirely different for each individual, though there might be overlapping similarities, as a whole we are all experiencing very different things, i appreciate you saying that because then i feel less alone, i feel in a sense “alone together”

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I've been a mod for nearly 5 years now so I've seen a lot of members looking for someone the same.

 

One of the new members posted this the other day and it sums it up nicely:

 

On 11/18/2020 at 5:34 PM, jamest said:

 

You have to figure most people on here posting are looking for a clone they want to magically run into someone who is like them and will ease their mind  i am no different. obviously that cant happen but we can dream 

 

 

FINISH LINE here I come!!!

🏁

Current from 25 September 2021:  Pristiq 0.02mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Withdrawal is a tough place to be.  But these thought patterns aren't a healthy place to be in the long-term. 

 

Improvement can and does happen.  If you allow the negative thought patterns to reinforce over time, they become stronger and more natural.  Healing moves further off - in a physical sense. 

 

After watching this, your brain will not be the same | Lara Boyd | TEDxVancouver

 

I'd suggest taking immediate action to move into a more positive mindspace and keep your thoughts in the here and now.  Light daily exercise and 10 minutes of daily meditation have helped me a lot.  So has soft music in the background, tracking sleep phases with a wearable, and timing tasks for no more than 25 minutes at a time using the "Pomodoro Technique" to stay focused.  Don't underestimate the power of habit.

Previously - Escitalopram ("Lexapro"): 03 - 05/2018 - 10mg // 05/2018 - 12/2019 - monthly hyperbolic dose reduction to 0.

 

I am not a medical doctor.  Always consult a qualified medical professional before taking any substance.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator
On 5/27/2020 at 10:00 PM, Brooke said:

I think depression is able to thrive in our society because we have a hierarchy of grief. The loss of children and partners is up top, the loss of a child’s beloved stuffed bear at the bottom. 
 

But if that stuffed bear is all the child has to feel safe and it is taken away and she is reprimanded for her feelings, what seed does that plant? Could the loss of something as small as cotton filled cloth grow into something like depression later on? 
 

I think so. We lose so many things in our lives, and not just to death. Houses. Careers. Friends. Sports. Projects. Best friends. Without the space to grieve those losses they add up to helplessness, emptiness. 
 

So not only do I grieve the losses we’ve all experienced because of psychiatric drugs, but I grieve all the losses that so many years ago, unfurled the path before us.

I deeply resonate and agree with the above.  I live in the USA.  I believe our culture is very toxic.  We are allowed to grieve when a loved one dies, but if we grieve for other reasons, we are looked down on, and seen as weak, or somehow inferior.  This is very unhealthy.  In my own personal experience, people around me always pretend to be happy and upbeat.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that you should always be happy, which is just unrealistic, and unhealthy.  I'm currently reading a book called "The Wild Edge of Sorrow".  It is very powerful.  It is through grieving that we grow, mentally and spiritually.  I truly believe that my depression was just grief and unresolved childhood issues turned inward.  Now that I'm almost off of the psych meds, my life goal is to learn to incorporate all of my emotions, both painful and pleasant, into my consciousness, and not push them down or deny them any longer.  No more trying to run away from sadness, pain, anguish, anger, etc.  I'm going to learn to face it head on, accept it, and if other people don't approve, too bad.  I've had some very significant losses that I haven't fully grieved and faced yet.  When I am in touch with my painful emotions, it also gives space for positive emotions of joy, love, excitement, etc. to manifest. I believe this is the way to be mentally and spiritually healthy.  

Edited by getofflex

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 '02 - 10 mg;  Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07 

Benadryl 50 mg, Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 2.5 mg

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  • Moderator
On 11/24/2020 at 9:57 AM, ccfb said:

 

Withdrawal is a tough place to be.  But these thought patterns aren't a healthy place to be in the long-term. 

 

Improvement can and does happen.  If you allow the negative thought patterns to reinforce over time, they become stronger and more natural.  Healing moves further off - in a physical sense. 

 

After watching this, your brain will not be the same | Lara Boyd | TEDxVancouver

 

I'd suggest taking immediate action to move into a more positive mindspace and keep your thoughts in the here and now.  Light daily exercise and 10 minutes of daily meditation have helped me a lot.  So has soft music in the background, tracking sleep phases with a wearable, and timing tasks for no more than 25 minutes at a time using the "Pomodoro Technique" to stay focused.  Don't underestimate the power of habit.

@ccfb I have to respectfully disagree with you here.  I don't agree with labeling painful emotional states as "negative".  I believe it is unrealistic to expect oneself and other people to always be "positive".  There is a tyranny of positivity in today's culture, and I believe that encourages us to push down and ignore our less pleasant emotions, which then results in depression and anxiety, which then results in being put on these toxic psych meds.  

Edited by getofflex

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 '02 - 10 mg;  Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07 

Benadryl 50 mg, Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 2.5 mg

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  • 1 month later...

I'm in a place where I can feel love in my heart again, for now.  I want to use this chance to put my love out there, to send it to everyone on here that is suffering or who has suffered, and to those that aren't on here that are suffering.  I care so much for each of you, I can't even adequately express it.

2012-2017- Lexapro 10mg, 2017-2020 - Lexapro 5mg
11/1/20 - Stopped Lexapro 5mg abruptly

1/13/21 - present - Lexapro 7.5mg (Reinstated at 2.5, to 5, to 10, to 7.5)

2/7/21 - present - Hydroxyzine 2 mg (from 50mg, to 25mg, to 10mg to 5mg to 2.5mg to 2mg)

No longer take:

1/16/21 - 2/4/21 - Ativan .5:  Took 13.5 pills over the course of 22 days and stopped

2/5/21 - Mirtazipine 7.5 (only took once)

2/24/21 - 3/8/31 - Propranolol 5mg

Supplements:  Daytime - 2000mg fish oil and 2 tablespoons flax oil

Nighttime - L-theanine 200mg, 1mg melatonin, magnesium glycinate 400mg.  Sometimes an additional 200mg L-theanine for early morning wake ups.

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  • Moderator
getofflex

@crochet That is wonderful.  Isn't it great to be in touch with emotions again?  Jennifer 

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 '02 - 10 mg;  Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07 

Benadryl 50 mg, Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 2.5 mg

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Mentor
On 12/31/2020 at 6:09 AM, getofflex said:

I deeply resonate and agree with the above.  I live in the USA.  I believe our culture is very toxic.  We are allowed to grieve when a loved one dies, but if we grieve for other reasons, we are looked down on, and seen as weak, or somehow inferior.  This is very unhealthy.  In my own personal experience, people around me always pretend to be happy and upbeat.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that you should always be happy, which is just unrealistic, and unhealthy.  I'm currently reading a book called "The Wild Edge of Sorrow".  It is very powerful.  It is through grieving that we grow, mentally and spiritually.  I truly believe that my depression was just grief and unresolved childhood issues turned inward.  Now that I'm almost off of the psych meds, my life goal is to learn to incorporate all of my emotions, both painful and pleasant, into my consciousness, and not push them down or deny them any longer.  No more trying to run away from sadness, pain, anguish, anger, etc.  I'm going to learn to face it head on, accept it, and if other people don't approve, too bad.  I've had some very significant losses that I haven't fully grieved and faced yet.  When I am in touch with my painful emotions, it also gives space for positive emotions of joy, love, excitement, etc. to manifest. I believe this is the way to be mentally and spiritually healthy.  Jennifer 

 Wonderful, Jennifer. This is such an integrated attitude and in my opinion, it's really the only way to move forward. 

 

"Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach is great resource on this subject. 

Effexor XR 37.5mg and Wellbutrin XL 150mg from age 15-30 (2001-2016). Hell withdrawal. Drug free (and happy) since 2016.

 

I am the founder Happiness Is A Skill, a weekly newsletter dedicated to helping people heal from depression by learning the skill of happiness. Join hundreds of others and subscribe here: http://learnhappy.brookesiem.com/

 

I wrote this for the The Washington Post: I spent half my life on antidepressants. Today, I'm off the medication and I feel all right.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Mentor
ShiningLight

Bright Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich is another great book on the subject of validating a time for sorrow and explaining the culture of toxic positivity.

Now: 143 mg Zoloft am, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 193 mg 🐢🐢

Zoloft: 8/28/21 Cut 4 mg 8/8/21 Cut 3 mg  7/30/21 Zoloft: Converted 25 mg to liquid. Also take 100 mg pill & 25 mg pill=150 mg total
🌞 Feb 28, 2021 0 mg Gapapentin 2021 Gaba each dose 4x/day: Feb 27 7 mg (one dose only), Feb 10, 7 mg, Jan 14 10 mg 2020 Current taper schedule from Aug 30-present: drop 8 mg every 2-3 weeks. Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg. 2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 2019 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey. On Zoloft since maybe 2004? After trying many.

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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