I grieve

[icequeen]

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

[India]

I grieve too, with deep pain in my heart.

 

[India]

@icequeen This is so powerful and healing and cathartic to be able to read your words and repeat them. To hold space for the vastness of this grief. To be able to feel the authenticity of this. 

This is the second I have read over your words and spoken them to myself. Like a mantra. And a remembrance for all those that have suffered these losses.

These are each human lives.

[icequeen]

I agree with Dante. I lost life’s breath in every possible sense. Struggling to breathe for years on end is just one of my post drug long list of problems. 

 

I’m glad my simple words gave you something.

[Brooke]

I think depression is able to thrive in our society because we have a hierarchy of grief. The loss of children and partners is up top, the loss of a child’s beloved stuffed bear at the bottom. 
 

But if that stuffed bear is all the child has to feel safe and it is taken away and she is reprimanded for her feelings, what seed does that plant? Could the loss of something as small as cotton filled cloth grow into something like depression later on? 
 

I think so. We lose so many things in our lives, and not just to death. Houses. Careers. Friends. Sports. Projects. Best friends. Without the space to grieve those losses they add up to helplessness, emptiness. 
 

So not only do I grieve the losses we’ve all experienced because of psychiatric drugs, but I grieve all the losses that so many years ago, unfurled the path before us.

[Guest]

On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story

[icequeen]

3 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story

Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

[Guest]

1 hour ago, icequeen said:

Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

[ChessieCat]

7 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

 

But the fact there there was a window is an excellent sign.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

But the fact there there was a window is an excellent sign.

True i didnt mean to neglect that

[icequeen]

On 11/19/2020 at 3:01 PM, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

Not a window but slightly less intense symptoms. I have had three almost symptom free windows lastning about ten minutes but they happened many years ago before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc. Well, still keeping up hope though despite all the setbacks and I hope you do too.

[ChessieCat]

2 hours ago, icequeen said:

before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc

 

I'm sorry that you have been having all these issues.

 

However, this is an excellent example of how everyone's situation is different and that we can't compare ourselves with others.  If icequeen hadn't told us about the above then it would have been assumed that she wasn't recovering from psychiatric drugs.

[Guest]

@ChessieCat thanks for reaffirming what i keep forgetting is that withdrawal is entirely different for each individual, though there might be overlapping similarities, as a whole we are all experiencing very different things, i appreciate you saying that because then i feel less alone, i feel in a sense “alone together”

[ChessieCat]

I've been a mod for nearly 5 years now so I've seen a lot of members looking for someone the same.

 

One of the new members posted this the other day and it sums it up nicely:

 

On 11/18/2020 at 5:34 PM, jamest said:

 

You have to figure most people on here posting are looking for a clone they want to magically run into someone who is like them and will ease their mind  i am no different. obviously that cant happen but we can dream 

 

 

[ccfb]

On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Withdrawal is a tough place to be.  But these thought patterns aren't a healthy place to be in the long-term. 

 

Improvement can and does happen.  If you allow the negative thought patterns to reinforce over time, they become stronger and more natural.  Healing moves further off - in a physical sense. 

 

After watching this, your brain will not be the same | Lara Boyd | TEDxVancouver

 

I'd suggest taking immediate action to move into a more positive mindspace and keep your thoughts in the here and now.  Light daily exercise and 10 minutes of daily meditation have helped me a lot.  So has soft music in the background, tracking sleep phases with a wearable, and timing tasks for no more than 25 minutes at a time using the "Pomodoro Technique" to stay focused.  Don't underestimate the power of habit.

[getofflex]

On 5/27/2020 at 10:00 PM, Brooke said:

I think depression is able to thrive in our society because we have a hierarchy of grief. The loss of children and partners is up top, the loss of a child’s beloved stuffed bear at the bottom. 
 

But if that stuffed bear is all the child has to feel safe and it is taken away and she is reprimanded for her feelings, what seed does that plant? Could the loss of something as small as cotton filled cloth grow into something like depression later on? 
 

I think so. We lose so many things in our lives, and not just to death. Houses. Careers. Friends. Sports. Projects. Best friends. Without the space to grieve those losses they add up to helplessness, emptiness. 
 

So not only do I grieve the losses we’ve all experienced because of psychiatric drugs, but I grieve all the losses that so many years ago, unfurled the path before us.

I deeply resonate and agree with the above.  I live in the USA.  I believe our culture is very toxic.  We are allowed to grieve when a loved one dies, but if we grieve for other reasons, we are looked down on, and seen as weak, or somehow inferior.  This is very unhealthy.  In my own personal experience, people around me always pretend to be happy and upbeat.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that you should always be happy, which is just unrealistic, and unhealthy.  I'm currently reading a book called "The Wild Edge of Sorrow".  It is very powerful.  It is through grieving that we grow, mentally and spiritually.  I truly believe that my depression was just grief and unresolved childhood issues turned inward.  Now that I'm almost off of the psych meds, my life goal is to learn to incorporate all of my emotions, both painful and pleasant, into my consciousness, and not push them down or deny them any longer.  No more trying to run away from sadness, pain, anguish, anger, etc.  I'm going to learn to face it head on, accept it, and if other people don't approve, too bad.  I've had some very significant losses that I haven't fully grieved and faced yet.  When I am in touch with my painful emotions, it also gives space for positive emotions of joy, love, excitement, etc. to manifest. I believe this is the way to be mentally and spiritually healthy.  

Edited July 25, 2021 by getofflex

[getofflex]

On 11/24/2020 at 9:57 AM, ccfb said:

 

Withdrawal is a tough place to be.  But these thought patterns aren't a healthy place to be in the long-term. 

 

Improvement can and does happen.  If you allow the negative thought patterns to reinforce over time, they become stronger and more natural.  Healing moves further off - in a physical sense. 

 

After watching this, your brain will not be the same | Lara Boyd | TEDxVancouver

 

I'd suggest taking immediate action to move into a more positive mindspace and keep your thoughts in the here and now.  Light daily exercise and 10 minutes of daily meditation have helped me a lot.  So has soft music in the background, tracking sleep phases with a wearable, and timing tasks for no more than 25 minutes at a time using the "Pomodoro Technique" to stay focused.  Don't underestimate the power of habit.

@ccfb I have to respectfully disagree with you here.  I don't agree with labeling painful emotional states as "negative".  I believe it is unrealistic to expect oneself and other people to always be "positive".  There is a tyranny of positivity in today's culture, and I believe that encourages us to push down and ignore our less pleasant emotions, which then results in depression and anxiety, which then results in being put on these toxic psych meds.  

Edited July 25, 2021 by getofflex

[Crochet]

I'm in a place where I can feel love in my heart again, for now.  I want to use this chance to put my love out there, to send it to everyone on here that is suffering or who has suffered, and to those that aren't on here that are suffering.  I care so much for each of you, I can't even adequately express it.

[getofflex]

@crochet That is wonderful.  Isn't it great to be in touch with emotions again?  Jennifer 

[Brooke]

On 12/31/2020 at 6:09 AM, getofflex said:

I deeply resonate and agree with the above.  I live in the USA.  I believe our culture is very toxic.  We are allowed to grieve when a loved one dies, but if we grieve for other reasons, we are looked down on, and seen as weak, or somehow inferior.  This is very unhealthy.  In my own personal experience, people around me always pretend to be happy and upbeat.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that you should always be happy, which is just unrealistic, and unhealthy.  I'm currently reading a book called "The Wild Edge of Sorrow".  It is very powerful.  It is through grieving that we grow, mentally and spiritually.  I truly believe that my depression was just grief and unresolved childhood issues turned inward.  Now that I'm almost off of the psych meds, my life goal is to learn to incorporate all of my emotions, both painful and pleasant, into my consciousness, and not push them down or deny them any longer.  No more trying to run away from sadness, pain, anguish, anger, etc.  I'm going to learn to face it head on, accept it, and if other people don't approve, too bad.  I've had some very significant losses that I haven't fully grieved and faced yet.  When I am in touch with my painful emotions, it also gives space for positive emotions of joy, love, excitement, etc. to manifest. I believe this is the way to be mentally and spiritually healthy.  Jennifer 

 Wonderful, Jennifer. This is such an integrated attitude and in my opinion, it's really the only way to move forward. 

 

"Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach is great resource on this subject. 

[ShiningLight]

Bright Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich is another great book on the subject of validating a time for sorrow and explaining the culture of toxic positivity.