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Never knew what "life" is, what will become of me once I'm healed?


Outsider

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I keep asking myself

Is it fine that I'm sitting here doing nothing at age 25?

Lying in bed all day waiting for days to end?

Or will it come back to crush me once I'm out?

 

I've never lived, really,

From study abuse 24/7 to full time illness, no social interactions, no activities, no friends, no life, I don't know what it means to be happy or do what you want, withdrawal hasn't taken much from me emotionally, it only replaced the study abuse I had and the isolation that was forced because of it. 

 

So, I don't understand, I don't feel anything right now, everyone talks about "live every day to its fullest", "enjoy your life", "make the best out of the present" but withdrawal means the exact opposite, because to even try and explore those, I'll have to put in an effort that will deteriorate my recovery.. 

 

I don't understand, what am supposed to do? What am I missing? And how will I make up for the missing life experiences since the day I was born? Because even now, I'm living in a completely different world from others, when they talk about going out, having fun, hobbies.. Life.. Anything.. I just don't understand it. 

 

What am I supposed to do with that? 

- 2014 - 2018 >> 3 years of chaotic 4 pack prescriptions by 10 different doctors

- 2018 >> cold turkey withdrawal (because they refused to tell me how to go off the meds and I screwed up)

- 2018 - 2020 >> withdrawal effects for 3-ish years, slight recovery after the long fight

- 09/2020? or so >> was put back on Seroxat, lowest dosage but don't remember how much [will update when possible]

- 11?2020 >> Seroxat replaced with Amitriplatine and getting stuck with 10 MG dosage, getting seizures if I go off

- 01/2021 >> Amytriptaline reduced to 5 MG

- 23/01/2021 >> Amytriptaline quit CT, severe withdrawal for a week but went down after

- 23/02/2021 Diagnosed with Occipital Nerve infection because of the withdrawals mess

- 02/2021 - Diazepam 5mg per day

- 06/2021 - 100mg Pregabalin

- 07/2021 - 25mg Topiramate

August:

80mg Pregabalin, Split into 4 doses per day 

Diazepam every 12 hours (1mg at 6 AM and 2mg at 6 PM)

50mg topiramate

September/October 2021 attempt to stabilize:

10 MG Diazepam 

50 MG Pregabalin 

75 MG Topiramate 

Oct 15th 2021: 

Pregabalin (calculated this time,it's the dose I thought it was 80): 26.6 MG split into 4 doses at 6:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 6:00 PM and 12:00 AM

- Diazepam : 10 MG at 6:00 PM

- Topiramate : 100 MG at 6:00 AM (5th day, was 75) 

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  • 1 month later...

I understand.❤️

Social Anxiety diagnosis at root.

 

Born. 1983.

 

2001 - 2003  olanzapine and risperidone. 

 

2003 - 2007 Seroxat and prophanol. Cold turkey. Went on venlafaxine straight after.

 

2008- 2014. Venlafaxine. 6 month taper, crushing tablets powder form.

 

end 2014 - present. No meds.

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  • 4 weeks later...

@Outsider

 

I know this is very annoying to get as an answer but i Think instead of asking yourself what you are supposed to do, ask yourself what you WANT to do. 
what is it that YOU want, what is possible for YOU. 
i struggle a lot with this myself, even do my life from the outside might look like i am living it the way I ”should”. I always have a feeling of ”I should do more, Im not really living”

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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On 10/16/2021 at 10:40 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

@Outsider

 

I know this is very annoying to get as an answer but i Think instead of asking yourself what you are supposed to do, ask yourself what you WANT to do. 
what is it that YOU want, what is possible for YOU. 
i struggle a lot with this myself, even do my life from the outside might look like i am living it the way I ”should”. I always have a feeling of ”I should do more, Im not really living”

It's not really annoying, I just.. Don't know what I want on a personal level.. 

- 2014 - 2018 >> 3 years of chaotic 4 pack prescriptions by 10 different doctors

- 2018 >> cold turkey withdrawal (because they refused to tell me how to go off the meds and I screwed up)

- 2018 - 2020 >> withdrawal effects for 3-ish years, slight recovery after the long fight

- 09/2020? or so >> was put back on Seroxat, lowest dosage but don't remember how much [will update when possible]

- 11?2020 >> Seroxat replaced with Amitriplatine and getting stuck with 10 MG dosage, getting seizures if I go off

- 01/2021 >> Amytriptaline reduced to 5 MG

- 23/01/2021 >> Amytriptaline quit CT, severe withdrawal for a week but went down after

- 23/02/2021 Diagnosed with Occipital Nerve infection because of the withdrawals mess

- 02/2021 - Diazepam 5mg per day

- 06/2021 - 100mg Pregabalin

- 07/2021 - 25mg Topiramate

August:

80mg Pregabalin, Split into 4 doses per day 

Diazepam every 12 hours (1mg at 6 AM and 2mg at 6 PM)

50mg topiramate

September/October 2021 attempt to stabilize:

10 MG Diazepam 

50 MG Pregabalin 

75 MG Topiramate 

Oct 15th 2021: 

Pregabalin (calculated this time,it's the dose I thought it was 80): 26.6 MG split into 4 doses at 6:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 6:00 PM and 12:00 AM

- Diazepam : 10 MG at 6:00 PM

- Topiramate : 100 MG at 6:00 AM (5th day, was 75) 

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  • Moderator

You're a good writer, @Outsider--

Would the Arts be of interest to you at some point?

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 

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2 hours ago, arbor said:

You're a good writer, @Outsider--

Would the Arts be of interest to you at some point?

I already spent 10 years of my life on game development and 3D,lost that because of light sensitivity. 

 

Trying to switch to drawing but I don't enjoy it.  ADHD, I'm just doing it for the community because I feel rejected everywhere. 

- 2014 - 2018 >> 3 years of chaotic 4 pack prescriptions by 10 different doctors

- 2018 >> cold turkey withdrawal (because they refused to tell me how to go off the meds and I screwed up)

- 2018 - 2020 >> withdrawal effects for 3-ish years, slight recovery after the long fight

- 09/2020? or so >> was put back on Seroxat, lowest dosage but don't remember how much [will update when possible]

- 11?2020 >> Seroxat replaced with Amitriplatine and getting stuck with 10 MG dosage, getting seizures if I go off

- 01/2021 >> Amytriptaline reduced to 5 MG

- 23/01/2021 >> Amytriptaline quit CT, severe withdrawal for a week but went down after

- 23/02/2021 Diagnosed with Occipital Nerve infection because of the withdrawals mess

- 02/2021 - Diazepam 5mg per day

- 06/2021 - 100mg Pregabalin

- 07/2021 - 25mg Topiramate

August:

80mg Pregabalin, Split into 4 doses per day 

Diazepam every 12 hours (1mg at 6 AM and 2mg at 6 PM)

50mg topiramate

September/October 2021 attempt to stabilize:

10 MG Diazepam 

50 MG Pregabalin 

75 MG Topiramate 

Oct 15th 2021: 

Pregabalin (calculated this time,it's the dose I thought it was 80): 26.6 MG split into 4 doses at 6:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 6:00 PM and 12:00 AM

- Diazepam : 10 MG at 6:00 PM

- Topiramate : 100 MG at 6:00 AM (5th day, was 75) 

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