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Never knew what "life" is, what will become of me once I'm healed?


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I keep asking myself

Is it fine that I'm sitting here doing nothing at age 25?

Lying in bed all day waiting for days to end?

Or will it come back to crush me once I'm out?

 

I've never lived, really,

From study abuse 24/7 to full time illness, no social interactions, no activities, no friends, no life, I don't know what it means to be happy or do what you want, withdrawal hasn't taken much from me emotionally, it only replaced the study abuse I had and the isolation that was forced because of it. 

 

So, I don't understand, I don't feel anything right now, everyone talks about "live every day to its fullest", "enjoy your life", "make the best out of the present" but withdrawal means the exact opposite, because to even try and explore those, I'll have to put in an effort that will deteriorate my recovery.. 

 

I don't understand, what am supposed to do? What am I missing? And how will I make up for the missing life experiences since the day I was born? Because even now, I'm living in a completely different world from others, when they talk about going out, having fun, hobbies.. Life.. Anything.. I just don't understand it. 

 

What am I supposed to do with that? 

- 2014 - 2018 >> 3 years of chaotic 4 pack prescriptions by 10 different doctors

- 2018 >> cold turkey withdrawal (because they refused to tell me how to go off the meds and I screwed up)

- 2018 - 2020 >> withdrawal effects for 3-ish years, slight recovery after the long fight

- 09/2020? or so >> was put back on Seroxat, lowest dosage but don't remember how much [will update when possible]

- 11?2020 >> Seroxat replaced with Amitriplatine and getting stuck with 10 MG dosage, getting seizures if I go off

- 01/2021 >> Amytriptaline reduced to 5 MG

- 23/01/2021 >> Amytriptaline quit CT, severe withdrawal for a week but went down after

- 23/02/2021 Diagnosed with Occipital Nerve infection because of the withdrawals mess

- 02/2021 - Diazepam 5mg per day

- 06/2021 - 100mg Pregabalin

- 07/2021 - 25mg Topiramate

Currently:

80mg Pregabalin, Split into 4 doses per day 

Diazepam every 12 hours (1mg at 6 AM and 2mg at 6 PM)

50mg topiramate

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  • 1 month later...

I understand.❤️

Social Anxiety diagnosis at root.

 

Born. 1983.

 

2001 - 2003  olanzapine and risperidone. 

 

2003 - 2007 Seroxat and prophanol. Cold turkey. Went on venlafaxine straight after.

 

2008- 2014. Venlafaxine. 6 month taper, crushing tablets powder form.

 

end 2014 - present. No meds.

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