haley: Not too sure what to believe...

[haley]

no i mean right now, i don't want too live anywhere in this condition.

My mom is all i really have. and trying too get through too her is the hardest thing, it always has been.

We never really got along. but i do know, paxil has messed me up. i do know that.

[meistersinger]

no i mean right now, i don't want too live anywhere in this condition.

My mom is all i really have. and trying too get through too her is the hardest thing, it always has been.

We never really got along. but i do know, paxil has messed me up. i do know that.

 

I can feel your pain. This past Sunday would have been my Dad's 77th birthday. Last Friday would have been Mom's 75th birthday. I turn 55 this Saturday, and my sister, had she lived, (she died almost 45 years ago) would be 48 on Friday. Even though Dad has been dead 26 years, and Mom has been dead less than a year, I still go "insane" at this time of year. This year has been no exception, except this time, it is to replace the starter in my car. Now that I'm currently living in a cheap motel room, away from the toxicity of the rest of the family, save my youngest brother and his wife, I'm still grieving all of this. Any wonder I'm on psychotic medicine? The other brothers would be telling me get over it. They aren't the ones living in pain, nor should they, and they don't, care. If I were to call them right now, with the exception of my youngest brother's wife, I'd probably be told to "suck it up and be a man. Stop being a p****."

 

While I am not you, Haley, you might fare far better than me. You might even be glad when your mother is finally gone. But, believe me, the hurt will still be there after your mother is long gone.

[Altostrata]

haley, call these people when you're feeling down:

 

1-800-246-7743

 

HOURS:

Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time

(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

 

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time

(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

 

They have chat, too, see http://www.volunteerlogin.org/chat/

[Brandy]

no i mean right now, i don't want too live anywhere in this condition.

My mom is all i really have. and trying too get through too her is the hardest thing, it always has been.

We never really got along. but i do know, paxil has messed me up. i do know that.

 

Haley, have you tried writing a letter to your mom? Something that tells her how much you love her and how important she is to you, and that you're aware of how the paxil has affected you and that you're getting help for it. And although only you can word what you write to your mom, maybe consider telling her that you want to make your relationship better because she matters so much to you, and that you want to know her feelings and also what you can do to help out around the house, maybe.

 

I know that in w/d it's hard to do what you normally can, but maybe the two of you could find ways that show her that you value her as a person and that you want to do what you can to help her out even if you can't do all things quite yet.

 

If you write a letter, I suggest you don't give it to her immediately. Set it aside for at least a day and then look at it fresh, and don't give it to her until you feel it conveys what you really want to say. And in a positive and loving manner, that shows her that you want to consider her needs as well as your own.

 

Maybe something like that could open the doors of communication. If it does, maybe you both could set some ground rules to avoid hurting each other's feelings (that works both ways!). Or maybe get joint counseling from a good counselor.

 

If you want to run any ideas for a letter to your mom by any of us first, you could do that by PM or post to the group. We don't know your mom so we don't know how she'll respond, but sometimes it helps to get an objective opinion on how to phrase things when it's an emotionally charged situation.

 

But in any case, set anything you write aside and look at it fresh another day before giving it to her. You'll probably want to make some changes in it when you re-read it and be glad you did!

 

Even when living on my own, I found that I had to "redefine" my relationship with my parents once I was an adult. It's tricky but can be wonderful when you both realize you're both adults but having to start operating without the baggage of being treated like or acting like a child, which has been the case for so long in a parent-child relationship.

 

The upside though, is that although you start to see the parent as an adult with flaws and weaknesses - and human needs and regrets! - you get to know them and eventually appreciate as well as forgive on a deeper level.

[tezza]

Hey Haley,

 

I'm very sorry for all you're suffering through. I wish there was more we all could do for you and I'm sure everyone here feels that way. Your agony comes through in your posts and it is very heartbreaking.

 

I can relate in a way. My kids (son and his GF) just moved out. They told me a few months ago that I've gotten hard to live with because of the med situation. They, like your mom, just don't understand. I told them I hope they never do understand because the only way they could understand is to go through it. this was the only child I had left at home so it hurts a lot.

 

As you can see in my sig, I still have a lot to come off of and I sometimes feel hopeless and desperate. I have the same thoughts and feelings you have, sometimes. I try to talk to someone, anyone, because it helps keep my mind occupied. I try not to always talk about the med troubles, only sometimes. I try to talk about other things to get my mind off the problems I'm having.

 

Of course, there are times when that's all I can manage to talk about and that can help too. We are all pulling for you. We all love you! You WILL get better.

 

Love and BIG HUGS,

 

Tezza

[haley]

When does it end? I have been feeling like this for four months, with little too no improvements.

I don't have anything left in me. This isn't fair. Too know there could be a possibility of not getting fixed is what scares me. i can't live my life like this. i have been on the meds for a month now. not really sure what too do. im not really stabilizing. like i don't know how i'm supposed too feel in order to be stable on it. i'm scared too taper now.

[Nikki]

Haley I was reading your previous posts....so sorry about your Mom and how you are feeling.

 

If the Paxil is not helping, do you think something else may help you to stabilize?

 

When I got off Paxil I went onto Lexapro. It did work for me. It took awhile but it helped. I have gone on Imipramine from Lexapro, and that helped me too.

 

I don't know if this is the route you can safely take. It was a decision I made with help.

 

Can you ask your Mom to read this website, so she can gain a better understanding of what WD is? Friends who you may be staying with might gain a better understanding if they could read posts here....

 

I hope some of the others posts for possible solutions.

 

Hugs

[Altostrata]

haley, how's your sleep?

 

Reinstating is not going to solve your life problems, it's just going to reduce withdrawal symptoms.

[haley]

I was only responding too one of your posts. I dont care about my mom and I. we have been too counseling before together. im here too find help.m. I wants something tht wont give negative side effects. acupuncture does it work. I dont want too waste money if it wont help. I have been trying.

[haley]

sorry if im not wording things politely. its really hard for me atm too even talk. i'm just ready too get my life back, and ive been trying for four months. I am 19, and my life is hell. that's not what other 19 year olds go through. i would be out doing things if it weren't for my disabilty. when does it get better? if ever? like i cannot live like this. i was supposed to go to school. and work, and i can't now. i need this too end. and yes i need it too end now.

[haley]

i'm having all the symptoms still.

[Altostrata]

What are your symptoms other than feeling really down, haley?

[haley]

anhedonia, head hurts, dry mouth, difficulty swallowing, brain fog, depression, loss of libido, memory loss, sleep problems, anxiety. trouble focusing, trouble with my bowels. confused. time warped. its all really hard, too go anywhere with my friends and family because of this, im trying so hard. I mean I sit around alot, but I do the dishes sometimes. I have forgot what it felt like too be normal.

[haley]

also showers dont feel good, and I my senses are baclwards.

[Altostrata]

How do showers not feel good?

 

Can you get omega-3 fish oil, haley? A lot of people say it helps with brain fog. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

Magnesium citrate might help those headaches, it's good for reducing anxiety, too. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

Melatonin can help sleep, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/189-melatonin-for-sleep/

 

I worry though that you may not be staying in a place that's quiet so you can sleep. Sleep is important to healing.

[haley]

I just dont enjoy it. im tired of pills. they dont work. magnesium didnt help.

[Brandy]

When you take showers, is it that it feels like the jets of water stings your skin a bit?

 

Or that water generally feels irritating to your skin?

 

I have had that when in withdrawal.

 

I found tub baths less uncomfortable. Don't use bubble-bath.

 

Just soap - or a handful or two of baking soda.

 

Baking soda baths can be cleansing and also soothing to the skin.

[Brandy]

... ive been trying for four months. when does it get better? if ever?

 

I'm afraid this can take more than four months.

 

There's no way to predict when it will get better.

 

But it will.

 

It takes a lot of patience, I know. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

But you will get back to enjoying life again.

[areyouthere]

Haley. I have been following your story. I have been thinking about you. And I believe that you are:

 

1) Very smart.

 

2) Very brave.

 

3) Really , really trying to get better.

 

4) Very, very strong.

 

You may not feel that way but it comes out very clearly in your writing on this forum.

 

All of those characteristics are going to help you get to who, where & what you want to be in life again. It will take more time. And that just plain sucks. But you are doing great. You have tried many of the things that have been suggested to you here. That is great! You are checking in with people who really do know what they are doing. That is great! You have access to doctors, acupuncture, talk therapists etc. That is great!

All of this will help you get better. I promise.

 

In the mean time, while you stay connected with the folks here can you find a way to give yourself ( and thus your brain which must be exhausted!!) and a break? SLEEP is the best!!!

 

But during your waking hours..... can you watch that same movie that has made you laugh your ass off before? And if there is another movie that makes you laugh.... watch it too!

 

How about music that is chill. Can you either remember some or find some that you enjoy & just lay flat, close your eyes & breath deeply and exhale long breaths?

 

Hang in there. You are getting good advice here.

 

M

[areyouthere]

I like to listen to these:

 

http://www.youtube.com/user/BlissInspiration?feature=watch

[haley]

yeah, I am trying too be strong. this is not they easiest thing in thend world.

[haley]

I just dont know if I could go like this for a certaind period off time. its wearing on me.

[Altostrata]

haley, take it hour by hour, day by day. We all need to be Buddhists to get through this.

[haley]

ive been on for a month now, I want too start tapering cause its not helping.

[Altostrata]

haley, can you get liquid Paxil?

[haley]

no, im afraid I would noo chance with liquid.

[Altostrata]

Can you figure out how to decrease your Paxil dosage by .5mg?

[haley]

I am wandering exactly how too do that. since im at a small dose.

[Altostrata]

Are you taking a quarter of a 10mg tablet?

[haley]

20 mg. tablets. a quarter.

[Altostrata]

haley, can you get a prescription for 10mg tablets? You could tell the doctor you want to taper.

 

Then you can take a quarter of a 10mg tablet, or 2.5mg, to step down from the 5mg you're taking now.

[haley]

I asked once before like four times and she insisted on 20 mg. im far from wanting too see a doctor because they wont budge

[haley]

ughhh, I havent had one ggood day at all. no signs off a positive change. I wants my life back. I wants too live normal. im so terrified because the things I used too love fill me with dread.

[Altostrata]

You can make Paxil tablets into a liquid for tapering. Read this http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2693-how-to-make-a-liquid-from-tablets-or-capsules/

 

You might want to go to the library to read the instructions and print out the first post so you can follow them.

[haley]

alto, how long was you on paxil?

[Altostrata]

3 years.