Scrountz: once again facing problems with AD meds

[Scrountz]

Morning Update:

 

Last night was pretty rough. The wave of depression that hit me was pretty strong and has mostly stuck around to this morning. I had issues sleeping and got a pretty light sleep last night. I took a .5 of melatonin to help me go down.

 

I've made it in to work today but I'm really struggling to be here. I feel pretty awful and overwhelmed. I'm supposed to have two clients this morning and I'm really anxious about how those sessions are going to go. I just don't feel like my best self. Feeling anxious, depressed, dysphoric and ruminating a lot. It's nice to connect with my coworkers, who are all sympathetic, but also overwhelming. I haven't been around this many people in weeks and there is just a lot of energy in this space.

 

I've reached out to everyone in my support circle just to vent and get encouragement. I'm getting a lot of love back but it's still hard. It's hard to see myself still feeling so weak and unwell. It's hard to feel like I can't do the things that I used to do quite easily. It's just really hard to feel so unstable still. Well I'm in a window, I keep having this hope that I'm just an acute case, that I'll be normal again in a couple more weeks. In this wave though, I worry a lot about being protracted. When is this going to end?? 

 

Just going to do my best today. I'm only working 3.5 hours this morning and then going home. Hopefully I can get comfortable this afternoon and ride things out. I know one way or another I'm going to have to get back to life and do my best. I'm about as well set up for this as I'm going to be. I know it will get easier over time.

 

I hope today gets better soon.

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

So I managed to get through the day yesterday. It was very difficult. I made it through my workday, and was fortunate that neither of my scheduled clients showed up, which reduced my stress levels. I was able to reconnect a little bit with coworkers and also to just spend time in my office grounding and taking care of myself.

 

I got pretty distressed when I got home. I went through some rough waves of dysphoria and depression. The evening got a little better when my fiancé got home. By 9pm I had a little window where I felt ever so slightly better; still unwell but my mood was just a little bit brighter.

 

I slept okay. My sleep is very light again. I don't think I'm getting a lot of deep sleep right now. I probably slept 6-7 hours though and compared to the experience of some other people, I'll take it.

 

I woke up with a bit of a morning cortisol spike, but I've made it back into work today. I only have the one client, and I was doing okay in terms of my mood state and such but in the last hour I've been hit with another wave of really awful feelings. It's strange how every wave is different. They all feel bad, but in subtlety unique ways. This feeling I have is just a black one. It's not quite depression, not quite anxiety, just an overall awful feeling. It's very hard to cope with. I'm worried how I'm going to handle my session with my client today, feeling the way I do. I just feel so unlike myself right now, so bleak and awful. I'm feeling hopeless and pessimistic and just generally miserable right now. I suppose this is a surrender moment. There is really nothing I can do but just do my best. I can't change how I'm feeling right now, so I've got to do my best to just acknowledge, accept and float.

 

God this is hard. I understand now the double challenge of going through withdrawal while working. I'm doing my best to ease my way back in slowly, but this is still really really hard. I pray this session goes well and that this wave, whatever it is, ends soon.

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

This week's wave finally broke on Thursday afternoon, but not before it got incredibly intense. I phoned a friend to get help coping and this seemed to make a big difference. I could slowly feel the depression and awful physical feelings leave me over the afternoon. Friday and today have not been symptom free days, but they've been much more manageable, and last night and this morning I had pretty good windows where I was feeling mostly okay.

 

I had some GI issues yesterday which is a new occurrence. Not sure if its just something I ate or a new symptom. My bowel patterns have changed in the last few days so I'm suspecting its symptoms. My sleep has been okay. Still light, with vivid dreams, but I haven't had waves of dysphoria while I'm sleeping in about a week now and that seems to have gotten a lot less intense.

 

Today is okay. I'm in a bit of a wave of dysphoria now. Its manageable. I'm very grateful that previous wave has ended as it was very hard. Monday will mark officially four weeks since I've taken any type of dose of my medication, and that's a big milestone. I figure if I can make it 30 days, I can make it another 30 days. And then another. And then another. I'm still confident time will bring me back to myself, but ask me again when I'm in the midst of a wave and I'm sure I'll be pessimistic about the whole thing again. Still, there is only one thing to do really, and that's to take care and wait, so that's what I'm going to focus on doing.

[Kiasofia]

Keep hanging on❤️

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

A week since my last post and I'm doing a lot better. February 6-9 were mostly the same, with solid windows in the morning, waves of mild-moderate dysphoria/depression in the afternoon, and solid windows in the evening. Sleep was light and at times uncomfortable. February 10, quite to my surprise, was a day where I felt almost entirely normal and symptom free. My mood was stable all day without any dips. I wasn't even thinking about withdrawal at all, which is a really good sign. The 11th was the same. I worked full days both those days without issue and was feeling genuinely good, productive and engaged. My sleep quality improved some too.

 

Today has been alright as well. A little bit of anxiety, a queasy feeling around noon, and some very brief mild periods of dysphoria. I really feel like this is a "turn the corner" time for me, as this is the first time since this ordeal began that I've felt consistently good and fully like myself again. While I can't say for sure whether I'm due for more waves, I feel encouraged by having a solid bright period under my belt. I certainly feel like a great deal of healing has occured.

 

Feeling cheery today and gonna get back to life. Will check back in a few days for another update. 

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

Still gradually recovering. The past 11 days I've experienced continual waves/windows, with the waves becoming smaller and less intense and the windows becoming longer. I am really starting to feel more significantly recovered now, about 80% better than I was.

 

My last "intense" wave was February 13. Since then, while still experiencing waves almost every day, they are short lived and less intense, generally only 1-2 hours in duration and something I can normally distract myself from. Today's wave probably only lasted 30 minutes.

 

My fiancé and I went away this past weekend to a nearby town for a couple of days and I had a great time. I did have a wave during the trip but managed well. I'm also back to work full time again now and managing that well. I'm feeling really blessed to be seeing myself get back to normal. 

 

My sleep is good, I'm going down well and sleeping 7-8 hours now.

 

Yeah, things are a lot better than they were a few weeks ago. I hope it continues!

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

Encouraging news thanks. May your recovery be smooth and the hiccups rare.
OldDodgy

Edited February 24, 2022 by OldDodgy
Mispell

[Scrountz]

Update: Two weeks since my last post and I'm stilling hanging in there. Today marks roughly two months since I took my last dose of Fluoxetine. Things continue to be manageable for me, though I'm still experiencing waves or symptoms.

 

I'm starting to feel like recovery is "stalling out" for me, as I have been mostly the same for the past two weeks. Each day tends to have a mild-moderate period of depression/dysphoria that can sometimes last the whole day. There are numerous moments throughout the day where I'm not thinking about withdrawal/ADR or my symptoms, but if I pay attention I notice I am feeling unwell, and sometimes I can feel quite unwell, as I am now. I still experience neuroemotions too.

 

It's becoming much harder to distinguish between what is the ADR/withdrawal and what is my stuff. It could be that some of the waves of emotions I feel are connected to emotional challenges I was experiencing before the medication. I'm certainly starting to feel that's the case, and that more and more of this is "me", though it's difficult to tell. Sometimes when deep hopelessness or despair grips me I'm reminded that before this I was a more hopeful or optimistic person, and generally didn't feel so bleak and unwell. I'm expecting it might be like this for a long time, having trouble distinguishing between the two.

 

I'll be honest when I say I'm feeling a little sad and despondent to be still experiencing symptoms two months out, though given the severity of my initial adverse reaction I should hardly be surprised. None the less, I harbored hope throughout this process that I would be more of a severe acute case, and would stabilize quickly. While mt symptoms are now mild-moderate, my suffering is protracted none the less and I'm starting to expect it will continue to be so. I miss my old self and the cheerier outlook I used to have on life. Quite beyond my control, my primary symptom as of late just seems to be a general gloom and doom feeling and sometimes waves of exaggerated self hatred. 

 

I know only time will heal me so I'm resigned to that. I'm sleeping remarkably better, and my dreams are less vivid and disturbing. I'm trying to get regular exercise including cardio or walking almost every day. I've been less consistent with my fish oil lately, but will continue to take that. Anxiety doesn't really seem to be a problem for me so much anymore so I'm not taking Magnesium so frequently, only sometimes before bed. I'm still seeing my therapist regularly and doing my best to attend to my feelings. I pray every day and still practice Qigong, which sometimes helps.

 

I hope my recovery keeps progressing and that I start to feel like myself again soon. I'm grateful for this community and the perspective its given me, as I can at least make some meaning of the experiences I've been having and don't feel like I'm just going crazy. I'll post again when it feels right.

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

I'm back in a severe wave, the worst its been in probably six weeks. Yesterday and today have been characterized by emotional instability, anixety, depression, dysphoria, despair and feelings of doom. I got progressively worse over the course of yesterday and today is the worst yet, a really dismal day. I took the day off its been so bad. I'm feeling pretty awful right now, really depressed, teary and hopeless. Something awful has gripped me and wont let go, its very hard.

 

Feeling guilty and ashamed, feeling weak and unlovable. Feeling so so low. I haven't felt like this since the beginning, and its just really really awful. I was reading about severe symptoms surfacing after a couple of months and was hoping that wasn't going to be the case for me, but I'm starting to feel like my "real" withdrawal is just beginning.

 

I don't have much more to say right now. I have supports around me. I know withdrawal gets better over time and I just have to wait it out. I know this hopelessness and depression is an exaggerated experience of withdrawal that doesn't reflect my true situation. I'm safe and loved. It still feels like crap though and I just need to vent that. This is awful. I hate these feelings so so much. I hope a window opens for me soon because this is really rough. 

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

 

So sorry you are in a nasty wave. Thankfully it will pass. 
 

Re.Reading your Feb posts reminded me of your progress.   Think on what you have achieved if you can. 
 

Withdrawal is anguish, I am not belittling your current feelings, just hoping for better days soon for you. 
 

Best wishes 

 

OldDodgy

[Scrountz]

Hey @OldDodgy, I appreciate the encouragement man. i hear you and dont feel minimized at all. I know in my current state its hard for me to feel hopeful or hold out optimism but its good to be encouraged and remember this isn't forever. I'm doing what I need right now to make myself feel comfortable and to get support. I'm hopeful this wave will pass soon too.

[Scrountz]

I'm back to frequenting this site daily now, reading success stories and looking for hope, because this new wave is pretty awful. Its primarily emotional symptoms: neurodepression, neuroanxiety, neuroshame and intrusive thoughts/ruminative thinking. I've been checking in with people, taking it easy, and doing my best to ride it out. Its amazing how my whole demeanour has shifted in the past 2-3 days, from being active, outwardly focused and engaged in life, to withdrawn, demotivated and sensitive. Its just remarkable to see how drastically a wave of symptoms can change my whole attitude and outlook on life.

 

I'm managing okay, but I'd love for this wave to be over. Its so uncomfortable and awful. I wish I could predict when it would end, or someone could tell me and reassure me. I have faith that it will though, and that's where success stories are so powerful, because I can see that even those of us who go through the worst of things eventually get better. I slowly will get better too.

 

Here's hoping it lets up soon!

 

 

[ChessieCat]

You might find this topic interesting/helpful:

Best of SA - Favourite advice and insights

 

 

Edited March 12, 2022 by ChessieCat

[Scrountz]

@ChessieCatthat post is a goldmine. Thank you for sharing it. Now, rather than trolling the forums, I've got a one stop shop for all the best perspective.

 

Reading about other's healing is my new antidepressant. It's seriously keeping me in the game right now.

[Scrountz]

I just spent a little bit of time reading over my posts from January and February, and I had to do a bit of a double take and go "Wait, was that me?" This new wave has got me disconnected from how far I've come. Reading back now I see I made massive progress in a very short time, with pretty consistent windows that got longer and longer as time went on. I'm actually kind of amazed reading over my progress. Its hard to reconcile with what I'm feeling now, but it certainly puts things in perspective. Waves feel timeless, but I really get the advantage of journaling now; it holds the truth of what our journey has really been like. After reading my old posts, I feel a renewed sense of confidence this wave will end soon.

 

Its just a pretty cool experience to see the evidence of progress right in front of me. I really made leaps and bounds over the last little while. 

[Scrountz]

Today was another pretty dismal day. The last three days have all been relatively the same, looking something like this:

 

- Mornings: Usually mild symptoms until about 10-11am, when the neurodepression, neuroanxiety and neuroshame hit. I get plagued by intrusive thoughts, crushing feelings of despair, ruminate on past issues, and generally feel depressed and crappy about myself without an external context which would trigger this.

- Afternoon: More of the same. I sometimes get "brighter" moments where symptoms abate a little bit. These seem to last an hour or two.

- Evening: Things usually let up a bit. I find evenings more manageable, without significant "attacks of symptoms", but with a still vaguely crappy feeling that follows me throughout the night.

 

I count my blessings that my sleep is unaffected. In fact, I'm sleeping fairly well lately, 7-8 hours a night with only one or two short awakenings. This has been so huge and I cant express enough gratitude for the fact I'm not dealing with insomnia, which truly can be hellish.

 

Additionally, despite my feelings being pretty severe at times, I'm actually remaining pretty functional. I'm having difficulty concentrating or focusing for too long, but I'm mostly doing what I need to do in a day, including studying, chores, managing things etc. In that sense, I'm miles better than I was a month or two ago, where I was pretty much confined to the couch or bed most days and doing anything was a huge deal.

 

Friday was the only day where I felt more severely debilitated and where I ended up taking the day off, but even then, while at home, I still got stuff done. I'm gonna try to go back to work tomorrow and see how it goes. I think I'll manage, though I doubt I'll feel comfortable.

 

Doing my best to settle into this new wave and just make the best of it. Does anyone else feel like when a new wave starts, they need a day or two to "warm up" to it? I've noticed on the journey so far that when waves start I'm often surprised by them and they take a while for me to wrap my head around that I'm back in a wave. This one especially came on so gradually, it took 2-3 days of progressive symptoms before the worst of it set in, that at first I didn't even really recognize myself in a wave.

 

 

[Scrountz]

For chronicling purposes I'm posting a quick update.

 

The 10-7 pattern of symptoms has remained pretty steady since Friday. Yesterday was a particularly bad day since I had some sleep issues the night prior, only getting about 4 hours of sleep. I think these sleep issues aren't withdrawal related but are connected to my use of Fluoride mouthwash. For the past year I've been using mouthwash daily, sometimes a Fluoride mouthwash and sometimes a Cetylpyridinium Chloride. I also experienced periods bouts of sleep disruption that would last weeks at a time. I just recently (like Sunday) switched back to a Fluoride mouthwash and lo' and behold, sleep issues. Decided not to try it last night and I slept fine. I did some research and sure enough there are some studies supporting the connection between Fluoride consumption and sleep problems. Apparently Fluoride in the blood can cause calcification of the pineal gland, impacting its ability to produce melatonin. I think I'll stay off the mouthwash for now as sleep is essential.

 

Today was better but definitely still had gloomy and dismal periods. In general I'm just finding it really difficult to do my job well this week. I'm a Child and Youth Counselor and so my work demands that I be really present and attentive during sessions with clients. Its been incredibly hard to do so when a wave of symptoms washes over me. My anxiety is high, I'm ruminating and obsessing over minor things, and in general I'm finding the work really difficult this week.

 

That being said, I'm determined to get through this. My spirit is strong. Something in me is ready to endure what comes, no matter what. I'm strong and I have support and I have faith this will not be my life forever. Those 7pm windows, as minor a reduction of symptoms as it can be sometimes, also gives me hope. I can finally start to relax a bit, my ruminating and overactive mind calms, and for a while at least things feel more manageable. 

 

I want to maybe start connecting with others more on here too. I initially reached out in the symptoms management thread to see if other's wanted to connect, but I chickened out when my symptoms got bad again and my anxiety got to be too much. I think its a good idea to stay connected though. Other's encouragement on the forum always goes a long way in boosting my spirits. 

 

Anyway, here's hoping I keep improving. 

[Scrountz]

I seem to have a curse where every time I express some optimism or resolve in the wake of an intense wave, it gets worse. Around 8pm last night I got hit with am intense and deep depression wave. When it lifted, I felt agitated, anxious and extremely unwell inside. My nervous system felt like it was on fire. I had a burning pain running up and down my spine. It felt a lot like symptoms I experienced on January 8th. 

 

I had trouble sleeping but did sleep about 6 hours. I'm at work again today but I'm feeling as bad as I've ever felt, as bad as I felt during the first week I started going through this. I've talked to all my family members again today. They're supportive but of course there's really nothing to be done and I think everyone is feeling that. I feel like I don't want to catastrophise this huge wave, because who knows how long it will last? I might be back to more manageable in a day or two. At the same time, I'm at a level of distress that feels intolerable, and want to crawl into a hole until I'm better.

 

This experience keeps stretching me in new and challenging ways. I never thought I'd be asked to learn to live with the levels of pain and distress that I've been asked to live with, let alone to still function with them. How do I live with this with some grace? Days like today it feels impossible. Some days, even when it's hard, my spirit is strong and I feel I can endure. Other days, it feels shattered and broken. Today feels like a shattered and broken day.

 

Success stories keep me going. There is so much good evidence of people recovering in time, even from really awful withdrawal experiences. I drink those success stories up as much as I can to bolster my faith and keep my going. My mantra is "another 24 hours" because what else can I do but give myself that? At some point there will be a tomorrow where this is all finally over.

[Scrountz]

The past couple of days continue to be a challenge. Thursday night I hit a nice window, the first I've had in a while now. I felt pretty calm and mostly okay finally. This carried into Friday; some symptoms (depression, anxiety, ruminating and intrusive thoughts) surfaced but at a lower intensity and I made it through the day. I did feel pretty rough for a while last night, a kind of headache/depression combo which I've felt before.

 

I did end up getting into some conflict with my partner last night and that's really thrown me through a loop this morning. It's like a whole new wave of symptoms stemmed from that and it's been a hard day. I have CPTSD and conflict in relationships can be really hard for me even on a good day, let alone when I'm in the midst of withdrawal. I've been doing everything I can to stay grounded and positive and have connected with a lot of supports. She and I also had a good talk for a while this afternoon and I think that helped us to work through some things. That being said, I'm still shook, still feeling anxious, hypersensitive, ashamed and depressed. I had some really negative intrusive thoughts this morning which have also added to the mix.

 

This whole day is just super hard, super challenging, another really hard day. The window on Thursday night really filled me with some hope though. It was miraculous, like a cloud lifting and the sun shining through and it gave me some perspective that when these awful waves are over, something really has healed. That I even have any windows is a good sign, and that my symptoms change so often I think is also a good sign. I dunno, I'm trying to maintain hope in the face of this still, as difficult as that is. I'm definitely in a new phase of withdrawal, which is significantly more difficult than the previous period as it involves many more waves and many fewer windows.

 

Trying to stay connected, and Journaling really helps too. Reading success stories too, and thinking about how one day I'll be able to write my own has also kept me going. I too want to speak reassuringly to others from a place of healing and say "It gets better!"

[Scrountz]

Its been a few days and I'm still feeling symptoms. Things are rapidly shifting, with symptom patterns changing daily. I had another severe wave of depression Saturday night and Sunday morning. Both were short lived (less than an hour) and followed by windows of calm. I went for a walk Sunday and just had the most intense and strange symptoms. My mind was racing and having the craziest thoughts, my anxiety was flying and I felt like I was going so crazy. I came home and laid down. I decided to hit an acupressure point (LI 10 for those interested) to help me calm down, and to my surprise, it worked almost immediately. I went from feeling absolutely insane to fairly calm within a matter of minutes. I couldn't believe it.

 

Since then I've been reading a lot on TCM and acupressure, and I tried out some other patterns, specifically this one, which is supposed to be good for antidepressant withdrawal, as an "aggressive energy drain" which has actually also made a difference when my mind starts to go to really dark places. I cant actually hit those points directly as they're on my back, but I use a foam roller and I seem to get some relief and nervous system regulation.

 

These are not resolving all of my symptoms but they are raising my spirits. I feel I have something to help me manage the worst of things now. I remain extremely hypersensitive most of the days, with short windows where I can feel calmer. I'm struggling with pretty constant anxiety which is low grade but sometimes flairs up. Lots of intrusive thoughts. I have to watch my thinking as its easy to ruminate, beat myself up, or getting really pessimistic about my situation. My memory and concentration are shot and my mind feels strange and wooly. I sometimes get a burning feeling on my skin at different areas of my body. I think I'm occasionally having DP too. My sleep is also a little bit disrupted.

 

I've made it through two more days of work. Its been really hard. I'm having such a hard time focusing and managing things, even though my job is "chill" in comparison to some other lines of work. I had a second session with a client today and I did the best I could, but man was it hard to follow him and I had to pause for what felt like an eternity in the middle of the session to gather myself and figure out what to say to him. I'm glad I made it through the day though, as I had some anxiety I wouldn't, and now I've proven to myself that I can do things even if they're hard, and that's a win.

 

My fiancé is also away for a planned trip. I was worried it would be really hard with her gone, but I've managed okay on my own. In some sense I think its good as its forced me to figure out other ways to support myself than just constantly soliciting her reassurance. I had plans to talk with my parents every night and roped some friends in as well, but realistically, I'm managing well enough the past couple of days that I don't feel like I need constant high levels of support.

 

There have been windows, and I think they're getting a little bit more frequent and longer now. They're "dirty windows" for sure, but I can go through periods of feeling calmer and more regulated, especially in the evening. The hypersensitivity, brain fog, memory and concentration issues seem to be chronic. Those have only gotten better a little bit for short periods of time. Everything else varies a lot in terms of frequency and intensity over the course of the day. 

 

I'm focusing on keeping my spirits up, as if I can do that, everything else seems to follow. Right now though every day continues to be somewhat of a struggle, and I imagine it will remain this way for some time. Success stories are still keeping me going. I still have faith I will heal. 

 

[Scrountz]

A little over a week later and things are mostly the same. Every day is agony, with some type of symptom that is awful and debilitating. Waves are long and awful and windows, which do come, are short and dirty. I dont think I've had a sense of true comfort since this nasty business started two weeks ago. It's hard to take perspective because my memory is shot and when a wave hits, I can't really remember at all what it's like to feel normal.

 

I feel like I was naive a few weeks ago. I don't think I really understood what protracted withdrawal is actually like. I was having so many windows and progressively improving and I thought it would just keep going. Swinging back into this is unspeakably awful. 

 

I think the hardest part has been keeping perspective. When waves are at their worst and I'm in pure agony it's extremely difficult to connect with the positive, hopeful and optimistic parts of me. A large portion of this seems to be a battle of spirit, to find ways to just keep persisting through things. 

 

I'm trying to make space for hope and despondency in equal measure. I keep reading success stories, and when things break up for me a bit, I find myself composing my own success story in my mind. The notion that there is an end to this eventually keeps me going. At the same time, sometimes I can't find any hope and I try to accept that that's okay too and it will pass. Those moments are always extremely hard.

 

I'm also just staying connected. I call one of my parents almost every day. I try to speak to sympathetic friends when I can. I'm trying not to be a constant mess around my fiance which is very hard sometimes, but I need to try to keep my head together as much as possible and just keep going. We're getting married in September and I have no intention of missing my wedding, no matter the symptoms I'm facing.

 

So yeah, I suppose this is it for me for the next while. I don't know when this is going to end and I know no one can tell me. I figure my nervous system wasn't all that stable to begin with (I've got a trauma history, prone to high anxiety, the 5-Htp had messed me up, and before taking meds I was going through a lot in my personal life) so it could be one hell of a ride back to some semblance of stability.

 

Hopeful and encouraging messages would be appreciated right now. It helps to know I'm not alone in this and I really do need perspective more than anything I think.

 

 

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

Hi 

Its only OldDodgy saying chin up! 
 

You were in such a dip in early March and you have made progress.  
 

You have had a rough time with meds in the last few months, and yet even after going CT you have had some decent windows. 
 

You post with thoughtfulness and compassion, and I think it’s that very sensitivity that cuts you off at the knees and you become self critical. 
 

I am not any good at counselling etc but I can relate to your vulnerability and can only wish you ongoing strength in recovery, your relationship and most of all I wish you joy again on a sustained basis. 
 

Yours

 

OldDodgy 

 

[Scrountz]

Thanks for the kind words @OldDodgy. It brought some tears to my eyes. I was fortunate that that evening a nice window opened for me, and I enjoyed a period of peace that I havent had in a few weeks now. This definitely helped me hold my resolve and keep going.

 

The rest of the week was still difficult, but more manageable. I wanted to report a really positive thing, which is that things dulled out enough for me that I was able to successfully write my final comprehensive exam for my masters program yesterday. I haven't got my mark back yet but I know I passed, and that was the last thing I needed to complete prior to graduation. It feels good to pushed myself through an 8 hour exam, though I think the stress of it brought on new symptoms, because this morning I was dealing with awful emotional numbness for most of the morning, and this afternoon I've been feeling depressed, dysphoric and awful.

 

But score one for me. I managed to do what I need to do to graduate, and I'm proud of that. I've still got my fight in me too, to keep going, and to see what tomorrow brings. I keep telling myself one of these days there will be a tomorrow when all of this stuff is over.

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

 

Good to hear your good news. 
 

I know it’s hard a lot the time, we wouldn’t be members of the group if everything was going swimmingly all the time. You are healing. 
 

Remember these precious windows. 
 

Yours OD 

[Scrountz]

This last week hasn't been so bad. I've had similar types of symptoms as the previous week but at a significantly lower intensity. Every day seemed to be getting a little bit easier and I was able to focus a lot better at work and was managing well.

 

Acupuncture seemed to help, though I may have already been on the upswing. I'm going to a Traditional Chinese Medical doctor because I was hoping for a thorough assessment and treatment. I feel like he doesn't really understand what I'm going through from a medical perspective, and I felt like his assessment was a little bit abrupt, but he did find a point on my back and massaged it and I noticed a difference in my feelings right away. It almost made me cry. He then gave me acupuncture using points on my ankles, my back and the top of my head, and after that session I really did feel like my mood was brighter.

 

Thursday I went back for another session and I suppose I felt the acupuncture and massage was still helpful, though I did get some muscle spasms in my stomach from one point he was hitting and he didn't do a very good job of correcting that. Also, his massage bed smelled terribly of rubbing alcohol, especially around the face hole, and I was stupid enough to just power through it. I went home and felt so unwell and unlike myself, headache, dizzy, nausea and kind of confused. I figured it was probably Isopropyl alcohol poisoning and went to the hospital because I started to feel really really unwell. The acute symptoms lasted all that evening, and I took Friday off because I wasn't feeling well still. Saturday was better, almost back to normal, and today I'm feeling a lot better and more like myself. I'm just worried the hole thing doesn't throw my into a new wave of symptoms. Isopropyl and its metabolite Acetone both act on the central nervous system. I've definitely been "intoxicated" to various degrees for like three days now and I don't like that. I've had some moderate but short lived waves of anxiety as I've come down. I'm just really hoping things don't get more severe for me again, March was an absolutely awful month and I'm amazed I made it through it, the symptoms were genuinely horrendous.

 

I do seem to still be improved. I'm not thinking about withdrawal as much and focusing on hobbies more and thats really good. I hope it stays. 

[Scrountz]

Update:

 

Its been a bit since my last update. Things have been up and down for me over the last little bit. Fortunately the whole Isopropyl incident didn't trigger more severe symptoms, but I've still been steadily symptomatic over the last ten days or so. Each day brings something, whether its neuro-emotions, hypersensitivity or waves of anxiety or dysphoria. My symptoms have been more manageable, generally a mild-moderate intensity, and I've been mostly able to keep busy and occupied and just ride things out. I've had a couple of days marked by more significant distress, but things seem to leave me fairly quickly. As I write this now I'm experiencing a wave of more intense anxiety, but that comes on the tail of a couple of better days, with only mild symptoms.

 

I did have a weird new symptom Saturday-Sunday: it felt like my ear was plugged. I had some sinus symptoms as well and I thought I might have Covid, but a rapid test came back negative and the symptoms went away after 24 hours. Haven't really had an experience like that yet through this whole ordeal. 

 

I'm noticing more severe symptoms around sleep. I tend to get dysphoric when I sleep, and feel pretty crappy when I wake up in the morning. I'm not getting cortisol spike anxiety in the morning, but I am getting this weird dysphoria through the night and its not great.

 

I'm managing. I had one more acupuncture session but I'm not going to go back. The office just smells too much of rubbing alcohol, and even though my acupuncturist made accommodations, I still left with a headache and just didn't feel great afterwards. I'll probably find a new acupuncturist when I move back to my home town in a couple of months.

 

I'm really just focusing on keeping things simple. I'm down to taking just three fish oil pills every day and my cup of green tea in the morning, and apart from that I'm avoiding any other supplements. No alcohol, no drugs, healthy food for the most part, and trying to get a bit of movement in every day, whether its a light workout at the gym, a walk at lunch or some stretching and Qigong. The simplicity of things seems to be making a difference for me. 

[Ariel]

Hi @Scrountz

Good to read your update. 

Sorry you've been going through a wavy spell. 

Your level of acceptance and skill with coping techniques is inspiring. Well done, you. 

Thank you so much for all you bring to SA. Your contributions help immeasurably. 

 

Btw I recognize your description of a plugged-ear symptom. I dealt with weird ear pressure and recurring plugged-ear feeling for a while. In my case it felt related to tension held in jaw joint as well as neck muscles and even cervico-cranial spots. The neck-head area is such a hub for nerves running in and out, so much information being signalled; sometimes something's a bit tight somewhere, putting pressure on another spot, and unusual sensations arise. 

 

It's so cool that you do Qigong. How have you learned that practice? Do you practice on your own or follow videos/online tutorials anywhere? I'm curious about Qigong and TaiChi. The few times I've tried it were really enjoyable and interesting. I've looked for in-person classes but they are hard to find where I live. Any recommendations for publically accessible resources, books or DVDs or online?

 

I hope this wave passes soon and you begin to feel some improvement. 

In gratitude, respect, support,

A.

[Scrountz]

Hey thanks for the kind words @Ariel

 

I follow Youtube videos for Qigong. My favourite is Jeffery Chand, you can check out his videos here. 

 

I figured the ear stuff was somehow related to the vagus nerve or some other cranial nerve functioning. I'm glad its gotten better. 

[Ariel]

Thanks for the link, I will check it out!

 

Yes, I agree with your hypothesis about what may be causing plugged-ear symptoms (although who knows with withdrawal? Maybe a dragonfly sneezed in Antarctica). If it's bothering you it might be possible to address via gentle biomechanical interventions that influence neuromuscular pathways, e.g. biodynamic craniosacral therapy treatment. Sounds like you are adept at accepting and floating, though. I imagine it will eventually pass on its own, especially given your remarkable fortitude and skills taking loving care of yourself. 

 

Btw, I'm curious about your cup of green tea in the morning. How do you feel afterwards? Do you not find it activating? I have had to cut out all sources of caffeine, incl. decaffeinated green tea (which I tried for a while hoping to access the benefits of theanine). 

 

I remain inspired by your focus on simplicity and what seems to be your steadiness through the storm.

Wishing you windows and moments of peace

[Scrountz]

 

Thanks for the kind words @Ariel. I don't always feel gracious during this whole process but I'm doing my best. I think watching Baylissa's webinars has been really helpful. I felt assured by her position that everyone gets better. I do believe that and that helps me to weather things. 

 

As for the green tea, I've been drinking a cup of green tea every morning for the past 15 years. As much as I know some people are sensitive to caffeine, for me its like breathing. It hasn't been a problem yet.

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Scrountz

Just want to express my admiration and respect for your recent brilliant post over on Sofa's thread. Fantastic job. Clear, grounded, constructive, kind. Super helpful. Thank you!

It is encouraging to think that you are in training to be a professional counselor. With people of your caliber on the task force, we will all be better off. Your future (and current?) clients are lucky to have you. 

Thanks again for your valuable contributions and your unique healing presence. You are an inspiration. 

A. 

 

[Scrountz]

On 4/28/2022 at 10:33 PM, Ariel said:

Hi @Scrountz

Just want to express my admiration and respect for your recent brilliant post over on Sofa's thread. Fantastic job. Clear, grounded, constructive, kind. Super helpful. Thank you!

It is encouraging to think that you are in training to be a professional counselor. With people of your caliber on the task force, we will all be better off. Your future (and current?) clients are lucky to have you. 

Thanks again for your valuable contributions and your unique healing presence. You are an inspiration. 

A. 

 

 

Appreciate your kind feedback @Ariel

[Scrountz]

Just wanted to provide another update. This past week has been a lot better from an emotional perspective. My depression/dysphoria/anxiety has really levelled out a lot. I've still had little bouts here and there but I feel a lot more emotionally stable than I have in some time now. I'm still having symptoms around sleep, though less pronounced. Really the whole milieu of emotional symptoms has improved quite a bit.

 

I'd say Sunday-Monday things took a pretty sharp turn to the physical/psychological. I got some pretty bad brain fog, a couple of episodes of just completely forgetting what I was doing, mind blankness and confusion (which was pretty scary), presyncope type symptoms, chest pressure/pain, pain along my vagus nerve, dizziness and fatigue. These have been on and off all week, of varying intensities, and not too bad but not great. Most days I'll spend most of the day not thinking about withdrawal, which I see as a really good sign.

 

I haven't changed much this week, apart from trying to get more exercise. This has been overall positive, but I do notice that too high an intensity can exacerbate symptoms. I played some tennis today, which was about the highest intensity thing I've done in a while, and as I write this I feel more dizzy, spaced out and fatigued than I have in a few days. Lingering sensitivity really is a thing. I'm really getting what other people are describing on this forum now, how certain activities can trigger symptoms. 

 

I'd say I'm feeling quite a bit better this week, a pretty significant improvement from the last couple of weeks, but still unwell and not quite like "me". Still, progress is progress. I've very grateful to be experiencing more of a window of stability and will take what I can get. Here's hoping for more stability!

[Scrountz]

Things have swung back in the wrong direction for me this week and it'd pretty demoralizing. I've experienced a gradual intensification in physical symptoms and a return of some anxiety. This may have corresponded with me discontinuing fish oil, as I ran out and decided to just see how I did without it. Evidently not great if the last few days have been any indication, though since reinstating I haven't really noticed much of an improvement. I did reinstate at 2 capsules as opposed to 3, concerned about the influence of fish oil on my nervous system and possibly being "hooked" on it and having to withdraw from it too, but I'm starting to think that was probably just crazy withdrawal thinking and I'm just in another wave now. I'll hold steady at 2 capsules for a couple of weeks at least and then maybe try 3 again if things still aren't great.

 

The shift in my symptoms is hard to describe, but its very noticeable to me. I'm more anxious this week and more sensitive to stress, more dysphoric, have had pain in my vagus nerve and the center of my chest again, a spaced out feeling in my head, cognitive fog, fatigue, malaise, headaches and dizziness. I've had a couple of short bouts of nausea and have noticed my stomach is more sensitive this week than it has been through this hole process. I also had a random bout of diarrhea today and I'm considering it as a possible symptom rather than as a consequence of something I ate. 

 

This setback, though not the most severe thing in the world, is a blow to my morale. Last week was good progress again and though I was still feeling symptomatic, I was doing better in many ways and quite grateful for that. This week I've felt much more debilitated and it's been much more challenging to do the things I normally do.

 

I suppose I feel much "sicker" this week. I used to read other's descriptions of more physical symptoms and go "Man I wish I was just experiencing that rather than suicidal depression.", but truth be told, now that I am experiencing more physical and illness-like symptoms, I can't say I feel any better about it. This still sucks in a really awful way. Yeah I don't want to throw myself off a bridge now, but I'm not doing great. Really no symptoms are good symptoms, and there is no winning the withdrawal game.

 

Fortunately the acute phase taught me the very important skill of taking things one day at a time. Coping through March actually gave me a set of skills to help me manage more severe symptoms, and I find myself instinctually applying them now. Accept/acknowledge/float, positive affirmations, gratitude for what I do have, and seeking interpersonal support are all helping me. I still have as much faith in my eventual recovery as ever. There are bound to be setbacks and perhaps even very difficult periods where things get much worse before I get better, but I know healing will come for me in time.

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Scrountz

Sorry it's rough going. 

Holding space <3

[Scrountz]

This last week things kind of kept on mostly the way they were, with primarily physical symptoms that were actually clearing up. Wednesday and Thursday I had some nice clear windows in the afternoon/evening where I was feeling a lot calmer and clearer in my head and pretty decent, which was nice. I was getting optimistic but I also had the little thought in my head that something new was going to emerge soon, and sure enough I was right.

 

Friday morning things swung hard in the emotional direction. Starting around 10am a wave of severe anxiety rolled in and wouldn't let up. I had strong intrusive thoughts, strange sensations in my head area, and just the worst type of anxiety. The whole day was coloured by these awful symptoms, and it felt like the dawn of a new phase.

 

Saturday was the same, with lots of anxiety, more intrusive thoughts, and general discomfort. Sunday things shifted in the direction of depression, and some trauma stuff started coming up. It just took me over, and I found myself unable to use Acknowledge, Accept, Float like I normally did and ended up starting to engage in some processing. To my surprise, despite it being incredibly difficult to do, I was able to process some of my feelings, which felt really interesting. To date I haven't really been able to process much, with most of my feelings being neurologically engendered, even if they share the flavour of the standard fair of stuff I was dealing with pre-ADR. This felt different. I carried my processing forward to this morning, talking more with my counsellor, and that was helpful.

 

Today was awful though. Deep depression and SI and an incredible amount of confusion on my part. Which of my feelings are real? Which are ADR caused? Trauma is hard to figure out on a good day and when you throw in this nervous system dysregulation it becomes a terrible, raging beast, 1000 times worse.

 

Somehow I've made it through the day. I feel more settled the way I would feel settled after grounding out of a flashback, though still uneasy. I've come up with a bit of a plan for how to move forward, and I feel a little better feeling like I've got a way forward for myself. I hope things start to level out again, or I'm able to move forward in my trauma healing, because this is incredibly hard.