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Perspective: understanding a process


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I felt this was relevant to talk about. I'll make it brief but as descriptive as possible, but I honestly just had this weird realization. I finally forced myself to get up, shower, shave, and do my regular routine. This showed me that I'm definitely not down and out.


I was 23 in 2016 when I had LASIK surgery. All was well for 1.5 years. I woke up in October of 2017 and my whole work was different; Worsened dry eyes, neuropathic pain, floaters, glare, halos, starburts... the list goes on. I was gaslit by physicians who were proponents of the surgery. I was once told by one, "This was just a part of the timeline of your life. The surgery is a separate experience." It took me the latter part of 2.5 years to find the answers and inevitably get to a point where I could "ignore and accept" the reality of what had happened to me. A couple things to mention: I was previously diagnosed with depression since age 15 (I believe) and had trialed medications in the past. I never stuck with them, and I inevitably stopped Lexapro prior to the surgery. Another thing to mention is that it's CONTRAINDICATED TO DO AN ELECTIVE SURGERY ON A DEPRESSED CHILD. I was told this by physicians who ultimately supported the surgery but had some more moralistic standpoints than one had experienced. 


Knowing what we know about depression, mental health, and psychiatric meds is that the CNS affects the neurological components elsewhere in the body, i.e. peripherally. It's suspected that the antidepressants and my state of health contributed to my horrible outcome. Ultimately, the trauma from the surgery led me into such a spiral that I thought my life was over... but I never lost hope. It does, however, make sense why I developed my mode of thinking and symptoms that emulate that over several diagnoses. I was able to find physicians who acknowledged my problems and had solutions. I owe them my life, and I have a deep profound admiration for these 3 that will expand through the rest of my life. There ARE good physicians who understand the complexities of life's problems, evils of the world, and admonish the drive for truth and healing. 


I utilized what's called Autologous Serum Tears. These are tears made from your blood and saline. The idea is the neurotrophic healing components of the platelets and proteins in your blood will recover the tissue and nerves in the cornea. If I told you that this treatment consistent with therapy, supplementation, physicians I trusted, and the woman who at the point was my rock gave me the chance to recover from "impossible" circumstances, would you believe me? I wouldn't have believed me, but I believe myself now.


I sit here.. a month away from my 29th birthday wondering why, how, when, what.. All these different questions as to how come I have to feel the way I do. I'm having a normal human experience to all the traumas and circumstances that have been dealt to me. I may have symptoms of x amount of disorders. We all do. We're human and have a range of emotions that sometimes include more eccentricity or abnormalities than aren't consistent with the "norm". There's nothing wrong with you, and there never was anything "wrong" with you. It's funny how mental illness skyrocketed after the advent of conventional treatment methods, isn't it? The civilization we've created has developed this completely unrealistic idea of who we're supposed to be. Depression is 2nd leading cause of disability and we talk about it, yet we have the worst possible highlighted treatment methods v. integrated methods. Life is hard, and it's simultaneously amazing and crappy. 


If I can acknowledge healing and perseverance through these issues.. you can make it through this and you WILL make it through this. 


I was able to use my own body and sheer willpower to persevere through something that was seemingly impossible to overcome. I was mutilated and destroyed by physicians previously, and here I am understanding that if I'm able to recover from this.. I can conquer anything. You will too.

Lamictal 9/8/21 - 12/15/21

200-100 for 1 week roughly

100-50 for 3 days then cessation.

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