Mdawg: 13 years of fluvoxamine and others

[Ariel]

@Mdawg

I'm out of "hearts" but I send you mine 

 

[Mdawg]

For me, the drugs made me stop caring as much about nature, or having a purpose.  They made it easier for me to blend in, adapt, try to fit in and camouflage into human society.  In the back of my mind was always a tiny voice saying this is arbitrary, this is meaningless… this construct of “society “ is a death-denying charade, offering participants an illusion of control over chaos.  The drugs made it easy for me to sweep aside this voice and enjoy my cognitive dissonance and emotional suppression hedonistically. I always knew deep down that the charade had to be temporary, that whatever I was pretending to be or whoever was occupying my body and mind was working within borrowed time, meanwhile passively creating as much unchecked destruction as possible.   A drug with the power to turn an ancient human animal into a modern zombie unencumbered by depth of being.  How toxic and evil, nefarious and scarily destructive.  Altostrata’s Einstein quote comes to mind.

[Mdawg]

Lately having period and dp dr along with intermittent spirit leaving my body and random inntelectuo-psycho-spiritual downloads, need to spend much time in a forest every day 

[Mirtazapine20mg]

20 minutes ago, Mdawg said:

In the back of my mind was always a tiny voice saying this is arbitrary, this is meaningless… this construct of “society “ is a death-denying charade, offering participants an illusion of control over chaos.

Amen. How I hate modern society have lost its ability to critical examine and reflect upon the values and truths on which it is build. We lost the books and here we are. Now I will amuse myself with a Youtube-video.  

[DazzlingCold]

17 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Sometimes I think… maybe “God” directed this to happen to me… because I have something inside me that when unlocked by this suffering, can save the world.  If I had not been forced to my knees in suffering, forced to break open and reach out for help, my head jerked painfully in the direction of this forum… I would not have seen, I would not have needed to care, I would not have empathized, the commonality of our suffering would not have been made real to me.

The purpose of my life, I have always known… is environmental conservation.  Nature has always called to me in reverberating whispers that I hear with my bones… ever since I can remember.  
Something tells me that this is gold, hidden in a treasure box under the soil of comfort.  
The comfort had to be shoveled off, the box dug up, and now the lid is being cracked open.  Humans are born of nature, natural selection, evolution… or God, depending upon one’s beliefs…

perhaps humans like us, the pain we carry, it is nature… the purpose of the drugs was to destroy our pain, and pain allows us to feel, to connect, to care.  Sensitivity is expanded consciousness, and Earth is the only known seat of consciousness in the universe, and these drugs are destroying consciousness… so what does that tell you?

I love this SO much! this is the stuff I am passionate about (spirituality). @Mdawg I know you have a curiosity for mushrooms... have you read some sort of proposal to implement different kinds of mushrooms to "heal" the exploited soil and remove toxins or something along those lines? It is amazing how much nature does for us. I have developed more and more empathy and sensitivity for the earth after an experience with psilocybin. My heart for dogs also grew after I bonded wit my sister's dog. I feel for more animals as well, although not as much as for dogs. 

About medications destroying our consciousness, I also agree. I often wonder how I would have gone through a spiritual awakening back when I was 19 (when I started meds) but it got pushed back until my last beginning of taper in April. Well, actually, it all started when I was 19, but lately it has been developing exponentially. A part of me does not disqualify the conspiracy theory of those in power wanting to keep our consciousness down, and doing it through meds. Maybe the intention is not to keep our consciousness low, but by focusing on money and working for a sociopathic capitalist system (note: I don't believe capitalism is bad, but  sociopathic capitalism is bad) is bound to produce low consciousness in the people within that system. It is sad to see that a lot of the values upheld by our society are that of power without regards to our fellow humans and the nature that was given to us, or the value of masculinity at the expense of femininity, the invalidation of femininity, seeing sensitivity and kindness as weakness, etc... Those intentions and actions will keep our consciousness low so if the values of our society continue to be those, well... we know what the outcome is. 

I have read that those who hold more consciousness vibrate at such a frequency, that they can maintain the world even with so many people having low consciousness (note: I am not including myself in either category as I will not describe myself in relation to others in this case). I also ready about the different purposes of generations, in a spiritual sense. This is similar to the way other information on google describe the values of each generations. Have you heard of Indigo people? (That may be my generation-not sure). Supposedly, we came to Earth to break unhealthy systems and to rebel. The way I see it, the questioning of the actual systems in place started. Your generation is bringing a lot of empathy and sensitivity to this world. A lot of emotional validation, consciousness and wonderful things. 

.and guuuurl! this quote "pain allows us to feel, to connect, to care.  Sensitivity is expanded consciousness, and Earth is the only known seat of consciousness in the universe" !!!!! May I steal it to post on my IG?

We could be doing so much more to show gratitude to what is given to us like everything on Earth. It saddens me when I see people being wasteful of things, food, water. I am too at times, but I try my best not to be. Feeling part of what is around us is so beautiful to me. I feel less lonely and more connected, more at peace. I think nature is the answer to everything hehe. This is one of the reasons I love the movie Avatar. I just have to stop consuming so many animal products or if I have to continue consuming them, I would love to know that the animals were not mistreated and were given a good life and a good death before they became food. 

I love these thoughts you shared. They bring some tears to my eyes... in a good way. Thank you for sharing. 

[DazzlingCold]

1 minute ago, DazzlingCold said:

I love this SO much! this is the stuff I am passionate about (spirituality). @Mdawg I know you have a curiosity for mushrooms... have you read some sort of proposal to implement different kinds of mushrooms to "heal" the exploited soil and remove toxins or something along those lines? It is amazing how much nature does for us. I have developed more and more empathy and sensitivity for the earth after an experience with psilocybin. My heart for dogs also grew after I bonded wit my sister's dog. I feel for more animals as well, although not as much as for dogs. 

About medications destroying our consciousness, I also agree. I often wonder how I would have gone through a spiritual awakening back when I was 19 (when I started meds) but it got pushed back until my last beginning of taper in April. Well, actually, it all started when I was 19, but lately it has been developing exponentially. A part of me does not disqualify the conspiracy theory of those in power wanting to keep our consciousness down, and doing it through meds. Maybe the intention is not to keep our consciousness low, but by focusing on money and working for a sociopathic capitalist system (note: I don't believe capitalism is bad, but  sociopathic capitalism is bad) is bound to produce low consciousness in the people within that system. It is sad to see that a lot of the values upheld by our society are that of power without regards to our fellow humans and the nature that was given to us, or the value of masculinity at the expense of femininity, the invalidation of femininity, seeing sensitivity and kindness as weakness, etc... Those intentions and actions will keep our consciousness low so if the values of our society continue to be those, well... we know what the outcome is. 

I have read that those who hold more consciousness vibrate at such a frequency, that they can maintain the world even with so many people having low consciousness (note: I am not including myself in either category as I will not describe myself in relation to others in this case). I also ready about the different purposes of generations, in a spiritual sense. This is similar to the way other information on google describe the values of each generations. Have you heard of Indigo people? (That may be my generation-not sure). Supposedly, we came to Earth to break unhealthy systems and to rebel. The way I see it, the questioning of the actual systems in place started. Your generation is bringing a lot of empathy and sensitivity to this world. A lot of emotional validation, consciousness and wonderful things. 

.and guuuurl! this quote "pain allows us to feel, to connect, to care.  Sensitivity is expanded consciousness, and Earth is the only known seat of consciousness in the universe" !!!!! May I steal it to post on my IG?

We could be doing so much more to show gratitude to what is given to us like everything on Earth. It saddens me when I see people being wasteful of things, food, water. I am too at times, but I try my best not to be. Feeling part of what is around us is so beautiful to me. I feel less lonely and more connected, more at peace. I think nature is the answer to everything hehe. This is one of the reasons I love the movie Avatar. I just have to stop consuming so many animal products or if I have to continue consuming them, I would love to know that the animals were not mistreated and were given a good life and a good death before they became food. 

I love these thoughts you shared. They bring some tears to my eyes... in a good way. Thank you for sharing. 

Just to clarify, when I talk about how masculinity is valued more than femininity, I don't mean masculinity as all men. We all have both energies within us, but masculine traits are perceived as better in this world. Don't want to get into a battle of the sexes as this is meant to refer to the feminine and masculinity energy polarities in all of us, men or women. 

[Ariel]

@Mdawg @DazzlingCold

I wonder whether you might enjoy the work of writer Sophie Strand. 

For example this piece, Connective Tissue Disease As Mycelial Metaphor

 

[DazzlingCold]

21 minutes ago, Ariel said:

@Mdawg @DazzlingCold

I wonder whether you might enjoy the work of writer Sophie Strand. 

For example this piece, Connective Tissue Disease As Mycelial Metaphor

 

I loved that piece! Mushrooms do not seize to amaze me. Nature is unbelievably wise. I recently learned how plants, tress, fungi communicate through underground networks and help each other out. Everything is so connected. 

[DazzlingCold]

18 hours ago, Mdawg said:

For me, the drugs made me stop caring as much about nature, or having a purpose.  They made it easier for me to blend in, adapt, try to fit in and camouflage into human society.  In the back of my mind was always a tiny voice saying this is arbitrary, this is meaningless… this construct of “society “ is a death-denying charade, offering participants an illusion of control over chaos.  The drugs made it easy for me to sweep aside this voice and enjoy my cognitive dissonance and emotional suppression hedonistically. I always knew deep down that the charade had to be temporary, that whatever I was pretending to be or whoever was occupying my body and mind was working within borrowed time, meanwhile passively creating as much unchecked destruction as possible.   A drug with the power to turn an ancient human animal into a modern zombie unencumbered by depth of being.  How toxic and evil, nefarious and scarily destructive.  Altostrata’s Einstein quote comes to mind.

I hope you realize your talent in writing and expressing yourself so beautifully @Mdawg

[Mdawg]

13 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

I hope you realize your talent in writing and expressing yourself so beautifully @Mdawg

😭thank you for appreciating it.  I am expressing myself in writing for the first time.  When I was a kid I loved to express myself through viscerally realistic visual art, and then the drugs muted me and my visceral experience.  I continued to express myself through drawing and painting, but the drawings and paintings became less and less realistic and tactile and more and more dreamlike and incomplete… I became (physically, emotionally, cognitively) creatively constipated.  I was born with innate uncontrollable creativity, and then the drugs laid a heavy blanket over that, and I always felt like I had something underneath the surface, but couldn’t reach it.  I was always shy, but I stopped expressing myself verbally as well, stopped being connected with the world.  I became totally cut off in a dark shadow bubble and my paintings reflected my dreams of escape and what it looked like from the inside.  While I was in there, I became increasingly frustrated with how paralyzed I was, and I stopped drawing, and painting just wasn’t enough anymore.  It stopped doing anything for me.  I couldn’t write yet, I couldn’t form words.  I built up pressure with time and suffering.  Now I can form words, and the tap is beginning to leak in the way that it might right before it bursts open.  Drawing and painting felt like child’s play… I silently vowed to channel my existential flame into something far more powerful, accessible, communicative and far reaching… then I was encouraged and inspired by the fluent imagery of Ariel’s prose.

[Mdawg]

13 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

I loved that piece! Mushrooms do not seize to amaze me. Nature is unbelievably wise. I recently learned how plants, tress, fungi communicate through underground networks and help each other out. Everything is so connected. 

And tree roots resemble blood vessels

[Mdawg]

14 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

I love this SO much! this is the stuff I am passionate about (spirituality). @Mdawg I know you have a curiosity for mushrooms... have you read some sort of proposal to implement different kinds of mushrooms to "heal" the exploited soil and remove toxins or something along those lines? It is amazing how much nature does for us. I have developed more and more empathy and sensitivity for the earth after an experience with psilocybin. My heart for dogs also grew after I bonded wit my sister's dog. I feel for more animals as well, although not as much as for dogs. 

About medications destroying our consciousness, I also agree. I often wonder how I would have gone through a spiritual awakening back when I was 19 (when I started meds) but it got pushed back until my last beginning of taper in April. Well, actually, it all started when I was 19, but lately it has been developing exponentially. A part of me does not disqualify the conspiracy theory of those in power wanting to keep our consciousness down, and doing it through meds. Maybe the intention is not to keep our consciousness low, but by focusing on money and working for a sociopathic capitalist system (note: I don't believe capitalism is bad, but  sociopathic capitalism is bad) is bound to produce low consciousness in the people within that system. It is sad to see that a lot of the values upheld by our society are that of power without regards to our fellow humans and the nature that was given to us, or the value of masculinity at the expense of femininity, the invalidation of femininity, seeing sensitivity and kindness as weakness, etc... Those intentions and actions will keep our consciousness low so if the values of our society continue to be those, well... we know what the outcome is. 

I have read that those who hold more consciousness vibrate at such a frequency, that they can maintain the world even with so many people having low consciousness (note: I am not including myself in either category as I will not describe myself in relation to others in this case). I also ready about the different purposes of generations, in a spiritual sense. This is similar to the way other information on google describe the values of each generations. Have you heard of Indigo people? (That may be my generation-not sure). Supposedly, we came to Earth to break unhealthy systems and to rebel. The way I see it, the questioning of the actual systems in place started. Your generation is bringing a lot of empathy and sensitivity to this world. A lot of emotional validation, consciousness and wonderful things. 

.and guuuurl! this quote "pain allows us to feel, to connect, to care.  Sensitivity is expanded consciousness, and Earth is the only known seat of consciousness in the universe" !!!!! May I steal it to post on my IG?

We could be doing so much more to show gratitude to what is given to us like everything on Earth. It saddens me when I see people being wasteful of things, food, water. I am too at times, but I try my best not to be. Feeling part of what is around us is so beautiful to me. I feel less lonely and more connected, more at peace. I think nature is the answer to everything hehe. This is one of the reasons I love the movie Avatar. I just have to stop consuming so many animal products or if I have to continue consuming them, I would love to know that the animals were not mistreated and were given a good life and a good death before they became food. 

I love these thoughts you shared. They bring some tears to my eyes... in a good way. Thank you for sharing. 

Definitely, that thing about the generations is interesting.  It’s a tricky situation, humans are in.  

[Mdawg]

Fluvoxamine made me unable to love and to feel love.  Let’s just keep that on the record.

im feeling neuro-love for you all 🙃

at the same time as all the pain… like stained-glass windows layered on top of each other 

if I do nothing but lie here and feel my emotions for the rest of my days, I will have lived a life worth living.

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/18/2022 at 12:26 AM, Mdawg said:

😭thank you for appreciating it.  I am expressing myself in writing for the first time.  When I was a kid I loved to express myself through viscerally realistic visual art, and then the drugs muted me and my visceral experience.  I continued to express myself through drawing and painting, but the drawings and paintings became less and less realistic and tactile and more and more dreamlike and incomplete… I became (physically, emotionally, cognitively) creatively constipated.  I was born with innate uncontrollable creativity, and then the drugs laid a heavy blanket over that, and I always felt like I had something underneath the surface, but couldn’t reach it.  I was always shy, but I stopped expressing myself verbally as well, stopped being connected with the world.  I became totally cut off in a dark shadow bubble and my paintings reflected my dreams of escape and what it looked like from the inside.  While I was in there, I became increasingly frustrated with how paralyzed I was, and I stopped drawing, and painting just wasn’t enough anymore.  It stopped doing anything for me.  I couldn’t write yet, I couldn’t form words.  I built up pressure with time and suffering.  Now I can form words, and the tap is beginning to leak in the way that it might right before it bursts open.  Drawing and painting felt like child’s play… I silently vowed to channel my existential flame into something far more powerful, accessible, communicative and far reaching… then I was encouraged and inspired by the fluent imagery of Ariel’s prose.

❤️ i hear you

@Ariel is such a blessing 

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/18/2022 at 12:27 AM, Mdawg said:

And tree roots resemble blood vessels

And lungs ❤️ 

[Mdawg]

I’ve been noticing that food is everything; I feel like a different person depending on what I just ate.  Foods that work for me and make me feel good are:

broccoli (natural antihistamine)

potatoes (sustained release complex carb)

garlic in small amounts (lowers blood pressure)

turmeric and black pepper tea (anti inflammatory)

ginger tea

antioxidants like blueberries, pomegranate, açaí, lemon juice increase the potency of blood levels of Fluvoxamine 

oatmeal (another sustained release carb)

plant protein powder 

almonds

eggs

dark leafy greens 

fish and fish oil

olive oil and olives

root vegetables 

rarely coconut ( only occasionally because coconut contains a lot of saturated fats which suppress dopamine and I can feel it as soon as I eat it)

aloe juice or pulp is just as soothing to the gut as it is to the skin, and the gut is a huge part of the nervous system 

dark chocolate (feels good)

things I can no longer tolerate: dairy, any grains except for oats, sugar, caffeine, meat, beans, spicy spices, peanuts(bean), pineapple orange banana (high histamine)

 

so this is how I’m eating now because my body just likes some things and hates others, and it manifests in my thoughts and feelings and physical sensations.  I don’t seem to have a choice, just like when I got Celiac way back then so I just know what works and that’s that.  Food is either medicine or poison.  Just like medicine is either medicine or poison.

 

I feel twinges which I think is akathisia and it manifests mostly in the peripheral nerves of my right hand an foot, but sometimes on the left, as a deep uncomfortable tickling sensation inside the nerve upon the occurrence of a stressful thought.  I have been experiencing this for years but didn’t know what it was and always just interpreted it as a signal that it was time to leave wherever I was and go exercise as hard as I possibly can, and it would stop when I did that.  Nowadays, my body is too beat up to do much except for nature walking (never on pavement) light weights, and swimming, which I cannot always do right when I get the urge, so I’m using all my  meditation skills to objectively observe what appears in my consciousness within my body.

[Mdawg]

Also using magnesium daily and no more CBD 

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/19/2022 at 2:04 PM, Mdawg said:

I’ve been noticing that food is everything; I feel like a different person depending on what I just ate.  Foods that work for me and make me feel good are:

broccoli (natural antihistamine)

potatoes (sustained release complex carb)

garlic in small amounts (lowers blood pressure)

turmeric and black pepper tea (anti inflammatory)

ginger tea

antioxidants like blueberries, pomegranate, açaí, lemon juice increase the potency of blood levels of Fluvoxamine 

oatmeal (another sustained release carb)

plant protein powder 

almonds

eggs

dark leafy greens 

fish and fish oil

olive oil and olives

root vegetables 

rarely coconut ( only occasionally because coconut contains a lot of saturated fats which suppress dopamine and I can feel it as soon as I eat it)

aloe juice or pulp is just as soothing to the gut as it is to the skin, and the gut is a huge part of the nervous system 

dark chocolate (feels good)

things I can no longer tolerate: dairy, any grains except for oats, sugar, caffeine, meat, beans, spicy spices, peanuts(bean), pineapple orange banana (high histamine)

 

so this is how I’m eating now because my body just likes some things and hates others, and it manifests in my thoughts and feelings and physical sensations.  I don’t seem to have a choice, just like when I got Celiac way back then so I just know what works and that’s that.  Food is either medicine or poison.  Just like medicine is either medicine or poison.

 

I feel twinges which I think is akathisia and it manifests mostly in the peripheral nerves of my right hand an foot, but sometimes on the left, as a deep uncomfortable tickling sensation inside the nerve upon the occurrence of a stressful thought.  I have been experiencing this for years but didn’t know what it was and always just interpreted it as a signal that it was time to leave wherever I was and go exercise as hard as I possibly can, and it would stop when I did that.  Nowadays, my body is too beat up to do much except for nature walking (never on pavement) light weights, and swimming, which I cannot always do right when I get the urge, so I’m using all my  meditation skills to objectively observe what appears in my consciousness within my body.

So awesome you've been able to pin point what foods help you and which don't. So saturated fats suppress dopamine? And can I ask, when did you start experiencing intolerance to foods? Did it have anything to do with withdrawal/taper or did you stop eating those foods and can no longer tolerate them? Or have you just gained awareness of how it affects you recently?

I am trying to pin point something in what I use in my skin or what I eat or environmental (like pollen)that causes slight irritation and itching on my face. I'd love to gain awareness, eventually, on how each food affects me as well. 

[Mdawg]

10 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

So awesome you've been able to pin point what foods help you and which don't. So saturated fats suppress dopamine? And can I ask, when did you start experiencing intolerance to foods? Did it have anything to do with withdrawal/taper or did you stop eating those foods and can no longer tolerate them? Or have you just gained awareness of how it affects you recently?

I am trying to pin point something in what I use in my skin or what I eat or environmental (like pollen)that causes slight irritation and itching on my face. I'd love to gain awareness, eventually, on how each food affects me as well. 

Food sensitivities began after quitting Wellbutrin 

[Mdawg]

Feeling despair 

crying every day 

cant help comparing my life to those of my friends who got the chance to have a childhood and be a teenager and young adult 

All the time spent feeling blank and sick over the years when I should have been making friends, playing sports, experimenting with identity, having a sexuality 

I spent high school personifying the effects of Fluvoxamine 

didn’t get my drivers license while on it-too blank and hypnosedated

want to be able to get myself around 

terrified of public transportation 

my nervous system and motor control is out of my control now still, just in a different way 

terrified of car accidents 

don’t trust myself 

my parents are willing to drive me places, but I feel trapped, just like in teen years, when I was being shuttled around to “doctors “ to be poisoned and then blamed for getting sick

[Mdawg]

10 minutes ago, Mdawg said:

Food sensitivities began after quitting Wellbutrin 

Wellbutrin is a very powerful antihistamine and anticholinergic

[Mdawg]

1 minute ago, Mdawg said:

Feeling despair 

crying every day 

cant help comparing my life to those of my friends who got the chance to have a childhood and be a teenager and young adult 

All the time spent feeling blank and sick over the years when I should have been making friends, playing sports, experimenting with identity, having a sexuality 

I spent high school personifying the effects of Fluvoxamine 

didn’t get my drivers license while on it-too blank and hypnosedated

want to be able to get myself around 

terrified of public transportation 

my nervous system and motor control is out of my control now still, just in a different way 

terrified of car accidents 

don’t trust myself 

my parents are willing to drive me places, but I feel trapped, just like in teen years, when I was being shuttled around to “doctors “ to be poisoned and then blamed for getting sick

So much shame 

[Mdawg]

I think the reason I don’t trust myself is because of the message that was sent to me at 11 of there is something fundamentally wrong with me that needed to be fixed with pills that made me miserable and suicidal and unable to love 

[Mdawg]

I don’t even remember what or who I was over the years 

[Mdawg]

But I remember as a kid before drugs, feeling a deep sense of loneliness 

Inter generational trauma

[Mdawg]

The only time I ever feel truly at peace is during and after vigorous exercise involving heavy and controlled breathing, and not having eaten much during the day 

I hate how I feel after eating now most days, I feel like a bag of nerves with something unpleasant stuffed inside 

[Mdawg]

I might transition to getting extended release from a compounding pharmacy, the immediate release 12.5 mg twice a day, is too brutallly sudden

[ChessieCat]

I suggest you do your research before committing to getting them compounded.  When I got my Pristiq compounded I had the slow release formula added to the capsules.  However I realised almost at the end of my taper (10mg, starting dose 100mg) that I should have been taking them twice a day.  I used to get anxiety in the mornings which I think might have been interdose withdrawal (I would have been experiencing it overnight whilst I slept) and eased as the tablet taken in the morning when I got up started to get into my system.

 

This is what one compounding company uses: 

  

On 3/23/2016 at 10:50 AM, Fresh said:

About the "slow-release additive"  (necessary for pristiq and some other meds.):

""We are PCCA (Professional Compounding Center of America) approved pharmacy and we use PCCA ingredients for our compounds. PCCA has approved us to use Methocel (E4M) as the only ingredient for slow released formulated compounds. 

 

 PCCA approved pharmacies use Methocel (E4M) as their slow-released ingredient, however, we will have no access to other independent pharmacies's medical data on what slow-released ingredients would they use. "

 

 

[Ariel]

@Mdawg

Oh friend

 

3 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Feeling despair 

crying every day 

cant help comparing my life to those of my friends who got the chance to have a childhood and be a teenager and young adult 

3 hours ago, Mdawg said:

So much shame 

3 hours ago, Mdawg said:

I don’t even remember what or who I was over the years 

 

My heart goes out to you in your grief. 

I'm holding space for your experience, holding space for you in healing process.

 

Sending so much love 

 

 

[Mdawg]

For now I will reinstate a small amount of vaporized CBD in the evening it has a long half-life and seems to interact with Fluvoxamine by making it stronger 

[Mdawg]

What I am learning and have learned from this is to prioritize my wellbeing above all and to have an amazing sense of humor, both of these things being valuable throughout life and hard won through suffering 

[Ariel]

@Mdawg

Thinking of you <3

 

Are you able to/interested in watching tv/movies/streaming content? I've been wondering what your preferred distractions are besides exercise. I've been watching so much stuff for years now like the WD champ that I am, if you ever want a recommendation let me know. 

 

Sending hugs 

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/21/2022 at 10:32 PM, Mdawg said:

Feeling despair 

crying every day 

cant help comparing my life to those of my friends who got the chance to have a childhood and be a teenager and young adult 

All the time spent feeling blank and sick over the years when I should have been making friends, playing sports, experimenting with identity, having a sexuality 

I spent high school personifying the effects of Fluvoxamine 

didn’t get my drivers license while on it-too blank and hypnosedated

want to be able to get myself around 

terrified of public transportation 

my nervous system and motor control is out of my control now still, just in a different way 

terrified of car accidents 

don’t trust myself 

my parents are willing to drive me places, but I feel trapped, just like in teen years, when I was being shuttled around to “doctors “ to be poisoned and then blamed for getting sick

Hugs for you

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/21/2022 at 10:38 PM, Mdawg said:

I think the reason I don’t trust myself is because of the message that was sent to me at 11 of there is something fundamentally wrong with me that needed to be fixed with pills that made me miserable and suicidal and unable to love 

I completely feel you. Painful to realize. Hugs

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/21/2022 at 10:34 PM, Mdawg said:

Wellbutrin is a very powerful antihistamine and anticholinergic

Thank you for answering/sharing this. It will help me prepare.

[Mdawg]

10 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Mdawg

Thinking of you ❤️

 

Are you able to/interested in watching tv/movies/streaming content? I've been wondering what your preferred distractions are besides exercise. I've been watching so much stuff for years now like the WD champ that I am, if you ever want a recommendation let me know. 

 

Sending hugs 

Thank you, I would love some recommendations.  Although I have been purposefully cleansing my life of convenient distractions/entertainment.  I wasted so many years under the fog and pursuing constant distraction, and the fog encouraged and pushed the consumption of distraction.  So now I am sitting with my thoughts and being at every moment, because I have consumed enough distractions already for one lifetime.  Although at night before bed I will watch relaxing and or meditative and or educational things.