☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[MaryKA]

mammaP, does your grandson know that your meds/WD affect you?  Or is it that he doesn't really realise cos he's 14?

[MaryKA]

cos I'm catching up, mammaP, so sorry to hear about your flu and then also WD after dropping from 4 to 3 beads. How is it now? If it's the repercussions of your holiday, it has to be worth it!? Keep on going, it must get better. I'm so glad you got away on hol with your daughter, something to hang on to if you're low!

[mammaP]

mammaP, does your grandson know that your meds/WD affect you?  Or is it that he doesn't really realise cos he's 14?

No he hasn't a clue, I haven't said anything to him about it. I'm not sure he'd get it . I feel a bit better today,

had my neighbour in for coffee and she was looking through my beads but I was fine with it today. Yesterday was

one of those days when every little sound is amplified and lights are too bright. I get that when I aren't well, my nerves 

feel so raw. I've always let the kids make things when they come here, as long as they tidy up afterwards and ask

before using something in case I need it. He remembered a specific bead and wanted that one but we couldn't find

it. I have a wardrobe which I removed the rail and out shelves in, it is FULL of boxes of beading/jewellery making

paraphanalia and he wanted ONE bead, lol. Had to improvise in the end, I think his brother might have used the one

he wanted for HIS girlfriend. Last week he took card and paper stuff into the spare room and spent an hour making

something. He didn't tell me what or show me I just saw him looking for 'stuff' to make it with. I love it when they do 

that, much better than sitting with the computer ! 

[MaryKA]

How to let the g'children of our agonies is not easy ... I did not know about my stepgrandma wearing a wig until after she died in 1985. She'd lost her hair at the age of 18 in 1918 after the Spanish flu epidemic, and wore a wig thereafter, and the only clue that i had, looking back, is from 1983ish when my dad commented on her letting her grey show though, just a bit (she was always dark, dark brown before).

 

There's no right way, depends on everyone involved. 

 

Creative time is so good, and isn't it good when one can make the space and stuff and time for it to happen! I wish the same for my own g'children. Hope you can cope up!

[mammaP]

Felt a bit better yesterday then this morning was hit by a terrible wave of desperation, the kind that 

makes me think I can't cope with this for another minute. Then it was gone, it's always in the mornings if

 I feel that way, when I have to get up. I'm ok in bed, I love my bed, it's cosy, warm and safe, getting out

of it and leaving it behind is traumatic sometimes but I can't stay there forever! Usually I come round

about lunchtime and can go out in the afternoon. Not today because it's a dull dreary dismal rainy day.

Now i is 5.30pm and pitch black outside, I hate winter when it's like this, I don't mind frost or snow as 

long as the sun shines but hate this cloud. 

I once read that the phrase 'under the weather' came from days like this and  winter depression. I can see 

why. 

 

I've been sticking blu-tac round the window frames to cut the draught today, hoping it will make the place

a bit warmer, it certainly stopped the freezing cold air coming in! 

[Rhiannon]

Hi mamma, I'm sorry you're having a rough spell. Between the withdrawal and the weather and lack of light it's challenging! I live further south than you do but further north than I've ever lived before and the short days take their toll.

 

Hang in there! And remember what you said a while back, how good it was for you to get to bed earlier and get up early enough to experience more sunlight. My therapy light lamp is great but nothing is as good as actual daylight, for me. 

 

I definitely relate to the feeling of just wanting to stay tucked up in your nice cozy safe comfy bed!

 

You're at the point in your taper where one bead is a big percentage of the total, so please be very patient and caring with yourself. We are all behind you and rooting for you.

[MaryKA]

Hi mammaP, about the light, yesterday was terribly dark. I drove out at midday and cars had their lights on (and me too). It was bizarre! And today we had windy gusts so that an outhouse door was blown in ... 

[mammaP]

Hi Rhi and Mary, I love Scotland but hate the few weeks from the end of October when the clocks change until

late December when the days start to lengthen again, I breathe a sigh of relief because I know that spring is

on it's way back, lol. I complain it's dark now but in another month it will be dismal, I don't mind the snow because

it brightens things up and reflects the sun but really hate days like these.It was wild here too and would have blown

me off my feet if I attempted to go out! 

 

I have a light box too Rhi and don't think I would get through the winter without it. Actually have 2 now because I bought

a new lightweight one, and a dawn simulator clock. You are right though, it just isn't the same as sunlight. I'm so glad we

went away on holiday because I feel that the week of sunshine has been really good for me. 

[Nikki]

MamaP do you sit under the light?  Or can you use it to read under?  I am originally from New York City and by the end of January I took a warm weather vacation.

 

It is the opposite now.....I would love the escape the heat and humidity and go to a cold climate.

 

I wonder if it would help when Christmas rolls around to put white lights around the house.  It has warm cozy feeling and can actually be very soothing.  Mornings are hard for alot of people....and people who are not tapering meds too.

[mammaP]

Hi Nikki, I don't celebrate Christmas but do like the white lights. I don't have any fancy ones but maybe when my mojo

is back in full swing I will be able to 'dress' the house with some pretty lights, I quite fancy that idea, but hadn't thought of it

so thanks for the suggestion  . I have white light bulbs everywhere, I hate those low energy ones that take an age to warm

up and are so dull they actually hurt your eyes trying to focus. I bought some quite expensive daylight ones and have those

everywhere. They are on all the time in winter, all over the house, I switch them all on in the morning and off when I go to bed.

Most people switch their lights off all the time, because of bills but I need the light, I really do.  

 

I have a light box in my bedroom and put it on for half an hour before I get up, and another on my craft table behind the sewing

machine.Haven't done much sewing though so don't switch that one on much. This place was built in 1655 and faces North East 

so doesn't get much light, even in the huge 18ft wide bay windows because they are Georgian panes. Beautiful building and lovely

apartment but very dark. 

 

Today I am going to sew some cushions (pillows) for my son's girlfriend, she couldn't find what she wanted so he volunteered my 

services! 

[mammaP]

Had quite a bad day today, could barely move for pain so decided to get a hot bath with lavender and epsom salts hoping it would help me sleep. It helped a great deal.......woke up and the water was freezing, lol. Now the pain is eased but wide awake! 

My own fault for eating biscuits and shifting my bed around   One day I will learn that 1..biscuits are NOT good for me, 2..I am NOT up to shifting furniture! 

[mammaP]

Feeling thoroughly miserable today and my hips are so painful. One keeps giving way and collapsing. 

Really really don't want another replacement and hopefully will settle if I rest up. Grandma Grumpypants is my name today! 

 

But there is something to smile about, my daughter has just invited me out for dinner with the family  .

I am being picked up in 2 hours so will get to work with the polyfilla to fill the cracks and try to look presentable  .

[alex]

Hello mammap; despite your suffering you still have a good sense of humor.That is very good! Congratulations.

 

Hang in there, and you'll see better days.

 

Healing vibes from CR all the way to Scotland.

[Nikki]

Your building is historical and it must be beautiful:)  The epsom salt bath with lavender sounds very soothing.  Maybe you should do it again for your hips.

 

Mama when I taper I do get migratory aches and pains.  It shuffles around and then eventually goes away.  I found a nice warm comforter to help.  Along with sleep.  We need sleep no matter what.  Tapering or not tapering or even if we never touched a drug.

 

Keep the lights on if it is dark....light is a good thing.

[tezza]

Hugs to you, mammaP, I hope you feel better, right away!

[Petunia]

I hope you had a lovely time out with your family MammaP, and feel a lot better.

[mammaP]

Thanks everyone, I had a lovely time and we had some fun. We went for a meal, nowhere posh just a local 

cafe where we could relax and not worry about the baby disturbing anyone. My daughter, grandaughters,

their spouses and great grandaughter. It was really good, we haven't done that for such a long time. 

 

I am still in a lot of pain and not sleeping, think the weather isn't helping any. Feel very tired and depressed 

yesterday and today, like tears are there just ready to erupt. This is withdrawal, + winter, but it will pass. 

[mammaP]

`Feeling ill again, everywhere aches and am exhausted. It's hard to read and light hurts my head.

Arthritis has flared up and I  think I've overdone the magnesium too, loose bowels and stomach cramps

so will cut it back a bit.

Regarding withdrawal, I actually feel calmer since dropping to 3 beads.It's quite strange really, it's a

calmness I'm not used to feeling, maybe that's the magnesium? I like it and just wish I didn't feel so 

physically sick.  Not moaning about it though, just logging it. I am still much better off than a lot of the

members here. It's awful the suffering those drugs cause so many people and I wish every single one

to find some way of getting through.

[alex]

Regarding withdrawal, I actually feel calmer since dropping to 3 beads.It's quite strange really, it's a

calmness I'm not used to feeling, maybe that's the magnesium?

 Or maybe you are healing....

[mammaP]

Thanks Alex, didn't think of that! 

 

The inner calm is still there but I'm feeling quite anxious at the same time, it's different though.

That makes no sense to be anxious but calm, it's new to me! I am anxious about things that need doing,

the lady wo comes to help with the house is due in 30 minutes and I am feeling panicky because I'm not

dressed and the house is a mess. I had a new lamp delivered yesterday and there is packaging everywhere,

polystyrene chips all over the floor and dishes in the sink. It's stupid because that is why she is coming!

But I don't feel that sense of wanting to scream or the tight knot in my stomach. 

 

Another thing is the suicidal thoughts.......they have gone! Even when I was feeling better, those thoughts crept in

every morning and lasted until I was up and moving around. I didn't dwell on them but they were there. But now they

aren't and it is odd remembering them and that feeling. 

 

I still feel quite down too, the SAD part is still here and probably will be all winter but I will ride it. 

Better go, my lady is early 

[alex]

mammaP, I think you are DEFINITELY getting better....!

 

The awful acute symptoms are fading away.

 

That's the way it is happening to me too.

 

I am glad.

 

Hugs, A.

[mammaP]

I feel exhausted again today, nauseous and light headed. My first thought was withdrawal

and it probably is to a degree then realised that stress last night probably triggered it. 

It was midnight when my grandson called, very upset and angry. Then mum called, upset

and crying, then younger grandson turned up to stay over here. More calls and calming

everyone down, everyone angry at everyone else. It was 2.15 before everyone was calm and 

settled down for the night. Dad turned off his his phone and carried on with his evening out

oblivious! 

 

Grandma is now very tired, and waiting for 1  teenager to ask to move in, which was hinted at

last night.  Not sure how I would handle that one! 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi mammaP,

 

Having a grandson moving in might be stressful, I am sure you will be able to navigate through this. You have been such a rock for me, I wish I could say or do something helpful but I can't find any words inside me right now so I'll just send {{hugs}}.

[mammaP]

A hug is good CW, thank you, just what was needed.  

I still have grandson here, he'll be going home tomorrow I think. Mum asked if he can stay

tonight. I'll put him in the kitchen to cook dinner, he likes cooking. 

[mammaP]

My grandson is away to his dads for now. I feel so so sorry for him, he is so sad and unhappy.

He confided in me and told me what is making him unhappy. He is involved with social work

and has to see his social worker today. I told him to be honest with her, I just hope and pray

that if  he is honest, she will give him the help he needs. He needs someone to fight his corner,

he's just a child. He may be 6ft tall and a rugby player but he is still a child inside. 

 

For me it is a good day, I was up and showered by 9am. Cleaned the kitchen and swept the floor

( after said grandson cooked dinner last night  ) . And it isn't even lunchtime yet! 

[mammaP]

My grandson took my advice, talked to the social worker and Dad and moved into Dad's last night.

He is there permanently now and will hopefully settle down.

This morning my son called by and didn't look well. He had a brain haemorrage 10 years ago and

had brain surgery for a ruptured aneurysm. Today he had tingling down one arm and weakness

in his hand. His face on that side was numb. He went to the doctor straight away and was given aspirin

for a suspected TIA .

He refused to go to ER because his son only moved in last night. The doc called neuro and he is getting

in for a brain scan in the next couple of days. 

 

We nearly lost him with the aneurysm and I am so worried. I just hope they get him in quick for that scan.

I'll be going to stay at his house with my grandson if he has to go into hospital.  I MUST STAY CALM! 

[tezza]

I'm so sorry to hear your son is not well! I can understand your concern, I would be the same, I'm sure.

 

I will say a prayer for you and him.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP,

 

sending prayers to you and your son and lots of love and hugs. You are strong and will handle anything that happens, I believe in you!

[alex]

My spirit is with you mammaP

 

Trust the big capacity of the body to heal itself.

 

Wishing you and your love ones good luck.A.

[mammaP]

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. My son is going to the hospital today for a neuro appointment.

I am going to stay with my grandson shortly for however long dad is away. It could be just hours but could

be transferred to a hospital 200 miles away which treated his aneurysm. 

 

Sorry I haven't been in much, I can't concentrate and my brain isn't registering what I'm reading right now.

I think he will be fine, he feels much better now, fresh as a daisy he said and feels a bit embarrassed going

to the hospital but I can't help worrying. His last scan showed a new aneurysm but too tiny to cause problems

or treat. Hopefully it will still be tiny! 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

That is cautious good news, mammaP. I hope everything turns out well and we will be here for you!

[mammaP]

My son saw the neuro surgeon and had an MRI scan yesterday. Doctor said she was very concerned

about the coild he had inserted into his aneurysm 10 years ago, and the small aneurysm that had started 

next to it. She said that if the scan showed anything untoward in that area she would call him today and admit

him to the hospital. Otherwise she will send an appointment for tests because it looks like  a mini stroke. He's

been put on clot busting drugs  and will have to make some lifestyle changes.  She didn't call today so that is a 

huge relief!  He's quite upbeat tonight, he isn't in immediate danger and is alive, so he's already working out

what he can do to improve things. 

 

I am exhausted! I need some sleep, lovely peaceful sleep. My neighbours were fighting again last night until 2am

when the police came and took one of them away! 

In spite of it all I haven't been hit by the terrible withdrawal symptoms yet, only mild ones I can cope with. That is REALLY

great, it means I really am getting better 

[tezza]

Thank you for updating on your son, I'm glad he's not in immediate danger and has a plan in mind!

 

So good to hear you're getting better, too!

[Nikki]

MamaP....so sorry about your son.  It is very scary for both of you to walk thru this. I will keep you and he in my prayers and try to check in on you daily.  Lots of people have mini strokes and don't even know it.  Getting him into the doctor's asap was good.

 

Thank goodness he is under medical supervision.  Lots and lots of hugs from across the Atlantic for you:)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Sounds like some mostly positive news mammaP, your son seems to be in good hands. I do hope you can get some sleep too, you've been through a lot in the past several days.

 

Big hugs!

[mammaP]

Thank you ladies, it is now 11,45pm and I am going to bed, the wind is howling outside 

but my electric blanket is on so my bed is warm and cozy. I'll take a cup of camomlle tea 

and listen to some ocean sounds. Goodnight my cyber friends. Thank you for being you. XXX