☼ angie007's story

[compsports]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and tips to get through this part,

its a beast isnt it.

 

I went out yesterday with a friend and drove 32 mile to another town and had a day just strolling around shopping, and felt better after a while,although when we stopped for lunch

i could feel the crazy crap brewing back up - but i made it and managed to push those thoughts aside, and actually managed to have a laugh of sorts coming home, something i hadn't done in a while.

 

Today, the crap is back, had a stroll round the car boot, not easy when your fighting the thoughts, but i did it.

When i got home, i found an email from a friend who used to visit the other site , she wrote and told me this!!!!!

And im going to run this past you guys for reassurance.

 

She got off paxil 2 weeks before me, so she is now 14 wks free.

She asked me a question a couple of days ago, as in "what would make me happy???

So I replied and said, " to be through with all this paxil/wd stuff and be able to live a life free of symptoms, as i was prior to my use.

 

She wrote me back saying, that if i cant accept what symptoms i have now and get on with my life i will never be happy.

In other words, if this is as good as it gets, then i should be happy and accept that.

And that i am my own worst enemy for expecting more!!!!

 

So what is so wrong?????

Is she right??? should we all just accept that this is how we are and be happy and move on???

Or is it right that we all here are unhappy with having to live with this crap through no fault of our own???

 

Hi Angie,

 

As an FYI, I am struggling with similar issues big time.

 

To answer your question, our feelings are perfectly normal and we have every right to want the WD symptoms gone. For example, I get tired of waking up with brain fog even when I got adequate sleep.

 

It also gets tiring fighting these symptoms and having to deal with them.

 

But having said that, I also realize that life is not going to pause so we can feel 100%. For example, one of my goals is to think of my interests and what I can to do fullfill them. I just emailed someone I hadn't spoken to in years regarding one of them since I felt this person could help me even though I was nervous as heck about doing it.

 

By the way, just so folks understand, I realize that some days, due to symptoms, you can barely get out of bed. So any time of planning is hard.

 

But Angie, it sounds like you're in a situation similar to mine. We can get out but we feel like cr-ap.

 

Anyway, gotta run but I hope this helps.

 

CS

[compsports]

Sorry Angie, one more thing.

 

Last week, I got the best quality sleep I had gotten in months. I am like so this is what it is like to live a normal life.

 

Unfortunately, that moment was fleeting as my sleep quality continues to be lousy and I started becoming very unhappy. But I realized that for me, I need to deal with "what is" and do what I can to have a productive life.

 

Easier said than done big time.

 

CS

[Baxter]

Hey, Angie and CS,

 

Living int the moment sounds great but when I am having a long string of bad ones, it is fiddicult to embrace that philosophy with a lot of enthusiasm. I have no advice, but I really, really feel you.

[angie007]

Well all i can say is this;-

 

Yes hard as it is, i do try to live some form of a life, but i sometimes wonder when i hear things like this,

i wonder if she had had symptoms for as long as some of us here have, then maybe her attitude may be a bit diffrent,

because i wouldn't be happy to think that " this is as good as it gets" and i make no apologies for thinking that way.

 

If id only had symptoms for 14 weeks, then maybe i could think the same way as her, i admire her for thinking that way though

and im sorry that i cant see it the same way, but the ultimate was when she says, that there are plenty of people who would love to live

the way we have to, then that was enough, because i know of no one who would willingly trade places with any of us!!!!!!

[Phil]

Maybe that's just her way of dealing with her own withdrawal...everyones different I suppose in how they deal with it.

 

For me, I never give up on the idea of being fully healed, but I know that right now I have to do whatever I can and accept some of the crap I have no control over.

[angie007]

I know and your right, i think most of us are trying hard to do that phil, and some days

are easier than others i guess. Time for some easier days for us all i think!!!!!!

[Altostrata]

angie, it comes down to this:

 

Do the best you can not to let your symptoms rule your life.

 

If that means pushing them back a fraction of an inch for 2 minutes, that's the best you can do. Every minute you can give your nervous system a break is a minute it can use to heal itself.

 

Do not add to your troubles by worrying about doing anything perfectly, even managing your symptoms. Do not worry about how long it will take to recover. Just do what you can do right now.

 

Our symptoms are often so disturbing, going on and pretending they don't exist doesn't make any sense.

 

On this site, we are not going to criticize people who speak of their suffering. That only makes people feel worse. Each person chooses their own ways to cope, whatever suits them best.

 

You have been doing brilliantly coping with your symptoms, and you'll get better and better at it -- your symptoms will also get better and better.

 

If sometimes you or anyone despairs, that's only natural. We're here to help each other through those times.

[Nadia]

Angie... I think you've identified what for me is the hardest problem of all. Not only are we dealing with symptoms, but there is the whole thought process surrounding them, particularly the fear of never getting better. There are so many layers to it. It's easy to say "just be in the moment", but like Baxter says, when you have moment after moment after moment of bad, it becomes necessary to hope for a different future. For me, at least, there is also the fear of what happens when the withdrawal stuff ends (I have to believe it will end someday or why live?) and then there is just me, with my original problems of depression. I really admire all you guys who have been dealing with this for years. It's only been months for me and I can't even think of it lasting much longer. I tell myself that somehow I'll be the exception, that I'm going to get better faster... maybe I need this denial to survive while I work on my acceptance. Ha ha... the whole thought process gets pretty complicated.

 

In any case, I think there is a difference between accepting what you are going through and being satisfied or happy with it. I think Elliotsmum's acupuncturist had a really good way of putting an attitude that could be helpful... he/she said it in relation to E's anxiety, but I think it could work for other stuff. It was observing the negative emotion, symptom, etc., acknowledging its presence, and then just saying "I have no use for you." For me it feels a lot like trying to play reverse psychology with a misbehaving pet. If you ignore it, it can get worse, but if you engage it, it can get worse. It's maddening trying to find this middle point of saying, "I hear you and I don't like that you are here, but I accept you might be around for a while and I'm just going to have to deal with it." And then getting busy with doing whatever we need to do to keep healthy.

[Altostrata]

All good points, Nadia.

 

I like telling symptoms "I have no use for you" also.

 

You and Angie may well recover in a matter of months rather than years. There's no way to predict recovery for any individual. Most people recover sooner rather than later.

 

We're not used to living with uncertainty like this. We like to think we can push things along, or we can go to an expert and get fixed. This situation requires developing an attitude of acceptance and self-reliance, which can be difficult.

[compsports]

Hey, Angie and CS,

 

Living int the moment sounds great but when I am having a long string of bad ones, it is fiddicult to embrace that philosophy with a lot of enthusiasm. I have no advice, but I really, really feel you.

 

Totally agree Baxter. When I was ready to scream due to feeling overloaded sensory wise and not being able to find something in the store that was right in front of me, I asked myself what that advice was that I provided on this forum.

 

It is also hard to embrace when I was so bleeping tired, I couldn't go to a nearby store I needed something from and had to come home to take a break.

 

I guess I don't have alot of enthusiasm for what I advised. I see it more as a situation of not having any choice. Hopefully, I will eventually feel more positive.

 

I am sorry you're having a tough time.

 

CS

[angie007]

Hi GUys,

 

Well today has been a bit better day THank You God, almost afraid to tell you all, for fear of it all falling part again.

Had my daughter with her 2 boys and the baby here for lunch and ended up hoovering through yet again lol.

 

But my back pain aghhhhhh, its in my lower back and right hip, it is absolute hell, cant lift, bend

or even turn over in bed at night without yelping, and paracetemol only takes the edge off.

Anyone else here get the back pain in wd?? anyone found ways to relieve it??

Someone mentioned arnica gel suposed to be good, anyone have any good results with this??

[angie007]

Forgot to tell you all, but i had the back pain start in 05 after my first ct off,

but since doing the slow taper and since off the pain has gotten so much worse,

hence i believe there is a connection to paxil wd here? My doc disagrees lol, and diagnosed

muscle tension firstly, then later says its a pulled ligament, which ni dont think it is.

[Phil]

Hey Angie, glad u had a better day

 

I've spoken to someone who cold-turkeyed lexapro and they had back pain as a withdrawal symptom, so I do think it is connected.

I've had pain in my lower back myself when I cold-turkeyed ssris years ago. I remember seeing my doctor who said I should be fine as I had a "strong" back. I was only 18 at the time, shouldnt have been having back pain that young.

 

Have u tried ibuprofen? Ive found it better for pain than paracetamol, although u have to be careful not to rely on it as it can be bad for the stomach.

[Altostrata]

I do exercises (Pilates) for lower back pain, and get acupuncture and chiropractic about twice a year.

 

Lower back pain is a very common problem for everyone. Highly recommend physical therapy, you might be able to correct it, rather than relying on painkillers.

[summer]

 

When I was ready to scream due to feeling overloaded sensory wise and not being able to find something in the store that was right in front of me, I asked myself what that advice was that I provided on this forum.

 

It is also hard to embrace when I was so bleeping tired, I couldn't go to a nearby store I needed something from and had to come home to take a break.

 

 

 

Please... I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way. However, I want to toss this in the ring. Keep in mind that it is only my 2 cents.

 

There have been many times that something in the store was right in front of me and I couldn't find it. There have been times that I've run all over the house looking for my glasses, only to find they were on my face! There have been times that I felt so damn tired that I couldn't run one more errand. There have been times that my attention span was so short, I thought something was wrong with me. There have been times that getting out of bed in the morning felt like it was climbing a mountain. There have been times that brushing my teeth seemed like such a big deal that I didn't know if I could handle it. There have been times that I couldn't remember how to do something I've done hundreds of times before. There have been times that something that should have been so easy seemed insurmountable.

 

I have days that I've felt sad, anxious, depressed, cried all day, etc. That doesn't necessarily mean that any of these things were happening because I was in withdrawal. Yes, withdrawal might have been in the mix, I get that... but not everything we feel or deal with is totally withdrawal. I have found that for me, to focus on that everything I feel or think is withdrawal, makes whatever I'm dealing with that much worse. An example would be... I thought for the past several years that my low/no motivation was due to ADs/WD. While some of it might very well have been... much more was because I had severe sleep apnea and had not a clue about it or even what it was. (Yes, I'm beginning to feel better and my headaches are about half of what they used to be). Not every single thing we think or feel or do falls under the AD/WD blanket.

 

I truly hope no one gets angry at me. If you want me to not post any longer, I'll respect that. I just couldn't keep this to myself any longer.

[compsports]

 

 

When I was ready to scream due to feeling overloaded sensory wise and not being able to find something in the store that was right in front of me, I asked myself what that advice was that I provided on this forum.

 

It is also hard to embrace when I was so bleeping tired, I couldn't go to a nearby store I needed something from and had to come home to take a break.

 

 

 

Please... I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way. However, I want to toss this in the ring. Keep in mind that it is only my 2 cents.

 

There have been many times that something in the store was right in front of me and I couldn't find it. There have been times that I've run all over the house looking for my glasses, only to find they were on my face! There have been times that I felt so damn tired that I couldn't run one more errand. There have been times that my attention span was so short, I thought something was wrong with me. There have been times that getting out of bed in the morning felt like it was climbing a mountain. There have been times that brushing my teeth seemed like such a big deal that I didn't know if I could handle it. There have been times that I couldn't remember how to do something I've done hundreds of times before. There have been times that something that should have been so easy seemed insurmountable.

 

I have days that I've felt sad, anxious, depressed, cried all day, etc. That doesn't necessarily mean that any of these things were happening because I was in withdrawal. Yes, withdrawal might have been in the mix, I get that... but not everything we feel or deal with is totally withdrawal. I have found that for me, to focus on that everything I feel or think is withdrawal, makes whatever I'm dealing with that much worse. An example would be... I thought for the past several years that my low/no motivation was due to ADs/WD. While some of it might very well have been... much more was because I had severe sleep apnea and had not a clue about it or even what it was. (Yes, I'm beginning to feel better and my headaches are about half of what they used to be). Not every single thing we think or feel or do falls under the AD/WD blanket.

 

I truly hope no one gets angry at me. If you want me to not post any longer, I'll respect that. I just couldn't keep this to myself any longer.

 

Hi Summer,

 

Of course, we don't want you to stop posting.

 

I guess I am just perplexed by your post because I don't think in my various messages I have suggested that everything can be blamed on withdrawal. For example, when I discussed my insomnia issue, I wondered if having allergies was also contributing to the problem.

 

On the other forum, I discussed having depression that definitely wasn't related to withdrawal.

 

I do feel what I experienced in the grocery store was a WD issue.

 

CS

 

PS - Angie, my apologies for hijacking your thread. Now that I have eaten breakfast, I realize I should have PM'd Summer instead of posting here.

[angie007]

NO Problems Cs lol, i too couldnt understand Summers post either,

unless it was in resonse to my back pain, which i am certain is down to paxil wd ,

i dont know and of course Summer should keep posting here.

 

The advice she gives is good, as we know everyone has bad days wether paxil is an issue or not,

and most definately some things are just NOT paxil related at all, although most here tend to be,

we all seem to follow the same trend lol.

[angie007]

Hi Guys,

 

I as thinking after i wrote about my lower back pain, i also have a gall stone, which was diagnosed but not removed as yet, some years ago, probably around the same time as the back pain started, im beginning to wonder now, is back pain a symptom of gallstones i wonder????

Anyone know?????

[angie007]

All good points, Nadia.

 

I like telling symptoms "I have no use for you" also.

 

You and Angie may well recover in a matter of months rather than years. There's no way to predict recovery for any individual. Most people recover sooner rather than later.

 

We're not used to living with uncertainty like this. We like to think we can push things along, or we can go to an expert and get fixed. This situation requires developing an attitude of acceptance and self-reliance, which can be difficult.

 

And can this quicker recovery happen in people who slow tapered t6hat have used the drug long term does anyone know???????

[Maybe]

Yes, it can. I have read about people who were on the drugs for years, tapered slowly and had no wd symptoms or recovered quite fast. No one can tell, everything is possible.

[Altostrata]

Yeah, angie, if I could tell the future, I'd make millions in the stock market! I'd open the recovery spa of our dreams, invite everyone to it, and tell them when they'd recover.

 

Sigh.

 

summer, your points all well-taken. Of course you are welcome to contribute your $.02!

 

But -- there are people here who are suffering extraordinary mind fog and sensitivity to all kinds of stimulation, which can be attributed to withdrawal syndrome. You may not have personally experienced this.

 

And as each weird symptom emerges, I am sure each person constantly asks him- or herself "Is this from withdrawal?"

 

It's difficult even face-to-face for each of us to describe exactly what's going on in our nervous systems. That's the problem with symptoms being subjective.

 

So I take each person's reports on-line at face value.

 

The thing is, whether you attribute a symptom to withdrawal or not, coping with it is the same. Stay calm, be realistic, do what you can to take care of yourself.

[angie007]

And thats the thing Alto, each new symptom that hits, we all constantly wonder is this wd or not???

This is where we get reassurance and learn the skills to deal with each and every new weird thing we experience,

but Summer does have a point?? not everything we encounter is down to wd, all the more reason to ask and get

the reassurance we need to get by.

 

Alto??? i really wish you did know my friend, you would be rich overnight hahahahahah.

[angie007]

My word, yet another rotten lousy day for me, what the hell did i do to deserve this crap,

woke up early this morning, not feeling right, weird head and some low level mental stuff,

laid back in my bed still not feeling well, and got up a couple of hours later, still feeling unwell.

felt sick all day, various aches and pains, no appetite, teary, in fact i probably felt more unwell than

i have in a very long time, does anyone know if this is wd related or some stomach bug/virus,jst scared to

assume its all wd related i guess.

[Claudius]

Angie I know this is sooo frustrating!

I had my fist window now more than 2 years ago, after about 19 months excruciating WD. And it felt sooo great, I immediately started a work-related study and my congintive power was almost back to 100%.

And that was 2 years ago! Nasty waves did come back however and now at almost 4 years I still feel pretty much crap and way worse than during my first window.

Sometimes I doubt whether this can still be WD but I know I had none of these symptoms before starting PAxil in 2002.

The only thing is that I know that still something is happening inside and that there is still s change we will get our bodies, minds and lifes back. So hang on and dream of that beautiful spa...

[summer]

The thing is, whether you attribute a symptom to withdrawal or not, coping with it is the same. Stay calm, be realistic, do what you can to take care of yourself.

 

I think this should be a sticky! Wait a minute... do we have those?? I may be on the wrong site.

[angie007]

What a day its been here, woke earlyish with the jitters and feeling like i wasnt breathing properly, think i was breathing too fast, this triggered the anxiety, the doom, the shakes,

had me taking my bp which was normal, then the weird head kicked in, the thought thing, the intense crying, its been yucky.

 

I finally managed to get out of the house after spending all morning sat on my bed with the laptop and fone, about 12pm, but been pretty much the same all day,

with some gradual lessening of symptoms at stages, but the adrenalin surges have been rotten here and there.

Need a hand to hold and some reassurance guys, this is harder than i thought for slow tapering.

[angie007]

Its the low, low mood, cant be bothered or interested in anything much on bad days, and the weird heads and thoughts that bother me,

along with the nerve jangly feeling throughout my body that give me the jitters and the shakes, this is just not normal at all - or

to be feeling unwell for so long, please !! someone tell me this ends at some stage.

[summer]

What a day its been here, woke earlyish with the jitters and feeling like i wasnt breathing properly, think i was breathing too fast,

 

Angie... just a thought... have you ever been checked for sleep apnea? If you feel that's TMI, no need to answer.

[angie007]

I really do not think that i have sleep apnoe, please correct me if im wrong, but i do not snore, have no issues right now with sleeping, do not suffer daytime fatigue , do not wake with sore throat, and do not suffer with blood pressure issues.

 

I really think that most of my symptoms are down to cns probs and maybe fibromyalgia issues caused by paxil, and of course the dreaded anxiety /panic that most of us go through in wd - but if others feel that there is any reason that sleep apnoe is a possibility then of course id like to hear from you and would definately get checked out.

[summer]

I just mentioned it b/c you said something about breathing issues in a previous post. Glad it isn't a prob for you.

[angie007]

HI Summer,

Thanxs for your reply, i think the breathing isues ie, fast breathing is my way of trying to explain hyerventilation my friend, seems like it may have been a panic or anxiety attack.

[Altostrata]

ang, dear, when you get these feelings, try not to feel despair or resentment. As you can see, it makes you worse.

 

I know it seems unfair after your slow tapering. It's the luck of the draw, you came up with a bad card. Some people have a terrible time putting Paxil behind them.

 

Do your best to distract yourself when you have a surge. Go for a walk, we all need to do more of that.

 

(Could you put your withdrawal history in your signature? Instructions here. Thanks.)

[lupe]

I have found breathing to be an issue also. I realize that sometimes I am not breathing.... then I have to think about breathing.... something my body should do automatically! it's weird! I try to do deep breathing but am not good at it yet and sometimes it feels like I am hyperventilating. I am being tested for sleep apnea but doubt I have it because I don't snore either but I guess there is a neurological type that does not involve snoring.

Distractions are the thing that seems to be getting me through this. I must get busy doing something, anything to get my mind off what is going on in my head and with my body. A walk or some house chore or hobby, petting my dogs, talking on the phone, reading a book or magazine, visiting a friend or family member.... just something other than sitting and thinking or feeling.

[angie007]

So here we are, its 3 weeks till the second one of my daughters gets married, and last night was the traditional " hen night", as i was babysitting her young daughter, my youngest grandchild. I was asked to attend at her friends house for " a cuppa tea" before they all went out for the evening, which i did, but i only lasted about 45 mins. All the people there i knew, including the grooms mother, and many of my daughters friends i had known for some considerable time.

So i arrived there and was made exceptionally welcome, and got my cuppa, and was sat talking to my daughters soon to be MIL, when i have this weird feeling come over me, i was shaky, jittery and very nervous, and felt like i just wanted to run, which made me feel very teary, i managed to hold all of this in, and pray to GOD, that i came across as " normal" in front of everyone else.

 

I could feel the low level anxiety/panic starting to build, so as id agreed with my husband that i would pick a meal up on my way back, i made my excuses to leave.

As soon as i hit the car, i broke down, everyone there was happy, excited about the forth coming wedding and enjoying themselves, the fact that i was the only one NOT drinking didnt bother me at all, but to be amongst all these people who are "normal" and enjoying there lives and happy, made me realise just how far away

from normality i really am, mentally and physically - this just breaks my heart.

 

Its soul destroying and dehumanizing that we cannot partake in the simplest of things, without having to drag this ball and chain around with us, that is wd and symptoms. How can we feel part of the human race when we cannot participate properly, and i WAS always a very social person - not anymore it seems!!!!!

[Phil]

Hi Angie,

 

So sorry for what you experienced. I can really relate to it I'm sad to say. It's so horrible and saddening when you can no longer be "connected" with the people around you, and all the weird anxiety comes in.

I remember, when I last came off meds, I could not be around family who I used to love being around only a few years before. I could talk to them and stuff but became anxious very easily.

 

Just a thought - could the cuppa have made you anxious? I know that when I have even one cup of tea it can be stimulating, so I try avoid caffeine.

 

The only thing I can say Angie is do not give in to the withdrawal, keep being around people if you can, and one day it will get easier and you will start enjoying it again.

After my last CT withdrawal I did start enjoying company again eventually. You will too.

 

Anyway I totally understand how heartbreaking it is.

[tramond]

Hoi Angie! It Makes me so horrible sad to read your experiences, and the way you feel! It is absolutely the Same Howe I feel every Single Day and Night! With nö relief or some hours of Reality !sending you lovely Greets and cuddles! Tramond