Elsie Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Hi, I was on lots of different cocktails for medications for 13 years ( anti depressants, mood stabilizers, anti psychotics, benzos etc) and my main diagnosis was schizophrenia. I came off it all 19 months ago. And havnt had any medication since. The symptoms of schizophrenia have gone away. And suicide attempts have stopped. But Im having an awful time with depression, anxiety, panic, and I get really scared. Sometimes I feel like screaming!!! I have partial seizures, my wrists are too floppy ( have to wear wrist supports, I shake heaps more if i dont wear them) sometimes it feels like the front part of my brain isnt there. I shake alot have brain shakes, eye shakes, my spine shakes too. And other stuff. The psychiatrist wont tell me what is going on. They say I have borderline personality disorder. I keep falling, but then I get myself up again. Then I fall and then I get myself up again. Its getting harder and harder. I feel that the psychiatrist isnt been completly honest with me. So I dont think I want to keep seeing him. I have a good psychologist and someone who helps me with stuff from another place that helps people get better. But still, I really dont know what is happening. All these symptoms plus the million of other things that I have to deal with, they cant ALL be symptoms of borderline personality disorder!!!! My brain keeps doing this wierd thing too. I was prescribed valium, but Im not going to take it. Im not even going to fill the script. What is going on????? At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted May 26, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 26, 2014 Hi Elsie, Welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry you have gone through such a terrible experience, no one should have to go through what you have dealt with. When you had an adverse reaction to Luvox, you shouldn't have been given more drugs and another diagnosis, but unfortunately, that happens a lot. I'm so glad that you survived, are no longer suicidal and are in a better situation. Are you still seeing the same psychiatrist who put you on all those drugs? Why did your doctor put you on Luvox when you were 17? If you could list the drugs you were taking, the dose and how long you took them for, that would give us a better idea of what may be going on. But at 19 months out, its probably too late to reinstate and taper properly. A lot of the symptoms you are describing sound like they could be protracted withdrawal related from coming off medications too fast. How did you stop taking the drugs you were on? Do you notice any pattern in your symptoms, like do they get worse at certain times of the day, or do they improve for a few days or weeks and then get bad again? Would you say you are doing better now than you were 19 months ago? I'm sure you will continue to recover, it sounds like you have some good things in your life. When we know a little more about your situation we will be able to offer some suggestions. Hang in there Elsie, you will find a lot of help and support here. Petu. I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 When I was 17 my mother sent me to a child psychiatrist because she said I was nasty. I was really sad because I really wanted a mum, and my mother was horrible to me. I only saw him for a tiny bit he basically sent me straight to the psych ward where i saw a different psychiatrist he had told her he thought i was developing early psychosis. I think he is dead now. Ive read a bit about protracted withdrawal and told the psychiatrist i have been seeing but he said I have emotionally unstable personality disorder (Bpd) and that my psysical symptoms are caused by panic attacks. In August 2012 I had just gone off 1000 mg or 1200 mg of seroquel, 160 mg or 180 mg zeldox, 1000 mg sodium valporate, 80 mg prozac, at least 25 mg of valium a day. I did that all in only a few weeks. Was put on clonazepam because I went 3 full days with no sleep. Then major suicide attempt. Put on morphine, court ordered on anti psychotics ( zyprexa, then abilify i think) and not sure which anti depressant, and I was on clonazepam still, then changed to different pain killer. Moved to psych ward, moved to different psych unit, started flushing all pills except for clonazepam down the toilet. I told them, got kicked out. then I Moved to a caravan park and stopped taking clonazepam cold turkey. I have a diary with dates I have to find it. I wrote some symptoms in it. I had really bad seizures for the first few days then they gota bit better then they stopped. the first few days really bad hallucinations, they had stopped after a few weeks. Started getting hearing problems, hyperventalating, clumsy, speeding, not sleeping, feeling like on a boat, flashing lights, short term memory problems. Ill try find my diary. It wasnt so bad becuase there was an older lady at the caravan park who was helping me. Then we both got kicked out of the caravan park and bashed up by the managers.after about 8 months of been there. Everything got heaps worse for a bit and I started shaking heaps, panicking heaps,heart speeding heaps,tight chest, then I moved to a tent in september,the lady didnt want to help me any more and everything got heaps worst and started having to wear wrist supports and things are getting worse and worse. But a few days ago I started to get a bit better. I dont feel I have enough support. I see a good psychologist and another person who helps me. But I dont have supportive family, Im not in contact with my mother. I dont have many friends and I hardly ever asee the ones I have and dont have much contact with them. Night time is usually worse than the day time. the last bad period was much worse and longer than any I have had berore. It lasted a few months. But a few days ago I got a bit better. The person who was helping me doesnt want to be my friend any more. And thats made it so much worse. She was my support person. She stopped talking to me a few months ago. I feel things are way too real, I am too alert, my brain is wierd. I feel up until a few days ago it was getting worse and worse and worse. Im not sure what to do!!! Ill go and try find my diary At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 I couldnt finish writing, my eyes are really sore and started feeling like im swaying I have to have a break, Ill finish writing it tomorrow,( its night time in Tassie!) At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
WinningThrough Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 My heart goes out to you Elsie. I am not experienced and don't know what to advise but I just wanted to send you love and thoughts. The only way out is through. Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014 29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever 29 June 2014 - med free Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 thanks Winning Through At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 and thanks Petu At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Rhiannon Posted May 26, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 26, 2014 Elsie, the symptoms you're describing don't sound much like borderline personality disorder to me. I don't know you well enough to say if there's anything else going on, but certainly with your drug history, drug effects and withdrawal effects would be enough to explain what you're experiencing now. I would highly recommend you get a copy of Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. That will fill in the background about psychiatric drugs and their history (and why psychiatrists don't really know how harmful the drugs are) much better than I can here, and I think you'll find that very helpful. You were on a complex mix of drugs starting at a young age, and it sounds like you quit them all without tapering, so I would expect that you will be experiencing some withdrawal effects for a few years yet. We have quite a few people here who are dealing with long-term after-effects of psych drug use and withdrawal. Generally the pattern is sort of a roller coaster recovery process (we call it "windows and waves") with overall gradual improvement (with lots of discouraging downs and ups and downs) and then finally, eventually, significant improvement. The process can take quite a few years. I'd suggest that you read the Whitaker book and read over our Symptoms and Self Care section. Read the stuff "pinned" at the top and the links in there. You can also page back and read the various topics. You might also find it interesting to read through some of the Intro threads of other people, to see how similar other peoples' stories are to yours, so you'll know you're not alone. The great thing is that you're young and it's very possible that if you take good care of yourself you will heal and recover considerably, to the point that you'll feel better than you can imagine right now and you'll have plenty of time to have a life you probably haven't even dared to dream of yet. Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010. Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea. Feb 15 2010: 300 mg Neurontin 200 Lamictal 10 Celexa 0.65 Xanax and 5 mg Ambien Feb 10 2014: 62 Lamictal 1.1 Celexa 0.135 Xanax 1.8 Valium Feb 10 2015: 50 Lamictal 0.875 Celexa 0.11 Xanax 1.5 Valium Feb 15 2016: 47.5 Lamictal 0.75 Celexa 0.0875 Xanax 1.42 Valium 2/12/20 12 0.045 0.007 1 May 2021 7 0.01 0.0037 1 Feb 2022 6 0!!! 0.00167 0.98 2.5 mg Ambien Oct 2022 4.5 mg Lamictal (off Celexa, off Xanax) 0.95 Valium Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Rhiannon Posted May 26, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 26, 2014 And this website. http://cepuk.org/ Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010. Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea. Feb 15 2010: 300 mg Neurontin 200 Lamictal 10 Celexa 0.65 Xanax and 5 mg Ambien Feb 10 2014: 62 Lamictal 1.1 Celexa 0.135 Xanax 1.8 Valium Feb 10 2015: 50 Lamictal 0.875 Celexa 0.11 Xanax 1.5 Valium Feb 15 2016: 47.5 Lamictal 0.75 Celexa 0.0875 Xanax 1.42 Valium 2/12/20 12 0.045 0.007 1 May 2021 7 0.01 0.0037 1 Feb 2022 6 0!!! 0.00167 0.98 2.5 mg Ambien Oct 2022 4.5 mg Lamictal (off Celexa, off Xanax) 0.95 Valium Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion. Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted May 26, 2014 Administrator Share Posted May 26, 2014 Welcome, Elsie. Some people are very sensitive to serotonergics and immediately have a very bad reaction to them. This sounds like what happened when you took Luvox. It could be that you continued to have adverse reaction to other psychiatric drugs, too, which your doctors thought were symptoms of psychiatric disorder. This misdiagnosis is fairly common (read Anaatomy of an Epidemic, as Rhi recommended). All of these adverse effects plus going off a drug cocktail too fast may have caused the physical symptoms you have now. You might also look up "pseudo-Parkinsonism," "movement disorder," and "tardive dyskinesia," all of which are iatrogenic (drug-caused) symptoms your psychiatrist should have recognized. These can go away or diminish over time. You need a new doctor. If I were you, I would talk to Dr. Rob Purssey http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/988-recommended-doctors-therapists-or-clinics/?p=47108 if at all possible. This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
WinningThrough Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I've read your signature Elsie. You've been through so much. You sound incredibly strong, I admire you. I'm glad you have your dog, music, trees and pizza. The only way out is through. Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014 29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever 29 June 2014 - med free Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus mammaP Posted May 26, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 26, 2014 Hi Elsie, I just read your story and my heart goes out to you. Being medicated forcibly so young would have been so traumatic. I am really sorry you've had to go through all that and endure the misdiagnoses when all the time you were being made sick with drugs. Are you still living in a tent in the country? To be honest, for me that would be better than being among people who don't believe what you are suffering or have you labelled mentally ill. Think of yourself as a chrysalis, healing and growing, one day that beautiful butterfly will emerge with a life that is free of drugs, and a brain that is healed. I'm also glad that you have your dog, they are a source of unconditional love, and I share your love of trees but have to steer clear of pizza! **I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge. Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem) 1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat 2002 effexor. Tapered March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads. Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013 Restarted taper Nov 2013 OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015 Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014 Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg July 2017 30mg. May 15 2018 25mg Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33 Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 I found some dates that were written down but not many. I started having siezures and bad hallucinations at first and problems working things out. Im not sure when I started acting like I was on speed, but i used to get really upsett sometimes and throw myself on the ground alot. I hyperventalated alot. Im not sure when I started feeling like I was walking on a boat. A few times I think it started in about April last year I could srtaighten my wrists and had to use a splint and bandage to keep the straight, I wasnt wearing wrist supports then. I remember having flashing lights about April but Im not sure when that started. I got punched in the head in late May, and the flashes got alot worse, I have had two lazer surgerys or a detatched retena. In June I started getting really shaking heaps, my throat sometimes felt like it was shaking, and my tummy, and my eyes, and my brain and the top of my spine. In about June (winter) my fingers kept going white and couldnt feel them. In about June or July last year I got Shaky, hot flushes and faint and nearly fell over lots usually in the morning the gp I was seeing then said that I had hyperglycemia. I had heart palpultations and irregular heart beat but the heart palpiltations dont come as much. Im not sure bout irregular heart beat. A few times Ive had really really sore lower tummy. In August hot and dizzy alot, shaking, felt like shaking when not shaking, thumping head aches, August I sometimes got a swollen tounge, hot face, couldnt talk properly, swollen eyes, puffy face, heavy eyes couldnt see properly, itchy face. and stinging under eyes. In October stationary objects looked like they were moving towards me. Shaky eyes, brain, felt lijke brain was frozen sometimes. And my right side stopped working properly, its alot better now but sometimes it stops working properly for a bit.. and I got jerky movements alot that has got alot better. A few times I had really sore lower tummy stabbing pains that nurofen made worse the first time it happened. That started early on and doesnt happen any more. My floppy wrists seem to be getting alot worse. The wrist supports also help because it squashes a vein on the inside of my arm. The vein hurts and hands feel really heavy with out supports unless I have my arms elevated. I have big swollen veins on my thighs and a bit on lower legs. I have knee supports sometimes but it doesnt stop the shaking, the supports on my wrists helps alot with the shaking. And I dont panic as much with the wrist supports on. If I look up for too long with the top bit of my spine bent I start to shake, everything gets too bright, too loud, too real, I everything really hurts, get flemm in my throat, when that happens I have to lie down or sit down with head lowered straight away or I will probably have a panic attack. But I have panic attacks when I get scared of something or when someone upsetts me. Sometimes if I have been really sad about something, I have rang the mental help line, and they have upsett me and it has turned into a huge panic attack. When I panic my brain still shakes, eyes and spine shakes. In March this year I woke up with a fast shaking chest a few times but that when I was really stressed about something. I shake alot of the timwe even when I am calm now. When I started feeling better on I think it was Sunday, I have felt heaps calmer and havnt had that many panic attacks, But I was really sad about something this morning and rang a help line and i got panicky a nurse who used violence on me in the past answered and it upsett me. So I called another help line who I had called earlier who had upsett me when I called them before and they upsett me more and hung up on me. then I called Life line who helped me and I was ok. Ive had alot of problems with help line and mental health places. I have a lot of times called them because I have needed help or been panicking, and ended up with an even worse panic attack, having partial seizures. Sometimes I have panic attacks that last a few hours before I calm down. I have sometimes said really mean stuff to people at mental health places and Ive hung up on them heaps and they have hung up on me heaps. aThey have sometimes said mean stuff too and sometimes been very impatient with me. I get wierd things with my eyes, heaps of moving dots look like static tv. Sometimes when I look at an object then look somewhere else, the out line of that object is where I am looking but in flourescent. Usually that happens whe I am in a room with flourescent lighting. I have a problem with focusing with my eyes as well. They focus, then un focus, then focus, then unfocus. Its really hard to focus on one spot for long. Sometimes I cant even keep focus for as long as a second. Im sensitive to light. Im wearing sun glasses most of the time and it helps with the computer screen. The best light is outside when it is raining. But even when it hasnt been too bright I have been wearing sun glasses because I get really nervous around people. I get closterphobic sometimes and it has sometimes felt like something is tightening round my throat. The front part of my brain feels like it isnt there, feels like it is just air, not just when I panic, also when I am calm, I am calm now, and I still feel I am swaying and that the front part of my brain isnt there. And I feel shaky. Sometimes my brain feels like its just moving. In about January this year My brain started to feel like it was turning to fudge a few times, then it happened more and more and for longer. I felt like it was about to switch off about 3 weeks ago, and then it felt like it actually did switch off. It really freaked me out and I called the ambulance. He got a little bitangry with me and i freaked out and yelled at him to f off and ran to the caravan I was in at the time, locked the door and started screaming. I was really scared. I called 000 asked for another ambulance driver who wouldnt get angry and the policwe came and it was ok and me and the ambulance driver were friends again. My brain started working for a tiny bit. The screaming maybe kick started it. But it stopped working about maybe 2 days later and it feels like it hasnt really been working since. and even though I am writing this I still feel that the front part of my brain isnt working and that it is just air in that part of my brain. Im not sure whats happening with my brain. I get really depressed sometimes. And really panicky. I get impatient sometimes but I always say sorry to my dog and he forgives me. I have really bad skills with interactring with people. I get nervous sometimes and shy. Some times I get paranoid about things and what people are thinking about or saying about me. The drugs I said I was on were my main medications, but I alos was on alot of other ones. I spent alot of time on risperidone, zyprexa, zuclopenphixol, and luvox again ( even though that was the one I started off on), zoloft, aropax . They were my main ones that I spent the most time on. For a few months in 2012 I inhaled alot of aerosols, so i didnt really care. I used to binge drink alot and take way more valium than what i was prescribed. I dont drink at all now. I lived in a tent for a bit and Ive lived in a few caravans, but I have just moved into a house, about 2 weeks ago I think. It is really hard. But there are still the good things that cheer me up. my dog, pizza, trees. I prayed to God a few times and he helps me. Its all really hard, but yeah I try and remember the good things And I know it will get better Thanks for saying I am strong At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 And yeah it is worse at night and bad times used to last a few days, or a week, the last few months have been mostly all bad. But about 4 days ago I started to feel better ( except for that thing this morning but Im over that now ) At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted May 28, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 28, 2014 Hi Elsie, Thank you for posting the rest of your details. I agree that you are incredibly strong to have gone through everything, and yet have remained hopeful with such a great attitude. I'm so happy you have been feeling better and are now living in a house. Remind yourself often that the way you have felt and acted in the past is a result of the drugs you were taking and not really who you are. You will recover from this, but it will take time and you have to take very good care of yourself. I know its hard, I have experienced a lot of the symptoms you wrote about, not all, but many of them. If you look at my signature you can see that I've taken a lot of drugs and came off them completely the wrong way. I've been dealing with a lot of symptoms for a few years, but slowly recovering by doing the best I can to take care of myself. Do read through the links that others have posted and also read through the topics in our symptoms and self care section, especially the pinned threads at the top: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/ Start with the first one about the windows and waves pattern of recovery, because that's how recovery tends to be. If you understand that there will be better days and not so good days and then better days, it can help to prepare you for what it may feel like. Many people find that posting here helps, so do that as often as you like, then we can support you with encouragement and understanding. Going through withdrawal can feel lonely when there are no other people in your life who really understand. Also, reading the stories and experiences of others can sometimes be helpful, when we know that others have gone through similar things, it can help us to feel less alone. Give your dog a big hug from me, he/she is lucky to have you. I'm going to get a dog when I'm more recovered. Petu. I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 Hi Rhi, Ill try and get a copy of the book you told me about. I have other symptoms of borderline like I usually think bad things about myself, I feel alot of guilt, usually assume that people are thinking bad stuff about me, like what I look like, how I act and what I say. I am emotionally unstable but that could be because my emotions have been numbed for 13 years and Im not used to them. I get very upsett easily. I get clingy to mother figures and I have very bad talking to people skills and interacting to people. But I do feel like I was in a semi coma for 13 years and have come out of it and Im not sure what to think. Hi Altostrata, I looked up the things you told me about and I have alot of the pseudo parkinson. And with the balance thing, I am good at balancing on tree logs but not so good on land. And sometimes my co ordination is really good. If I am walking fast, my balance is usually good. But then if i slow down balance goes bad and sometimes it is hard to stop, my balance goes bad if I stop. And if I am walking my dog and he needs to stop to go to toilet its really hard and I sometimes nearly fall over. Its alot easier if there is a tree or post to hold on to. Ill call Dr Rob Purssey, Ill talk to one of my psychologists first, she called me today but i missed her call. Hi MammaP yeah it will get better.Im in a house now, me and my dog moved here about 2 and a half weeks ago. Thats good you like dogs and trees you dont like pizza? And yeah it was really hard. Its still really hard, but yeah it will get better Hi Petu, I havnt really read many other peoples stories, ill read more. And yeah I usually apart from my dog feel completly alone. And that most people dont really like me.Or understand. And alot of people have told me that I should take anti anxiety medication.Ive had to explain to the that I can. And i am like this because of anti depressants. Before meds I didnt usually get angry at people. So Im glad its just the drugs And I think it was 2011 not 2012 that I was inhaling aerosols At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted May 29, 2014 Administrator Share Posted May 29, 2014 I have other symptoms of borderline like I usually think bad things about myself, I feel alot of guilt, usually assume that people are thinking bad stuff about me, like what I look like, how I act and what I say. I am emotionally unstable but that could be because my emotions have been numbed for 13 years and Im not used to them. I get very upsett easily. I get clingy to mother figures and I have very bad talking to people skills and interacting to people. Elsie, I know this isn't funny but it made me laugh. Many of us, including me, have similar problems and are not in the least bit borderline. Whoever told you these were symptoms of borderline personality disorder was not very accurate. If you're curious about it, Google it. This retired psychiatrist writes a lot about it http://davidmallenmd.blogspot.com/ I agree having been drugged since you were young, and having bad reactions for all those years to the drugs, has affected your social development. You weren't treated in a very understanding way, either. I would be very shaky emotionally in your situation, too. This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
Elsie Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 I read some of it. Im not sure if I have it or not. Maybe most of the world has bits of borderline personality disorder!! At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus mammaP Posted May 31, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 31, 2014 Elsie, psychiatrists would certainly label most of the world with some mental illness! Borderline personality disorder is just another of their labels. I agree with Alto, you haven't had the right background to develop emotionally and socially, that does not make you mentally ill! You can turn your life around and make a new one for yourself and rip off that label! **I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge. Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem) 1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat 2002 effexor. Tapered March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads. Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013 Restarted taper Nov 2013 OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015 Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014 Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg July 2017 30mg. May 15 2018 25mg Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33 Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted May 31, 2014 Administrator Share Posted May 31, 2014 Yes, all the world has one or more of the traits of borderline personality disorder. Few people have those traits to the severity required to call it a disorder. This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Rhiannon Posted May 31, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 31, 2014 Borderline personality disorder...what a funny name, what a funny concept. In my experience most of the people I've ever met with that "diagnosis" had childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, or various rough times developmentally, due to things that were easy to point to and pretty obvious. Is that a disorder? or is that just a normal reaction to harsh circumstances? All this "medicalization" of human distress seems so cruel to me. It's like if someone's hit by a truck and ends up with lots of broken bones and traumatic damage, and then they call it "bad body disorder" or something. I mean, it's not like even normal everyday life in this world we live in is particularly healthy, supportive or nourishing for most people. Evolution did not design us to live in cities, drive around in vehicles at rapid speeds, work eight or ten hours a day doing the same thing all day (usually something that does not have personal significance)...all in the absence of a tribal support system. I think most people in our modern world are struggling, on some level. I know I would be even if not for the drugs and withdrawal. Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010. Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea. Feb 15 2010: 300 mg Neurontin 200 Lamictal 10 Celexa 0.65 Xanax and 5 mg Ambien Feb 10 2014: 62 Lamictal 1.1 Celexa 0.135 Xanax 1.8 Valium Feb 10 2015: 50 Lamictal 0.875 Celexa 0.11 Xanax 1.5 Valium Feb 15 2016: 47.5 Lamictal 0.75 Celexa 0.0875 Xanax 1.42 Valium 2/12/20 12 0.045 0.007 1 May 2021 7 0.01 0.0037 1 Feb 2022 6 0!!! 0.00167 0.98 2.5 mg Ambien Oct 2022 4.5 mg Lamictal (off Celexa, off Xanax) 0.95 Valium Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion. Link to comment
Elsie Posted June 1, 2014 Author Share Posted June 1, 2014 I had a traumatic childhood, but it wasn't my fault. So I shouldnt be labled mentally ill because of it!! The bad things that were happening last week are alot better now. But its still really hard. I havnt socially developed. And parts of me are younger now, than they were when I was 17. I really feel like I need a mum sometimes. But I dont have one. I have a mother. But she has never been my mum. And when things are really really hard they are so much worse, because I have no one to go to. At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus mammaP Posted June 1, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted June 1, 2014 It's sad that you can't turn to your mother. You have lots of mums here and we are all here for you. **I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge. Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem) 1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat 2002 effexor. Tapered March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads. Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013 Restarted taper Nov 2013 OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015 Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014 Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg July 2017 30mg. May 15 2018 25mg Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33 Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted June 1, 2014 Administrator Share Posted June 1, 2014 Well, now you know what you need to do. You can develop social skills. First, practice keeping company with people who are kind. Often church groups, clubs, meditation groups, volunteer groups, etc. are good for this. Another thing is to be sad in a safe place about what you've not had. Psychotherapy is good for this. But you can also commune with pets and nature, and be a parent to yourself by comforting yourself. This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus bubble Posted June 1, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted June 1, 2014 There's lot of literature on inner child and self-parenting. I just found one book on my bookshelf: Healing your aloness, finding love and wholeness through your inner child. Obviously I was feeling the same way as you describe when I felt compelled to buy it I'm sure there's lot on google on this very interesting concepts which I also found very useful. First came across it when Lousie Hay wrote about spending a day with her inner child taking it for ice-cream or some such things. Very sweet. But the point is that now when we are adults we no longer depend on others to comfort us but can do this for ourselves (to a certain extent you are on the right track! Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2 2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013) Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg. 2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days afterreinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours 28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr 2015 1 mg, 25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64 Xanax 9 month hold 24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26 Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted June 3, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted June 3, 2014 Reading your last post made me think about my own childhood and how it caused a lack of self love. Like you, I've never been able to receive the kind of support I needed, first from a parent, and then from all the relationships which followed. All the comments which followed sent me off on a search for some online inner child resources, there are a lot, you just need to search. I found something I want to share because listening to it felt very comforting and perhaps it would help during those hard times. It does have a slight spiritual theme to it, so its not for everyone. Meditation...Loving Yourself, Honoring Your Inner Child I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment
Elsie Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 I have tried to comfort myself. But I cant. I do things like make sure I am wearing my wrist supports, get in my sleeping bag if i am upsett, eat yummy food when I am upsett, listen to music that helps me when I am upsett. I used to hurt myself when I was upsett. But I dont do that anymore. It doesnt help. Sometimes if I accidently think of something funny it helps me and I feel better. But I usually have to call life line. I usually call them a few times a day / night. There was someone who was like a mum to me. She used to comfort me. And she promised not to abandon me. But she doesnt like me anymore. She doesnt want anything to do with me. She doesnt want to know me anymore. I have started chucking tantys again. Chucked a huge one this morning. Then cried heaps. Then rang life line. Then was ok for a while. Then something upsett me and I cried again. Soon after that someone who helps me called me. Then I was ok for abit. Then got really sad again. I have thought of joining a group. But i am not normal. Most people who I meet try to tell me that I should be on anti anxiety medication. I try to tell them that I cant take it. They tell usually tell me that either they, or a friend of theirs takes it and they are fine and heaps better on it. I tell them that I cant. And they tell me that just a little bit would help me. They dont understand. I am going to try a go to a group though, Ill just go once and decide if I will go a second time. I feel like I need people. But I am scared of people. Because I am not like them, I am not normal. I joke to myself and to my dog and say that I am a lab rat. And it is sort of true!! They have tried nearly every drug on me!! But I didnt die!! Only now I am like this At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus bubble Posted June 4, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted June 4, 2014 you have comforted yourself (to a certain degree) with all the good things you did for yourself. did you listen to the link Petu gave you or you have difficulties accessing the Internet. We all, in defferent degrees, feel the same: we need others but are scared of them. It's very common. Normal is not a useful concept. It doesn't help us with anything so it's better not use it. We are all different but we are all human. That plan you made to go to a group once to see how you like it is great. Unless it's too bad, you could maybe decide to extend that trial period to let's say 3 times. Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2 2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013) Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg. 2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days afterreinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours 28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr 2015 1 mg, 25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64 Xanax 9 month hold 24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26 Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. Link to comment
Elsie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 I dont know if there is an inner child because I am so immature already. Im not mature like an adult should be. I was 17 when put on meds. Now in some ways I am younger than that. I didnt join a group. But have been talking a little bit to people at the backpackers, that is just over the drive way. I cant move forward at the moment, can only stop myself from moving backwards. Ive been having heaps of shaking problems. I got my glasses with blue tints makes the static tv like dots better. The panic attacs have got heaps better since I have only been eating food that says no artifical colours, flavours or preservatives in it. Because after a huge really bad panic thing and where i got really upsett with people as well, and the police came I realised it was after eating a chocolate bar and checked the ingriedients the next day and it had heaps of dodgy flavours in it. so after stopping that I havnt panicked as much. And sleep has been heaps better. and I hav nt been as irratable with people as I was before. But I shake heaps still. even when I am calm. mostly at night time I shake. and my spine does actually shake. Which makes me think, does my brain actually shake when I feel like it is shaking? I have got a notebook laptop now, but not internet on it. Going to get pre paid internet probably next pay day. I can use internet at the back packers. I have internet on my phone tho it is a really crappy phone, so internet on it is not very good. At 17 years old i was put on luvox and started hallucinating. I got sent to the adult psych ward where they treated the hallucinations caused by the luvox with anti psychotic medication. I soon got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. They tried me on lots of different anti psychotics, none of the worked. I attempted suicide so many times. I was also put on heaps of mood stabilizers, anti depressants, benzos, and I had ECT. I was locked up in maximum security hospitals because of my suicide attempts, i spent alot of time in seclusion. I was treated with violence by the staff. I tried to come off medication heaps of times only to have to doctors put court orders on me forcing me to go back on the medication. I was on very high doses of seroquel for 10 years, the highest dose i was on was 2100 mg a day. After 13 years of suicide attempts, medicaions induced psychosis, walking round like a zombie and heaps of other horrible stuff, I came off really high doses of seroquel, zeldox, sodium valporate, prozac, and valium. I was put on clonazepam because I went for 3 whole days with no sleep. I had a really major suicide attempt and should have died. But didnt. I was put on a court order to go back on medication. When I physically recovered from the suicide attempt I was homeless. I escaped to the country where I moved into a caravan and stopped the medication again.That was 19 months ago. All hallucinations stopped within a few weeks. All suicide attempts have stopped. I have been told that I dont have schizophrenia and that I have BPD. I still, after 19 months get very depressed, anxious, panic, emotional problems, sometimes feel like I'm on speed. I sometimes have balance problems, I have partial seizures, My brain shakes, eyes shake, spine shake. I have eye problems, wierd things with my veins, floppy wrists and other things. Part of my brain stops working sometimes. I dont have a supportive family. And I dont have many friends. Things are really hard. But I love my dog, and I love music and trees, and pizza. Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 27, 2014 Administrator Share Posted August 27, 2014 Elsie, how are you doing? Please post in our topic for Australia members http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6284-australia-members-please-check-in-here/ This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now