☼ SaveMooses -- cold turkey off Lexapro

[SaveMooses]

Alto, you are right. Those CDs are VERY relaxing and I am definitely going to utilize the breathing techniques in a more consistent way. I just need to figure out the best time for practicing regularly so if I am in crisis, I will know what I am doing and use one of the techniques to relax instead of Valium. Just wanted to update that I haven't used a valium or had to since Friday, July 8th. I went and saw my counselor on Monday who said I physically looked better. The last time she said I looked very ashen (because I just STARTED taking the 5mg Lexapro again) but now my color is coming back. I'm still not dizzy, the headaches are better thank GOD for all of your advice.

 

I have been kind of having 1 or 2 "good" days where I'm not just exhausted, then I go on the downturn for a couple of days to totally exhausted and a little weepy, but able to control the weepiness with some breathing and time outs. Today is a "downturn" day but I now have hope in a couple of days I will be on my "good" days again.

 

I just got some results from some of my hormone blood tests. My progesterine is low and my doc suggested I use progesterine cream and offered to give me Prozac to replace the Lexapro, then get off Prozac in two weeks. I said in nice a way possible, "I don't wan to come off as argumentative or disobeying doctor's orders, but I am NOT changing a THING to this system in any way until I stabilize." I was thinking to myself "2 WEEKS? What EVER!" She said that was fine and figured my station in life is to be a wailer, like people at the wailing wall. Lke it's my cross to bear. I'm like WTF? This is my medical doctor so I didn't say anything, I figure I will leave stuff like tha to my counselor. LOL! My doctor is such a nice lady and I believe she truly cares, but I am grateful to be more educated thanks to your web site and be able to sift through the garbage as I hear it.

 

I have been working my full 9 hours a day all week. I'm at work right now and it's almost lunch time. We have a birthday in the office this afternoon which will be a nice break, then I work half a day tomorrow. When I get through tomorrow, I will have worked full time for a whole week! Just wanted to report that I believe things are still on the upswing for the most part. I feel I am on the right path.

[Altostrata]

Your response about stabilizing made a lot of sense. Don't give up on your doctor, sounds like you might be able to work with her. Switching to Prozac to taper is not an entirely unheard-of idea, at least she knows that much. (It has its own risks, though -- it may not work, and then you're up the creek.)

 

The progesterone cream might be a good idea, and she came up with it.

 

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better.

[Phil]

Hi SaveMooses, I'm so shocked at what your doctor said! I would have been furious! But good on you for taking your healing into your own hands. You're right too - leave the emotional/psychological assesments to your counsellor. Doctors can be clueless about such issues.

[SaveMooses]

Hey Phil, I guess I never really paid attention to how unfocused my medical doctor is until recently. I mean, she gives me such random books to read from "Amazon Woman" type stuff to a book by a lady who was raised by Nazi camp survivors and how they dealt with life. I know she CARES but like you and I agree, I will stick with my counselor on things like that. LOL! So far, I will stick with her for now because she is doing what I request, which is let me have all the blood tests I want and gives me Valium for the rough spots. You definitely have to be your own advocate. Doctors spend a few minutes with you, but YOU are the one who knows YOU the best. Thank God for Alto's web site. It really has saved me.

[Phil]

Well, at least her heart is in the right place. I agree, we have to be our own advocates. Since withdrawal I've given up on my old belief that "doctor knows best". Have to say, I'm jealous you can get all the blood tests you want, haha. My doc gave me the impression she thought I was hypochondriac when I asked for some.

 

I echo your sentiments on this site - thankyou to Alto for starting it!

[Altostrata]

Oh, gosh, you guys.

[SaveMooses]

Hey, Alto, you ROCK!

 

I just finished my first FULL week of work and made it home in one piece (after getting blood drawn again). I think I'm actually going to make it! xoxo!

[SaveMooses]

It's Sunday and tomorrow I start another full week. "Sigh". Been fighting a migraine all weekend, but still pushing through! Hope everyone else's weekend is doing well!

[SaveMooses]

Just wanting to report that all is WELL! I'm still on my 5 mg of Lexapro, not throwing any more boomerangs into my nervous system by NOT adding anything else (like progesterine cream, SamE - anything) and am still gluten-free. This last week at work I made it through with flying colors! My coworkers are worse off than I am and they don't deal with depression or anything like that! I wasn't fatigued, I could think again, I worked my derrier off and am SO GRATEFUL to still to be employed in spite of my breakdown AT WORK on the June 21st.

 

I went to my niece's birthday party last night and am meeting up with people I graduated high school with this weekend! Coming out of my shell...... "whew" I know this doesn't necessarily mean I'm "cured" yet, but am definitely on the right track.

 

Hormone blood test results are kind of going a little wacky but I'm sure it is because I am allowing my body to figure it out for itself. I will probably give it another week or two then wean off Lexapro by one milligram at a time. So far, I haven't had to take my Valium (5 mg at a time) more than once a week. Really, when I look back as to WHY I took my Valium at all, it was because of my FEAR of my breaking down at work again. As my counselor pointed out....."How many times have you broken down before?" I'm like, "Uh, 3 times in my whole life". She said, "Then it is unlikely you will do it again. You're just WORRIED you will. Try to let that worry go.". Point taken. Plus I won't be jumping off Lexapro cold turkey EVER AGAIN.

 

Hope everyone is doing well and holding their own! Just a little over month ago, it was IMPOSSIBLE to smile and not think about killing myself all day long. There is hope on the other side - FOR REAL!

[Altostrata]

What great news, SaveM.

 

Suggestion: To give your nervous system maximum protection, make your first decrease in dosage 10%, which would be .5mg. This is easy with the liquid Lexapro.

 

I know this seems absurdly small, but the idea is to very gradually wind down with, hopefully, your CNS not noticing the difference.

 

Stay at 4.5mg for a month and see if you get withdrawal symptoms. If you do, taper in smaller decrements. If not, you might push it a bit.

[SaveMooses]

Thanks for the advice, Alto! I will do that. I did talk to my doctor about liquid Lexapro and she had no problem prescribing it to me when I'm ready. Oh yeah.... YOU ROCK!

[Altostrata]

Pshaw, SaveM.

 

Hey, how are you doing?

[SaveMooses]

Hey Alto!

 

I haven't forgotten y'all and have been intending on writing again, just haven't found a moment. ALL KINDS of Hell has been breaking loose around me and in spite of it all, I have been holding my own. I haven't weaned off any more yet because I am currently in an eight week program that teaches you what your body needs to produce the correct chemicals in your brain, THEN they tell you to start weaning off after you do these things. The programs was created by Dr. Neil Nedley, an Internal Doctor, from Oklahoma in the USA. www.drnedley.com Basically, it's all the things we've all heard (being depressives and all) but an actual step by step.

 

I'm still gluten free and that has cured my heartburn issues. Now I don't take Prilosec every night. I drink at least 32 oz. of water a day, I sit in the sunshine at least 30 minutes a day and play classical music while I work. On that Dr. Nedley website, there is even a player to listen to classical music if you don't know where to start.

 

The diet tells us to consume at least 3,000 mg of Omega-3, but the doc prefers you to do that with vegetables vs. eating fish oil or fish because of potential mercury poisoning. Use like flax seeds and soy beans. Tryptophane, etc., all kinds of things. I can go on and on, but I'm pretty pleased with how he wants to get people OFF anti-depressants.

 

Long story short, my poor Grandmother is in the hospital, I had to put my dog down a week ago, all kinds of things. But I am coping WELL. I ordered liquid Lexapro to start weaning off but insurance won't pay for it. They want $198/month! So..... will be nibbling on pills later. Hahahahah!

 

I honestly have HOPE and I KNOW we don't have to live the lies we have been told by pharmaceutical companies and doctors that we are "born this way". "Must take anti-depressants for life". It's all a bunch of garbage! I will succeed and would've never gotten to this point without all your and your member's help. Even with all Hell breaking loose, I can still talk like this.

 

Thank you for asking! I'm still getting all the emails of the people I'm subscribed to and I need to find a moment in all this daily life drama to get online and try to encourage others like you have me. I was doing good at that in the beginning but I gotta get back on that horse, so to speak.

 

And no pshaw.........YOU ROCK! XOXOXO!!

[Roads]

Your post moved me so much. Actually, it is you who moved me... There is so much courage, kindness and light in you, even though hell is breaking loose on you... I admire you.

 

I send you my tender thoughts and support

 

(Talking about classical music, listen to the second movement of the piano concerto no 2 in F by Schostakovitch. When the piano comes in, it fees like a tender and lighteous grace descends upon your heart and gently takes over the murk)

[SaveMooses]

Hey Roads! It's nice to hear that I might still have some light left in me! LOL! Some days it feels pretty dim, but this time, I'm NOT going to allow anything to remove it from me again. I've had enough of the rigmarole to last a lifetime. Thanks for the music suggestion, I will definitely listen to it. LOVE piano.........

 

So how is your journey going down your Roads?

[Rhiannon]

Hi Mooses, I've just been reading your sig line and I wanted to say, good for you that you are holding and letting yourself get stable and strong before tapering again! This is one of the hardest things to persuade people to do. Yet it is one of the most crucial steps to a good, successful, tolerable taper.

 

So good on ya, mate, and keep it up. As long as you are still experiencing improvement, continue to hold. Don't begin to taper until your improvement has plateaued. And then, when you have all the information you need and your life is in a place where you're ready, taper sloooooooowly, especially at first until you see how your system is going to respond to the tapering, and how much of a lag time you have between cuts and symptoms and restabilization.

 

I don't know about lexapro, does it come in a tablet? If it comes in a tablet and you can't afford the pricey liquid, you may want to consider dissolving it...I dissolve my Celexa tablets and do liquid titration that way. You do have to keep it stirred up really well when you measure out. But for me it's easier than trying to shave the tablets.

 

Oh, also, by the way, I am an expatriate of NM...lived in Albuquerque for 23 years and Silver City for one, before moving up here to Oregon a year and a half ago. You have NO idea how much I miss green chile! can't get it here, nobody's ever even heard of it!

[SaveMooses]

Hey, fellow NM bud! LOL! Yes, green chile is where it's AT!

 

Well, about three weeks ago, I finally added 25 mg of Zoloft to my repertoire. I am completely unable to wean off Lexapro AT ALL. I have been on Zoloft for years before it quit working for me, so finally decided to add a little. After two weeks of taking Zoloft, I went ahead and cut my Lexapro tablet down from a half to a quarter. I'm not seeing any difference except when I started Zoloft, I feel sadder. That is an emotion I can generally handle better than VOLATILE and SEVERELY IMPULSIVE. I swear, Lexapro made me NOT think and I almost just killed myself by impulse. That drug is just too dangerous for me so I will take "sadder" any day.

 

Unfortunately, I was venting to a girlfriend via instant messenger on January 2nd. She is bipolar (and I'm a depressive) so we have had many a discussion about how we feel and have always been able to vent to each other. STUPID COW CALLED THE COPS and before you know it, I was hauled off in a police car to the Emergency Room!!!!!! I still am so angry and still haven't uttered a word to my "friend" since then. Luckily, I have been working with my doctor on weaning off and changing medication, they let me go (after blood and urine tests) in about 3 hours and $100 copay! Grrrrrrrr........... still mad.

 

ANYWAY, for the most part, things have been going okay. I'm not off Lexapro yet, still feeling sadder thanks to Zoloft, but finally feeling hope that I may get off the Lexapro once and for all......then commence weaning off Zoloft. LOL! Man, I was so SCARED they were going to put me in Behavior Health and drug me up with God knows what when I went to the ER. Then I would have to wean off THAT!

 

I just wanted to let people know that since my last post, my best friend's husband died (he was older and didn't take care of his diabetes or high blood pressure), I had to put down my second out of three dogs and then my best friend HERSELF died six weeks after her husband. I'm afraid she accidentally overdosed on pain meds and sleeping pills suffering too hard for the loss of her husband. It has been very hard, but I have been learning to actually cope with horrible losses in a more sane way than I ever have been. I just want you know that even with all of these bad things that happen in life, there is still hope. People, please hang in there! There is a way out...it takes some work, but there is a life out there that we didn't even KNOW that existed. You can actually smile from time to time. Enjoy little moments.

 

I hope everyone is still chugging along and may everyone's 2012 turn out better than mine started!

[Nadia]

Hi SaveMooses... I'm so sorry to hear about the troubles, and very impressed with how you're keeping your chin up! Kudos to you, and may your path forward be clearer and unobstructed this year.

[Altostrata]

OMG, I cannot believe your friend called the cops and got you hospitalized!

 

This was because she thought you were suicidal?

 

SM, perhaps now is the time to unpatient yourself and let your friends know you do not consider yourself a psychiatric case.

 

Also, you might stop texting to people who might think of you as such.

 

Good to hear Zoloft apparently helped you get off Lexapro. Good plan -- taper carefully off Zoloft later.

[Karma]

Hi SaveMooses,

 

So sorry to hear of your losses - I cried for a week straight when I to put down my pet of 19-1/2 years. That was more difficult than losing my mother and father.

 

You might want to think about forgiving your friend ... it seems that she was concerned for your welfare - have you thought about how great it is to have someone care that much about you? However, you might want to have a crucial conversation with her about the dangers of western medicine and why you want to avoid it.

 

Karma

[SaveMooses]

Hey Alto! Yeah, my "friend" sent the cops to my house for a "Welfare Check" thinking I was suicidal. When I go back and read the messages, I understand how the average person might take it, but not my bipolar friend! I never thought about the prospect of "unpatienting" myself. I will seriously consider that very soon. I, unfortunately have been very "patient-like" thanks to Lexapro.

 

I have been told by my doc, my counselor, a couple of friends to forgive the caller.... I do understand it was out of "love" and I should be thankful, but I ain't scared of bugs, snakes, criminals..... She thrust me into the biggest and only phobia I really have. The threat of my being institutionalized and forced to "behave" the "proper" way the ignorant medical community wants me to behave and force me to take drugs that may undo everything I have done. Plus, missing work (for months at a time) could make me lose the one job I am grateful for NOT losing last June when I lost it! Well, let's just say it is a possibility I will forgive her, but not speak to her like we have in the past. Just another betrayal. You really have to watch out. This is NOT a free country!

 

Well, that sounded like a downer. Just know that we all gotta keep on keepin' on!

 

Nadia, back at you! I hope you have a wonderful year, also!

[Altostrata]

SaveM, sounds like you're taking it in stride.

 

(I wouldn't put myself in the position of trusting that person again. Friends don't get friends forcibly committed.)

[SaveMooses]

"Friends don't get friends forcibly committed"

Awesome! Sounds like a t-shirt or bumper sticker to be made! LOL!

[Nadia]

I completely relate to your experience... I also had a friend call the cops/paramedics on me because he was worried I was going to commit suicide, and it was a horrible, humiliating experience. I talked it out with him eventually, and I understand his point of view... I never said I was going to kill myself or anything, but I guess I did come off as unstable and he knew I had been in a psych ward before. It's complicated, but you can be sure I never trusted telling him anything again quite so freely.

 

What I was even more angry about was how I was treated by the paramedics and cops. It was only until I was able to talk to the pysch person at the hospital that they were finally like, OK, send this person home. It took me weeks to recover from the anger and humiliation I felt.

[SaveMooses]

Hi Nadia,

 

I definitely am still unsure what to do with my 'friendship'. I still have not spoken to her since and actually, she hasn't tried to contact me in any way. I feel bad because I know she probably did it out of "love" thinking she was helping me, but at the same time, feel totally betrayed. My doc, counselor, friends tell me to forgive her because she wasn't doing it out of meanness, and I guess I CAN forgive her, but I don't want to speak to her anymore. Basically, if I can't be who I am and have to be guarded with someone, I would rather not bother at all. I guess I shouldn't be so open about everything to everyone, either. But the more I speak with people, the more I find out (and they do, too) is that we are not alone! There are too many of us suffering and relying on stupid AD medication thanks to the lies/ignorance of the medical community.

 

I guess I still have a ways to go with letting go of the anger and humiliation. When I had a major breakdown last June, actually, it's a MIRACLE my family didn't call 911. I was hysterical, crying and wanting death so bad, but I know for a FACT that being committed would've made things even worse. I reminded my family of that again (after THIS incident) that it would NEVER help me to be committed. I'm going to get off these dang medications once and for all and the LAST thing I need is some psychiatric ward drugging me up with more crap.

 

I was reading your signature line. You haven't updated it since Jan 2011. Are things still improving or finally officially better for you? I sure hope so. Thanks for writing!

[Altostrata]

SaveM, just noticed in your sig about the mishap in November trying to taper off Lexapro by skipping pills. Oops.

 

Then you added Zoloft and cut down on Lexapro? Details, please. This can help people.

[Nadia]

Hi... actually, the update is from this month, Jan. 2012. Things are improving... but it's not linear. I had a month where I thought I was almost totally healed and then I had a setback and am still recovering from that (but even with the setback, I'm better than I was at my worst for sure). It probably doesn't help that I quit cold turkey. In general, I am MUCH better than I was at the worst of my symptoms (July of last year). The most important thing is I am able to work, I can drive now, and I feel a lot of anxiety but I go ahead and do stuff anyway (of course, I'm better abut this some days than others). My mood is really up and down, and I'm finding myself dealing with three things at once: 1. the leftover issues of withdrawal, 2. my original problems that led me to use ADs to begin with, 3. my "midlife crisis" (turning 42 in a few months, have not had children, not where I want to be at, etc.). So I'm sure 2 and 3 complicate the withdrawal part. Still, there are things that I'm sure are due to withdrawal: insomnia, anxiety, and neurological stuff like really intense sensations and memories being stuck in a really weird way in my head. I think it means readjustments are going on in my brain and hopefully everything is falling back into place (it's probably a lot of trial and error for my nervous system as well). I realized that having to go through with this is going to make me stronger in the end (though it doesn't always feel that way!)

 

About the being committed thing. I cannot agree more! In fact, after I wrote what I did yesterday, I realize I STILL carry a lot of anger and humiliation about that event (and also my first hospitalization, during which they upped my Zoloft at one point to 200mg, added Trazodone and clonazepam, and wanted to take the Zoloft up to even more than that for god knows what reason... I refused because I was getting awful headaches, but in general I was in such a vulnerable state that I was at their mercy... my psychiatrist specifically I now realize was a really damaged person). In 2008 I had tried to get off my ADs and though I tapered, I did it too fast and also got to a point where the anxiety was so bad that my parents took me to a psychiatrist. THAT was also a horrible and humiliating experience (he was one of these doctors who put you down with stuff like "you are a weak person who is afraid of being abandoned and is incapable of saying no but I am going to save you" all based on a 5 minute conversation... the kind of doctor that takes advantage of your state of desperation and instead of appealing to the strength in you, has this twisted idea that they will break you down even further to rebuild you in their image... disgusting post-Freudian strategies). In any case, I've realized yes, people just want to help you, but they have no idea what the real state of psychiatry is and how it can do more harm than good (I know there are good doctors out there, but I've met very few myself).

 

I have a hard time forgiving my friend as well because I had TOLD him how horrible my first hospitalization was. I guess in a way I've forgiven him, but in a way I haven't. He used to me my main confidant. We've drifted apart since then. I would like to fully forgive him and be closer with him, but that would be a long process. There is a lot of stigma attached to being diagnosed with mental illnesses... even close friends and family will take your opinions about doctors and drugs with a grain of salt.

[Nadia]

OK, I updated my signature... I added a couple of details I hadn't remembered before. I realize now I'm remembering more things from the past! That is probably a good sign as well.

[SaveMooses]

Hey, Alto!

 

I have been simply unable to successfully get off Lexapro without what feels pretty severe withdrawals. Even tapering down has been pretty miserable. In ONE DAY, I can crash all the way to the bottom of the pit and have not been able to see my way out of it causing me to be very unstable. For example, when I'm suffering from the lack of Lexapro, I suddenly think that it's time to end it all and start looking for my gun. No thought, just get it over with. I've NEVER been that way before Lexapro. It actually seems to be more dangerous for me to keep taking it because of how volatile I get. When I am withdrawing from Lexapro, it seems to take away ANY reasoning or even memory of what I HAVE accomplished in the past few months. It removes ALL hope so I am incapable of making good decisions and VERY capable of making a bad and fatal one without thinking. My boyfriend knows about this and makes sure all weapons are out of my reach. I mean, I can't even think to do that on my own!

 

I finally decided that I needed to start taking Zoloft again, THEN wean off Lexapro. Both are very low dosages (25mg Zoloft and 5mg Lexapro) so combined, they are not necessarily that strong. But it is amazing how lacking that stupid 5mg of Lexapro messes me up! I have noticed that I am definitely a lot sadder once I started the Zoloft, but I can deal with "sadder". I'm not going off the wall looking for a way to die. I'm just sad. And that's okay. I am now able to understand what is happening with my body during this transition and understand that it is temporary. Not fun, but not nearly as miserable as I have been.

 

Since I started Zoloft, I knocked my Lexapro from 5mg to 2.5 mg with no real symptoms. THANK GOD. Unfortunately, I changed my thyroid medication a week and a half ago, so now I'm letting my body adjust to THAT before I do any more weaning off.

 

I have been on Zoloft before and have weaned off successfully many times in my life, so that's the direction I am going now. Just trying to find a way around that big misery of withdrawal and insanity!

 

Has anyone else tried this method? My doctor told me to switch from Lexapro one day to Zoloft to the next, but I didn't do that. There was no way I was going to be able to do that. I guess I went off doctor's orders, but it seems to be working. Like I said, I was way too scared to just DROP Lexapro in one day. Also, I made sure that these two drugs combined are not lethal and they are low dosages anyway.

[SaveMooses]

Nadia, Sorry to hear that you are still dealing with what your friend did to you! I definitely understand. I'm so glad you are feeling like you are on the right track in general!

[Nadia]

Thanks... sorry I went way overboard on my answer. I'm a bit manic these days.

[Altostrata]

Hey, Alto!

 

I have been simply unable to successfully get off Lexapro without what feels pretty severe withdrawals. Even tapering down has been pretty miserable. In ONE DAY, I can crash all the way to the bottom of the pit and have not been able to see my way out of it causing me to be very unstable....

Hey, SM. It sounded like you were skipping a dose to taper -- were you doing that? That method can cause very severe withdrawal symptoms.

 

I finally decided that I needed to start taking Zoloft again, THEN wean off Lexapro. Both are very low dosages (25mg Zoloft and 5mg Lexapro) so combined, they are not necessarily that strong.

Lexapro is a concentrated SSRI. 5mg is equivalent to about 15mg Zoloft, or more.

 

Since I started Zoloft, I knocked my Lexapro from 5mg to 2.5 mg with no real symptoms. THANK GOD. Unfortunately, I changed my thyroid medication a week and a half ago, so now I'm letting my body adjust to THAT before I do any more weaning off.

Good news on the Lexapro. Agree, be cautious about adjusting thyroid medication and antidepressants at the same time. Thyroid meds can cause nervousness, insomnia, anxiety, palpitations, etc. too.

 

Yes, people have substituted one SSRI for another and successfully tapered off the second. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

We have some info on the "Prozac switch," a similar approach. You overlap the drugs for a short time, then drop the difficult drug, possibly in stages.

[SaveMooses]

Alto, you are exactly right. I was trying to wean off Lexapro skipping every 4th day. You are absolutely correct. Very severe withdrawal symptoms within 24 hours. I've done that method with Zoloft in the past and am hoping I will be able to do that again.....someday.

I have been on my new thyroid medicine for a little over a month now. You're not kidding! I have been waking up shaking most mornings. Not nervous, anxious or cold. Just shaking a little. Like, obvious enough when I am lifting a cup to drink, I look like I might not make it. It sometimes lasts 5 minutes, sometimes a LOT longer like 5 hours. One day it was about hour 3 when I got tired of it and took 5 mg of Valium to see if that would help. It did, which is strange to me, because I'm not anxious. I am really trying to avoid that route because I DO NOT want to be dependent on ANY drug some day, much less Valium.

Unfortunately in the midst of the thyroid medication adjustment, I got sicker than a dog with a seemingly simple cold which turned into violent coughing bronchitis. Took forever to convince the doctors to give me antibiotics in the beginning because when I get sick like that, it WILL turn into pneumonia. I'm in about day 21 of this illness and have been feeling much better the last 7 days.

I went ahead and dropped the last 2.5 mg of Lexapro almost 2 weeks ago. I know the timing sounds off with my being sick and all, but I was not ABOUT to pay $75 more dollars for that poison anymore. The only thing I really notice now is that volatile violent tendency I get into sometimes when I have "had enough" is just gone. I don't kick in walls or doors....don't wanna crash the car.....don't wanna smother stupid people It's just gone so now I'm CONVINCED Lexapro was giving me that extra violent edge. Now I'm just down and am able to control my emotions better. Like, I can still "fake" giving a crap about a stupid meeting at work. LOL! It's hard for me not to vent to the world EXACTLY what I'm thinking at that EXACT moment in general.

I also wanted to write that I know that I come across on this blog sometimes as everything is all sunshine and rainbows and things are working exactly the way that I want them to, but even as I type this now, I'm bawling like a big baby exhausted by this fight with Depression. It truly is a fight every day, every hour, every minute and wanted people to know that even though I am in this state right now, I will go to sleep, tomorrow may not be ALL better, but waking up tomorrow is a new opportunity for things to be DIFFERENT. Not necessarily BETTER, but DIFFERENT. Sometimes the DIFFERENT is a little better..... then a little better more later. I SO MUCH want to give up and call it a life.... but then we can't because of the people who love us and need us. I know when people are in this down state like I am right now, they can't even THINK of ONE good thing or ONE good reason to get up in the morning, or ONE person who loves them.

People, please remember that DEPRESSION / ANXIETY / WHATEVER you are ailed with is our enemy. Our enemy feels stronger than us sometimes, but we cannot let him win. It's' okay to take a nap and rest, but do it in the sun. Make sure to keep drinking water. We have to win to show others HOW to do it, that it IS possible and there is hope. If not for ourselves, for our children. I, myself, am not a mother, but I have nieces and a nephew to think about. One of the little girls seems to be more like me than I wish she was (for her sake) but SHE is my reason for trying so hard. I HAVE to figure this out so she will not have to suffer like I have. I need to be able to show her the way so HER struggle won't be as hard as mine. We have to keep going, even if it is to just be there to feed our loving pets.

 

Just keep on hanging in there, everyone, and I will continue to try to do the same. It IS harder some times more than others...... but suicide CAN NOT be an option. It sometimes feels like a viable option, but your suicide inflicts ungodly pain to those around you. Are you the type of person who would literally knock your loved ones down to the ground (Grandma, grandpa, mom, sister, baby, pets, husband, wife.....etc.) all at once and stomp on them over and over physically to watch them cry and hurt? And do it every day for months and years? I mean, literally, are you the type of person who would do that? Of course not, but SUICIDE would do that to everyone around you that ever cared for you in any way. I guess I have to think of things like that so I can endure this pain longer. I would rather endure this pain forever and FOR my loved ones than for them to EVER feel like that because I did that to them.

Well, I guess I better sign off for now. Sorry for the rant, I guess I just wanted everyone to know that you are NOT ALONE. I also needed to remind myself of that, too. My love and empathy for all of you in this struggle with me. May God be with us and use our suffering to help others because in the end, no matter what, we WILL be cured by Him. <3

[Karma]

"I have been on my new thyroid medicine for a little over a month now. You're not kidding! I have been waking up shaking most mornings. Not nervous, anxious or cold. Just shaking a little. Like, obvious enough when I am lifting a cup to drink, I look like I might not make it. It sometimes lasts 5 minutes, sometimes a LOT longer like 5 hours. One day it was about hour 3 when I got tired of it and took 5 mg of Valium to see if that would help. It did, which is strange to me, because I'm not anxious. I am really trying to avoid that route because I DO NOT want to be dependent on ANY drug some day, much less Valium."

 

 

Hey SaveMooses,

 

I'm not a medical professional, but I might have some ideas to help you tolerate that thyroid medication a little better. Did they run an anemia panel? You need to have your iron saturation and iron at the right levels to tolerate thyroid - generally you want to be at about 35% iron saturation for optimal thyroid usage. If your doc hasn't checked iron, ask for it. Note that they may tell you that all you need is to test ferritin, but if you have inflammation in the body, ferritin can be falsely elevated so an iron panel with UIBC, TIBC, iron and iron saturation is a better indicator.

 

I've seen other patients on the patient advocate site over and over have trouble tolerating thyroid until they get iron in the right range. I experienced this myself. Being post-meno I was reluctant to supplement iron, but I did for a short period of time to get my saturation in the right range and felt much better.

 

Another thing to check is your electrolytes ... I find that if my sodium is low in-range that I get heart palpitations. I drink water with up to 2 teaspoons of Celtic sea salt every day to keep my sodium levels closer to 140. You need to have your sodium and potassium balanced.

 

Again, talk to your doctor, ask for the tests - nothing wrong with participating in your own health care.

 

Karma

[Altostrata]

Good info, Karma.

 

Also, I wonder if maybe that thyroid medication dosage is a bit too strong for you, SaveM. Are you taking it because you have a deficiency or because your doctor thought it might work for depression?

 

Very good news you're off Lexapro with few withdrawal symptoms -- although the depression might be one. Your advice for coping is excellent.

 

What was your tapering schedule, finally?

[SaveMooses]

Karma, thank you so much for giving me SOMETHING to look at. I have asked doctors, pharmacists, everyone I know if they ever heard of anyone having this type of reaction to dissected thyroid. Nobody had.

 

My thyroid tests a little low, and I have always taken something called "Raw Thyroid" that comes from happy cows in New Zealand. It contains freeze-dried thyroid, pituitary, adrenal gland and kelp. I was taking that 3 times a day and it SEEMED to be helping. But when I got hauled into the emergency room January 2nd against my will, they tested my thyroid (a standard practice for "suicide watch" crap) and showed it hypo...... so my doc put me on the tiniest amount of dissected thyroid (15 mg) to see if she can start helping me balance it more. Raw Thyroid is over-the-counter and not monitored by the FDA to guarantee amounts of mgs per capsule, so my doc thought at least with a prescription, we could get a grip on it. In the past, I had taken a synthetic tiny amount of thyroid....levoxonine....something like that and within 2 weeks, a side effect of all my joints ON FIRE came up. Before that, I felt GREAT! Hence, the "natural" approach.

 

Alto, to answer your question, my doctor is simply trying to treat my hypothyroid, not depression in this case.

 

My tapering schedule from Lexapro (after I quit cold turkey and CRASHED, then got back on Lexapro) eventually was successful ONLY by getting on Zoloft (25 mg) for about a month at the same time I was taking 5 mg. of Lexapro. Then I cut my Lexapro to 2.5 mg for about 3 months (too scared to go off more quickly, plus was having this thyroid issue to deal with), then I dropped the last 2.5 mg almost two weeks ago. You're right, depression is probably one of the side effects, but I need to let my body try to balance out as much as it can for now.

 

Now that I'm on less antidepressant (25 mg of Zoloft remaining), my thyroid issue may fix itself. I have heard that taking antidepressants DO make your thyroid less efficient in some people. I have a followup blood test for thyroid and doctor visit in the next month to see what's happening.

 

On top of EVERYTHING, I am now suffering from PMS worse than I ever have in my life! I wonder if Zoloft and the like have been also suppressing those symptoms in me all these years. My sister is the one that pointed out that I go into deep despair right before my period. Guess what? Started last night after I was bawling and typing last night on this blog. Yet ANOTHER thing to track. "sigh"

 

Karma, I believe that you MUST participate in your own healthcare. There is NO WAY any doctor can pay as much attention to you than you can.

 

Hope everyone is doing well today!