☼ SaveMooses -- cold turkey off Lexapro

[SaveMooses]

Well, another day in Paradise.

 

Apparently, I didn't realize how much antidepressants in my life have really suppressed all emotions I should have been experiencing at the time I SHOULD have been experiencing. Or maybe this is just hormonal...

 

One thing that has been happening for sure since I dropped the Lexapro is my brain is releasing memories of all topics of all different subjects and times of my life. Most are not pleasant so I am having a very difficult time just sitting here and taking it. I want to go back to suppression and not deal.

 

My honey woke me up in the middle of the night last night saying I was talking in my sleep. I was in the middle of dreaming about having to put my baby doggie, Mousse, down (this last August). Like I was reliving it. I constantly think during the day about my high school boyfriend and friends and all the stupid situations we got ourselves into. I think of my ex-husband that treated me like a QUEEN only to find out he was doing everything that moved during our 10 year marriage. THAT was almost 10 years ago. I think random thoughts about random things and can't seem to make my brain stop.

 

I am a bit of a paper hoarder and today went into my office to clean it out once in for all. I ran across all kinds of papers and things that reminded me of other unbearable and sad memories. I just found out that my 85 year old great aunt is in a hospital in Albuquerque tonight and I am SO SCARED I won't get to see her again. She is the last of that generation on that side of my family and reminds me how much I miss my grandma and grandpa who died about 12 years ago. I barely remember their funerals because I was in such denial both times.

 

I finally took half a Valium so I can quit crying and go to sleep. My goodness, this is hard. And my honey is just snoring next to me like nothing is wrong. I guess this is turning out to be "normal" all the time so what is HE supposed to do? I just feel so alone and am beginning to wonder if I will ever actually succeed to be a non-Depressed human being in the future.

 

Sorry for the bummer talk....just wanted to not feel so alone. Thanks for listening! xoxo!

[Altostrata]

This is very familiar. I have no idea what's going on with the brain but withdrawal did the same thing to me -- excavated all kinds of unhappy things, down to excruciating detail.

 

This is a healing phase. It will pass. Try to "change the channel" to deal with it, don't wallow or feel you have to dive into it.

[Whatever]

This is very familiar. I have no idea what's going on with the brain but withdrawal did the same thing to me -- excavated all kinds of unhappy things, down to excruciating detail.

 

This is a healing phase. It will pass. Try to "change the channel" to deal with it, don't wallow or feel you have to dive into it.

 

Same experience here. I had a lot of mental junk cluttering my mind. I had been so depersonalized while medicated that I didn't have emotions and reactions to things that were happening to me. As the memories came back I had a tendency to blow things way out of proportion.

 

However, there were some situations and relationships that I needed to confront. So I spent a lot of time writing while in WD. I wrote letters to people who hurt me long ago. Of course I never mailed them. Writing those memories down was a good way for me to obtain closure. I find that writing is a way of purging the emotions from myself and pushing them out to the universe where they just evaporate.

[Altostrata]

Oh, in the midst of withdrawal confusion, I mailed the letters. Ha!

[SaveMooses]

Thank you so much for letting me know that all this memory bombardment happened to you, Alto and Whatever! It is comforting to know that it will eventually pass. It is AMAZING about the detail when I thought I had no memory of each situation in the first place! I will consider writing the letters, but not mailing them. xoxo!

[Altostrata]

Definitely write down whatever you remember. Then you can hold a ceremony and burn them -- goodbye to all that old buried trauma.

[Altostrata]

SaveM, how are you doing? How has your recovery gone?

[SaveMooses]

Hey Alto! Sorry I haven't been on in so long to keep you updated.

 

June 21st recently passed and that was the one year anniversary to the breakdown I had at work for jumping off Lexapro cold turkey. It was the 1 year anniversary to my finding your website and your saving my life. I am not trying to be dramatic or anything. I am just telling you the truth and am so grateful for you and the others who helped me get through the worst year of my life. I cannot express my thanks and gratitude for what you all have helped me through.

 

This is still a challenging journey and others reading this may think "A WHOLE YEAR TO GET BETTER?!?!?" but in that one year, I have accomplished more than I have been able to in the last 20 years of being on the medical roller coaster and using antidepressants. In that one year, I have finally begun to discover who I REALLY am. I sometime get down thinking I'm 42 years old and "shoulda coulda woulda" be further along in my life than I am right now. But I also realize there are people out there who never get the chance to find out, so better late than never.

 

To add insult to injury, in that one year I had to put two dogs down, bury my best friend's husband, then 6 weeks later, bury my best friend. Actually, that all hit in 8 weeks (during part of August, September and October). I don't know how I survived that pain and grieving, but was somehow able simply because I am BETTER.

 

In that year, a very good friend of mine feared for my own safety and had me hauled into the emergency room (making me face my biggest fear - getting committed to Behavior Health). I forgive her, but have had to make my peace with no longer being friends with her and other "friends" that are detrimental to my health and my progress. I'm not better than anyone else, I just have had to get serious about my recovery. Changing relationships has been an unforeseen challenge for me. Remember my wonderful OCD boyfriend that has been helping take care of me? Well, now I have probably trained him to treat me like a crazy person, but he is having a hard time adjusting to the newer me. We no longer get along and he almost seems to be sabotaging or attempting to sabotage my progress. I'm guessing because he doesn't know how else to relate to me. We, again, are seeing a couples counselor and I'm hoping we can evolve and not break. But if I have to let that relationship go for the sake of my health, I will.

 

I have had to do what you said which was to "unpatient" myself. (Was that the word?) I don't call my condition "Depression" anymore. I do believe I have SOME sort of condition (like chronic fatigue syndrome, or fibromyalgia, etc.) but I don't care what the name is. It is a condition that requires my going to bed by 8pm every night, taking my Vitamin B complex, Omega 3s and multivitamins. It is a condition that requires I exercise regularly and drink lots of water. I get sunlight. I am still gluten-free. The best thing I have discovered is Tai Chi and that helps me more than anything. It is a condition that if I just take the steps to take care of it, I can function. It is a lot of steps, I admit, but the alternative is to NOT do the steps and then be absolutely miserable. So the choice is simple.

 

I am still slowly weaning off Zoloft (25 mg - skipping every 4th dose) with very little side effects and am happy to report that both my counselor and my doctor finally released me. In other words, they both said, "Call if you need anything!" instead of "See you in 6 weeks!" My blood tests all have come back completely normal.

 

NONE of this would have been possible without your saving my life a year ago. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you so much for being willing to take on this station in your life....creating a website to help people. It cannot be easy listening to everyone's despair all the time. I just want to tell you from the bottom of my still beating heart - THANK YOU

[Altostrata]

Well, that's a journey.

 

Thank you for your kind words, SaveM. But you did the hard work to unpatient yourself.

 

Very good to hear you're doing well with the medication changes. (You know I'd rather you take 3/4 of a Zoloft tablet each day rather than skip a dose every 4 days....I hope the rest of your taper goes well for you.)

[SaveMooses]

Hello all! Since I last wrote, I encouraged my boyfriend to follow HIS dreams and he worked hard and got into Police Academy. My office manager friend took another job and I was given her position. Our office decided for the first time in 30 years to move from one giant building to a smaller, remodeled on. Because we were in a giant building, there was 40 years of stuff and files to go through. Had to coordinate the move, hire my replacement and after Thanksgiving, my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years dumped me. Said I wasn't supportive even though I did the graphic design for his class shirts, found a long time resident to speak at his graduation, then take him for a Romance Package at Pagosa Springs, CO to celebrate. Ha! I even agreed to replace a dog for him and he chose a hairy Chihuahua.

Him leaving turned out to be one of the best things. I HAVE NEVER been able to get over being dumped within a decade, but didn't realize how much negative energy HE was. I thought all of our issues was MY fault because I was the "sick" one. I forgot that NOBODY is perfect. I am not perfect and neither was he. He has proven his lack of caring and it all being an act by leaving his dog with us and never even telling my Grandmother Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. He claimed to even love HER as his own Grandmother. Whatever. We are BOTH better off without him and now I thank him for leaving.

It has been an amazing and eye-opening journey and I am getting better every day. I am still on 25 mg of Zoloft because I don't want to mess everything up with withdrawal symptoms. I will get brave enough to attempt weaning off the last smidge someday, but it is ok for now.

I just want everyone to know it can be done! There IS hope. There IS the other side and the light is brighter over here. There IS happiness in small things, sense of accomplishment, pride in the work you can do. I still have a hard time getting out of bed, but nothing compared to the way it used to be. And with God, all things are possible.

Hang in there and remember to keep on keeping on! Do not give up!

[Altostrata]

Great to hear from you again, SaveM!

 

You've been slightly busy. Glad to hear you're doing well.

 

How's the Zoloft taper going?

[SaveMooses]

Like I said before, don't want to mess everything up with tapering YET, but will do eventually! Lol! Thank you for all your help, Alto! You are amazing!

[peggy]

i just read through your whole topic SM - you have done so well, congratualtions! I have no doubt you will one day be free of the zoloft!

[Altostrata]

Savemooses, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[SaveMooses]

Hi All!  I'm glad this post is here for me to "keep it real". I've been telling people I have been off all anti-depressants for four years now, but it's really only been about 2 years after reading this!

 

I am off all antidepressants and don't seem to be having withdrawal symptoms anymore.  I AM still suffering from depression but not to the level I was when I WAS on antidepressants! 

 

I have been gluten-free (for depression) for four years. It actually solved a bunch of other health problems to get off gluten. I had horrible digestive issues and medications, like Benedryl didn't work before, but now they do.

 

I've been pretty down because I thought my energy level would get better, and it really hasn't.  Now that I'm not all medicated, I'm painfully aware of my being inept. LOL!  Okay, with physical labor. I still work full time at a desk job and do that job well. I still have a grandmother that lives with me that I take care of with the help of my mother. I have two little doggies that take care of me. (My doggie in my pic passed away this last year).

 

In general, overall, I am doing well, just wish I could be more cheerful about it.  I know it could be worse, blah blah blah, just haven't found my "passion" in life that gets me charged up.

 

I just wanted to touch base and let' y'all know I'm still here! I see a counselor regularly that is suggesting (gently) that I get back on anti-depressants, but I had to explain to her that saying stuff like that is like telling me to hold a fork into a plug in without a breaker, and hope for the best. HA!  When I gave her THAT analogy, I think she got a closer understanding as to WHY I WILL NOT put myself in that position again. I will start smoking pot before I do something like get on one of those insane drugs!!!

 

I hope this post finds you all well and that Altostrata, you are doing GREAT this year! Hugs to you and your blog, it DID save my life.

[Altostrata]

SaveM, so good to hear from you.

 

Sounds like you're just about ready to write your success story, summing up going off the drugs here Recovery Success Stories

 

There are many things to try for the blahs. If you're spending a lot of time at your desk, getting regular exercise every day can help. Also lots of leafy greens, CoQ10, a little bit of B vitamins, etc.

[Iamfine]

Your suffering sounds a lot like my own. I even dream occasionally about past bad events, and when I do it's always followed by a bad day. You are further along than I am, I am just starting to get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for posting this.