Raul: hello i'm a new member

[raul]

i live alone, and i have my pills and water, the best solution, too much suffering, what happens to me, god help me

[AliG]

Raul, Just stay calm.  Everything will be ok .   Breathe,  and  just get through another day.  Don't do anything. Just stay alive , for now.  Hugs,  Ali.

[Knaster]

What AliG said. Everything will be ok. Trust us!

 

I use some of the relaxing audios from

http://excelatlife.com/(meadow and panic) to calm myself.

 

Hugs.

[LoveandLight]

(((Raul))) so sorry whats making you suicudal or is it the actual suicidal thoughts that are making you suicidal, if you know what I mean.

 

It's terrible but it passes and pretty quickly at that xxx.

[Vonnegutjunky]

Raul - I just want to assure you that it will take time to get stable but it does happen- it's happen later than sooner for some of us- I am 8 months now after a failed taper - I reinstated in January and by April I was still having withdrawals- in May I doubled my dose.

 

Once the withdrawal starts you cannot stop it- its almost as if it takes a life of its own- even going back on the original med does not stop all the wd symptoms - but I think it reduces them-

 

I spent many nights on this board, reading, asking for help and getting reassurance, just to come back a week later and ask the same questions for more reassurance, because my mind was so foggy and unclear I had forgotten what I previously posted - and be cause I felt so scared and desperate to feel myself again.

 

I felt so much fear, sadness, dread and worry- my symptoms were never ever physical- they all manifested as psychological; I knew it was not depression because it felt so strange, so strange infact I still cannot explain to you what I was feeling exactly except it was all bad and I wanted it to stop- my sense of time was distorted; I felt numb; and when I would feel better I only worried about feeling bad;

 

I hyper focused on it, because I knew it was not normal-

 

I am 3 months and one week on my increased dose - yesterday and today I feel 80% better-

 

But I still have fear that I am not out of the woods -

I still fear the feelings of strange dread returning

 

I know I will be back on here asking for reassurance some time soon- and begging alto for advice - advice she had probably ready given me., and I forgot about it - because my memory too is so unclear -

 

But since I could not focus on anything but how I felt - it helped that someone else was there to lend a hand -

 

So be patient and listen to them- Brains take a while to heal and calm down- I thought my Paxil was no longer working and that I would need a new medication- and that still may be the case - but what I was feeling was not because if that - it was because of the withdrawal and the need for stability-

 

I now, for 2 days, have felt some sense of normalcy - and I would not have had I listened to my doctor and got on another medication-

 

It's hard to be still in turbulent water but that's exactly what you need to do to survive now -

 

Xoxox

[Vonnegutjunky]

Also please know that I am NOT in anyway suggesting people increase their dose!!! Infact it only created more symptoms for me! Had I stayed on my 10mg I would have gotten much better sooner!

[raul]

Hello, yesterday they took me to urgence, because i had an anxiety panick attack with lot of crying and depressed, the neighbour called the ambulance, and they suggested me to take 10 mg escitalopram instead of 6 mg. I am still confused, because i do not know if 10 mg will help me. Please if somebody know which are the advantages of taking 6 mg instead of 10 mg. give me the reasons, because i am now very confused.

Thanks for all suggestions.

[raul]

Thanks vonnegut for your answer, i appreciate it so much.

[raul]

Please i ask again,  what is better to continue with my RI of 6 mg or updose to 10 mg? after 1 month of reinstatement i still continue having wd symptoms, but i do not know if it is better to updose to 10 mg. I would appreciate some opinions. Thanks very much.

[Vonnegutjunky]

I did an updose and it made me feel worse for 3 months straight - no windows at all - do it at your own risk- I personally regret updosing - but that's just me -

[raul]

thanks vonnegut for your answer, today i feel depressed, it is the only emotion i have, but the worst of them.

[AliG]

 Any time you go to "  Emergency  / hospital", they are going to dose you up with more drugs.  If it was me , I would stick with what you were on.  6mg ??

I hope it goes well, whatever you decide.  Anxiety/panic/ depressed/ & crying are all "withdrawal" symptoms.  You just have to "tough it out".  Hang in there.   Ali.

[Altostrata]

You may wish to try 7mg, to see if a small increase helps.

[raul]

hello, yesterday i had a window of only 1 day i slept good, and with no symptoms of anxiety. Today i woke up early with very bad thoughts, very suicidal, and very scared of everything. I have a pain in my chest as i want to cry at any moment of the day. I have no phisical symptoms, all are psichological, i would prefer much better the phisical ones. Today is a bad day, i wish in the night i can get a relief, because the day is hard to me, but i do not know.......it is the first time in my life that i feel so scared and depressed, and it focuses in my chest, as it want to explode into tears. Why we have to suffer so much? it is not fair.....Someone else had experiencied these horrible symptoms??

[raul]

i am thinking of having ECT, i do not mind of eventually losing memory, but i saw some videos and researched for information that ECT is successfull in 80% patients aprox. The problem is that i do not know if i have to interrupt my medication or that i have to still having taking it and the problems of tapering it (what happens there?). Sorry, but when desperation and suffering is so big....

[raul]

hi, i want to know if somebody can tell me if it is a problem having 1 mg klonopin at night (i have been taking it only for 1 month and taper later when i stabilise) to help reduce anxiety and insomnia. My worst symptoms are mostly psychological: anxiety, depression, racing thougths...... I know that most of you consider take as less meds as possible, but it helps me to sleep.

[raul]

a

[raul]

 

[raul]

i am thinking of having ECT, i do not mind of eventually losing memory, but i saw some videos and researched for information that ECT is successfull in 80% patients aprox. The problem is that i do not know if i have to interrupt my medication or that i have to still having taking it and the problems of tapering it (what happens there?). Sorry, but when desperation and suffering is so big....

[Skyler]

hi, i want to know if somebody can tell me if it is a problem having 1 mg klonopin at night (i have been taking it only for 1 month and taper later when i stabilise) to help reduce anxiety and insomnia. My worst symptoms are mostly psychological: anxiety, depression, racing thougths...... I know that most of you consider take as less meds as possible, but it helps me to sleep.

We do not advise taking benzodiazepines to treat withdrawal because for a short term relief, folks then end up tapering the benzo for a couple of years in addition to... and you may need to do a full taper even at this early stage. When taken on a regular basis for even one to two weeks (which can be as little as 3 doses a week), benzodiazepines can be habit forming.  You might want to read thru Shamaan's thread for a cautionary tale.

 

....you are more vulnerable because of history with other psychotropics, not to mention the ongoing withdrawal symptoms you are having from the escitalopram.  I'm sorry the news is not better on this front.

 

 

You will hit tolerance and need to take more klonopin to get the same effect.  Unfortunately, you will probably need to do a full 10% off the previous dose (or less) every month until you come off.  I'm not sure what options you have now however, just try not to increase the dose further.

[LoveandLight]

Yes Raul..I've suffered agonising depression in this..many of us have

[raul]

hope one day there is a "treatment" to  withdrawl symptoms. I think i am too trustful, sigh.

[Pharmageddon]

Raul, I always feel worse in the morning too and had horrific depression. I hope you're starting to feel better after your updose...big hugs!

[Skyler]

raul.. you might like to read about managing cortisol spikes if you have not yet done so.

[dalsaan]

Raul, you should contact a local suicide help line and try and find local support.  If you already have taken pills, throw them up and call emergency.  You will miss your friends and they will miss you.

 

Dalsaan

[Skyler]

Raul... I agree with Dalsaan... And feel free to PM me if you feel it will help.  I'm praying for you buddy.

[Skyler]

I wonder if you have heard of these folks... http://www.befrienders.org/ They might be a help. I will be turning in in a few minutes.. but I'll check your thread tomorrow. 

[bluebalu86]

Raul, please don't do anything rash. What you're dealing with is a temporary situation, which will get better with time, patience and perseverance. You can bear and endure more than you think. Please don't attempt to harm yourself. Suicide via pill overdose rarely works. You will get extremely sick, be taken to the hospital, put in the psych ward, where they will pump you full of meds. Trust me, I've been severely suicidal, I know the pain, I know what you're dealing with and I know what I'm talking about. There is no easy way out of this, but there is a way out. It will not be like this forever. You have to concentrate your efforts on taking very good care of yourself and managing the symptoms, not making suicide plans. All of this will get better, trust me, trust us when we say this.

 

You have to be alive to experience the healing that will surely come. It's not worth it to die because of this ****. I know you're in pain and all you want is for the pain to end, but you're not thinking clearly. No major decision should be made when you're not in a sound mind.

Stay alive. 

 

PM me if you want to talk. 

 

We all care about you very much and want to see you get better. You are among friends here.

[AmyK]

Raul, if you have taken pills - call 112!

You are worth so much more than this. Please get face to face help.

You WILL get better, even if it doesnt feel so now!

Sending hugs and comfort.

[AmyK]

Emergency numbers in Spain (including suicide/crisis line):

http://spain.angloinfo.com/inside/emergency-numbers/

[Petunia]

Raul recently wrote in his thread about intentions to end his life. Because the content of the post could be very upsetting to some members, it has been hidden.

 

This site is not the place to announce suicide plans or to discuss methods, this needs to be a safe place for all members.

 

If you are seriously suicidal, you need to find face to face help where you live, we are not able to provide this kind of support.

 

Please see: Help for those who are feeling desperate or suicidal.

 

If you are still with us Raul, please let us know you are ok, you have friends here who care about you.

[LoveandLight]

Yes I care about you Raul..you have been a great comfort to me..I was very very desperate just even last week and yesterday and today I'm so glad I didn't hurt myself - so glad! And you will be too. I know when your in it, it feels like you are the worst case scenario..but this is just a trick of the mind..you are not. I felt like that but not right now..we are all in this terrible situation together and we all need each other. Hugs xxx

[PapaBear]

Hi Raul,

 

As the others are writing, please be ensured that everyone here cares about you! So please let us know that you are fine.

Everyone here is suffering but together we are able to cope with it. We all had or have desparate moments but as you can see in many threads it will be better after a while.

There are so many things you can still try to improve and I am sure many of us here are happy to help you with it.

 

Take care,

PB

[Pharmageddon]

Raul, I really connected personally to your story (same meds even). Before I joined here I thought there was no one else out there like me! You helped me so much just by making me feel like I wasn't alone.

 

I got so worried when I didn't hear back from you on PM and I'm even more worried now to hear this recent news. When I had severe symptoms, like you, I "KNEW" in my whole being that there was no way out but death--and this happened to me TWICE. But now I have stabilized and am feeling OK even though I am unfortunately still on meds.

 

If someone as sick as I was can stabilize, you can too. I believe in you!

[LoveandLight]

Yes..I had the same pharma "there is no other way out"..but there is.

 

Hope your alright. Look forward to hearing from you xx

[raul]

Hello to everybody, finally i am at home, they took me to emergency but i am here. Thanks everybody for all your messages. I am still depressed and desesperation is horrible, time is very slow and the nightmare of my head is very difficult to cope with. I have no pleasure for anything, no bycicle, no gym, no work, and only stay at home. I tried to listen to music i like but can not concentrate.

 

Why it is so difficult? this is WORSE than a normal depression. I cried a lot, for my partner, my friend (others friends disappear), my cats  and my sister that lives in another country, and of course all of you. I have no more support. I was thinking of living together with some of you, for me is very important to share life with people with the same problem. Here i feel that i am not understood even i explain them all the situation. What can i do then?

 

I feel very lonely, and that's what scares me more, and also the point that stabilisation will not appear and even if i stabilise in the future i am really very scared if after tapering slowly in 5 years for example, the results are not the way what they have to be. These thoughts are always on my mind and i became obsessive with this, even in the beach, in the supermarket, everywhere. I am very very scared, even people that do a slow taper the results are not good, even the fact of do a slow taper during years, for me psychologically is very difficult to do unless i have to go to a compound pharmacy, because i can't manage myself with syringes and all that stuff.

 

I have so much doubts about all of this, that i was thinking that if one day i stabilise i will take the med until the end of my life. I do not want to suffer, and i know that the process of making a slow taper and then wait por the post-taper results with no warranty at all, makes me really scared. For me, assume all of this is so traumatic, that i prefer to be a depressed person and take the meds than to assume that i have to taper and so on. Sometimes i prefer to have and ending disease that cope with all of this, i do not if you understand me, but i am so angry with all of the situation.

 

Years before, when i took the ADs, and then withdraw i thought that my symptoms were returning so i thought i was a depressive person and i assume it, i prefer this than to know the reality. The reality of withdraw symptoms is much overwhelming that i prefer to have a cancer. I do not pretend to exagerate, i want to be honest of what i am thinking these days. Yesterday i went to a psychologist, but i thought he couldn't help me, so decided not to go anymore.

 

Always when i go out i am always comparing myself with other people and i think to myself (they are lucky, they are not on ADs), it is very stressful, even my coworker that takes ADs, is happy, and he is on them for 20 years, and he doesn't understand why i don't feel good taking them. For him and for my friend is so easy to go on and off these meds, they take them when they feel bad and then easily they can get off of them with no difficulty. My others friends, the ones that don't take meds, do not understand anything about this, they think that meds are good and that i have to take them. Yesterday i talked by Skype with my beloved sister and she didn't understand, she says that in all our family are depressive persons: my father, mother, grandmother, herself and me, so she thinks that i have to assume my depression and take the meds.

 

Sorry if i write a lot, but is what i think nowadays, i feel lost, this is the exact  Word. Hope that in the future i can stabilise, and if i do i will take them until the rest of my life, i do not want to suffer anymore, with all the problems of tapering, post-tapering and so on. I am weak, sorry.

 

Lots of hugs for everybody, but please if you know somebody that lives in Spain with the same problem as me, please let me know, i feel very lonely and i want to know some persons in the same situation, i researched myself and i found only 2 persons here in this fórum, but one i do not know where he lives and think that they do not want to keep personal contact.

Hugsxxx

Edited September 1, 2015 by bubble
added paragraphs