melcita very very desperate! help!

[melcita]

Ok and is it normal being constant fear like absolutely no break ever? Ever,

[ten0275]

Fear

noun

noun: fear; plural noun: fears

1.

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

 

 

i would say that based on what you have endured in your fight towards wellness, intense and persistant fear is "normal." i am sorry you feel fear and pain. it is my experience that it does not last for ever. hang in there.

 

dave

[melcita]

Are there any antipsychotic survivors? And healed

 

This seems to be the permanent damage drug.

 

 

Thanks dave. This is so crazy being started by a migraine. .

[ten0275]

Crazy and intense indeed. Migraines, Postpartum depression, the death of a family member - and the almost default answer is to throw drugs, and lots of them, at it all.

 

I prefer not to refer to anything as "permanent damage." Nothing at all is permanent. I know sometimes it feels like there is a shortage of success stories around. But what you will see over and over again - be the sufferer withdrawing from antidepressants, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics, etc. - is gradual improvement. Incremental. Even if minutely. The intense hell periods can be long and arduous, but progression occurs.

 

Patience is our hardest won ally. When we suffer, it is as rare as water in the desloate stretches of the Sahara.

 

Try to keep your spirit up even when you are suffering. Move if your body feels like it needs to. Rest if you can. Push forward always.

 

I firmly believe that all of us will find our way out of this if we can stick it out.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[Brandy]

Melcita, please don't worry about the one dose of antipsychotic. The permanent damage you read about from antipsychotics happens to some people who have taken antipsychotics for a long time. (And usually large doses, I believe. Just not sure on that one.)

 

One dose of anything, even very mild over-the-counter medications, and even some supplements, can sometimes cause setbacks in some of us who have become oversensitized. But one recovers from those setbacks and they are not permanent. Please don't worry about that.

 

All of the symptoms you describe are unfortunately quite common in withdrawal from psych meds. Taking other meds can temporarily destabilize the nervous system when it's trying to heal from withdrawal. That is why we usually recommend that people not try new things for the most part, while they are still healing. But that destabilization will not last. I think most of what you are experiencing is from the cold turkey.

 

The lack of sleep is agonizing. So is akathisia. I had both extremely severely for a long time, but I had no permanent harm from them. For a very long time I usually couldn't sleep more than 15 minutes at a time. If I could fall asleep at all. I didn't know people could survive such lack of sleep for so long. (For me it was more than 11 months.) It absolutely did not cause me any permanent harm.

 

As for the constant fear you have. That too is not uncommon in withdrawal. I was in a state of constant terror in withdrawal. There was no reason for it, and it was not something I had ever had before. Fortunately it has been gone for many years now.

 

I too thought I would be the exception who would never get better. My recovery took a long time, but I am able to sleep, don't have akathisia, and don't have constant terror or so many other horrible symptoms I thought would never go away.

 

I wish I could make your suffering less, but I am quite sure you will get better and get back to enjoying life again. I am - and I had given up that that could happen.

[Wildflower0214]

Hold your nerve. Keep on. You WILL heal

[melcita]

Thanks dave, jdm and brandy!!

 

II was given promethazine for 4 weeks in Feb that's a antipsych too. Then I was given 3-4 single doses of a German antipsychotic also in Feb March and april. I basically have had akathisia and 0-3 hrs sleep for 11 months then I was given that one dose in Nov which has put me into utter hell.

 

Have you read the akathisia blog before the people on there were in hell from a single dose for 1 year. ....which makes me fear I have to endure this another year because this my body won't endure, the lack of sleep.

 

As of the last single dose in April until Nov I had no relief ever.....that's why I was given it again because I thought it was the benzo, turns out it wasn't it was the ap or both I don't know.

 

 

It just freaks me out to the core that I was completely med free for 7 months (April until Nov) and I seriously had no improvement or else I wouldn't have taken a rescue dose.....doesn't that seem abnormal?

 

After already 11 months in utter hell I am so exhausted especially the sleep part is really not healthy anymore.

 

 

Sorry sorry for being so whiny and negative. ....

[btdt]

I don't know about the others here but I sure have been whiny negative and downright glum on sites like this so I get it. 

 

I don't have much to add but a thought that helped me change how I think about this. 

 

I think we are normal... 

we are normal people who are living with an abnormal state of being.  Any human who had to live with this state of being or drug reaction would respond in a like way. 

 

It is not unheard of to be months without sleep I lived through it and I am sure it was not a healthy thing for my body or brain but I did survive it and you will too. 

One thing that helped me as I was going thru that state of this trip was to lay still and rest as much as I could while the rest as much as possible. 

 

One other thing that helped me was a book called "the power of now"... the author had a chattering mind that sent him to the brink... he had a revelation that changed his life.  

I wish you peace and I hope things change for you soon.

[btdt]

Ok and is it normal being constant fear like absolutely no break ever? Ever,

No it is not normal none of this is it is an abnormal experience... but we are normal all trying to survive it all doing the best we can getting your head around this is a process it takes time.

peace 

[btdt]

Who could explain it scientifically to me how my fear is supposed to leave if I fear it and am convinced of permanent brain damage?

 

Thanks jonnad xx

 

I don't think anyone can do this damage well who knows even if it is true nothing is permanent your brain will change over time... every day all day long your healing even if you don't see any sign of it you are healing from the place you started to where you are now... healing has taken place.  

 

It is tricky to think about and there is a post on here I need to link to as it contains a video of the healing process and how it is like the rubics cube shifting and changing all the time. 

 

The brain that heals itself was a good book yet I can't recall much just this minute not sure if it was a book or a website.... of what it said except that the brain is always changing always healing always working hard so is your body.  I hope you find some peace around this issue as the more upset you are the more healing for me seem to stay away... 

 

I could not tolerate words or music in the first year but I found I could listen to the ocean on headphones that and heat on my spine was the first thing that soothed me ... a deep state of relaxation is the closest thing I could get to a healing state and I felt it like night and day. 

I wish you peace

[melcita]

Thanks it does sound logic apart from the being upset part and healing stays away I can't help but being upset all day everyday it sort of comes with it no?

[btdt]

Not always sometimes I could not get out of it and just had to wait for a long time I could not put a dint into any of the wd armor but I kept trying things reading books too and seeking ideas... I tried so many things that would have looked foolish maybe but I tried... when I found something that got me thru I applied it ...walking ...for a long time I could not walk I was too dizzy and could not breath right I should say I could not walk far so I walked around the house I set a timer every hour I would walk the entire house...sometimes I reset it.... it was the idea I was doing something.  

Food was a huge issue for me I could not keep food down or digest it and reacted to so much food... so I had to sort that out trial and error I could eat something one time and be ok the next not... it is a lot of trial and error. 

As soon as I found something that worked a bit then I had to see how much of it I could tolerate. 

I use to color in coloring books as I could not stand sounds or the light from the tv... coloring distracted me and as the therms in the books I bought were nice things puppys ect... it was good for me. I watched cartoons when I could finally watch tv... old movies about happy things. Doris day sort of stuff comedy rocks. if it is not too noisy.... tones bothered me as well as noise.  I spent a long time in bed months and eventually I had to get up... slowly gradually this alien life bit by bit started to look a bit more normal... I could eat enough things my stomach was working tho big and bloated... bit by bit this is how this all heals. 

It is a lot of work for little reward if we try to define reward as the rest of the world it would be no reward...in part it is accepting this is where your at and what are you going to do about it to help yourself and then the search begins.  Your here so you have started your search...but there are other places besides here there are books there are walks in the park at the beach ... there are a lot of books about healing using energy I tried a lot of them as I was not going the conventional route of drugs. 

I started with heat on my back cause it hurt like ..... and then the sound of the ocean to block out street noise it was all accidental that I found out it relaxed me and I felt different after... I did it every day sometimes several times a day. 

 

It is a seek and find what works for you. 

I wish you peace. 

[melcita]

I aslo try alot but I am so terrified of everything it's insane. In these 11 months I haven't found a way to calm down because I am so scared and I don't know why I don't believes stories of success I always think nope that's not you you took antipsychotics.

 

Thank as for letting me be here and not giving up on me just yet.

[ten0275]

melcita, hey.

 

no one will give up on you. can you do us a favor though? don't give up on yourself. try to hold back the catastrophic thinking - as much as possible. i know it isn't easy. but try to deal with the solid facts without hypothosizing on permanent damage, etc. catastrophizing only increases anxiety and  fear and therefore perpetuates the suffering. keep moving forward. don't give up on yourself.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[Wildflower0214]

No one will give up on u

[melcita]

It's so hard to dave....coming up to 12 month's in complete hell...no windows just a great big wave it doesn't give hope if you never ever have a window....and the suicidal ideation is hell...

 

How are you guys doing?

[Petunia]

I aslo try alot but I am so terrified of everything it's insane.

 

I was also terrified of everything.  I would have to force myself to go and sit on a chair in my back yard for 5 minutes but the whole time I was wanting to come back in the house because the trees and fence and birds and plants scared me.  If anything moved, my heart would beat faster and I would break out in a sweat.  I was trying to get some fresh air and sun, but it was overwhelming and I could never stay out longer than a few minutes.

 

Then I would come in the house and see a cup in the sink, that would scare me.  I couldn't take a shower because the thought of it was terrifying.  The sounds of voices, even those of my family would give me a rush of adrenaline.  Going into a grocery store to buy milk was like being in a living nightmare, it would take me two days to recover.

 

Its not something we can control, its our nervous system being over activated, its on high alert all the time, our senses our primed for danger and so everything is magnified.  The slightest thing signals danger and we go into fight or flight with all the physical symptoms.  But it calms down over time if you do the best you can to minimize stress and not do things which cause the terror.

 

I made the mistake of pushing myself to do more than I was ready to do.  Some of it was because I had to.  Only do pleasant calming things.  Not everything works for everyone.  Some people feel calm walking in nature, around a nice park.  But that terrified me.  Find the things which make you feel calmer and do them.  If you can't find anything which calms you, find something which distracts you.  I used to play a lot of mindless facebook games and listen to educational and spiritual talks on youtube, when I was able to listen to sounds, sometimes I couldn't stand listening to any sounds though.

 

Its going to take some time, but you will get better.  I also didn't believe that I was recovering, but I am, very slowly. I also didn't believe recovery stories.  I would think, "well, that is you, but I am different, I'm not going to recover and I will be sick like this for the rest of my life"  But its not true, I am getting better.  I also spent months not wanting to be alive because living was like being in a nightmare through every waking moment.  But slowly I got moments of starting to feel a little bit better.  That gave me hope that perhaps I was able to recover.

 

I didn't take anti psychotics, but I was on SSRIs for over 13 years and also a lot of other drugs which damaged my brain and nervous system.  It doesn't matter which drug causes the damage, the recovery process is going to be the same.  You are going to recover if you keep living, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

 

I'm doing better today than I was a year ago.  I went for a walk around a park, drove and bought some groceries, did some light exercise.  This time last year, doing those things was close to impossible, but today it wasn't so bad.

 

Hang in there, you will get through this, those windows will come if you give it more time.

[melcita]

Thanks petu. ...its just unbelievable people barely believe this anyway but only being on drugs for a few weeks and end up like this.....

 

I am 35 now was supposed to have children this year. My bf left me. It breaks my heart that I might never have kids because of this.

 

I just can't seem to be positive at all. I can only think all day everyday I don't want to do this anymore.

 

If I don't see a glimpse of light soon I'll snap my 2nd b day in hell is coming up

[ten0275]

Melcita, hey.

 

The fear can be very intense. I am so sorry you've had a twelve month taste of it. I remember when I was at month six, and then month eight, and then month twelve - so much pain and loss. For me, it felt like piling wounds atop wounds. I assumed it would never end. I felt destined to be one giant wound. But I'm not. You won't be either.

 

The loss of your boyfriend, not having children at the moment, etc. I see how that tally works. I had my own list. I had to start making another list. Even when the wounds were still piling. Even if that meant buying some flowers and setting them on the table and saying, "Well, I have some flowers." It actually works to get the ball rolling if you can focus on what you retain. Please don't think I am saying any of this is easy. It's not. I remember vividly. I now believe my better days are ahead of me. I hope you will come to believe that too for yourself.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[melcita]

Thanks dave, you are really nice....

 

Petu your fear, was it with you every single second?

 

I think I wouldn't be so freaked out if I weren't symptomatic all of the bloody time. Like really I had not one second of me in 1 year. Isn't that worrying?

[melcita]

This withdrawal is robbing all my selself esteem. I never had much to begin with...god I am so scared I will be like this forever to some extent. ..This is a disgrace.

I worry about everything.

[Songbird]

Try to remember this is not you.  It's like when there is a storm - dark clouds cover the sun, but the sun is still there behind the clouds, it doesn't go away, and eventually the clouds will clear.

[LoveandLight]

Totally understand. Totally rough on self esteem. I am just at the beginning of this journey so I don't, at the moment, have any answer really but just to say, I understand.

[melcita]

Thanks guys.....I just don't know how this is supposed to go away it seems impossible...

I have a underactive thyr old but it's looked after my be that's a reason I won't heal?

why oh why can't we believe in this? And what the healed people tell us?

[Brandy]

Thanks guys.....I just don't know how this is supposed to go away it seems impossible...

I have a underactive thyr old but it's looked after my be that's a reason I won't heal?

why oh why can't we believe in this? And what the healed people tell us?

 

I couldn't imagine it all going away too, but I had the symptoms you describe and they did go away. It took time, though.

 

But when you mention your underactive thyroid is being looked after --

 

No, that won't stop you from healing. Many people with low thyroid have healed from withdrawal.

 

But I strongly urge you to get your thyroid levels re-checked if you haven't recently. T3, T4, and TSH, and any other tests your doctor might feel appropriate.

 

I developed low thyroid while on paxil and was put on thyroid medication. After going off paxil, I realized my medication increased my withdrawal symptoms soon after taking my dose each day. I asked my doctor if it would be dangerous to decrease my thyroid med a bit. He lowered my dose and subsequent tests showed that doing so did not affect my thyroid levels. He took me off thyroid completely, and my thyroid has continued to be normal eight years later, after repeated tests.

 

(The same thing may have happened in my late mother's case. I don't know for sure. She too was taken off thyroid after developing low thyroid while on paxil, but her medical conditions were so severe and complex I don't know the reason her medication was removed at the end of her life. I do know that she had been taken off paxil and effexor.)

 

Please know that this what happened with me is rare, but it shows these meds apparently can affect thyroid levels. Even if you have a genuine thyroid condition that requires medication (as many people do), you possibly might find that you require less. If that is the case, it might explain some degree of your withdrawal symptoms, though you will still have symptoms while you finish healing from withdrawal, as I did.

 

IMPORTANT - DO NOT stop or reduce your dose without doctor's guidance. That could be dangerous! No one reading this should try that. I am just suggesting that you recheck your levels to see if the dosage needs to be adjusted.

[melcita]

Hhmmm that's difficult since my doctor does not believe in withdrawal

so maybe I won't heal on thyroxine then?

 

What do I do then?my thyroid conditon didn't come from the meds I had it before.....

 

 

What do you mean still have symptoms when finished healing?

[human]

Hi Melcita. I had a sleepless months, a year actually, as well when I was able to sleep just every other night for most of the time. Yet I'm still here and things are much better now. Insomnia makes all the negative things worse as you know, but once your body will go back to "normal", you'll be better too I believe. You might help your body a bit with adding some extra magnesium and B vitamins on your plate. I hope the worse will go away soon. Take care girl and stay strong.

[melcita]

Thanks! The suicidal ideation is just so brutal I don't know what to do with myself all day......

[ten0275]

The suicidal ideation is so intense, isn't it? I don't know how other people experience it but for me, when it was at its worst, it was an intrusive thought that felt like an impulse. That is to say, I remember one day having to remove extension chords from my entertainment center - the sight of them made me want to hang myself. Except I didn't want to hang myself. But I had the ideation to, the impulse to - and THAT is what became the fear-inducer. That's how it was for me, except that far from being an isolated occurrence, it was every waking moment for the better part of six to eight months. Driving, I wanted to steer into trees. Walking, I wanted to throw myself in front of a car or train. I'd be shaving with a razor and... You get the idea. But I knew it was ideation because the thought of actually doing it was terrifying, despite feeling drawn to it. I have no idea if this makes sense. But I hope it does. It was exhausting.

 

I hope you rally soon. I know it will pass for you too, melcita, as it did for me and others. It takes time and unfortunately, different spans for each of us.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[btdt]

The suicidal ideation is so intense, isn't it? I don't know how other people experience it but for me, when it was at its worst, it was an intrusive thought that felt like an impulse. That is to say, I remember one day having to remove extension chords from my entertainment center - the sight of them made me want to hang myself. Except I didn't want to hang myself. But I had the ideation to, the impulse to - and THAT is what became the fear-inducer. That's how it was for me, except that far from being an isolated occurrence, it was every waking moment for the better part of six to eight months. Driving, I wanted to steer into trees. Walking, I wanted to throw myself in front of a car or train. I'd be shaving with a razor and... You get the idea. But I knew it was ideation because the thought of actually doing it was terrifying, despite feeling drawn to it. I have no idea if this makes sense. But I hope it does. It was exhausting.

 

I hope you rally soon. I know it will pass for you too, melcita, as it did for me and others. It takes time and unfortunately, different spans f

 

Thanks! The suicidal ideation is just so brutal I don't know what to do with myself all day......

I recall being there.. not knowing what to do with a day.  I had worked a lot so to be not working was odd.  A lot depends on your abilities... what you can tolerate light sound noise... exercise.   

Developing things that match your symptoms comes to mind as even if they go they come back and you will have a tool in your pocket for the next time they come. 

When I am in a withdrawn frame of mind I like the library as nobody bugs me there.  I can't get to the fav one now as I no longer have a car... but there is another that will do in a pinch.  You could check for books on antidepressants or different modes of healing or whatever else may interest you........ I know books are not a big deal now that the web is here but I still like them and the library... maybe because I know the rules there and I feel safe. 

That is just one idea peace

[melcita]

Btdt and dave thanks Yes that's how I feel since 11 months now......and no relief in sight.

Haven't slept more than 3 hours a night for 12 month's.

The thing is I could do this for 11 months but I can't do it this intense for another year.....

 

You are very nice thank you very much for your suggestions.

 

 

Brandy could you tell me more about the thyroid please. I asked some questions above.

[Songbird]

The thing is I could do this for 11 months but I can't do it this intense for another year.....

 

 

Don't assume it will be this intense for another whole year.  Just take one day at a time.

[Brandy]

 

Thanks guys.....I just don't know how this is supposed to go away it seems impossible...

I have a underactive thyr old but it's looked after my be that's a reason I won't heal?

why oh why can't we believe in this? And what the healed people tell us?

 

I couldn't imagine it all going away too, but I had the symptoms you describe and they did go away. It took time, though.

 

But when you mention your underactive thyroid is being looked after --

 

No, that won't stop you from healing. Many people with low thyroid have healed from withdrawal.

 

But I strongly urge you to get your thyroid levels re-checked if you haven't recently. T3, T4, and TSH, and any other tests your doctor might feel appropriate.

 

I developed low thyroid while on paxil and was put on thyroid medication. After going off paxil, I realized my medication increased my withdrawal symptoms soon after taking my dose each day. I asked my doctor if it would be dangerous to decrease my thyroid med a bit. He lowered my dose and subsequent tests showed that doing so did not affect my thyroid levels. He took me off thyroid completely, and my thyroid has continued to be normal eight years later, after repeated tests.

 

(The same thing may have happened in my late mother's case. I don't know for sure. She too was taken off thyroid after developing low thyroid while on paxil, but her medical conditions were so severe and complex I don't know the reason her medication was removed at the end of her life. I do know that she had been taken off paxil and effexor.)

 

Please know that this what happened with me is rare, but it shows these meds apparently can affect thyroid levels. Even if you have a genuine thyroid condition that requires medication (as many people do), you possibly might find that you require less. If that is the case, it might explain some degree of your withdrawal symptoms, though you will still have symptoms while you finish healing from withdrawal, as I did.

 

IMPORTANT - DO NOT stop or reduce your dose without doctor's guidance. That could be dangerous! No one reading this should try that. I am just suggesting that you recheck your levels to see if the dosage needs to be adjusted.

 

 

Hhmmm that's difficult since my doctor does not believe in withdrawal

so maybe I won't heal on thyroxine then?

 

What do I do then?my thyroid conditon didn't come from the meds I had it before.....

 

 

What do you mean still have symptoms when finished healing?

 

 

I'm so sorry I wasn't clear earlier.

 

Thyroid problems have nothing to do with healing. You will heal even if you have thyroid problems!

 

I just meant that if you haven't had your thyroid checked recently, the level might have changed. (This happens sometimes even when one is not in withdrawal.) When I went into withdrawal, I didn't even go to my doctor for more than six months. It had been even longer since I had had my thyroid level checked. I was in such a horrible state in withdrawal I didn't care, didn't think about routine care like that.

 

I thought you might not have had your level checked as often as you're supposed to. If so, making sure your levels hadn't changed would be a good idea.

 

If you had them checked when you should, then just ignore what I wrote.

 

Please don't worry. These feelings are very frightening when we don't expect them. We've all been through that!

 

But you will heal. Don't worry, and just give it a little more time. Time is the key!

 

[LoveandLight]

Hiya I'm sorry for what your going through. Yes, do not assume that it will be another year that you will be going through it. You don't know and from here it can just get better, it sounds like it cannot get worse. So only upwards from here.

 

Thinking of you x

[melcita]

Thanks joannad and brandy,

 

 

I havent cursed so much in my life ever and in german it sounds all the more aggressive lol.

 

I had the tsh checked every few weeks, I know that one isn't very precise and the t3 and to i thin twice this year.

 

 

I was only wondering about the part were you said that the thyroxine refd up you symptoms, this I have heard before.

 

And what did you mean you will still have symptoms when finished healing? Thyroid symptoms likes fatigue etc. I am just wondering since the thyroid is linked to the cortisol and hpa axis etc. I just read stuff I only half understand.

 

Thanks guys for helping me.

 

Xx

[ten0275]

melcita,

 

just a quick word to say you gave me a laugh this morning and as those can be hard to come by, i appreciate it. the thought of your aggressive german cursing, and your ability to not only observe it, and laugh out loud at it, is really great.

 

i have to admit, when my ears were finally ready for music again, rammstein came in very handy when trying to workout my aggression. "Stein Um Stein!"

 

hang in there.

 

dave