aberdeen Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Kitty I relate as usual to all of your experiences. I too have flickers of a new more grounded version of the old me...and I WANT it to stay. I want to be that way so much, yet it cant be willed. So annoying. If only will was enough, as people who have never been here seem to think is so. Ugh. Precious time wasted down a drain, absolutely, especially with young kids. That is a danger zone for me, I cant allow my thoughts to go there, because its too much to bear, thinking my one shot at motherhood was smeared by this experience. I have to slam that thought down hard. its the only one that threatens to over take me...everything else i seem to manage ok. I pray this finishes up for us all sooner than later. Stay warm!! Cold up here tonight too. 2 Timothy 1-7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Effexor 75mg to 262.5mg 2005-2010 for post partum depression Started having poop out mid 2010, also switched generic brands, then crashed in Dec 2010 (anxiety/ "terror", intense DR, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chills, insomnia, horrible intrusive thoughts, disorientation, ect)Rapid "tapered" from 262.5mg Effexor in 3 months Tried Celexa,Cipralex, then Paxil to deal with wd(this switching made things worse and added akathesia) Found online support and started tapering Paxil 7 months after quitting Effexor (at this point was having small windows). Paxil taper: dropped 10% every 4-8 weeks Year 1 October 2011 to Nov 2012 20mg to 10mg Year 2 March 2013 to Feb 2014 10mg to 4mg Year 3 April 2014 to May 2015 4mg to 1.1mg Year 4 June 2015 1.1mg , dropping by 10% until .5mg, after then dropped by 0.1mg every 5 weeks until 0.1mg. Finished! Official last dose of 0.1mg on June 15/16 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I'm venting and complaining in this post, so, just a warning..... Sometimes, (too many times), whatever odd, unnatural, chemical mixture I am experiencing creates the most bizarre feelings. I can't describe them at all and they are really nightmare-ishly creepy. That's as close as I can get. I try and tell myself that it's just the weird mixture at the moment....but, it's so mean and scary. Usually it passes within a few moments, sometimes a bit longer. But, just the fact that it CAN happen is disturbing. This whole w/d experience has brought that idea up, that something like this could happen to us humans AT ALL. I never could have imagined anything like this would even be possible and I'm sure no one else going through this ever did either. No wonder we can't explain it to other people. I can't explain most of it to myself either. I'm in a constant state of bewilderment to find myself in this mess. Again, things are less intense. I realize this now and then when I do remember just how much worse it was. But, for me, it's like a painful wound, that is very slowly becoming less so, but, pain is pain, and it still hurts. If only that was all it was. But, this situation has changed my whole life so much, taken away so much, that I don't have any direction or purpose....I have SO much to repair once I'm though this. I imagine I'm not alone in that. I'm sorry to complain, I really am. I could be in worse circumstances. I guess I feel useless and it's made me aware that being useful is important to me...probably to anyone. I felt like I had a PLACE before this all happened. Now, I'm just lost. I also tell myself that these feelings are PART of this recovery, that they are just a manifestation of the chaos that is necessary for the rewiring and reconstruction going on. For some reason it's taking my system an awfully long time to do this and I don't think it's because I'm more complicated or something. It likes to tell me that I'm not much of anything, but, that's the w/d talking again. I find I run into these times of total misery periodically and it seems to be necessary somehow....like I need to just let the feelings and thoughts have their say so they can leave. It's like they pile up and have to be let out. I spend a lot of time "changing the channel" and trying to not think that way, but, like I said, it seems to pile up and I can't avoid it any longer. Unfortunately, once the flood gates of the despair have been opened, my life feels totally hopeless and as we all know, that is a horrible place to be. I'm ashamed that I haven't figured out how to handle this better. It's embarrassing. I can't talk to anyone, can't afford to find someone to pay to listen....so, I'm putting it here. I do have better days and they are slowly increasing. By better, they are not great, but, certainly a far cry from what my days use to be like. It seems like my system is sluggishly heading towards being recovered, but, it's carrying the alien, intolerable parts all the way down. It keeps me afraid that it will never be gone...and again, that's a w/d mind idea....I know. It all feels so completely real when it's "on stage" though, doesn't it? I do get little moments of what I think I can call pleasure...they're little pinholes of Light coming up here and there. The rest of the time it's that w/d neutral...not really bad, but not great either. I think just the knowledge that I'm still in the battle really ruins a lot of my better times. But, there are times when even in my now w/d pessimism, I CAN say...."See, right at this moment you feel okay, like a normal person, so it IS POSSIBLE that you are going to make it". I use those times like a lighthouse...to remember that I felt good enough to be able to say that because later, when the wavy stuff comes back, I won't remember what it felt like to feel good, but, I will remember that I said I did. I do have to remind myself over and over that I have been really messed up compared to now, for at least the first 3 to 4 years. I've read about other people who were in the same boat, too. Most folks heal faster than this. Mainly, it's the anhedonia and lack of joy I'm still encumbered with. But, without that joy and without having enthusiasm for LIFE....well, it makes it very hard to make a life, doesn't it? This is the stuff I can't get the people I live with to realize and really, they don't need to. I only want them to understand what I'm up against. It just makes such a difference to feel like you belong here and that you have a reason to be here...in this life, for YOURSELF. But all this rambling on doesn't change anything. I still have to face everyday the way it is, the way I am But if any of the glimpses of the new, positive person I "COULD" be are true that I've had...well....I can't wait for that day....even though I just HAVE TO WAIT. Sorry for the whining...... Have a KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted January 13, 2015 Moderator Share Posted January 13, 2015 That was very upbeat in a downer sort of way. You have come such a long ways from just a year ago Kitty, the difference is amazing. I am so glad that you can see it. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 That was very upbeat in a downer sort of way. You have come such a long ways from just a year ago Kitty, the difference is amazing. I am so glad that you can see it. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) I wish I could see that the way you do. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 I've noticed for a while that I sure have less stamina than normal. I also get breathless. Sometimes it's not like that, sometimes I'm okay, but, it's weird. It comes and goes. I've read that this can also be a w/d symptom. It's exasperating...so many parts of me have been affected. Anyway, it's something else to look forward to getting past. I forgot about using affirmations, too...they do help when the intrusive thoughts show up. If I let them have center stage, then I'm listening to "negative" affirmations and that's the worst thing I could be doing. So, I need to remember...to chant the good stuff to myself when the negative gets pushy. Guess we ARE learning a lot of coping skills during this experience that we might not have otherwise...because this experience is so invasive, we HAVE to find better ways in order to survive it. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Ever Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You are so right Kitty - all the feelings are so REAL. It's impossible to believe they're NOT real when you're in the middle of them. Then, when you get a better moment - it's hard to believe that you really felt that way.... Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 There are times, like this morning, when I can't think rationally at all. I try to put things into perspective and I get nowhere. The negative, intrusive thinking won't allow it. So, I have to disregard nearly every idea I have. At these times I don't know what to do, because I can't think productively about ANYTHING.. I got to sleep late and woke up at 4 am with the intrusive thoughts jabbing away at me. I wish there was an off switch. This is another condition that is not easily explained to others. I don't like relating the negative stuff here, but, in hopes that soon it will change, I'll have a record of when I was stuck in what state. I have work to do today so I hope this settles down. I wish I had better things to say and I'm sorry that I don't.. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I'm also having a lot of personal issues with the people who now live with me. I don't know if it's because I'm so overly sensitive due to the w/d (probably...), or if I'm really being taken advantage of. Anyway, it's only adding to the stress I already have. I wish I could get through the rest of this recovery somewhere else where I can do what I need to do for MYSELF. At the moment, that's not possible and I keep finding myself in one confusing upset after another and the intrusive mind BS is only making it worse. I don't know what is valid and what isn't. I overreact WAY too much to the smallest things...inconsideration and the like. I get insulted so easily....and then way, way too upset, all of which I keep to myself. I use to be able to handle situations and make them better, but, I just can't seem to do that at all now. It's so weird how this w/d mind can twist the smallest infraction into a giant mountain of crap. I'm bewildered at how little effect I have on any of this. People use to come to ME to help them solve their relationship problems and now, I can't make sense of my own situation. I have such an overwhelming feeling of being unwanted and un-liked that it is contaminating everything else. If I'm carrying that around all the time, it has to be affecting other people. Just wondered if anyone else has problems figuring out this sort of stuff as well. If I was the real ME, this would NOT be happening. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 This all seems like more of a wave again. They keep sneaking up on me from w/d neutral and it takes me a few days to realize it. Outside factors don't help at all as everything gets exaggerated out of proportion. It took me three tries to spell proportion. Good grief! Oh Body, if you would just LISTEN to me. Please calm down and let yourself heal without all this drama..... KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted January 18, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted January 18, 2015 I use to be able to handle situations and make them better, but, I just can't seem to do that at all now. It's so weird how this w/d mind can twist the smallest infraction into a giant mountain of crap. I'm bewildered at how little effect I have on any of this. People use to come to ME to help them solve their relationship problems and now, I can't make sense of my own situation. Its the same for me Kitty, I used to be able to handle things so much better, but I've become like a 5 year old again, overwhelmed by how confusing the world and relationships are. Please don't apologize for what you write, I'm sure many people can relate to what you are feeling and it helps all who are going through the same things to not feel so alone. So much of what you have written I could say about myself and you express it so well. How long were you on Paxil for, before you quit? I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thanks, Petu.... I was on the Paxil about 8 years. Lately I've had to pull out my copy of "Hope and Help for you Nerves" and reread it some more. I find more information every time even though I've read it many times. As I "progress" to different areas of this recovery, Dr. Weekes words make new meaning. The crazy thinking and feeling like a 5 year old (good description, by the way), are all part of our exhausted nerves and emotions. The waves I have lately do surprise me...I don't realize for a day or so that that IS what is going on....maybe because I don't expect to fall that far back down the hole again so I get scared.. Once I realize it's a wave some of the fear drops away. My biggest symptom anymore seems to be fear and I'm really sick of it. I want to believe I feel it because my brain is working on that part of my system, making more adjustments and in the process, the fear is being stimulated. It's such dumb fear, too. It pops up over just about everything. It would be laughable except for the fact that it feels 200% real and justified. And that's scary, too. It gets me coming and going. I keep repeating that I am better than I was the first 3 years or so...a lot of nasty stuff has lessened or gone away altogether. I'm just not out of this YET. And, what's left is still very annoying and uncomfortable. I "use" to be an artist and once I CAN be one again, can have joy in it again instead of anxiety and not be afraid anymore, I will feel like I'm finally on my way to being done with this nightmare. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Ever Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Kitty you write so well. Many of your posts bring back memories for me - the not realising what was happening. This would happen to me for weeks and sometimes months! Then I'd feel stupid for not recognising what was so obvious. But the feeling of relief was bigger than the stupid - it was like "Oh Thank Goodness - it's not ME!" - I'm not #### in the head, it's this damn drug again. Wishing you better days ahead soon. Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
direstraits Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 wow -you've been off this stuff for almost 6 yrs.& still having problems.I've been off 8 mos.& feel like I can't take much more of this.did you ever have trouble w/your eyes-like blinking or burning-the fatigue is awful,too-I only tookit for 6 mos. but that was enough to mess me up.sorry you've suffered so long! went on Prozac 1994-99,60mg.poopout ct back on 2001-2002,prozac weekly 2002,not working,Effexor 75 mg.?2003-mar.2004 gaining weight 8wk. taper,wellbutrin 150 mg.mar. -may 2004 ctmedfree til july 2005 back to Prozac gaining weight again,back on wellbutrin jan.2006150-300 mg.bad constipation.also was taking aygestin(hormone)perimenopausal irregular bleeding.back on Prozac around sept,?2006,hysterectomy jan30.2007(adenomyosis)off&on Prozac til 2009,citalopram about 1 mo, April 2010 no effect,Effexor again may -mar, 2011.ct,Prozac aug,-dec, 2011 &sept-nov 2012,paroxetine oct,23 2013-may 4 2014 20 mgs.tapered 6 wks.-failed RI in Oct.2014-in protracted WD.started 10 mgs. Fluoxetine May 25 2021 .Stopped fluoxetine May 2022 at 5 mgs. Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 wow -you've been off this stuff for almost 6 yrs.& still having problems.I've been off 8 mos.& feel like I can't take much more of this.did you ever have trouble w/your eyes-like blinking or burning-the fatigue is awful,too-I only tookit for 6 mos. but that was enough to mess me up.sorry you've suffered so long! I TRUELY do not believe you will take long to recover at all, so, don't think so. You haven't been on the stuff long at all. And, yes....I did have eye issues, my vision would change a lot...from blurry to okay to better then back again. It's just part of the w/d symptoms... KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Kitty you write so well. Many of your posts bring back memories for me - the not realising what was happening. This would happen to me for weeks and sometimes months! Then I'd feel stupid for not recognising what was so obvious. But the feeling of relief was bigger than the stupid - it was like "Oh Thank Goodness - it's not ME!" - I'm not #### in the head, it's this damn drug again. Wishing you better days ahead soon. Thanks, Ever....it always feels better to have someone else recognize the same symptoms. If I remember correctly, you have horses....I use to,too, most of my life and I sure miss riding and all. Every time I see your posts, I think of that. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Evidently I'm having a wave that is all about the anxiety and that shaky feeling inside, the surges of adrenalin some palpitations... They come and go...episodes off and on. Some of the symptoms I haven't quite experienced before. Whenever these symptoms morph into something different, it's always upsetting. This being an anxiety wave only adds to the already upped nervousness. I sure hope this is some last tinkering going on, some last adjustments being made. I'm fed up with this stuff scaring me. So many other things have improved and subsided....hopefully this will soon as well. Boy, this is one testing ride... It amazes me that all of us on this journey have the strength that we do...even though we don't feel strong. Just to keep going in spite of everything. I keep thinking of those t-shirts that say something like "I survived...'whatever it is'..." Except for the fact that we'd all want to forget this episode in our lives....we could be passively getting the word out about ssri withdrawal..Just a dumb idea I guess and I'm sure it's not original. Oh well............ KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted January 20, 2015 Moderator Share Posted January 20, 2015 The moment I feel an adrenalin surge or palp I stop everything take a deep breath, center, and let it all out with my breath then go on with what ever I was doing as if nothing has happened. It has really helped cut down their intensity and frequency. Over all it sounds like you're doing a whole lot better, I'm so glad that things are improving. The artist is still in there and probably ready to start peeking out a bit. Right now it isn't important what you create or how well you create it. It's the act itself, getting your hands dirty, rediscovering the sensuality of the material and processes. Just by doing the joy will show itself over time. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 The moment I feel an adrenalin surge or palp I stop everything take a deep breath, center, and let it all out with my breath then go on with what ever I was doing as if nothing has happened. It has really helped cut down their intensity and frequency. Over all it sounds like you're doing a whole lot better, I'm so glad that things are improving. The artist is still in there and probably ready to start peeking out a bit. Right now it isn't important what you create or how well you create it. It's the act itself, getting your hands dirty, rediscovering the sensuality of the material and processes. Just by doing the joy will show itself over time. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks so much, Brass. It's so kind of you to say I'll find myself again. It sure doesn't feel like it, but, I also know that these w/d feelings and episodes ALWAYS feel totally true, even though they are phantoms. I will try your technique to deal with the anxiety and flutters. So often it's hard to know what to do with a symptom, if anything at all. So, thanks. And ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) to you, too. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Ever Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 "I SURVIVED ANTIDEPRESSANT WITHDRAWAL" Omg KittyQ - I love it! I really do! When I get there, I'm going to do this - a T-shirt! Then I can tell our stories and get the bloody word out. Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 "I SURVIVED ANTIDEPRESSANT WITHDRAWAL" Omg KittyQ - I love it! I really do! When I get there, I'm going to do this - a T-shirt! Then I can tell our stories and get the bloody word out. Hey, way cool! I thought about designing something myself. I bet it WOULD do some good. I "think" I'm feeling better now...it's always tricky to make statements like that giving the way w/d works, but, I'm calmer than I was. And, Brass's suggestion of stopping, taking a deep breath, letting it out and centering yourself, then resuming whatever you were doing works for lots of things. Those icky, weird feeling that just suddenly wave over you, intruding thoughts...and so forth. I've tried it on whatever comes up and it really does help. Puts me back in present time and away from wherever the w/d mind was trying to take me. So, thanks again, Brass. You're a treasure! KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Ever Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He sure is a treasure - I so agree KittyQ. I am really rather excited about a T-shirt. I do think it will make a difference - it will begin people talking about it, disagreeing, agreeing, and in the end more and more people will check it out and realise that what they've been suffering from for years is ad withdrawal. In the end it has to make a difference - one person at a time. Quite excited and I don't have THAT far to go I think! Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 He sure is a treasure - I so agree KittyQ. I am really rather excited about a T-shirt. I do think it will make a difference - it will begin people talking about it, disagreeing, agreeing, and in the end more and more people will check it out and realise that what they've been suffering from for years is ad withdrawal. In the end it has to make a difference - one person at a time. Quite excited and I don't have THAT far to go I think! Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I feel the same way. Now if I could just get my "artistic-ness" back, I might get somewhere with it. .... KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
coldturkmama Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Butter spread too thin over toast. It is a really good description. I have felt that way a lot over the past several years. Just wanted to say hi Hope everyone is doi g well. This isnt a fun ride....I kinda wanna get off now lol Paxil 20mg from 1998-2011 Paxil 40mg from 2011-2012 while experiencing poopout October 2013 quit cold turkey Oct-mid Nov 2013 great window Late November WD nightmare Windows and waves pattern Now: 28 months cold turkey...doing decent learning to deal with the windows/waves pattern fighting it every step of the way. Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I've been having a lot of the w/d related health anxiety lately, too. It's driving me nuts. It will come up with crazy ideas over the dumbest things. Even though I keep reminding myself of the several issues that use to scare me, that turned out to be nothing and are now GONE, it doesn't make any difference. It just keeps it up, switching from one thing to the next. Even after some things have been resolved and are gone, it (my w/d "dumb" mind) still keeps trying to "use" them to scare me as if they were still there. It takes some weeks for it to finally realize it can't use that anymore. Do I sound crazy, or what? KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Also, in reference to my last post, no amount of reasoning seems to have any effect on the continual worrying. In the past, I COULD logically resolve these worries, but, not during this w/d experience. It is SO stubborn...this jibbering, babbling, imbecile-ic mind creature that won't listen to me. It has been proven wrong over and over, yet, it doesn't matter to "IT".. Just venting. It occurred to me that as the layers of symptoms become thinner, I am more aware of what is still present. Before, there were so many layers affecting me at once, I was too overwhelmed to single much out other than feeling awful and being yanked one way and then another.. That's highly simplified but it's something like that. It seems now there is more "space" for the remaining symptoms to express themselves and they feel REALLY potent. I don't know....it was just an idea for why I am still so fed up in spite of the improvements. I've recently been reading "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". It is bringing up many, many issues I've wrestled with during this experience....in trying to explain WHY. I'm not finished with it yet, so, I'll have to see where it concludes when I do. I've read so many different books...looking for any kind of explanation or things that would help me get through this. Yet, over and over I always get to a point where it doesn't really work because of the nature of the W/D itself. It's so outside of most techniques. We are the pioneers, the lab rats, the guinea pigs of this whole "adventure". Gee, aren't we lucky??? KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Ever Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 One thing that kept me going is the thought that this experience would help make me a better person in the end. I'm not so sure about that now. Now I feel ok, it gets harder as time goes on to remember how bad it was. Until I read posts like yours KittyQ. Then I remember and occasionally, I find something that I can help a little with, even if it's just a tiny bit, even just letting people know I'm listening ..... Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted January 22, 2015 Moderator Share Posted January 22, 2015 I've been noticing the same sort of thing as I get lower in dose. As the symptoms sort themselves out and subside the ones that are left are more prominent and demand more attention, even though they are not nearly as bad as they once were. In general I am feeling so much better that any little flare up feel big. Once that concept sunk in I was able to feel really good about how far I have come. The only down side is that I can clearly see how far I still have to go. One thing I learned, when I use to climb mountains for fun back during my misspent youth, was not to look at the top of the mountain while climbing, but to wait until I was almost there before concentrating on it. The sense of lack of progress watching the top created made the physical effort so much more strenuous. It was much more pleasant to watch my footing and enjoy the alpine beauty surrounding me, than to concentrate wholly on the goal. There was an area on each mountain that required sheer will power to get through. But once past a certain altitude things broke, the going got easier, the goal came into sight and the scenery amazing. I am feeling a similar experience on this journey. 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
Ever Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Tom, you are so wise. I think you swallowed an owl. Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989. Recovered. Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000. Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero. Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me. Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal. Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever. Feeling good:). 7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg 28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 Oh you guys, Ever and Brass, I'm so thankful you are here listening. Yep, Brass, that's it entirely....I also can see how far I still have to go at times. You can see across the river to the other side, but, you still have to get across the unknown waters. It also puts into relief just how thick what I've already been through was and I'm amazed I made it this far at all. There are still hurdles to get over, though. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Currently I'm waiting on the results of medical tests I had done. There were some symptoms I felt I couldn't "wait" to go away without having someone check me out. I haven't seen anyone since 2012 due to how I was treated.. At least the doctor I saw DID acknowledge that withdrawal is REAL this time and that I wasn't crazy...!!!! It's the same clinic I went to originally, but they HAVE learned something in the last 6 years. However, I still DO NOT TRUST what they may tell me automatically. But, I finally had labs done so maybe I'll find out if I do have any deficiencies like so many others going thought this have found to be the case. I'm very nervous, though. I only want to use natural substances....no more of their lab created garbage. It may all turn out fine and it's a good thing to have these things checked. I just hope they'll work with me this time...and it seems like they might. I just don't know, though and it's keeping me upset. KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted January 30, 2015 Moderator Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hi Kitty-- learning to trust again is a tough one, especially after what we have been through. It is a very positive sign that they acknowledge WD as real. I'll keep my fingers crossed for positive ,as in good, results. I've had dealings with doctors several times in the past couple of weeks and noticed that I am not trusting in the least, and this was for actual physical stuff too, not the drug type things. Once you know if there is something out of whack then there will be a bunch of different options to bring things back into line. This is a good time not to play "what if". BTW it is an excellent sign that things are improving that you went and had the tests done. Way to go. Be sure to let us know how things turn out. 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
KittyQ Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hi Kitty-- learning to trust again is a tough one, especially after what we have been through. It is a very positive sign that they acknowledge WD as real. I'll keep my fingers crossed for positive ,as in good, results. I've had dealings with doctors several times in the past couple of weeks and noticed that I am not trusting in the least, and this was for actual physical stuff too, not the drug type things. Once you know if there is something out of whack then there will be a bunch of different options to bring things back into line. This is a good time not to play "what if". BTW it is an excellent sign that things are improving that you went and had the tests done. Way to go. Be sure to let us know how things turn out. Yeah...the "what if" stuff...if by that you mean imagining all the things that could be wrong....well, it's hard to shut that all up, but, I'm trying to not let it get carried away. There is a certain amount of post stress with this whole experience that will take time to finally go. That just goes with the territory. Thanks for the good wishes....!!! KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Just bumping my journal so I can find it. Still waiting on results and appointments and so forth, so, nothing I want to share as yet. Of course my over sensitized cns is making the waiting and not knowing for sure what is going on very, very difficult, but, I'm not surprised. I wish it wouldn't DO that....though. KittyQ KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
KittyQ Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Still waiting on doctor appointments and results of tests....just checking things out. It sounds simple, but, my distrust of the medical industry is huge and the fear monster is having a field day with me over all the possible results. I try to control that as much as I can, but, it just gets to me after awhile and I sort of crash. If it weren't for this current health concern, which may turn out to be no big deal, I think I'd be doing pretty well in my recovery. So far, my blood pressure and cholesterol are just a little high...and that can be handled with diet.... There's some other things I'm still having checked out, yet. But, as we all know, the amygdala goes crazy with anything it can...it seems, and makes coping with it very difficult. I am so fed up with it all. But, like I said, there are signs that under this current "challenge", the w/d recovery is on going. I just wish I didn't have to cope with this fear, especially in the mornings. It's WAY, WAY better than it use to be, but, it is still the worst part of the day.....with the evenings feeling "almost" normal....except for the doctor stuff. Hopefully soon I will be off this current bump in the road and on my way again. I'll say one thing, though. The shock of having to go to doctors and have weird tests has knocked me out of the misery rut I felt I was stuck in. I felt so awful for so long, it had become my normal and I realized part of me just expected to feel that way, like I was supposed to feel bad. It was my go to feeling....and that was NOT a good habit at all. I understand why I had gotten like that....it's hard not to going through this stuff, but, I needed to snap out of it. I hope I have.... KittyQ KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted February 18, 2015 Moderator Share Posted February 18, 2015 The waiting is the tough part. Hope all the labs come out well. Just had mine done and only have a couple of minor things to look at. Being paged for work. (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
KittyQ Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 I just looked up "ascension symptoms"....just for the heck of it. It's a VERY INTERESTING AND FAMILIAR LIST.... KittyQ KittyQ CT off paxil-April 2009 Link to comment
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