Swedishgirl: Neurotic Swedishgirl's struggles with weight and bitterness. Still.

[Swedishgirl]

The shortening for surviving antidepressants could be S.A.D. which is think is a suitable name - It's SAD that millions of people are being put on these drugs, and it's horrible that so few people are trying to do anything about it. I know we all know this already, but I felt that I wanted to write about it first in my journal to inform anyone who might be wondering that I'm completely against these (and many other) drugs. I don't think they ever shall be prescribed to anybody.

 

About me: I'm a Danish girl (just kidding) who's 26 years old. I come from PP and I got the best support on that webpage. I was put on multiple drugs when I was nineteen (remeron, lithium, benzos, cyprexa, risperdal, sleeping pills, etc), that I took for around three months while being hospitalised. I'm a completely healthy and sane girl, but I got panic attacks when I was nineteen, and that was reason enough to put me on that cocktail of drugs, thought the doctors. Anyway, after three months I quitted all drugs cold turkey. I knew nothing about withdrawal, or drugs for that matter, at that point. I had extreme anxiety for about a year after quitting the drugs, which I now know was because of withdrawal, but I didn't know that then. During that year I also took benzos now and then, which I know contributed to my extreme anxiety, though once again I didn't knew that then.

Between age 20-23 I had a good life, went to university and was pretty much back to normal. Though I'd developed an eating disorder when I was put on the drugs as a nineteen year old - I gained 25 kg in three months when I was hospitalised, and when I had to diet away those kilograms I developed BED, and switched between binging and starving. (I never became bulimic though, thank god).

 

I don't want to write a too long post, so I'll try to write shorter from now on.

When I was 23 I met a doctor who was an idiot (like so many of those white coats are. Yeah, I've lost trust in doctors) who put me on Prozac for no good reason at all. (In my opinion there's never any reason to put one on antidepressants, but still). I've always been an outgoing girl, I've been a dance teacher for many years, I love socialising and is the opposite of shy, but the Prozac changed this completely. Prozac made me an anxious and lazy idiot who quitted school and didn't do anything but eat and spend money. What's worse is that I didn't realise it was Prozac who was the problem, god I almost didn't realise I had a problem! During a period of three months I spent 80000 Swedish kronor on NOTHING. I was on Prozac between one and three months (can't remember), before I quitted it. The problem was that now I was in withdrawal without knowing about it, and after around eight months I had a horrible wave, met a doctor, was prescribed Prozac again, took it for a very short period (less than a week), THEN realised I'd been in withdrawal the whole time and that Prozac had been the problem the whole time. A couple of months after my adverse reaction to Prozac, I found pp. I was an anxious, bitter, neurotic, sometimes suicidal, slightly hysterical poster on pp, but I'm planning to be a slightly less anxious, bitter, neurotic, suicidal, and hysterical poster her on SAD. Though I can't promise anything.

 

So, in January 14th I'll be two years of my second adverse reaction to Prozac. The worst Prozac withdrawal symptoms are gone, but I still have a very foggy head, slightly numbed emotions, and tinnitus. I also have headaches now and then, light nausea now and then, and last but the opposite of least - 15 kilograms of extra body fat that I didn't have before Prozac, and that I'm planning to lose at ASAP.

 

My life doesn't look like the life of a typical 26 year old, and that makes me bitter at times, but I'm trying not to think too much about it.

 

In this journal I'll write more about my emotions around my life in general, than about my withdrawal symptoms. I'll also write a lot about my weight, since it's something that I'm really not happy with atm, and something that I really must try my best to do something about. At least if I want to be able to feel good about myself and be healthy again.

 

I'll write a new post quite soon, but I'll post this one at first.

 

Welcome to my journal, peeps!

 

/SG.

[xlmplmplmp]

Hey Swedishgirl, I hope you are doing well today! I can relate to a lot of what you've written - especially the parts about the Prozac. It's a shame that the medical industry doesn't recognize just how awful taking and tapering off these medicines can be. What's nice is that people can heal over time, and this is the best place on the web to read people's stories and maintain a hopeful attitude! How do you deal with your tinnitus? I've got that too - I find that a white noise generator (either physically or from the internet: www.simplynoise.com)

 

Anyways, I hope things go well for you in the future!

[dalsaan]

Hi Swedishgirl

 

Welcome to SA. I like your sense of humour.

 

Can I ask you to fill out your signature please. The instructions are here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

Dalsaan

[LoveandLight]

You can't promise anything lol! Like your humour too.

[Ever]

Heya Swedishgirl! Ever here (Everhopeful from pp). Good to see you

[Songbird]

Good to see you here, Swedishgirl!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Swedishgirl--  I so glad you were able to find us.  I hope things are going well.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Rhiannon]

Hi Swedishgirl! You're about the same age as my daughters, I am so sorry you have to be going through all of this during this time of your life (which is not all that easy at best anyway). But glad you got off when you did and you didn't end up wasting decades of your life!

 

I wanted to say, I found that during my years on psychiatric drugs I also experienced a complete personality change, and I did a lot of crazy behaviors. The book Medication Madness by Peter Breggin helped me to understand and forgive myself for that.

 

I also wanted to say, I have been binge watching Wallander on Netflix, which is in Swedish with English subtitles. Once in a while the characters speak English when they need to talk to people from other countries and their English is so impressive and good, as is yours.  Also I am in love with Sweden (that is, the television Sweden from that show!) and I am loving hearing the language. So one of these years when I am healthy again I might have to come visit your country!

 

[Babs]

Hi Swedishgirl!  Good to see you here.  Be as nutty as you want, your posts are always a treat.  By the way I watched the series "Welcome to Sweden" that you posted about once, and I thought it was hilarious.

[Swedishgirl]

Thanks old friends and new friends for your warm welcome!

 

I need to sleep now, but I just need to write something here, because I'm very, very anxious now. I just remembered something extremely embarrassing I did two years ago during my first week in withdrawal, and that's causing me to feel very anxious tonight.

 

Now I've written here that I'm anxious, and by acknowledging my anxiety I hope it'll reduce some minutes from now. It's not fun thinking about all the crazy stuff I did while under the influence. I try my best pushing those embarrassing memories away, but sometimes I fail and then I feel like I'm feeling just now.

 

I hope we'll all get a good nights sleep tonight. I'm sending my last thoughts today to France.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Swedishgirl.

 

You might want to start a topic about Embarrassing Things I've Done in the Symptoms and self-care forum -- you'll have lots of company! Sometimes you can put it behind you by writing it down.

 

It's very common that those of us who have drug histories and difficult withdrawals have to forgive ourselves.

 

Have you tried fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

Many people find them helpful to reduce lingering symptoms.

[Junior]

Hey there.  Missed your original post and was wondering what happened to you and whether you found us.  So glad to see here.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Some of us have already placed entries into this topic:

 

The weirdest thing you have done in withdrawal

 

You are definitely in good company here.....

[Swedishgirl]

An update.

 

I'm now two years off my adverse reaction to 40 mg Prozac and I can't believe how much Prozac's affecting me still. I'm so used to having numb emotions and poor cognitive abilities now that I sometimes forget that this isn't the real me. Now and then I have days when underneath my "drugged state" I can feel strong anxiety and anger "bubbling" inside of me because I know that my emotions and my view on life isn't my own.

I have a constant annoying fog in my head, I have constant tinnitus and I have head pressure and headaches still that comes and goes.

Life situation wise I meet very little friends nowadays and I have little interest in boys. (The low interest in boys and friends I'm not sure is partly because of the fact that I feel I can't relate to people any longer.) All this is very unlike me. I had bad days before Prozac happened as well, but then I snapped out of my low mood pretty quickly if I met a friend or took a shower or something.

 

I can function normally in conversations but I know that I'm not really "in" the discussion, and my mom asks me often how I can seem so content with the very uninteresting life that I have. I tell her that I know that in reality I'm not content with my life but that my emotions aren't "real" and that I can't really feel motivation enough to change my life.

 

I'm starting to worry now that I'll have to live with this foggy, empty head of mine for the rest of my life.

This total lack of motivation and interest in anything (but food really, I still crave carbs in a insane way, and I'm still forty pounds heavier than pre-Prozac), is making life feel really pointless. It also feels strange being 26 and having very little desire and motivation for getting a career and a partner. (Amongst other things).

 

To summarize: Before Prozac I sometimes felt low sometimes felt happy (mostly happy), but I always got energy boosts now and then during the day when I did what I needed to get done. Nowadays I never feel really happy and never really sad, and I'm always tired and I can't think or feel clearly if my life depended on it.

 

My questions to whomever may have the answers are: WHEN will I start care about things again? Is there a way to force forward motivation? Will I be completely recovered and free from my cognitive issues again?

 

I feel worse now than I did six months ago. I don't know if it's the grey weather contributing to my negativity, or the fact that my life situation hasn't changed for the better even though it's been two years since my adverse reaction to Prozac now. I was planning to have a good year of 2015, but that for sure won't happen

 

God, I'm even too depressed to make a single joke now. Don't want to pretend that I'm happy any longer. Please whomever's up there, make this fog disappear from my head.

[brassmonkey]

2015 isn't shot already, you still have a good bit of it left.  It's such a long, slow process it makes me nuts, but I know it gets better.  Sounds to me like you're getting hit with a bad wave.  It should wash away pretty soon.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

[Babs]

Yeah it could be combination of things.  I don't think January is too happy for lots of us in the Northern hemisphere!  Sometimes all you can do is keep on keeping on, and trust that it WILL get better some day.

[Mjau]

Hej!

I can relate to a lot of what you write. Anhedonia, demotivation, fogginess, fatigue.... I agree with the posts above - it might be a wave. It's not at all uncommon to have these symptoms two years after quitting the meds. Have you read about the waves and windows pattern of recovery? Sorry I don’t have the link at hand but you could search for it on the forum.

Typically in the midst of a wave you feel like you're never going to recover but it's not true! Eventually you will feel the windows!

 

Have you ever tried meditation? For me meditating has been and still is helpful when dealing with difficult emotions.

Physical exercise is another thing I can recommend. It doesn't have to be anything advanced, just walking regularly is enough to improve the physical condition and that has positive effects on the mind as well!

 

Hope you'll catch the window soon!

 

Kram,

Mjau

[Swedishgirl]

I should reply to more of your kind comments. I've just been feeling too bad to do it lately. I'm really appreciating all your input though!

Rhi, fun to hear you like Wallander. My brother was an extra in one of the Wallander episodes actually. Overall Scandinavian people love crime series, so we have lots of "Wallander like" series on Swedish tv. If you ever come to Sweden Rhi, come visit me!

 

Ever, songbird, brass, babs, junior and the rest, I'm happy to see you guys here as well! I'm happy you all came to say hi to me.

 

Mjau, you're Swedish as well I think? I'll send you a pm soon.

 

Back to my moaning. I'm not happy. After two years and still not being recovered, I have a hard time staying positive. Everybody around me are moving forward in their life, I'm unable to move forward, but am just walking around in this fogginess constantly, trying to get myself thru my days. Believe me though when I say I try to do stuff. I was in England for a week by myself during December. I thought it'd do me good but tbh it wasn't a very pleasant experience, since it made it so obvious that I'm still numbed and stupid and depressed and can't really follow conversations the way I used to.

Two days ago I was at a concert with a friend. Same thing there. I can sort of enjoy the music but my head isn't related to my body but just floating in the air, and not being able to think clear is making me anxious.

 

Not being able to care about stuff is making me anxious as well. I WANT to care, but I'm incapable of feeling that motivation and focus that I usually have when feeling motivated, and that's horrible.

 

I haven't thought about suicide for around six months or so, but now those thoughts are back. I'm thankful that I've gotten to know one guy my age that's gone thru withdrawal himself and who understands my struggles. When I feel like life has no meaning (at least not when being in withdrawal), I think about this guy and remind myself that at least I love him and at least he loves me. I know the guy'd be very upset if I died and that's a big motivation for me to keep on doing my best to stay on track. I will never kill myself, but if it wasn't for this person there's a risk I'd be so depressed I'd just quit my job and what else I have left during my days, and just lay in bed and give up my life completely.

 

I don't work much, 25 percent. That's very little considering it's been two years since my adverse reaction. This Prozac thing has really ruined mine and my moms finances, since mom's the one having to give me extra money every month to help me get by. Mom's only a teacher, so she's poor as it is already. I wish I could get a better job and work more, but it's not possible as long as I'm this bad. God I hope it's true I'm just in a wave and that it'll pass in a month or so.

 

I'm appreciating all your tips, and tonight I'll listen to some white noise to see if it helps my tinnitus. I'll also look up meditation today, because I haven't given meditation a fair shot. I'll look in to magnesium tomorrow, and tyrosine, since a friend on mine told me that might help me.

 

I hope all of you are having a better day than I have! Sorry for my negative posts, but I have to get my negativity out somwhere, or else I feel I might explode.

Hugs to all of you.

[Swedishgirl]

I'm so sad I can't sleep. I can't allow myself to think because then I get so depressed I don't know what to do. I seldom can think, everything's foggy, but right now I looked at some pictures of Australia and I'm thinking about how much I want to go there, but how I can't go somewhere until I can think and feel like I did before. My week long trip to England in December was sort of a test for me, I wanted see if being in a different situation and in a different surrounding would make me feel different. It didn't. It made me feel worse, since I couldn't appreciate England the way I should. I also felt very anxious and depressed there, since not being able to think clear wile being around other people made me feel strange, and I spent as much time as possible in my room and in my bed.

Always feeling foggy and different is making me always feeling slightly anxious and slightly depressed. And not being able to feel true happiness is making me depressed. God I just wished I could wake up tomorrow being recovered and being myself. I'd do so many things then. I'd go to Australia for sure and fulfil that dream. I'd study to become a yoga teacher. I'd feel motivated enough to lose weight and actually do it. I'd start dancing again. I'd work more and stop loaning money from my parents. I'd have emotions and appreciate life again. I wouldn't be alone all the time. I'd buy nice clothes again. I'd experience being 26 without having numb emotions. There's so much I want to do, and the longer time it takes before me being able to do it, the more bitter I become. And I don't want to become bitter, I really, really, really don't want to become bitter.

[brassmonkey]

Hi SG-  Do you currently take a yoga class?

[LoveandLight]

I totally get what you mean, swedishgirl.

 

I don't have a job, live with parents in a difficult situ, have no friends lol sorry I thought maybe it would make you feel a bit better - you have a bit more going for you than me. But it's so difficult. Under "normal" circumstances, plans can be made, problems worked out, but when the problem 'is' that the problem cannot be worked out it is so hard. And this medication is meant to help depression. What could be more depressing than not having control and agency over our lives, our thoughts and emotions. So incredibly hard.

 

But I think it's incredibly positive that you can see what you would like to be like, how you would like life to be. But the hard part is the waiting.

 

All the best to you. Keep going.

[Swedishgirl]

Hi!

I'm too tired to write this even, but I'll try.

I'm wondering if anyone has recovered from some sort of "cronic" (which I'm hoping soon won't be the correct term) fatigue caused by Prozac? I've been tired pretty much 24/7 for two years now, and it's horrible. The first year after my adverse reaction to Prozac I was so anxious all the time that the anxiety sort of gave me energy to do stuff. Now I'm not as anxious any longer, so now I'm constantly tired even though I'm sleeping as I should. I want to eat carbs and sweets and drink coffe constantly just to prevent myself from sleeping twelve hours a day, but since I need to loose 35 pounds that isn't an option.

I'm NEVER energized. Not in the mornings, not after lunch, not in the evenings. Where I ran before, I walk today. Where I stood before, I sit today. Where I sat before, I lay today. Where I laid before, I sleep today. I've become this super lazy, super tired person and there's just nothing I can do to fight it, it's really making me insane.

 

I'm wondering if there's any success stories out there about people who's got (preferably from Prozac) cronic fatigue, and who's recovered from that?

 

While I'm on the subject, what kind of changes can I expect during my third year being off Prozac? I'm feeling so tired with this bullsh*t that I don't even care to watch my language any longer. I can't even bother adding a joke to this post because I'm just so insanely tired with this now that not even jokes can cheer me up.

 

Please someone give me some hope?

 

Thanks very, very much in advance!

/SG.

[Petunia]

Hi Swedishgirl,

 

I moved the above post from the symptoms section to your introduction thread here because it's related to your own situation specifically.  Please add information and updates about your changing circumstances, and ask questions here, this will keep all your information in one place.  You can use this thread as your ongoing journal to track progress and communicate with the community, add to it whenever you want.

 

Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature.  Putting a short version of your drug and tapering history in your signature helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts.  Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

Here's how to add your signature from a phone or tablet:

 

http://survivinganti...nature/?p=84105

 

I'm sorry you are feeling tired and unmotivated, it does seem to be a common part of the recovery process.  Its great that you're no longer feeling a lot of anxiety.  You may find this topic helpful:

Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation

I'm sure you will get your energy back in time.  Many people find  fish oil and magnesium helpful, see King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker

[Swedishgirl]

Hi kind Petunia, thanks for all your help. I'll add my drug history at some point, I'm just too anhedonic to do it now.

I've had a really rough evening. Have watched an old dancing show on tv that I used to be a part of, but that I haven't been a part of for three years now. If I woke up tomorrow and were withdrawal free and had my emotions and clear thoughts back, I wouldn't be bitter but would get back my old life or even a life better than my old one within four months. But I ******* never recover! I wake up to this ******* foggy head and foggy emotions always, and I can't take it any longer!! I just want to get back the personality I was born with, and become free from this drugged one!

 

I've thought about suicide a lot now for a while, but it's such an awful thing to do and I know it's not at all motivated. It's also something the old me would never have considered because when the old me I had problems she solved her problems within a few months at tops. Now I can't solve problems. I can't feel and think straight, and even though I do everything right now ( I do yoga, I take walks, I socialise, I work as much as I can, I've been away in another country on a holiday, I eat healthy, etc etc), my foggy head just don't disappear, and my motivation for life isn't coming back. I don't think that I will recover.

I'd ruin mom's life if I died, and my brother would become very sad as well, so those are the biggest reasons for why I'm not thinking about suicide more often than I do now. I've told myself to hold on for four years, and I've held on for two years this far so that means I have two years left to stay alive until I'm allowed to take a decision on whether or not I shall continue. Two more years of this anhedonic state seems like a too long time today though.

 

This soooo isn't the life I was supposed to have. I know I come off as a martyr now, but I don't think I deserve this. I just can't see anything good coming out if this, and I can't see why I need to go thru this.

 

God damn it I'm so tired with this f-ing, f-ing, f-ing bullsh*t life now. How the hell will I be able to collect enough strength to continue?

[Babs]

Hi Swedishgirl .... sorry you're in such a rough patch right now.  I don't think you'll be feeling this way for another two years; your body is healing all the time.  Your windows will get longer and come more often.  People really do heal from this (I am Exhibit A).  I hope things get better soon!

[Hexal]

You WILL recover and you will look back, at some point, and think it was all worth it to go through this ordeal and end up healed. But goddamnit if those pesky, gloomy thoughts don't crop up all the time, telling us it's all for naught and we're doomed to an eternity of this. It's natural these thoughts occur and need to be accepted as such, but they are lying, remember that. I don't know how we keep finding the strength to carry on one more day, but we do it nonetheless. We're all in this together. Hugs.

[Swedishgirl]

I'm anxious and can't sleep. The foggy head is killing me. I'm stuck in the moment with a brain who can't think of anything else than what's happening just this moment. I'm just stuck in this constante foggy state and it's making it impossible for me to move forward on any level in life.

I've called all of my friends from surviving antidepressants on skype tonight. All six of them. No one has answered because all of them are busy with their own. When nobody can answer me and calm me down by talking to me for ten minutes, I feel really, really lonely.

When I'm anxious and no one can calm me down I write here. I'm hoping after I've posted this I'll feel calmer.

Thank you babs and Hexal for your always encouraging words!

[Fresh]

Hi Swedishgirl , I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time.    It just sounds awful.

 

This might sound dumb , but have you been taking any other meds , for period pain , or asthma , or anything , in the past 6 months?   I'm kind of hoping you have and that's what's affecting your recovery.

 

Let me know when you're coming down under , and I'll put the kettle on  .

 

Fresh

[Swedishgirl]

Prozac has made me fat and now I have an eating disorder. Or most often I'm just so mad about how Prozac have ruined my life that I eat to help myself deal with the anger and depression that Prozac has "given" me. I'm now trying to stick to the Overeater Anonymous program to help me get back to a healthy weight. It's difficult though since I don't see myself as an addict, but someone who was made an addict because of drugs.

Has anyone else here become a food addict because of Prozac, and how did you deal with that problem? I'm also wondering about twelve steps programs during withdrawal overall: What are your opinions about going to twelve steps programs while in withdrawal?

 

Thanks in advance!

Lost, mad, sad and fat Swedishgirl.

[Petunia]

Hi Swedishgirl,

I moved your post from the symptoms forum to your introduction thread here because it was related to your own situation specifically.  You can use this thread as your ongoing journal to track progress, write about symptoms, ask questions and communicate with the community, add to it whenever you want.

 

We have a topic about 12 step programs here, you might want to add to it:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6804-twelve-step-recovery-surviving-antidepressants/

 

and a couple more topics might be helpful:

 

Increased Appetite

 

Appetite, Weight Loss/Weight Gain

[brassmonkey]

Hi Swedishgirl-  I'm so sorry that you're still having so much trouble, but it sounds like it has moved past WD and into other areas, which is a way is good.  To me 12 step programs can be a very good way for sorting out your life.  The step by step process make you examine things in minute detail and slowly make positive changes in your life.  They have a lot of good tools for doing the examinations and making the changes.  However, the group can't do the work for you, they can only guide.  My experience with DDA (Dual Diagnosis Annon, an offshoot of AA) was very positive in it's way.  I did find that it was not just a matter of gong to a meeting once a week, but was an adopting of a whole new life style with the program as the center of your life.  With my group, maintaining ones sobriety was the be all and end all of ones life, everything else was of secondary importance.  For many in the group it worked, for me, I had a much fuller life with a wife, job, financial responsibilities all of which I wasn't going to give up just to fit into the program, but they were things that most of the others didn't have to worry about anyway.  The total immersion into program gave them structure and support that really seemed to work and I do recommend it.

 

Best of luck on this new leg of your journey.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) 

[Songbird]

Hi Swedishgirl!  I have no experience with 12-step programs but I'm big on self-help books!  You might have a look for the books "Fat is a Feminist Issue" and "Fat is a Feminist Issue 2".  Don't be put off by the titles, they are really about emotional eating (versus eating when we are physically hungry).  They are quite old now, I actually found them many decades ago when I had developed a compulsive eating problem.  The first book is mostly theory, the second I found more useful as it has practical exercises to do.  Using these books helped me to sort out my problem.  The idea is that the problem isn't the weight, or fat, or even the food or diet.  It is more about how we feel when we eat, the emotional triggers for our eating, and the feelings of loss of control we may experience as a result.  The food and/or the eating may symbolise something else or be a substitute for something else.  I think even gaining some understanding and insight about the problem can help us to feel a little better and is a good step in the right direction.

[Swedishgirl]

I can't handle this horrible life of mine any longer. I don't think I'll ever get rid of this f-ing foggy head of mine. Nothing matters in my life any longer. Sometimes I think I'm better but really I have no idea what I'm doing because of this constant foggy head of mine. The first two years I could sort of accept that my only goal during my days was to get myself thru the days, but now I can't accept that any longer. I'll be turning 27 this year, I want to accomplish stuff in my life and have goals. I can't do that while still being in withdrawal and not being able to think and feel. Prozac has made me lazy and unmotivated. For YEARS. And it's made me stupid and falsely content. I don't want this life any longer. I'm very anhedonic now.

In two weeks I'll be moving to Denmark. Simply because I can't handle living in the same apartment that I've lived in while going thru all this. I doubt the moving will do much for my mood but at least I don't need to be afraid of meeting old friends every time I leave my apartment.

I've done a lot of normal stuff the latest months. I've met friends and dated. What's horrible is that doing normal stuff only makes it even more obvious to me that I'm not normal, and that I can't appreciate stuff that I used to appreciate. Meeting people makes me feel worse because it's so obvious now that I can't relate to anyone. I can't relate or fall in love while in withdrawal, and no one can relate or fall in love with me, even if they might think so. I'll take years before I can have a boyfriend, and before I can have friends.

[Swedishgirl]

I'm tired with this **** now. I'll be turning 27 this year and I have no life any longer because I still have no clear emotions and no clear thoughts. I live my days in a constant fog and the person I am now isn't even close to the person I was before Prozac happened. How long will the Prozac rape my mind? How long will I have to live with a brain that isn't my own? How long will I have to be a robot instead of a person?

I can't handle having this fake joy any longer. I want to have goals and be creative and motivated and just feel real emotions. I don't want to live any longer and I don't know how much longer I'll put up with this crappy robot life. I don't want to live this life, I want to be myself again and live the life I was supposed to live.

[Swedishgirl]

My life is destroyed. I can't handle the fog, head pressure, the stupidity, the not being able to feel or think any longer. I wake up unable to experience the wonderfulness of life. I used to be so happy during spring and summer, now I can't enjoy anything because I'm locked inside my own head with this numb and robotic personality that isn't my own.

I hate waking up in the mornings and I hate going to bed in the evenings. I hate the afternoons and I hate not having the key to my register of different emotions. I want to kill myself. I can't handle a life where I can't feel any longer. Not being able to care is horrible, this anhedonia is making me so anxious, depressed and lost. Not even the tinnitus and nausea has gotten away yet.

Being forced to live with another personality than my own for years after years is killing me. I want to live so bad, but I can't live while I'm affected by the horrible drug called Prozac. It's making me robotic, stupid, empty and different.

January 14 it will have been three years since Prozac happened. If I'm not better by then I'm afraid I might kill myself. I know it'd be incredibly selfish of me doing so, and that I instead of killing myself should spend my life helping others, but I can't. I have no motivation and no energy to do anything good with my life. I can't stand this, I don't want this life.

[westcoast]

I just encountered someone on Twitter who said it took four years to recover, in her case. It is just a day at a time of not doing anything harmful, and surviving. It is too soon to expect anything other than eating and sleeping. This is not normal depression, right?