Tija: 6 years on Lexapro and Trazadone-Want to move on without them

[Tija]

PART –I - On Psych Poisons.

 

Hello,

 

I just joined this site tomorrow or day before after much deliberation. But on hind sight I feel I made the right decision as no one else other than the members at this site can understand what I am going through. I will give me courage to carry on without the poisons I was taking. And I have seen almost all members to be very supportive of one another.I hope to fine good company here and some help to move on.

 

 

Well I am 32 years male and had been on Lexapro (10 mg) and Trazadone (12.5 mg) for the last couple of years , 6 to be precise. And before that one year on 20 mg Prozac (It is the lowest dosage-I guess) and 0.125 mg of Clonazepam for a year.

Well how it all started. I was 25 years at that time when I first took these poisons (I never knew about them until 3 months back when I left them cold turkey-and having a tough time since).I did my graduationand left far from my home state. I am from India. I started preparing from my Higher Studies, MBA.I had some pretty bad experience at my new place with a person who tried to cheat me with some amount, sizeable at that time. It gave me a rude shock. Added I had the intense pressure of succeeding at my exams .I was certainly stressed and after 2 years of constant hard work I felt I was too stressed out. I could not sleep due to stress and was constantly fatigued. This continued for may be a 2 weeks. Well exactly at that time I decided to go home and then my vertigo started.But most symptoms subsided as soon as the environment changed. Along with intermittent insomnia , some anxiety.I had some brain fog and heaviness in the head.

 

 

I visited a good neurologist who said that is just stress and prescribed some sleeping pills. I was diagnosed as being Hypothyroid. That was what my neurologist had first suspected and said was the true cause of the symptoms and the stress due to intense preparation.

 

 

Not satisfied I was recommended to visit a psychiatrist by a doctor (My first mistake-Fate had probably something worse for me in store -but in hindsight I believe he was good compared to the psychiatrist I visited later).He simply said that I am all fine and that is stress that is taking the toll.Was prescribed 20 mg Prozac and 0.25 mg clonazepam. I was fine in a weeks’ time and the medicines (POISONS) responded well but the trauma healed in 2 months’ time. I went to the B-School 2 months later and continued with my prescription .I did absolutely fine with the prescription and was a good grader.

 

 

On my second visit back home to the psychiatrist the dosage was further reduced to 0.125 mg and 20 mg Prozac. I continued that for another 8 months. I was absolutely fine taking them and was doing excellent with my school.

But every time  I tried to reduce the dosage every time I would get dizziness,(That’s it-Nothing else).I guess ,which I now know was due to the medicines that I was taking and was due to withdrawal .So I visited one of the best institutes and was diagnosed as having GAD.I believed him  and was handed Lexapro 10 mg and 50 mg trazadone. I don’t take the diagnosis now as I recollect before I visited him I was trying hard to wean myself of clonazepam for 2 months. Was in withdrawal, was at clonzapem 0.0625 mg/day and was still doing fine. Had already left Prozac 4-5 month before.

 

 

I still hate that bas***d from the core of my heart.I wished he should have simply told me that I should try to get rid of the medicines and that I will be fine all over again with some life style changes and some work at trying to take things easy.  Rather I was told that I would need the medicines for the rest of my life and that I could never take any executive position even with the medicines. Well the second part of the prophecy was proved wrong .In 6 years I became very successful in my  executive career and had been steadily growing until I decided that this path is not right for me.(I now choose to join a different profession)

 

And my story began of my 6 long year’s association with the poisons. This continued for 6 years until I had a stressful time and felt that the medicines were not working any longer. I quit them cold turkey. Guess was pop out for few month before thant (I came to know later) Felt the time was already tough-let’s make it tougher- I would never recommend anyone cold turkey with any drugs-particularly psych poisons.

It was then the hell broke lose 3 months before (October-10^th-2014).I can now say that I have never been in so much trouble in my entire life.

 

My Regards

[Tija]

PART –II- Off Psych Meds.

 

Well just after I was handed over with 50 mg Trazadone in 2008 (+10mg Lexapro), I was feeling too drowsy and decided to cut it into half. Was taking 25 mg. That was in 2008.A year later was still feeling drowsy and started taking 12.5 mg. That was in 2009.And had been on the steady dosage since 2009-October to 2014.

 

Last September- October I had a hard time with my job and was transferred to a different country .I never went though. Added I had been again preparing for some exam for the last 2 years. This time was a tougher exam than my M.B.A. This added to the stress and felt that the medicines were no longer working. I had insomnia for 3-4 days. That’s it and it subsided after the stress eased.

 

But off late (for 2-3 years ) I started realizing that I was to some extent shaking from inside and my life had become too dull. Office home office and seasons passed and went on. I did not feel any excitement. I blamed all on my corporate job. I was still happy and ambitious though. Never did I know that major part was played by the poisons. It was then I decided to quit both my job and my Lexapro and Trazadone.I almost left them C/T.

When I first left the meds I was on a business tour and the following symptoms manifested, I somehow completed the tour. I acted well though without any of my customers knowing what I was going thought.

 

So for the symptoms so far:

 

October-2014.

 

Constant agitation/Brain Zaps/Intense Anxiety/Vertigo/Intense Head Spasms/Difficulty concentrating/Depersonalization/Anhedonia/Fatigue/Sweaty Palms/Sweaty Feet/Shivering/Shaking from inside/Palpitation/Weight loss/Nausea/Diarrhea/…And the list goes on and on.But the sleep part was still ok.

I hated the depersonalization as the worst symptom. It makes everything so very unreal. Felt as if you were not in your body and you are some one else..Felt the same when I first tried to wean off benzos.I guee the benzos were worse. Was really in a bad shape that month.

 

November-2014.

 

Was relatively ok month. Most of the symptoms had subsided. Main symptoms were Palpitaitons. Is just  a feeling of impounding heart but the heart rate had never been more than 84.And the funny part is every time I visit my Ayurved or after my yoga it drops down to 74 to 64.Suicidal idealization. I had never been suicidal in my entire life. On the contrary I was always an easy going fellow and had high optimism about my future.Even when I was highly stressed the first time I was prescribed meds 7 years back I never know what suicidal idealization is. Free floating anxiety almost all the time. The morning had been the worst. Slight upper head muscular tension whenever I tried to focus.

 

 

December-2014.

 

This had been a very tough month for me. I never knew what depression is. Tasted the same for the first time. Is really really tough and the constant rumination about the past and the guilt conscience.  I had blues may be only 3-4 times in my entire life pre to the meds and now I was in depths of Depression. But that month I started seeing some windows too. The free floating anxiety was still very much there. And sometimes it gets horrible. Palpitations have lessened but almost there and almost all the time.The ocassional shaky feeling from inside comes and goes but had never been constant.

 

January-2015.

 

As of date I struggle with almost all of the above symptoms but in a mild form. But they are present in some form or the other at all the times. Off late insomnia has also set in. I am still hanging on and hope it will pass on soon. May be a couple of months or may be an year or two .I still want to hang on than to go on to the meds again. I know for sure I visit doctor today- will be diagnosed a few more diagnosis and labels I will be needing to carry for the rest of my life.

 

 

But the good part had been after my first month of relentless symptoms I truly feel that  a veil had been lifted from my head. I can feel the intensity of all the human range of emotions. I had emotional outburst a few times since.  I always had a good memory even on meds. But now even with all the horrible symptoms my memory had become many times sharper.Is almost phenomenal and I can minutely recall what happened exactly what happened exactly a week ago this same time. Now a days sometimes I will feel hate, exhilaration, depression, love all in a very short period of time, probably in an hour or so. Rewiring I guess.

 

I will try to update on my journey from time to time of the progress (I hope I dont regress) I am making.

 

 

So far is my story. If you have read this far ,I hope you to give me courage to carry on with my withdrawal  journey and give me wishes to  carry on without the need to touch the poisons again.They may be good for the short term but long them I truly believe they don't serve any good.

 

 

Well as a part of my healing I had always been doing yoga since the last 7 years. The first two years had been intense (2007-2008) ,2009-2010-2011 had been sporadic. Lexapro  makes you feel like a superman to make you really feel the need to do any physical exercise. (I gained 40 pounds on it) Started yoga again in 2013 last till 2014 mid. Now is intense  (since Oct-2014) and I wish to continue the good practice for the rest of my life.

Off late I have been seeing an Ayurved and am taking some herb formulations. They seem to help a bit. Have not touched any over the counter meds (Not even multivitamins since Oct-2014).

 

I am not a doctor or an ayurved or a yoga teacher or a naturopath or an acupuncturist or any other forms of healing master.I don't advice you to endorse any of my views and what I posted are my own personal journey so far with and without psychiatric medicines.

 

My Regards.

With hope and for peace.

[mammaP]

Hello Tija, welcome to SA. Thank you for sharing your story with us, we all understand how you are feeling

here as we are all in various stages of withdrawal or tapering these poisons.  I'm sorry that you are suffering

withdrawal, it isn't easy but will pass.  There is a wealth of information here about withdrawal and what helps.

Everyone is different and what helps one can have an adverse effect for others, but all share their experiences.

Most people find that magnesium and fish oil help with withdrawal. The fish oil is helpful for the vertigo and brain

zaps, magnesium is calming and helps sleep.  A lot of people find that many supplements have adverse effects 

and it is best to be very careful. With any supplement it is best to start with a very low dose and work up if there 

is no reaction.  

 

Withdrawal tends to go in windows and waves, so you will feel a little better for a time then feel bad again.

Symptoms change all the time as the brain and nervous system heal. 

 

Here is a link to the topic on windows and waves. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

About supplements, tests etc.. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/606-important-topics-about-tests-supplements-herbs-treatments/

 

Could you put your drug history in your signature for us? You will find instructions how to do that here.....http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Tija.

 

Cold turkey can be difficult to recover from, with very severe withdrawal symptoms. It's a good sign that you've seen a little improvement over the last few months.

 

Other than attempting a tiny reinstatement, perhaps 1mg, of Lexapro, there's not much you can do but learn to manage your symptoms. After 3 months, reinstatement may or may not work to relieve symptoms.

 

The Symptoms and Self-Care forum is the place to discuss particular symptoms. Please look there for existing topics on symptoms you might have.

[Tija]

Hello Tija, welcome to SA. Thank you for sharing your story with us, we all understand how you are feeling

here as we are all in various stages of withdrawal or tapering these poisons.  I'm sorry that you are suffering

withdrawal, it isn't easy but will pass.  There is a wealth of information here about withdrawal and what helps.

Everyone is different and what helps one can have an adverse effect for others, but all share their experiences.

Most people find that magnesium and fish oil help with withdrawal. The fish oil is helpful for the vertigo and brain

zaps, magnesium is calming and helps sleep.  A lot of people find that many supplements have adverse effects 

and it is best to be very careful. With any supplement it is best to start with a very low dose and work up if there 

is no reaction.  

 

Withdrawal tends to go in windows and waves, so you will feel a little better for a time then feel bad again.

Symptoms change all the time as the brain and nervous system heal. 

 

 

Hello MammaP.

 

Thanks for the reply.Yes. I understand that everyone is different  and I CTed.I did not knew at that time about tapering and now at 3 months I guess is longer for me to go back.I am doing just ok.Not worse as of now like was the first month.I am in the notice period  of my job and have another 8-9 months before I settle in  my next job. I don't know what the future holds.Who knows for how long this will last for me.

 

Yes is definitely not easy.

 

I did not recall having any adverse reaction to the drug except a bit of sexual dysfunction and a bit of agitation (towards the end of the 6th year period).Nothing else apart from that.But I always felt that I was overdoing everything and making some bad decisions.Was feeling flat and thought was due to my job.I was more than just normal and was always over motivated.Apart form withdrawal blues I was never before depressed and could have been at 5 mg. But anyways docs are always perceived right.Now I feel I don't need to blame him.I should have tried to discontinue it before.

 

To ease my withdrawal I am taking Ayurveda medicines and herbs and they are working but are very very slow.My Ayurved says they dont have any side effects.I believe him and is considered safe here.But takes a long long time to show results.I would say is a part of our traditional medicine.

 

Right now my greatest relief is that the 3 months old constant palpitations (24x7) is almost gone.I don't feel it any ways.Palpitations were so severe that I used to sleep with them , wake up  with them in the mid of my sleep and than again had them in the morning.Never went to get may heart checked though.

 

Also no over the roof anxiety as of now.Is calming.The depression has lifted.But my mood is considerably low compared to med days.

 

However the sleep is getting lighter and the head pressure and faint feeling is coming back.Another nightmare is waiting I guess.

 

Supplements I am wary to introduce at present.Not even magnesium and other vitamins.I have not taken any synthetic supplements since the last 3 months as I feel they might react at this stage.

 

My thanks again for the reply.

 

Warm Regards

[Tija]

Cold turkey can be difficult to recover from, with very severe withdrawal symptoms. It's a good sign that you've seen a little improvement over the last few months.

 

Other than attempting a tiny reinstatement, perhaps 1mg, of Lexapro, there's not much you can do but learn to manage your symptoms. After 3 months, reinstatement may or may not work to relieve symptoms.

 

 

Hello Altostrata,

 

Thanks for the reply. When I CTed I did not know anything about withdrawal.Previously when I missed a dose or two I would get brain zaps.I got to know from it from wiki.Never read beyond that.Always took meds quickly and went on with my regular life.

 

Yes what I have read C/T can be difficult.But who knows may be I recover faster.

 

As of now the symptoms are quite wavering.Some symptoms come and go and occasionally when you think you are clear another thing hits you.Its really a bad feeling I must say.I am still functional as of now and apart from a couple of days I have never been housebound or anything of that sort.

 

Also when I am in withdrawal I am reading a lot of  others peoples accounts and success stories in particular.What I feel is that the negative effects me more than the positives.When some one is going though bad withdrawal I try to relate the worst with my case.What if I go worse and worse and worse..Big what ifs????

 

But off late I have started to realize that each one of us is different and VASTLY DIFFERENT.There is no point relating my self with others and think about the worse.Some reinstate ...In withdrawals some do good quickly-some take some time and some take a little longer-Thats it and almost all recover in the end.

 

My Warm Regards

[steeley]

Hello Tija,

 

Just to welcome you as there is little I can add to what others have said already.

 

Your symptoms (in my view) are all withdrawal related, probably hitting you with a big bang considering that you C/T'd. I made that mistake too, and paid the price.

 

Am feeling so much better now (I'm 17 months into my taper)after learning to reduce my dose by 10% every 3-6 weeks, more if my body calls for it. I don't know if it is window and my symptoms (now much lesser) will return, or maybe I am truly recovering. That seems like an impossible dream, so I will be happy with a window if that is all that is offered.

 

You seem to be going pretty well considering, and yes the blessed lifting of the veil is a mirracle to behold. It is miraculous.

 

Hang in there Tija, you are doing well and yes, it is a truly dreadful thing to endure, and endure we must, there is no other option except to take more poison, and that is not an option for me.

 

Kind regards

steeley

[ang]

Welcome, welcome, from a newbie to this site....  You are in good hands.

 

Your quote......""But the good part had been after my first month of relentless symptoms I truly feel that  a veil had been lifted from my head. I can feel the intensity of all the human range of emotions. ""

 

I had emotional outburst a few times since.  I always had a good memory even on meds. But now even with all the horrible symptoms my memory had become many times sharper.Is almost phenomenal and I can minutely recall what happened exactly what happened exactly a week ago this same time. Now a days sometimes I will feel hate, exhilaration, depression, love all in a very short period of time, probably in an hour or so. Rewiring I guess.  Your memory will come and go.... Your illnesses will come and go....... all part of the Withdrawal from  this stuff.  

 

Remember how you were before, it is a strong incentive.  Remember that "veil being lifted" then try your best to pamper yourself despite the horrid side effects as your brain recovers..if that means reinstating some of it, so be it, only you can judge.

 

well done, it is that lifting of the "veil" that keeps us going, I am sure.  Every time you feel awful, remember that   ""Lifting of the veil"...

 

I was so  so lucky, although only time will tell, after four days, I think I am successful in reintroducing 1% of last years dose of an SSRI, after WD hitting 6 months after a 4 month taper. Yes, go slow, I wish I had found this website, before last November?   but even in the depths of despair, I somehow found it.  The strength of the human spirit.  You are resilient, you should congratulate yourself, yes this site is wonderful.   

 

Lots and lots of references to psychiatric papers, all sorts of stuff, I have been  able to make up my own mind.  Without the push of doctors who have failed me.   

[Tija]

Hello Tija,

 

Just to welcome you as there is little I can add to what others have said already.

 

Your symptoms (in my view) are all withdrawal related, probably hitting you with a big bang considering that you C/T'd. I made that mistake too, and paid the price.

 

Am feeling so much better now (I'm 17 months into my taper)after learning to reduce my dose by 10% every 3-6 weeks, more if my body calls for it. I don't know if it is window and my symptoms (now much lesser) will return, or maybe I am truly recovering. That seems like an impossible dream, so I will be happy with a window if that is all that is offered.

 

You seem to be going pretty well considering, and yes the blessed lifting of the veil is a mirracle to behold. It is miraculous.

 

Hang in there Tija, you are doing well and yes, it is a truly dreadful thing to endure, and endure we must, there is no other option except to take more poison, and that is not an option for me.

 

Kind regards

steeley

 

Hello Steeley,

 

Many many thanks for the cheers up.My heart goes to you.Lifting of veil is  I never know what it was until I came out of it.All along I never felt  anything wrong with me until I was on lexapro.

 

I had three to four emotional outbursts ever since.I am ashamed that I had to cry at age 32 due to drugs having hold on me.

 

Having said that I feel is too early to say anything.I can only be confident when I hit the 12-14 month mark.That is what others say but some one may recover faster.Can not predict.I just wait and watch.

 

I dont know if it would be wrong to say that I have replaced one system with another.But as soon as I CTed I switched to Ayurveda to easy my symptoms.Nothing happened the first two months of taking the herbs in the thick of my withdrawal. Now after 2 and half months probably I am seeing some results.My body seems to reject some (still) of the herbs and probably have accepted some.Is considered safe by most here.Oh,,by the way I practice a lot of yoga.1 hour daily to ease the symptoms.

 

I am contended with that so far.But who knows what the future holds for me.Time will only tell.

 

The greatest difficulty (sadness) in this  is making your doctor or your loved ones or your healer understand what you are going through.Nothing can be tested in the lab or seen.Now I wish I had switched Engineering for M.B.B.S and M.B.A. for MD in Psychiatry.

 

I am very happy that you too are doing good and is wiser now.Carry on and hold fast and since you are already doing good,YOU WILL DO GOOD.There is a lot of positive tone  in your message.

 

My Regards and Wishes.

[Tija]

 

I was so  so lucky, although only time will tell, after four days, I think I am successful in reintroducing 1% of last years dose of an SSRI, after WD hitting 6 months after a 4 month taper. Yes, go slow, I wish I had found this website, before last November?   but even in the depths of despair, I somehow found it.  The strength of the human spirit.  You are resilient, you should congratulate yourself, yes this site is wonderful.   

 

Lots and lots of references to psychiatric papers, all sorts of stuff, I have been  able to make up my own mind.  Without the push of doctors who have failed me.   

 

Hello Ang.

 

Thanks much for your reply and encouragement.I am really touched by your comment " strength of the human spirit".Is something really amazing that goes beyond any disability or dependence.

 

But for most psychiatrists strengths/weakness/consciousness/Conscientiousness/strength of human spirit/fear/despair come encapsulated in pills and psychiatric labels.

 

Relating just a short story. I have stopped one of my cousins falling to the trap of psychiatric drugs which he never needed.Long story short he was jobless and now is engaged in some business and very happy.Visited the doc and the doc said he suffers from depression.He stays at my home town with his family and I stay at a different place.I visited him some months after and found that he was taking  an antidepressant .I know him better than his doctor and asked if he really was depressed.He said no.Is the doc who said so and I feel more happy in the pills.I asked him to rethink and try stop the drugs.He stopped and never looked back.He never needed them.Such is the state of affairs I am sorry to say with most docs and psychs.

 

Anyways I feel this is a good place to be in when you are in withdrawal and afterwards to help those in withdrawal.

 

Thanks again with my Regards