GardeniaBlossom: 16 years on/ 8 months off

June 27, 2015

Beautifully written post, WC.

I'm really struggling at 9 months off CT with no windows. I feel lost and alone too, Gardenia. CW has improved. We can too. Love you, Pug.

July 4, 2015

How are you doing these days Gardenia?

July 11, 2015

It's been about a year since I got so sick I could hardly function, when I started the lithium and then couldn't continue it. I've never been sick for so long. I can see the effects of strain on my relationships but am doing better than I was a month ago. I've been writing a lot and meeting with folks who are also going through wd. I find that for me it's good to connect with people face to face about these issues. Sometimes, there seems to be a blanket of shame over those of us who live this experience. The act of meeting with folks and also telling people who haven't been through it that I am in the middle of the experience feels liberating. I think there is something to gain from standing up for myself in that way in the world. So, I've connected with people who are going through this in other environments. I'm a member of a number of Facebook groups dedicated to withdrawal some of which I find quite helpful as well. I recently met with my psychiatrist for the first time in several months. It was a reckoning. Otherwise, I've been writing in my journal and also poetry. I continue to make art about the experience, too.

It's often hard to indepth research here when I can't read easily, my mind isn't clear, and I don't have the stamina. I don't appreciate being talked down to and told that I need to do more research before asking questions on this board when it's the condition that prevents me from doing any more than I'm able to. That behavior is condescending and aggressive. I don't feel I can afford to subject myself to that while I am so vulnerable. There's a way in which people can hide behind excessive anonymity and act aggressively in ways that are sanctioned in this kind of environment. I experienced that recently here and didn't appreciate it. So, I haven't been around as much as I was before.

I've noticed that not all coffee throws me into a wave which is good news since I adore coffee. I'm not sure why yet. I've been making better decisions around food and that's helped. In a few days, I'll be nine and a half months off meds completely after 16 years of being enslaved by them. That feels great in and of itself. Today was hard. I created a system in which I can keep track of my symptoms though. That way I can see patterns and gain a better understanding of how I'm improving. I've been experiencing windows but also suicidal ideation consistently though. So, I struggle on a daily basis, but it's getting better.

July 11, 2015

Glad to hear there are some improvements and you're feeling a little better Gardenia. I wish you continued healing and much luck and success on your road to recovery

July 12, 2015

I'm so sorry , Gardenia, who is talking down to you? Don't let this , put you off. I've also been on "the meds" , for over 20 yrs. It's "hell", I know, but don't give up & don't give up on here, because there are lots of supportive people. Hugs, Ali.

July 12, 2015

Hang in there Gardenia, there is no shame in this. I find this place triggering too, to see so much suffering and wondering if this will ever end. And as I taper I am faced with the fear of the original problem coming back. I needed help when I first started meds, how do I know if it's meds causing me grief or if it's the underlying illness? We will get through this and be stronger because of it, just you wait and see.

July 15, 2015

I'm sorry you feel unsafe on here GB. It can be difficult and triggering. I take breaks from the board as well. Self-preservation is so important.

I pretty much read randomly on here for the most part. I'm usually very good at researching, but not as good right now. People have sometimes pointed out threads to me I've never seen, even having read through a certain section. The bottom line is that there's a lot of info..

I think it's good you can look back and see improvement from even a month ago...and also, nice that you're finding some measure of community where you live. There's a lot to be said for having face-to-face contact.

I hope keeping a journal of symptoms proves helpful.

September 25, 2015

I've been feeling better overall. I'm in a window that's lasted several days which is unusual but a relief to say the least. In about a week's time, I will be off all psychiatric drugs for a full year after being on them for sixteen years. I'm excited about this milestone but frustrated by the rate of my progress. Still slow progress is better than no progress.

I experience fatigue, lack of mental clarity, confusion, inability to process information well, hopelessness, and difficulty with organization on an ongoing basis. I'd like to work on meal planning but am not sure what a good starting point may be regarding this. Maybe I'll work on researching this. I've pretty much been eating the same things for a bit over a year since the withdrawal set in. That can't be good. The good news is I've started drinking coffee again (without being thrown into a horrible wave). What a relief! I love coffee.

I've been writing a lot which I find helpful both for processing information and to reflect on in retrospect. Reading has become a bit easier but is still an ongoing challenge. I love the feelings of upliftment and renewed well being when they occur. They are so appreciated.

September 26, 2015

Hi GB,

Congratulations on soon hitting the 1 year mark..and for getting to drink coffee again! I think you've done well to come to this place, especially given your time on meds. I hope you're able to feel good about how far you've come...though I know how the slow pace of progress can feel frustrating.

Good work on the writing too...something I'm hoping to do a little more of over the winter.

Nice to see you update.

September 26, 2015

Hello GardeniaBlossom, you are definitely healing having windows for some days. When I was one year off I hardly experienced windows if I did they were for a couple of hours sporadically. Congrats on being a year off what a great accomplishment.

I have started cooking a lit bit more recently and its very refreshing to eat clean unprocessed food. I get recipes from youtube, apps in my phone like Whole Foods. Maybe you could start looking at this website: http://www.choosemyplate.gov/on the recommended dietary guidelines, then you could look into nutrition books. What a great pastime writting and its helpful for cognitive abilities. Hope that the symptoms that you have dissipate soon.

September 30, 2015

Yes, freespirit, I agree. After the length of time I was on the drugs, the number of drugs I was on, and the speed in which I came off them, the progress I've made sometimes feels like a miracle. I realize now I could have died coming out of what was essentially a cold turkey with no assistance or support.Thanks for helping me put that in perspective. I've come a very long way. Your feedback means a lot.

September 30, 2015

Thank you for your suggestions, Purplestars22. I'll check out the link you posted. I like the idea of searching youtube for videos. I find processing information via audio (in particular) a lot easier than trying to read and retain it.

I try to type as well as write by hand and I hope both will be valuable in helping my brain reconnect. When I read what I have written during the past year, I am surprised by how clear some of it is. I remember how badly I felt when I wrote it. It's profound how much I (and perhaps we all) have had to rely on the skills I (we) developed before withdrawal to function afterward and during such severe impairment.

Thanks, again, for your feedback. I appreciate it.

September 30, 2015

Tomorrow, it will be a full year since I took psychiatric drugs. I am in another window. On days like today, I feel like one day I will recover completely from not just the withdrawal but also the 16 years I was on psychiatric drugs. I hope I am right.

October 5, 2015

Hello GardeniaBlossom! So glad to read that you have had a window, it is just a small taste of what is to come. Your brain and body will heal, time and rest is the great healer. Keep the faith and be kind and gentle with yourself. What an encouragement that you are already having windows. I get the general feeling from what I've read here that the CT folks often take longer to heal and experience more windows and waves, but it will happen in time and you will feel better than ever! Forgive me for repeating myself if I already recommended Baylissa Frederick's Recovery and Renewal to you, but she experienced a very long protracted WD and her book was so encouraging to me when I was really struggling with WD. Take care GB.

October 12, 2015

Wow Gardenia Blossom - what a journey you have been on! And so amazing that you are starting to heal, starting to see the horizon, and the path to that horizon!

You wrote:

My agenda for the day is surrender, be more like the water, a new skill for me to master.

My Tai Chi Master takes it a step further.

Cutting a sword through rock is hard - and leaves a long lasting mark.

Cutting a sword through earth - not as hard, and the mark heals more quickly.

Cutting a sword through sand - becomes easier, and in a day, the mark is blown over.

Cutting a sword through water - and the water swirls, barely knowing the sword was there.

BUT - cut a sword through the air - and the molecules dance around the sword, embracing it, changing with the movement of the sword.

The element of the heart is air. Be like air.

Then, I was disturbed to hear this:

I don't appreciate being talked down to and told that I need to do more research before asking questions on this board when it's the condition that prevents me from doing any more than I'm able to. That behavior is condescending and aggressive. I don't feel I can afford to subject myself to that while I am so vulnerable. There's a way in which people can hide behind excessive anonymity and act aggressively in ways that are sanctioned in this kind of environment. I experienced that recently here and didn't appreciate it. So, I haven't been around as much as I was before.

Oh GB, I'm sorry to hear this, and sorry to hear you feel this way. I know nothing about the circumstances that led to this, I can only give you a taste of the "mod perspective."

I read a lot of horrific stories. Day in, day out. Amazingly, I have to smack myself because often it sounds like the same story I just read, and it's hard to remind myself that this is A NEW PERSON with the same problem. The questions are frequently the same, and often we are ignored, as the suggestions we make are inconvenient, or don't fit with the worldview of the person whose problem we are addressing. Sometimes it takes months for the light bulb to come on - and still - we persist.

Here are the most common ones: "But I have a chemical imbalance." "I need these drugs." "I'm afraid to go off." "I'm afraid to reinstate." "I'm going to taper too fast because I want the evil drug out of my system." "I'm going to ask my doctor." "I can't take this anymore I have to do something."

The same stories are repeated over and over, and it is easy for moderators - who are entirely volunteer - to lose it. To burn out. After our suggestions are ignored, or the links or information we provide isn't looked at or addressed, we feel helpless. There is not much else we can do. We are not counselors, we aren't even cheerleaders. We are librarians, holding a torch to point the way into the darkness - but we can't go into the darkness for you, we can only show you. I always hope to show an SA member what s/he needs right now, but - I am only human. And it's frustrating when I spend time, emotional & mental energy, and effort for someone, only to be ignored - which happens all too often.

Additionally, it is SA policy that we give you links to information - to set you on the course of finding out for yourself what you need to know to heal. This is because we don't know what you, as an individual, need to heal. Sadly, if you are too sick, or only have this site via mobile phone, this can be limited in its success.

I'm not writing this to excuse your feeling - I'm writing it to acknowledge your feeling, in the hopes that if you understand what a moderator is and does and experiences, you won't take personally what you may have felt was curt or demeaning.

In reading your thread, I see that you have been very good about taking charge of your own healing process. It is not so for everyone. If you felt diminished or demeaned by someone here, I am sorry. That was not the intent of the moderator, whoever it was. Please don't take it personally.

And the good news, you announce:

I've noticed that not all coffee throws me into a wave which is good news since I adore coffee.

Ah! Have you discovered BulletProof Coffee yet? Adding a little grass-fed butter (Kerrygold is the brand in the US, though Aldi organic butter is good, too) and coconut oil to your coffee? It slows the spikiness of coffee, and prevents that after-coffee crash, too.

I hope you will continue to grace our forums - you have a quiet, gentle spirit, and we'd love to hear of your writing and art - and celebrate your recovery!

And - I hope you see the sun today!

October 12, 2015

I get it...we all wish there was a faster and easier way. And it does sometimes feel it will go on forever. I stopped the month before you did, so we are similar on that count. I've had some times of feeling I was ready to rejoin the human race in some fashion...only to be followed by days of hardly being able to get out of the house (or not at all). Today I was giving a tailgater the finger while I was driving..very nice for a 60 year-old-woman...just feeling grumpy about life in general and someone driving too close was all it took to set me off. Yes, I too, wish things were easier.

hahah,, you just joined the human race again!!! haha I remember a guy tooted me, at a roundabout, he did not see I could not drive on because of an obstacle (he could not see), so I went so, sooooo , sooooooo slow........around and off the roundabout, he was so angry, he took off around me, tyres screaming, and damn suddenly a car in front of him, right hand lane, stopped, and indicated right.......... he managed to swerve into the left land, tail swinging wildly..... well me met at the next roundabout, next to each other, he would not look at me, and he took the first right he could, am I evil, no he learnt his lesson, I reckon.

October 12, 2015

One of the ways the drugs helped me for the time they did was I think they allowed me to feel more confident and outgoing. (That's a hypothesis. I don't know if that's actually true or not. It seems to have been. I'm still figuring that out.)

I don't know if you identify with being an introvert or not. But that, I mean someone who gains energy by being alone...more than they do by being with others. Many people seem to think introversion means you don't like people or only want to be alone..which is not true. It's more of a scale anyway, with folks being along a continuum.

Being an introvert in western cultures is very challenging. Most people misunderstand and think you are standoffish or snobby. They don't get that a lot of interaction is draining. They think there's something wrong with those who want to spend more time alone. Introverts tend to be more reflective, take things and want to contemplate them..and may not always be up for rapid-fire conversation or have a quick answer for something. Even though introversion is common, it is not considered the norm in N. America at least. I haven't lived in other places, so don't know if it's different elsewhere.

If you add to this, being a more sensitive person...well, it's easy to understand feeling different than the rest of the culture. I'm not much of a fan of labels, as they can become very limiting...but having a sense of things helps me to accept myself much more than I did when I was younger.

Maybe something of this will resonate with you?

Yes, I do identify with being an introvert. When I took the Myers Briggs test, I scored 80% introvert. My understanding was that was a high score to have in one area. I'm also sensitive. To add to that, I'm an immigrant. Though I've lived in the US for most of life, I'll never be from or of the culture I live in. So, you're absolutely right. There are many reasons for feeling out of step and having a sense of where those feelings come from helps.

I've read that there are other cultures where there are more introverts. If I remember correctly, they were in Asia (so, not western), but I can't remember now what countries specifically.

So true, I feel like I am an immigrant............ in that I live in a town that belongs to my ex husband.... to be accepted here, you have to be born here........

So I struggle on, despite the "whatever", until my kids have grown.................... I now realise that my only life, was in within the confines of my ex and his family. I now discover there are other people out there, I have to find and make friends. The town suddenly feels bigger................

October 12, 2015

Wow Gardenia Blossom - what a journey you have been on! And so amazing that you are starting to heal, starting to see the horizon, and the path to that horizon!

You wrote:

My agenda for the day is surrender, be more like the water, a new skill for me to master.

My Tai Chi Master takes it a step further.

Cutting a sword through rock is hard - and leaves a long lasting mark.

Cutting a sword through earth - not as hard, and the mark heals more quickly.

Cutting a sword through sand - becomes easier, and in a day, the mark is blown over.

Cutting a sword through water - and the water swirls, barely knowing the sword was there.

BUT - cut a sword through the air - and the molecules dance around the sword, embracing it, changing with the movement of the sword.

The element of the heart is air. Be like air.

Then, I was disturbed to hear this:

I don't appreciate being talked down to and told that I need to do more research before asking questions on this board when it's the condition that prevents me from doing any more than I'm able to. That behavior is condescending and aggressive. I don't feel I can afford to subject myself to that while I am so vulnerable. There's a way in which people can hide behind excessive anonymity and act aggressively in ways that are sanctioned in this kind of environment. I experienced that recently here and didn't appreciate it. So, I haven't been around as much as I was before.

Oh GB, I'm sorry to hear this, and sorry to hear you feel this way. I know nothing about the circumstances that led to this, I can only give you a taste of the "mod perspective."

I read a lot of horrific stories. Day in, day out. Amazingly, I have to smack myself because often it sounds like the same story I just read, and it's hard to remind myself that this is A NEW PERSON with the same problem. The questions are frequently the same, and often we are ignored, as the suggestions we make are inconvenient, or don't fit with the worldview of the person whose problem we are addressing. Sometimes it takes months for the light bulb to come on - and still - we persist.

Here are the most common ones: "But I have a chemical imbalance." "I need these drugs." "I'm afraid to go off." "I'm afraid to reinstate." "I'm going to taper too fast because I want the evil drug out of my system." "I'm going to ask my doctor." "I can't take this anymore I have to do something."

The same stories are repeated over and over, and it is easy for moderators - who are entirely volunteer - to lose it. To burn out. After our suggestions are ignored, or the links or information we provide isn't looked at or addressed, we feel helpless. There is not much else we can do. We are not counselors, we aren't even cheerleaders. We are librarians, holding a torch to point the way into the darkness - but we can't go into the darkness for you, we can only show you. I always hope to show an SA member what s/he needs right now, but - I am only human. And it's frustrating when I spend time, emotional & mental energy, and effort for someone, only to be ignored - which happens all too often.

Additionally, it is SA policy that we give you links to information - to set you on the course of finding out for yourself what you need to know to heal. This is because we don't know what you, as an individual, need to heal. Sadly, if you are too sick, or only have this site via mobile phone, this can be limited in its success.

I'm not writing this to excuse your feeling - I'm writing it to acknowledge your feeling, in the hopes that if you understand what a moderator is and does and experiences, you won't take personally what you may have felt was curt or demeaning.

In reading your thread, I see that you have been very good about taking charge of your own healing process. It is not so for everyone. If you felt diminished or demeaned by someone here, I am sorry. That was not the intent of the moderator, whoever it was. Please don't take it personally.

And the good news, you announce:

I've noticed that not all coffee throws me into a wave which is good news since I adore coffee.

Ah! Have you discovered BulletProof Coffee yet? Adding a little grass-fed butter (Kerrygold is the brand in the US, though Aldi organic butter is good, too) and coconut oil to your coffee? It slows the spikiness of coffee, and prevents that after-coffee crash, too.

I hope you will continue to grace our forums - you have a quiet, gentle spirit, and we'd love to hear of your writing and art - and celebrate your recovery!

And - I hope you see the sun today!

Most wonderful post Jan Carol, I have so enjoyed reading this thread, so wonderful to read from someone who writes so beautifully............ I also was an artist, I love clay.............. one day, I may do it again. meantime.... I need to grab my camera! Thanks so much for the inspiration GB!!!!

October 15, 2015

Tomorrow, it will be a full year since I took psychiatric drugs. I am in another window. On days like today, I feel like one day I will recover completely from not just the withdrawal but also the 16 years I was on psychiatric drugs. I hope I am right.

I was smiling when I read this, I also had a lovely big window which started around Oct 1. I'm sure that windows are small previews of the full recovery which we are headed for.

I've just been reading through your thread and as I was reading I was noticing a beautiful fragrance filling my room, it was strange because there was nowhere for this to be coming from, then I noticed your name and wondered if this is what Gardenia Blossoms smell like. As I finished your thread, the fragrance faded away.

I don't appreciate being talked down to and told that I need to do more research before asking questions on this board when it's the condition that prevents me from doing any more than I'm able to. That behavior is condescending and aggressive. I don't feel I can afford to subject myself to that while I am so vulnerable.

I'm sorry you received an upsetting response from another member, in response to a question you asked in the 'how to use this site' topic, I think this is what you are referring to. Please don't take it personally or let it discourage you from using the site, if this is still causing you concern, please send me a PM.

December 4, 2015

I love that image, Petunia. Thank you for mentioning it. I love the smell of gardenias. It's one of my favourite scents.

December 4, 2015

Ang, I understand and appreciate that perspective. Thanks for explaining it. What you all may be experiencing sounds something like compassion fatigue. I cannot imagine taking the role you do. The episodes I've had of being talked down to here didn't occur with moderators. I think I described this before in an earlier post, but when someone with cognitive impairment cannot do the research necessary to find information, then a "librarian" is necessary but not one whose tone is condescending or abrasive. In order to maintain a space where people feel safe and can come to heal, this cannot be allowed to occur on a consistent basis, in my opinion. I mentioned my experience to make others who follow my thread aware of one reason I didn't plan to and (now) don't frequent this space any longer. Thanks, again, for addressing my concern though.

December 4, 2015

Last month, I had what was for me a really long window. It lasted for about 11 days. I was not completely symptom free. So, it was a partial window, but it was glorious nonetheless. Then, Thanksgiving arrived. The holidays are generally a stressful time for me. I had hoped to have healed a lot more than I have at a year and two months off what was essentially a cold turkey, but alas. .. I am only where I am, i.e. still very much struggling. Today is not a good day. My mind is scrambled and my body aches. I cannot think clearly. I feel so vulnerable when I'm in a wave like this, as though I have made little progress and will never recover. This is such a difficult process.

I've noticed how much self confidence I've lost during this process and how much I've been relying on unhealthy coping behaviors, like eating unhealthy foods when I'm anxious, for example. I wonder if I'll ever recover my confidence (or my life) and if so how. Maybe that's a task I should wait to take on once I'm stronger and further along in the process.

I struggle with shame when communicating how sick I still feel and describing the process I'm going through with people, especially those who have little to no frame of reference re: psych drug wd. The rejection I've experienced during this time has been devastating to my self-esteem. In addition, people I encounter on a day to day basis (and even friends) have no idea what I'm going through and even when they do, the difficulty of the recovery process. I find it painful when it is possible to describe. Others, particularly strangers and acquaintances think I'm fine. I'm pretty good at presenting myself as someone who is able to function which is a double edged sword. The reality is that I'm deeply impaired, and I feel demoralized when I explain, mention, or remind people of that. My family is frustrated with me as are friends. I am frustrated with myself and the length of time it's taking to recover. Several relationships with friends, family, and acquaintances have ended because they were too stressful for me to manage.

Earlier on, a therapist who is well versed re: psych drug wd encouraged me to reach out, find support, and overcome my isolation but that process has become increasingly challenging. It's so hard to stay motivated and keep going.

December 7, 2015

Thank you for updating and for sharing what you are experiencing GB. I relate to most of what you have written, I've also lost much of what was my life and am frustrated with how long this recovery process is taking.

I've come to the conclusion that its impossible to describe accurately how difficult and challenging this particular illness/situation is to anyone who hasn't experienced it, so I don't even try any more. I do my best to console myself with the fact that we do recover eventually, if not completely, then to a level where life becomes enjoyable again and worth living. Windows give glimpses of that future, even if they close temporarily.

Lack of motivation, for reaching out for support and anything else, seems to be a common stage of the recovery process. 'Demotivation' is a symptom which I'm sure will go away over time. During my windows I've felt motivated to reach out and do all kinds of things I normally have no energy or interest in.

I've also had to endure shame at not being able to meet my own expectations and those of others, even when other people are not outwardly demanding that we do more, its still there, unspoken, we need to hurry up and get ourselves together. This time of the year creates even more pressure.

I've been going through this a little longer than you and what I've learned is the more I can let go and accept my current limitations, ignoring external pressure to be different, the easier it gets. Recovery is going to take as long as it takes and once we can settle in and accept that, doing the best we can to take care of ourselves from day to day, the smoother the journey gets.

This is a mostly unknown, unacknowledged invisible condition, so its not surprising it would be an isolating thing to go through. Reaching out for support sounds logical, but its not easy to find support for 'this' in the real world, the online withdrawal community and some spirituality based resources is the best support I've found, just enough to keep me going. But I'm lucky in that I haven't received any harsh or critical replies to my posts, I'm sorry that happened to you and you are right, this should be a safe place for us, we are doing our best to make it that way for everyone.

You're not alone in going through this, there are lots of us here experiencing the same struggles. Have you explored some of our other forums? Finding meaning Relationships and Off-topic have some interesting discussions you can join to help ease the feelings of isolation. Also, visiting other introduction threads and offering support to others can encourage feelings of connection.

Petunia.

December 22, 2015

Thank you so much for your insight, warmth, and encouragement, Petunia. They are so appreciated.

December 22, 2015

Hang in there , Gardenia Blossom.

I so love your name. You will be ok . It's so easy to be misunderstood, in this context. I recently had my own " misunderstanding ". It's easy to get " bent out of shape ". Try not to take it personally , if you can. With " neuro - emotions , it can be hard , at times, but try if you can to stay calm.

Ali.

December 29, 2015

I figured something out. I combined a 5:1 ration of raw honey to pink Himalayan salt to help me feel more rested in the morning when I woke up for about a week. I put a little under my tongue every night before I went to sleep. I noticed the effects and felt it helped a lot. Then, I heard about another remedy: 3/4 tsp pink Himalayan salt mixed in approx. 3 ounces of water before bed. So, I tried that. I think my body may be deficient in the minerals this salt provides, because the next morning, I felt calmer, more integrated, and had significantly more energy. It didn't feel like a "window" in the way other windows have. I felt more like my overall system had been supported in a way it needed.

Last night I only drank half of the mixture and today do not feel the equivalent effect that I did yesterday though I do feel somewhat better than usual.

GardeniaBlossom: 16 years on/ 8 months off

Recommended Posts

Pugknows

Link to comment

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Iamfine

Link to comment