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Some insights/hopeful thoughts- "The Big Picture"


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Still in withdrawal....Mainly on and off headaches.


I am trying to be level headed and not get carried away with negative thinking like "I wish I wouldn't have gone on this stuff, doctors, pharma are evil, etc." as it only makes me suffer in the end.


I realized that the goal in my life is just "to be happy" and "free." To really find myself.


I am sure if it wasn't for the pain we are all going through now (as well as the pain of my past.) I would never be able to appreciate the delicate nature of life, and how precious and short it is.


That's why I think it's so important to really honour and treasure things like our brain and hearts, and always listen to our intuition. We do not want to pollute our brains or minds or bodies, etc. because we are all sacred and very delicate. Life does not last forever, so while we are here, we must honour what the higher power wants from us. I believe the high power, or "god" or "consciousness" wants us all to be happy and treat ourselves with loving compassion. If we don't, if we don't listen to our intuition, unfortunately, there are many people in the world that are still not conscious enough that they pollute our bodies and minds unknowingly.


If you guys are interested, Eckhart Tolle talks a lot about this.


In some strange way, I honestly think that God or consciousness is on our side if we really believe in it. I think often consciousness or god brings us pain, and great suffering so that we would pay attention to the higher power and not neglect our spiritual selves.


I am sure many of you guys have become more spiritual after this whole withdrawal ordeal. I have noticed it on this forum a lot. How people are very kind to one another, more than probably other places, and it might be due to the suffering we all endured.


It has brought us together and made us closer to god.


Anyways, this is just my opinion.


But, I do myself believe in a higher power, and I think it is currently making us suffer in order to "wake us up" to the truth and reality.


After this whole ordeal, I am sure many of guys will also be much much more wise and trusting of your intuition, rather than what "society" or "the doctors" say. If somebody is ever pushing me to do something a little too enthusiastically these days, or is indifferent, however "nice" they appear to be, I always listen to my intuition and know that person cannot be trusted.


You cannot trust someone who is not "there," whether that is doctors, big pharma, and people who call themselves saints or priests.


In fact, I strongly believe that people who become doctors and pharmacists, and who want power and control, they are mentally ill themselves. The reason I say this is because if you cannot see a human being as a human being, but rather as a machine or just an object, that is very sick indeed.


I believe in a way we are all sick in a sense that we can always be more compassionate to one another and see each other and ourselves as human beings, rather than robots, able to withstand anything. I mean that is probably the reason the doctors hand out the meds like candy. They do not realize human beings are not immortal, they are fragile and vulnerable and can get sick, die, etc.


We are all fragile (I mean in a sense that we are not machines but living beings with hopes, desires, pain, sadness, joy, etc.)

2010 started 10 mg celexa, 2011 went up to 20 mg

06/2014 started tapering (20 mg,10 mg alternate days)

19/09/2014 crashed at 10 mg

20/09/2014 updosed to 20 mg to try and stabilize- Never stabilized and CNS basically plummeted

August 31 2015- Started my 5% taper anyways

May 3 2016- At 14 mg the tapering caught up with me- Withdrawal included severe anxiety, feeling like im on speed, suicidal and homicidal ideation, akathesia, feeling like I was on heroin, memory loss, PGAD, feeling like I was on an acid

May 4 2016- Updosed to 15.5 mg to try and stabilize

​June 4- Started taking 2 mg 5 times a day which adds up to 10 mg because of akathesia when taking my full dose. Akathesia symtpoms smaller

July 27th- Dropped from 15.5 mg to 10 mg because could no longer tolerate taking drug- bad side effects mainly akathesia and emotional deadness.

​Oct 11- Improved a lot since May 4th after my crash. Withdrawal symptoms still left- DR/DP, emotional anasthesia, akathesia, tingling in head, feeling like my body and face disappears, messed up sound interpretation, perception and difficulty reading social and emotional cues during DR/DP, apathy, inability to tell if I am in dream or reality, disturbed sleep. Started having few windows

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I do believe that despite having lost my faith many years ago, I am now seeking God's help throughout this ordeal which means daily prayers to him on my daily walks - this is my meditation time I guess.  


These walks have become MY time to really come to terms with WD and edge towards acceptance etc.,


Also, you mention Eckhart Tolle - well, his teachings are now firmly in the back of my mind and an additional source of comfort as well as providing a basis and understanding of what our suffering means mentally and physically.


JC x

Dose History: 19 Feb 2014 - Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms faded. Held at this dose and experienced "windows and waves". 12 Oct 2017 Reduced dose to 1.25mg. 13 Mar 2018 Reduced dose to 0.625mg (approx.). 16 April 2018 0mg. Windows and waves triggered by stress (IBS/reflux, headaches, sinus issues) Aug 2019 Mirena coil fitted 6 Jan 2020 MAJOR Wave hit 19 months following last dose (protracted WD).  Symptoms listed below Mar 2020 Mirena coil removal.

Therapy: Nov 15th 2016 Re-started therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT Dec 2017 Started listening to Hypnotherapy CD (self-esteem). Nov 2019 Started couples therapy.

Supplements: "Bioglan" Biotic Balance Ultimate Flora 10 billion CFU, live Bacteria, Probiotic, suitable for Vegetarians, with Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Lactobacillus Rhamnosus, Bifidobacterium Longum"Pukka" Vitalise a unique blend of 30 energising botanicals.

Diet: 16 April 2018 Detox cleanse / anti-candida for 90 days. Jan 2020 Started "small plate" diet (i.e child size portions).

Exercise: Stretching, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, Elliptical/upper body workout, walking.

Medical Test Results: 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program 24 Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment + anti-Candida diet started due to suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). DETOXED for 7 weeks to "re-set" gut. April 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Comprehensive Stool Analysis NEGATIVE; Full Blood Count (Normal) / Blood Cholesterol: 5.6 (Borderline) / Blood Sugar (Normal) / 28 Jun 2017 FSH 8.2 / 14 Nov 2017 FSH 17.7 Dec 2017 Blood Cholesterol: 3.9 (Normal) / Kidney Function (Normal) / Blood Sugar (Normal). December 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Food panel allergy (bloodwork) analysis - a few "VERY LOW/VL" allergens; Mar 2018 "Genova Diagnostics" SIBO urine analysis: High Level of Yeast/fungal markers found in small intestine but NO SIBO.  April 2018 Thyroid (Normal) / Full Blood Count (Normal) / FSH (Normal). 16 April 2018 Started anti-Candida diet - 3 month protocol.   25 March 2020 All test results "Normal". CRP" 5 mg/L (normal range to 0-5 mg/L).

Symptoms:  Flu-like symptoms, anxiety, anhedonia, sinus headaches right-side (severe), IBS issues/reflux (severe)**, tinnitus, fatigue, inner tremor, nausea, chills/hot flushes, pounding heart, muscular issues including stiff left hip flexor, intense anger, PSSD (ongoing).  **Histhamine intolerance (suspected).

Major Life Events: 

Re-located to UK from Canada: Jan 2016

My father died: 5:05pm, Monday 5 Feb 2018 Last Lexapro dose: 16 April 2018 (its now been over a year since I quit ADs)  Moved house: Friday 23rd February 2018  "Divorced" toxic Mother: Monday 26 March 2018 Starting working again: 19 November 2018  Diagnosed with: 5th August 2021 PTSD/C-PTSD Diagnosed with: March 2022 Interstitial Cystitis (IC)/Painful bladder syndrome

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