spectio: Is this Depression or Withdrawal?

[flower]

My aunt feeds these cats also at a mental institution where they are dropped off at the barns. She found funding and a vet to help spay. Also found folks to help buy food . She traps them takes them for shots and to be fixed and then takes them back to the barns. She goes there every day to feed them. They are grateful, she believes. God Bless you. You are doing a good thing. I wish I could post pics of these cats coming to be fed.

[spectio]

Flower, you can't believe how uplifting your message made me feel. I've been down in the dumps for days over this and hearing your kind words really brought me, temporarily anyway, out of the land of guilt and hopelessness. Thank you SOO much. HUGGS AND LOVE

[flower]

You've got a good start on a hard journey I see from your signature.. Keep busy with the kittys, let time pass. Damn this anxiety..I wish spring would come. My Aunt picked up a kitty being tortured by some kids, it's eye was hanging out! She still has "Jack" and he runs the house, with 6 other kitties being on the mend. We have a wonderful animal clinic here..

[spectio]

Hey, flower, does the gabapentin help your anxiety. Is that also what the trasadone is for? I'm not taking anything right now but boy do I need some help with the anxiety lately. It's cutting into my sleep and I'm waking up way too early. That sets me up for worse anxiety during the day. What a merry go round of misery!!

 

I definitely know how miserable this all is with no end in sight!!

 

Your friend, spectio!

[flower]

I take gabapentin for pain. I don't know if it helps with anxiety or not. Because of pain I couldn't sleep so Trazadone was introduced. I don't take alot and will not take more but Trazadone really helps me sleep and wake up calm when I'm not WDing from Celexa. Have you considered an updose? What did the folks here suggest you do?

[flower]

Have you looked into that BP pill? I tapered one and they have their evils.

[spectio]

Flower, I spent four awful months this last summer trying other b. p. pills on for size. Boy what a catastrophe. The beta blocker made me so depressed I could barely get out of my chair and the calcium channel blocker caused so many side effects I could barely count them all. Then the cardiologist adamantly believed that none of the psychiatric side effects were due to the drugs.

 

I went back to the ace inhibitor I'd been on and except for the cough, I don't thnk it has caused any really significant problems. I could be wrong but I did try other drugs and I truly have h.b.p. and need something.

 

I think I'm too far removed from going back to the A.D. I don't miss the nausea, the dizzyness, the headaches, and the inability to think, etc. etc. but I am sure sick to death of the anxiety.

 

Another brother in the fight, g. I joe man, is WD from remeron, and is also having horrendous anxiety. I don't know how many other remeron victims are out there and have similar stories. I would really like to hear from them!

 

Anyway, Flower, thanks for asking about me and offering advise. I really, really appreciate you!!

 

Thanks, spectio

[flower]

Thanks for the info on the channel blockers and and beta blockers..I sometimes get desperate for relief and I know if I ask Doc for anything,she'll give to me. So far the vistaril has gotten me this far. I've always been able to give it up for several weeks at a time. But the anxiety always comes back. This time I can't shed the vertigo and the head stuff. This stuff wasn't an issue until this last episode of tapering to fast. Now I can't seem to get a grip. I'm trying to stay put but it's hard.

[Timinjapan]

Hey, good friends, I'm sorely in need of advise. In my small town where I live I have been feeding colonies of cats for years. In the last few years people have been progressively complaining more and more about the colonies. I've been trying to do my feeding covertly and laying low. It seems like people get a lot more interested if they see you feeding. Then it becomes a huge problem.

 

It has been so cold here. The last three weeks the daytime temperature have not reached freezing and the nighttime temps are sometimes below zero. At one of my colonies, I made the fatal,mistake if moving water up by a fence that is directly adjacent to another persons fence. These particular people, the wife especially, HATE cats. I knew they were both at work until noon but didn't realize until later that I had ended up there during the lunch hour. All I did was check the water and leave a can of food for a cat that got away from me when I was at the shop (my office was right around the corner from these people; these people bought my office building and then sent me away). I also called to him to come eat and then left because he's shy. I got home at 1:30 and this "human being" had already called animal control to complain.

 

I can't let go of the fear. I'm afraid I won't be able to continue feeding and I'm truly afraid for my cat that lives around these people's property. I visited with a friend yesterday who gave me real insight into what had just happened. This woman's response was really not about the cats, it was a reaction to seeing me violate her code of etiquette.

 

My response to animal control was to start trapping cats. As much as I hate the idea, I realize this has got to stop. There really are too many animals that are suffering and dying and I can't take care of all of them. It's so sad but I can't fix the situation and in this small town, allies are few and far between. If a property owner complains about the cats, that's pretty much the end of the discussion.

 

When I was in practice, I would routinely trap, neuter, and return or tame the kittens and find homes for them. I can't do this anymore and I really don't want to. It's hard work and it never ends. Couple that with feeling thiis way , anxious, scared and depressed pretty much paralyzes me.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this gamut of feelings I'm having about this problem. It's getting overwhelming and Im afraid for my sanity.

 

I really don't expect anyone to come up with a magic solution for these cats because there is none. What I would like from my friends is how to deal with the fear, guilt, anxiety, and depression over something that is not solvable. And this stuff, for me, happens ALL THE TIME . But this one, for me has me sick in my soul.

 

Suggestions, comments,anything anybody??

 

Well, I understand something of what you are going through because I live in a rural area where most people are cool to strays and many are cruel to them. My wife and I keep 12 cats at present and more than that number of ex-moggies are buried in our cat cemetery. We've always spayed or neutered any animals that came to live with us apart from one old fighter who had lost a front paw to a trap. We thought he needed to keep his masculinity intact. At present, there's a stray Dalmatian dog that's living in our valley in a sorry state and we are trying to tame him but at the moment he won't come within 50 yards of a human being. But at least he's eating now and the neighbors are not complaining yet.

 

What I think you can do to dispel the fear, guilt, anxiety and depression over your situation is this. First, a bit of mindfulness. Recognize that your thoughts on this are thoughts and not necessarily the truth of the matter, and your feelings are feelings and also not necessarily the truth of the matter. I borrowed that from Jon Kabat Zinn. Second, tally up in your mind all you've done for these abandoned, stray or feral animals over the years. Recognize that it hasn't all been in vain. It has made a big difference in the lives of a lot of these kitties. Pat yourself on the back for that, and understand that the Cat God - there must be one up there somewhere - appreciates what you've done and is duty bound to reward you by taking away some of your pain. It just so happens that the Universe works that way.

 

Next, understand that you can't continue to go on feeding strays without taking responsibility for spaying or neutering them. That said, you may be able to rescue some individuals in future, but not all. So just do what you can. Also, you could try to reach out to others either locally or not so locally who feel the same way about this issue and try to get their cooperation. If you can't get cooperation, so be it.

 

In my local area getting cooperation would be very difficult, because many of the local people still have an attitude that is not so far away from the "drown kittens and puppies in the river" mentality that was prevalent almost everywhere in times past. Thankfully in Tokyo there are almost no stray cats any more because over the past 20 years government-subsidized "community cat" projects have sprung up and there are enough compassionate people around to do the necessary work of rescuing, spaying/neutering and homing these animals and finding out and prosecuting people who abandon pet cats or dogs on the streets. But out in the small towns, this approach will not work.

 

More than anything, don't fret about what you can't do or what you can't change. Credit yourself for what you have done, keep doing what you can, and realize that even saving one cat is a noble and worthwhile achievement. As for the neighbors, I don't know your precise situation, and I know it's a challenge, but if I were you I'd try to avoid doing anything that rubs them up the wrong way. Any community will consist of fair numbers of animal lovers and animal haters — and never the twain shall meet — plus those who don't care one way or the other. For both lovers and haters, the issue is emotive. But you recognize that breaking your heart is not going to help matters. If you can learn to "become a bigger container" for your feelings so that you can compartmentalize them, you will be able to go on feeling compassion and sadness for the cats and the tough lives they are born into without this leading you into to depression or worse.

[spectio]

Good morning, Tim, your message resonated with me on all fronts. It's all wise advise and I am laboring to incorporate this into my thinking. It is not an easy job. I am working with a therapist over this issue and several others. Mostly my issues revolve around trying to fix things, because that's what I've done my whole life; especially seem to be drawn to things I was never meant to fix and that no single person is MEANT to fix!

 

It sounds like my community is VERY much like yours. The Animal control officer breeds dogs and gives them away when she can't find homes for them. She turns unspayed and uneutered cats out on farms and around the animal shelter itself. She also believes that spay and neuter should be a "personal choice" for pet owners. She and her husband trap animals.

 

Therein lies some of the dilemma I am going through. I really think I'm comfortable with euthanasia as a solution for these colonies. The problem is how do I let animal control start the process if I'm not sure these animals will be humanely euthanized? Or worse, turned out on a farm or used as bait for trapping? I'm not sure she knows what the word humane really means.

 

So, there's where I'm at. Is it more humane to let things go as they are, feed the cats, knowing they're lives are going to be short anyway , have animal control trap, or S/N in some fashion and wait for the inevitable complaints to come in to dispose of the already fixed cats.

 

I truly understand what you say about compartmentalize my feelings about this and I am really trying. This is an issue that truly is close to my soul in importance. It would be hard for a person NOT coming off AD's.

 

You are right Bout the people in a community. There are all kinds out there. Another cat lover in my town believes we need to get numbers together and see what we can do. At least for someone like me, I wouldn't feel so alone in my despair and maybe we can start shining a light on the lack of empathy my little town has about animals, and cats in particular!

 

Anyway, thank you SOO much for your heart felt comments. I really appreciate you and commend you for your love and devotion to our little friends. Hope you get the Dalmatian!!

 

Your friend, spectio!

[Jemima]

You might want to team up with that other person in your community and organize something like this:

 

Stray Cat Blues

 

They are a local organization that helps strays get healthy and find homes and they also work with feral cats, trapping, spaying, and neutering them and finding barn homes for them. I believe the veterinary services are either donated or deeply discounted.

 

It might be a wonderful way to find meaning and purpose in your life again.

[Timinjapan]

Good morning, Spectio. I hope today will be a good one for both of us. The good news is the dog, Pavlov, is now allowing me to get within about a yard of him, and he's coming to the patio to eat mornings and evenings as if it was his local diner. While I still prefer to find him a good old fashioned home that need's a good old fashioned dog, there's a good chance he'll come to live here. One major issue is that we have a dozen cats, and they will certainly try to veto his acceptance as house dog. But I could start him out with a Snoopy-style dog house.

 

I've been feeling more than usually depressed for the past two weeks, and I put it down to a combination of dropping my dose of both my meds plus a shortage of work - I'm a freelance translator - and the coming year's prospects are not that rosy from where I'm sitting. In w/d, any worry about anything at all can take on gargantuan proportions. Fortunately though, some friends of ours invited my wife and I out to the local cinema today to watch Les Miserables. I would have preferred The Hobbit, but this movie was quite watchable and the evening out has lifted my mood. I found it more like an opera than a conventional musical. In fact, hardly any of the lines are spoken. But more than anything, I came away from watching Les Miserables with the realization that most human beings throughout history have lived much tougher lives than the one I'm living, and I felt shame that I'm complaining about my lot at all, as my lot really is quite a lot. Of course, that won't stop me feeling sorry for myself again by tomorrow morning.

 

Our version of animal control is known as the Hokkensho, which translates as Public Health Center. They will collect unwanted or potentially dangerous or nuisance animals and try to find homes for the more homable ones. But the bulk of what they collect are euthanized, although that's a euphemism. What actually happens in many cases is they are killed in a gas chamber. This practice was once very common in Japan and is still far too common, although it is on the decline. I don't mean to shock you, but it is a plain fact, and it's one reason why I would never call them in to take away a stray animal.

 

I think Jemima's idea is excellent. Spectio, even though you don't have the confidence to work as a veterinarian at the moment, you still have the necessary skills. Being on and coming off ADs can make us feel very unconfident, as I know well. But it's an effect of the drugs and it will pass eventually once we've been off the drugs for a long enough period. It isn't forever.

[spectio]

Hi, Tim, sorry you had an uncomfortable day. The truly acceptable days are few and far between it seems, at least for me. I'm glad you enjoyed Les Mis. My husband and I I saw "The Hobbit " on Saturday and I really enjoyed it. We dearly loved " Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I won't tell you much about it other than it is part one of two parts. The scenery was beautiful like in the trilogy and the story was good. I always loved the story behind Les Mis. I think I've seen every tv version out there.

 

I'm so glad you're getting close to Pavlov. Are stray dogs common there? Is he pure bred Dalmatian? How are people's attitudes toward animals in your town? Do you get a feeling one way or another? I've often thought how wonderful it would be to adopt an old dog from the shelter to take on walks and car rides. But I, too, have a similar problem with my herd of felines. I'm afraid I'd find the dog gone during the night and no one would fess up to it. It's been a long time since we had a dog and the atmosphere was pretty strained then, too. I think I only had 6 or 7 cats then. Now I have 15. Oye vey!! I certainly didn't set out to have 15 cats. I'm sure you didn't set out to have your dozen.

 

Do you have rescue groups you work with? It seems like us animal lovers are always running into these dire situations where everyone else has blinders on. Kind of like in Les Mis. Must be the way that starving, abused animals feel, abandoned, sick, and starving.

 

I guess animal control in small communities must share a similar attitude towards their charges. There's not enough money, too many animals, and the people that run them feel it is their supreme right to do things the way they want too.

 

My friend here who wants to get a group together put an ad in the local paper reading something like"would like to start a group of concerned citizens about the issue of stray animals". I guess the anmal control officer came unglued. I have a friend in the city office where animal control regularly checks in and my friend said the A.C. Complained bitterly that this person was interfering with her job and was a horrible person. I was so proud of my friend who said no that's not what Dan is wanting to do. He just wants to see if there are alternatives to just trapping and euthanizing, etc. it didn't seem to soothe the A.C. Officer. I'm glad. Maybe she can loose some sleep over this issue. That would be ok with me!

 

You're right about my role in this. I'm still pretty sick as far as taking on responsibilities again. It's been very hard for me in this little town as far as recovery is concerned. I've tried to keep working but my anxiety levels would just knock me down. I've haven't had confidence in my work for a very long time. This situation does have me thinking though that there might be something I could do. I've day dreamed of doing some trapping and S/N on my own just to see how my nervous system would handle it. I cleaned some of my S/N paks tonight and gathered some equipment together. I've been really tortured by these constant thoughtsi n my head of just letting it go. The anxiety and accompanied depression have been very intense. I guess in some ways I would like to do something just to see if I can get some relief from the Anx/Depression thing. I really don't want to take drugs but my sleep is being compromised so I need to try something.

 

There are a lot of people in the world who would like to see animals treated with dignity and love, like the group Jemima wrote about. My town has 2500 to 3000 people in it. It is basically a farming community with very disinterested at best attitudes about animals. But I know from being in the office that there are some animals lovers here too that maybe with a little encouragement would come out of hiding and participate in changing thngs. At the very least to get anmal control to follow state law and S/N animals adopted from the shelter. AT THE VERY LEAST!

 

Thank you so much, Tim for writing me back about your dog rescue. That makes me very happy! And I really do appreciate your comments about how to live with this dilemma. I've read your letter a number of times. I can tell you are a very empathetic person and I value your comments and suggestions.

 

Hoping tomorrow is a much better day for you!!

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio. Fifteen felines adds up to a lot of feeding and litter emptying, not to mention all the other little inconveniences. We had 13 at one time, then it dropped to six, and now it's up to a dozen again, and that's quite enough for this lifetime. My day's been OK. We had it cold and cloudy but the weather is getting warmer and wetter this evening. I woke to some ANTs (automatic negative thoughts), this time once again related to how the poor economy is going to impact on my freelance finances. Well, I'm sure half the world would love to have my problems in exchange for their own. Anyway, I read some Dale Carnegie "How to Stop Worrying and...", which didn't do much for "the Doom Cloud", as there's nothing like w/d-related tinnitus to keep that hovering overhead. But a week's worth of work came in for me this morning, which helped a bit.

 

Around 10 am, our neighbor across the road came over to tell us his mother (aged 87) had died early this morning in hospital, so there will be a wake tomorrow evening and a funeral on Wednesday, She was a nice old lady and we'll miss her. I went over this afternoon with my wife to pay our last respects. Like the Irish, the Japanese bring the deceased back home and lay them in their bed - or in this case a futon - and friends, relatives and neighbors can call in to say goodbye and light some incense. No whisky in the Japanese version, though. Her husband was bearing up well. He told us the story of her final illness and gave a detailed account of her final hours. He spoke with pride of the fact that she had lived for 13 years since her pancreas was removed to eradicate a cancer, and that most people don't survive more than five years after that operation.

 

As for Pavlov, I've observed him up close and discovered that he is an English Setter, not a Dalmatian at all. They are well known for going AWOL, so I guess that explains what he's doing around here. The wife and I have basically agreed to take him into our family if his original owner can't be traced. But whether he will stand still long enough I have no idea. This afternoon he was eating on the porch and a baby tanuki (raccoon dog) weighing no more than 7~8 lbs. came up and barked at him. And this 40-lb. lump of hunting dog took to his heels and galloped away.

 

Small American towns scare me when I hear about the amount of power the local Sheriff, or in your case the local AC Officer has, and how easy it is for them to abuse it. I suppose I have the old pop song Nutbush City Limits in mind. Of course there is a stereotype at work and the reality is never so black and white. But I think that in the UK where I'm from and in Japan where I live now, public officials in positions of authority like this are not given as much freedom to let their personal ideas and agendas and style of working rule the roost - at least not these days. I think I'd be happier if the NSPCA were supplying or accrediting the AC Officers or at least monitoring them.

 

I think you may have needed some kind of medication when you came down with your anxiety/depression disorder, as some kind of sedation can be very helpful when your nerves just won't let up. On the other hand, continuing to take the remeron was doing you more harm than good, so getting off it, as gently as possible, was a good strategy. Were you slow enough in your taper? For instance, did you taper faster than 10% per month? Anyway, you don't know yet how you are going to be when you are properly weaned and off completely for a few months at least, so there's no need to think about that now. I'm in a similar boat to you in that I don't like what my meds have done to me, but the more I taper the lousier the nervous reactions get. That's why I've got my tapers on hold right now. I feel like I'm descending a steep cliff without enough footholds or pitons sometimes.

 

Are you doing anything else to help your body and mind calm down? I'm practicing yoga (with guidance from Barbara Benagh on DVD), mindfulness meditation with Jon Kabat Zinn, reading some inspiring and helpful books such as Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes, Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck, Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey Brantley, and one you may have heard of called The New Testament (the Old Testament is too gory for my nervous system in its current state). I also dip into Montaigne, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius a lot, and I'm looking into other ancient philosophers - who faced a lot of the same problems we do both with the world and with themselves. When I get up in the morning or if I wake in the middle of night, it can very calming to read inspirational words.

 

Oh well, I do go on, don't I?

[spectio]

Hey, Tim, how have the last couple of days been for you? I hope ok, but I know how much of a crap shoot that is. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Sunday night my anxiety levels were so high I couldn't shut off the obsessive thoughts. Once in awhile I take neurontin to help with the anxiety, help with sleep, and for a day it does seem to help. I've made the mistake two or three times, though, of convincing myself that maybe ill take it two nights in a row and that way ill get ahead of my sleep deficit and everything will be peachy. Well, today was not so good. My anxiety levels were pretty strong, even though I'd slept well. So, no more drugs for a while.

 

Anyway, what I really wanted to tell you is that today, despite the intense anxiety, all day long, I gathered up my cat traps, and all my spay, neuter equipment, which I've been amassing for about a week now, and set about to trap cats. I set traps in two locations, and managed to trap five young cats, all breeding age. There were four males and I female. Now they are ex- breeders, have been ear notched, and vaccinated and tomorrow I will turn them loose back where they were trapped . I'm fortunate in that four of the five are actually claimed by the people where I feed, although I have been feeding them ( what's wrong with this picture? ). Actually had a conversation with the wife who wondered where I was going with the cats. I told them I was fixing them. She said, " oh that's awesome! ". And then I said "so now you can feed them". She seemed to take that well so, maybe in the end this will be a good thing.

 

The one remaining cat is kind of a dilemma. He is all feral. I hate to bring him back to the property I trapped him in because the neighbors hate cats. I've already had two complaints. The first complaint resulted in the property owner trapping the cats under the mobile home where they had been living. I didn't know for almost four days. He was one of those cats. The other complaint was from the next door neighbor who is livid because they've had to replace TWO sets of patio furniture because of the cat scratching them, I guess. These are the last neighbors to complain, about a week ago when I put water in the sun to thaw and they saw me next to their fence. I'm thinking of putting him at the one colony that isn't in town. Its next to a slough by a camp park. Not a lot of places to hide but there's always water and food. Havn't had complaints there for a while.

 

What is a raccoon dog?

 

On the stress front, I've been a long time transcendental meditator for years. I meditated for seven years before going down the dark road of AD's. the ten or 11 years I was on them I still meditated though I don't know how much it was able to help me. And now, I find it is kind of hit or miss with how sessions are but I do meditate most days, twice a day for 30 to 40 minutes. I'm also doing yoga once a day, most days, and I try to walk at least 3 or 4 times aweek. The weather has been so cold with daytime temps barely creeping over 30 and nights in the single if not negative digits. I have starte reading Kabat-Zin's book "full catastrophe living". I wish I could sit still long enough to read the whole book. He has some terrific suggestions. Meditation always spoke to me. The seven years I meditated prior to my depression/anxiety downfall were the absolute best years ever. I remember being so calm and accepting. I'd sure like to get my brain back there.

 

What a terrifically hard journey! I really do like have my thinking brain back, though! I wish I could retrain it not to constantly think fearful, obsessive, irrational thoughts!!

 

And what happened with your day? How's Pavlov?

 

Your friend, Spectio!

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio, you asked how I've been. Actually, a window opened for me yesterday afternoon and today's been good. I think it's the first consistently good day I've had since January 4. I could put that down to holding my doses stable now for two weeks. Before that I had been sliding a bit every day for over a month and it may have been catching up with me. Another thing that contributed to my good mood today was the blue sky. I was able to get out, chop some firewood, air the futons, pillows and blankets and get a bit of sun on my skin. It all helps.

 

Yesterday afternoon I attended a neighbor's funeral and I had expected the experience to be a bit of a trial. But in the event I felt sad for the family and especially for the deceased's husband, who was in tears, but I didn't feel rotten inside. After coming home, I felt the window opening up and although it still feels fragile, I do have a genuinely good mood now.

 

The dog is still dining at this establishment. The major problem is that this dog is extremely afraid of anything that moves or makes a sound. As a vet, could you give me a general opinion? This approx. 25kg dog runs along the lane - he's got plenty of energy now he's being fed daily - comes up to our porch and sniffs around for food. I put out a bowl of food and he backs off, coming back to the bowl when I close the door or if I stand very still and quiet. After he eats, he runs off back down the lane. He runs if a cat hisses at him. He runs from the baby tanuki. He runs when he hears people in the street. He does a Carl Lewis impression when any loud machinery starts up. All in all, he's a very tense and nervous little boy. I guess I'm going to have to train him to eat at regular meal times and gradually close the physical distance between us.

 

Spectio, it's good to hear you had a pretty good Tuesday at least. When I have anxiety the issues that play on my mind seem so real and so ominous - that's what I call the Doom Cloud. But in many cases the thoughts are about things that are not going to happen for years yet, if at all. Anxiety turns possibilities, even remote ones, into perceived certainties.

 

 

Anyway, while I was attending my funeral, you got your act together and went out trapping, spaying an neutering. That is awesome - or as we Brits used to say, highly commendable. Here in Japan, vets charge 15 to 20,000 yen to spay a male and about 30,000 yen to neuter a female. So had you done your work here and charged the doting owners for it you would have contributed about 100,000 yen (US$1,200) to the GDP and saved the nation from fiscal ruin. As it is, you have helped contain the local feral cat population in the most humane way possible, and you can pat yourself on the back for that. It should also be recognized locally that you are doing a public service. At the very least, the local newspapers and radio stations should be reporting on you as one of the good guys.

 

According to WIkipedia, the raccoon dog, also known as the magnut or tanuki, is a canid indigenous to East Asia. It is the only extant species in the genus Nyctereutes. It is considered a basal canid species, resembling ancestral forms of the family. Please read the article-it's very interesting. Apparently these little guys from East Asia have conquered large areas of Eastern Europe. But you don't have to worry about them yet in Nevada. They are all over the Japanese countryside and are not bashful about begging food from humans. There are old folk tales about them bewitching people into thinking they are Buddhist monks. And a ridiculous one about the tanuki's scrotum being as large as an eight-mat room, so that they can use it as a raincoat by stretching it between their legs and over their backs and then up over their heads. The tanukis in my area often come down with scabies. Among other things it makes their hair fall out. We used to see a lot of them in the early to mid-1990s and then the racoon dogs disappeared and were replaced by the anagumas, or Japanese badgers. This winter we've got both in the garden, along with deer and boar. I know there are foxes and rabbits in the woods too, but they are fairly shy and I hardly ever spot them.

 

So, with cat colonies, meditation, yoga and rampant anxiety I think we have a lot in common. Certainly, more meditation is the way to go. I guess the trick is not to rid ourselves of fearful, obsessive, irrational thoughts, but to not have to rid ourselves of these thoughts but to be able to say, "Oh, that thought is playing in my mind again, how interesting!"

 

As you move further away from psycho-drugs, or whatever they are called, I'm sure your "neuro-emotions" and unpleasant physiological feelings will quieten down. While the CNS is still sensitized, not even meditation will make much of a dent in these things, but as time goes by and with some help rom clean healthy living including meditation, yoga, etc., calmness and acceptance will fall into your lap like a ripe apple. At least, that's the theory!

 

Please take care and enjoy some more good days soon,

 

Tim

[Altostrata]

spectio, thank you for using your expertise to spay and neuter the cats. It's so sad there are so many without homes.

[spectio]

Hi, Tim and Alto, thanks for the encouraging thoughts about the kitties. I feel better about my colony situation . The next day I was able to get two more done, one female and one male. The last female I did was the cutest, sweetest little girl! She was pretty much 100% tame. I had a conversation with the wife to tell her she should keep this(these) kittens inside because of wondering dogs. I'm hoping for the best but if they couldn't take care of them before S/N, I'm really dubious they'll go out of their way for them now. That part has me sad for their situation again. But at least these particular cats won't be restocking the cat population.

 

Tim, I hope your window has stayed open and you've had a few consecutive good days. That's what I pray for all the time. I'm almost seventeen months off remeron and the mornings are still so miserable. Not the awful way they were at the beginning but I still wake with a sense of dread. The last three or four days, I also have the head pressure, some nausea, and feel so vulnerable to whatever blows my way. I hate feeling sick.

 

As soon as I do yoga, meditate and get some good quality breakfast, it does get somewhat better. Sleep has been up and down but I think I'm getting six or seven hours. I'd think I would feel better in the mornings but this dread scenario plays out most days.

 

You asked about your new friend, Pavlov , and his skittishness. I'm really not so sure what you can do other than just being persistent. Are you able to pack a book down to your feeding station and just set up shop for an hour and just be there when he shows up? And then maybe just start talking to him or singing with eyes averted. Make small non threatening movements with food in your hand. Find some special treat for him; maybe real chicken, steak, something he hasn't had. If he's been chased off, had rocks thrown at him, or whatever people do to innocent animals, he's probably got serious trust issues. He may be a fraddie cat to begin with. Does he ever show aggression to you when you're there? Any hackles up or growling? Be very careful if that's the case. You sure don't want to get bit. I know with the feral cats that have come to me at my house, some really start responding when you move slow, don't raise your voice, and you know, "just be there". Dogs especially are pack animals and seek company and trust. I'm sure you've thought of all this yourself. Just be a meditator! It may take a long time.

 

Your comments about saving the country from financial ruin with my cat S/N was funny. While I was in practice, I would routinely offer people with cat colonies, or people with just individual animals, FREE S/N! You'd be shocked at the number who would turn me down. Especially the colonies. Well, okay, they say, but I don't want to do this cat, that cat, you know, my BREEDING STOCK! Wow! I took in many, many abandoned, unclaimed tame cats and found good homes for them. A few lived long, healthy lives. A lot of them I don't know their fate. I do know they never added to the overpopulation issue. I trapped in the trailer park where I did the kitties last week regularly when I was well. About eight or nine years ago I trapped a big cat. Thinking it was a big unneutered male, I knocked it out only to find it was a spayed female. And had been declawed. I had no place to go with her so when she recovered I brought her back to the trailer park, opened the cage door to let her out, and she wouldn't leave. I put the cage up and tried to shake her out of there and still she wouldn't go. Then it dawned on me. She didn't want to go back to that life. I took her back to the clinic where she lived in my linen closet during the day and came out when I left. I was telling one of my clients about this cat one day and she named her Heidi and took her home! I was so grateful. The universe does look out for us and our friends. At least in that case!

 

Your comments about having my good work published in the local paper. . . Not so much. I think my best defense for these animals is to stay as far out of sight as I can get. I had thoughts about really trying to shake up animal control, get the word out that we need something to be done. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who use to live in another rural community north of my town(75 miles) and did lots of rescue work. We worked together many, many times to help out the cats there. She actually called me back after we'd had a lengthy conversation about the unchanging attitudes in small nevada towns to tell me shed had a overwhelming feeling that I should just do what I'm doing and not stir up this "hornets nest" of animal apathy I have here in my town! Her feeling is that the way the A.C officer is doing things now will eventually come back on her at some point and that I don't need to be the pott stirrer. I'm taking her advise on this very seriously. Especially the way I feel right now with W/D, I think that's good advise!

 

Any advise on how to cultivate acceptance with something so deep in my soul, though. I've read starlitegirls comments on acceptance and found them very practical and common sense. But I am still really struggling with this issue. A lot of this feeling for me is still the effects of the drugs.

 

How do you let these good things come back to you when you are feeling so compromised with your brain. "marching forward, marching forward!"

 

Hope this finds you having a good day, Tim. For me it's time for yoga and meditation.

 

Your friend, Spectio

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio, I've not been feeling well for most of this past week and have been trying to soldier on. Although I have remained stable on my med doses, I haven't stabilized emotionally. The dread, the doomcloud, the head noise and head pressure are all frequent companions. And my energy is pretty low again today. I know you understand about these things because you have to cope with a similar set of "intense sensations" yourself.

 

Let me give you an update about the dog. First of all, due to almost universal disapprobation about the name I came up with, we decided to change it to something lighter. My wife chose Harrison because it has a rather lathing lilt to it and also because she knew a very friendly Alsatian that went by that name 30 years ago. Anyway, Harrison is still skittish but he's also more trusting and friendly now. He's coming three times a day for food and then waltzing back off to the woods where he lives the rest of the time. Unlike a week ago, he is now quite confident of being fed and rather expectant, and he puts up with being petted on the head while he eats. We've bought him a collar but we haven't fitted it yet. Perhaps in the next couple of days.

 

Thank you very much for your invaluable advice about how to be a mediator with this new dog. I think it is working well now.

 

I believe you asked about how to cultivate acceptance toward the fact that you are living in a "hornets nest" of animal apathy. I guess like most things, you need to force yourself to do it consistently and consciously until it becomes a habit, if it ever does. In meditation, we sit still and focus on our breathing and notice any thoughts that come into our minds, without becoming attached to them or identifying them. In this way we get to know how we think and feel about various issues but we also step back from our thoughts and feelings. Acceptance is easier when we step back in this way. That's the theory at least.

 

What's been going on in your neck of the woods? Have you spayed and neutered any more cats or found any nice homes for them? One of my friends told me her friend picked up two abandoned kittens and my friend was going to adopt them, but tests at the vets revealed they both had FIV and as my friend has a couple of other cats at home, they are trying to find another owner willing to take the kitties in.

 

Please keep on marching on, and I will too. Or, as Claire Weekes recommends, floating on. Even though these drug effects can linger for years, I am firmly convinced that they will fade in time. Until then we have to practice acceptance of them and of our life situation, however it may be, and refrain from taking our judgements too seriously.

 

Wishing you a good day and a good week!

 

Tim

[spectio]

Hi, Tim, so nice to hear from you. I'm sorry you haven't felt well but I entirely sympathize. And yes I do know about intense symptoms. Your final comments, " refrain from taking your judgements too seriously" is excellent advise. Boy that is very hard when ownership of thoughts seems to belong to some evil force deep inside. Lately, I find myself repeating "acceptance" very frequently, especially in the waking hours when the flood of thoughts really packs a wallop. It really does help.

 

I'm SO glad to heat about Harrison. It really sounds like you've made huge progress! I think he's really starting to trust you which is a really big thing! At some point he won't go charging into the forest after eating. He will linger and watch you and as you're walking away, he will start following you. This probably won't happen right away. I can visualize him finally following you home and you and your wife petting him in your yard or home and then you have a new soul mate. He will be forever thankful and will let you know it every chance he gets. That's exciting.

 

On my end, I too haven't felt great either. I thnk due to these issues with my colonies, I have been packing some pretty intense anxiety around and it's been affecting my sleep. So, along with that I've been getting bouts of daily nausea, headaches, dizzyness. Yesterday these symptoms were bad enough I was couch bound for most of the morning and part of the afternoon. I just felt sick! It's times like these that I start to thnk about looking for a Dr. The question is, what could they do for me when they don't believe in WD syndrome and solutions are only found in pill form. Anyway, I have been sleeping better the last few days and even though I had nausea this a.m., and a pretty good headache all day, I did manage to get a few things done today. I grabbed an unneutered kitty from the local hardware store and neutered him and also neutered a friend of my daughters kitty (she lives on a farm). That made me feel good to do something useful.

 

I visited with the anmal control officer today, too. Last week, I found a trapped cat at one of my colonies and assumes it was her trap. I called to let her know about the cat and she came in and found out it wasn't her trap. It had been set by yet another cat hating neighbor. So, she took cat and trap, came out to my house and I neutered him. She has had him since then and today we let him go around the shelter. She has feeding and water stations set up everywhere. It gave me so much hope about her. I offered to help her with good euthanasia techniques which she gratefully accepted. She is not confident euthanizing animals with owners present and did admit she euthanizes them through cardiac puncture. I wince at the thought so thought I'd offer up a "clinic"of sorts to try to help her use IV techniques so the procedure is smoother. Also this would be a way I would no longer have to euthanize animals myself at my house.

 

I'm starting to rethink my strategy for dealing with my colonies. It is in really formative stages now so don't have the right strategy in my mind yet. I still think anmal control should involve a joint strategy but I really don't want to be an integral cog in this. I've done it a long time on my own. The animal control officer may be thinking the same thing. She commented to me today that she's really feeling tired and I'm pretty sure I know why. This is a huge, heartbreaking job for one person. I don't really get the feeling she just wants to euthanize but with limited time, funds, and personnel, she's feeling pretty torn. I hope this is a accurate assessment.

 

Anyway, I hope you and I feel better soon. At least to have some partially good days would be wonderful.

 

My therapist sent a book home with me last week. It's called "the artists way". It was written for writers painters, etc with blocks to their talent. But the information, so far, has been very insightful and seems to apply to us anxiety sufferers. Nadia on the SA's site told me about this book a while back but you may be interested.

 

Okay, my friend. Here's hoping for more sunny days and days with your face to the warmth. And more wood to chop and dogs to rescue. We do what we can! Hang in there!

 

SPECTIO

[flower]

There was an article in our paper yesterday about how dangerous the feral cats have become to the wildlife in our area. The animal rescue reported many birds brought to them injured by the cats. I wish I could make a difference. I know what will happen..

[Timinjapan]

Hi Spectio,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your recent daily health/anxiety issues and I hope this is just a bad wave and that it is already easing up again. Despite how you've been feeling, you have been doing some very positive work on the neutering front that very few other people in your area are capable of doing.

 

I wish I had you here at the moment because one of our cats is now dying and I wish I could make his passing more comfortable. He is fairly young, perhaps 4 or 5 years old, and we picked him up as a stray two years ago. Even at that time he was thin and sickly looking, from parasitic infections and chronic malnutrition in his kitten-days I guess. He has the thinnest build of any cat I've ever seen, with a resembling a fox more than a cat - long muzzle and thin cheeks. We had him spayed and inoculated after we took him in, but I'm ashamed to say we haven't given him any follow up treatment. He has had some mouth issues and has been drooling a bit recently. But he had a healthy appetite and he caught a mouse only last week. On Saturday morning, I noticed he was poorly and not eating or drinking. Also, I suddenly noticed he's a lot thinner than I had thought. So I suggested a trip to the vets. However, this is a long holiday (9/10/11 Feb.) and the vets aren't open until tomorrow.

 

Over the weekend he has gone from poorly to dying, and I think it may already be too late to save him. He is laying semi-comotose, breathing well, with some blood coming from his mouth and dehydrated but refusing water. When not sleeping, he responds appreciatively to stroking but lets out a cry of pain if we try to move him or touch his mouth. Apart from that, he isn't visibly in pain - but cats don't always display signs of suffering so because of his relative youth, I am assuming he is going though a very tough time.

 

I want my wife to call the vet as this is an emergency, but she says we should wait until tomorrow while continuing to watch him and be in attendance, then phone the vet and take the cat in. This is where the cultural difference between the Brits and the Japanese comes to the fore. If it was in my power, I would get him to a vet now and then we could decide between trying to save him and having him put to sleep. But this is the Japanese countryside and he picked an unfortunate weekend to get sick. So we'll have to wait until tomorrow.

 

The vet we use is the son of our previous vet. The old vet was running an "animal hospital" and is a specialist in small animals as opposed to livestock. He was happy to make house calls and come out on emergency calls. But when his son took over about five years ago, he turned the business into an "pet clinic" with half of the business devoted to shampooing and clipping long-haired dogs and the other half devoted to high-tech medicine but very little in the way of common compassion. My wife doesn't get on with the young vet and this is one of the reasons she hesitated to contact him. In our talk today, we agreed that if the old vet was still working, we would have taken this cat in for a check-up at a much earlier stage.

 

For the past year and several months, my own "sickness" has occupied far too much of my mind and I'm sure it has preyed on my wife's mind too. As a result, we have not been as attentive to the needs of our animals as we should be. We feel we've been negligent in the case of this cat and we are both feeling guilty about that now.

 

On a brighter subject, things are going very well with Harrison. He's wagging his tail and pricking up his ears when he sees us now. I've got to get a Snoopy House built to accommodate him when he moves in, which looks like a matter of time.

 

I am very glad to read that you have found something positive about the animal control officer. Perhaps by helping her, you can help a lot of animals and also gain yourself a powerful ally in the process. Please do your best to give her what "invisible" support you can, as I am sure she has her "face" and "position to protect in the community. It's important that you don't come over as bossy or interfering. On the other hand, the help and advice you can give her will be invaluable. If you can get her using IV techniques the burden of pain on her and of course on the animals she euthanizes will be so much less.

 

I won't go on about my own mental or physiological health issues today for a change. They haven't disappeared but I'm doing what I can despite them. FOur days ago I started on 400mg of magnesium a day and from yesterday I began a new slide that will reduce my Paxil intake from 2.2mg to 2.25mg within a month. I'm hoping to get off completely by the summertime. Take care and good neutering!

[spectio]

Hi, Tim: I'm so sorry you have to sit and watch your little friend having such a tough time. To me it does sound rather dire. You know, if you haven't already done so, put him in a warm place, maybe in little box so he doesn't try to hide himself. Offering him water off and on is a good thing. I don't think he's up to eating. Tim, could he be a leukemia positive kitty?

 

Whatever happens between now and tomorrow, just know he has had a wonderful few years. He for sure wouldn't have had these years without you and your wife! They were all bonus years, for sure!

 

Let me know how things turn out with him and I really do know how you're getting along. This can't be helping your recovery! Please don't feel guilty. He is now and will be shortly in a good place; no more suffering!

 

Good news about Harrison! You've saved yet another deserving creature!

 

Be thinking of you! SPECTIO

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio: Thank you for your very warm words.

 

After posting my last message the wife and I had a conference and we decided to find a vet who could take care of our sick at this evening. We called the "pet clinic" in question and as it's a holiday the call was re-routed to the mobile phone of the senior semi-retired vet, and he said we could bring the cat in this evening, so we are getting ready to do that now. The cat still has a good pulse and is breathing easily, and his tail responds when he hears us talk, so there is a chance the vet can save him. Even so, we both feel bad about not getting him treated much earlier.

 

We had a cat with leukemia before and his symptoms were quite different. But it's possible this one has that. He was living in the streets a good while before he came to us.

 

I'll keep you posted on how things go.

 

All the best, Tim

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio,

 

I've just taken the cat to the vets, which is about 15 miles by car, and the prognosis doesn't look very good. The cat has been put in a warm room with extra oxygen and a drip, and the vet is running tests this evening. The vet says there is a fair chance he has FIV or leukemia. We will see what can be done. If we can nurse him back to a fair degree of health and give him a comfortable life, we'll do that. But if things look impossible, we'll have to put him to sleep. We don't have to make that decision until later in the week, and the cat may not survive that long in any case.

 

Things like this affect my mood very much at the best of times, bit in withdrawal I find it very hard to cope, especially as my head is vibrating like a bell. I can understand that somebody, no matter how well trained, who has had problems with psych medicines could find it tough to deal with veterinary practice.

 

Best regards,

 

Tim

[spectio]

Hi, Tim, I'm so sorry you have to go through this while you're in recovery. Please know you made this little animals life heaven on earth for the time you had him. And cats are so secretive about their health that even the most "unsick" among us would have trouble picking up on a sickness. Particularly if this little guy never was 100% healthy to begin with!

 

Thanks for the comments about trouble with using previously well huned skills evaporating due to WD (or to being on mind-melting AD's in the first place)! It's been that way for me for four years now. In a small town where I've practiced vet med for thirty years, people do not all of a sudden understand why you can't do thngs for them anymore. And it's hard to say no when you have good clients who were always the best pet owners and friends! I know the head feeling you describe! Every time someone asks me to do something for them, it's like my brain is locked into a giant vise and is piloted by nuclear powered anxiety! It's shear torture!

 

Anyway, Tim, hope for the best for your little friend. If it looks like he may get a few more days, maybe think about bringing him home to spend his last moments and maybe just take him in for euthanasia when he's ready. If your nervous system can stand that. It make make the whole scenario of the last few days easier! Or not! Only you know the answer to that!,

 

Please keep me informed and let me know how you're doing with this. If there's ANYTHING I can do please let me know! If you need some information about his illness, let me know!

 

Your friend, SPECTIO,

[flower]

Spectio..I was hoping for a little advice about my Peke. She has been deaf but everytime she gets a yeast infection in her ears the meds they give her seem to make her hallucinate or rather she seems to be watching for something. Tresaderm I believe..One of the ears meds made her so she couldn't hear to begin with. She's 14 so hard to tell what's happening I guess. Any insight would be appreciated,I love her so much I hate to see her ,out of sorts. Thanks so much for listening...flower.

[spectio]

Hu, Flower, Do you know what the diagnosis for your baby is? Doess she have recurrent otitis media which is a very common thing, aka, usually just an ear infection?

 

I used tresaderm a lot in cats because it is very useful for ear mites. I don't remember seeing too much ear mite problems in my area in dogs. There may be some ingredient in Tresaderrm that your friend is allergic too. You might ask your dr. If some other product would work, like panalog ear ointment or animax ear ointment.

 

If you think she has a problem with the med, bring it to your dr.'s attention so he will try something new next time!

 

Hope that helps. 14 years is a long time to have a pet. Good for you!

 

Take care, SPECTIO.

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Spectio, Sadly we had to have the cat euthanized. He had feline leukemia and his condition deteriorated very quickly to the point where it would have been cruel to let him suffer any longer. It has been a very sad experience for me. On the other hand, there are 11 other kitties here who need love and attention, and Harrison the dog, who is getting friendlier and more demanding by the day.

 

On Wednesday and Thursday (yesterday) I was able to get out of the house and do some social activities, and I felt almost normal. But this morning I am back in negative territory with a queasy stomach. This seems to be related to the fact that I bicycled 12 miles into town yesterday and then 12 miles back in the evening cold, and to a single can of beer I thought I deserved for being a good boy. It seems my nervous system can't deal with alcohol very well these days either.

 

You might be interested to know that the vet I use is now 69 years old and running on very merrily. He had a bit of a rough patch in his fifties. But now that his son has taken over the business, he has a lot less responsibility and can work part time. He's also president of the local Rotary Club and likes nothing better than going out drinking in the local taverns.

 

I hope you are doing well. I'm starting from a low ebb today but I'll be :::::ed if I'm going to let that stop me being productive today.

 

Take good care and try to find something to laugh or at least smile at, and you'll be OK.

[tezza]

Hi Spectio,

 

I've been following and it's such a sweet and generous thing you're doing. You seem to be a very special and caring person!

[spectio]

Hi, Tezza, thank you for your kind words. I used to get so much satisfaction from my job when I was healthy. For the last four years I've developed this awful fear that everything I did was going to go sour. So, I havn't done much with animals but I still like to listen to people's problems and maybe point them in the right direction as far as animal care. And I am doing a bit of feral cat neuter, spay. That has turned out to be a good thing. It really does help me feel better. The bad part is pushing the anxiety down enough where I can do some of these things.

 

How are you doing ? How is your journey back to health? Please let me know how you're doing!

 

Take good care, my friend! SPECTIO

[spectio]

Hi, Tim, I'm so sorry about your little friend! I know the few cats I had in my office with leukemia were very sick and really needed to be relieved of their misery. A few times they were cats that I had taken care of as kittens, were seemingly healthy and happy and then one day they just crashed. When I felt the enlarged lymph nodes or saw the blanched gums and high fevers I was pretty sure that's what was up. A blood test would confirm it. It was always so very sad!

 

I hope your vet was understanding and gentle with him and made you feel marginally better about going through the procedure. It sounds like your older vet never made the decision to take up with AD's. I'm glad he's still doing some work and staying engaged with the animals. I'm also happy to see he has developed some life outside Vet Med. That too is a good thing!

 

I had to tell you the story about Tuffy. Tuffy is a four or five year old semi-feral unneutered cat that comes and goes at my mothers house. My mom is long gone but I take care of the place along with six other cats, all neutered that live there. Some were living in my office when I closed down and now call there home. Tuffy started showing up for canned food a couple of years ago. I wouldn't see him very often but I knew he was there when I heard his Tom cat caterwauling as he came over the fence into the yard. He always looked pretty good in the winter time but come February he would come less often and when he did show up, he'd be torn up, limping, one eye closed, erc. He was making his rounds as the neighborhood stud. The bad part was that depending in the season he would hassle my neutered male cats and sometimes leave them with abcesses, scratches, etc. Everytime I saw him I would cringe because I had already tried to trap him and he wouldn't go for it. And I was so sick much of the time, I just couldn't do much.

 

Well, about two months ago, when we were having our month long deep freeze he made an overture to me to be petted. He let me approach him and I petted him, he purred and rolled and genuinely seem to love it! I was kind of shocked. I noticed then he was three legged so maybe he felt bad enough he needed some consoling. He showed up daily for canned food for a few days. His leg seem to get better then I didn't see him for about a week or two.

 

He showed up this week looking pretty tired. He seemed to have lost weight and just looked a bit resigned. My friend was there feeding the other cats (one of them is hers but she pretty much claims them all, God Bless her!) so she had his can of food in her hand. I told her to wait a minute, I'd get a cage and see if he'd walk into the cage to get the can. I put the cage down by him with the can at the very opening of the cage, made sure he saw it . When I could see him walking toward the cage door I gently pushed the can down to the back of it and old Tuffy just walked in and never looked back. I closed the cage door, singing Glori halleluliah, and off we went to start old Tuffys new life!

 

I couldn't believe it. I loaded him in my car, turned on the heat full blast, and headed home with him. He never whined, never fought being in the cage. I could hear him eating his canned food in the back seat. At my house, he walked out of the cage, I petted him and talked to him, put a net over him and gave him his anesthetic shot. He never fought, never hissed, barely struggled. And then he was neutered!

 

The update is he has been at the house everyday since his new life begin ,eats his can of food, lays around in the sun, walks away from the other cats when they growl at him, and crazy thing of all, he still wants to be petted! He actually will come to be petted.

 

What a miracle this finally happened!

 

So,Tim, think of losing your little friend and at the same time think of Tuffy, who is no longer siring unwanted and sickly kittens. We do what we can, good friend. If everybody just gave a little and took just the slightest bit of interest in one of these homeless, lost animals, then maybe the rest of us wouldn't have to shoulder the whole burden. And maybe this misery would end.

 

A hopeful thought!

 

Sorry about your bike aftermath. That happened to me last summer . I was so excited at having a "new" bike, that I'd bought second hand at a garage sale. I would take these huge trips of a couple of hours around our valley. Then when I got back, I'd be nauseous, dizzy, just sick! Ain't it awful! And about that beer, wasn't it just wonderful, though!

 

Take good care of yourself,,Tim. Talk to you soon! SPECTIO

[Timinjapan]

Hi Spectio,

 

Now that Tuffy has become an adopted member of your family, I'm sure his standard of living is a lot higher and his life expectancy will be a lot longer than if he had stayed on the road. He's a very lucky boy. Do you think he's become more gentle since his operation, or was he already quite mellow after being tired out by all that feral living?

 

So you've been cycling and found it a bit much for you? Well, it's sometimes nice to travel under our own power and nor rely on the car. I myself don't have a car, so for moving any distance around here it's a choice between my bike, the taxi or hitching a list from one of the neighbors. And I can't make a regular habit of the third one. I hope and expect that as your time away from Remeron increases, your nervous system will recover and your strength will return. Then cycling and physical activity in general will be less of a problem for you.

 

How about your anxiety? I know anxiety comes to us as a vague feeling at times and seems to be generated in response to physiological sensations, but it is often accompanied by or triggered by specific thoughts such as about health, money, the future, etc. Do you think your anxiety is mostly thought-driven or physiological sensation-driven? Or is everything too mixed up in such a ways as it is difficult to disentangle?

 

Our latest homeless loss animal is still eating here three or four times a day everyday. In order to corral him I am going to have to improve the fencing around the garden, then I can keep him inside and the boar and deer outside. He'll still have plenty of space to range around in and he won't be in danger of being picked up by the authorities. One more project for spring is to build him a Snoopy House. That should be well within my DIY capabilities, but just like you, I can't do things as snappily as I used to. Rather than drawing up my own plans from scratch, I think I'll try to pull something nice off the internet.

 

How long have you been off Remeron now and have you been feeling some slight improvements recently? You may not think so, but the fact that you have been a bit more proactive in recent weeks indicates something is going right for you. Also, have you tried magnesium supplementation. I've been taking 400mg a day for almost two weeks and I can report a definite positive impact with more relaxed muscles. It isn't a cure-all, but it may be of some use, and in my case there are no negative side-effects so far.

 

It's very dismal weather here at the moment but in the form of overcast skies and rain, not snow or frost. As I have no office work to do and I can't work in the garden or the woods, I am going to have to fall back on interior decoration. The walls of the alcove housing the washing machine are in need of paper stripping and then painting. "If not now, when?" I ask myself.

[spectio]

Hi, Tim, how are you? You sound tired. Gee, I wonder why! (Ha, ha). Tuffy is doing just fine. The day I neutered him, he really looked tired of it all. But now, he is like the Budda. Before, he was Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. He seems so calm, non aggressive and content. The other cats hassle, growl and hiss at him when he appears. Now when they do that to him at the feed bowl, he backs away and cleans himself. He is done fighting. And he is cleaning himself up. His wounds are healing, his hair is growing back, and he is pitting on weight. It truly is remarkable. Like watching a unknown flower mature and bloom. A good thing!

 

Good to hear your making slow but steady progress with Harrison. A dog house sounds like a fun project, Tim. And like you say, just take it at your own rate and do something everyday, even if t is only for a few minutes. It will make you feel like you've accomplished something with your day. We had a "tuff shed" put in a couple of months back. The plan was to make a comfy, secure cattery for my regular cats so the intense winter congregation of twelve cats in my little house can take a break. I need a break from mostly male cats doing bad things to my house. My anxiety is not relieved by their bad behavior. Anyway, this winter is about done and I'm still working in this shed. But it's taking shape and its been kind of fun. And it does take me out of my dark places that I naturally fall into every day. It is a good diversion.

 

I've been off remeron for 17 months. Next month it will be 1 1/2 years. A LONG 1 1/2 years. I still have anxiety every day. Worse in the a.m. by far. Along with the anxiety there are worry, irrational thoughts, head pressure. The last few weeks I've actually had a resurgence of nausea, headaches, and dizzyness. I think they are related to a increase in my b.p. the jury is still out on that one. My numbers have been good since the dosage change, about ten days ago. But, today I again had nausea, dizzyness, and headaches. Very frustrating. I was thinking maybe I'm having some chemical sensitivity reaction going, to the paint I'm using in the cat shed. Anyway, after four or five in the p.m., the anxiety does get better and is mild in the evening.ut it never goes entirely away, EVER.

 

how are you faring? What types of symptoms are you having now? Do you take anything for your anxiety or is it like me, your anxiety takes you, wherever it damn well pleases!

 

I do miss my bike. I think it's wonderful you don't own a car. Are you close enough to the city and have mass transportation available to you? Yes, it is cold and nasty here too so exercise options for me is walking which is just fine. I still enjoy walking. In a month or so, the weather should be nice enough to go walk out on the desert.

 

Keep in touch, Tim. Ill try to get a picture of Tuffy and shoot it over to you. Well follow his "bloom".

 

Take it slow and take care, your friend, SPECTIO

[Timinjapan]

Hi Spectio,

 

I hope that as the weather warms up your mood will follow. At 18 months of Remeron you may be crossing the watershed towards "normality" about now — I pray that you are — and the anxieties and other symptoms you face may start declining. Or better still, you may wake up one morning and find your brain has healed, just like that!

 

I have my OK days and my bad days. Physiological symptoms are constant head noises ranging from loud to very loud, and accompanied by nerve tingling and tight muscles when very loud. Psychological symptoms included very low tolerance of stress, hyper-negative thoughs, feelings of doom and despondency, anhedonia, worry about the future, including the financial and work future, and about not having enough really close friends, and worry about my tendency to worry. I'm sure you can empathize as you've probably suffered from all these and more at one time or another. After holding my Paxil dose steady for a month, I have been sliding down by 0.1mg every tend days since February 11, and I think I'm feeling this a bit. But it's hard to say. To give an analogy, I have been lying in a warm bath of soothing water, but now I've pulled the plug and the water level is dropping as I continue to lie in the tub. I can feel the pull of gravity on my body and the cold air blowing over my tummy and legs.

 

I wasn't in such deep water as you were with the Remeron, and I haven't been lying in that Paxil bath for as long as you were in yours. So I am cautiously optimistic that I will start feeling better quite soon after I get down to zero. But who knows?

 

Last weekend I visited a place caled ARK (Animal Rescue Kansai), an NPO run by a 72-year-old English lady named Elizabeth Oliver, who incidentally received an MBE from that other Elizabeth last summer. I have known Liz O. for almost 20 years (she's 72 now) and I did some volunteer work for her organization in the 1990s. But I hadn't been to ARK for over ten years. When I posted pictures of the dog on my Facebook page two people from ARK contacted me and "ordered" me to come for dinner. An American who is a director of the board kindly picked me up from the nearest railway station to the place which is midway between his home and the shelter. The day went very well and I felt very much among family. It's so relieving to be among people who think more like I do, even if I don't agree with everything they say.

 

I mentioned that I was in contact with a vet in the countryside near Reno, and the American said that he knew a lady from Reno named Bonnie Brown, the director of Nevada Humane. I don't know if you know or approve of her, but he gave a pretty glowing report of her, and he said she might be a good person to get involved in your local feral cat problem. Or even if you don't want any active help from her organization, it may be good to be on buddy terms with people who are as dedicated as you are to helping our four-leggged companions. I do know how important the feeling of having some social and moral support is for me personally. Thanks to what I've been through so far with anxiety and drugs, I am no longer strong enough to do very much on my own.

 

It's very good news about Tuffy. I'm sure he'll be in better condition than you and I are in no time. I quite understand needing a break from what the kitties do in the house. We've just had an expensive and beautiful vase knocked down and chipped by a cat who decided it would be fun to try to crawl inside. Neither my wife or I were angry about it, but of course we'd rather it hadn't happened. Time to get out the superglue.

 

Sending you hugs from Japan!

[tezza]

Hi, Tezza, thank you for your kind words. I used to get so much satisfaction from my job when I was healthy. For the last four years I've developed this awful fear that everything I did was going to go sour. So, I havn't done much with animals but I still like to listen to people's problems and maybe point them in the right direction as far as animal care. And I am doing a bit of feral cat neuter, spay. That has turned out to be a good thing. It really does help me feel better. The bad part is pushing the anxiety down enough where I can do some of these things.

 

How are you doing ? How is your journey back to health? Please let me know how you're doing!

 

Take good care, my friend! SPECTIO

 

 

Hi Spectio,

 

I'm doing well, thank you for asking. I'm sorry I'm late answering your reply. It's a very good deed that you've been doing with those feral cats! Hopefully the anxiety will soon go away and you will get that same satisfaction you had before. There aren't many people that would do what you've done to help in that way.

 

I'm an animal lover too and have always had a stray or two as pets. My son brought home a puppy about four years ago and now he's a really large dog. The vet said he thinks the daddy dog was a Great Dane. I named him Angel because I'd just lost a dog about two weeks before my son rescued him. A family had moved out and left the pregnant mother dog behind. She was a boxer. Angel is almost all white, he has a brown spot on his head. My son found him eating a dirty disposable diaper from the trash they had also left behind when they moved.

 

Some people are heartless when it comes to animals. Angel is well fed now! I hope you feel good as new very soon!

 

Hugs,

 

Tezza