blackhill4: Finally back :) withdrawal continues after 3 years 1 month

[westcoast]

The Paxil might have done something to keep you from getting physical dependence on the Ativan?

 

There are trade-offs in this game, and trading withdrawal for Ativan addiction, which is miserable, is one you can consider, but I think toughing it out and using Ativan sparingly and for as short a duration as you can manage is the best bet. That seems to be your plan.

 

I might have already said that my sister said going off Ativan was the most miserable experience of her life, and Wildflower here would probably say the same.

 

Use the time when you have relief from symptoms to do things you enjoy...build up a happiness bank that you can remember when the bad times hit.

[Wildflower0214]

Hey there!

 

I see WC has given you some good help here. I have seen the A word (Ativan) mentioned, so I thought I might pop over here. As someone who has suffered from a cold turkey off of Effexor, I understsnd the hell all of this is. I was prescribed Ativan during a bad bad stint last spring.

 

I'm not going to tell you not to take it, and I'm not going to tell you taking it is ok. What I am going to tell you is that benzos are LARGELY unreliable when it comes to how they will play out in your system. They are loaded with side effects and they have the potential to go paradoxical. I ended up manic because of Ativan. I was going days on end with zero sleep. When I say zero, I mean zero literally. I think I was the closest to losing my life during this period of time as I have ever been since WD started. It's miracle I made it through alive.

 

So now, I am left with what will probably be a three year long taper from Ativan in the midst of a CT from an AD. Did benzos provide some relief to me? Sure. Was it worth the price I am now paying? Absolutely not. I wish I could go back and make a different choice. But, I can't.

 

Btw, taking a benzo every 4 days may not be a good idea in some cases. It does in no way mean you will not become dependent. You may, you may not. I would start a thread in the benzo section of this site to get some specific advice about that if I were you. Rhi and Skyler moderate over there, and they may be able to guide you on that part of your journey. They helped me a great deal.

 

Im glad you are getting some good help from the mods here. I showed up too late and too sick to do much to change my situation. Your story can be different from mine. You have the opportunity to make better more informed decisions. My advice, think long and hard about the choices you make with Ativan. I wish you all the best. I hope you do not end up where I am.

[blackhill4]

Any one else experience a dysphoria? I have had this a few times and it is pretty frightening. Although yesterday and today were both good days

[westcoast]

How are you defining that? A period of a feeling of deep grief? Yes, I have had that.

[blackhill4]

They say it's opposite of a euphoria, so that I guess. It happened in January a few times. It made me feel a sudden wave of unreality mixed with negative emotions. Haven't had it since, I think it's the crazy feeling people tend to describe.

[LoveandLight]

Yes..I've had this a lot..it's very bad..glad you haven't had it since.

[blackhill4]

So I bit the bullet and took 1mg Ativan last night and the results were very underwhelming. I just felt tired and didn't really get any symptom relief, so I think I'm going without it from now on.

[westcoast]

Too bad it had no useful effect, but in a way that's lucky. It really is too dangerous to use for any length of time in my opinion.

[Wildflower0214]

Blessing in disguise...Consider yourself fortunate. I hope the askathisia does not return to put you into despair ever again. But, I'm glad the Ativan is not as appealing an option as it once was. Because, As I said, it's as unpredictable as they come. Truly, it is not worth the relief it provides In the long run.

 

But, I sound like a broken record. I just pray my soapbox moments save someone some pain.

[blackhill4]

If this is a setback I will still recover eventually right? Because I am afraid of getting stuck in an infinite loop of hell. Update: Last 2 days have been pretty terrible but magnesium (which I was neglecting for some reason) helps somewhat. Anyone know how long magnesium effects last? Hope everyone out there with wd can feel a bit better even if I don't right now.

[westcoast]

Sorry you are feeling low. It seems we all have lousy days that feel like setbacks. Do you mean depression or agitation, by the way?

[blackhill4]

Have something of extreme concern. I have lost 30.5 pounds since November and am worried about low blood sugar. I am getting very dizzy sometimes and am wondering how do I know when to eat when I have no appetite?

[blackhill4]

Very strange feelings today, anyone else get strange feelings like when I go for a walk it's like I bring the feeling with me or something.

[Fresh]

I can relate blackhill.    Sometimes a change of environment can help distract the mind from ruminating , sometimes it can't.

 

As far as nutrition goes , this is where your sensible , logical self can take charge.   You may not get the desire to eat for a long time , so you need to ply your body

with good nutrients until then.

I had sustagen in hot milk every day at least once , so in theory , that was at least one nutritionally balanced meal.   I took Nature's Way Super Greens

Plus , superfood powder ,  daily.    I sprinkled chia seeds on top of toast with peanut butter or cheese.  I kept a stock of things I liked to eat in the

freezer , like quiches wrapped in portions , chicken soup , grainy bread , risotto , lasagne.   I had salmon sushi every day or two , and chinese

dumplings.  Greek youghurt , sometimes with honey.

 

Even though you're not hungry , make a point of  eating something small at least every few hours.  You don't need low blood sugar on top of everything else. 

Drink as much water as you can.   And wet foods , like yoghurt , or jelly.   Custard.   Experiment and you'll find some things are easier to eat than others.

 

xxx

[westcoast]

As for your strange feeling, maybe it is a touch of depersonalization? If it feels like your feeling is a thing that follows you rather than one of your own inner sensations.

 

Just take it as easy as you can, and remember Fresh's good advice about food. Nutrition is as much a part of recovery is anything else.

[Pugknows]

Have something of extreme concern. I have lost 30.5 pounds since November and am worried about low blood sugar. I am getting very dizzy sometimes and am wondering how do I know when to eat when I have no appetite?

[Pugknows]

I'm a skeleton with crepe paper skin. Lost 48 pounds in 8 months. Got you beat by 18 lbs. I eat anything I can force down and keep down, since half of what I eat comes back up anyway.

[JanCarol]

Hey Blackhill, 

 

Just stopping by to see how you've been - sorry about the trip to hospital - but glad you didn't get re-drugged from it.

 

Magnesium can be taken 2-3 times a day.  Apparently, most people are deficient, and those of us who have been hammered by psych drugs, even more so.  It facilitates something like 34 neurotransmitter cascades....very good for you.  Also, if you can, put 1 cup espsom salts in a bath (not too hot) and soak for 20 minutes (I usually take a book).

Magnesium

 

Another thing that might smooth the akathisia somewhat is fish oil. Your brain is 99% fat.  About 85% of that is DHA, which can come from fish oil.  This makes your brain operate more smoothly, like "greasing the wheels" or neurons, as the case may be.

Omega-3 fish oil

 

On reading your thread, about urges, and thoughts - I think you need to know about Neuro Emotions.  These are chemically caused emotions, as a direct result of withdrawal.  THEY ARE NOT YOU. They are effect of the drug.  It is these, which have been responsible for all kinds of disasters, from school shootings, to self harm, to suicide.    That's why it is important to name them and shame them!  Another thing, which we do not have a thread for, is Neuro Thoughts, which result directly as the Neuro Emotions attempt to communicate with you.  This is why you feel possessed.  But it's just the drug, not a demon or even a madness coming to get you.

 

But reading about others experience of NeuroEmotions, may help you, and hearing that you can survive it should help, too.  Others have survived it, you will too.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

I think it's too soon to talk about Mindfulness, though that will be something for you to investigate soon.

 

In my belief, you are firmly in the distraction stage.  The walk didn't feel good, but it distracted you for 10 minutes.  TV doesn't give you the pleasure it once did, but it will distract you for a half hour. 

 

Make a list of 20 things to distract you.  Examples may include (but not limited to):  Phone a friend.  Listen to some old, favorite music.  Try some new music (scary!).  Take a walk, try a 10 minute yoga session.  Try a 15 minute mindfulness meditation (links below).  Take an epsom salts bath.  Have a cuppa herb tea.  Take 10 long, slow, deep breaths through your nose.  Do you have a pet?  Visit with your pet (they're lifesavers, really, they are!).  Check out a TV series from your library and watch them all.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Babylon5, Seinfeld, Medium, Twilight Zone, Xena Warrior Princess - these have been my favorites.  These are my suggestions, but I am not you.  You will have different ideas.  And once you have a list, you can see what you "feel like" for the distraction of the moment.

Gentle yoga for calming

Jon Kabat-Zinn Mindfulness for Stress reduction 15 min

 

My ex-husband described it as "always feeling like, wherever I am, I should be somewhere else."

 

You are not alone, we're right here with you.  I hope that, among my suggestions, you will find something that helps.  You cannot fix it, make it go away - time is what you need.  Lots of waiting, while your brain stops bouncing   So the best you can do is distract yourself while you are waiting.

 

You can do this - you have survived thus far, and that's awesome!  

[blackhill4]

Miserable day today but tonight is alright, funny how it keeps flipping from good daytime/bad night to bad daytime/good night. Bad nights suck because I get no sleep, but tonight should be good.

[Fresh]

I love your suggestions JanCarol , thankyou.   That's perfect ,    "Always feeling like , where ever I am , I should be somewhere else."

[luv2knit]

Glad your akathisia has eased off somewhat, blackhill. Hope it stays that way. Reading through some of the later posts in your thread--I think the weight loss is something that many (most) of us have in common. I have lost 32 lbs. in 7 months. It seems to be slowing down some, but I still continue to lose.

[antidepressantsNoMore]

I know how you feel. I stopped prestiq (SNRI) cold turkey over 2 and a half years ago. The W/D are almost all over. The side effects of w/d take a long time to go away if you stop cold turkey. A long time so you better seek help as soon as possible. Do not wait like I did. I made a serious mistake stopping cold turkey. I never was informed how dangerous it was to just stop taking these drugs. My doc told me don't stop but never explained the severity of stopping cold turkey. I will most likely never take another anti-depressant again for the rest of my life after this experience.

[blackhill4]

Yeah no more antidepressants ever again for me, no matter what. Today was a hell again unfortunately, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Pugknows]

((((Blackhill)))) so sorry you are suffering. Keep telling yourself this is the worst of it and will only get better from here. Hugs.

[JanCarol]

Blackhill, hey.  The windows you are having - good day / bad night or vice-versa - are really good signs.  

 

It's a sign that your body is closer to stabilising.  This is not to say that it won't easily get out of whack again - but windows, and the memory of them, keep us alive while in a wave.

 

Have you written down your 20 distractions yet?  

[blackhill4]

Do windows still count if they don't make me feel 100%? Because they are better but not completely. And Jan your post made me feel much better which is quite an accomplishment right now, tonight is ok though at least. This process makes no sense to me lol, I get worse symptoms but start having windows . And now that fresh mentioned euphoria I realise that was what I felt for about 10 months in year 1. My symptoms were pretty average then, not good or bad but I was emotionally dead. All I could feel was a bit of dread or some weird pleasure from euphoria (people who have had them will know what I mean). I also had severe confusion and cog fog, it has gone down a lot although I still have cognitive problems.

[blackhill4]

Jan I have a system where I do certain activities for a certain amount of time on a certain day so I have lots to do, my symptoms still stop me in my tracks to make me feel terrible a lot but I am trying to distract myself.

[blackhill4]

So a few days ago I noticed I felt a little different and I had a nap, when I woke up I was shaking a little bit but felt really good actually. This was followed by a great night and a great half day the next day. My symptoms came back after that but I'm pretty sure that was a decent window!  Sorry for not posting for the last few days, was busy with some stuff in group therapy and other things.

[Fresh]

Lovely news blackhill ,     looks like things are on the improve. 

[Pugknows]

Excellent news, Blackhill! Awesome!

[luv2knit]

That's great that you're doing a bit better blackhill!

[LoveandLight]

Happy to hear of your window

[blackhill4]

Thanks dudes, another bad morning but the afternoon was ok. Then at night same stuff, feeling like jumping out of my skin and feeling weird but it's not my worst day. I have a piercing depression I am getting worried about though.

[Pugknows]

((((Blackhill)))) Depression can be crushing. So sorry you are going through this. Depression lifts though. It doesn't stay long. Let it wash over you. You'll be okay. xoxo

[blackhill4]

Anyone know what tingling in the muscles is? Had it for a while and I think it might be akathisia. Anyway another good/bad day with 90% bad.

[Pugknows]

So so sorry you're suffering, Blackhill. Hugs to you. 90% bad today could mean 50% good tomorrow.