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Is there any meaning to all of this?


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I don’t mean for this to be a negative post, as I’m actually feeling quite good at the moment. But thinking back to the hellish despair I’ve gone through in these past 20 months, the insomnia, the horrendous depression, emotional anesthesia, loss of personality, suicidality, inability to socialize, headaches, paralyzing fear, fatigue, etc etc etc. . . I wonder what the meaning is behind this whole thing. How could PAWS be a good thing for us in any way in the long run? Being in a window right now, I feel very much like my old self. I found myself giggling with some friends and dancing in the mirror today. A few days ago I was in a wave and tremendous despair. Now, I’m out of that wave but I’m thinking: what was the point? What did the wave do for me other than ruin and waste precious moments of my life? What does withdrawal do for any of us other than waste and harm our lives? I’ve come up with two pros that I can think of that come from withdrawal:


1. Never will we ever touch another psychiatric medications again. We can breathe easy knowing we never will have to go through this experience again


2. After going through the intense pain of withdrawal, we can probably say we have grown stronger and more resilient than we ever were before medications.


But are there any other benefits anyone can think of? Or would you consider withdrawal syndrome a random mistake that did nothing but ruin a portion of our lives

Zoloft 50 mg from April 23, 2015 to August 28th, 2016 (1 year, 4 months).

4 week taper. Last dose on August 28, 2016


Mianserin 30 mg in an attempt to reverse PSSD from September 6th, 2017–around mid November 2017 after a few week taper. Did not fix PSSD


Currently taking: Melatonin and magnesium every night.

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i love your questions.

i am not sure, there is so much suffering on the planet.

what about the war is Syria, what about the holocaust?

there is no answer to the general suffering.


i am more with your number 2 but it is not about medication

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found"- pema chodron.


i know that i am not my mind in withdrawal.

this has taught me to have faith in TIME. everything passes.

the gratitude when i feel normal in a window is immeasurable.

i don't take what i have and who i am for granted anymore.

the humility and compassion that i feel for others has greatly increased.

this has taught me to focus on the present moment when i feel good. to make the most of it. i think about people who have terminal illness and have a limited amount of time to live.

i think about people with degenerative disease who will never get better but gets worse with time. at least, we heal. it takes a lot of time, but we get better as time passes.


enjoy your window and make the most of it :)

and when things gets hard, i focus on the lessons.



june 2014 to feb  2015- on xanax 0.25 to 1mg/day- then CT - jan 2016 - panic attack, went on 3.75mg remeron to sleep march 2016- CT remeron (because it caused me tinnitus)- deep depression, couldn't sleep because of  intrusive Tinnitus

april to june 2016- valium 4mg, xanax as needed, lunesta 3mg

june 2016 - valium 4mg, lexapro 10mg

oct 2016- valium 2mg, lexapro 10mg- hold

march 2017- started daily micro liquid taper of valium and lex- -taper speed 0.0033mg valium daily and 0.033mg lex daily

may 2018- valium 1mg, lexapro 2.4mg - i had to slow down the rate of my daily micro taper considerably

LAST dose of Lexapro: 0.05mg on 05/17/19

LAST dose of valium: 0.04mg on 08/18/19

April 26th 2020- intense panic attack that lasted 4 days, akatisia, 0 sleep- suicidal, almost hospitalized- took rescue doses over 2 days- total: 1.5mg xanax, 18mg valium, 2x5mg lexapro




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I was just about to start a new topic to ask WHY anyone would want to go through med withdrawal when I found this post. On meds, I still had occasional problems with anger (usually traffic related) and distress tolerance, but off the meds, it's becoming unbearable at times--so much so that I wonder about going back on something so that I can be a more together mother, grandmother, friend, and employee, etc. When I read about windows and people still struggling years after withdrawal and it fills me with fear and sadness. I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel . . .  

I was first prescribed Prozac (20 mg) in 1994; over time, this was increased to 80 mg then reduced to 60 mg because I felt like a zombie on the higher dose.


Over the years, I was prescribed Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro, and Effexor, but I don't recall why my meds were switched. I saw various  therapists over the years, so they and my primary care physician would prescribe this or that antidepressant. 


In 2013, I weaned myself off of Effexor, but not long after this I went on Celexa (20 mg) because it seemed that I was constantly crying. I let my physician know that I was not interested in a higher dose.


At the end of March 2018, I weaned myself off on Celexa; my physician recommended halving the dose for one week then quitting it altogether (which shows his lack of understanding about SSRI withdrawal). To facilitate this process, I began meditating twice a day (I learned TM when I was 15 but never stuck with it) and seeing a therapist.


Off the meds, I'm experiencing frequent episodes of intense rage, profound grief, and guilt over my extreme emotions and inability to tolerate stress, all of which were (to a lesser extent) problems when I was on meds, but now they are often close to unbearable. I'm about to begin a 24-week DBT skills group and hope it works for me; otherwise . . . 

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