lunathycat: my psych med journey

[lunathycat]

Mod Note:  Content may be triggering.

 

I started medication when I was only 12/13 years old. I’m 15 years old now. I was going through a rough time with bullying at school, pressure to do volleyball, an alcoholic emotionally abusive father and a mother who didn’t really understand me all too well.

 

I did have really bad anxiety and it caused me to become depressed on top of the things I couldn’t control. I was going through puberty so of course it was a very emotional/rebellious time. I’ve always been a very anxious shy kid ever since kindergarten. I remember hating talking in front of the class and interacting with people my age. I’ve always been somewhat emotional but I held my feelings in for about 7 years and I basically just had enough when I was about 11 years old. I couldn’t take all of the stress I dealed with daily. my life has always been sorta chaotic. parents agruging 24/7 causing me to never have a bond with them or do anything with them, school with screaming kids ripping my hair out, punching me. It was a lot to take in for a child. I even had a really bad studdering problem because of all the overwhelming anxiety.

 

at about 11 I was getting into heavy music, dark clothes and hating the authorities. I wasn’t even sure why honestly but looking back I realize I was just having an emotional overload and I needed to break from it. I started to get into self mutilation because I heard it helps to cope with depression and anxiety. I didn’t even really like it but I continued to do it mainly because I was crying for help. hoping my mom would help me in some sort of way to stop the hopeless and useless feeling. this is when I started psych drugs. I remember going to the psychiatric hospital for the first time scared to death. I was still really shy at that time.

 

the doctor prescribed zoloft and abilify (I can’t remember the doses). I was really hesitant taking these pills but I did it anyway being naive thinking it would help me. this is where it allllll went down hill. when I was released from the hospital and I acted extremely rebellious. almost like an addict would. most of it is a blur but I remember my emotions basically disappeared. I had no sympathy, not many depressive thoughts, no happiness I was just numb. the cutting on my arms actually got really worse and I started to do it because It was the only type of feeling I could have. I was emotionless so it felt better to feel some sort of physical pain rather than nothing at all. I was just such an awful mess.

 

I barely attended school, I had the cops called on me many times for being truant, I started to steal my mother’s credit card, started to be physically abusive so I could get ahold of razors to hurt myself with. throughout this entire time I was switching pills weekly it seemed. my body couldn’t adjust. my brain was and still is developing so you could only imagine how damaging the chemicals were. I was so lethargic. It was a struggle to get out of my bed to even bathe. I was very paranoid which made school also very hard for me. I believed that everyone secretly hated me and was out to get me. I started to hate myself and the way I looked. at night I was super tired yet was unable to sleep. it was like my body was shut down to get rest but my eyes were pried open. I was hearing and seeing things which also kept me up.

 

medication made me so tired that I was knocked out during school hours. I’d get yelled at constantly by teachers for sleeping when it was out of my control. I was only about 100 pounds before pills and now I’m currently 140 pounds. gladly, I’ve been about a year clean from the cutting addiction but because of how my anxiety worsened from meds I need to cope in some sort of way so I binge eat a lot and the fact that I gained because that’s a side effect of certain meds.

 

I was a minor so I had to take the pills I was prescribed even if I meant I was suicidal. I’ve been on a total of 10 different psych meds. my diagnosis was changed multiple times which really confused me. how does mental illness change within a week? first I was diagnosed with severe depression. then anxiety, OCD, bipolar type 2, ADHD.

 

I started to realize that the prescriptions were just making everything worse. it felt like a joke. they take their patients life as a joke in my opinion. how can you ruin a child’s (and adults) life with strong opioids  (equally as bad as heroin and meth) all for profit. I’ve been off all pills since october 1st. I feel slightly better but a part of me thinks prescriptions did permanent brain damage.. I never had bad eyesight and bad hearing before. neither was I suicidal. I know for sure the issues I had just gots 40x times worse and added more problems. I was just a sad teen because of my life situation and hormones. now I feel as if I’m this depressed/anxious person forever.

 

I feel genuinely sad for the people that have lost their lives to these strong drugs. some people don’t even realize what it does to them. sometimes I wish I had never survived through it. I just hope that I can recover by the time I’m 18 so I can accomplish things and at least get to a point where I’m somewhat happy. the only thing I can thank this journey for is that it forced me to be a more mature person. I hope this made some sense. It’s still really hard to understand for myself. If you read this, thank you for your time and I hope you’re off meds & feeling better! 

 

lunathycat <33

 

Edited October 31, 2018 by ChessieCat
Added mod note and spacing changed sign off name

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, lunathycat.  I am so sorry for the terrible experiences you've been through.  

 

To give members the best information, we ask them to summarize their medication history in a signature -- drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months particularly.  Just do the best you can.  Be sure to include the drugs you went off on October 1 and whether you tapered or CT'd.  Please also list any supplements you're taking.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Please also let us know what symptoms you are experiencing, both physical and emotional, since you went off the drugs.

 

We have had several members who were drugged as children and went on to recover.  The brain has a remarkable capacity to heal itself.  

 

Healing from antidepressants: The power of neuroplasticity video (7.5 minutes)

 

I'm going to give you several links that I hope are helpful to you.  It's a lot of information, but please don't be overwhelmed.  Just take your time.  The first links are on withdrawal so you have a better understanding of what you're going through.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

 The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

Youtube video, 4 minutes: Healing from antidepressants

 

It's important to try and remain as calm as possible and not to panic.  It's important to learn and use Non-drug techniques to cope

 

You might find these helpful:

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Please research all supplements first and only add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

This link contains helpful information, including insomnia, how to talk to doctors and also non-drug coping skills. 

 

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

 

This is your introduction topic -- the place for you to ask questions, record symptoms, share your progress, and connect with other members of the SA community.  I hope you’ll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation.  I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but I am glad that you found us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, lunathycat.

 

Very sorry you've been through this.

 

On 10/30/2018 at 10:50 PM, lunathycat said:

I was a minor so I had to take the pills I was prescribed even if I meant I was suicidal. I’ve been on a total of 10 different psych meds. my diagnosis was changed multiple times which really confused me. how does mental illness change within a week? first I was diagnosed with severe depression. then anxiety, OCD, bipolar type 2, ADHD.

 

What drugs are you taking now? How do you feel?

 

Are you only 15 now? Are you back in school? How are you getting along with your family?