Justalysn: careless cold turkey after a decade

[Justalysn]

Hello all!

 

As my title indicates, I'm here because I went cold turkey(ish) and I'm three months out and experiencing one withdrawal symptom that I'm almost 100% certain *is* a symptom: rage.

 

My history: I'm 45 now but as far back as I can recall, I suffered from feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed by the small responsibilities of life. My depression was bad in my teens and I barely made it through to a bachelors degree in college with 5.5 years of classes and 7 years from start to finish.

 

During that time I was given, independently, Prozac and Luvox briefly but was unable to afford maintenance on them and didn't feel like I was doing any better with them anyway. By my late 20s I was continuously depressed and also had rage issues but I finally ended a long term relationship I'd known for years I was unhappy with and began to do better.

 

I met and married my husband in my early 30s and was doing well enough - basic chronic depression but rage was very much reduced. I had an MDE in '09 when my husband suffered a major health and career scare and I started on Wellbutrin and Zoloft. I maintained those to varying levels through mid '16 to mid '17 when I had an undiagnosed repeat of the MDE triggered by a similar life event, and I doubled the dose of Zoloft. Worked with a therapist for about a year after that.

 

During the lead up and subsequent relocation of a short notice move, I became careless with taking my meds regularly - I really didn't feel they were helping me to be happy as I *wasn't* really but I was comfortable and I attributed that to therapy (I do really well with going over the b.s. in my head with someone.) I arrived in my new location at the beginning of September, realized the vertigo I was experiencing wasn't necessarily a result of frequent elevator rides but more likely withdrawal and I thought "Well, I'm practically off them anyway!" so I quit lukewarm turkey.

 

And I've been fine. Ish. The vertigo stopped, my overall mood has been no better or worse, and I've been as (basic life responsibilities) functional (if not better) as when I was on the meds. The only major downside is that the rage appears to be back. I dont know if it's a part of who I've always been, tamped down by meds all these years, or if it's a withdrawal side effect. I can see it and feel it and sometimes wrestle with it intellectually, but sometimes I just sit there hating everyone and everything. I do my best not to act on it (I don't start arguments and I certainly don't lash out physically) but I would really like for it to go away. Complicating all of this is hormonal migraines and perimenopause so for all I know I'm just angry because my body is staging a revolt on every front.

 

Anyway, I'm here just hoping that someone can (lie to me) tell me that they've been through it too and don't worry it really is withdrawal and it will last only one more month and then all that hard work you thought you put in to keep the rage controlled will really still be there. Barring that fairy tale, any pointers would be appreciated. 

 

Thanks!

Justalysn 

Edited December 14, 2018 by Altostrata
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[Altostrata]

Welcome, Just.

 

Many apologies for the delay in reviewing your topic.

 

Does this symptom you call rage follow any daily pattern? Is it worse at some times of day than others?

 

Since you went off Zoloft (?) in September, how has your sleep been?

 

Because they date from so long ago, your history suggests that your rage issues might be due to family difficulties in your upbringing. This is something you might take up with a psychotherapist.

 

Going on and off psychiatric drugs can make your nervous system hypersensitive and increase the tendency to emotional spirals. You might also be interested in

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

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