SkyStreamer: tapering off Cipralex / escitalopram safely

[Poppy745]

2 hours ago, SkyStreamer said:

Hi @mezzer - thanks for your comments and feedback. 

Recently, I went through a very big 'grace period.' I seem to have gone through a huge window that revealed to me my many failures and shortcomings over the years since I've been medicated, especially in relation to my family. It completely floored me, but gave me true humility (i.e., seeing myself as I truly am, in all my brokenness). I'm not sure how much my drop in pills contributed to this, but it has been a big sign of progress, though extremely painful and agonizing on a personal emotional level. I believe that grace was probably the biggest factor in leading to this experience.  I have since admitted my many failures to both my wife and my kids and have deeply asked for their forgiveness. I am now trying to dedicate myself fully to a life of love and service to my family. 

I'm still plugging away with my taper. Down to 1.8mg. I am so eager to move more quickly. Looking at my signature, I'm shocked at how slow my taper has taken. Looking back, I feel I should have been off my ADs at least three years ago. But, here I am, and I cannot get the past back. I've been dropping now between 8%-10% consistently every month. I'm going to try to keep going down by this amount each month.

@SkyStreamer Just saw your post on the stream. I feel more connected to loved ones and friends with less drug and when in CT before. You are doing so well. Keep going. 

[SkyStreamer]

On 11/4/2023 at 12:52 PM, LostInCanada said:

@SkyStreamer you have worked hard to get here. Keep listening to your body to set the pace of your taper. I know you want off but you don't want to crash. Hold longer when withdrawal symptoms are increasing. Please be kind to yourself. These drugs have numbed us in so many ways and by extension have affected our relationships. We have to forgive ourselves and move forward. You are doing so well. 👍

Good advice. When I became shocked at how much I had hurt my family because of my dysfunction, I immediately felt like I had been possessed by these drugs in some way. I got scared that even this last dosage of 1.7mg is still causing me a lot of behviour dysfunction. And, I dont' want my family to be affected by this any longer. But, your right. Going too fast could cause serious problems and even undercut all the progress I've made in these last very slow 6-7 years. I have such pain and sorrow because of the hurt I've caused my wife and children. It is such a difficult burden to carry. It has really brought me back to my Catholic faith though. I look at the crucifixn in an entirely different way now, and I am grateful for the being able to go to confession. 

[LostInCanada]

We can only move forward. Thankfully God is the "Hearer of prayers" and He is love. (Psalm 65:2; 1 John 4:8) Stay aware of how the drug affects you and be quick to apologize. We can't change the past but we can change now. 👍

[SkyStreamer]

I'm now down to 1.7mg.

 

The most difficult challenge right now has been maintaining motivation to continue tapering. Throughout this entire journey, my motivation was to become my true self again - the person I really am without ADs. Now I'm realizing that this true self will have to face, acknowledge and try and embrace all the pain I've caused others throughout my tapering journey in order to be and remain my true self. I didn't realize that all this sorrow and remorse would become part of the package of becoming my true self off ADs. A part of me doesn't want to see anymore of my past and current dysfunctions, which tapering seems to reveal. This part seems to want to remain in ignorance. But, there is another part that wants to see the truth of everything (all the pain and sorrow) so that I can finally begin to actually love and serve my family and others. Continued ignorance and blindness from the ADs would prevent this from becoming a full reality for me. I never thought I would encounter this enormous struggle towards the end of my tapering journey. 

[SkyStreamer]

19 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

We can only move forward. Thankfully God is the "Hearer of prayers" and He is love. (Psalm 65:2; 1 John 4:8) Stay aware of how the drug affects you and be quick to apologize. We can't change the past but we can change now. 👍

 Yes, I am so thankful that he is a 'Hearer of prayers" and love itself. WIthout that, I don't think I would have much hope.  

Apologizing is very important. For me, so is forgiveness. I am so easily triggered to become angry and revengeful. It is such an ingrained default.

Most of my dysfunction was rooted in anger and revenge. I'm just starting to try and get a handle on this. It is a huge challenge, especially with so much muscle memory in my brain. 

[SkyStreamer]

PLEASE HELP!

In August, September and October of this year, I went down 10% of my AD, which has brought me now to 1.7mg.

 

I have been experiencing extremely debilitating anxiety, fear, negative thoughts. Some of these include that my wife is going to leave me with the kids ad move to a new country; that I'll never see my kids again; that I am evil and irrepairable; that I have hurt my family too much to ever salvage my role as father and husband; that my wife hates me. I try not to think about these thougths, but they are so overpowering. They just get in their and begin to beat me down, and then I seem to end up believing them. I have never experienced such powerful withdrawal symptoms. I also think it is suppressed emotions coming up from my decrease.

 

What should I do? Should I go back up to 2.5mg or 5mg? I hate to go back up after all my hard work, I'm now sure how long I can hold on like this. I'm very worried all this and not sure how I can continue like this. 

I haven't been doing therapy for a long while; so I wonder if I still have a lot of unresolved emotional pain that is coming up as I have decreased my pills. Maybe I need to increase for a while and then address these emotional wounds?

 

 

[LostInCanada]

49 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Should I go back up to 2.5mg or 5mg? 

Going up to those high of dosages are not necessary even if you feel the need to updose. Your body has already made changes in accord to where you are. What was the dose before 1.7 mg? Maybe an updose between the 2 like 1.75mg. Or you try to ride it out. It has been over 1.5 months since your last drop. When have these feelings started. I think a good long hold might be needed just to give your body a rest and some stability once this gets resolved.👍

[SkyStreamer]

5 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

Going up to those high of dosages are not necessary even if you feel the need to updose. Your body has already made changes in accord to where you are. What was the dose before 1.7 mg? Maybe an updose between the 2 like 1.75mg. Or you try to ride it out. It has been over 1.5 months since your last drop. When have these feelings started. I think a good long hold might be needed just to give your body a rest and some stability once this gets resolved.👍

 

I decreased an average of about 0.01mg every two weeks for the last 2.5 months. This equals out to about 10% per month during this period. If I went back up to 1.8mg or even 1.9mg or 2mg, would this even make a difference and reduce my symptoms? 

I'm so desperate. The biggest agony is seeing all the many ways the I refused to love my wife and kids during the worst of my withdrawals. I was so distant, uncaring, uninvolved, insensitive, unloving, emotionally unavailable. And this hurt them all so much. It feels like my heart is literally burning from the remorse and sadness of seeing these realities. I think the pills and the withdrawal symptoms may have blinded me from seeing these things then. I also wonder whether I might have had the moral capacity to actually have done better in these regards. I wonder if I just chose to reject love and simply blamed it on my pills and withdrawals symptoms as a way to make myself feel better. 

I am struggling to want to enter back into ignorance and blindness, because the awareness of my many failures are causing me so much emotional and psychological pain. It is such a dark place to be. And, I keep hoping that what I'm seeing about myself and my past actions are not as bad as my mind is playing them out to be, and that they might be exaggerated to some degree. But, I worry that these things are actually raw reality. If they are, I don't know how I can possibly come to terms with them. 

[LostInCanada]

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

If I went back up to 1.8mg or even 1.9mg or 2mg, would this even make a difference and reduce my symptoms? 

Absolutely. Your body is adjusting and already was adjusted to the previous dose before 1.7 mg.  If you do an up dose, a small increase is better and much easier on your cns. Allow at least 10 days to see the full effect. 
Acceptance, kindness and  forgiveness of ourselves is important. We also deal with neuro emotions which multiply everything we feel. Have you read up on the site about that? It is good to understand how they affect us. 

[SkyStreamer]

On 12/31/2023 at 11:21 PM, LostInCanada said:

Absolutely. Your body is adjusting and already was adjusted to the previous dose before 1.7 mg.  If you do an up dose, a small increase is better and much easier on your cns. Allow at least 10 days to see the full effect. 
Acceptance, kindness and  forgiveness of ourselves is important. We also deal with neuro emotions which multiply everything we feel. Have you read up on the site about that? It is good to understand how they affect us. 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Makes sense.

 

I'll try a small increase and see how it turns out.

 

I'm trying to practice self-compassion after dropping it for a while. I remember finding it helpful.

[SkyStreamer]

PLEASE HELP!  ADICE NEEDED! I am having so many symptoms since about 5 months ago. These symptoms seem to be very close to Narcissistic Personality Disorder or to Biopolar. I am super scared that maybe I have one of these, or possibly both. I especially became aware of my severe selfishness and over-inflated ego about 5 months ago, and it completely floored me. I've changed a lot in terms of my behaviour, but I still feel the strong selfishness inside my heart (me over others and God). I feel very ashamed. I did struggle with some of these symptoms before going on pills (mostly control in relationship, jealousy, anxiety, fear, and selfishness). But, not to the degree that I am now. But, maybe these conditions have become more pronounced and stronger over time. Or, could this be an effect of tapering off my ADs? I don't want to blame everything on my ADs? Maybe I've always had these underlying disorders before the pills, and the pills just suppressed them, or at least made me blind to their existence. Or, could it be that the withdrawal symptoms are actually mimicking these disorders. I'm so confused and so scared.

[LostInCanada]

8 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

I've changed a lot in terms of my behaviour, but I still feel the strong selfishness inside my heart (me over others and God).

Changes take time. Recognizing the need is the best first step. The world we live in is geared toward ego and selfishness. My advice is don't try to label it. Just keep trying to influence your inner self for the good. See the benefits of the changes and the repercussions of the negative behavior. 

That being said these drugs and withdrawal make us think and act in a way that can be contrary to our true nature. 

[SkyStreamer]

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!! I am in a state of utter emotional and mental hell. I'm still in complete agony with my symptoms: huge anxiety, fear, depression, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts regularly. I also have extremely negative thinking. I feel like garbage. My self-esteem is almost a ground zero. And, I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts that nothing is going to work out and everything is just going to crash and burn. I am married and have a large family and am the only income earner. My wife is at the end of her rope. My debt has now climbed to $6,000 and is increasing each month. I am trying to work full-time, but this is an enormous struggle to stay motivated and focused. I have very little ability to stay focused. For the last 8 months, I have barely been able to get out of bed. Working is a daily struggle. I feel like I am on the edge of a major mental/emotional crash in which I could end up in the hospital. I have held at 1.7mg since November last year. But, nothing is really improving. I fear losing my marriage and my kids of things do not take a positive turn. I am thinking about going up to 5mg just to prevent a major mental crash. I'm not sure if this is enough. I fear if I don't do this soon, the results could be extremely disastrous. 

[LostInCanada]

@SkyStreamer we previously discussed an updose. Did you try a small updose? What was the last dose where you felt stable? I think going to 5 mg would be too much too fast. Too much of an updose can cause problems as well. Even with updosing slow is better.

[SkyStreamer]

9 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

@SkyStreamer we previously discussed an updose. Did you try a small updose? What was the last dose where you felt stable? I think going to 5 mg would be too much too fast. Too much of an updose can cause problems as well. Even with updosing slow is better.

Hi @LostInCanada. I up-dosed to 1.8mg about 2 months ago. I never really made much of a difference. The can't really remember the last dose I felt okay at. It was probably at around 5mg. 

I am extremely desperate for some relief. I don't know how much longer I can hold out in this state. I am speaking to my family doctor and my psychologist in the next few days. My mind and emotions are not in a good state. I don't know if I should go up to 2mg for two weeks, then 3mg, then 4mg, and then 5mg. I'm really really desperate and I feel very panicky about everything. It seems like everything is crashing slowly around me. Too much stress. Too much anxiety. Too much fear. I am barely coping. I don't know what to do. 

[LostInCanada]

8 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

I don't know if I should go up to 2mg for two weeks,

This would be a logical step and worth trying. You can reassess after a week .

9 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

then 3mg, then 4mg, and then 5mg. I'm really really desperate and I feel very panicky about everything.

Jumping to 3 mg would be to high if nothing happens at 2 mg. Your body has made alot of changes since 2020 when you were at 5 mg. Making panicked decisions is never good. Try to breathe deeply, you are safe, you will get through this, look how far you have come. The key is to get yourself stable without complicating the situation by updosing too quickly or adding other drugs. 

13 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

I am barely coping

This is an iatrogenic illness, caused by doctors and medication. This is not you but the drug through no fault of your own. It is no different than having any other long term illness. Please be gentle with yourself. Can you do some CBT (free online course) or read or listen to some Claire Weekes. I find her helpful.

 

 

[SkyStreamer]

49 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

This would be a logical step and worth trying. . .

 

 

Thank you @LostInCanada. I will go up to 2mg tomorrow and see if I can wait one week. Then I will likely go up again to 2.5mg or 3mg. I just don't know what else to do. I'm trying not to panic, but it is difficult when my nervous system is already in panic mode and I can't seem to turn if off even for a moment. I am so desperate right now. The suicidal ideations are hitting me regularly today and my anxiety and fear are in extreme overdrive. I feel so helpless and lost, so utterly alone in darkness. 

[LostInCanada]

28 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Then I will likely go up again to 2.5mg or 3mg

If these drugs were linear and rational that would make sense but they aren't. If in a week there is no change, The most I would go is 2.2 mg. Going too high too fast can bring more trouble. 

I know you have alot of responsibilities. Can you take a medical leave or get disability? EI has a provision as well.

Maybe your wife can watch this BBC program and get some clarity about withdrawal.

https://rumble.com/v2wlt7g-the-antidepressant-story-bbc-panorama-documentary.html

🙏🙏🙏

 

[SkyStreamer]

On 4/3/2024 at 2:11 PM, LostInCanada said:

If these drugs were linear and rational that would make sense but . . .

 

 
Thank you @LostInCanada. I really appreciate your feedback and help. 

I went up to 2.3mg about 5-6 days ago. And, I am not getting any relief. Extreme anxiety, fear, depression and suicidal thoughts. Yesterday morning I felt like I was literally going insane. Extreme distorted negative thinking and hopelessness. Everything is dark, pessimistic and discouraging. I really fear like I could crash mentally and end up in a hospital. I am very scared of this. There is a part of me that thinks I should go up to 5mg, as this was the last time that I think I was in a somewhat stable state. I know that is a risk, but I also feel like just increasing gradually is also a risk, in that it is insufficient for my current challenges. I've also thought about just going up to 3mg tomorrow and seeing how that goes for a week. I feel like a lot of my symptoms now were present before I went on ADs, but they are just stronger now. Given my desperation, what do you think? I am in a very very dark place and a part of me feels like I could crash any day. 

Thank you for your patience!

[LostInCanada]

12 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

5mg, as this was the last time that I think I was in a somewhat stable state. I know that is a risk, but I also feel like just increasing gradually is also a risk, in that it is insufficient for my current challenges. I've also thought about just going up to 3mg tomorrow and seeing how that goes for a week

Your taper has been gradual and it's been 4 years since you were at 5 mg. I don't think going up higher is going to help. It sounds like it is getting worse going up. 

Is it possible the drug has pooped out? This could explain the WD symptoms. Maybe doing some searching in here about poop out could help you see if that lines up. Just doing a Google search shows the drug you are on is known for this.

[LostInCanada]

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/437-tolerance-or-poop-out-or-tachyphylaxis/#comment-4328

 

I found the last page had alot of insights. Going up can makes things worse. When tapering, initially you feel better and then start feeling worse again. I think it is worth a thorough reading. 

[SkyStreamer]

On 4/8/2024 at 1:15 PM, LostInCanada said:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/437-tolerance-or-poop-out-or-tachyphylaxis/#comment-4328

 

I found the last page had alot of insights. Going up can makes things worse. When tapering, initially you feel better and then start feeling worse again. I think it is worth a thorough reading. 

 

Thank you for your feedback @LostInCanada

I read through it and there are some good insights. I am panicking a bit, I know. I'm trying to make the best decision I can given my circumstances. I am married with several children, 3 of which are very small. 

 

RIght now, I have extreme anxiety, fear, self-criticism, guilt , confusion, panic. I am also only sleeping 4-6 hours per night and am exhausted everyday. 

 

I just spoke to my family doctor and she advised not going up any more on my AD. She said this could just prolong the inevitable need of having to come off and add to the problems of coming off it in the future. She said you really do want to get off this stuff. She recommended first trying Glycine for getting better sleep. She said that if Glycine didn't work after 7-10 days then there are two other options she suggested: (1) trying a sleeping pill called Dayvigo; (2) or, move to one of these two antidepressants, which may be easier to taper off: Rameron or Mirtazipine. 

Could stopping lexapro and switching to Rameron or Mirtazipine be a better option for me than trying to taper off lexapro? People are always saying it is one of the most difficult ADs to come off of and that it has horrible WD symptoms. 

You may be right when you said in your last post that going up may be causing problems. The only thing is that I decided to go up when I noticed severe increase in anxiety, fear, self-condemnation/criticism. This last increase in WD symptoms seem to start big time once I got covid. It hit me hard for two weeks and all my symptoms were extreme. Maybe I just needed to ride out this wave. I'm so confused and I feel very stupid.

I need your advice about what I should do at this point. I've been at 2.0mg for the last month and a week (up from 1.7mg). And, I've now been on 2.3mg for the last 5 days. And, today, I just went up to 2.5mg. Should I just go back to 2.0mg and stay put there, or should I stay at 2.3mg? 

You've been so helpful, and I'm very grateful. I'm sorry to make this so difficult, I'm just in so much agony and distress and everything seems so confusing and dark right now. 

[SkyStreamer]

On 4/8/2024 at 1:15 PM, LostInCanada said:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/437-tolerance-or-poop-out-or-tachyphylaxis/#comment-4328

 

I found the last page had alot of insights . . . 

 

@LostInCanada

Altostrat said this on the page link you sent me: 

"we don't know if there is a relationship between tolerance, poop-out, and severity of withdrawal syndrome.

 

It seems some people have severe and prolonged withdrawal after taking antidepressants a relatively short amount of time, before poop-out occurs."

It seems like this would suggest that going up a small amount might not make things worse in terms of WD symptoms. How do you read this part?

 

[LostInCanada]

26 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Should I just go back to 2.0mg and stay put there, or should I stay at 2.3mg? 

I definitely would not stay at 2.5 mg. I think 2.3 mg would probably be the best.

 

19 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

we don't know if there is a relationship between tolerance, poop-out, and severity of withdrawal syndrome.

 

It seems some people have severe and prolonged withdrawal after taking antidepressants a relatively short amount of time, before poop-out occurs."

For me, I think there are still alot of unknowns. All I know is with poop out there isn't stability but it has similar symptoms to WD. So continuing to drop despite these symptoms is the only way. But when tapering, one must stay conscious of any new or worsening symptoms which could mean the taper rate is too large or too often.

I think your taper has been careful and conservative and leans toward poop out.

 

This quote from brass monkey shows why going up can be problematic:

Poopout is a weird situation in which the body and the drug are fighting for control. It actually is a form of withdrawal because the body has started to find ways around the effects of the drug and is trying to function normally while the drug is trying to make it function the way it wants it to. The only way to change the situation is to reduce the amount of the drug in a slow manner so the body can make the changes necessary to function without it, but not reducing enough to increase the WD symptoms. So in effect the only way to get out of poopout is to reduce the dose of the drug

 

[LostInCanada]

28 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Could stopping lexapro and switching to Rameron or Mirtazipine be a better option for me than trying to taper off lexapro?

If you are in poop out this won't help...your body has had enough manipulation. You would be dealing with more WD and new side effects. There is possibility of an adverse drug reaction due to a sensitive CNS. 

 

32 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

trying Glycine for getting better sleep. She said that if Glycine didn't work after 7-10 days then there are two other options she suggested: (1) trying a sleeping pill called Dayvigo

Do you take magnesium bisglycinate? It has glycine in it is my understanding. I would not ever recommend dayvigo as it is a hypnotic like the Z drugs 

Please research sleep hygiene on here. Can you take an online CBT course to help with your thinking patterns?

[SkyStreamer]

14 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

I definitely would not stay at 2.5 mg. I think 2.3 mg would probably be the best.

 

Just to confirm, you would advise staying at 2.3mg, and not going back to 2.0mg (even though it was only 5 days ago that I updosed from 2.0mg to 2.3mg?

Also, just so I can better understand, if you think 2.3mg is the best option, what would be the reaons why you would lean towards this amount over the 2.0mg. 

I appreciate you support and patience. I am starting to better understand where you're coming from and your reasons and and advice. I'm just in such a brain fog, so it takes me some time. I have so many life stressors, which makes all this double challenging. 

[SkyStreamer]

22 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

If you are in poop out this won't help...your body has had enough manipulation. You would be dealing with more WD and new side effects. There is possibility of an adverse drug reaction due to a sensitive CNS. 

 

 @LostInCanada makes sense. I understand your points here. 

 

 

22 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

IDo you take magnesium bisglycinate? It has glycine in it is my understanding. I would not ever recommend dayvigo as it is a hypnotic like the Z drugs 

Please research sleep hygiene on here. Can you take an online CBT course to help with your thinking patterns?

 
I do take magnesium bisglycinate. Maybe I'll try doing 600mg tonight instead of 200mg. I'm also taking Melatonin (25mg last night). I might up this to 35mg tonight. 

I've been doing psychotherapy once every two weeks. Some CBT is part of these sessions. I'm switching to another therapist starting next week, and I'll be doing session once a week. It's some CBT and some IFS parts work. 

I like Clair Weekes a lot, which you recommended. The biggest take away is acceptance of the symptoms and a strong commitment to being courageous and facing your fear and anxiety. These recommendations seem like they could really help me with both my current sleeping problems and my WD extreme symptoms. It seems like Clair Weekes would advise me to accept whatever amount of sleep I'm getting (even if 4 hours), and don't worry about it, and then just keep going through your daily routine without falling into catastrophic thinking. Do you think this is something she might say?
 

[LostInCanada]

4 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

do take magnesium bisglycinate. Maybe I'll try doing 600mg tonight instead of 200mg. I'm also taking Melatonin (25mg last night). I might up this to 35mg tonight. 

Some find it more helpful to take throughout the day. Maybe take just 200 mg with dinner tonight and then your regular 200 mg. Gradually building up is better than overdoing it on your system. I read somewhere about matching your mag intake with calcium. Just don't take them within 2 hours of each other.

Also that is probably way too much melatonin. I only take .25 mg a night. Again more is not always better. It can have a paradoxical effect. I would take 1 mg and see if that is enough. No blue light devices 2 hours before bed. Bath with Epsom salts. Staying relaxed and resting is important even if you are not sleeping. Do you have blackout curtains?

11 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Do you think this is something she might say?

Absolutely. Your body will figure it out. 👍🙏💯

[SkyStreamer]

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

Just to confirm, you would advise staying at 2.3mg, and not going back to 2.0mg (even though it was only 5 days ago that I updosed from 2.0mg to 2.3mg?

Also, just so I can better understand, if you think 2.3mg is the best option, what would be the reaons why you would lean towards this amount over the 2.0mg. 
 

Hi @LostInCanada - Can I double check with you about this?

[LostInCanada]

30 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

Can I double check with you about this?

Sorry, I forgot about that part. The half life is 27-33 hours. Steady state concentration is 7-10 days. So I think you are within a safe scope of going back to 2 mg. 

[SkyStreamer]

3 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

Sorry, I forgot about that part. The half life is 27-33 hours. Steady state concentration is 7-10 days. So I think you are within a safe scope of going back to 2 mg. 

 

Ok - thanks for confirming. I get the feeling that that makes sense. 

Gosh - it is so difficult to not make rash decisions when you feel like your entire mental, emotional and physical world is collapsing around you. 

I still don't know if all of these symptoms are part of my real self and original condition coming to the surface, or if it is some of this with a lot of neuro emotions and WD added on top. My mind seems to default to the assumption that all of these awful emotional challenges is just my original dysfunction. My wife keeps saying that she doesn't really believe in withdrawal symptoms too much. She thinks this is all just an expression of my original and current character flaws and imbalances. I believe she believes this. But, it is so hard hearing it from her when I strongly believe I have been negatively influenced by these ADs and the accompanying WD. 

[LostInCanada]

54 minutes ago, SkyStreamer said:

My wife keeps saying that she doesn't really believe in withdrawal symptoms too much. She thinks this is all just an expression of my original and current character flaws and imbalances.

  Did she watch the link I had sent you from the BBC program? You definitely have a challenge to stay positive and push forward despite lack of support. My husband was always good but once he started doing his own research he really became supportive. 

We know the "imbalance" theory is false. Love yourself, accept yourself and keep moving forward. The strength of everyone on here is amazing including you.

[SkyStreamer]

2 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

  Did she watch the link I had sent you from the BBC program? You definitely have a challenge to stay positive and push forward despite lack of support. My husband was always good but once he started doing his own research he really became supportive. 

We know the "imbalance" theory is false. Love yourself, accept yourself and keep moving forward. The strength of everyone on here is amazing including you.

 

She hasn't watched it yet. I will ask if she'll watch it with me. She's a very go-hard type of person and she usually attributes almost every emotion and behavior to some wrong choice on the part of an individual. One time she told me that all my suffering during withdrawal was on account of my sins. Some of this may be true in terms of suppressed negative emotions (anger, etc), but I believe she's too easily dismissing the neuro-emotions and other chemical symptoms related to neuror-receoptors and serotonin. 

I'm trying to be loving and gentle with myself. That is always a work on progress. During this last wave, a part of myself has been so super condemning, critical and judgmental. It has been a nightmare. But, I'm trying to acknowledge this a part of me, give it its opportunity to speak, but then gently decline and invite its help in being more loving and compassionate to myself. 

Thank you for your support and kind comments. 

[LostInCanada]

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

she usually attributes almost every emotion and behavior to some wrong choice on the part of an individual. One time she told me that all my suffering during withdrawal was on account of my sins.

This simply is not true….war, poverty, abuse…..the list goes on. So many things are out of our hands and shape us.  Do we make mistakes…of course. Is there consequences…sometimes. Does that make someone a bad person…no. Our ability to show mercy, forgiveness, love, kindness, empathy, shows what kind of stuff we are made of.

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

'm trying to be loving and gentle with myself. That is always a work on progress. During this last wave, a part of myself has been so super condemning, critical and judgmental. It has been a nightmare. But, I'm trying to acknowledge this a part of me, give it its opportunity to speak, but then gently decline and invite its help in being more loving and compassionate to myself. 

This is very good. We all need to do this. Forgiveness and acceptance. We can do this.

[SkyStreamer]

My wife just told me that she would leave me if we didn’t have kids. She also told me that she would have left me a long time ago if we did not have kids. I feel extremely depressed. I feel despair. I feel hopeless. I feel angry. I have suicidal thoughts going through my head. I don’t know if I can continue like this. Is it my marriage that is causing me so much distress and depression or is it these pills? I'm beginning to wonder if it is my marriage and our fights and disagreements and problems. I've had too much anxiety, depression, fear, and guilt over this last number of years. Too much anger. It's taking a very bad tone on my marriage. I don’t know if I should go back up to my regular pill dosage, or if I should stay where I am (2mg). I just don't feel like I'm coping very well. I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like God has a abandoned me. I continually self-sabotage my life, myself and my marriage. I feel like I am possessed by a demon. I am trying everything to cope and improve, but nothing seems to help. I feel completely lost, completely in darkness, and completely confused. Please pray for me. I am in a desperate place.

[LostInCanada]

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

I don’t know if I should go back up to my regular pill dosage, or if I should stay where I am (2mg).

You have worked so hard to get here. Don't make a knee jerk decision. It is a possibility that this drug has pooped out and will only cause added issues by going up. You can only be responsible for your own actions at this point. Just be the best husband and father you can be.

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

I feel like God has a abandoned me

This is understandable when feeling stressed. He has given us the gift of the Bible which is full of wisdom and help for our marriages. Draw on this strength.

 

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

I'm beginning to wonder if it is my marriage and our fights and disagreements and problems.

Could you go to couple's counseling? Not to cast blame but to work on solutions and move forward.

 

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

I am in a desperate place.

Never make a permanent decision for a temporary situation. 

1 hour ago, SkyStreamer said:

My wife just told me that she would leave me if we didn’t have kids.

But you do have kids so she is staying. We often say things to hurt our mates in a moment of anger/frustration/stupidity/unhappiness with ourselves. Don't overthink it. Try to concentrate on healing and what you can be grateful for. I know this isn't easy. You are trying to taper one of the hardest drugs to get off of. Be proud of how far you have come. 👍🙏💯