BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[ShiningLight]

Remember, your brain needs good nutrition to make neurotransmitters!!! You may have some nutritional deficiencies that, if addressed by eating good food,, might help you feel a lot better.

 

One thing that really helps me when things get so bad is if I can remember the concept of radical acceptance. That is, I accept that I'm feeling very bad and there may not be much I can do to change it right then. That doesn't mean I don't try to help myself, but it does mean that I stop "fighting" the feeling bad, and accept that I just feel really bad. Somehow then I can kind of soften into my experience, and that helps a lot. Sometimes I mope around in pure misery for awhile, but when I can accept the misery, at least I don't confound it by beating myself up about it.

 

Another thing that really helps me is to just try to accept the fact that "I'm not thinking straight right now." My brain tells me all kinds of alarming things when I'm not thinking straight, but it's ok because I can recognize that I'm not thinking straight; it's just a brain on overdrive, doing what brains on overdrive do. You don't have to listen to the thoughts or take them seriously.

 

I get the burning too. I like to think of it as the fire of transformation.  

 

I hope your symptoms improve soon. As someone else said, time is your friend.

 

Edited July 14, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed white space

[ChessieCat]

Acceptance

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much everyone for your very kind messages and advice,

 

It means such a lot to me.  I have updated my signature as best I can. 

 

Please understand I am not messing around with my doses. I am anorexic because of the anxiety and my psychiatrist made the updose to 10mg of Escitalopram.  He also wanted me off the Lorazepam because of the tolerance I had reached and on to Diazepam with its longer half life.  I rapidly deteriorated when I reached Lorazepam tolerance and this is why they made the decision.  The Diazepam is not helping, it is not stabilising and at least I had function on the Lorazepam.  But I understand I could not keep increasing.  I am just devastated the Escitalopram is either doing nothing, is being outweighed by the Diazepam or I am just too down-regulated.  I didn’t expect a miracle.  I have tried to work myself and use function and behaviours.  

 

I am very vulnerable right now and literally hanging on every day.  Nothing is working. My husband takes me out and we try to walk to get exercise.  

 

I awoke this morning and could hear my daughter laughing and getting ready to go out for the day with another mother.  I’ve hardly seen her in days because of the state I’m in and it’s too distressing and I can’t help crying.  It’s absolutely destroying me, but I am grateful someone is loving and caring for her.  This is so utterly cruel. 

 

My anxiety is already sky high. The depression is like quicksand.  I am writing this here so that I don’t cry at my husband and tell him I can barely face the day.  He wept and wept last night blaming himself and saying he will never forgive himself. 

My mother is out of my life for now.  There has been no contact. 

 

I keep hearing that the exercise and the Escitalopram will take effect, but I feel nothing, just worse than when I crashed.  My mindset is so black.  Everyone must be stronger than me because I can’t find a way to deal with how I feel.  I feel paralysed with terror and despair. 

 

I am so sorry. Please forgive these awful words. Lord help me. 

 

Sending hugs to everyone and blessings. 

 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

20 hours ago, Dejavu said:

I really think this is a bad time for you to taper anything. All these changes in so short a span of time...no good can come from it.

 

I know about the crushing depression - I went through acute while grieving my mother's and sister's very recent deaths. There is no way my crash could have occurred at a worse time. It's so much more than "being sad." Words don't do justice to the utter blackness of despair that closes in around you. But - hear me on this Rachel - it goes away. It is the effect of the meds and it goes away. It takes a while, though, and you did not give it nearly enough time.

 

If you do not hold and stabilize before you taper any further, there's a very good chance you will suffer like this all the way down. That seems so unnecessary to me. But it's up to you.

 

Here are some facts: (1) you are not currently stable, (2) tapering while unstable further destabilizes your system; (3) it takes weeks to months to gain stability; (4) people who stabilize, then slowly taper, suffer fewer symptoms on the way down. So you must take control of your own recovery. You've got decisions to make: What makes sense to you? What is your truth? Whose advice will you heed?

 

At this point at least, your mother will be a hindrance to your recovery. For your own well being, you're going to have to let that relationship lie for a bit. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and only you. You cannot be a good mother, daughter, wife, friend, etc., when you are in this shape. You cannot pour from an empty cup. The best way you can care for your daughter right now is to take care of her mother. 

 

You've tried everything else. Why don't you try sitting still for a bit (it was working).

Hi Rachel

 

I do not think you are rude or disrespectful but I feel I failed you last time and have nothing left to try.

However Dejavu's post is brilliantly worded and really does cover the best way forward.

I suggest you read it very slowly several times and digest.

I have no problem with you contacting me but I have nothing left to offer.

Look after yourself.

 

Sassenach

[Dejavu]

14 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

 Nothing is working

 

On 7/14/2019 at 7:09 AM, Dejavu said:

It takes a while, though, and you did not give it nearly enough time.

 

Edited July 14, 2019 by ChessieCat
requoted so that correct poster is quoted

[Sassenach]

Got cog fog, not sure what you mean.

[BreathofAir]

Dear Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for your message.  You did not fail me at all. How could you think that?  The benzodiazepine tolerance got me. I just ran out of time before I could get off it so now I have crashed again.  It was never about not giving things enough time.  

 

You always had something to offer me. I took strength from your messages and always looked forward to them. I never expected you to write chapter and verse, just even a sunny hello or a hug was enough.

 

I know my posts were/are distressing.  I have just been going through too many destabilising things and needing to say things out loud, but I understand and respect your decision that you’d really rather not be in touch.  I am so deeply sorry for the distress and strain I have caused you.  It is clear by the wording at the end of your message that you’d rather I stay away and I will honour your wish 😊

 

I send you hugs and blessings and sincere gratitude for everything you offered me.  I will miss you, but I know you are surrounded by friends who lift you.  That is good. 

 

Please take care yourself. Sleep well and heal well. 

R xxxxxxxxxxx 🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸

[BreathofAir]

Wishing everyone good sleep and healing and a brave day tomorrow.  Whatever it brings we will do our best. 

 

Bless you all. Sleep tight. 🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁

 

R xxxxxxxx🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

[sunnysideup69]

Hang in there, Breathofair.

Thanks for all your supportive messages to me over the last month..

 

Remember, it's only 3 months since you crashed. There have been a lot of med changes in that time.(That's not a criticism, just an observation.) Your nervous system is playing catch up. Three months is really not a very long time, though it probably feels like an eternity right now.

You're going to be okay. More time needs to pass.Time is going to sort you out. You are going to heal yourself, by keeping moving, however gentle that needs to be. Brains are amazing. 

 

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much Ruth, 

 

I have sent you a messenger. 

 

Xxxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Last night I went to bed very upset.  Because I’m struggling with agoraphobia and seeing many people right now a friend texted me and said they needed to move on with their life and has cut contact with me.  My mother has gone and my sister is keeping her distance.  Mental illness, particularly during very bad times is like Leprosy.  I understand very well how and why some people can stand by you and some people can’t, it just seems to have added up lately those who have gone. 

 

Today I managed to take my daughter to school and then go to a short concert where she sang this afternoon.  

 

If the triumph of doing this could obliterate the constant debilitating anxiety and depression I would be over the moon.  But I know of course that’s not the way this works. 

 

But I did it. Somehow some much-needed rubber suckers appeared on my hands and feet and I clawed up this vertical hell slide, even for just blips of time.  

 

Sending everyone one hugs and blessings that you get your rubber suckers too. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

R xxxxxxxxxxx

[Onmyway]

Rachel, that sounds like a win for today. I know it's not easy but you clawed out just for a bit out of the hole. Enjoy it! 

As for the friend, it is what it is. We have no power over others and sometimes their actions are not about us or because of us. Maybe said friend is battling own issues related or not to mental health and they need to be away. Hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day. Keep training those claws!!!

 

Hugs

 

[BreathofAir]

😊😊😊😊😊 Thank you so much again, Onmyway, 

 

You are right about others and although I’m sad, I respect it.  

 

Please let me know how you have been doing.  I think we have some similar feelings, but you seem much more functional than I am. I think your mental attitude is so much stronger.  They need to develop fear irrigation clinics - never mind colons!!   It’s immensely frustrating that we can receive so much third-party help with other parts of our bodies in this day and age, but the brain remains under its own super-tight control, like a safe that we can’t fully crack. 

 

I used to read a lot about clinical trials and wonder at the bravery or desperation or even naivety of those who put themselves forward.  Now I see no question that I would be running for the nearest one! 

 

Yes, tomorrow is another day. Let’s be brave and conquer something. We can do it. 

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts. 

Night. Sleep tight. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

[Onmyway]

Hi Rachel, 

we do have lots of similar symptoms - esp anxiety and depression and some family difficult people. I think what helped for me was holding for 2.5 months now. I was lucky I reinstated within a month and the reinstatement took away the worst part of the restlessness and anxiety. I then kept on reducing for a few more months - 20% first, then 10% and then 12% so that made things quite bad. Finally listened to  the mods here and stopped cutting. For me the nausea was very difficult, it was relentless for a couple of months, all day long. Luckily it went away and I am hoping it won't come back though I suspect that when I cut again it might come back. At the most difficult times I decided my biggest achievement for the day would be to survive. I think it almost became a challenge at some point how much I could endure. Once I had my first window, though I have been in waves after that, I also gained some hope. 

 

My challenge now is that after the window I start berating myself. I take internal criticism to new levels of self-loathing and self-flaggelation. I would probably win the Olympics of that, if there were such a sport. The intensity of the feelings is what is hardest for me - the anxiety, depression, rumination, obssession. And the urgency with which they come. 

 

After being here, I also realize how lucky I am I was not put into the drug merry-go-round of psych drugs that so many have endured.  I was put on a multitude of drugs in the beginning - citalopram, wellbutrin, trazodone and have no memory as to why I only remained on citalopram but I am grateful that I stayed on that only. I don't think it did much for me except make me indifferent to lots of issues I should have dealt with and made me believe that I needed an SSRI because of an imbalance. Meaning I still had mild anxiety on it, occasional bouts of OCD and some mild depression - all precipitated by an especially traumatic childhood and these were no different from when I had been off the drugs. But events conspired and I made a decision to stay on them for this long. Anyway, long story short, even though I am unlucky and angry that I was put on the drugs to begin with, I am also lucky that I was not multidrugged. My college roommate who started ADs at the same time as me went through the merry-go-round. ADs activated her, then her "hidden" bipolar was uncovered, then sleep drugs were added, then antipsychotics. She was non functional for years and only barely got her BA. You can even now see her sudden movements from the antipsychotics.

 

I know you too will see some windows soon. I don't dare give advice as things that work for one may not work for others and I don't want you to feel pressured to do something that I suggest but I wonder if not thinking about where this will lead tomorrow or whether you will ever get out of this, you could focus on just getting through this now. I know neuro-emotions don't listen to reasoning but maybe if you practice it, it might help? And holding... I know you didn't change drugs because you wanted to or were impatient but because they weren't working well. So no blame there. But if you can hold, I think things will get better. They may not be normal for quite some time. I am maybe at 50-60% myself which is way better than where I was before. But progress is what is important. The one thing I want you to know is that you have within you the ability to get through this. You have the stamina. I don't doubt that. Now watch your body and your brain get there. 

 

Hope you sleep well and keep updating. Hoping for a breath of summer air through your window tomorrow. 

Hugs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Hoping everyone is well. XXXXX

 

Walked this morning, but am ashamed to say went back to bed. The depression and anxiety and agoraphobia are crushing.  I am struggling with fear now to leave my bedroom today.

 

The severe swings of being able to cope for a little while then running away from small things like being in another room - what is causing this?   It is depression, phobia, a severe anxiety spike?  Does anyone else feel like this? 

 

Thank you for any help.  Bless you all xxxxxxxx🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

 

 

 

 

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

I think it’s the nature of the wd beast. Our moods can be very variable in wd. Wishing you calm and healing,

 

‘’warmest wishes 

 

Rich

 

Edited July 16, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[sunnysideup69]

I got quite scared of sitting on the sofa in the living room, in May. Another trick of a recovering nervous system. Claire Weeks talks about the tricks that a tired mind plays....she's so right.

[Mewr]

A few weeks ago, I was to scared to go into my basement!  I just could go down the stairs and face the basement.  The anxiety was so strong.  Has subsided a bit.  Yours will, too.  Miss you.  XxMaria

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Maria for being in constant touch.  🌼🌼🌼

 

I am so sorry I am not doing well.  I was trying to do everything as best I could, but I know things are now very complicated because of the benzodiazepine tolerance and the fact the Escitalopram is being outweighed by the anxiety and depression.  My anxious mind is telling me that both the Escitalopram and the Diazepam are actually making my anxiety and depression worse.  

 

How are you feeling yourself? I really hope things are levelling out and you are not having to keep going on new medication.  Are you finding the 10mg Lexapro beneficial? 

 

I think of you very much and how strong you have had to be over the years.  I am back at the hospital tomorrow to see a different psychiatrist.  I just wish he could fill my head full of cooling foam to snuff out the relentless agitation. 

 

Am sending you hugs and blessings my friend. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Miss you too. Sleep well and heal well.

Rachel xxxxxxxxxxx

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

[RichT]

Hi Rachel, how are you doing today?

 

R

[RichT]

Keep posting Rachel, people here want to know how you’re doing!

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[sunnysideup69]

Hey all, had a messenger request from.Rachel, she's having a bit of time out from the forum. Just taking a bit of space 😊 She isn't gone for good, just needs a breather xxx

[Dejavu]

Rachel, I'm thinking of you and wondering how you are. Please check in when you feel that you can. We care.