Zofia: Introduction (Nexpram, Depakine Chrono, Lamotrix)

[Zofia]

Hi, my name is Zofia. I’ve recently found this forum and signed up but before I wrote my introduction I read a few entries – and collapsed. I was temporarily overwhelmed by the similarities...

 

Anyway, here’s my story – it’s a long one, sorry:

 

I suffered from depression and phobias since early childhood (first visit to psychologist at the age of 4). All my childhood I was terrified of thunderstorm and strong wind - serious problems, would spend hours at a time hiding in the bathroom (no windows). In later life suffered from depression, had 3 (very mild) suicide attempts during my 20’s. Meanwhile, my phobias kept developing up to the point where I was no longer able to function in everyday life. Tried 3 psychologists, couldn’t connect with 2 of them, and the 3rd told me (after 6 months of CBT) that my problems are too serious and they can’t help me. I’ve always been terrified about going to a psychiatrist – I was sure they’ll have me sectioned as soon as look at me. But I was getting worse and worse, my life (and my partner’s) was becoming a nightmare. So, eventually, in 2015 I went to a psychiatrist (recommended as a very good one). After about 5 minutes of talking he told me I was depressed and gave me Nexpram 10 mg (you know it as Lexapro). I started with ¼ of a tablet, gradually increased to a full one. After about 2 months – revelation! Phobias disappeared almost overnight, I had lots of confidence and energy… called them my ‘happy tablets’. Started doing things I never had courage to do, set up a foundation; I had so much confidence, wasn’t scared of anything or anybody. I felt so happy!

 

Gradually, though, my partner started hinting at the changes in my personality and behaviour. He kept saying that I’m not the person he used to know, that I became hard and distant without a trace of my former empathy’ that my work with the foundation (animal charity) is getting out of control, that I took to much on myself, that I’m not doing things right. And I, who used to adore him – completely failed to see his suffering (things have truly got out of control, at one time I had 42 animals under my care, at home and on the farm). Suddenly he was a horrible, mean, old man trying to stop me being happy and doing what I love. I felt I was right, everything I was doing was right, nobody could stop me because I was right… His pain and ensuing nervous breakdown completely failed to register with me. Throughout those years I kept going to the same psychiatrist, he was very happy with my ‘good’ results; never once did he ask how my partner sees the new me.

 

To cut a long story short – things have gone from bad to worse, our relationship collapsed (along with his mental health ). We lived like enemies in the same house, hardly speaking; of course no sex life. He started looking for a new partner – sometimes I was completely cool with it, couldn’t wait to be free; at other times it was killing me with pain because I felt that I loved him so… I kept getting more and more unhappy, couldn’t sleep, got very fragile mentally, would break down for any reason. Quite suddenly it occurred to me what I’ve been doing to my partner during those 3,5 years; I didn’t know what happened, it was like a bad dream. We got to the stage where he asked me to move out (as we live in ‘my’ country and he’s a foreigner it was easier for me). Just before I moved out (to live at my sister’s empty house) I went to the same psychiatrist, told him what happened, explained how my life suddenly became a mess of too many obligations, too many responsibilities, too much pain. The psychiatrist calmly said that I’m probably bi-polar as giving Nexpram to people with this condition very often sends them into mania… gave ma a leaflet and prescribed Depakine Chrono to take alongside Nexpram.

 

So here I was, alone after 18 years in a relationship, living from a suitcase at somebody else’s house, diagnosed with bi-polar, with a new drug that was literally turning me into a zombie (would sleep for hours, would feel sleepy all day, couldn’t think clearly). The situation was not improved by the fact that I kept seeing my partner daily (we work together). Somehow, not living together made me see things from his perspective – I realized that I made his life hell for the last 3,5 years; all I could thing about was the pain I caused, the relationship I wrecked, the love I lost…

After 3 months I had to move out from my sister’s house, went to live at my mother. I kept getting more and more unhappy. At that time we got talking a bit more again with my partner – slowly he realized that I’m not happy, that I’m not the hard, invincible, heartless b**** I was for a long time… and he asked me to come back! Said he still cared about me, that he was not happy. So I went back home (witch was a total mess).

We’ve been trying to patch the relationship up – but without much success I feel guilty, constantly guilty about the way I treated him, about the pain I caused, about the mess I made of our lives. I went to a new psychiatrist, told her my story – she said I’m probably not bipolar, told me Nexpram is too weak, told me to lower the dose by half, stop Depakine and start taking Lamotrix (first 50, then 75 mg daily, then redused to 50 mg againa due to horrible and constant headaches). I did it and there was an improvement – I felt more alive, more ‘with it’.

However, throughout those years I not only put on weight but my physical health went to pieces; I was constantly ill, fatigued, had colds, etc.

One day I thought: ‘I’ve had enough, I’d rather be depressed than feel physically **** all the time, while not having any more ‘benefit’s mentally. I started reading about antidepressants and was terrified. Told my doctor I’m going to stop taking drugs and asked how best to do it. She just said that I should stop Nexpram straight away, and reduce Lamotric by 25% over the course of 2 months and that’s it. I followed this, currently I’m on 25 mg Lamotrix in the evenings (have 3 more weeks to go). But… I’m feeling more and more depressed; obsessive thoughts are coming back; started having panic attacks; recurring suicidal thoughts; have dizziness, fatigue, problems with appetite (withdrawal symptoms?). When first stopped taking Nexpram (today is 38 days from the last dose) and started reducing Lamotrix I was insanely irritable with everybody and everything. I’m trying to hide it from my partner as it pushes him into a downer and creates panic attacks (the legacy of the immense mental stress he suffered throughout my years with phobias and the on antidepressants).

 

I care about my partner, I’d love to be able to rebuild the relationship but what are the chances? With me feeling guilty, being depressed and with the mental **** coming back. I know the best thing would be for me to go and move somewhere far away and fight my demons there. Due to some particular circumstances of our being together, that’s not an easy option. I became resigned to the fact that our relationships is not salvageable and we must live friends in the same house. However, I don’t want my partner to suffer any more because of my mental chaos. I need to get myself stable so our life can be stable and calm, it will hopefully help him get his life back to normal. And now the vital question: should I stop Lamotrix after the remaining 3 weeks and fight on ‘drug free’? Should I go back on a larger dose again? Or should I go completely cold turkey and hope for the best?

 

To all those who got to the end of this horribly long tirade and still wish to give advice – a great big thank you!

I will be grateful for any advice, I want to get myself stable for my partner’s sake, I owe it to him.

 

 

My meds:

August 2015 – Feb 2019:

Nexpram 1 mg a day (starting from ¼ tablet, working up to a full one over 2 months)

 

Feb 2019 – July 2019:

Nexpram 10 mg a day + Depakine Chrono 500 mg, 3 tablets a day

 

July 2019 – November 2019:

Nexpram 10 mg a day + Lamotrix, 2 tablets a day (25 mg in the morn, 50 in the evening)

November 2019 – present

Lamotrix, 2 tablets a day (25 mg in the morn, 50 in the evening; then reduced to 25 morn and evening, now on 25 mg just even. Due to finish ‘tapering’ on Feb 13th)

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Zofia.

 

Was your full tablet of escilatopram 20mg or 10mg? It sounds like "a full tablet" was too strong for you, it made you a bit hypomanic.

 

What times of day do you take lamotrigine? When did you last reduce it? For now, please stop changing your lamotrigine dosing.

 

It's a little confusing, since it appears you quit escilatopram and started tapering lamotrigine at the same time. Your withdrawal symptoms could be from either.

 

Did you have these symptoms -- "feeling more and more depressed; obsessive thoughts are coming back; started having panic attacks; recurring suicidal thoughts; have dizziness, fatigue, problems with appetite (withdrawal symptoms?)" --  before you started reducing lamotrigine? When did you make your first reduction in lamotrigine?

 

How did you feel when you went off escilatopram and were still taking 25mg lamotrigine in the morning, 50mg in the evening? How long were you taking only 75mg lamotrigine per day?

[Zofia]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Was your full tablet of escilatopram 20mg or 10mg? It sounds like "a full tablet" was too strong for you, it made you a bit hypomanic.

 

It was 10mg.

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What times of day do you take lamotrigine? When did you last reduce it? For now, please stop changing your lamotrigine dosing.

 

Initially I took 25 mg in the morning and 50 mg in the evening. My psychiatrist then told me to reduce the evening dose to 25 mg, due to terrible and frequent headaches - as soon as I reduced the headaches disappeared. My last reduction was on January 11th; however I've been getting worse and worse, yesterday was a nightmare, obsessive thought about imminent death  were almost non-stop, didn't sleep at all the night before last - so this morning I took 1/4 of a 50mg tablet and felt much better all day.

 

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It's a little confusing, since it appears you quit escilatopram and started tapering lamotrigine at the same time. Your withdrawal symptoms could be from either.

 

Yes, I quit Escilatopram and started tapering Lamotrigine at the same time - exactly as advised by my psychiatrist when I told her I want to stop taking meds for good.

 

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Did you have these symptoms -- "feeling more and more depressed; obsessive thoughts are coming back; started having panic attacks; recurring suicidal thoughts; have dizziness, fatigue, problems with appetite (withdrawal symptoms?)" --  before you started reducing lamotrigine? When did you make your first reduction in lamotrigine

All the problems appeared when I reduced lamotrigine from 50mg  a day ( 25mg morning and 25 evening) to 25mg a day (in the evening) - again, as advised by my doctor. First reduction was on Dec 10th 2019 (from 75mg to 50 mg: 25 in the morn and 25 in the even)- on the same day as I was told to stop taking Escilatopram; next reduction was on Jan 11th 2020 (from 50mg to 25 mg a day, only in the evenings).

 

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

How did you feel when you went off escilatopram and were still taking 25mg lamotrigine in the morning, 50mg in the evening? How long were you taking only 75mg lamotrigine per day?

I reduced Lamotrigine to 25 mg morning and 25 in the evening on the same day as quitting Escilatopram. Felt no too bad, at least when it came to obsessive thoughts and depression; physical symptoms (dizzines) and extreme irritability were worse. I was taking 75mg for about 5-6 weeks, don't remember exactly.

 

 

 

 

 

[Zofia]

23 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Was your full tablet of escilatopram 20mg or 10mg? It sounds like "a full tablet" was too strong for you, it made you a bit hypomanic.

 

Funny you should say that... when I went to my second doctor (the one who told me to stop Escilatopram and start Lamotrigine) she said that the dose of Escilatopram was obviously too weak for me...

[Altostrata]

When people have odd effects from an antidepressant, very often doctors increase the dosage.

 

Since you made so many drug changes simultaneously, we can't tell what caused your present symptom pattern. It may be you can work with divided doses of the lamotrigine to alleviate your symptoms, see

 

Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day. You can post 24 hours of notes at a time in this topic, in a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom or drug and dosage) on the right.

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

[Zofia]

Thank you Altostrata, for the link to Jmizz's story, it's quite instructive.

I have done the signature with my meds, hope it's correct.

 

[Jmizz]

How are you @Zofia?

[Zofia]

I had new antidepressants prescribed, need advice on Zoloft (daily) and Xanax (in an emergency), what to look out for?

 

I know this forum is for people who are coming off these meds and I hope one day I'll be able to do it again. For now, however, I'd be extremely grateful for any advice / warnings / suggestions on the drugs I've been prescribed:

Zoloft 50 mg - to take 1 tablet in the mornings

Xanax 0,5 mg - to take in case of emergency (panic attack, phobia attack during thunderstorm, etc.)

 

I came off SSRI's in February 2020, after 4 years of hell. They have destroyed my long-term relationship, caused me to do things I would never heave dreamed of doing before and generally wrecked my physical help. After I tapered off (over the course of few weeks) I was OK for about a year, even with the pandemic, changes at work, relationship not improving, etc. Unfortunately, over the last few weeks things have gone downhill very fast - my relationship has collapsed completely, and all I want is to move on (and to another country). However, I'm unable to move until my ex partner is ready as he needs to organise his move back to his native country. As he also suffers from PTSD, social phobia and various psychological problems (but does not want any treatment) it is not easy; neither is taking care of him, which is what I have to do right now. My psychological health has suffered badly, depression increasing fast, former phobias are back (especially the fear of thunderstorms, to the point I hate hot and sunny weather as it will eventually lead to thunderstorms when the weather breaks), panic attacks during thunderstorms, increasing anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, feelings of being trapped... I could go on and on. It's rapidly going worse and with the increasing urge to kill myself I have decided I have to get back on those cursed antidepressants again 

 

I haven't started taking any yet (only bought them today), I'd be grateful to hear from anyone who has experience with Zoloft and / or Xanax. Thank you.

 

PS To make matters more complicated, I've recently found out that I'm an HSP (with HSS) which doesn't help with dealing with things like thunderstorms. It also makes it more difficult to calm down my nervous systems once it's 'roused' as is the case now. So any advice on possible side effects etc. of these drugs will be hugely appreciated. Thanks.

 

 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Shep
added title of thread after moving the post

[Shep]

@ZofiaI moved your post to your original introduction thread.

 

Please don't start any more introduction threads. 

 

12 hours ago, Zofia said:

I know this forum is for people who are coming off these meds and I hope one day I'll be able to do it again. For now, however, I'd be extremely grateful for any advice / warnings / suggestions on the drugs I've been prescribed:

 

Yes, you are correct. We are a forum for people who want to taper off their drugs. We are not medical doctors and, therefore, can't help you set up a new drug cocktail. You'll need to work with your doctor.

 

If you feel you need continued drug treatment, your needs may be better met on forums such as depressionforums.org  or patientslikeme.com.

 

[Zofia]

1 hour ago, Shep said:

@ZofiaI moved your post to your original introduction thread.

 

Please don't start any more introduction threads. 

 

 

Yes, you are correct. We are a forum for people who want to taper off their drugs. We are not medical doctors and, therefore, can't help you set up a new drug cocktail. You'll need to work with your doctor.

 

If you feel you need continued drug treatment, your needs may be better met on forums such as depressionforums.org  or patientslikeme.com.

 

@Shep Thank you for suggesting the forums and moving my post to the the original thread, I've tried to do it but forgot how as I haven't been here for a long time.