jordan499: Hi all - Lexapro withdrawal sufferer here

[jordan499]

Hi everyone! I am so glad to have come across this site. I really am not doing well right now. 

 

I have a weird journey. Before my meds, I was anxious and an overthinker. Nothing insane. I had very high-functioning anxiety, which I could easily manage. I told my doctor that I had high-functioning anxiety, where I was an overthinker, doubtful about myself, and sometimes imagined worst case scenarios. It mostly did not detriment my life. He prescribed me Lexapro. I thought by taking it, it would have made all of this go away. So I did. I was anxious, depressed, and slightly suicidal getting on the meds. But, it all levelled out (minus the fact that upping to 10mg made this worse, but I went back to 5mg and it went away quickly). But I was a zombie. I had no emotions. No excitement in life. So, I wanted to get off the meds. I went down to 2.5mg for a week without being well versed with withdrawal. I almost collapsed in a Sweetgreen, and was highly anxious for the next week. Not to mention I had a nasty flu and dizziness. This is when I found out about withdrawal and it scared me straight. I wanted off these meds and to never take them again. So I called my doctor. I am a college student, and I was planning on tapering off and returning to school January 16th. I took my 5mg dose until I was done finals and went home. Then I started to taper.

 

My doctor gave me a tapering schedule to take 5mg every other day for a week and then every third day for another week. I decided to go slower than this because of my reaction. But, my slow wasn't even slow enough. I wish that I knew about this site before I went off. I went to 4mg 10 days, 2.5mg 10 days, then 1.25mg for 10 days, then fully off. 

 

I was okay for the first few days being off, then I got hit like a truck on January 2nd. I developed harm OCD, which i never had before, and I experienced extreme guilt, fear, and anguish about my intrusive thoughts. I had derealization, suicidal ideation, and an extreme fear that I will lose control of myself and do something violent, illegal, and awful. It got slightly better through the week, and I was able to hang out with friends on January 8th. Then another little dip. Got slightly better, then another wave on January 14th. I was anxious, depressed, and my intrusive thoughts were insane. I did not return to school on the 16th and decided to postpone to the 21st. It got better again, day by day, until I could say I was around 90% healed. I felt like I was out of this spiral and I was finally free. My only symptom then was slightly higher anxiety, and the odd harm OCD thought that I could dismiss. I did not return to school the 21st because I thought that an extra week and I would be at 100%. I was so wrong. 

 

I first started feeling more anxious at night on the 23rd. I found that I was good during the days, still around 90% then at around 10pm I was paralyzed in bed because I was so anxious and I couldn't breathe. I went to bed and I woke up at 90%. Then,  last night hit and I was a total mess. I cried and cried and cried. Felt so suicidal (but deep down I know that I would NEVER DO IT, but the thoughts still come back). The harm OCD intrusive thoughts are still there, but strangely less than they were before, so still a symptom but not my main one. I went to bed thinking I would wake up and be back to 90% today, but I am not.

 

Today has been my one of my worst days of withdrawal, 4 and 1/2 weeks out. Every website I read said that this should have only lasted 3 weeks and have gotten better. My parents don't understand and are pushing me to go back to school on the 30th. I told them I was feeling this way and they think that by pushing me to go to school, thinking by me going things will be better. If you asked me when I was feeling 90%, I would be on a plane to school. I love it there and I love my friends. However, today I cannot even fathom going to school. I am a depressed, anxious, suicidal, OCD mess. I just want this to all be over and to be normal again. I would do anything to be where I was pre-medication. I was not even that bad pre-medication. I don't even think I needed these meds. I am a 20 year old college student who is supposed to be living her life out happily, but I am so hopeless. I almost checked myself into a psych ward today. I just wish I never took these meds. I want to be normal.

 

Thank you for reading, may you be well. 

 

Jordan

[jordan499]

Withdrawal is weird. I wrote this last night, feeling at 10%, and I write this now, feeling at around 50% to 60%. I just want this to be over and normal, its so frustrating. I want to live my college years. 

[Onmyway]

Dear @jordan499, 

welcome to Surviving Antidepressants. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with withdrawal from lexapro. You have come to the right place to look for support and I hope we can help you get back to normal soon. 

 

Thank you for filling in your drug signature. 

 

What you are feeling is the windows and waves pattern as you note. You have likely seen the links already but I post them anyway for quick reference. These links will explain what is happening to you and what to expect as you heal. 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

What is happening in your brain? - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

Are We There Yet? How Long Is Withdrawal Going To Take? - Tapering - Surviving Antidepressants

 

The tapering that you have done was too fast for your body to adapt and as a result your nervous system has been thrown into chaos. Kudos for ignoring the advice on skipping doses - it is the worst possible thing you could have done but unfortunately lots of doctors give such advice. SA recommends tapering to be no faster than 10% from your previous dose every 4 weeks and the articles below show the reason why. 

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage? - Tapering - Surviving Antidepressants

Why taper? SERT transporter occupancy studies show importance of gradual change in plasma concentration - Tapering - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Knowing this, you may wish to reinstate a small dose of lexapro and then taper more slowly. Since you have been off the drug only a month or so, it is likely that reinstatement will work. It doesn't always, however. Sometimes, it can worsen symptoms. For that reason we want to start by a very small dose - perhaps 0.5mg for you. If your symptoms get better but they are not quite where you want to be, we can increase a bit. If your symptoms get worse, we can quickly stop. Here is more information on reinstatement. 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Have a look and let us know what you want to do. If you decide to do that, you need to be precise in your measurements - lexapro comes in a liquid so you can ask your doctor to prescribe that and you will measure 0.5mg from there.

 

One thing you know is that withdrawal symptoms get better but we don't know how long it might take. In the meantime, I will post some links to coping skills. You can find more in the Symptoms and Self-Care section.

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

I am not surprised to hear about OCD-like symptoms - they are quite common in withdrawal and very unpleasant. These are not a new 'disorder' however, they will get better. We call them neuro-emotions. They are caused by the chaos created in your nervous system. 

Neuro-emotions - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

We have discovered through experience that in withdrawal any psychoactive substance (including herbs/nootropics/supplements/some vitamins) can set people back. So we recommend you don't take any street drugs, alcohol, weed, nicotine, sleep medicines. 

We recommend, however, magnesium and omega-3 as they seem to have a calming effect. You may also use melatonin for sleep but start with very small doses. 

 

I want to reassure you that this will get better, we just don't know when - it might be weeks, months. In the meantime, you can have a look at the success stories.  It is important to be as gentle with your nervous system as you can. You might wish to take a leave of absence from school for the term to allow recovery as the symptoms can be harsh. But if you are managing your symptoms the distraction may help you with it. It is really hard to advise on that. You might wish to have your parents read up on the site to know the extent of suffering these drugs can cause in some people. They can also see the variation in the length of time it takes to recover and our inability to predict any approximate duration. We have an inherent trust in doctors but psychiatry has let lots of people down over the years. If it helps, the UK College of Psychiatrist (similar to the APA in the US) has finally acknowledged that withdrawal symptoms can be debilitating and last much longer than originally acknowledged. 

Stopping antidepressants | Royal College of Psychiatrists (rcpsych.ac.uk)

 

Success stories: Recovery from psychiatric drug withdrawal - Surviving Antidepressants 

 

Please remember to tag me  in your posts so I don't miss them. @Onmyway

 

I am very glad you have found us and looking forward to helping you heal, 

OMW

Edited January 31, 2022 by Onmyway

[jordan499]

Dear @Onmyway,

Thank you SO much for your kind, helpful post! People like you are amazing!

 

I find the resources on this website to be incredible. Such a great place to connect everyone impacted by these horrible drugs and to come together to make it through these tough times. 

 

It seems like ages ago I wrote this even though it was only three days ago haha. I was at a serious low, but strangely I feel back to 80%, and this 80% seems to feel better than my 90% last week? I don't know if that makes sense lol. I think it is because of my low on Friday that I feel better and this website has allowed me to feel more equipped to deal with the waves. Insane how withdrawal works. I cannot even try to rationalize what is going on in my head. 

 

Thank you on your advice for reinstating, I will keep that in mind if things get to a degree that I cannot handle the symptoms (which i hope doesnt happen!) However, these meds give me extreme anxiety, so even being around the pill bottle is a trigger for me. I just want to forget about them and never put them in my body again lol. I would rather deal with the symptoms and get through it rather than take this poison again. 

 

So great to hear that these neuero-emotions get better. They have gotten better for me thoughout this process, they are still there, but in times of windows they are WAY more manageable. Waves, they are crazy LOL. I just remind myself that this is the withdrawal and not my real thoughts and it makes me feel a little better. I can't wait until I am free of these crazy thoughts. It is INSANE how withdrawal exploits your biggest fears. I am the most anti-violence person-- I cannot watch any crime shows, fights in movies (I had to leave the Hunger Games because I couldn't take it lol) and the sight of blood or gore makes me very squeamish. It is almost cruel the way these drugs impact you and your fears. I had some obsessive thoughts as a kid, I was scared of getting sick at school in Grade 3 because my friend came to school with a scary rash and we were told that if you wash your hands, you will be fine. Of course anxious 7 year old me washed my hands every time I got the chance I had because I was afraid of the germs on my hand lol. In Grade 7 I was afraid of future addictions, as I was addicted to a computer game when I was younger and I was scared of my addictive personality. However after Grade 7, I seemed to grow out of these obsessive thoughts and I haven't had any until now, where I am a junior in college! I guess OCD/obsessive thoughts is a symptom for me when my nervous system is developing or unstable. It's actually cool to know that about myself. 

 

I am a partier. I love to drink alcohol and dance with my friends. I am a huge advocate for weed. I love the two(but im not addicted, like Grade 7 me would have thought so haha!). Sometimes I do both at once lol. However in the tapering process I have given up my love of these substances for my mental health and have been off of them for two months. I can't wait when I'm stable again to try them out again-- at small doses at first of course. I wouldn't want to set back any progress making a stupid mistake. I am going to try them when I feel ready to do so, and I personally think I know when I will be ready and comfortable to introduce it back. Waiting for the day! 

 

I have made the personal decision to go back to school tomorrow. My dad is coming with me and staying with me for the first week of it in case something happens, but I have hope that nothing will. I actually feel excited to come back to school and get back in a normal routine and see my friends. I have a great support system there. I also am moving to a building where I will be closer to two of my best friends! I hope it will be a distraction and I won't have another awful wave. However, if I do have a wave, I am way more prepared for it and know that the waves for me usually only last a day and a half. I am anxious about my intrusive thoughts at school but I know that I am strong and can get past those.

 

One of my good friends connected me with her mother who is a doctor and has seen how antidepressant withdrawal can affect people. She is such a nice lady. She told me that I have an "edge" to get through this faster than others because I have a young, active mind and that I was on a lower dose of Lexapro and only on it for 6 months. She also told me that the fact that I am already having windows only 5 weeks out, and have only really had a handful of overwhelming days that it is a great sign because people don't usually see their first window for months. It has made me feel a lot better and to know that I can get through this! 

 

Sorry for the rant lol. I just need to word vomit what I am feeling, as I feel this is a fantastic place that will listen to me and my problems HAHA. Thank you again, @Onmyway for your kind words. I will be sure to stay updated on this thread! Hoping that in a few weeks, or maybe a few months, that I am on here writing my success story. Looking forward to your response:)

 

Jordan ❤️

[Onmyway]

@jordan499

Great news Jordan! 
Stay well! 
OMW

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're feeling better, @jordan499 Please be aware that after people experience the neurobiological shock of withdrawal, they often find that drinking any alcohol at all makes them feel terrible. You may wish to avoid alcohol for many months. Good luck.