Kian's Introduction

[Kian]

Hi, my name is Kian.

 

I am currently taking 1.5mg of Klonopin per day and 15mg of Remeron @ night every night. My current adverse symptoms are insomnia, severe panic and anxiety, PTSD type sxs, severe depression, nervousness, tenseness, hopelessness, unable to get "stable", emotional distress and constant feelings of despair and panic. I think I might also have akathisia, too. I'm not sure if I have epilepsy, too, but about 5 months ago was when I had my last "seizure activity" and severe panic that lead me back into the ER. I have many other symptoms mentally, mostly..I get ticks, twitches, occasional muscle spasms and my memory is shot, especially short term. Long term is not bad at all. I'm suffering severely and for such a long time and am seeking to stabilize and be able to do micro tapers off the drugs I am on now. I need help and support.

 

Back in 1991, I was prescribed clonazepam by an endocrinologist after a long course of flouroquinolone (6 weeks) anti-biotics really messed me up to the point where I lost lots of weight when I was thin to begin with. I had early childhood (from age 9 to adult) drug and alcohol abuse that lead up to my losing weight and becoming very ill and unhealthy. When I was prescribed klonopin 21 years ago, I was 22 years old and was 6' 1/2" tall and weighed only 116lbs. My early childhood lifestyle of partying with drugs and alcohol had caught up to me. I recall the visit with this endocrinologist when I was very sick, depressed, and desperate for some sort of help with my "illness" which I really believe was due to my history in addition to the LONG COARSE of CIPPRO antibiotics which I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" with regards to my CNS and over all health and well being.

 

I had no clue what a benzo was. I just kept drinking and taking the clonazepam. I never did the research and my endo never warned me of the dangers of benzos. I never even realized it was a dangerous and highly addictive tranquilizer. She diagnosed me with CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and "panic attacks" which, to this day, I'm not sure exactly what they are...but they are "physical" in nature but originate in my brain and CNS and I do not believe they are related to natural anxiety or childhood issues. I believe that smoking pot and drugs and drinking at a VERY EARLY age are what started these "attacks"....as the first one I got I was high on pot. I was 18 years old.

 

Anyway, 2 years after I started taking klonopin, the "panic attacks" came back, and more intense and more frequent than ever. Constantly, throughout the day, every day, so I went and had a EEG sleep test done, and was told it was positive for abnormal electrical activity in a specific part of my brain..back in the upper right top back portion of my skull where the hair parts...is where they told me the activity was. I was diagnosed at that time with "focal partial seizures" and my neurologist put me on Dilantin and never told me to stop taking the klonopin. All my docs told me to stay on it because it is supposed to help with seizures, too.....I never did the research , nor understood the dangers of benzos and that they are only meant for short term use only. I learned this one the hard way 18 years later after losing all (wife, dogs, apartment,cars, phone, bankruptcy, etc..and so on..and my job cause I broke down and was unable to work) so I've been divorced, living with my parents for nearly 3 years now. I was suicidal when my family left me and tried to tell my wife I thought my meds were a huge part of my problem. That was not a valid excuse and I thought I was going insane, not knowing that I was, indeed suffering the long term adverse effects of benzos and Dilantin, along with occasionally medicating the pain with alcohol. It should have killed me.

 

Since losing all and moving in with my parents at the age of 40, I was suicidal from losing everything and quitting alcohol and was also researching the internet for a way to commit suicide when I can across someone on youtube suffering from "benzo withdrawals". This person was making videos and crying in despair. It really touched me as I was suicidal. That was the defining moment when I realized I was not the only person on the planet suffering and realized that the long term med use is why I was suffering so severely. Ever since then, I've been researching meds and benzos and when I found out I wasn't crazy and that it was the adverse effects of the meds that were my main problem in being in pain and unable to stabilize, I tried to reach out to others on the internet and let them know, too , and talk to others going through the same kind of suffering. I was really suffering badly. I went 5 weeks with NO SLEEP. No one believes me, but it's true. I was in total shock of having gone through such tragic loss and then discovering that I lost everything of value to me in life as a result of being ignorant and getting on benzos, instead of realizing what my health problems were in the beginning before I started benzos. After that, I was enraged and tried several CT's (cold turkeys) off the benzo and was unable to succeed. Then I finally came across the benzo forums and learned more about what I was going through. In the midst of all this crisis, I did an 8 month milk titration off of 2mg's of klonopin and then had to reinstate at 7 months out due to severe PAWS and akathisia and God knows what else. I was vomiting and could not sleep hardly at all for like two months and was also trying to get off Dilantin at the same time and so I had to reinstate the klonopin after 15 months of tapering and sheer agony.

 

I reinstated back in May of 2011 to 1mg of K. Since then, I did a 6 month taper off Dilantin and my symptoms got worse and I became more unstable again....so I tried Lamictal and had a severe anxiety reaction to it when the seizure activity came back or whatever the heck it is that those attacks are....maybe pseudo seizures that attack the emotional centers of the brain or benzo damage or who knows??? I went to the ER and tried to get back on Dilantin and could not tolerate it. The inner agitation just increased...so out of sheer desperation and lack of sleep and panic and seizures (I think seizures) and was vomiting again and could not sleep again...I got on Remeron because many people on benzo forums were saying that it would help me with eating and sleeping which it did for a few months, anyway...but now I've been on Remeron for almost 5 months and strangely enough, the "seizures" stopped, but not the anxiety. I was able to sleep and eat well. I gained about 20 lbs the first 2 months on Remeron, but it seems to have lost it's "beneficial effects" to a high degree and my anxeity and torment and panic and appetite and sleep seem to have been progressively getting worse for the past 3 months. I can't seem to stabilize and don't know what is from the Remeron and what is from the benzo.

 

I feel I have very little hope of stabilizing and recovering, but I have not given up yet. I am trying to survive this and find a way or a "path" to real stability, recovery, and healing. It's been 3 long years of inexplicable suffering and I can't seem to make any real progress. Thank you for having the patience and compassion to read my long story here. Any support, and helpful encouragement and similar shared experiences would be greatly appreciated. Take care, and I hope you find your path to recovery soon! HUGS.

 

Kian

[Karma]

Hi Kian and welcome to the community.

 

It appears that your biggest concern is whether you will ever get stable. I've seen people on this forum in terrible straits eventually become stable, but everyone is different. It appears that you have been trying things to help you deal with the withdrawal symptoms and those changes may just be making the situation worse. At some point the only thing that helps allow you to get stable is to hold and allow your central nervous system and brain to heal.

 

Others will be along shortly with suggestions.

 

Love and light,

Karma

[Altostrata]

Hello, Kian. Thanks for posting your Intro. I know it was difficult for you.

 

My guess is your panic attacks, which were diagnosed as seizures, were adverse paradoxical effects from the Klonopin. Other symptoms since then have been paradoxical effects and, later, benzo withdrawal.

 

When you have psych drug withdrawal syndrome, often your system gets hypersensitive to any other psychiatric medications. It sounds like you may have had a paradoxical reaction to Lamictal and, later, Dilantin because of this.

 

The "seizures" might have stopped because your benzo withdrawal alleviated somewhat with Remeron. Now you may have become hypersensitive to Remeron.

 

This is not unusual.

 

You have probably been suspecting you need to go off Remeron. Since it's not helping you any more, this makes sense. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2028-how-do-i-get-off-mirtazapine/

 

You will become stable, but it may be a long road. In the meantime, you need to help your nervous system heal. Since you are hypersensitive to medications, as so many of us are, you most likely will not find a cure from a drug. Among other things, supplements such as fish oil and magnesium can help. See our Symptoms and Self-care forum for information.

[Kian]

Hello, Kian. Thanks for posting your Intro. I know it was difficult for you.

 

My guess is your panic attacks, which were diagnosed as seizures, were adverse paradoxical effects from the Klonopin. Other symptoms since then have been paradoxical effects and, later, benzo withdrawal.

 

When you have psych drug withdrawal syndrome, often your system gets hypersensitive to any other psychiatric medications. It sounds like you may have had a paradoxical reaction to Lamictal and, later, Dilantin because of this.

 

The "seizures" might have stopped because your benzo withdrawal alleviated somewhat with Remeron. Now you may have become hypersensitive to Remeron.

 

This is not unusual.

 

You have probably been suspecting you need to go off Remeron. Since it's not helping you any more, this makes sense. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2028-how-do-i-get-off-mirtazapine/

 

You will become stable, but it may be a long road. In the meantime, you need to help your nervous system heal. Since you are hypersensitive to medications, as so many of us are, you most likely will not find a cure from a drug. Among other things, supplements such as fish oil and magnesium can help. See our Symptoms and Self-care forum for information.

 

Altostratus,

 

Thank you for your reply. I agree with everything you have said here. I know, that no matter what happens, I will have to suffer for a very long time. I know this, because I have already been suffering for a very long time...gradually getting really bad over the last 4 years. Mainly during the last 3 years. I know there is no majic fix or instant remedy, but it is hard not to make changes when you are suffering so inexplicably. The only supplement I take now is magnesium. I'm not sure if magnesium malate (malic acid) is the best form to take, but I thought it might be after researching it... perhaps another form of magnesium would help more, but I doubt it. I am very highly sensitive to everything it seems as you and others are saying. I tried several times to take fish oil, which I have heard is absolutely essential for healing, but it gives me terrible headaches and upsets my stomach. For this reason, I have some Krill Oil on order because I heard that it is more "tolerable" than fish oil and might provide some of the same or even better benefits as Fish Oil. The ENTIRE time I've been on benzos, and dilantin, etc......the whole 21 years, I've never taken an OMEGA like fish oil or krill oil on a regular basis for the above mentioned reason. I never knew til about a week ago, that there were other alternatives for those who cannot tolerate Fish Oil. I know it won't solve my drug problem, obviously, but hopefully, I will be able to tolerate the Krill Oil so I can take it regularly and perhaps get some sort of slight improvement or benefit from it. I saw another post somewhere here on this forum that Krill Oil was helping another gentleman with taking the edge off his anxiety. I don't do well on others including vitamin D and all the other vitamins and supps...I've tried many of them over the past 3 years and could not tolerate any. I believe your advice just to try OMEGAS and magnesium is good advice...and lines up with what my intentions are. No, it's not a majic cure, but if it could help just a little, a little would be a lot right now.

 

Do you have any suggestions as to the dose of Krill Oil I should take when the bottle arrives? I was just planning on taking what it says to take on the back of the bottle instructions. Also, please let me know if you think malic acid or malate is the best form of magnesium for a highly sensitive to things person like me. As for getting off the benzo or the remeron....I can't even think about that right now. I have to take people's advice and try not to make any more changes for a long time to see if I can get stable....in the mean time, I hope I can find an omega 3 source (from seafood;btw I eat fresh fish every week, too) that I can tolerate better and take that with the best form of magnesium which is probably the one I am taking now..the malate form. (I suspect)For now, I'm not planning on making any changes to any of the doses on the two current meds that I am now on. Sorry about being repetitive and long winded......it's the anxiety and sxs that make me that way. I would explore the self remedy etc. section, but maybe for someone desperate like me, it would not be a good idea because I might get tempted to try some new supplement that I have not yet heard of and in doing so, only postpone stabilizing even longer. What do you think?

 

Kian

[Kian]

Hi, my name is Kian.

 

I am currently taking 1.5mg of Klonopin per day and 15mg of Remeron @ night every night. My current adverse symptoms are insomnia, severe panic and anxiety, PTSD type sxs, severe depression, nervousness, tenseness, hopelessness, unable to get "stable", emotional distress and constant feelings of despair and panic. I think I might also have akathisia, too. I'm not sure if I have epilepsy, too, but about 5 months ago was when I had my last "seizure activity" and severe panic that lead me back into the ER. I have many other symptoms mentally, mostly..I get ticks, twitches, occasional muscle spasms and my memory is shot, especially short term. Long term is not bad at all. I'm suffering severely and for such a long time and am seeking to stabilize and be able to do micro tapers off the drugs I am on now. I need help and support.

 

Back in 1991, I was prescribed clonazepam by an endocrinologist after a long course of flouroquinolone (6 weeks) anti-biotics really messed me up to the point where I lost lots of weight when I was thin to begin with. I had early childhood (from age 9 to adult) drug and alcohol abuse that lead up to my losing weight and becoming very ill and unhealthy. When I was prescribed klonopin 21 years ago, I was 22 years old and was 6' 1/2" tall and weighed only 116lbs. My early childhood lifestyle of partying with drugs and alcohol had caught up to me. I recall the visit with this endocrinologist when I was very sick, depressed, and desperate for some sort of help with my "illness" which I really believe was due to my history in addition to the LONG COARSE of CIPPRO antibiotics which I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" with regards to my CNS and over all health and well being.

 

I had no clue what a benzo was. I just kept drinking and taking the clonazepam. I never did the research and my endo never warned me of the dangers of benzos. I never even realized it was a dangerous and highly addictive tranquilizer. She diagnosed me with CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and "panic attacks" which, to this day, I'm not sure exactly what they are...but they are "physical" in nature but originate in my brain and CNS and I do not believe they are related to natural anxiety or childhood issues. I believe that smoking pot and drugs and drinking at a VERY EARLY age are what started these "attacks"....as the first one I got I was high on pot. I was 18 years old.

 

Anyway, 2 years after I started taking klonopin, the "panic attacks" came back, and more intense and more frequent than ever. Constantly, throughout the day, every day, so I went and had a EEG sleep test done, and was told it was positive for abnormal electrical activity in a specific part of my brain..back in the upper right top back portion of my skull where the hair parts...is where they told me the activity was. I was diagnosed at that time with "focal partial seizures" and my neurologist put me on Dilantin and never told me to stop taking the klonopin. All my docs told me to stay on it because it is supposed to help with seizures, too.....I never did the research , nor understood the dangers of benzos and that they are only meant for short term use only. I learned this one the hard way 18 years later after losing all (wife, dogs, apartment,cars, phone, bankruptcy, etc..and so on..and my job cause I broke down and was unable to work) so I've been divorced, living with my parents for nearly 3 years now. I was suicidal when my family left me and tried to tell my wife I thought my meds were a huge part of my problem. That was not a valid excuse and I thought I was going insane, not knowing that I was, indeed suffering the long term adverse effects of benzos and Dilantin, along with occasionally medicating the pain with alcohol. It should have killed me.

 

Since losing all and moving in with my parents at the age of 40, I was suicidal from losing everything and quitting alcohol and was also researching the internet for a way to commit suicide when I can across someone on youtube suffering from "benzo withdrawals". This person was making videos and crying in despair. It really touched me as I was suicidal. That was the defining moment when I realized I was not the only person on the planet suffering and realized that the long term med use is why I was suffering so severely. Ever since then, I've been researching meds and benzos and when I found out I wasn't crazy and that it was the adverse effects of the meds that were my main problem in being in pain and unable to stabilize, I tried to reach out to others on the internet and let them know, too , and talk to others going through the same kind of suffering. I was really suffering badly. I went 5 weeks with NO SLEEP. No one believes me, but it's true. I was in total shock of having gone through such tragic loss and then discovering that I lost everything of value to me in life as a result of being ignorant and getting on benzos, instead of realizing what my health problems were in the beginning before I started benzos. After that, I was enraged and tried several CT's (cold turkeys) off the benzo and was unable to succeed. Then I finally came across the benzo forums and learned more about what I was going through. In the midst of all this crisis, I did an 8 month milk titration off of 2mg's of klonopin and then had to reinstate at 7 months out due to severe PAWS and akathisia and God knows what else. I was vomiting and could not sleep hardly at all for like two months and was also trying to get off Dilantin at the same time and so I had to reinstate the klonopin after 15 months of tapering and sheer agony.

 

I reinstated back in May of 2011 to 1mg of K. Since then, I did a 6 month taper off Dilantin and my symptoms got worse and I became more unstable again....so I tried Lamictal and had a severe anxiety reaction to it when the seizure activity came back or whatever the heck it is that those attacks are....maybe pseudo seizures that attack the emotional centers of the brain or benzo damage or who knows??? I went to the ER and tried to get back on Dilantin and could not tolerate it. The inner agitation just increased...so out of sheer desperation and lack of sleep and panic and seizures (I think seizures) and was vomiting again and could not sleep again...I got on Remeron because many people on benzo forums were saying that it would help me with eating and sleeping which it did for a few months, anyway...but now I've been on Remeron for almost 5 months and strangely enough, the "seizures" stopped, but not the anxiety. I was able to sleep and eat well. I gained about 20 lbs the first 2 months on Remeron, but it seems to have lost it's "beneficial effects" to a high degree and my anxeity and torment and panic and appetite and sleep seem to have been progressively getting worse for the past 3 months. I can't seem to stabilize and don't know what is from the Remeron and what is from the benzo.

 

I feel I have very little hope of stabilizing and recovering, but I have not given up yet. I am trying to survive this and find a way or a "path" to real stability, recovery, and healing. It's been 3 long years of inexplicable suffering and I can't seem to make any real progress. Thank you for having the patience and compassion to read my long story here. Any support, and helpful encouragement and similar shared experiences would be greatly appreciated. Take care, and I hope you find your path to recovery soon! HUGS.

 

Kian

 

Karma,

 

Thank you for the reply. I am currently in "hold" mode...and plan on staying there for as long as I can...and hopefully, I will eventually get more stable...this seems to be the most popular and collective advice of everyone here on this forum, so that is what I should try to do. Thank you kindly for your reply....

 

Kian

[Altostrata]

There's no set rule about taking fish oil or krill oil. I suggest you try a very small amount, a fraction of what it says on the bottle or anywhere else. Respect your hypersensitivities.

 

People have their preferences for this kind of magnesium or that, but any of the easily absorbable forms can work.

 

I am trying to figure out if the Remeron itself is causing any of your symptoms. You might keep notes and see if there's a daily pattern.

[Kian]

There's no set rule about taking fish oil or krill oil. I suggest you try a very small amount, a fraction of what it says on the bottle or anywhere else. Respect your hypersensitivities.

 

People have their preferences for this kind of magnesium or that, but any of the easily absorbable forms can work.

 

I am trying to figure out if the Remeron itself is causing any of your symptoms. You might keep notes and see if there's a daily pattern.

 

Altostrata,

 

I was just referred to a liquid form of high quality fish oil in that comes in a small glass bottle. It also has much more DHA and EPA and omega 3 fatty acids in it. I just got some from the store after I read your reply because I realized that since it is in liquid form, I can take as SMALL of dose as I want and take a larger dose further down the line, if it works out. I will take your advice and respect my hypersensitivities and take a very small amount to start. It recommends taking 5ml doses, so maybe I will use a syringe and take like 1ml to start. That would be 1/5th of the recommended dosage on the bottle. Then, if the Fish Oil STILL does not work out, I can still try the Krill Oil I have on order.

 

I seem to do ok on the magnesium I have so I will just stick with that. (magnesium malate)

 

I've been confused as to what is what since I started taking Remeron. All I know for sure, is that when I took my doctor's advice and tried to work my way up to 30 mg's my anxiety level got EXTREMELY WORSE to the point where my hands were dripping sweat and the higher doses also caused me to have insomnia. Ironically, when I cut 1/4 of a pill (from 18.75mg to 15mg) I got practically the same results. I've heard Remeron is more stimulating at higher doses so that is why I am trying to stay put at 15mg and try to get stable. I've been at 15mg's for about a month to 6 weeks? My highest dose ever on Remeron was 22.5mg and that only lasted a few days before I was so panicky, I had to cut.

 

Thank you in all sincerity for your help here and advice. This is the first forum I have now participated on besides a benzo forum. I'm hoping I can learn new things that will be of some benefit and that maybe my experience can help someone else, too, in some way...Take care.

 

Kian

[dalsaan]

Hi Kian

 

Just thought i would let you know I have had some good results cutting sugar, caffeine and alcohol out of my diet. Have found that I am much less aroused/anxious, have slept better and lost weight.

 

Cheers

 

Dalsaan

[Kian]

Hi Kian

 

Just thought i would let you know I have had some good results cutting sugar, caffeine and alcohol out of my diet. Have found that I am much less aroused/anxious, have slept better and lost weight.

 

Cheers

 

Dalsaan

 

Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad doing those things has helped you out. I quit alcohol at the beginning of July, 2009. Caffeine left about 4 to 6 months later. I still eat sugar, but MUCH less than I used to...and you are right....it does help a lot. I've also found that it is good to eat lots of fish (which, I know, most people don't like fish?) but I did slightly improve when I improved by diet by eating lots of fresh salmon and tilapia, along with some light veggies like green beans, along with things that help digestion like greek yogurt (unless you can't tolerate dairy) and occasional probiotics. Avocados are also supposed to be good food for the brain and bananas are good for potassium, but high in sugar. I think when you eat them less ripe the sugar content is less? I don't know. I also take magnesium but have lowered the dosage. I just started fish oil, too. I'm tring the Carlson's brand "the very finest" to see if it helps me at all. I've never been able to tolerate fish oil regularly, but think it may be because I've never taken lower doses and higher quality, to we'll see how it goes. I also make pumpkin smoothies during the winter months. Honey is my favorite sweetener and cinnamon is a good antioxidant. The organic pumpkin has lots of vitamin A antioxidants in it, too, but I'm not currently a vitamin fan. I cannot tolerate the regimen it takes to get some good healing. I hope someday I can. Maybe the fish oil will help? I hope so. Thanks again for the post.

 

Kian

[FireBird]

Hello Kian,

 

I read your story today and since I am a relatively new member and still trying to stabilize myself, too, I simply wanted to say that your courage is admirable and I look forward to the day when many of us, you most definitely included, can say that we are doing well, that we have been off these medications for some time, and that we can offer the kind of support to others by letting them know that it can be done, that we can get healthy again.

 

Thanks for your story.

[Kian]

Hello Kian,

 

I read your story today and since I am a relatively new member and still trying to stabilize myself, too, I simply wanted to say that your courage is admirable and I look forward to the day when many of us, you most definitely included, can say that we are doing well, that we have been off these medications for some time, and that we can offer the kind of support to others by letting them know that it can be done, that we can get healthy again.

 

Thanks for your story.

 

I wish you the best in your healing and recovery. I hope we both stabilize more soon. It's so hard to wait, but if it's possible, it will be worth it for us in the long run as you say..in helping others. Thank you for this comment on my intro and for reading my history. I'm going to see if you have an introduction and read it if you do...thanks again and take good care of yourself..

 

Kian

[annej]

Hi Kian,

 

You know me as Klonkers. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I think of you everyday and send prayers for the return of your health.

 

I had to reinstate Klonopin back in late April due to severe akathisia. My neurologist does not want me to touch my dose for quite some time and I am in complete agreement.

 

I am fortunate that reinstating got me stable. It took a very long time though. I still have tinnitus in my left ear (formerly both ears), but it is not a problem. I cold turkeyed off of 3 mg of Remeron back on April 11 and the further I get away from this drug, the better I feel. I think, in my case, Remeron did not help me a bit and caused terror-like feelings. Bottom line is that I got off of too many psych drugs and then tapered off the K and was not using my symptoms as a guideline. I had no business starting a K taper when I did, but I did not know any better.

 

I am trying the "harm reduction" approach to living with the idea that it may take a very, very long time for me to get off of K. I may never get fully off of it. I do yoga every day, I do not have any terror or panic, I am simply grateful that I did not take my life with the tardive akathisia and tardive dyskinesia.

 

My trauma is diminishing every single day. I even started to date again. I have been able to return to living on my own again. I am hopeful that I can reduce my dose (every so slowly) to 1 mg perhaps in a year's time and then go from there. I do not have any depression and I am grateful for this.

 

Anyway, I just want to reach out and tell you that it is good to see you on this forum and that I think of you. Hugs, Annej

[Kian]

Hi Kian,

 

You know me as Klonkers. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I think of you everyday and send prayers for the return of your health.

 

I had to reinstate Klonopin back in late April due to severe akathisia. My neurologist does not want me to touch my dose for quite some time and I am in complete agreement.

 

I am fortunate that reinstating got me stable. It took a very long time though. I still have tinnitus in my left ear (formerly both ears), but it is not a problem. I cold turkeyed off of 3 mg of Remeron back on April 11 and the further I get away from this drug, the better I feel. I think, in my case, Remeron did not help me a bit and caused terror-like feelings. Bottom line is that I got off of too many psych drugs and then tapered off the K and was not using my symptoms as a guideline. I had no business starting a K taper when I did, but I did not know any better.

 

I am trying the "harm reduction" approach to living with the idea that it may take a very, very long time for me to get off of K. I may never get fully off of it. I do yoga every day, I do not have any terror or panic, I am simply grateful that I did not take my life with the tardive akathisia and tardive dyskinesia.

 

My trauma is diminishing every single day. I even started to date again. I have been able to return to living on my own again. I am hopeful that I can reduce my dose (every so slowly) to 1 mg perhaps in a year's time and then go from there. I do not have any depression and I am grateful for this.

 

Anyway, I just want to reach out and tell you that it is good to see you on this forum and that I think of you. Hugs, Annej

 

 

Thank you for sharing all that, Anne. I have the same kind of idea now as you. I want to stay where I'm at and see if my CNS will heal to whatever degree. I do feel like Remeron tries to take over where klonopin leaves off, but helps only to a degree.

 

Instead of trying to figure out what drug to cut next or make any moves here or there, I just started fish oil (a very high quality one) that it seems (so far) that I will be able to tolerate. It seems to be helping my symptoms a little bit and I feel more stable after being on it for only 4 days. I'm still taking less than the daily amount on the bottle with the fish oil. I want to work my way up to a higher dose. This is the first time I've been able to take fish oil for this long (today is day 5) and be able to tolerate it. I'm hoping that not making changes and taking the fish oil with the magnesium helps me get more stable.

 

I don't really want to talk too much about my story. It haunts me every day of my life. There are a few other basic things I could be doing for my health that I am not currently trying to do while still on medications. I may not try those things until I get more stable.

 

I'm wishing you success in this journey. I need to learn to live beyond the fear that I will NEVER heal or recover to a functional degree. That is why only encouragement is acceptable to me right now. I'm rooting for you, Anne.

 

Kian

[tgirl]

Kian,

So sorry to read your story.

I do hope you are healing.