greyinmotion: Lost in withdrawal (lexapro)

[greyinmotion]

I have waited a long time to post this. Am unused to confiding personal stuff, have difficulty connecting with people and also my memory of things is muddled. This is a truncated version of my experience with anti-depressants (AD) over 6 years plus currently 2 and half years of withdrawal. 

 

Beginning

Started experiencing debilitating anxiety and depression in my late teens. I found myself becoming a recluse in my thirties. For a few years I went weeks without venturing out of the house. When I did, I got out in the early hours to get some exercise. And that was it.

 

During this time an unfortunate incident happened and I came into possession of Lexapro which was prescribed for someone else and one day I started taking it. In short, Lexapro saved me. I felt different. I managed to go out to places I normally hate/fear. I didn't feel anxious when I was around people. It was a miraculous thing. I felt calm. I could concentrate. I could be at ease. I could do things for myself and my family again. I could live life again.

 

During my years on Lexapro I still experienced some periods of depression, anxiety and anhedonia though it's not on the same level as before meds and after it.  Even though it seems the beneficial effects became weaker overtime,  overall Lexapro worked well for me. I don't regret taking it and if given a choice to go back in time I would still have taken it as there was just no way out.

 

Decision to stop

Since I had improved I felt there was hope that I could live without it.  I weighed the pros and cons of continuing on this med. I worried about the instability of my sources and the possible side effects of continuing long term. I mentioned I wasn't prescribed them so I bought more from online pharmacies. You may wonder why I did not go the formal way instead. I have issues with seeking help and with people in general. If I could do it by myself I would. Only my partner knows about my condition. 

 

I tried a few times to stop but finally succeeded on my last try at end of 2020. Maintained an erratic approach to tapering. Besides tapering dosages I used methods like alternate days and going without till withdrawal symptoms start showing. I jumped off at 1.25mg as it was the smallest dosage I could feasibly obtain (I now know there's a way to obtain even smaller dosages from this board). In estimate I really tapered off in a few months time.

 

Withdrawal

Emotional aspects are the hardest to bear. Beginning I felt a lot of anger and irritation. Sudden bouts of rage or getting extremely emotional and teary. Daily sudden waking with a lot of anxiety or waking up and experiencing dystalgia. Constantly feeling tired, stressed out and overwhelmed. Constantly on the edge of breaking down. For periods I would experience depersonalisation-derealisation and persistent dystalgia (a term invented on this board on obsessing about the passage of time and the past). I find myself obsessing over things and thoughts which were easier to let go of when I was on AD. Also obsessed with issues of death, mortality and suicide. I still experience all these in phases currently and had been constantly down in 2022/23 with weeks long of deep depression and despair. 

 

There's the constant uncertainty and doubt, especially so during a wave, which is often. Is it a relapse? Can I really overcome the withdrawal? How long is this going to go on? Will I ever heal? Why am I putting myself through this?   Whenever I get really bad I start wondering about going back on. The idea of having to one day go through withdrawal all over again stops me fantasising about this option.  The other option is to stay on it forever which I just can't see myself in. Another thing that adds to the uncertainty is I don't really have an old functioning image of myself to fall-back on. I can't go back to the old me.

 

Physical symptoms

Worsening eyesight, being unable to focus on near objects (could be because I am getting older but the development coincided with my withdrawal), halo effect around light sources, blurry eyes, light sensitivity and worsened night vision. More than half of my hair had turned grey to this ordeal (people had commented on this).  Nerve pain in the left hip that mostly went away followed now by stiff and painful neck. I still experience random mild brain zaps though infrequently. Recent months developed constant tinnitus which I think is due to the overwhelming stress withdrawal has on my mind and body and is an added agony. I feel easily tired and overwhelmed. 

 

I am devastated by what is happening to me. I feel like I have aged 10 years in these 2 years of withdrawal with no end in sight. Brain fog, unable to concentrate and think and erratic moods have seriously impacted my ability to function. I am struggling almost everyday to do even simple things.

 

In my messed up mind I feel like this is a manifestation of "there's no free lunch ever". The suffering and damage I am experiencing now is payback for the good Lexapro had brought me.  I just hope that 6 good years will not translate into an equivalent of 6 years of agony.

 

Though what I have typed above are mostly bleak, there are times when I am better. My mood varies throughout the day. It's true that when we are in a wave we feel we have always been like this and will always stay like this. I try to remind myself of this. That things can change and they will change. 

 

I feel my symptoms had somewhat stabilised. Most days my struggle is with depression, anxiety, restlessness, feeling lost, becoming overwhelmed and fatigued easily.

 

I have found a lot of reassurance in this forum knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through and seeing others give names and descriptions to what I am experiencing. Much thanks to everyone here.

 

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During my period on Lexapro I experimented with other psych drugs (Celexa, Fluvoxamine, Bupropion) for short periods. None of them had the same effect as Lexapro and I had no problem getting off them. I also used Prozac (sporadically to help cushion withdrawal symptoms) and St John's wort (March-April 2021) to help me wean off

 

Supplements I take (not regularly) - fish oil, inositol (in small doses as it causes GI issues), magnesium, lutein, iron, Vit b complex, Sam-e.

 

Supplements I have tried - 5-htp, L-theanine, Gaba, L-tyrosine, Ashwagandha.

 

For me the ideal is not having to take any supplements at all.

 

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Things I do to help myself

 

 

I try to meditate and do MBCT (mindfulness based cognitive therapy) combined with TDCS/TACS (Transcranial direct current stimulation/ Transcranial alternating current stimulation) but hasn't been consistent due to periods of deep depression where basic things like getting up and self hygiene is impossible.  It's a tedious cycle of falling off the wagon and having to climb back on, over and over. TDCS seemed to help at the very beginning.  Meditation seems beneficial whenever I am able to get to it but it needs to be practised long term consistently to see any real changes. Whenever I fall into a depressive cycle (can happen anytime and without triggers) I haven't found anything that can really pull me out or shorten the cycle or ideally prevent me from falling into it in the first place.

 

I try with supplements that are recommended like fish oil and magnesium but don't know if they help.

 

I try to do things like walk or cycle when I am better. I don't follow any specific diets.

 

I take alcohol sometimes when it gets too much to help with situation that elicits stress and anxiety. I know this is frowned upon here but it's something to help myself cope. Otherwise I stay away from alcohol.  Additional note on alcohol: when I was taking Lexapro I drank more often. And It seems alcohol has a different effect on me now.

 

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What I need

 

I need to develop new skills that can help me cope with life stresses. Life only gets harder as I get older. I am pretty critical of myself and I need to show myself more compassion and forgiveness and not be so serious about this life.

 

I also need to be more consistent in my efforts to help myself and in the supplements I take. I tend to shift and change my mind often and quickly.

 

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About my eyesight

 

Went for a check-up as I experienced halo around light sources pretty significantly a few months deep into withdrawal.  The optometrist mentioned the optic nerve was slightly enlarged and asked me about familial history for glaucoma but with more tests she confirmed my eyes were fine. I know that there are studies showing SSRIs may affect vision.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2023 by Shep
fixed formatting problem

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm glad you found the information on our forum so helpful, and that you have created an intro thread. 

 

Could you please condense your drug history in your signature to just include the drug name, dosage, and dates of each dosage change?  Please be more specific with your dates, as best you can remember.  Please also include your supplements in your history.  Thank you.  

 

How to List Your Drug History in Your Signature

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This explains why it takes so long to recover from the withdrawal. 

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are having ongoing issues with depression.  It could be a combination of protracted withdrawal, combined with other causes.  It sounds like you are doing some good non drug things to help yourself.  It's good that you realize your need to continue to work on other ways to help yourself.  I'm in the same boat you are - working on ways to cope with anxiety and depression without drugs.  I believe this is a life long process.  

 

We have found that many supplements can have unpredictable effects of people in withdrawal.  The only ones we suggest for withdrawal are magnesium, and omega 3.  Here are topics on supplements.  It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

If you do use other supplements, we suggest you only add 1 at a time to see how it affects you, and start with a low dose. 

 

Important Topics About Supplements, Treatments, Diet, etc.

 

On 7/4/2023 at 2:22 AM, greyinmotion said:

TDCS/TACS (Transcranial direct current stimulation/ Transcranial alternating current stimulation) but hasn't been consistent

Here is our topic on that, which discusses various members' experiences with this. 

 

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

 

Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing.  You are in good company here.  

 

Edited July 7, 2023 by getofflex

[greyinmotion]

On 7/8/2023 at 3:55 AM, getofflex said:

 

Could you please condense your drug history in your signature to just include the drug name, dosage, and dates of each dosage change?  Please be more specific with your dates, as best you can remember.  Please also include your supplements in your history.  Thank you.  

 

 

I have simplified my drug history. I didn't really keep a timeline of supplements as there are quite a few I tried, so will only include current ones. Hope this is ok.

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It's good that you realize your need to continue to work on other ways to help yourself.  I'm in the same boat you are - working on ways to cope with anxiety and depression without drugs.  I believe this is a life long process.  

 

Everyday it feels like having to move a boulder uphill to have it roll down again. Often I just sit with the boulder feeling defeated, lol.

[getofflex]

These drugs can take years to recover from.  I've been off Lexapro for a year, and am still recovering from it.  That's the bad news.  The good news is, eventually, we do recover.  Some of us have protracted withdrawal.  I know how frustrating this is, because I have it. 

 

Protracted Withdrawal - How Long Does it Last

 

Try reading some of the success stories.  They are on the home page.  This may help to encourage you and give you hope.  

[getofflex]

I don't know if you are still using sam-E, but here is the topic on that.  

 

Sam-E Powerful Neuroactive Supplement

[greyinmotion]

On 7/11/2023 at 1:35 AM, getofflex said:

I don't know if you are still using sam-E, but here is the topic on that.  

 

Sam-E Powerful Neuroactive Supplement

 

Thanks for the link @getofflex. I am not taking Sam-e currently.  It seems to help "move" me, not so catatonic when I am seriously depressed but also puts me on edge, not great as I often feel anxious and restless. I didn't experience any withdrawal effects when skipping or stopping.

[DancingBee]

Hi GreyinMotion:

 

Thanks so much for your post. Reading your story was a relief to me. My heart goes out to you with all you’ve been though and are currently experiencing. You are so right on when you say “I need to show myself more compassion and forgiveness.” It can be so easy to forget, especially when you’re having a hard time. I’ve found it helpful to tell my partner or a friend to please keep reminding me of this.

 

Anyways, I relate to your story, especially that ADs helped. That seems to be somewhat rare on this forum—with most people ADs didn’t seem to help their symptoms significantly, made them feel numb emotionally &/or gave them bad side effects that impacted their quality of life. 

Like you, I experienced debilitating depression in my late teens/early 20s, and to a lesser extent, anxiety. When I started ADs, they were like a miracle—I felt like a regular person with a normal range of emotions and the ability to be in the present moment and not stuck in self-critical and despairing thoughts. 

Like you, once I’d improved and my life felt good and stable, I hoped I could go off the drugs, but encountered similar withdrawal symptoms of being extremely emotional, teary, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed and irritable—and all the hopeless and negative intrusive thoughts I’d had pre-ADs came back, but twice as bad.

 

Finally, I really relate to not having an old functioning self to go back to. I was depressed for a good 5 years, mild at first progressing to severe. The depression was generalized—there was no event or life circumstance that was a current problem—I just felt bad about myself and life. I tried to alleviate my depression with exercise, eating well, talking to friends, doing therapy and acupuncture—my depression just continued to go on and worsen. 

 

The stories of a lot of people (on this forum and elsewhere on the web) had “reasons” that led to depression (a death, cancer diagnosis, super stressful job, abusive spouse, post-partum, etc.) and then were offered medication so soon into it that they didn’t get a chance to grieve, process or try non-drug interventions that may very well have brought them back to their baseline. Such people have functional selves to eventually recover to.

 

My only experience of myself pre-ADs is of a not-particularly happy kid who became mild-to-moderately depressed in high school, then severely depressed by the end of college. I do want to come off these drugs and I’m scared because I tried and was unable to shift my pretty debilitating depression pre-ADs. So I wonder how I’m ever going to recover into a functional person, especially with withdrawal symptoms layered on? Some might say this is just pessimistic, but it seems realistic to me. 

 

At least ADs have allowed me several decades of being highly functional, pretty content with life and able to build many meaningful relationships. Perhaps I’ve learned from these experiences and will be able to draw on them to heal into a person who just has regular ups and downs. I hope this for you too.

I look forward to keeping up with your journey.

 

Best,
Dancing Bee

[getofflex]

Please do not tag me.  Thank you for understanding.  

[greyinmotion]

Hi @DancingBee,

 

Firstly very sorry for the late reply as I had somehow missed out on your post.  

 

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Anyways, I relate to your story, especially that ADs helped. That seems to be somewhat rare on this forum—with most people ADs didn’t seem to help their symptoms significantly, made them feel numb emotionally &/or gave them bad side effects that impacted their quality of life.

 

I have similar impressions as you regards this.

 

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Perhaps I’ve learned from these experiences and will be able to draw on them to heal into a person who just has regular ups and downs.

 

Sometimes I am able to use memories of the functioning me to pull through situations. But it's getting harder and harder as I am more depressed than ever.

 

I am losing hope and desperate. Now seriously considering St John's Wort. But after 3 years off, this is a huge gamble. I know my mind is still "sensitised", since taking Tryptophan can trigger mild brain zaps.

 

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I hope this for you too.

Thank you. I really appreciate your taking time to respond. It means a lot to me.

 

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You are so right on when you say “I need to show myself more compassion and forgiveness.”

 

I saw on your intro that you are steadily tapering. Everyone's different in withdrawal and it's a long and arduous journey. Compassion, forgiveness and patience for ourselves is needed more than ever. Best of luck to you!

[DancingBee]

Hello @greyinmotion:

 

So nice to get your reply.

 

On 12/11/2023 at 6:13 PM, greyinmotion said:

Sometimes I am able to use memories of the functioning me to pull through situations. But it's getting harder and harder as I am more depressed than ever.

 

I am losing hope and desperate. Now seriously considering St John's Wort. But after 3 years off, this is a huge gamble. I know my mind is still "sensitised", since taking Tryptophan can trigger mild brain zaps.

I'm sorry to hear how depressed you've been for such a long, long time. I wonder how you're getting through it; one day at a time, I guess? My heart goes out to you. Did St. John's Wort help you when you took it back in 2021?

 

I know at some point in my taper I'll start feeling depressed again. I fear I too will experience longterm, ongoing depression that doesn't lift since I was consistently depressed for a good 2+ years pre-ADs. And when I've gone off ADs in the past, I experienced extreme depression without any windows, just one big, continuous tsunami wave.

 

Do you have any windows—or at least variation in your level of depression? How are you today compared to the time after you came off Lexapro 3 yrs ago?

 

I'm also curious if you've seen or considered seeing a naturopath or similar type of holistic practitioner? I ask b/c there's so much new research about the role inflammation, the gut microbiome and other physical things play in contributing to (or even causing) depression and anxiety. It'd be great if you found out you had an underlying physical imbalance or gut dysbiosis that, once treated also changed your mood. I just mention this on the off chance you don't already know about the research into these type of connections and might find them useful. 

 

On 12/11/2023 at 6:13 PM, greyinmotion said:

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You are so right on when you say “I need to show myself more compassion and forgiveness.”

 

I saw on your intro that you are steadily tapering. Everyone's different in withdrawal and it's a long and arduous journey. Compassion, forgiveness and patience for ourselves is needed more than ever. Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks for your kind words. And please post updates about your process as you can. I'd love to hear how you're doing. Here's sending you big hugs. 

[greyinmotion]

Hi @DancingBee,

 

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Did St. John's Wort help you when you took it back in 2021?

I used St John's Wort to help me wean off Lexapro. I noted it seemed to have helped as I felt less anxious and had gone 15 days without Lexapro. As my aim was to get off all drugs, I did not continue with St John's Wort. I am considering it again but there are many things to be concerned about. One such consideration is I live on a tropical island that is hot and sunny all year round. It's going to be really hard to avoid the sun.

 

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Do you have any windows—or at least variation in your level of depression? How are you today compared to the time after you came off Lexapro 3 yrs ago?

I do have windows. How do I gauge this? I become more productive, stick to routines and goals and take care of myself. If I can at least function I consider that a window.

 

For variation in level of depression, over these 3 years depression got "blacker" and last longer. In my log of moods, 2020 had 32 dark days. 2021, 86 days. 2022, 140 days. 2023 currently at 149 days. A wave can come without any trigger or warning. It can come when you are seemingly back on track and doing better. The depression I get nowadays I would describe as feeling dead and wanting to be dead. I stop taking care of myself or my responsibilities. No motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I can be in the same position for hours. My mind is stuck in this quicksand mode and I can't pull myself out of it.   

 

Is the depression a relapse or part of withdrawal? I am inclined to think it's a mixture of both.

 

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I'm also curious if you've seen or considered seeing a naturopath or similar type of holistic practitioner?

No I have not and have not really considered doing so.  

 

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I ask b/c there's so much new research about the role inflammation, the gut microbiome and other physical things play in contributing to (or even causing) depression and anxiety.

I have read about how serotonin is mostly produced in the gut and the link between gut health and mental health. This would be an area I like to explore more on. I believe I am genetically prone to depression and anxiety.  

 

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And when I've gone off ADs in the past, I experienced extreme depression without any windows, just one big, continuous tsunami wave.

If you are doing okay currently you have to decide how far you want to go on this journey. When we are well, we have hope and optimism and believe things can be different. It's one thing to taper down on dosages and another to be completely weaned off ADs. And we know when you are off it's sometimes not just a simple reversal of actions to fix things.

[DancingBee]

Hi @greyinmotion:

 

Thanks for answering all my questions. Ah, living in a sunny place would make St. John's Wort a challenge.

 

On 12/13/2023 at 11:51 AM, greyinmotion said:

For variation in level of depression, over these 3 years depression got "blacker" and last longer. In my log of moods, 2020 had 32 dark days. 2021, 86 days. 2022, 140 days. 2023 currently at 149 days. A wave can come without any trigger or warning. It can come when you are seemingly back on track and doing better. The depression I get nowadays I would describe as feeling dead and wanting to be dead. I stop taking care of myself or my responsibilities. No motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I can be in the same position for hours. My mind is stuck in this quicksand mode and I can't pull myself out of it.   

 

Is the depression a relapse or part of withdrawal? I am inclined to think it's a mixture of both.

 

Oh sweet you, so sorry the number of dark days each year is increasing. One would hope that time and all the self-care you do would have things moving in the opposite direction. I've experienced depression like you, of wanting to be dead. It takes so much energy to push through that and do the most basic things each day. Like you said, you may be genetically (and/or epigenetically) pre-disposed to depression and anxiety. I want to hold out hope for discovering something that improves things for you despite any predisposition. I do think exploring the gut microbiome/naturopath route could be a worthwhile endeavor if you have the resources to do so.

 

On 12/13/2023 at 11:51 AM, greyinmotion said:

If you are doing okay currently you have to decide how far you want to go on this journey. When we are well, we have hope and optimism and believe things can be different. It's one thing to taper down on dosages and another to be completely weaned off ADs. And we know when you are off it's sometimes not just a simple reversal of actions to fix things.

 

Yeah, right now I'm only willing to taper as long as my mood and quality of my life are still decent/good—or dip and then rebound to decent/good. I hear you about hope and optimism being there when we are well—and having lots of skills to utilize. I know when I get depressed, all the things I have learned about coping, compassion, etc. completely disappear. While I would like to be off ADs entirely, I will be happy if I get down to a very low dose.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. I will too.

[greyinmotion]

My father just passed away after an ordeal that lasted about a month and a half. It was pretty sudden. That it happened during a very low point in my life. I feel a lot of emotions besides grief, amongst them guilt and regret. Sometimes I think if I haven't been so depressed I could have taken better care of him and maybe it wouldn't have happened. Was getting off Lexapro really worth it? If I haven't been dealing with withdrawal these few years I could have spent more quality time with him.

 

It was pretty traumatic to witness his dying process. I stayed with him till almost the end. He got very depressed when he realised he was going to die and kept insisting on going home. But before we could bring him back he died.

 

I started St John's Wort at end of 2023. It coincided with the rollar coaster of events and extreme stress and anxiety so it's hard to assess it's effects properly. During this period I couldn't sleep or rest properly and not sure if taking SJW contributed to the insomnia.