bambam Miles from where I started

[bambam]

ADMIN NOTE Please see bambam's Introductions topic here.

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Hi all. I am  13 Months off lamictal. I initially started it for anxiety while driving or being in crowded places. I was postpartum and still breastfeeding so the NP I saw pretty much used my mood swings from lack of sleep and irritability as a way to convince me I was bipolar. She said lamictal would eliminate all the issues I was having. My son was still waking up around 7 times a night to nurse so I now know that my issues were from being postpartum, family trauma that happened while I was pregnant, and lack of sleep.

 

I started at 25mg and titrated by 25mg every two weeks. Once I got to 75mg I started feeling panicky and extremely anxious like never before. My heart was racing and I was in constant fight or flight. I went down to 50mg on my own and felt better so I returned to the doctor and she swore I am bipolar and it wasn’t the medicine causing my issue and it was my bipolar progressing she said I needed to go back to 75 and get to 200 before I felt better. Since she was a doctor I listened and believed her. Once I went up to 75mg all hell broke loose. Panic anxiety pacing wanting to cry but not being able to feeling so dissociated and out of life.

 

I found a different NP that said I didn’t need lamictal and wasn’t bipolar and to ween from 75 to 0 in 8 days and start buspirone as I was weening. Stopping the lamictal made all my issues go away and starting buspirone made me so nauseous and sick I lost 20 pounds fast since I wasn’t eating and still nursing. I was on the lamictal for 8 weeks total and the buspar for 2 weeks. I’m not sure if it was the Lamictal getting out of my system and BuSpar I’m getting in my system or a combination of both but  about the second week off Lamictal second week on buspar  I was so dissociated I would look at myself in the mirror and had no idea who I was. I physically couldn’t cry I’d didn’t care about anything. I  experienced  three day long panic attacks.

 

I thought I was literally going to die and that I needed to check myself in somewhere but my husband advise me against this because they were just put me on more medication. The three day long panic settle down a few days later, but then I entered into this constant state of dissociation, weird brain sensations and depersonalization. For months I couldn’t laugh or feel joy at all. I felt like I was living in a dream every day. It was so hard for me to get out of bed, knowing I was going to feel this way and try and take care of my kids, intense panic and anxiety would come in waves that would last a few days and I would have to take an Ativan to make it go away.

 

The brain sensation was  the worst of it all I cannot even begin to describe it to myself or to anyone to understand really what it is. The closest definition I can find is either depersonalization or dissociation, but it didn’t go away when I closed my eyes, it would feel like the darkness was pushing away from me, and like I was floating and this would cause me to panic so sleeping  during this time was very difficult. It is now getting better where I can nap and go to bed at night without the fear of this sensation.

 

I was very hopeless during this time. I had two kids to take care of and everyday was a battle between feeling fake or having panic attacks. I considered more medications many many times but my husband reminded me daily that my brain was healing and that I would recover and the brain thing as I call it would go away as well as the anxiety. He was my rock. I couldn’t have done it without him.

 

Magnesium glycinate make my weird brain thing and anxiety worse. I don’t think I’ll ever know what exactly the brain sensation is all I know is it caused me great distress for over a year. Large objects or certain images would trigger it. I thought about the ocean and the sensation and panic started. Very odd. My worse “wave” was in month 6 when I was taking the magnesium glycinate. The panic attacks were so bad I became acrophobic but my husband suggested he noticed me getting worse after starting the magnesium. It took awhile for that to settle back to withdrawal normal. In month 9 I went on a plane to visit my dad and though I felt dissociated and fake I enjoyed myself and was glad I went.  

 

This website was a great help to me. I was gaslit by any doctor I tried to see that told me there was no way eight weeks of this medication and two weeks of a BuSpar could cause me to be  experiencing this at all and for so long. my husband was the only one that really believed me and of course you on this website.

 

Most of the time I feel pretty back to normal I will get a little waves here and there were the brain thing will pick up if I am tired from a night of insomnia, or a day where my anxiety is a little higher than usual, but I just fight through it and tell myself it’s a wave and I will be feeling back to normal again. I really don’t think about the year I suffered that much at all unless I think about it. I still have insomnia on and off around my cycle but it doesn’t leave me completely zoned out anymore.

 

During the darkest days of my recovery, I wanted to unalive myself and didn’t think I would ever recover ever feel normal again. I was glued to my phone because looking at my surroundings made me feel fake and foggy and panicky. I thought I was in a permanent state of disassociation depersonalization derealization. that I would die before my kids got to grow up but now these days I am back to working and I feel pretty normal. We go out and do outings and activities and I don’t even have to worry about carrying a benzo around with me in case I have a panic attack, although I do keep it in my bag just out of habit.

 

It’s been months since my last panic attack and I am loving my life again and excited for the future. Once I got to the one year mark it was like a flipped switched and my issues became less and less noticeable. The only thing that helped was time. I prayed a lot and still do. My husband helped me keep faith that one day I’d be ok again. I still have some healing to do. I do hope my brain thing goes away completely but I am miles away from where I was. I can have caffeine now without issue but I do avoid it so I don’t charge my system. For awhile a soda or even decaf would cause a panic attack. I wish healing and recovery to everyone. The only way out is through and you will all walk through that window into endless recovery. 

 

Edited October 19, 2023 by Altostrata
added paragraph breaks and admin note

[Altostrata]

@bambam what a beautiful success story! I am so happy for you, that you're so well recovered.

[zma1]

Oh my bam bam thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m so happy that you are feeling good and enjoying life😊 thank you and thanks to your husband for being a great support and advocate for you. All the very best to you and yours❤️

[Jennings]

This is wonderful.  I'm glad you were able to overcome this evil.

[bambam]

Also a side note I’d like to add. You dont HAVE to accept a diagnosis or medication. I wish I would’ve had a doctor that took postpartum, lack of sleep, lack of exercise and sunshine, diet ect into account before labeling me bipolar. I think EMDR and therapy can be very helpful as opposed to brain altering chemicals. Depression and anxiety aren’t a condition but more a symptom of something deeper whether that be childhood trauma or something else. 

[Altostrata]

Words of wisdom, @bambam Please update your signature with the dates you came off each of your drugs, and your tapering methods. 

[Phoenixmama]

@bambam thank you for your SS , and bless your husbands heart ❤️💪🌞

[bambam]

5 hours ago, Phoenixmama said:

@bambam thank you for your SS , and bless your husbands heart ❤️💪🌞

Yes he was my rock! He reassured me everyday sometimes multiple times a day that it was the medications and not me. He helped me keep hope. 

[Nypeaches89]

Thank you for your testimony! I agree that after 1 year a big corner is passed. Was the weird brain feeling you talk about akathesia? Like an internal agitation, electric wired up feeling, that feels somewhat connected to the guts, that only physical movement can calm down ? That’s been my biggest struggle (better now, haven’t had it since August). It was often triggered by too much visual / sensory stimulation. Or by some times of the menstrual cycles (after periods).  

Anyway, glad you made it, and glad your husband saw clearly what was going on and was a great support for you. The biggest danger always is to bring more meds to the table! 
 

[bambam]

3 hours ago, Nypeaches89 said:

Thank you for your testimony! I agree that after 1 year a big corner is passed. Was the weird brain feeling you talk about akathesia? Like an internal agitation, electric wired up feeling, that feels somewhat connected to the guts, that only physical movement can calm down ? That’s been my biggest struggle (better now, haven’t had it since August). It was often triggered by too much visual / sensory stimulation. Or by some times of the menstrual cycles (after periods).  

Anyway, glad you made it, and glad your husband saw clearly what was going on and was a great support for you. The biggest danger always is to bring more meds to the table! 
 

No the brain sensation isn’t like akathesia. The closest description I’ve found is dissociation or depersonalization I’m not sure if it’s either.  I don’t have any issues that physical movements hep.