Will I ever be happy

[Ma205]

Just really thinking about my whole life lately, even from the time I was a kid Pre-ssris and into my adulthood. It appears I have been chasing happiness my entire life through these examples and really makes me wonder if I’ll ever regain any type of happiness off meds: 

 

1. EXCESSIVE sugar and carb intake 

2. chasing highs and constant cravings for alcohol and ecstasy (prob 6 times I used). Started drinking at 14

3. craving sunlight every day and crying on days it was cloudy or raining.. I’d be in the snow laying in a patch of sun as a teenager or I’d go tanning all winter

4. Constantly looking for outs in relationships once the “honey moon” lust phase wore off

5. Constantly attention seeking and working on my appearance to gain compliments from others 

6. Inability to just sit and “do nothing” always needed a goal to achieve or a plan to do to bring some short lived happiness 

7. Living off constant caffeine highs since age 12 

8. Excessive exercise and weight lifting and without it would immediately go into a depression.

 

has anyone been like this before meds or on them and made it through? Currently in withdrawal after 18 years of ssri use (started at age 14). I know these meds can make you crave sugar, alcohol ect. I just know I was like that before I started them. My memories of me as a kid are rapid firing lately and I’m realizing Iv never been happy.

[fatmikesarmpit]

Just turning 40 very soon and looking back I can see almost everything I have done in life is chasing hits of dopamine similar to you.  I relate to lot's of these.  There is a strong suggestion of ADHD after a DIVA assessment, which figures. I just have to wait for a specialist appointment which I am told is years not months.   Ah well I was told I just had anxiety and the boohoo's for 25 years and take these pills and GTFO.  Not those pills, these ones.  Not those pills, these ones.  I guess another couple of years won't hurt, 

 

Meditation and mindfulness has been a big help to me, though I read a study about people who get worse when they start to embrace that stuff, so keep an eye out for that. 

[pinkfairy]

On 10/17/2023 at 10:57 PM, Ma205 said:

Just really thinking about my whole life lately, even from the time I was a kid Pre-ssris and into my adulthood. It appears I have been chasing happiness my entire life through these examples and really makes me wonder if I’ll ever regain any type of happiness off meds: 

 

1. EXCESSIVE sugar and carb intake 

2. chasing highs and constant cravings for alcohol and ecstasy (prob 6 times I used). Started drinking at 14

3. craving sunlight every day and crying on days it was cloudy or raining.. I’d be in the snow laying in a patch of sun as a teenager or I’d go tanning all winter

4. Constantly looking for outs in relationships once the “honey moon” lust phase wore off

5. Constantly attention seeking and working on my appearance to gain compliments from others 

6. Inability to just sit and “do nothing” always needed a goal to achieve or a plan to do to bring some short lived happiness 

7. Living off constant caffeine highs since age 12 

8. Excessive exercise and weight lifting and without it would immediately go into a depression.

 

has anyone been like this before meds or on them and made it through? Currently in withdrawal after 18 years of ssri use (started at age 14). I know these meds can make you crave sugar, alcohol ect. I just know I was like that before I started them. My memories of me as a kid are rapid firing lately and I’m realizing Iv never been happy.

Hey i so relate to this and my answer is YES you will be happy . I chased all those things and now i am booze free, i don't smoke any more,i don't do street drugs any more, i am tapering off the last couple of drugs after nearly 27 years use. I don't drink tea or coffee any more, i don't hammer the gym anymore, i don't eat sugar any more, believe me my entire life as done a 360. Did i ever believe i would be at this place NO. Am i happy? not all the time no because emotions and feelings change its constant changing of emotions but i have such immense gratitude for where i am at. It can be done and the chasing of those external things are to fix yourself to numb how you really feel a band aid. I truly believe you can turn this ship around and this is what this journey is all about.Thank you for sharing because others need to see this and know they aren't alone.

[Ma205]

13 hours ago, pinkfairy said:

Hey i so relate to this and my answer is YES you will be happy . I chased all those things and now i am booze free, i don't smoke any more,i don't do street drugs any more, i am tapering off the last couple of drugs after nearly 27 years use. I don't drink tea or coffee any more, i don't hammer the gym anymore, i don't eat sugar any more, believe me my entire life as done a 360. Did i ever believe i would be at this place NO. Am i happy? not all the time no because emotions and feelings change its constant changing of emotions but i have such immense gratitude for where i am at. It can be done and the chasing of those external things are to fix yourself to numb how you really feel a band aid. I truly believe you can turn this ship around and this is what this journey is all about.Thank you for sharing because others need to see this and know they aren't alone.

wow that’s amazing!! Good for you!! What were you on for 27 years? And thank you so much 

[pinkfairy]

6 hours ago, Ma205 said:

wow that’s amazing!! Good for you!! What were you on for 27 years? And thank you so much 

Thank you. Pretty amazing stuff to consider how I turned it all around. You can turn your life around too.

 

I am still tapering as I endured 2 cold turkeys in 2016 but was then put on more.

On low doses now the benzo @ 0.053mg and I have just put that on hold and started tapering the mirtazapine I am @5.76mg of that.

i was always on high amounts of other drugs. 

But less drug = more me!

 

I am so getting off this I have been tapering for years, safely and rebuilding our life’s along side it.

 

Its a hero’s journey for sure and I don’t intend on stopping until I get off (only to hold that it is)

 

All of this is doable.

 

 

[Ma205]

5 hours ago, pinkfairy said:

Thank you. Pretty amazing stuff to consider how I turned it all around. You can turn your life around too.

 

I am still tapering as I endured 2 cold turkeys in 2016 but was then put on more.

On low doses now the benzo @ 0.053mg and I have just put that on hold and started tapering the mirtazapine I am @5.76mg of that.

i was always on high amounts of other drugs. 

But less drug = more me!

 

I am so getting off this I have been tapering for years, safely and rebuilding our life’s along side it.

 

Its a hero’s journey for sure and I don’t intend on stopping until I get off (only to hold that it is)

 

All of this is doable.

 

 

Great job. Have you had adverse/paradoxical effects from the drugs? 

[pinkfairy]

27 minutes ago, Ma205 said:

Great job. Have you had adverse/paradoxical effects from the drugs? 

I couldn’t answer truthfully as it was a car crash. I thought the drugs were but it wasn’t it was a very injured brain and nervous system with years upon years of abuse.

[Ma205]

3 hours ago, pinkfairy said:

I couldn’t answer truthfully as it was a car crash. I thought the drugs were but it wasn’t it was a very injured brain and nervous system with years upon years of abuse.

were you functioning through all this? I’m barely functioning at all and holding for months didn’t help so I’m continuing to taper. How did you deal with insane anxiety? 

[pinkfairy]

1 hour ago, Ma205 said:

were you functioning through all this? I’m barely functioning at all and holding for months didn’t help so I’m continuing to taper. How did you deal with insane anxiety? 

No I was bed bound, I lost everything house, jobs, my mind,my ex it was truly devastating. 

But I made it all through that.

I learnt coping tools,how to self regulate, I went into therapy (not recommended while tapering) but it worked for me.

How to self soothe as well aaaand surrendering to what was. I used to fight the process and then I would end up in crisis because I wanted it all back to how it was, it was never no going back only forward.

 

Listen to the mods and you’ll get to where you need to be! I didn’t listen to them at first and I landed in a world of trouble.

 

 

Me personally I wouldn’t taper being like that.

months is nothing to hold I held for 2 years and that was the key for me but we are all so very different. What might work for me, might not for you.

 

[Ma205]

22 hours ago, pinkfairy said:

No I was bed bound, I lost everything house, jobs, my mind,my ex it was truly devastating. 

But I made it all through that.

I learnt coping tools,how to self regulate, I went into therapy (not recommended while tapering) but it worked for me.

How to self soothe as well aaaand surrendering to what was. I used to fight the process and then I would end up in crisis because I wanted it all back to how it was, it was never no going back only forward.

 

Listen to the mods and you’ll get to where you need to be! I didn’t listen to them at first and I landed in a world of trouble.

 

 

Me personally I wouldn’t taper being like that.

months is nothing to hold I held for 2 years and that was the key for me but we are all so very different. What might work for me, might not for you.

 

yeah I’m hypersensitive to the drugs I’m on and having paradoxical reactions, so holding isn’t going to work unfortunately. I’m so sorry for what you lost and so happy you are happy now 🤍🤍 may I ask, did you also have hypersensitivities, and awful adrenaline/cortisol rushes and if so when or did those improve

[pinkfairy]

On 10/26/2023 at 5:29 PM, Ma205 said:

yeah I’m hypersensitive to the drugs I’m on and having paradoxical reactions, so holding isn’t going to work unfortunately. I’m so sorry for what you lost and so happy you are happy now 🤍🤍 may I ask, did you also have hypersensitivities, and awful adrenaline/cortisol rushes and if so when or did those improve

Thank you. I had every symptom going, all went for 2 full years.Then i started tapering again and they came back but no where as intense.

[Moe96]

@Ma205 I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom, but like you I’ve been thinking about the way i used to be before antidepressants and I realized that I’ve always struggled. But medication made my problems 10x worse that now i dream of going back to that already flawed state. and if i ever did, I would be very content with it..

[meehai]

On 1/15/2024 at 9:50 PM, Moe96 said:

@Ma205 I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom, but like you I’ve been thinking about the way i used to be before antidepressants and I realized that I’ve always struggled. But medication made my problems 10x worse that now i dream of going back to that already flawed state. and if i ever did, I would be very content with it..

Exactly same.