Nollkoll123 - cold turkey Citalopram 10mg - bad shape

[nollkoll123]

Hello. I'm 32, male, living in Sweden.

193cm(will be an interesting fact when u read my weight loss)

IBS, kind of.

 

Don't know how express myself but this feels like my last shot.

It's gonna be a confusing read so sorry in advance.

 

2011

I'm out of school. I'm nervous and anxious about getting a job.

It's a long time. Start looking, taking internships.

Difficult time within family, there's always something happening. Anxiety over what's next is always looming

 

 

2013/2014

 

In 2013/14(can't remember) I start loosing weight and my stomach issues gets worse.

I get nacious eating anything. Diarrhea on and off, but not always.

Leading up to this I've become sensitive to fat foods. And other various oils.

Since a teenager I've been on omeprazol, I have a hernia in my stomach mouth.

 

I go from 110kg to 66kg(last time I weighed myself) in about 10 months.

I get sent to stomach/liver specialist.

Nothing can be found, tons of tests are done. Get to see the head doctor of the unit and she says "we can't find anything so we are releasing you"

Everyone in family is in shock.

No one has even asked me about anorexia or bulimia, of which I have neither.

Desperate my mom calls the hospital and gets me booked to a professor/specialist dietitian.

He says I have IBS.

He explains serotonin in gut and head. He explains that since I'm not depressed but still show symptoms it might be serotonin imbalance.

 

I start off with one drug I can't remember the name of. Dosnt give effect.

So in comes Citalopram, 10mg.

And it all starts.

 

My memory is lacking. I'm terrible at remembering stuff so...

This is 2014 I think.

I get on it and everything goes well.

Shortly after, I'm about to drive my siblings and mom to a ferry, to Norway. 3h away.(small ferry ride)

The night before I wake up extreme nacious. Feels like my stomach is coming thru my mouth.

I'm sweating and feel a little panicky.

I manage to sleep and wake up feeling ok.

 

(MY SYMPTOMS WHICH WILL BE A RED THREAD THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BEGINS)

We decide that I should drive.

Two hours into the drive I get hot. Sweaty. Puke-feeling from hell.

I have to pull over to cool off.

Now it just gets worse.

I'm slumped over on the passenger seat. Eyes closed. Nacious from hell.

Face and arms goes numb.

It feels like fire/electric in my chest, arm and face. Can't say it's pain but... Maybe.

I remove my shirt and everyone sees how I am literally sweating bullet size droplets from back.

I'm sort of half conscious.

My mom and sisters are all trained nurses. They check breatheing: slow/normal.

Pulse is low, or normal for me.

 

They call an ambulance, goes to hospital and they can't find anything.

Cant remember verdict but I get a tablet of I think some sort of benzo, panic attack?

I don't take it but keep it on my wallet(never used that pill ever).

I'm extremely fatigue after this and we need help to get where we should.

 

 

OVER THE NEXT YEARS:

Life rolls on. Im stable with weight, slooowly gaining. Memory is vague.

Still can't eat everything, learning I have gallstones of which they don't want do anything about.

I have a low paying job, so I live with my old parents. Slowly getting somewhere in life but, mostly it's stagnant.

 

But.

I keep having these "attacks" maybe once or twice a year.

Nothing triggers it really.

Once it was super hot and I'm working hard outside. I get nacious and have to lay down to not faint.

Arms and face goes numb, burning/electric feeling.

Sweating horribly.

What's always happening is that these panic attacks lasts for around an hour. Everytime. And I always have to lay down. I can't walk around, I need to lay down else I puke/collapse it feels like. And it always helps laying down.

I'm never worried or triggering myself to keep having them. I just accept them, often angry as f#$k, but still accepting it.

 

2020.

Ove always had low pay, not working everyday and it's hourly based so I've been living at home with my old parents, in hopes to eventually buy the house.

Jobs gets less and less. It's my brother who provides me with jobs all these years. Very kind of him.

But pandemic times slows it down.

And he decides to take on his son to work for him, so me and another guy gets bumped.

Not the best handle of things but, ok.

This is fall of 2020.

I feel confidence. I feel like "no, no worries, I will find a job".

 

Never had many friends but me and the guy from work who also got let go have been starting to go on hikes and enjoy nature. Good friendship and we both search job and keeps the spirit up.

 

2021

I get a part time job at a shoe factory.

First it's only supose to be one or two days a week.

It becomes 4 days(for one week) then something magical happened.

The ppl I work with see how well little ole me is working and they put pressure on the middle-boss to hire me.

And they do! I feel like wow, in an pandemic and I get an job, wtf happened. I feel super confident and happy.

Job is hard, my body is always tired.

I have one or two panic attacks within the two years I work there. I'm stressed and make a small mistake. It's an easily fixed mistake, but I react as usual. I excuse my self and go home, citing my stomach issues. No one sees my attacks cause I go to toilet or break room.

Sleep for hours when home.

 

In 2022, the summer vacation, I feel over worked. Body really needs the vacation. Up til this we've been working over time to get shoes out.

The fall of 2022 everything changes.

We don't sell the shoes as estimated.

It's uncertain times, layoffs are threatened.

Company wants to reduce pay.

Union steps in. We are on fake life support until January 2023...

This summer I experience an panic attack while out on my electric motocross. I have an crash and mess up the bike a little. I know I can fix it, but what if I can't?

My dad picks me up 30mins later. I load the bike and start to feel panic. We have to stop the car so I can lay down outside the car... I'm a mess. I manage to get home and then sleep the rest of the day.

 

2023.

Me and another one gets laid off.

Everyones sad angry and surprised. I'm the youngest in a sea of eventual retirements.

Oh well. I take it pretty well. Still gonna keep in touch with some.

I have one month left, february.

I'm feeling that I should take a break afterwards. Idk why but feels like sleep is needed.

But just like the first time, magic happens and I get two job offerings by ppl who exit the company a year prior!

I feel wanted. I feel happy.

But...

 

2023 March.

I take this new job.

It's an small factory job. Can barely see sunlight in there.

Everyone is very old and it's like 4 of them. Very repetitive, very mundane(?).

Feels like I'm in the wrong place.

First two days I work they are happy with me. I work as fast as the rest doing my chores. I catch on very well. But I feel off... Something is happening.

 

The third day I begin to shake and can't stop crying.

I'm burning out(idk what English term is. Hitting the wall we say in Sweden. Fatigued/over worked.)

 

Boss is really nice and wants to help.

But Im all messed up in the head so I quit. I want to rest and have nothing looming over me.

 

I contact local medical and they put me on sick leave, so I get some sick pay to survive.

I have trouble sleeping, I feel sad and worried.

A stand-in doctor whom I never meet again prescribes Atarax. 

I'm really against pills.

The years on citalopram I have always wanted to get rid of it due to all the panic attacks.

I take one Atarax and I get anxiety the day after. So I don't want to take them.

Side note; apperently antihistamine is not to mix with citalopram?

 

The coming months I'm irritated.

Stressing over getting better.

Start to worry I might never get better.

 

PANIC ATTACKS BECOMES COMMON

One month in and I'm supose to have an Swedish fika(tea time?) With some from old work.

 I get to the coffeeshop first.

Worried. Anxious. Dunno why really...

What will they say or thing about my burnout.

I wait for them. Is it hot on here?

I start to sweat. Feeling unwell.

Oh no, it's a panic attack...

I breath calmly. They arrive

I'm peaking over the edge, so to say.

I excuse myself, going outside for cold air. Coldness has always had an soothing effect. It doesn't work.

They have just sat down and I have to excuse myself.

I stumble to the car. Can't sit up straight.

I drive fast home.

I collapse on the floor. Same paralyzed arms and face. Burning. Nacious to hell.

Lay on the floor for an hour, eyes shut just waiting til it's over.

After this I go to sleep for 5h.

 

I get this idea that It could help if I start doing my hobbies in the garage again.

I look on marketplace for an big pillardrill of which I need.

It's far away.

I take my pickup truck to go there.

But the car breaks down on the highway close to home. After a while anxiety boils over and I have another attack while being next to the highway... Mission abort.

 

APRIL 2023

I get an horrible flu. I cough and cough so I can't sleep. Felt like I went insane over sleep deprivation.

Somewhere in here my doctor wants to raise my 10mg to 20... I go along but I never do it.

 

MAY 2023

I can still function. I shop, I i do chores etc. I feel worried about getting these panic attacks. Selectivly. 

Sometimes I wind my self up to get them.

Sometimes Its out of the fricken blue. No sense to why.

 

I'm supose to go on a small hike and bbq out in the woods with one of the guys from the fika.

The morning i wake up with tons of anxiety, I feel anxious, try to eat before.

I get so angry cause I feel an attack is coming. But I force myself into just going to him.

It goes badly. The pressure releases and I get an horrible attack again.

He tries to help me but I just need to go lay down. So I drive home again.

I'm so sad right now.

It became that I can't meet my old colleagues without being nervouse, anxious and eventually have an panic attack.

 

BUT... I can still go on my motocross rides. I crash twice in may.

The first time it's a group ride with new people. No nervousness, no signs of anxiety.

I crash, bang up my shoulder and bleeding from elbow.

No panic attack... Wtf?! This should be a prime time to have one.

 

Next time is the end of May.

I crash while making a track for an event we are invited to, to demonstrate the bikes we ride. It's evening before.

Adrenaline makes me feel nothing of the pain. But it's clear I've broken my hand.

I call and they say it's sprained prolly.

Ok.

I go to this event. I become an impromptu instructor.  Volunteer.

I show elder, kids, dad's, moms how to operate the bikes.

It's an huge success.

Both for me personally and for the company that I volunteer for.

I have zero problems. No anxiety. Nothing. I'm confused.

 

Two weeks rolls by and I go to local doctor. He immediately sends me to x-ray.

Broken several bones in hand/wrist.

Damn it...

Two months in a cast and potential surgery cause the bone I broke might not heal(scaphoid, necrosis...)

 

When I get the cast, it's hot and miserable at the hospital. But no sign of sudden attacks.

Even when I'm surprised with the diagnosis.

 

JUNE 2023

After 4 weeks I need to redo the cast. It's smelly and bad. Middle of summer.

I sit and wait. All good.

They remove cast. I'm allowed to move a Little and wash it.

When I bare can move it it hurts and I think "ah, might be a problem"

BOOM panic attack baby!

I excuse myself. I try to lay down in the bath room.

Lights start to flicker. Ffs...

I go back and say I have an attack. They have no room to place me in, but I can lay down at end of the cast room.

The nurse is very nice and calm with me. Asks me questions and all.

I lay there almost puking, sweating and attack is full blown.

Over an hour goes. They give me wet towel, water and all.

I'm immensely grateful.

They redo the cast and I start to sit up.

I'm wobbly.

I manage to exit the hospital and go to car and drive home. Collapse in bed.

 

JULY 2023

In July I go back. And I have yet another episode of anxiety building up and exploding. Doctors tell me arm is doing well. Cast gets off and I get to meet an nice physiotherapist.

He understands my  attacks and while talking to him I feel it disappearing.

 

Now I start to see an therapist for CBT (?)

It goes... Ok I guess. 

It feels very "what's the point".

It doesn't stick, feels like it's not doing me anything. I now have anxiety every time I meet her aswell. But not panic.

 

AUGUST 2023 

Comes and goes. Therapy is what it is, but I start to feel better.

Still panicky, but... Better.

But we talk about getting rid of the SSRI.

I feel like Its the reason for my lack in progress and still having panic on and off. It's better but the attacks are always looming.

One more attack happens, while far away from eating an ice cream on empty stomach.

I'm driving. Pulling over to lay down. Dosnt help. I drive home for one hour an absolute mess. Windows open, ac on blast but it dose not help.

 

SEPTEMBER 2023

I have one more tiny attack, that I can control sort of.

I've been out in the woods, getting tired and hot. Heat is bad for me, can trigger.

When I'm in the car I feel it suddenly start.

But I manage it

At the end of september i decide to quit without talking to doctor. Last call I had he said I should raise again.

 

I read what our medical guidelines says.

2weeks tapering off.

Ok. I take 1/2 a pill one week.

1/4 one week.

 

OCTOBER 2023

All hell breaks loose.

I feel really good for about 4 days being 0 pills.

Then withdrawals I've never experienced before.

I have constant horrible dispair.

Anxiety. Nacious.

Stomach crashes.

During this year my stomach has held up well, nothing to complain about

But now, I'm a mess.

I cry constantly. I unconsolable.

I feel like I'm going insane.

The pressure is nonstop in the chest.

I mostly lay in bed with a comfort bucket to puke in, which I haven't yet.

Everything becomes real; my parents are gonna die, I'm gonna loose the house I'm saving money for to buy.

I'm not gonna be able to take care of myself.

 

I call doctor, he says more ssri.

I call psychiatric thingy(name?)

They say they got lergigan and what not but I need to go thru local doctor to be helped to their facility.

 

Doctor gives no help.

He explains I need SSRI.

 

I fond the Swedish Facebook group of 10%.

Everything gets clearer. But I read that might not be able to reinstate due to time and kindling.

Oh no...

 

Everything is horrible with just a few hours or day with windows of feeling better.

 

New year comes and I have a week of no anxiety but I become depressed.

Which feels better than panic anxiety.

 

Now idk what to do.

I feel abandoned.

I get bo help.

I got liquid Zoloft from another doctor.

I don't want to take it...

 

Feeling anxiety all the time now in the last few days, Im sensetive to impressions.

But I am starting to do a little better, I have to acknowledge that.

But I went to nephue and watch a documentary about a boat fire.

My chest started to hurt, heart was in pain. Perhaps this was an real anxiety attack, a first one of the meds?

I know I'm not going to die, so I tried to stick thru it. But I had to leave.

It felt like all the other anxiety after quitting ssri: like body is constantly stiff and in a fight or flight mode.

Like I'm in danger.

I got no strong wall around me like I used to. Thick skinned is peeling off...

 

Sorry for the rambling but I got super warm and nacious by writing this.

 

Idk what to do.

When will I get better?

Maybe I need SSRI?

Who can I talk to?

Anyone got any guidance?

[Emonda]

Welcome @nollkoll123

 

Thanks for your intro; it sounds like you've been through a bit.

 

Please keep your posts concise moving forward. We are a small team of volunteers, and there are many people here seeking help.

 

Can you help me out by clarifying the following:

1. You've been on 10mg of Citalopram for ~ 10 years, right?
2. Was it September (as per your post) or October (as per your drug signature) that you stopped your AD cold turkey? What was the exact date in September or October?
3. You took 5mg for one week, 2.5mg for one week, and then 0mg, right?

As you've now learned, this site recommends tapering by no more than 10% per month. Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

If you go faster than this, you will likely experience unpleasant WD symptoms: Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

14 hours ago, nollkoll123 said:

When will I get better?

 

You will get better with time and patience, plus learning about some of the strategies listed below.

 

How long? No one can answer that question. We're not talking weeks. For some its months, and others > 12 months.

 

14 hours ago, nollkoll123 said:

Maybe I need SSRI?

 

Please read these links:

 

About Reinstating and Stabilizing to Reduce Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Reinstatement of a very small amount of your AD normally works best within the first 3 months. How long have you been off?

 

Once you confirm how long you have been off, a moderator may be able to suggest a starting dose to reinstate...it will be a very small amount to try and avoid Kindling

 

14 hours ago, nollkoll123 said:

Anyone got any guidance?

 

A few helpful links:

 

Windows and waves pattern of stabilization

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Non-drug coping strategies

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but two that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. Add one at a time and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

Avoid alcohol.

 

Please post any updates here in your thread.

 

Once again, welcome to S.A.

 

Emonda.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SwedishDespair]

@nollkoll123 Hi mister nollkoll!!

Just wanted to tell you I'm a fellow swede (male, soon to be 50!) with a poor history with another SSRI.

I have suffered greatly the last 7-8 months, but not due to taper but rather loss of effect.

I have eaten the pills for way too long.

 

Unfortunately I can't guide you very well, especially when it comes to real help, on site in Sweden and so on.

But this site holds many links to useful information.

Outside this page I recommend names like 'David Healy' (rxisk.com) 'Robert Whitaker' (Mad in America -site) 'Peter Göetszche' (Danish)

"Mad in Sweden" has a couple of swedes mirroring Mad in America-site, and possibly some links to 'on-hand-help' in the gothenburg area (I believe)

 

But my number 1 advice is to educate yourself, and then apply the knowledge onto yourself.

By learning how others do it, you can find things that work for you!

I really hope you can make any sense of this.

Best of luck,

//SwedishDespair

[nollkoll123]

Thank you for answering.

 

Yes, started tapering off end of september, 0 at October 5th.

11th October all hell broke loose.

 

I'm finding it difficult to find help for my specific situation.

Im scared and full of despair.

Its unbareable. Idk what to do, i read and I read and I read and I find just contradictions.

Feels like electricity thru chest and arms. Burning.

 

I'm off the meds since 5th oct, what should i do? 

First doctor I'm furious with. He said there's nothing better than citalopram then months later said citalopram is old and not used. 

Then I ask for lower dosage and he says there is non.(which there is, there's custom pills)

Then i explain im scared of reinstating after such a long time(this talk took place in late November) and he has n clue why I would be worried.

I ask for a lower dose of perhaps something else, a nicer drug, but I get talked into Sertralin 25mg. Haven't taken them.

My doctor moves away and I get another one and over the phone he says there's liquid sertralin Zoloft.

He says I can take half, a 10mg dose.

I'm still terrified of getting reactions of which I need to be hospitalized... Which wont help cause they just give more drugs.

 

I read and I read...

Sometimes I can relate and see patterns. But sometimes it feels like I'm sick on the head, having GAD and what not, cause I've always been worried since I was a teen.

 

Should I just wait?

Should I reinstate citalopram?

Zoloft?

 

I took a multivitami three days ago, haven't taken one in almost a year and I felt a rush of worried/anxiety buzz thru my arms and chest. Been horrible since then

 

 

I just wanna survive this and idk how much more I can take.

No doctor seem to care/understand and the therapist I had felt so misplaced. 

 

I am terribly sorry for my ramblings. I see that they are all over the place but I am in a really bad state now

[nollkoll123]

Just some added info:

 

I don't drink, smoke or any nikotin/tobacco.

 

Up until my burnout in March, i drank one can of coke zero almost 4 days each week. No coffe, never caffeine beside the soda(rarely)

I occasionally had a Powerade and ate an generic multivitamin tablett.

Occasionally candy and stuff.

 

After my burnout while I was on citalopram I could not have Cole zero. I got tingly body, shaky. Anxiety.

I can't take vitamin, get tingly/anxiety attack.

I tried Atarax, antihistamine i think? The day after almost exactly 12h I get anxiety in my chest. 

During Christmas i could eat candy and chocolate. But otherwise I can't have it.

Drank a suggery Christmas drink we have(julmust) and its ok when I'm full of food, but otherwise I get anxiety afterwards.

 

I feel shaky in the morning, before and after breakfast. Checked blood sugar sometimes and only once I've been in hypoglycemia spectra, otherwise sugar seems fine.

Doctors have not taken any blood samples. I got laughed at when I wondered about my blood work.

 

[SwedishDespair]

On 1/15/2024 at 1:54 PM, nollkoll123 said:

Just some added info:

 

I don't drink, smoke or any nikotin/tobacco.

 

Up until my burnout in March, i drank one can of coke zero almost 4 days each week. No coffe, never caffeine beside the soda(rarely)

I occasionally had a Powerade and ate an generic multivitamin tablett.

Occasionally candy and stuff.

 

After my burnout while I was on citalopram I could not have Cole zero. I got tingly body, shaky. Anxiety.

I can't take vitamin, get tingly/anxiety attack.

I tried Atarax, antihistamine i think? The day after almost exactly 12h I get anxiety in my chest. 

During Christmas i could eat candy and chocolate. But otherwise I can't have it.

Drank a suggery Christmas drink we have(julmust) and its ok when I'm full of food, but otherwise I get anxiety afterwards.

 

I feel shaky in the morning, before and after breakfast. Checked blood sugar sometimes and only once I've been in hypoglycemia spectra, otherwise sugar seems fine.

Doctors have not taken any blood samples. I got laughed at when I wondered about my blood work.

 

I am super scared to withdraw, I'va only tried it once, super slow over 18 months, but I crashed hard, like you, but I was at 25% of dose then.

My advice to you is to stay at 0 now that you been there some months.

It is NOT easy. But the chance of you reaching better health, is unfortunately through no drugs.

 

Don't see it as something bad if you have to contact or visit mental health ER. Just be cautious to point out you want help to getting off SSRIS and want them to help menage the side effects of withdrawal. They might deny withdrawal but stand your ground, you have no history of mental issues. You had stomach issues. These pills are potent (starka, nästan toxiska, in Swedish) Strange phenomenon you experience now, that never occured before the citalopram MUST be assumed to be from withdrawal. But asking mental health ER to help you without reinstating is your right. 'M ER' has other options like 'anti allergy' sedatives. They can help calm you down. And even other, stronger pharmaceuticals, can be administered temporarily. You do not form habits from taking emergency pills. You are aware of the dangers.

 

[nollkoll123]

5 hours ago, SwedishDespair said:

I am super scared to withdraw, I'va only tried it once, super slow over 18 months, but I crashed hard, like you, but I was at 25% of dose then.

My advice to you is to stay at 0 now that you been there some months.

It is NOT easy. But the chance of you reaching better health, is unfortunately through no drugs.

 

Don't see it as something bad if you have to contact or visit mental health ER. Just be cautious to point out you want help to getting off SSRIS and want them to help menage the side effects of withdrawal. They might deny withdrawal but stand your ground, you have no history of mental issues. You had stomach issues. These pills are potent (starka, nästan toxiska, in Swedish) Strange phenomenon you experience now, that never occured before the citalopram MUST be assumed to be from withdrawal. But asking mental health ER to help you without reinstating is your right. 'M ER' has other options like 'anti allergy' sedatives. They can help calm you down. And even other, stronger pharmaceuticals, can be administered temporarily. You do not form habits from taking emergency pills. You are aware of the dangers.

 

I hope I don't have developed GAD or crippling anxiety...

I mean, I've done so well over just the past 10 years, with jobs, networking, talking to ppl and being upbeat and sort of happy...even tho it's been few battles with chemical like panic attacks.

I'm still leaning to that the attacks are completely not created by me, if so to say. 

Its like if I felt the slightest excitement/nervousness it would crash my nervousystem. 

 

Im scared how I will survive without a job now. I've been sjukskriven till end of January and I guess there's an understanding that I'm supose to be on Zoloft the next time I meet my new doctor...

 

I'm striving to feel calmness and getting a job and just continue with life, which have been ok til I ended the med sin October.

After October its been bad almost 24/7.

 

But I've manage to meet some old colleagues without panic, and i need to remember that.

 

Much appreciated of the peptalks. I need everything 

[SwedishDespair]

49 minutes ago, nollkoll123 said:

I hope I don't have developed GAD or crippling anxiety...

I mean, I've done so well over just the past 10 years, with jobs, networking, talking to ppl and being upbeat and sort of happy...even tho it's been few battles with chemical like panic attacks.

I'm still leaning to that the attacks are completely not created by me, if so to say. 

Its like if I felt the slightest excitement/nervousness it would crash my nervousystem. 

 

Im scared how I will survive without a job now. I've been sjukskriven till end of January and I guess there's an understanding that I'm supose to be on Zoloft the next time I meet my new doctor...

 

I'm striving to feel calmness and getting a job and just continue with life, which have been ok til I ended the med sin October.

After October its been bad almost 24/7.

 

But I've manage to meet some old colleagues without panic, and i need to remember that.

 

Much appreciated of the peptalks. I need everything 

Like I said: I'm not the best to give advice.

 

But I know these pills can cause many, many strange behaviour/phenomenon/illnesses

 

I have been on these pills for so many years, I've read so many comments about them, I've had email correspondance with many sufferers all over the world.

For 14 years I took the pills without even questioning them. Until I one day, by chance, I 'translated' what 'paroxetine' was called in America: "Paxil"

And when I googled "Paxil", my life almost came up in every result.

 

When it comes to doctors in Sweden the denial is strong. They often don't want to talk about if the pills cause problems.

I avoid doctors, but I feel forced to seek help from them. It is a 'catch 22'

 

There is no worse feeling than panic attacks, they bring me to my knees, completely.

 

I gave up my life the day I started the pills, something I later found out is known as "care-less-syndrome". Nothing was important anymore, nothing felt inspiring and exciting.

The doctors just called me 'depressed'.

I know today it was the pills.

 

That is why I urge people to stop these pills.

I wish I had more to give, or say, but I honestly hope you fight back.

Fight, because your life is worth it.

[Dahlia50]

Hi @nollkoll123

Just wanted to say I am in a similar situation as you. Wasn't feeling well the past few years on SSRI and had weird attacks and felt numb. Went to a therapist and everything but nothing helped until I figured out that it probably had something to do with the medication.

Made dose changes and then had a paradoxical reaction/adverse effect. Tried to get help from psychiatry to taper down but they dont know much about it. Stepped down from 50-25 (via Dr, was too much). Then at the end Dr said I was taking so little that I could go from 12 mg to 0 (in October). Felt ok for a week then severe symptoms started. After 2 months all hell broke loose with post acute WD, much worse than anything before. Today is 5 months off. I recognize myself in much of what you describe. Stress without work/sjukskrivning.  Tried to get help from doctor who wanted to try 2.5mg citalopram after 4 months. Reacted badly so stopped after few days. I tried to get less dose but they don't understand WD. So now without meds with a body in horrible WD/fight flight mode. How many years did you take SSRIs? 

[Dahlia50]

How are you now? 🙏

[SwedishDespair]

Just a short note. How are you? Things working?

 

I'm still in a low place.

[nollkoll123]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry I have not replied.

Thanks for even caring and asking ❤️

 

It's been bad but it's going slowly better.

Atleast withdrawal might be fully gone, kind of.

Hard to tell.

It's been so much to reflect on.

How I might be as a person, with and without 10mg...

Am I a GAD person that has been helped with 10mg for the past 10 years?

I try to remember who I was, but ComeOn; somewhere along the line I must have grown and changed 😅

 

Some weeks it's all good and happy.

I'm making progress with planning for work in may.

Fixing stuff around the house.

And then it can crash, and I feel like noones caring.

Unfortunately due to experience I know what some ppl think of me and when I get confirmation by the lack of contact, even when I instigate contact, I spiral and get anxiety.

Or well... Idk if it's anxiety.

 

It's weird. It's like something is missing. Like I can't be fully happy. Like the good serotonin boost or dopamine or something - it never comes.

Think of it as u're a kid in a new school and u hate it.

U wanna go home.

But I'm real life, not even home feels relaxing.

I've been stressed by helping my old folks.

Heat system broke and no money is around. And I get so locked on in fixing it I burn myself out.

 

I see it as crying over spilled milk.

I feel like an spoiled brat.

Ppl are homeless, in domestic abuse or dying all over the world on wars and what not...

And here I am not being able to be happy.

I do fun stuff, but as I harp on about; it never settles and feels calm.

Always slightly storming inside.

 

I should be happy with the little I got but... Why can't I?

I feel like ppl are tired and exhausted by me. The help and care I have given out over the time I've been alive is definitely not something I've gotten back, which feels rly heartbreaking 

 

It's alot to write, but...

It's not all bad.

I basically have zero panic attacks.

I can move relatively freely, In stressed situations I think my only reaction is a normaly stressed.

 

I do not see any reason to go back on meds, but I'm scared I got some GAD-brain or depressed brain that isn't really healing...

 

Thanks again for caring, it warms the heart!

[Alfred1977]

Hi nollkoll123,

 

I can relate to what you are writing...anxiety, SSRI withdrawal, old parents, loneliness, not finding your place in life and the fear of failure and unemployment. I also like the way you are writing/telling your story...this was very engaging and imaginative. It somehow made me forget for a moment about myself and I felt like being with you in Sweden. So if you write more, I would like to read it.

 

All the best

Alfred

[SwedishDespair]

@nollkoll123 But that is still good news to us outside your dilemma. "Full recovery" within 1 year is just a dream, but you have had a good start. Like so many say on this site: enjoy the upsides, deal with the downsides.

All people go up and down in their mood. So many things of what you write about is a total success (from my perspective), most often it takes a long time to reach a point where one believes not to be affected anymore.

And also, this fight is your fight, what outsiders think or not cannot be your priority. It is hard to influence outsiders, it is hard to describe to people when not even doctors believe in you. So don't try.

 

Slow and steady progress is the alpha and omega. I truly wish you the best.