zebra: I need urgent advice

[zebra]

As you can see from my drug signature, i've made a huge mess with my escitalopram taper and started doing things according to doctor's orders. On February 28th with the dose increase (was gaslit into thinking i need it and was in a bad place and panicked) I lost my memory and stopped sleeping. Have been in fight or flight since. I was hospitalized on March 15 with severe anxiety & insomnia. My drug was stopped immediately as i told them what caused it.

 

I stabilized at the hospital and left after one week drug-free and relatively stable. During this time i got okay sleep as well. I felt fine from March 20 to 28. I was discharged but started getting worse again and now I am back at the hospital. I have never been in a psych ward or anything like this, was put on SSRI when i was young and had situational depression/anxiety from a bad living situation.

 

I have been getting worse on my second stay here, intense fight or flight, horror, overwired, hypersensitive nervous system, extreme anxiety, sweating, feeling unreal. They want me to start taking neurolepts next for insomnia but i'm refusing. I've been getting by on the Imovane and Opamox but i do not want addiction, which might already be formed. The sleeping pill already stopped working as well.

 

Should i go home and try to reinstate a small amount of escitalopram? The one month window is closing and i don't know what to do. This is such a mess. What do i do with the benzos?

 

I was drug free besides my small dose of escitalopram until January and doing well, then i allowed the doctors to gaslight me into thinking i need a higher dose again and that my slow taper was nonsense. Now i am suffering so much and can't function and taking more and more drugs. Is my best bet trying to reinstate? I do not want to go down this route to add more drugs to the mix, but i am feeling unbelievably bad and fear i will get psychotic without sleep. Please please help me if you have any advice!

 

I am definitely hypersensitized, my body is locked in fight or flight, i also have dysautonomia from before this messing with my medications. Doctors don't believe i'm very sensitive to drugs and think it's a pathological fear of drugs and i just have GAD and severe depression. But I am not depressed and this is not GAD, i've lived with it for 20 years and it's nothing compared to this. Is there any way for me to get back to normal or is this going to be it for me? I have small windows of relief but infinitely more moments that feel like torture.

[Emonda]

Welcome @zebra

I'm sorry to read your story.

 

23 hours ago, zebra said:

My drug was stopped immediately as i told them what caused it.

 

When ADs are stopped CT, unpleasant WD symptoms are the likely outcome: Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

Your taper prior to the CT was way too fast and would have caused WD symptoms, too: Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

23 hours ago, zebra said:

intense fight or flight, horror, overwired, hypersensitive nervous system, extreme anxiety, sweating, feeling unreal.

 

These sound like typical WD symptoms to me.

 

23 hours ago, zebra said:

They want me to start taking neurolepts next for insomnia but i'm refusing.

 

I'd completely understand why you'd refuse.

 

23 hours ago, zebra said:

Should i go home and try to reinstate a small amount of escitalopram?

 

I'm not a doctor and can't tell you what to do, but your through process seems sound to me.

 

I can share a link with you on reinstating your AD. Make sure you read both links, as when people reinstate at too high a dose; it can cause problems (kindling).

 

About Reinstating and Stabilizing to Reduce Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Kindling

 

23 hours ago, zebra said:

What do i do with the benzos?

 

If they've been taken consistently for ~3 weeks, you may have developed a dependency....I can't say. Your signature says you took a benzo for 3 weeks, then stopped for around 3 weeks before starting something else. How'd you feel when you stopped? @LotusRising (sorry to tag you), do you have any thoughts on the Benzo?

 

A few other helpful links:

 

Windows and waves pattern of stabilization

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Non-drug coping strategies

 

Melatonin for sleep

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but two that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. Add one at a time and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Avoid alcohol.

 

This is your own Introduction topic.  Each member has only ONE Introduction topic.  Your own Introduction topic is the best place to ask questions and the place to journal your progress.  This keeps your history in one place and means you do not have to repeat your story. 

 

Once again, welcome to S.A.

 

Emonda

[zebra]

Thank you so much Emonda! I am having a window of clarity after around 20 hours of terror. There is so much gaslighting and pressure to start quetiapine which i know won't work and then they'll start more drugs. During these clear moments i must make a plan to survive. Today i told the nurse about my suicidal thoughts so I am not sure if i am allowed to leave anymore.

 

I have this few hour window thanks to oxazepam even though it's bad to take it. I have been taking it every day for 8 days now and my dose is increasing. I will correct my signature. My condition has worsened day by day during my hospital stay. Last time when i was off benzos i felt fine for around a week. Anxiety waves but tolerable. i've never had mental illness like this and no-one besides my dad believes it started on the same day as my abrupt drug change and this is not mental illness. I have severe memory issues now. I know reinstatement is a risk at this point but i feel it's my only chance at surviving. I need to try to calculate the dose... i think i was last stable at 5 mg but i am so oversensitized that i should maybe take 1/10 of that or less?

[LotusRising]

Hi @zebra

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I understand it can be quite alarming and frustrating.

 

Just to clarify about the benzo -

 

You took it daily from Feb 28-March 21 and then stopped it. Did you taper?

 

You restarted it 8 days ago? Daily?

[zebra]

Thank you LotusRising! Yes, i took it every day but not at regular times. I did not taper. Suddenly around the 17th of March i felt better and stopped taking everything according to my signature. I felt good for around 10 days and the same hell started again and i got myself readmitted and got back on benzos without realizing what was happening.  i have been taking them chaotically but mostly no more than 7,5 mg a day.