Lindy01

[lindy01]

Hi I'm new here and looking for much needed peer support. I am currently off 15mg escitalapram since March 2024. I am really struggling. I cold turkeyed due to being tried on Multiple ssris due to a poop out of citalapram after 14 years. From 2020 till March 2024 I have taken almost every ssri with included lithium and tricyclic lofepramine. Nothing worked only made me much worse. Hence the reason I just stopped not my finest moment. I just need to know there is hope for me I am nearly 60 and im terrified that im too old to heal. My life is in turmoil anxiety constantly depression all terrible bodily sensations, ringing ears sore muscles, intrusive thoughts panic attack hot n cold flushes to name but a few. No appetite so eating what I can when I can. 

I also have no support as all my friends say is get back on the meds. I am strong but suicidal urges are weighing heavy on me. I still use diazepam intermittently when it gets too bad. I plan to wean off this at some point but feel my body has been shocked enough atm. I also have to use 6 cocodomol tablets daily due to severe sciatica also on hrt. Please please can someone offer me some hope the I will get through this. I was so naive and just stopped thinking as the meds were making me so ill it would be best knew nothing about tapering. Thanks to whoever reads this. I do not ever want to go back please is there any hope 🙏 

Edited June 20 by lindy01
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[Catwoman73]

Hello @lindy01, and welcome to SA!  We are a community of volunteers providing peer support in the tapering of psychiatric medications, and the associated withdrawal syndromes.  

 

If you could kindly complete your drug signature by clicking this link, we would appreciate it.  Please include all medications and supplements you are taking, and what you can recall taking from the past, to the best of your ability.  You can reference my signature below for an example.   This will help us know how to best assist you.  Once we see your drug history, with specific start/stop dates, we may be able to provide some suggestions.  A couple of specific questions in the meantime- was the escitalopram one of the drugs that made you worse?  Or did you feel somewhat better on that?  And when did you stop the Citalopram due to poop out?

 

I want to assure you that there is absolutely hope for you!  The nervous system is always adjusting, and always healing, even when it doesn't feel like it.  Your nervous system has been through a lot over the last four years, and you are likely very destabilized as a result, and therefore experiencing very normal withdrawal symptoms.  

 

Please click on this link to understand how psychiatric drugs remodel your brain.  Understanding this will help you make sense of what your nervous system has been through, and why you are struggling so much now.  

 

Your nervous system does seem to be screaming for stability at the moment, and I do have some concerns about you taking diazepam, even intermittently.  The answer to psychiatric drug withdrawal symptoms is virtually never more psychiatric drugs- they just serve to de-stabilize you further.  How often are you taking this?

 

As for your other drugs, the ones you take routinely- now is absolutely not the time to taper them or mess around with dosages.  You need stability right now in order to get these withdrawal symptoms under some semblance of control.  

 

As you stabilize, you will have periods where you feel better, and periods where you feel worse.  This is known as the windows and waves pattern of stabilization.  I would strongly recommend keeping a symptom journal, rating each of your symptoms on a scale of 1-10 for severity each day.  This can help you see the patterns.  Are you currently experiencing any windows/periods of reduced symptoms?

 

Stabilization takes time.  I would suggest that you start working on some non-drug methods of coping with the emotional and physical symptoms.  Here are some useful links regarding what might help:

 

Non-drug methods to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easting your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

I have also found gentle exercise to be very helpful- just don't overdo it!  Walks, gentle swimming, gentle yoga are all wonderful. 

 

In terms of supplements, we only recommend two here at SA- magnesium and Omega-3 fatty acids.  Be aware, however, many of us become very sensitive to all sorts of things in withdrawal, from medications and supplements to the foods we eat!  When trying new things, it's best to start small- very low dosages to see how you react.  

 

Hang in there, @lindy01- I know it feels like this will never get better, but just keep repeating to yourself that we are ALWAYS healing.  That's what we are designed to do!  As humans, we have to work very hard not to heal.  Try some of these non-drug methods of coping- make that your job right now.  You WILL get better! ❤️‍🩹

 

 

 

[lindy01]

Hi thanks so much for your response. I do want to taper the diazepam but am in such a hole at the minute 😫. I had it today and last dose was 2 weeks ago. I swear I'm getting withdrawal from it too! My doc wont give me anymore so I'm not sure what to do about this. As you say my system is in absolute chaos! I am also using fish oil n 2 magnesium tablets. Just so scared atm. I am experiencing glimmers of feeling better then it goes away v quickly. My mind is mashed. Escitalapram like all the others just made me much worse especially with extreme anxiety n low mood. Citalapram pooped out in 2020 after 14 years.  n this is where my nightmare began. I kept taking everything that was given to me in the hope it would help. I cannot remember specific dates (sorry). All the drugs I listed i was on for months. 2 stays in a psych ward left me more traumatised than I was when I went in also it was during covid. Not a good decision from me which still haunts me! I have lost everything my career n friends n even my family are so d*ck 9f listening to me. I do walking n on the bike but notice if I do too much it does set me back. I even get thoughts that I'm afraid of being well! Comes with all the symptoms what is that about!! As I said I worry because I'm nearly 60 my brain chemistry won't go back to normal and that any change will take forever. I am not sure how to change my drug history but ill try. Many many thanks for your input so good to speak to someone else who understands. GP told me I wasn't in withdrawal n gave me 15mg mirtazapine with ibtook for two nights then came to my senses as I am confused that maybe this is the depression and anxiety as a relapse. I have never experienced anxiety like it its like its on steroids!!! Hope I've not babbled too much x

[Catwoman73]

There's no such thing as babbling too much!  Talk away- that's what we're here for!

 

Since your nervous system is so destabilized, the diazepam may give you some temporary relief, but it is harming you in the long run.  Every time you throw another psych drug into the mix, it's almost like your system has to start its healing over again.  These drugs, especially when used intermittently, will just continue to destabilize you.  It's best to avoid these meds altogether, and start learning the non-drug methods of coping that I previously provided links for.  They all take practice.  Getting well is WORK.  But you can do it- you are NOT too old, and there is a new you waiting on the other side.  I know you're scared, but it WILL get better.  It will just take time and patience.   

 

As for your GP- well, there are very few MDs out there who have any comprehension what withdrawal looks like.  They too are victims of the pharmaceutical industry, who continue to say that withdrawal from these meds is 'mild, and short lived.'  Sadly, we're the ones paying the price for these lies.  What you are experiencing is absolutely withdrawal, and the result of being on a psych drug merry-go-round for the last few years. Your stays on the psych ward are a result of this as well.  I'm guessing that you were switched from one drug to another with either no tapering, or rapid tapering- this is a recipe for disaster, and that is why your body is rebelling now. Tapering needs to be done over many months, even years in most cases, in order to minimize withdrawal effects.  If you haven't ever done a proper taper, like the 10% of current dose every four weeks method that we recommend here, you will almost certainly suffer the consequences. 

 

The fact that you are seeing glimmers of relief is an EXCELLENT sign of healing. Read that sentence again, because it is absolutely the truth.  That is the windows and waves pattern of stabilization that I provided the link to in my previous post.  If you haven't read the link, check it out.  Keeping a symptom journal, with your symptoms rated on a 10 point scale can help you recognize these windows when they happen, and help you look back over time to see how far you've come. Here is a link to a symptom tracking checklist that you can use for reference.  Use this one or make up your own- whatever works for you: Daily checklist of antidepressant withdrawal symptoms

 

To complete your drug signature, just click on the following link, fill in the box with as much info as you can remember about what you have taken and when, plus any supplements you are taking.  Then click SAVE!  That's it.  That gives us a visual to see where you've been, and helps us find ways to help you. Here's the link: Your drug signature.

 

Hang in there... I know it's tough, but you can do it!  ❤️‍🩹

 

 

[Farm24]

6 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hi thanks so much for your response. I do want to taper the diazepam but am in such a hole at the minute 😫. I had it today and last dose was 2 weeks ago. I swear I'm getting withdrawal from it too! My doc wont give me anymore so I'm not sure what to do about this. As you say my system is in absolute chaos! I am also using fish oil n 2 magnesium tablets. Just so scared atm. I am experiencing glimmers of feeling better then it goes away v quickly. My mind is mashed. Escitalapram like all the others just made me much worse especially with extreme anxiety n low mood. Citalapram pooped out in 2020 after 14 years.  n this is where my nightmare began. I kept taking everything that was given to me in the hope it would help. I cannot remember specific dates (sorry). All the drugs I listed i was on for months. 2 stays in a psych ward left me more traumatised than I was when I went in also it was during covid. Not a good decision from me which still haunts me! I have lost everything my career n friends n even my family are so d*ck 9f listening to me. I do walking n on the bike but notice if I do too much it does set me back. I even get thoughts that I'm afraid of being well! Comes with all the symptoms what is that about!! As I said I worry because I'm nearly 60 my brain chemistry won't go back to normal and that any change will take forever. I am not sure how to change my drug history but ill try. Many many thanks for your input so good to speak to someone else who understands. GP told me I wasn't in withdrawal n gave me 15mg mirtazapine with ibtook for two nights then came to my senses as I am confused that maybe this is the depression and anxiety as a relapse. I have never experienced anxiety like it its like its on steroids!!! Hope I've not babbled too much x

Fish oil made all my symptoms worse. Increased neuropathy for me. 

[lindy01]

Hi thanks for your response ill maybe try not taking it for a while see how it goes. It really is a mine field. I hope you are doing well. Many thanks x

[lindy01]

9 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

There's no such thing as babbling too much!  Talk away- that's what we're here for!

 

Since your nervous system is so destabilized, the diazepam may give you some temporary relief, but it is harming you in the long run.  Every time you throw another psych drug into the mix, it's almost like your system has to start its healing over again.  These drugs, especially when used intermittently, will just continue to destabilize you.  It's best to avoid these meds altogether, and start learning the non-drug methods of coping that I previously provided links for.  They all take practice.  Getting well is WORK.  But you can do it- you are NOT too old, and there is a new you waiting on the other side.  I know you're scared, but it WILL get better.  It will just take time and patience.   

 

As for your GP- well, there are very few MDs out there who have any comprehension what withdrawal looks like.  They too are victims of the pharmaceutical industry, who continue to say that withdrawal from these meds is 'mild, and short lived.'  Sadly, we're the ones paying the price for these lies.  What you are experiencing is absolutely withdrawal, and the result of being on a psych drug merry-go-round for the last few years. Your stays on the psych ward are a result of this as well.  I'm guessing that you were switched from one drug to another with either no tapering, or rapid tapering- this is a recipe for disaster, and that is why your body is rebelling now. Tapering needs to be done over many months, even years in most cases, in order to minimize withdrawal effects.  If you haven't ever done a proper taper, like the 10% of current dose every four weeks method that we recommend here, you will almost certainly suffer the consequences. 

 

The fact that you are seeing glimmers of relief is an EXCELLENT sign of healing. Read that sentence again, because it is absolutely the truth.  That is the windows and waves pattern of stabilization that I provided the link to in my previous post.  If you haven't read the link, check it out.  Keeping a symptom journal, with your symptoms rated on a 10 point scale can help you recognize these windows when they happen, and help you look back over time to see how far you've come. Here is a link to a symptom tracking checklist that you can use for reference.  Use this one or make up your own- whatever works for you: Daily checklist of antidepressant withdrawal symptoms

 

To complete your drug signature, just click on the following link, fill in the box with as much info as you can remember about what you have taken and when, plus any supplements you are taking.  Then click SAVE!  That's it.  That gives us a visual to see where you've been, and helps us find ways to help you. Here's the link: Your drug signature.

 

Hang in there... I know it's tough, but you can do it!  ❤️‍🩹

 

 

 

[lindy01]

Hi catwoman thanks so much for your response it really does help. I have just been advised that im low in foliate and have to take folic acid. I hope im ok and that does not set me back. Farm said fish oil made them worse so now im afraid thats not helping me. Ill try leave it for a few days see if there is any difference. It really is hard. I know recovery is work as I've been here for years trying not to exit the building! I really had no idea. I get angry with myself as I should have known as all the time taking the meds I was very unwell with worsening symptoms and no relief. However I kept going thinking it was side effects and all would be ok. How bad is that! I do keep a journal in my phone so thanks for your suggestion. I will try not to take diazepam n face whats coming. Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement. I find the crippling depression the worst part how do you deal with that when it pops up. How far along are you on your journey? I also find it has taken a great toll on my marriage and family and not in a good way. Mornings are the very worst and when I do feel a glimmer I am hopeful but it never lasts. I find the naysayers difficult to navigate as all they say is you need to just get the right meds and you're not doing anything to help yourself!! But no matter what I have to keep on keeping on. X

[Catwoman73]

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

 I have just been advised that im low in foliate and have to take folic acid. I hope im ok and that does not set me back. Farm said fish oil made them worse so now im afraid thats not helping me. 

B vitamins can be activating, but if you need to take folate for a medical reason, it has to be done!  You may want to start at a low, sub-therapeutic dose, and work your way up.  And taking it in the morning might be wise, so it doesn't affect your sleep.  As for the fish oil- maybe stopping it for a few days could help you tease out if it is activating for you.  I can't take fish oil (I'm vegan), but I will say that I find magnesium quite activating, which is the opposite of what it is supposed to do!  Our nervous system does crazy stuff in withdrawal!

 

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

I get angry with myself as I should have known as all the time taking the meds I was very unwell with worsening symptoms and no relief. However I kept going thinking it was side effects and all would be ok. How bad is that! 

This is the kind of thinking that can be very hard to set aside, but it's important to work on letting go of being angry with yourself.  Now is the time to be very gentle and understanding with yourself instead.  You trusted your doctors when they put you on these meds, and we SHOULD be able to trust our doctors!  We make the best decisions we can for ourselves at every given moment, and with he info you had at the time, trusting your doctors was the best decision you could make.  Don't beat yourself up over that!

 

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

I find the crippling depression the worst part how do you deal with that when it pops up. I also find it has taken a great toll on my marriage and family and not in a good way. 

This is hard, and takes a lot of work to deal with.  I find that when the negative spirals happen, it's helpful to challenge every single thought with the question, "is this really true?"  If I feel like I'm not worthy of love, I ask, "Is this true?"  And the answer is, well, no, it's not true- I'm a genuine, kind, thoughtful person.  Of course I'm worthy of love.  I'm just going through a difficult time right now.  And I have to do this over and over and over sometimes.  But that's ok- this is how we re-train our brains.  It takes time and a great deal of patience, but eventually, our brains start to rewire themselves with a different belief system.  You provide the framework by changing the ruminating, negative thoughts into more positive ones, and then you have to trust your brain, that it will do the healing work.  It does work- I am, overall, a very positive person now.  But it's taken two years of constantly challenging these thoughts to get here. 

 

I nearly destroyed my family with my last antidepressant stop- I tapered three drugs all at the same time over four weeks.  I spent seven years in absolute hell.  And it was incredibly brutal on my husband.  I gave birth to my daughter in that period, and I won't even get into how awful that whole experience was.  We somehow survived.  Communication is key.  Sit down, and talk to them.  Explain everything you've learned.  Explain why you are choosing not to continue to seek further medications.  And tell them what they can do to support you.  That's important- they are not mind readers, and it is very hard for them in the face of so much uncertainty. 

 

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

How far along are you on your journey? 

I am only seven months into my journey this time, but this is not my first rodeo.  I've come off of these meds many times, and kept going back for more lol.  This will be the last time though.  I've learned a lot, and will not be putting my nervous system through this ever again.  I expect I have many years of healing ahead of me, but I find the journey very exciting, and can't wait to see who I am on the other side!

 

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Mornings are the very worst and when I do feel a glimmer I am hopeful but it never lasts. 

I also have long covid, and I often have a moment in the mornings where I wake up feeling good.  It doesn't last either, but I've made it my mission to try to draw out the good feelings.  It has taken some work, but I find morning mediation, before I get out of bed, can help make it last.  Gentle exercise, like a meditating walk (by this I mean focusing on your surroundings as you walk- if you start ruminating, just acknowledge the thoughts, and then pull your self back to focus on your surroundings again) can be very helpful.  I also swim in the mornings, but I have the luxury of having a pool, so that's easy for me... but gentle swimming is so incredibly calming, and makes me feel good ALWAYS!

[lindy01]

Hi catwoman thanks so much for your response it really does help. I have just been advised that im low in foliate and have to take folic acid. I hope im ok and that does not set me back. Farm said fish oil made them worse so now im afraid thats not helping me. Ill try leave it for a few days see if there is any difference. It really is hard. I know recovery is work as I've been here for years trying not to exit the building! I really had no idea. I get angry with myself as I should have known as all the time taking the meds I was very unwell with worsening symptoms and no relief. However I kept going thinking it was side effects and all would be ok. How bad is that! I do keep a journal in my phone so thanks for your suggestion. I will try not to take diazepam n face whats coming. Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement. I find the crippling depression the worst part how do you deal with that when it pops up. How far along are you on your journey? I also find it has taken a great toll on my marriage and family and not in a good way. Mornings are the very worst and when I do feel a glimmer I am hopeful but it never lasts. I find the naysayers difficult to navigate as all they say is you need to just get the right meds and you're not doing anything to help yourself!! But no matter what I have to keep on keeping on. X

[lindy01]

Hi again I really don't want to take anything that is activating I might just leave the folic for now n try in a couple of weeks. Doc says to take for 3 months but I cant if its activating! I took magnesium last night n have found im feeling more anxious today but its so difficult to tell. I think what I'll do is just leave any supplements out for now see how I go. Everything terrifies me. Last couple of days have been v difficult with nausea and headaches along with everything else. I'm so so tired of this but got to keep at it. You're so lucky to have a pool! No need for that here in Scotland. Yea and the slightest bit of stress kicks everything off. I'm sorry you've had such a slog but you sound upbeat which is good. Not a good day today. Thanks for getting back to me x

[Catwoman73]

2 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hi again I really don't want to take anything that is activating I might just leave the folic for now n try in a couple of weeks. Doc says to take for 3 months but I cant if its activating! I took magnesium last night n have found im feeling more anxious today but its so difficult to tell. I think what I'll do is just leave any supplements out for now see how I go. Everything terrifies me. Last couple of days have been v difficult with nausea and headaches along with everything else. I'm so so tired of this but got to keep at it. You're so lucky to have a pool! No need for that here in Scotland. Yea and the slightest bit of stress kicks everything off. I'm sorry you've had such a slog but you sound upbeat which is good. Not a good day today. Thanks for getting back to me x

Maybe try increasing foods that are high in folate for now, like dark green leafy veggies, fruits, nuts, beans.  Meat as well, though it's not my go to, as a vegan lol.  A super healthy, whole foods diet can only help you in the long run.  I know it's not cheap to eat that way- heaven knows, I almost need to take out a loan to afford groceries most weeks- but it's a worthwhile investment in your health!

[lindy01]

Hi yes thats what I'm going to do. I hope you are doing ok today and are doing well in your healing journey. I did something silly earlier n took a sickness tablet which defo made me feel completely c#@p! Going to give myself a few weeks off the fish oil too. Only then will I know. Defo no more magnesium it also makes me itch 😫! It is incredible how things affect you. I suspect as my food intake has been low that will be contributing to the blood results. I've been trying to make better choices but believe a little of what you fancy does you no harm! Thanks again luv for all your help! X

[Catwoman73]

3 hours ago, lindy01 said:

I did something silly earlier n took a sickness tablet which defo made me feel completely c#@p! 

Yup- live and learn, right?  We all do silly things on our journey from time to time.  It happens- all we can do is move forward. 

 

I'm going to move your PM here @lindy01, only because conversation is best kept to the public forum.  If I were to get hit by a bus or something, heaven forbid, I would want the other mods to be able to answer your questions.  Here's what you sent me:

 

'Hi me again getting myself in a right tizzy. I'm really freaking out about not taking anymore valium. As I have used it not loads but over these past four years I have taken it not regularly but it has been prescribed for panic. I'm wondering if I should speak to the doctor and do a taper as when I took it yesterday I was at the end of my rope. But now I'm thinking it was probably withdrawal from it as I hadn't used it in weeks. That said the gp won't give me anymore what do you suggest I do. I want to ride it out but am not sure 😢 sorry to be a pain x'

 

First off, you're not a pain.  You're going through a very difficult period in your withdrawal, and that's when we need the most support.  We absolutely can't tell you what to do, all we can do is provide education.  And I'm going to repeat it here, because you may need to hear it a few times- intermittently taking any psychiatric medications to treat the effects/withdrawal from other psychiatric medications is most definitely NOT recommended, as it continues to destabilize you.  It is going to be very ROUGH- benzodiazepines are no joke, and have terrible withdrawal effects.  But riding out the withdrawal, and using the non-drug methods of coping that I recommended earlier will get you to your goal much faster than if you keep taking these meds. If you keep taking diazepam every time it gets rough, it's like starting over, and erasing any progress your brain has made towards healing. 

 

Your GP is absolutely right to not give you anymore, and I'm actually glad to hear that.  Diazepam is extremely habit forming, typically within a few doses, so it's good that he's not looking to keep you on them long term.  You are more than welcome to speak with your GP about how you are feeling, but I can tell you EXACTLY what he's going to say.  He will say that your current state is a sign that you need to be on an antidepressant long term, and will probably put you right back on one of the meds you were unable to tolerate, or try yet again something else.  That's all medicine has to offer.  More pills.  And the problem is, the more on again off again you are with these meds, the worse the withdrawal gets every time you come off.  Some who have visited this forum have opted not to come off the meds after all, and that's ok!  But I get the feeling that you do not want to be on them.  If that is the case, you need to ride it out.

 

Some people get some relief from severe by reinstating a very small dose of an antidepressant that was previously well tolerated.  I really don't think this is a good option for you however, as the only one that you have ever really tolerated is citalopram, and you stopped that four years ago.  Reinstatement is best done within 3 months of stopping.  So, unfortunately, like I said above, I think you'll have to ride this out. 

 

I hope I don't sound cold... I only want you to truly understand your options.  Once you have been on these meds, in order to get off of them, the only way out is through- you must go through the withdrawal.  It WILL get better.  Practice the non-drug methods of coping that I sent you- that is your job right now.  Practice practice, practice some more!  Challenge your negative thoughts!  One thing I found super helpful was writing out a journal of my life story- all the crap I have been through in my life.  My goodness- once I saw what I had survived, it truly helped me believe that there's no way a little pill is going to take me out.  It really helped me see the strength within.  You have that strength, too, @lindy01- and you will learn to tap into it with some time, patience and some hard work!  Sending hugs!

[lindy01]

Catwoman thankyou so so much for making me see sense! It is so very hard and I had no idea what I was in for as I truly expected to stop the meds and all would be well! Call me naive or stupid. My daughter has autism which is incredibly difficult and I worry that because my environment is extremely stressful that I won't recover. I will do this I am strong and as you say all I can do is ride it out. I need to stop complaining and get it together. Thanks again x

[Happy2Heal]

hi,

it's ok to complain! sometimes it helps to vent, 

other times it may not

 

I am 68 years old and I can tell you, even us older folks DO heal!
if you look at my  signature you will see that I was drugged for over 4 decades- usually a mix of 2 to 4 drugs at a time and almost always at high doses

Not once did any dr taper me off of a drug to switch me to a new one

Not once did any dr ever LOWER a dose or suggest stopping something (without adding something in it's place)

many of the drugs I was on were given to try to control side effects of other drugs

 

 

It was  challenging but I made it thru and you will too. You seem to be quite a strong woman and a very bright one as well

 

it's all going to be ok. not easy perhaps but recovery will come, you can be sure of that.

 

 

You got this!!! 

 

 

 

[Catwoman73]

57 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Catwoman thankyou so so much for making me see sense! It is so very hard and I had no idea what I was in for as I truly expected to stop the meds and all would be well! Call me naive or stupid. My daughter has autism which is incredibly difficult and I worry that because my environment is extremely stressful that I won't recover. I will do this I am strong and as you say all I can do is ride it out. I need to stop complaining and get it together. Thanks again x

Complain away!  Sometimes it feels good to get it out.  And I don't think we do ourselves any good by burying our feelings.  That's what got me in this mess in the first place lol!  I wasn't really allowed to express my feelings as a child, so I never learned healthy emotional expression.  I buried everything until I couldn't, and I fell apart.  Over and over.  For 30 years.  Now I have finally learned better coping mechanisms, and I will never allow myself to live like that again.  So...  If you need to get it out, this is the place to do it. 

 

You aren't stupid or naive.  We are all in this mess because we believed what our doctors told us- the meds will help, and the side effects, etc are minimal.  Even our doctors were deceived by the pharmaceutical companies, who just keep saying that withdrawal is mild and short lived!  We are all victims.  You are not alone in that.  It doesn't pay to think badly of yourself- what you need right now is to be kind and gentle.  You deserve that.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that things are so stressful at home.  That is tough.  I have a 15 year old who has her share of mental health challenges, so I understand how all-consuming having high needs kids can be.  This is where those non-drug coping mechanisms come in.  And don't hesitate to put yourself first when you really need to.  I know as parents, we are always putting our kids first.  It's just what we do!  But you won't be any good to her if you aren't taking care of yourself.  So self-care is your number one priority right now!

 

[lindy01]

Hi happy to heal wow thankyou so much for this post! It has given me hope!! I am so fed up just now as I have a holiday planned with my kids and do not want to let them down. I had no idea I would feel this bad as the meds defo did not work for me in the end and I like you was never tapered or given advice. I'm absolutely terrified that ill be the one person who will need to exist like this forever. It doesn't help when my family and friends (not all) don't get it n say get back on the meds. Many thanks again x

[lindy01]

Thanks catwoman I'm not sure how to reply to the posts individually but I really mean it when I say thankyou x

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, lindy01 said:

I'm absolutely terrified that ill be the one person who will need to exist like this forever. It doesn't help when my family and friends (not all) don't get it n say get back on the meds. Many thanks again x

 

don't worry, I don't know of anyone who did not heal. 

You're going to be ok

 

the symptoms of withdrawal recovery aren't fun but they are not going to last, they will get milder and milder as time goes on

and then- poof! they will be gone!

 

you'll of course have the normal ups and down's of life but withdrawal will end and you will be recovered.

 

do you recall why you first went on these drugs?

 

ah unless they have gone thru what we have gone thru, most friends are not going to understand.

They will almost all think that what you're going thru means you really needed the drug and urge you to go back on it

 

We can't really blame them for not understanding- the vast majority of drs who prescribe these drugs don't believe in withdrawal and even those who acknowledge it, minimize it and don't believe it can last as long as it sometimes does.

 

don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who can stop these drugs and not have any issues.
When I was younger, I was able to stop some of these medications with no problems that I ever noticed.

 

The SSRIs seem to be some of the hardest drugs to stop.

 

 

ah at nearly 60 I would imagine your kids are all adults now...?  so don't worry about them, they'll understand. Maybe they can help you out at times.

 

 

the feeling of terror is just what your brain does while it's healing, it's an awfully crummy thing, but it does mean you're healing.

try not to attach any meaning to these feelings

It's hard, it's like your brain is telling you there is something to be afraid of but THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

it takes some practice to remind yourself that the odd feelings and thoughts are just products of a brain that is a bit out of sorts and upset that you stopped the drug you had been on for a long time,

and now your brain is trying to adapt to that big change.

 

just remind yourself, there is nothing bad happening. It feels bad but that does not mean there is anything bad or scary happening

quite the contrary, we've learned that these are the most common signs that your brain is doing exactly what it needs to do

HEAL

 

our brains and our bodies do this for our entire life. They are always working towards health and healing.

 

You're going to be ok. You really are!

 

 

[lindy01]

Thankyou so much! I started the meds as I had a panic attack and couldn't shift thoughts in my head. I became depressed 😔 I think! Took citalapram for 14 years went to university and life was ok. But looking back things were wrong before the train hit and I was faced with poop out. I have spent the last four years on and off multiple drugs which made me worse. Hence the reason I stopped like an idiot!! X

[Happy2Heal]

hi I got your message and will reply here as it's best to keep all your information in your own thread, I won't be around much soon- having surgery, so this way the moderators and other mentors know what's going on 

 

you wrote:

"Thankyou so much but as you'll understand i cannot see a way out atm. I took the diazepam for relief not realising it was probably withdrawal from it. Now im in an even bigger hole! Christ the sensations are like the devil himself being inside you how the hell do I accept it and push through. I've already spent years on the drugs feeling like absolute crap then this! It really is not fair. I'm doing my best to fake it every day and my husband, best friend think its impossible thst I'm getting withdrawal. So I'm really on my own. I'm angry that I took diazepam as its not helped made me much worse. Did you want to die cause I certainly do but I've promised myself no matter what I will not do this. Can you please give me some tips on how to cope please? I can imagine how unwell you were if my situation is like yours. I hope you don't mind me messaging you and thankyou it means the world. I have now realised that valium has to go plus sickness tablets. I still need to take medication for extreme sciatica but it seems I'm ok with that. I'm not eating much or sleeping very well. I'm happy that you're doingvwell god I wish it was me! Did you feel like me it would help me to know. I just feel pressure from everywhere to be better especially myself. I'm 13 weeks off ad and one day from diazepam I never used that regularly but I think I've read too much n scared myself about the withdrawal. Many thanks again lynda x"

 

please understand that this is a volunteer peer support forum, we are not medical professionals or mental health professionals.

The forum is full of tips to help you cope with this but if you're feeling desperate and suicidal you will need to find in person help.  I hear you saying that you're feeling that desperate but have promised yourself you won't act on those feelings and that is a big relief, But in case you continue to feel this way, this may help

 

 

as you can see above, many of us have felt that way while going thru WD recovery, you are not alone. I felt this way myself.

 

please stop berating yourself for decisions you've made, we all would have done things differently if we had only known! hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

No sense looking back, you can't change any of that.

please stop scaring yourself, you are not doing your fragile nervous system any favors

it is important that you stay away from negative things, your brain in it's current state is less able to block those out. so avoid them- it's a good idea to not watch the news, to walk away from friends who are not supportive, or to at least not share what you're going thru with people who can't understand and who are not able to help.

 

even when friends and family Do seem to understand, there is only so much they can do

 

it is awfully unfair, but doing most of the work of recovery is up to us.

 

going forward, the way you get thru this is one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

 

as difficult to believe as it may be, most of us have gone thru the same hell, or something extremely similar, just different perhaps in the order symptoms arrived, but the fear, panic, insomnia, digestive upsets, people not believing us and not being helpful, the anger at how unfair this is, that we were not warned of the dangers of these drugs in advance, the frustration that the medical system has almost nothing to offer in terms of helping us get off these drugs, and on and on

 

EDIT 
I had written my answer to your question "Did you feel like me it would help me to know." in detail but decided it would not be helpful for you to know the details

 

I can tell you unequivocally YES I did feel like you. and maybe worse, esp regarding sleep. but you don't need to know the details

as you later said that you were afraid you have scared yourself about withdrawal. I don't know what you read that scared you but my story could sound scary so I've edited out the details.

 

the end of the story goes this way, however:

I knew at that point** (**finding out that a drug that had helped me in the past was now making things worse, in my case that drug was zyprexa) anyway at this point, I knew

that I was going to have to get thru this by pulling out every ounce of strength I could  muster.
I got very depressed (I had not been depressed before this, the fear and panic were the main symptoms) and that led into a period of feeling nothing at all, 

which was annoying, but in a way it may have been protective - as that desperation was gone, I finally had come to acceptance

 

acceptance does not change what it is happening, BUT it did free up a LOT of energy for me to deal with the symptoms day by day,
No one can tell you how to get to acceptance, no one can show you the value of it, it's something you need to get to and do on your own

 

we can only tell you that it makes the journey a lot less stressful, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to believe that and try to go with the flow, totally up to you

 

we may mention it often as it is so helpful but the choice is always yours

 

 

so the answer to your question is not very comforting in the present moment, I know

we get thru this one minute at a time

that is how we cope

 

we go thru the self help threads and try all sorts of different things and find what works for us. I was resistant at first, as I was so used to just taking a pill to make things better, look, over 40 years of having drugs forced down my throat, shot into me or having drs literally beg me to take these pills, had me convinced that the solution for everything came in a pill bottle or by ingesting something

 

but once I was open to it, I found that things like these helped me:  relaxation tapes, yoga, xi gong, mediation, walking, getting out of the house and around people, being out in nature, LITERALLY taking a walk and look UP, on purpose, that was amazingly helpful, even just plastering a smile on my face, would help to lift the gloom, when I was going thru that period, you do whatever helps you with the symptom you have at the time.
if something stopped helping, I went on to something else

 

these are things we can not do for you= you need to try them on your own and see what works

 

but know that what you are going thru now, 

it does end, it does get better, you need to hold onto that and just white knuckle it til relief comes

but I want to assure you that relief does come, healing does happen

 

it is a very huge challenge getting thru it

 

sadly we all know this from the same experiences you are having now

 

there is light at the end of the tunnel

 

It may seem hard to believe but you will get there too.

 

 

 

Edited June 22 by Happy2Heal
removed potentially triggering account

[lindy01]

Happy to heal again all my thanks and gratitude to you. I hope your surgery goes well and you heal in record time!

I never slept last night and today is just a case of surviving a minute at a time! It reassures me that you and others felt this complete and utter hopelessness as I said I will never leave this life by my own hand. I have plastered on a smile gone to the shops and took the dog for a wee walk. Not much but least im showered and up. I put all the valium in the bin so I'm not tempted to take them. 

I'm due to go away next week with my girls and im determined to go. I do use acceptance but find it difficult on days like today but I keep on trying by repeating to myself I am healing. That's why I'm annoyed with myself for taking valium as I've just set myself back! That's what I'm scared of is what I've read about benzo withdrawal!  I feel everyone is so tired of me but not much I can do about that. I find my friend is very judgemental about my decision and says things like you're not doing anything to help yourself. She has taken meds forever so thinks I should just keep trying different families of ads. Therefore I don't even say its withdrawal she thinks its the illness. I'm never going back no matter what. I'm going yo try meditation again can you suggest something. The feeling I find most difficult to deal with is when I want to crawl out of my own skin I know this is chemical anxiety as I never felt it before. Anyway sorry for going on n on. Thanks again for replying. I hope your surgery goes really well ill say a prayer for you x

[lindy01]

Hi is there anyone I can talk to today feel like im losing the plot 

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

Hi is there anyone I can talk to today feel like im losing the plot 

Hello 👋 I'm open for a little chat. I'm in a small window so I don't mind talking for a bit.

 

What is weighing you down at the moment?

[lindy01]

So depressed anxious n hopeless feel like ill never get better thanks for responding. Thanks x

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

3 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

So depressed anxious n hopeless feel like ill never get better thanks for responding. Thanks x

I know the feeling intimately, I was there just a couple of days ago when in a difficult wave. It's a darkness I wish upon noone.

 

I've been through some very difficult waves and other issues since last January and what I can tell you with utmost certainty is that they won't last. They will come, wash over you, increase in intensity and slowly go away. They won't last, but you will last. You will last and come through on the other side. But when you're in it, it feels like forever and that you're never going to improve. But that's only a story your mind is telling you, things are changing all the time, that is for certain.

 

When you're heavily in it and suffering it's important not to get sucked in. If you can't stand it, distract yourself, any way that isn't more drugs is OK. I've been walking buttloads the last months, 10000-15000 steps a day in nature and by the water. Nature is calming and healing and light exercise helps your mood. I'm not telling you what to do, but you might have to think out of the box to find the coping methods that will work for you when you're in the thick of it. Coming on here to have a nice bit*h and moan also helps, getting support and understanding also helps.

 

It can be awfully lonely in withdrawal, but on here you're not completely alone.

 

Hope this helps.

 

-WBHT

[lindy01]

Thanks so so much its just so hard isn't it. Yesterday my mood was better but this anxiety is like its on steroids. I cant handle to horrid sensations but it helps to know im not alone in it. I just don't have any motivation to do anything but I do try n keep the house going etc. Before when I was in this place I'd take diazepam which helped but not now. I'm so used to popping a pill to feel better. I have started seeing a holistic therapist so learning techniques to calm myself. I find the depression really difficult. When you're in a window is it brief mine are. I have no appetite so suppose that not helping. Thanks again it means so much to spk to someone who understands and not say I need to go back on meds! Thankyou! Lynda x

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

You don't have to go back on meds, there is nothing wrong with you and another AD probably won't help you right now either way

. But you're heavily in withdrawal and that is very painful. As you said the anxiety is on steroids, I have never experienced anxiety as I have now in withdrawal.

 

I'm glad to hear that you binned the Benzo and trying to cope without it. Staying on it any longer would have led you to a world of hurt. But I can imagine not having that extra crutch is making everything extra difficult. 

 

It's good that you're seeing a holistic therapist and finding alternative methods to cope, that will serve you well in the coming chapters of this journey.

 

My windows are brief and usually in the mornings and evenings. My situation is a bit different, because I was able to reinstate. But my nervous system has been destabilized by a bad taper and med switches so it isn't all too happy at the moment. I'm living day by day, but my baseline is slowly improving.

 

Wishing you all the best @lindy01.

 

 

 

[lindy01]

I am early into this journey arent i? No ill never take antidepressants again. I tried for 4 years to reinstate with multiple drugs never tapered once!  So ended up going ct I think I'm having inner akathasia as I've never experienced anything like this feeling but not anything I can do about it. The pain is incredibly hard to deal with. I was doing tiny bit better n then it all went n back to being slammed with symptoms n sweats but I don't need to tell you as i imagine you are the same. Its criminal what these drugs do to our nervous system! I'm sorry you're going through it too! What do you do when your symptoms are at their worst? I cant talk to my family as they're sick if listening to me complain! I am sorry for going on I really appreciate you 

[Catwoman73]

1 minute ago, lindy01 said:

I am early into this journey arent i? No ill never take antidepressants again. I tried for 4 years to reinstate with multiple drugs never tapered once!  So ended up going ct I think I'm having inner akathasia as I've never experienced anything like this feeling but not anything I can do about it. The pain is incredibly hard to deal with. I was doing tiny bit better n then it all went n back to being slammed with symptoms n sweats but I don't need to tell you as i imagine you are the same. Its criminal what these drugs do to our nervous system! I'm sorry you're going through it too! What do you do when your symptoms are at their worst? I cant talk to my family as they're sick if listening to me complain! I am sorry for going on I really appreciate you 

You are early, and have quite a journey ahead of you!  That's ok- every single day is s step towards recovery.  And you're not alone- have a look at my signature.  This is my first ever proper taper.  In 30 years!!!

[lindy01]

Thanks catwoman I'm full of admiration for everyone on this site. This feeling is like being in the pits of hell do you ever have something like it. I am sorry as I know everyone is going through it I feel such a whimp. All I've done today is look for success stories even though I cant see a way out! Sorry again but i do appreciate your time x

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

20 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

I am sorry as I know everyone is going through it I feel such a whimp. 

Your nervous system has been through an awful lot the last 4 years. You're in withdrawal and not feeling well. Yes, there are many of us on here in varying degrees of destabilization and in withdrawal. But you're not a wimp, don't downplay what you're going through. Try to give yourself the gift of compassion, the same compassion you feel for your family. Try giving a little to yourself.

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

What do you do when your symptoms are at their worst? 

I walk, I breathe and if I have the time I come on here. Mostly I wait, knowing that something better will come. When it will come I don't know. Time will heal us all. 

 

Take ten deep breaths, really feel your belly through the in and out breaths. Slow and deep from 1 to 10. Nothing else has to be done. Only breathe. Nothing else.

[lindy01]

Thanks so much wbht I'm doing allbthat I want so bad to scream but that will only stress my system more. I'm going to try eat something as not eating n that won't help. I'm going on holiday on Monday and I so don't want to go but can't let my kids down. For now I need to plaster a smile on no matter how bad it feels! Many thanks again. Is it ok to stay in touch. Takecare x

[Catwoman73]

Hi @lindy01- I hope your holiday is going better than expected!  Let us know how you're doing on your return!

[lindy01]

Hey thanks for checking in! Were not away till early hours Monday if I go! Have a few personal issues to go along with everything else! I hope you're doing well. X