Emerald's Intro

[Emerald]

I've been reading posts on this site off and on and now it's time to finally introduce myself. I'm sorry to say I waited until a desperate time to do this, but that's my situation. I'm in bed sick again, missing yet another day of work due to anxiety/depression.

 

My story is long - 18 years. I had a fairly difficult childhood and adolescence, so in my mid 20s I could have used some really intense CBT or some kind of counseling. Instead, I took the easy route of taking antidepressants. I was so mortified to admit that I was depressed that I first tried Elavil and used the excuse of IBS (which now I'm learning is actually closely related). The side effects were bad so I was experimented upon with a few different ones - Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Effexor.

 

After maybe a year I gave up on them (can't remember why) and then panic disorder set in. Back then SSRI withdrawal was unheard of so I just assumed I was stricken with a lifelong disease and started on my life sentence of Celexa. To be honest it felt like a godsend. Before it, I was having about 4-5 panic attacks a day, and was becoming afraid to drive or be in crowds. After Celexa the panic attacks reduced to maybe once or twice a year.

 

So all of these years I've put up with weight gain and other side effects to avoid panic attacks. I tried reducing the dose a few years ago but depression set in so I increased the dose again.

 

This January, after knee surgery I developed full-blown panic disorder again, even while on Celexa. At that point I figured it wasn't working anyway, so I decided to taper off. I probably did it too fast, because I was done by mid-April.

 

I did fine with the taper until I got to 2.5mg. At that point I slowed down but I still wanted to get it over with. My first week at 0mg was horrible - headaches and horrible dizziness and anxiety. I think the dizziness finally stopped about the end of May. I'm actually wishing the dizziness were still around, because now I don't know if my problem is withdrawal or just illness. At least the dizziness was a clue.

 

There is some good news - I'm not having many panic attacks at all anymore. I used this book to overcome the panic attacks: Treatments that Work: Mastering Your Anxiety and Panic.

 

So now, my problem is crippling anxiety. I was supposed to manage a meeting of about 40 people at work today, but yesterday was a fairly stressful day (more about my inability to handle the slightest stress later) and this morning I woke up so physically ill from anxiety that I was afraid to go to work. My anxiety builds upon itself because I'm ridiculously independent, so the thought of losing my job kicks off quite a downward spiral (homeless, losing my pets, my boyfriend, etc...). I feel like I'm failing because this meeting was no problem for me before.

 

If you've made it this far and have a minute for some advice, my burning issues are:- How do you get by with missing work? Should I tell my employer about this mess?- How do you know this isn't just mental illness vs. withdrawal? I'm thinking of re-instating.- Are there side effects when re-instating?

 

Thanks so much for listening - I hope that I can contribute as much as I've already gained from this forum. Let me know if I should post any parts of this intro in other sections.

[dunerbug]

The way I know, for myself, it's withdrawal and not illness, is that things are much worse and I have new symptoms. 

 

I have always had some anxiety and have struggled with ocd pre-prozac.

 

Since withdrawing, the old stuff is much worse and all the new symptoms started after prozac.

 

Just think back to before and you'll get your answer.

[Emerald]

The way I know, for myself, it's withdrawal and not illness, is that things are much worse and I have new symptoms. 

 

I have always had some anxiety and have struggled with ocd pre-prozac.

 

Since withdrawing, the old stuff is much worse and all the new symptoms started after prozac.

 

Just think back to before and you'll get your answer.

 

Thanks, dunerbug - that's a good point. It has been 18 years so it's tough to remember, but I'm pretty sure I didn't spend entire days in bed, afraid to go anywhere. Just writing that feels like I'm writing about somebody else.

[Jemima]

I'm sorry to read that you're suffering so, but what you're going through is most likely withdrawal.  Since you've been off the drug almost two months, reinstatement is risky, but it might help to alleviate your suffering.  Here's our topic on reinstatement so you can read it and mull it over:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

In summary, reinstatement means going back on a very small dose of the drug, stabilizing, and then tapering off very gradually to minimize symptoms.  After two months, though, it's possible that you would feel worse for a time.

 

I don't know what to tell you about your job.  Few doctors believe that there is any such thing as prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, so it might be difficult to get medical backup.  Most doctors will simply try to drug you up again.  If you do have a doctor you can trust, it might be best to request medical leave. 

 

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find lots of solid information and friendly support here.

[Emerald]

I'm sorry to read that you're suffering so, but what you're going through is most likely withdrawal.  Since you've been off the drug almost two months, reinstatement is risky, but it might help to alleviate your suffering.  Here's our topic on reinstatement so you can read it and mull it over:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

In summary, reinstatement means going back on a very small dose of the drug, stabilizing, and then tapering off very gradually to minimize symptoms.  After two months, though, it's possible that you would feel worse for a time.

 

I don't know what to tell you about your job.  Few doctors believe that there is any such thing as prolonged antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, so it might be difficult to get medical backup.  Most doctors will simply try to drug you up again.  If you do have a doctor you can trust, it might be best to request medical leave. 

 

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find lots of solid information and friendly support here.

 

Thanks, Jemima. I think I'll try reinstating with 5 mg tomorrow, and I'll see if I can find a doctor that understands. I didn't even tell my GP I was tapering because she (actually, they - it's a group of doctors and I've seen 4 different ones in the last few years) barely knew why I was taking it to begin with. I had just been refilling scripts for years. Are there any lists or recommendations of doctors that understand withdrawal?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Emerald.

 

5mg is far too much! I would try 1mg, stabilize, and redo that last little bit of the taper.

[Emerald]

Welcome, Emerald.

 

5mg is far too much! I would try 1mg, stabilize, and redo that last little bit of the taper.

 

Oh, wow, okay. I haven't taken any yet today as I'm still not sure I want to reinstate, but if I do, I'll go with 1mg. Thanks!!

[Emerald]

I thought it would be a good idea to provide an update since I know so many people want to know how the taper goes and when things will get better. I'd like to say that things just got better for me, but I had to give in and completely reinstate. I went to a psychiatrist who put me on 10mg of Lexapro, which after about 3 months finally brought me back to normal so I could leave the house without being horrified. He also gave me Klonopin which I think has really been my lifesaver. I know all too well how addictive it is though, so I take it in tiny doses only when I absolutely need it, maybe up to 3 times a month. The psychiatrist wanted me to take .5 mg twice a day - I'm so glad I had been in these forums to know that was a bad idea.

 

So my plan now is to try again, but at a ridiculously slow pace, like years. I've started with going from 10 to 7.5, which I know is a big drop, but when I did this before I was fine until I got to the smaller doses. The difference this time is that I plan to stay on each dosage for months, and my next drop will be a much smaller percentage.

 

I don't think everyone will have this experience - I had been on Celexa for 18 years. I still believe I can do it, though, and at least bring myself down to as small a dosage as possible, even if I have to take 2 mg for the rest of my life. That's better than 10. I'll keep you posted, but it will be slow... 

[Altostrata]

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing, Emerald.

 

Please reconsider going from 10mg Lexapro to 7.5mg. Having suffered withdrawal symptoms was a big trauma for your nervous system. Please treat it gently with smaller decreases, even 5%. That would mean going from 10mg to 9.5mg.

 

Smaller decreases are more gradual and safer than larger decreases with longer holds.

 

Lexapro comes in a liquid for convenient titration. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/406-tips-for-tapering-off-lexapro-escitalopram/

[Emerald]

I have to ask for a refill tomorrow so I'll ask for the liquid. Thanks again for everything you do here!

[Emerald]

I'm thinking it's time for another update. I've been down to 5 mg of Lexapro since June, and I'm planning to just stay there for a while. I have a lot of major life changes (generally good ones but still major) happening so I don't want to taper anymore until things settle down. I'm feeling a lot more stable these days, although I have been dealing with the usual winter depression, and sometimes a little anxiety. Nothing like when I was dealing with withdrawal before. I probably only take .125 mg of Klonopin once a month now. I also haven't noticed as many physical symptoms as before. I might have a really minor brain zap in the morning sometimes but either it's so minor or I'm still half asleep that I'm not really even sure it's happening. No weird internal tremors or pounding heart like before.

 

My plan is to try tapering again in maybe a year, and then it will be sooo slow. I know that the second 5 mg will most likely be way more difficult than the first. I'm still thinking this will take years. The good news: I've dropped 20 pounds and my sex life is much better! So the problems that bothered me the most about being on the AD are lessened already. This makes it a little easier to be patient about finishing the taper.

 

Best of luck to everyone who's trying to do this - it's a bear. If there's ever a lawsuit, sign me up.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, Emerald. Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

[Emerald]

Hi all. I've been a member here for many years but I don't post a lot. I just wanted to give this update about my taper because I know how helpful it is to see how it goes for others. A little background: I was on SSRIs for 18 years and tried to taper in about 3 months in 2013. It was a complete disaster. I ended up with crippling anxiety to the point of agoraphobia and several missed days of work. So I reinstated with the intent to taper more slowly.

You can see by my signature just how slowly. So far it has been a much better experience than last time, but I still have symptoms and still feel, well, not myself sometimes after each taper. The once-a-year dosage drop seems to be working. I don't seem to have physical symptoms until a few months after each taper, which is consistent with my 2013 meltdown. So now, instead of crushing symptoms 3 months after a 20 mg taper, I have minor symptoms 3 months after each couple of milligrams I taper. The symptoms are just annoying; mostly dizziness right now. I do still have some anxiety now and then, but it's nothing compared to what I had last time. I still occasionally take a little bit of Klonopin, which is a lesser evil right now. I'm lucky enough to have found this forum before I was prescribed Klonopin, so I know not to take it on a regular basis, and I'm not worried about dependence on it.

If you're tapering more quickly than I am, I don't want to scare you. It might be okay for you. I think I had big problems because I was on the SSRI for so long. I do recommend, though, if you've been on them a long time, slow is the way to go. The first time I tapered, I just wanted to be done with it. This time, I've decided that a few years of tapering won't be the end of the world, and it's way better than the alternative. Don't get me wrong; I'm still furious that I'm addicted to this stuff, but I've accepted this process and I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

[nz11]

Emerald thanks for the update. Glad you are having a much better taper experience.

How do you feel about doing the survey on withdrawal difficulties. 

Maybe you have already done it.

[Emerald]

Yes, I did do it. I'm glad to see they're studying it.

[Emerald]

Time for another update! I haven't been keeping track of my taper very well over the last year, but I went from .125 mg Lexapro in April of this year to 0 mg in August. Things are going better than last time, but some of the WD symptoms are still there: anxiety, insomnia, dizziness. Once again I'm getting the super mild brain zaps that I'm not even sure are brain zaps, but something is going on. Every now and then I get the weird feeling I call internal tremors where it feels like I'm shaking but when I look at my hands, I'm not. I'm actually thankful for the physical symptoms because they show me that it is withdrawal, not a return to a pre-SSRI anxious state. I'm posting today because I've been up since 3:30 am with anxiety. This is not so much because I need support (although that's welcome) but more to let people know how a super-slow (4 years!!) taper can go. The good thing is because I had a terrible crash and burn the first time I tapered, this time I know what to look for and I don't get freaked out as much by the symptoms. I'm super lucky in that I work from home now so I don't have that extra anxiety of trying to pretend like everything is okay at my office job. Still, no fun. At this point, I'm just wondering how long it will take for these symptoms to go away. I'm pretty committed to toughing them out this time.

[jozeff]

Thanks for your update Emerald! Just met you and your story. Wonderful how you managed to taper and make your life worth while again.

Started reading your 2013 story and was very curious how you managed to work things out.

 

I'm on citalopram myself (18 mg). Very luckily I bumped into this amazing website and stopped my too fast a taper in time.

 

I'm really happy for you that your doing fine!

 

I hope you will be med free soon and you will feel great again about yourself. Manageable anxiety, sadness and anxiety are ok and just normal. The crippling fear you (and I) had is absolutely not normal. I never had this anxiety before taking citalopram.

 

Wish you the best from the Netherlands!

 

 

Jozeff

[Emerald]

Thanks Jozeff!  I'm experiencing some symptoms now but since I'm completely off the Lexapro, I'm hoping they will fade away now. 

 

I'm glad you stopped your quick taper! It's so much better to just take as much time as you need.

 

Thanks for your comment about the crippling anxiety. It's so important for me to know that others didn't have that kind of anxiety before the medication either, and that it doesn't mean you need to be on the medication for the rest of your life. I've had really good doctors that I really trusted that believed that I was just an anxious person. 

 

Best of luck to you!