traumatized80: looking for encouragement

[traumatized80]

 11-30-2013, 03:00 PM  #1

traumatized80

 

Join Date: Nov 2013

Location: PA

Posts: 13

Kindling or adverse reaction to SSRIS

Here is my long but very terrible story:

I would like to make you aware of a very serious and life threatening condition that I unfairly had to endure for close to 15 months. The condition is SSRI induced SEVERE Akathesia. It is my impression that you may not be familiar with this condition as it pertains to SSRI use or “kindling.” I come to this conclusion because I was reinstated on Lexapro (generic) in October of 2012 for situational depression and mild anxiety. 

Subsequently, i had this unspeakable and tourtuous reaction. It was then stated that this reaction was increased anxiety and depression and the medication was changed to Lexapro – name brand. One day turned into the next and was filled with 15-20 panic attacks each day and the inability to sleep, drive, listen to music or stand without my heart rate raising to well over 150. Believ ing that Pychicians have a oath to do no harm just as I do as a RN I continued to think that I had severe anxiety and no severe depression. I chose to go to another facility in hopes that they would be better able to help me with this . I explained that I was not sleeping, which was a huge change considering prior to the medication I loved to sleep! I explained that I would pace and pace and felt this inner turmoil and restlessness that I had never experienced in my life. This doctor prescribed Zoloft to me. I explained my concerns and was reassured that is was not the SSRI's because I had been able to take them in the last (5 years prior) and that Ativan would be added. It was explained to me that 75% of people had anxiety when starting SSRI's and that it would subside with the right one. 

With hesitation I took the medication. After the first dose I was unable to sit still, my onlymotion was a rocking motion over and over until my hips and calf muscles hurt. I then would burst in to tears. I stayed awake for four days. Began to be scared of shadows and movements of anyone in the house. I could no longer watch TV or suft the web. My heart beat out of control often at over 180 bpm when standing up. I was dizzy and had a burning over my body that I can only think the internal gates of Hell must feel like. I started be become disossiative and suicidal. I have a sense of impending doom I could never explain to you. I took the Ativan in hopes it was exactly what the ordering phycian had stated, “ anxiety.” I believed at this point I was completely insane. I begged for my husband to take me to an inpatient facility in which he did. I was admitted for 4 days, My cries were not heard once a gain and I was treated as if I just had a huge case of anxiety and panic with now what was diagnosed as a “major depressive episode.” 

I explained at this point that I thought it was the medication but, was quickly told that they were prescribing Paxil and Klonipin and if I did not take it I would be “ 302'd” Considering I was/am a RN and did not want that I decided to take the medication. My heart rate rapidly increased. To over 150 standing. I felt agitationed and scared for my life. I knew I had to get out of there. I was able to convince her to release me. I went straight to another facility thinking they would see this monster for what it was. I spent 7 days there. I did not sleep, I hardly ate, I was dissociative, I was now seeing numbers floating around and began to think I was schizophranic. I had no answers. The doctor there spent less than 5 minutes with me each day. He prescribed Neurotin to me on the 6th day. My hands and feet swelled up and when that happened he said he was sorry he couldnt help me and discharged me the next day. I was then medically hospitalized for my heart rate instability. One arrythmia after another with no clear explaination as to why. I would not sleep unless knocked out my IV Ativan. Once it started to wear off I was freaking out again, legs left like they were on fire and my whole body had to move.

My brain felt like it was melting and I was paranoid and scared of EVERYTHING. I was oriented the whole time. Which in a sense makes it that much more tragic. I was put on a small dose of a beta blocker. They could not give me a high dose because my BP would drop. I was discharged and told to see counseling. I did this. Two weeks later I had not slept, ate, or showered. At this point I was terrified to shower for fear that my heart would exploide. I layed on my parents couch and would fall asleep for 5 minutes at a time to be awoke but an adrenalin rush like no other. M y whole body hurt and I cried out al lday everyday. I wanted to die. I truly felt like I was in a state of fight of flight for months and noone could help me from my hell. I finally realized it was not going away on its one and went to yet ANOTHER facility with DIFFERENT doctors to seek help. Although the staff was empathetic they stated they had never seen such a thing. The doctor there insisted that it was a panic disorder and yet again prescribed me Lexapro and this time added 2 mg Xanax daily. The xanax seemed to help a little and I slept finally after months and months of pure hell. I spend 7 days there and was discharged unstable. Two weeks later I was back to the very same place in worse shape than ever. I had lost 65 pounds by this point. I had no energy to fight anymore. It was like I was on the worst acid trip of my life. My head was melting, I was buring all over like fire ants were attacking me. I will never forget the doctors exact words “ this is why you have to be careful with Xanax. People gain tolerance way to quick.” I gained a tolerance after 2 weeks???? I think not. He refused to change any medication and sent me home with the Lexapro (generic) and Xanax 3 mg a day. 

I realized as a nurse that this was not going to work. It was barely taking the edge off of the torment and as soon as it started to wear off I was pacing and crying hysterically. I weaned myself off of both of those medications approximately 2 months later. Unable to bare one more day. At this point I thought if the medication was out of my system that it would go away. WRONG!! I went through a protracted withdrawl so severe that I could hardly live life. Depression was SEVERE worse than I had ever felt in my life, I had allll the previous symptoms listed. However, the depersonalization and dissocitive issues got worse. I cried hysterically for hours. My heart was out of control. I could not even climb stairs. Desperate to find out what was happening to be I went to my “New” PCP in hopes that he would understand. WRONG AGAIN. He put me back on Paxil and ativan. I continued in this hell for 2 months. I wanted to truly end my life and told everyone who came in contact with me. I was forced to quit my job that I loved and didnt even know who I was anymore. I could not remember the smart, funny, intelligent person I was prior to ingesting the first pill. I thought to myself often “You are never coming out of this.” I admitted myself to another facility. I must say that I had never had acute issues as such prior to this year. I was never hospialized nor did I have anything more than a few days of depression here or there with what I would discribe as anxiety. This facility gained a more thorough evaluation and it was determinted that because of my previous history of PTSD contributed to being drugged at a night club that I was scared of the medication and it was not in fact a reaction to the meds. I went a long with the desperate for some relief and to live my life again. I was placed on liquid lexapro . I actually felt a slight bit better for the first few days. Then all hell broke loose. Same as above except this time I started to self harm. I began biting myself so hard I was bruising myself. I had night terrors so vivid when I woke up I did not know if I was in the dream or if I was awake. I paced and paced and called friends hysterically. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep. I was scared of my own house. I decided to go back to the same facility that prescribed me that medciation in hopes that the same doctor would see my deteriation and help. She seemed rather annoyed that I had someone drive me an hour to be admitted to that facility rather than go to one closer. 

I thought I was doing the right thing. After all in nursing we strive for continuem of care. She at this time told me that I was too severe to be in a short term treatment center and that she and I needed to look at more long term placement for myself. I was shocked but at this point agreed because I had lost my life, I had nothing to life for and the ( what I now know as Akathesia) physical symptoms were so severe I wanted to unzip my skin and run like hell. I was anxiety, paranoid, terrified, and over all not well. At this hospital I found out that I was pregnant. To my suprise since even sex was too over stimulating for me and my husband and I had hardly been able to engage in this for over 5 months. They say it only takes one time. I am a true testament of that. At this point I am not only terrified for my own life but for my unborn child as well. The doctor at this facility was just like the rest and did not want to listen to me about the physical symptoms. Night sweats were becoming severe. One of the nurses took pitty on me and took my orthostatic Bps. It was indicated that my heart rate was 75 sitting and 140 standing. HMMM Big jump dont you think? The doctor stated that this had been going on for quit some time and she found it hard to believe it was the drug inducing this. I tried to explain that this was no an issue prior to administration of any ssris. I as once again blown off and recommended for a 30-60 day treatment facility in Maryland. I went to this facility. While there I could not sit in a room of people. I had a hard to with physical sensations that I was told were “ parts” I was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. Although the psychiatrist was very nice. I do not think she wanted to look pasted the pTSD to see that this was not all “ body flash backs” I was indeed going through repeated exposure to Akathesia. 

I did not take medication while at this facility for over 30 days except for prenatal vitamins, an occassional zofran, ativan and they gave me a zyprexa one time. I began to slowly stabilize. Although it came in windows. I was so traumatized at this point that I believe it indeed had retriggered my PTSD. It was determied at this facility that I had Bipolar NOS with mixed states and rapid cycling. This is something I had NO signs of prior to this hell. Noone would look at the PHYSICAL symptoms and the end result causing more psychological symptoms. I was discharged and have been home for over a monthA few months ago I would not have been able to sit here and write this letter. It has now been recommended that I stay away from any psychotropic drugs t this point and I feel that this is appropriate. 


The reason for this letter is to make you aware of this condition and its effects of someones life. Listed below are the signs and symptoms of this condition. It took me going to a new therapist and new doctor to get a real diagnosis and regain my trust in myself and to not be worried that I was ggoing to have another episode because I was told I was bipolar. I must make you aware that I was NEVER suicidal in my life. During this time and as I still recover I could only pray for death as it had to be better than what I was going through. My brain felt like it had chemically melted into my neck and I was no longer in control of my cns.

 

PLEASE NOTE:  This Intro was posted twice.  I merged the two and hid the second post, so member responses may seem a bit out of order. ~Jemima

[lundeliz]

Oh my, I'm so sorry you had to endure such a nightmare. It sounds like you have

 

found some relief since getting off the meds. Thank God for that. I can't believe

 

that not a single doctor would listen to you. That is extremely scary. I have

 

suffered from akathisia during withdrawal, but I can't even imagine the severity

 

of what you suffered. I'm so happy that you are on the road to recovery. I'm

 

actually amazed that you are recovering so quickly after what you have been through.

 

You deserve to have a speedy recovery. I wish you the very best.

[mammaP]

Welcome to SA Traumatised80. I have moved your post to the introductions forum,

this is your thread about you and your experience and you can add to it whenever you like.

 

We are so glad you are here telling your story. Sadly it is one we have heard many times before,

far too many people are suffering terribly and needlessly from these drugs.   I am so glad that

you are feeling better and away from those clinics and doctors.  

 

How did you get off the drugs? Did you taper or cold turkey?  You will be giving hope to others

who are going through what you have been through,  seeing that you are recovering will be a huge 

comfort for them.  

 

You have been incredibly strong to get through it and I hope you continue to get better, so you and 

your baby come through this as well as you can be.

Thank you for joining us.    

 

 

I 

[Jemima]

Welcome to the forum, traumatized80.  Once you've had time to explore SurvivingAntidepressants.org I think you'll find we're all too well aware of the terrible side effects of SSRI treatment.  I'm sorry that you had to suffer through all of that and sorry that there are many here who will understand.

[Nikki]

OMG it makes me mad and sad at the same time when I read about this happening to people.  You are not on anything now and feeling somewhat better?

 

You are a survivor.  Strong person to have endured all of that. 

 

Glad you told us your story and that you are on the mend.

 

Nikki

[traumatized80]

I am not on anything now. However I am not doing too great. I still have major anxiety..burning skin... restless legs... depression .... sensitivity to sound and any stress... Some derealization although this is getting somewhat better. .. insomnia... panic... and terrible fear that I am going to live this way for the rest of my life. The bipolar diagnosis was never a thought till the bad reactions and the doctors jumping to that conclusion. ..I still get brain shivers.. and this loud electric buzzing in my head... that wakes me at night. .. my heart still races when I stand up but not 180 anymore.. more like 115... am I nutts?

[traumatized80]

I did go to a neurologist who is supposed to be highly specialized. Well he just looked at me with his eyes crossed. He ordered a eeg. And said I might have a sensory disturbance... I'm lost.. sad.. and see no way out at this point.. it's been a long fight

[Lexy]

How are you now?

[Meimeiquest]

You're not nuts at all! I can't believe all you've been through. And a bad drug reaction does not constitute bipolar disorder at all, nor does prolonged withdrawal syndrome. How far out are you from your last dose of medication? Are you still pregnant?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, traumatized.

 

I am very sorry about all you've gone through. Yes, we all had a lot more respect and trust for doctors once.

 

I am not on anything now. However I am not doing too great. I still have major anxiety..burning skin... restless legs... depression .... sensitivity to sound and any stress... Some derealization although this is getting somewhat better. .. insomnia... panic... and terrible fear that I am going to live this way for the rest of my life. The bipolar diagnosis was never a thought till the bad reactions and the doctors jumping to that conclusion. ..I still get brain shivers.. and this loud electric buzzing in my head... that wakes me at night. .. my heart still races when I stand up but not 180 anymore.. more like 115... am I nutts?

This sounds like classic prolonged post-withdrawal syndrome. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Recovery http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

[Zoe]

I add my welcome, also I am so sorry for all that you have been through. You have found a wonderful spot though for answers & healing & support. Sending hugs & prayers.

[antoinette]

Your story is so similar to mine it's ridiculous. I am now pregnant too. It will be 2 years in June since my adverse reaction. How are you coping being pregnant and when are you due? My adverse reaction was to Lexa pro and I had every symptom you have had. It brought back some very traumatic memories. I was also hospitalized for 6 weeks. Sorry I can't write much it's hard for me to concentrate but I would love to chat with you.

[traumatized80]

Hi.. I am 6 months out from the last time they tried Lexapro again and I am one month out from the Dr insisting I try rremeron for 3 days at a small dose which ended in total hell once more. I am still pregnant at 7.5 months...30 weeks with a little boy. It has been very difficult to go through pregnancy like this. I still have pretty bad symptoms... like an acid trip some days. They check my little guy often because of what I'm going through.. so far he is perfect. It's hard to swallow the many diagnosis these doctors have given me. Part of me wants to accept them and the logical part says.. no way Angela! ! My new psychiatrist says it's some sort of autonomic dysfunction but has no answers on how to help myself! I'm scared to death to take even a magnesium pill at this point. I take my multivit.oy because my little guy needs it. I've been traumatized. Even the drug commercials on TV trigger panic for me now.. pretty bad since I am. Nurse..well I was till I had to quit in Sept because of all this terror. Thank you all for your support. Until I read this site I thought I was bat shot crazy and had no reason to live. I have learned in the medical field that mental health can only be healed with medication. .. so it's a hard PILL to swallow when those very mess cause brain damage. I look forward to hearing from all of you!

[Jemima]

Count yourself lucky that your psychiatrist recognizes what you're going through as autonomic dysfunction and not some variety of mental illness!  He or she is way ahead of the pack.  At this point, no one anywhere knows how to get people through an adverse reaction to antidepressants or even protracted withdrawal. Unfortunately, most doctors just prescribe more and more drugs.

[Petunia]

Hi and welcome,

 

I'm sorry you have been through such a horrific experience and I'm relieved you have made your way here so that you can finally get the support you need.  I've experienced a lot of the symptoms you have described, there really are no words to explain just how bad it can be at times.

 

I'm in protracted withdrawal from coming off Lexapro too fast, but I have also had adverse reactions to medications I've been prescribed for ongoing symptoms.

 

Count yourself lucky that your psychiatrist recognizes what you're going through as autonomic dysfunction and not some variety of mental illness!

 

Ditto what Jemima said, the good ones are rare.

 

We don't have any quick fixes or cures here, but you will find a lot of understanding and support when you need it.  Post as often as you like, this site can be a source of comfort when the waves of symptoms get strong.

 

Petu.

[Meimeiquest]

I know this is a long ways from where you live, but there is an integrative psychiatrist in NYC. Her specialty is perinatal psychiatry and she would 100% get what you are going through. BUT I believe she is quite expensive, and she does not have a magic wand. She also sells access to a couple of lectures on integrative psychiatry from her website, kellybroganmd.com. But if you have a doc who identifies this as autonomic dysfunction, you are far ahead of the pack.

 

I'm so glad your baby is doing well. A source of joy in all this...but I can understand your concern as well.

 

What kind of nursing were you doing? I am doing pediatric private duty...thankfully even in my worst moments of disillusionment t I can understand why these kids who have been through so much need traditional care.

 

I think you're going to be just fine in the end.

[lobster]

Im very sorry for all you have been threw! I can relate to alot of what you have been threw. You have come to the right place though :-) alot of wonderful people here that truly do understand. Im glad everything is good with your son. That will be a true sence of joy.

[Altostrata]

traumatized, your symptoms are from withdrawal syndrome, NOT a psychiatric disorder.

 

Please read these topics http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/603-what-is-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

particularly http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/392-one-theory-of-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

You may be able to work something out with your psychiatrist, who seems to have an unusual grasp of your condition.

[traumatized80]

Do you believe this is withdawl even though I was off the lexapro 1.5 years prior to trying it again and have been unable to take any mess since without terrible issues.. causing further depression. .dark depression and extreme anxiety. I was to the point last time that I started biting myself and scratches till I bled. I'm so worried about post partum. ..I'm glad I have you guys nnw.

[Altostrata]

Many people here have similar post-withdrawal hypersensitivity to other neuroactive drugs. This is part of the autonomic dysfunction. You need to treat your nervous system gently and let it heal.

[traumatized80]

They tried zyprexa just one pill and my heart went crazy again. Dr didn't act concerned but I was scared to death. Hr was 150 as soon as I stood up. I feel like there is no way out of this... don't know if my drug reactions are a kindling effect..withdraw or if I am bipolar. Sorry everyone. . I'm having a very emotional day and carrying my little guy doesn't help.

[Meimeiquest]

T, Read the DSM-5 description of bipolar disorder when you have time. Does that sound like your experience? Let's see, you couldn't believe you got pregnant. What is typical manic sexual behavior? Just sayin

[btdt]

Oh my this brought back a lot for me... a lot of what your talking about I have lived... I am sorry to have any company at all least of all a pregnant woman.  My heart goes out to you.  The reactions to medications is common I have it too and cannot take anything psych related.  I was a bit surprised ativan worked at all.. for me it caused a paradoxical reaction.  Please be careful with any further medications for a good long time.  You don't need any more trouble. 

I had the fluctuating bp and found it to be POTs when I was googling.  I could not express myself well and kept going to hospitals too looking for help... for some of the same an some different reason.  Can you eat?  I could not eat. 

I hope you can keep your body healthy for the babies sake and yours.  

 

Time is what heals this but it can take a long time.  Keeping yourself occupied and steady does not seem like a full time job to others who have not lived this but for those of us who have know it is a full time job. 

 

I don't have much advice just now other than not taking pills and be careful with supplements too.  Rest and don't trigger yourself with crap like tv and radio... any outside stuff shut it all down and make a nest to heal in.  There are many things in the self care thread to partake of.  Build yourself a safe place and tool kit from the things in self care and do just that take good care of you. 

I wish you peace. 

[traumatized80]

The ativan hardly worked. .. it would wear off in an hour and I'd be 10 times worse.it also caused heart ppaps and made me feel like I was disconnected from the world. Being pregnant has been a very big struggle. I cry everyday. .. It has been so long. I've pretty much lost everything I've worked so hard for n now I'm scared to be a lone with my baby.. irrational fears!!

[Altostrata]

Yes, a benzo can go paradoxical, making things worse.

 

Do you have friends who can keep you company? Is this your first child?

[Muddles]

You're not bi-polar. My doctor tried that one on me when I had a severe reaction to an SSRI.

I'm sorry to hear of your suffering...it's very un-heard of for people to react to drugs like we do.

 

I wonder just how many people out there have been mis-diagnosed?

 

There's got to be some way this can all be made more public?

[btdt]

I do wonder how rare this all is. 

If I could suggest something it would be a relaxation.  Heat the spine I found helpful and the sound of the ocean on head phones. These things helped when I did not feel like I had to move when I had to move I walked more of a mad stomp as the sound of my feet hitting the ground was grounding to me and helped me feel like I was more real. I instinctively knew I was in trouble and I also learned the hosp and doctors were not going to help me.  Looking back and after reading others stories I think maybe I am lucky emerg docs did not put me on my pych drugs... maybe I really was lucky it is hard to say. 

 

Epson salt baths is one way to get magnesium into your body without a reaction I found this helpful too. 

[Petunia]

Hi traumatized,

I'm responding here to your PM as well as there, so others have a chance to catch up with your situation and offer some support. It sounds like you are still experiencing some akathisia and asked what my experience of it was like.

 

Very similar to what you describe earlier in this thread, but not as extreme. I also reacted by feeling like I was frozen, too terrified to even move, so I didn't pace, not very often anyway. I tried it a few times, at other times in sheer panic I would run out the door and head to the park, to try and get some relief, but nothing ever took the feeling away.

 

A tortuous inner restlessness would be the way I describe it... completely physical.

 

Here are our akathisia related topics, I hope you find them helpful:

 

Akathisia vs restlessness, anxiety, agitation - Symptoms and ...

 

Blog: My Akathisia Experience by akathisiainfo - Symptoms ...

 

It would be great if you would put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature. Doing this helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts. Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

If you feel up to it, a short update here would be helpful too. I'm sorry you are experiencing this again, did it ever stop?

 

Petunia.

[AliG]

Traumatized,

 

I'm so very sorry for all that you have gone through, at the hands of the psychiatrists & doctors you encountered. No one should have to go through this. You have had a particularly hard time , but seem to be handling it , with a lot of strength.

 

A short update , would be helpful .  Are you still having akathisia ?  What are your other symptoms ? 

 

Ali.

[luv2knit]

Hang in there, Traumatized! It's been a rough ride, but you will get through this!

 

Prayers!

 

XOXO

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi traumatized,

 

I was just re-reading your thread, and wondering how you were doing.  I don't know if you are up to posting but wanted you to know I was thinking of you.  Have you seen any improvements lately? 

 

US

[Altostrata]

How are you, traumatized?

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi traumatized, I am wondering how you are too.  Hope you can check in and give us an update, hope things have improved. 

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi traumatized,

 

I received your PM and answered you but also wanted to say here that I'm of course very sorry to hear that you continue to struggle with the akathisia and other symptoms.  My heart goes out to you.  Please know it will get better and please let us know how you are doing when you are able to.

 

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

With care,

 

US

[UnfoldingSky]

Bumping, traumatized is really struggling, please if you can offer some support leave her a message. 

[ChessieCat]

So that we can offer suggestions we need to know what symptoms traumatized is currently experiencing, as well as any changes that have occurred (eg life stressors etc), including any type of drug/s or supplements.

 

Traumatized, it would be good if you can post these yourself so that we can get accurate details.