btdt Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I am not sure what to call this. I can't form the thought to encompass it. Yet I know there is something in here we all need to get on with it. We need to be aware of our internal self as much as possible to strive for awareness of consciousness as much as possible tho I do still think I struggle with this and often fall off the rails especially if I get sick or otherwise challenged with my health. I think this is in part about how we see our healing our selves and being human we want to have a rest from time to time. http://www.memoirsofanaddictedbrain.com/connect/the-magically-creative-tension-between-extreme-caution-and-almost-heroically-bold-self-trust/?utm_source=Memoirs+of+an+Addicted+Brain&utm_campaign=12a4c42d7e-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_4355f9df26-12a4c42d7e-343279661 I offer this link as a way to understand how to live with a brain that has been tampered with. I know we are not addicts in the same sense as this describes but we have played with out own brain chemistry and as humans are dealing with some of the same issues as addicts are. If you have been completely put down by this experience coming back to life is not like snapping your fingers and there are likely to be issues of self trust not only because of being drugged a log time and long withdrawal but because your brain functioning ability will fluctuate for some time yet. " remain aware of our vulnerabilities (like fluctuating willpower, loss of perspective), to not get too cocky, to continue to remind ourselves that we still think and feel and even act like an addict. Cheryl’s response was a sort of call to arms in the other direction — an invitation to shut down the voices of self-doubt and take stock of our strengths instead. To trust in those strengths, to dive into that pool of self-trust without looking back. These approaches to recovery sound almost diametrically opposed. Yet it seems to me there is some crucial truth in the space between (or stretching to include) both of them. In fact, this could be one of those magical tensions. Like wave-particle duality, or the impossibility of life without death, or the fact that humans are both totally selfish and totally altruistic — the kind of tension that gets you thinking more deeply about a topic than any one perspective ever could." then this... We are each our own experiment in living. What works for us? What doesn’t (even though it did for someone else, or may work later)? Exploring why we fell off the wagon that particular day or place and using that information to plan differently in the future. Taking time to step back and take a longer view, to acknowledge our progress or growth, our successes, especially the ones that may be invisible to others. And to marvel at “how did I do that!?” this too... So that inner tension/balance, constantly moving and evolving process you describe so beautifully, Marc, is very much of the essence. As you write, it’s hard to describe in any objective, concrete terms. But all the more reason to reaffirm its centrality, to ourselves, to those around us, to the institutions and experts that expound and classify us from the outside. It’s also a reason I’m such a fan of bring out individual stories. No one is the same and yet each is universal in its uniqueness and potential to inspire, educate and reassure others. Tho it is a page for discussion of addiction.. I find things here that are helpful that seem to apply I went to this site because of a tv show I watched on his book... he knows the brain.. I had only one thought I want to ask him questions on how to recover from antidepressant use. I have tried he has not answered yet I know he likely knows something that could be helpful to us. I know not all this applies but some of it you may find interesting. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Thank you for posting this bdtd, I really needed to read it. I'm struggling with self doubt at the moment, in relationship to a pretty incredible situation I find myself in. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I find trusting myself after going thru all I have is a big deal and I keep going even when I am not sure the direction I am taking is the right one. After so many years feeling completely stuck movement is movement and I expect it to take time to adjust to make find a direction and to trust ourselves. I still have not done anything huge I am still trying to find my way. I find the ground shifts under my feet a lot. I am hoping to over come this one day. There are losses to encompass and making a new start in any direction after this settles down having lost all the foundation you had built .... is a trying thought that I have not yet been able to put into practice. I am still trying to find a place to stand to start the rebuilding process. The thing is all the things I wanted before seem to have lost their meaning for me... or just seem to be impossible to get to in the state and age I am now. Time has been lost too.... a lot of time. I will figure it out or I won't. I think it is a bit of both I don't value the same things as I once did. Independence yes I still value that but would do completely different things with it should I ever achieve it. This changes who we are it will take time find the new way I sometimes wonder if I have that much time left the alternative is to forget about it and live in the now I slip in that as society pressure get to me sometimes. I no longer fit with people my age who have established themselves and not lost every thing... I no longer fit any place. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I feel for you bdtd, I don't feel like I fit anywhere either. Ironically we do fit really, as who knows how many others are out there in similar situations--it's just finding them on a local level that can be hard. Particularly people who are astute enough to know they've been harmed by drugs. Too many never seem to figure it out. And it is very difficult to build a new life after something like this, and would be even more difficult for someone like yourself given the setbacks you are encountering (car accident as you mentioned, and other things.) It's very upsetting to even be in a position to have to create a new life; it's one thing to want to do that of your own volition and quite something else when circumstances dictate it. It can seem like a monumental task. And the losses can be unbearable to look at at times. I think it would be easier though if society acknowledged what had happened. Too much of the battle is spent on simply getting people on the first page of what happened. I can't count how many hours I spent on trying to get people to understand that I had been harmed by drugs. Wish I could have that time back. Sorry this isn't all that uplifting, not feeling uplifting at the moment. Hopefully it works out for you, and for me and for others. So many different factors to consider, and everyone's situation is unique even if we have things in common. I've wandered from the topic a bit too. Getting back there, self trust; I appreciated the part in the article about the loss of perspective, as at the moment I seem to have that going on. I can't tell what's appropriate to expect or not, what to expect from other people, what I could feasibly do, etc...It vacillates wildly. Not sure what to do about it. And, do you get general drug-caused anxiety at this late date and how is that affecting self trust if you do? I find, though I am so, so much improved from the early days of akathisia, I can still have a baseline withdrawal anxiety that badly corrodes self trust. It can be very taxing. A recent example, I was completely unsure about replying to a simple email recently to the point I put it off for way too long. Now there's a chance that the person I wrote to won't respond simply because I appear to have treated them rudely. Meanwhile it was largely due to withdrawal issues--worries I wasn't making sense, worries what i was writing I should't be and on and on. It's too much to put up with at times. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I do not handle stress well I tend to crumple. I too have those days where I do not respond as I need more time out than the normal person wildly changeable. I never know how I will feel when I wake up sometimes a mess and I will feel confused and lost a good part of the day... other days I am unwell... just unwell and need time to get my feet on the ground. I will say this tho it may not come out right I will try... there is time spent that seems to be not quite consciously spent .... it just slips away... while I don't think I am having any sort of black out there are chunks of time that do not feel like they are fitting with the here and now. I know some will think this is a sort of being involved in something intently and losing track of time but that is not what I mean... I mean time will pass I have done and accomplished nothing. It will just be time lost... I am doing nothing barely attending to the tv or my own life... a lot of my time slips by me. So when I see a task I should have attended to a call an email house hold chore and think... what is it I do that I am not ever getting done the things I need to do. I have noticed I am spending time in this odd state doing nothing. I don't like it and it feels sometimes I am losing a good part of my life to this kinda of altered state. On the other hand it may be a motivational issue I am not too enthusiastic about anything. I don't set goals anymore... and feel directionless. I don't seem to look forward to things or seek things to look forward too... It seems to me that some of the attending issues may spring from ...not wanting ... and I do not know why I don't want... I use to want a lot of things. Oddly they seem so far out of reach for so many reasons I am not sure if this is a healing things or if I have just given up finally and threw in the towel... again this is not uplifting either and it is not complaining it is just what I notice. It seems like I want to just keep my head above water not have pain I can't stand... eat. That is about it. When there are so many obvious things a normal person should want. Maybe I am still getting my sea legs again I am not sure... just observations. I have had that not wanting to engage issue of not replying or feeling up to it on time... and I found I could not worry too much about it as it was apt to happen again next wave... so I tried like you to talk to people to get them to understand... not sure if it was all a waste of time or not... they know where I am coming from and they can take it or leave it up to them... lost have left it. That is ok I cannot change my experience or refuse to be phony and lie even if I could pull it off and to date I couldn't pull it off. Some day maybe I will move so far beyond this i will be able to NOT tell the truth of what I have been doing these last 7 or so years... but it is not today. I have changed too in many many ways. I think of what I use to be and what I am and I cannot always rectify the differences or know who or what I am... work in progress I guess. Today for example I meant a person who wanted to know something about me... and I told the drug story... I don't want this to define me I know I am much more I just don't feel it yet. Sorry don't know if that was any help at all to answer you one question it is not so much what I would call anxiety but there are things that hold me back in the trust area... in trusting myself. Sweating nausea pain... which will come and disrupt my day... sometimes those things still... can't think straight forgetting those too are issues. If I need pain pill then yes anxiety can be part of it but I do try to get thru the day without them. I think the entire withdrawal experience is a mind ..... and trusting ourselves after is a challenge. First we need to figure out who we are now and what we want... I tend to get stuck right there. I think often how I use to write down pros and cons of situations... I tried that one time awhile back... the list was so lopsided it I gave up... maybe I should try it again... need to start with a goal... oddly sometimes I just don't care and I don't know why I wish I cared... about my life about me. It feels like I am just getting by in the real world... and that is more than I have had in a long time so I should not rock the boat cause it was worse for so long... dare I expect more. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I feel for you bdtd, much of what you write does resonate. It is very helpful to me though I wish you weren't in this just as I wish I and others weren't either. I have the same problems with missing time, not true blackouts (I had a few of those early on) but just time lost to...what exactly? I am never sure. I know sometimes what I haven't been doing (I'm definitely not exercising enough) but just what exactly I am doing during those periods I don't know. It makes it very difficult to have conversations with people. Common questions like "what did you do this weekend" I sometimes have to answer very vaguely as the reality is I often am not sure. Or what parts I do recall I can't ever tell ("yeah, so I spent my weekend reading about the corruption of the drug industry--how about you?") I'm sorry to hear too that you also have the same issues re replying to people. This current issue is a really problematic one as the person was someone I don't know so I couldn't explain about the reason for the delay. I had issues trusting myself with what I wanted to write to them too, which also partly accounted for my late reply. Now I am not sure if I'll hear back from them at all...and I won't have any idea now why, as I'm not likely to press the issue. I also have the lack of motivation. And I don't seem to care that much about many things. It's no big deal that I no longer care about trivial things but there are many things I should care about that just don't seem important anymore. I don't know what to do about that. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
Nikki Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 btdt and unfoldingsky..... thanks so much for your honesty. i never wanted to say that I was addicted because this is different from let's say taking cocaine, etc. I heard the term neurological trauma and felt that was exactly what this feels like. At this point in time I am not in a state of self trust. I am terrified of making mistakes or wrong decisions. And sadly I feel every decision I make is wrong. The brain changes in our thoughts do a great deal of harm in this area. Self esteem takes a beating too. I do have friends and relatives that I run things by and I started to see a therapist again. I really can't wait for the day when I/we are all feeling joy in our lives again:) Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/ Paxil 1997-2004 Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries Lexapro 40mgs Lexapro taper (2years) Imipramine Imipramine and Celexa Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each 45mgs. Serzone 50mgs. Imipramine
btdt Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I feel for you bdtd, much of what you write does resonate. It is very helpful to me though I wish you weren't in this just as I wish I and others weren't either. I have the same problems with missing time, not true blackouts (I had a few of those early on) but just time lost to...what exactly? I am never sure. I know sometimes what I haven't been doing (I'm definitely not exercising enough) but just what exactly I am doing during those periods I don't know. It makes it very difficult to have conversations with people. Common questions like "what did you do this weekend" I sometimes have to answer very vaguely as the reality is I often am not sure. Or what parts I do recall I can't ever tell ("yeah, so I spent my weekend reading about the corruption of the drug industry--how about you?") I'm sorry to hear too that you also have the same issues re replying to people. This current issue is a really problematic one as the person was someone I don't know so I couldn't explain about the reason for the delay. I had issues trusting myself with what I wanted to write to them too, which also partly accounted for my late reply. Now I am not sure if I'll hear back from them at all...and I won't have any idea now why, as I'm not likely to press the issue. I also have the lack of motivation. And I don't seem to care that much about many things. It's no big deal that I no longer care about trivial things but there are many things I should care about that just don't seem important anymore. I don't know what to do about that. " ("yeah, so I spent my weekend reading about the corruption of the drug industry--how about you?") If somebody said that to me... I would be giddy lol and gushing what did you read... lol... I have spent so much time on this sort of issue... it seems nobody else wants to hear about it... I am not exactly a welcome guest at bonfires as my topics are not the norm. I am better now as shutting up as I have already told everyone I know there is not much I could add to it.. they already have afforded me all the space in their head they are willing to give to antidepressant personality change adverse reaction and withdrawal... I have no more room there the inn is full. How I wish I was one of those people who could not care about this who's future and present and past had nothing to do with antidepressants... how I wish but then here I am. Spending my time doing whatever reading withdrawal sites researching cause and cures... on and on and new books and this doctor and that website... blah blah blah all the while life is really passing me by and I know it and in some way I can't rise up to greet it.. in some way I am under water... here quietly drowning ...ok that was a bit dramatic.. lol it feels like that sometimes... Like I am never getting out. I have a life sentence. I know I am not doing anything bad I know I am say on the computer but if you ask me what I did on the computer for the last 8 hours I could not tell you specifics and it is never anything that will promote my here and now life it is generally something related to pshych drugs.... how did I get so sucked in by this that it became the biggest part of my life... it was an accident I did not plan it. I am an accidental users of psych drugs as I did not know they were psych drugs when I started them... would not have known anything about them at that point if anyone did tell me what I was taking was an antidepressant. **** I feel so raw just now... I try to not talk to much about the long losing battles.. but this is a long losing battle. As far as caring I do care sometimes about some things I don't care like I use to... I don't know why... I can't make myself shake off the ick...always ...often I give in and just sit thru it while days turn into wks turn into months turn into years... is this life... is this living... I keep doing this staying here waiting to heal in time the magical time healer and make stabs at this or that along the way and attend to family and crisis ...help here help there... engaging not much engages me... not really... I like to get really hungry then cook just to feel some kind of an urge to do something... yes I would say this is a motivational issue... I think too that after so long drugged and so long learning about it... and blah blah blah... so many hours talking and typing about it... I have just gotten old waiting and healing and the good years are behind me.... with nothing to show for it but a lot of knowledge about what drugs not to take...lol ...joke it on me it would seem. I wonder how long I would go without eating if I did not live with people who expect me to cook... would be interesting to find out. I would like to be hungry...for something for life like I use to be I am just not. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
btdt Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 My fav book about drug company corruption is "Our Daily Meds" lol ya for some reason I have no problem recalling that but don't ask me about much else.. this has been my course of study for years now... tho I have to admit a lot of the new books have escaped me I would like to read the books by Grace E Jackson but don't have a credit card and the books stores here in Canada do not sell them yet. Have thought about the Goldacre book but really there is not much more I need to know on this other than... it is fixed. I have some hope in the new UK site that just started up but all this will take time I am aging and as for personal growth or having a real life it is looking more and more like that is not in the cards maybe this is as good as it gets. Of course I am not done yet and something could take a huge turn I will tell you if it does. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
btdt Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 btdt and unfoldingsky..... thanks so much for your honesty. i never wanted to say that I was addicted because this is different from let's say taking cocaine, etc. I heard the term neurological trauma and felt that was exactly what this feels like. At this point in time I am not in a state of self trust. I am terrified of making mistakes or wrong decisions. And sadly I feel every decision I make is wrong. The brain changes in our thoughts do a great deal of harm in this area. Self esteem takes a beating too. I do have friends and relatives that I run things by and I started to see a therapist again. I really can't wait for the day when I/we are all feeling joy in our lives again:) I think it is the constant changing state of withdrawal that does not allow us to trust ourselves like we once did. We can't trust that when we wake we will be able to get up and do what we had planned so after awhile we stop making plans...well I have. For a long long time withdrawal was so bad I could not just force my way thru things even if I wanted to... I would have to go to bed...ect. Then I had windows and started to trust a bit...only to have the rugged pulled out so many times.... yet I would come back to places like this and read how other people had that too and just rested up and waited and eventually they say they got better. I hoped and waited and tried. For years and I continue to do so cause it is the the only game in town. I don't make life choices really there has not been a choice on my table for years now. I am happy to hear you still have choices as that means you still have a least part of your life working and as far as making choices it is good to have people who love you to help you. What I have found is what I think I want when I am in a window becomes something I don't want when I am in wave. I would suggest if you can to put off any big big choices like what to study as a life work ect till your better...most people are better in 3-4 years ...work till then and decide later. I say this because I think we are in flux while healing and what we think we want now is not what we want later... or have seen this play out in ohters lives over and over... Wait it out don't waste you time tho try to live as much as you can try to remain social... and engaged if you can ...do it as much as you can... but take time for quiet too... there is a lot going on inside during this healing process and some quiet is needed. I hope your young and have the rest of your life to get stay drug free and find new and exciting things to bring you joy... in time all in good time. I have great hope for those who were drugged short term I think if you got off under 5 maybe even 10 years of use you chances are good. Under 5 years use it would make sense that 5 years into healing you would be good lots have healed... from that. lots. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 btdt and unfoldingsky..... thanks so much for your honesty. i never wanted to say that I was addicted because this is different from let's say taking cocaine, etc. I heard the term neurological trauma and felt that was exactly what this feels like. At this point in time I am not in a state of self trust. I am terrified of making mistakes or wrong decisions. And sadly I feel every decision I make is wrong. The brain changes in our thoughts do a great deal of harm in this area. Self esteem takes a beating too. I do have friends and relatives that I run things by and I started to see a therapist again. I really can't wait for the day when I/we are all feeling joy in our lives again:) Sorry to hear you're having the same issues Nikki, though it's good to know you've got people to consult to make sure your decisions are sound. I have some days where I do feel joy, so that I think will come for you and bdtd too (if it hasn't already). Still the decision making issue can greatly undermine that, particularly when I don't know what's come of a decision, like this latest "debacle" over a sent email. Hopefully they'll be a spontaneous resolution to it as the continual second-guessing sure can be wearing. I've noticed in the past few days when it's been nice out that I've been feeling a bit better so who knows, could be around the corner...and sleeping properly is also looking like it greatly impacts self trust too. It's funny how these things line up. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
UnfoldingSky Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 " ("yeah, so I spent my weekend reading about the corruption of the drug industry--how about you?") If somebody said that to me... I would be giddy lol and gushing what did you read... lol... I have spent so much time on this sort of issue... it seems nobody else wants to hear about it... I am not exactly a welcome guest at bonfires as my topics are not the norm. I am better now as shutting up as I have already told everyone I know there is not much I could add to it.. they already have afforded me all the space in their head they are willing to give to antidepressant personality change adverse reaction and withdrawal... I have no more room there the inn is full. How I wish I was one of those people who could not care about this who's future and present and past had nothing to do with antidepressants... how I wish but then here I am. Spending my time doing whatever reading withdrawal sites researching cause and cures... on and on and new books and this doctor and that website... blah blah blah all the while life is really passing me by and I know it and in some way I can't rise up to greet it.. in some way I am under water... here quietly drowning ...ok that was a bit dramatic.. lol it feels like that sometimes... Like I am never getting out. I have a life sentence. I know I am not doing anything bad I know I am say on the computer but if you ask me what I did on the computer for the last 8 hours I could not tell you specifics and it is never anything that will promote my here and now life it is generally something related to pshych drugs.... how did I get so sucked in by this that it became the biggest part of my life... it was an accident I did not plan it. I am an accidental users of psych drugs as I did not know they were psych drugs when I started them... would not have known anything about them at that point if anyone did tell me what I was taking was an antidepressant. **** I feel so raw just now... I try to not talk to much about the long losing battles.. but this is a long losing battle. As far as caring I do care sometimes about some things I don't care like I use to... I don't know why... I can't make myself shake off the ick...always ...often I give in and just sit thru it while days turn into wks turn into months turn into years... is this life... is this living... I keep doing this staying here waiting to heal in time the magical time healer and make stabs at this or that along the way and attend to family and crisis ...help here help there... engaging not much engages me... not really... I like to get really hungry then cook just to feel some kind of an urge to do something... yes I would say this is a motivational issue... I think too that after so long drugged and so long learning about it... and blah blah blah... so many hours talking and typing about it... I have just gotten old waiting and healing and the good years are behind me.... with nothing to show for it but a lot of knowledge about what drugs not to take...lol ...joke it on me it would seem. I wonder how long I would go without eating if I did not live with people who expect me to cook... would be interesting to find out. I would like to be hungry...for something for life like I use to be I am just not. I hear you about not being welcome at bonfires, lol, though from the sounds of things you'd do quite well at mine. I've got lots of hot dogs and marshmallows to spare, as it seems no one's turned up.... I'm sitting here singing "Mother's Little Helper" all by myself...ha ha. People around me are beyond tired of the drug topic, though occasionally they'll jump in as they do finally realize what happened to me. To be honest I get tired of hearing myself talk about it at times, but it's a subject I can't seem to get any relief from. I don't go out much anymore because of exhaustion but when I did used to get out, even though I'd only rarely talk to people (during early withdrawal--I had a period where I could barely even think of anything to say, which thankfully has ended) I'd somehow manage to run into stories of drug harm. And when I would stay home they'd still find me...I seem destined not to get away from this issue. I have the same problems too with motivation, in that I will respond to crises but in between them nothing really goes on. Your idea about not eating sounds like a motivational issue. That's one I probably need at this point as I find I'm only motivated to eat junk now and it's catching up to me finally. I wonder, do you have exhaustion or fatigue after all you've been through? Is that a component in what's happening now? I do, and I don't know how much of that is factoring in. It certainly isn't helping. Maybe we'll need beds around the campfire instead of logs, lol. I hope that you develop some yearning for something beyond researching the drugs soon, it really doesn't seem like much of a life we've been handed does it? Then again sometimes I wonder, what are other people doing? I know a fair number whose lives aren't that wonderful even if they aren't that affected by drugs. Of course with little that is engaging me I suppose it would look that way from where I am sitting. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
UnfoldingSky Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 My fav book about drug company corruption is "Our Daily Meds" lol ya for some reason I have no problem recalling that but don't ask me about much else.. this has been my course of study for years now... tho I have to admit a lot of the new books have escaped me I would like to read the books by Grace E Jackson but don't have a credit card and the books stores here in Canada do not sell them yet. Have thought about the Goldacre book but really there is not much more I need to know on this other than... it is fixed. I have some hope in the new UK site that just started up but all this will take time I am aging and as for personal growth or having a real life it is looking more and more like that is not in the cards maybe this is as good as it gets. Of course I am not done yet and something could take a huge turn I will tell you if it does. I know exactly what you are talking about re only remembering things connected to drugs...It was the same way with me. I even recall Whitaker touching on this in Mad in America. Give me a minute and I'll quote the page number for you...lol. I haven't read Jackson's book though thought about getting it, mostly because I wanted to put it in a knapsack and take it with me to appointments as a way of refuting what doctors were saying about my problems. Okay so I was getting to be a bit dramatic but I thought if I just packed in her book along with some I already have (Whitaker's work) then add Glenmullen, Breggin, maybe Terence Young's work, some of Healy's, then when they tell me it's not the drugs i will quietly pull the books out and stack them on the doctor's desk and ask--how can all these people come to the same wrong conclusion? (Of course the obvious retort to that is--how can a whole group of psychiatrists come to the same wrong conclusion about chemical imbalances...Of course they'll never say that though, ha ha) Might fly with my GP, he seems to be somewhat sympathetic (when he has time to be.) Though I've met a few psychiatrists who wouldn't ever show an ounce of empathy even if they were giving ECT to their own mothers. But hey maybe I can reach them too, just wait for them to leave the room then pull a switch with the books on their shelf. Next thing they know their drug reference book is Anatomy of an Epidemic. I do hope things turn around for you and that life gets to be more than just researching about drugs. At the same time we need all the help we can get....If I ever do get Jackson's work you are welcome to borrow it if you feel comfortable doing that sort of thing. I know where I live they often don't seem to carry books I want, I've even tried to give books on other subjects to the library here and been turned down. My books were "too academic". Even the librarian doesn't want to come to my bonfire, lol. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 " ("yeah, so I spent my weekend reading about the corruption of the drug industry--how about you?") If somebody said that to me... I would be giddy lol and gushing what did you read... lol... I have spent so much time on this sort of issue... it seems nobody else wants to hear about it... I am not exactly a welcome guest at bonfires as my topics are not the norm. I am better now as shutting up as I have already told everyone I know there is not much I could add to it.. they already have afforded me all the space in their head they are willing to give to antidepressant personality change adverse reaction and withdrawal... I have no more room there the inn is full. How I wish I was one of those people who could not care about this who's future and present and past had nothing to do with antidepressants... how I wish but then here I am. Spending my time doing whatever reading withdrawal sites researching cause and cures... on and on and new books and this doctor and that website... blah blah blah all the while life is really passing me by and I know it and in some way I can't rise up to greet it.. in some way I am under water... here quietly drowning ...ok that was a bit dramatic.. lol it feels like that sometimes... Like I am never getting out. I have a life sentence. I know I am not doing anything bad I know I am say on the computer but if you ask me what I did on the computer for the last 8 hours I could not tell you specifics and it is never anything that will promote my here and now life it is generally something related to pshych drugs.... how did I get so sucked in by this that it became the biggest part of my life... it was an accident I did not plan it. I am an accidental users of psych drugs as I did not know they were psych drugs when I started them... would not have known anything about them at that point if anyone did tell me what I was taking was an antidepressant. **** I feel so raw just now... I try to not talk to much about the long losing battles.. but this is a long losing battle. As far as caring I do care sometimes about some things I don't care like I use to... I don't know why... I can't make myself shake off the ick...always ...often I give in and just sit thru it while days turn into wks turn into months turn into years... is this life... is this living... I keep doing this staying here waiting to heal in time the magical time healer and make stabs at this or that along the way and attend to family and crisis ...help here help there... engaging not much engages me... not really... I like to get really hungry then cook just to feel some kind of an urge to do something... yes I would say this is a motivational issue... I think too that after so long drugged and so long learning about it... and blah blah blah... so many hours talking and typing about it... I have just gotten old waiting and healing and the good years are behind me.... with nothing to show for it but a lot of knowledge about what drugs not to take...lol ...joke it on me it would seem. I wonder how long I would go without eating if I did not live with people who expect me to cook... would be interesting to find out. I would like to be hungry...for something for life like I use to be I am just not. I hear you about not being welcome at bonfires, lol, though from the sounds of things you'd do quite well at mine. I've got lots of hot dogs and marshmallows to spare, as it seems no one's turned up.... I'm sitting here singing "Mother's Little Helper" all by myself...ha ha. People around me are beyond tired of the drug topic, though occasionally they'll jump in as they do finally realize what happened to me. To be honest I get tired of hearing myself talk about it at times, but it's a subject I can't seem to get any relief from. I don't go out much anymore because of exhaustion but when I did used to get out, even though I'd only rarely talk to people (during early withdrawal--I had a period where I could barely even think of anything to say, which thankfully has ended) I'd somehow manage to run into stories of drug harm. And when I would stay home they'd still find me...I seem destined not to get away from this issue. I have the same problems too with motivation, in that I will respond to crises but in between them nothing really goes on. Your idea about not eating sounds like a motivational issue. That's one I probably need at this point as I find I'm only motivated to eat junk now and it's catching up to me finally. I wonder, do you have exhaustion or fatigue after all you've been through? Is that a component in what's happening now? I do, and I don't know how much of that is factoring in. It certainly isn't helping. Maybe we'll need beds around the campfire instead of logs, lol. I hope that you develop some yearning for something beyond researching the drugs soon, it really doesn't seem like much of a life we've been handed does it? Then again sometimes I wonder, what are other people doing? I know a fair number whose lives aren't that wonderful even if they aren't that affected by drugs. Of course with little that is engaging me I suppose it would look that way from where I am sitting. . the pusher man comes to mind mothers little helper is good too I wonder how many songs there are about drugs... just looked this one has prozac mentioned... http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thirdeyeblind/losingawholeyear.html I use to sing this song loud when I was drugged... http://www.cherylwheeler.com/songs/iipoiip.html a rap one I don't understand at all http://rapgenius.com/Lil-wayne-weezy-baby-lyrics#note-309209 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/vanillaice/prozac.html http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859429563/ http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858775852/ http://artists.letssingit.com/five-foot-thick-lyrics-prozac-ch93pd8 http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-Nation-lyrics-Dokken/8F205F779242D3E748256EF00008FAC4 http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/raycharles0.shtml http://www.lyricsmania.com/prozac_girl_lyrics_sunspot.html liked the last one posted above this one too just read them did not hear them http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-People-lyrics-Killing-Joke/473BB632A93BE13E48256C52000963C0 http://www.e-chords.com/chords/trailer-park-troubadours/prozac-made-me-stay how is that for a bon fire song list... actually it was depressing to read the words to those songs they all had the word prozac in them. I had no idea there were this many songs with the word prozac... it is a statement I think of our world today. I wanted to eat junk food since my sister died two wks ago today I bought some lots actually and find I can't eat it...not like I wanted too I wanted to pig out to comfort myself and I try but after a few bites I just don't want it not even chocolate. It is the oddest thing. I rarely eat a hot dog or marshmallows either something is off with my body I am sensitive to such things but do bing once in a while and pay for it. "I wonder, do you have exhaustion or fatigue after all you've been through?" Yes fatigue is a huge part of this for me has been since I was first on the drug prozac after I was on it I was dx with chronic fatigue syndrome treatment of course is antidepressants... just a trap it would seem. More drugs to treat what was first caused by the drug I think it was caused by the prozac can I prove it nope I cannot. I think I would prefer a hammock thanks I have my own traveling hammock I do not do stress well and since my sister passed have been floored as the wk before her death was bad...very bad and I could not take care of myself in that situation well enough I am a delicate flower now no longer rough and ready... but slow deliberate and fussy... I don't like it and have had lots of trouble adapting. I use to know tons of people with wonderful lives but the list has dwindled some as like attracts like and I think successful happy people no longer want me as a friend so much... some are family and can't escape my view but I don't see them much I am not up to their life style and I know it. slow and steady for healing is my thought my hope but it is very long and boring in the mean time maybe if I did not know so many people with absolutely wonderful lives I would think this is all there is sadly I know better I had better... I can't be fooled now. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
btdt Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 My fav book about drug company corruption is "Our Daily Meds" lol ya for some reason I have no problem recalling that but don't ask me about much else.. this has been my course of study for years now... tho I have to admit a lot of the new books have escaped me I would like to read the books by Grace E Jackson but don't have a credit card and the books stores here in Canada do not sell them yet. Have thought about the Goldacre book but really there is not much more I need to know on this other than... it is fixed. I have some hope in the new UK site that just started up but all this will take time I am aging and as for personal growth or having a real life it is looking more and more like that is not in the cards maybe this is as good as it gets. Of course I am not done yet and something could take a huge turn I will tell you if it does. I know exactly what you are talking about re only remembering things connected to drugs...It was the same way with me. I even recall Whitaker touching on this in Mad in America. Give me a minute and I'll quote the page number for you...lol. I haven't read Jackson's book though thought about getting it, mostly because I wanted to put it in a knapsack and take it with me to appointments as a way of refuting what doctors were saying about my problems. Okay so I was getting to be a bit dramatic but I thought if I just packed in her book along with some I already have (Whitaker's work) then add Glenmullen, Breggin, maybe Terence Young's work, some of Healy's, then when they tell me it's not the drugs i will quietly pull the books out and stack them on the doctor's desk and ask--how can all these people come to the same wrong conclusion? (Of course the obvious retort to that is--how can a whole group of psychiatrists come to the same wrong conclusion about chemical imbalances...Of course they'll never say that though, ha ha) Might fly with my GP, he seems to be somewhat sympathetic (when he has time to be.) Though I've met a few psychiatrists who wouldn't ever show an ounce of empathy even if they were giving ECT to their own mothers. But hey maybe I can reach them too, just wait for them to leave the room then pull a switch with the books on their shelf. Next thing they know their drug reference book is Anatomy of an Epidemic. I do hope things turn around for you and that life gets to be more than just researching about drugs. At the same time we need all the help we can get....If I ever do get Jackson's work you are welcome to borrow it if you feel comfortable doing that sort of thing. I know where I live they often don't seem to carry books I want, I've even tried to give books on other subjects to the library here and been turned down. My books were "too academic". Even the librarian doesn't want to come to my bonfire, lol. I hope you know the "chemical imbalance" was only a theory made up by a marketing company working for pharma... I hope you know that what they call selective is not selective at all and that changing one neurotransmitter has the potential to change many I think they have named only a few neurotransmitters there are at least one hundred so far... and I will bet money they have not found them all yet. Just in case you did not know. I have Jackson's book now they came after my sister passed and I have been in no frame of mind to read them and I only have them a short time so may get them again later. I wonder what she is doing now... where she is and what she is working on. I have this feeling she will not lay down and play dead but I fear what will become of her if she is not careful in her quest to expose the truth of the phych drug situation. Still more and more is known everyday and I always said the truth of it all will come out maybe long after I have died of old age but too many people know too many people who know what they are talking about know for it to stay silenced forever... I don't care about the money or the power imbalance eventually it will hit... have no idea how it will play out I can't even imagine. Likely after all the truly guilty have passed away some new blood will out it and swear they had no knowledge like everything else nobody will be accountable. That is how it goes. I don't really care how they do it as long as they stop the needless harm. It is not blood and revenge that interests me so much today but halting the damage especially to the kids that one make me sick. I don't see doctors about this or talk to them about this any longer I no longer see the sense in it... but I know many do and good for them. I tried talking to people taking the drugs and found that a waste too the ones who love their drugs are a waste of my time... I will let them be and they will show up here when the drugs bite them in the ass. I found a crack for the light to get in on a "marriages destroyed by ssir" site where I could talk to the spouses of people taking the drugs and give them a heads up they could see the change the drugs made to their partners and their brains were not messed up by drugs they were not dependent on the drugs... it was a good place to plant a seed. It was good while it lasted it is closed now. Still that many more people know about the issues... everyone counts as they tell more people. I try not to resist change as it just makes things harder... on ward and up wards... peace to you WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 the pusher man comes to mind mothers little helper is good too I wonder how many songs there are about drugs... just looked this one has prozac mentioned... http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thirdeyeblind/losingawholeyear.html I use to sing this song loud when I was drugged... http://www.cherylwheeler.com/songs/iipoiip.html a rap one I don't understand at all http://rapgenius.com/Lil-wayne-weezy-baby-lyrics#note-309209 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/vanillaice/prozac.html http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859429563/ http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858775852/ http://artists.letssingit.com/five-foot-thick-lyrics-prozac-ch93pd8 http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-Nation-lyrics-Dokken/8F205F779242D3E748256EF00008FAC4 http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/raycharles0.shtml http://www.lyricsmania.com/prozac_girl_lyrics_sunspot.html liked the last one posted above this one too just read them did not hear them http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-People-lyrics-Killing-Joke/473BB632A93BE13E48256C52000963C0 http://www.e-chords.com/chords/trailer-park-troubadours/prozac-made-me-stay how is that for a bon fire song list... actually it was depressing to read the words to those songs they all had the word prozac in them. I had no idea there were this many songs with the word prozac... it is a statement I think of our world today. I wanted to eat junk food since my sister died two wks ago today I bought some lots actually and find I can't eat it...not like I wanted too I wanted to pig out to comfort myself and I try but after a few bites I just don't want it not even chocolate. It is the oddest thing. I rarely eat a hot dog or marshmallows either something is off with my body I am sensitive to such things but do bing once in a while and pay for it. "I wonder, do you have exhaustion or fatigue after all you've been through?" Yes fatigue is a huge part of this for me has been since I was first on the drug prozac after I was on it I was dx with chronic fatigue syndrome treatment of course is antidepressants... just a trap it would seem. More drugs to treat what was first caused by the drug I think it was caused by the prozac can I prove it nope I cannot. I think I would prefer a hammock thanks I have my own traveling hammock I do not do stress well and since my sister passed have been floored as the wk before her death was bad...very bad and I could not take care of myself in that situation well enough I am a delicate flower now no longer rough and ready... but slow deliberate and fussy... I don't like it and have had lots of trouble adapting. I use to know tons of people with wonderful lives but the list has dwindled some as like attracts like and I think successful happy people no longer want me as a friend so much... some are family and can't escape my view but I don't see them much I am not up to their life style and I know it. slow and steady for healing is my thought my hope but it is very long and boring in the mean time maybe if I did not know so many people with absolutely wonderful lives I would think this is all there is sadly I know better I had better... I can't be fooled now. Sorry for my late response btdt, I've been falling behind here.... That's a fair song list..and there are some good lyrics there. Another one that isn't necessarily about drugs but fits with the whole drug company corruption theme: Grace Jones' song Corporate Cannibal Love this one, check out the lyrics (if you are sensitive at the moment the actual music would probably be off-putting): http://www.lyricsmania.com/corporate_cannibal_lyrics_grace_jones.html Sorry to hear you are having food intolerances. I hope that corrects in time. I had some severe ones for a while and now am doing much better. Hopefully things will work out for you too then. It just isn't a bonfire if you don't have marshmallows and hot dogs... How did you manage to get diagnosed with chronic fatigue? Has it improved at all? I swear I have the symptoms (caused by drugs) but doctors want to tell me I'm just depressed. Ugh. I hear you about the trouble adapting. A friend of mine died not too long ago during withdrawal and it was so hard to deal with. Stress of any kind now (sometimes even good stress) can be so hard to manage...I am not even that old and I now fully understand why it is that people have heart attacks when someone tells them upsetting news. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
UnfoldingSky Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 I hope you know the "chemical imbalance" was only a theory made up by a marketing company working for pharma... I hope you know that what they call selective is not selective at all and that changing one neurotransmitter has the potential to change many I think they have named only a few neurotransmitters there are at least one hundred so far... and I will bet money they have not found them all yet. Just in case you did not know. I have Jackson's book now they came after my sister passed and I have been in no frame of mind to read them and I only have them a short time so may get them again later. I wonder what she is doing now... where she is and what she is working on. I have this feeling she will not lay down and play dead but I fear what will become of her if she is not careful in her quest to expose the truth of the phych drug situation. Still more and more is known everyday and I always said the truth of it all will come out maybe long after I have died of old age but too many people know too many people who know what they are talking about know for it to stay silenced forever... I don't care about the money or the power imbalance eventually it will hit... have no idea how it will play out I can't even imagine. Likely after all the truly guilty have passed away some new blood will out it and swear they had no knowledge like everything else nobody will be accountable. That is how it goes. I don't really care how they do it as long as they stop the needless harm. It is not blood and revenge that interests me so much today but halting the damage especially to the kids that one make me sick. I don't see doctors about this or talk to them about this any longer I no longer see the sense in it... but I know many do and good for them. I tried talking to people taking the drugs and found that a waste too the ones who love their drugs are a waste of my time... I will let them be and they will show up here when the drugs bite them in the ass. I found a crack for the light to get in on a "marriages destroyed by ssir" site where I could talk to the spouses of people taking the drugs and give them a heads up they could see the change the drugs made to their partners and their brains were not messed up by drugs they were not dependent on the drugs... it was a good place to plant a seed. It was good while it lasted it is closed now. Still that many more people know about the issues... everyone counts as they tell more people. I try not to resist change as it just makes things harder... on ward and up wards... peace to you Peace to you too, btdt. I do know the chemical imbalance theories are scams. I wonder what Dr. Jackson is doing too..you really hear nothing about her. I don't think I have heard her mentioned on the Mad in America site, not that I can recall anyway. Maybe she's retired? And I agree the harm needs to stop. Though they very much do need to be held to account. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
UnfoldingSky Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 A friend of mine died not too long ago during withdrawal and it was so hard to deal with. I should have made this a little more clear; he didn't die of drugs or their withdrawal but an unrelated illness. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 the pusher man comes to mind mothers little helper is good too I wonder how many songs there are about drugs... just looked this one has prozac mentioned... http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thirdeyeblind/losingawholeyear.html I use to sing this song loud when I was drugged... http://www.cherylwheeler.com/songs/iipoiip.html a rap one I don't understand at all http://rapgenius.com/Lil-wayne-weezy-baby-lyrics#note-309209 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/vanillaice/prozac.html http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859429563/ http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858775852/ http://artists.letssingit.com/five-foot-thick-lyrics-prozac-ch93pd8 http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-Nation-lyrics-Dokken/8F205F779242D3E748256EF00008FAC4 http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/raycharles0.shtml http://www.lyricsmania.com/prozac_girl_lyrics_sunspot.html liked the last one posted above this one too just read them did not hear them http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Prozac-People-lyrics-Killing-Joke/473BB632A93BE13E48256C52000963C0 http://www.e-chords.com/chords/trailer-park-troubadours/prozac-made-me-stay how is that for a bon fire song list... actually it was depressing to read the words to those songs they all had the word prozac in them. I had no idea there were this many songs with the word prozac... it is a statement I think of our world today. I wanted to eat junk food since my sister died two wks ago today I bought some lots actually and find I can't eat it...not like I wanted too I wanted to pig out to comfort myself and I try but after a few bites I just don't want it not even chocolate. It is the oddest thing. I rarely eat a hot dog or marshmallows either something is off with my body I am sensitive to such things but do bing once in a while and pay for it. "I wonder, do you have exhaustion or fatigue after all you've been through?" Yes fatigue is a huge part of this for me has been since I was first on the drug prozac after I was on it I was dx with chronic fatigue syndrome treatment of course is antidepressants... just a trap it would seem. More drugs to treat what was first caused by the drug I think it was caused by the prozac can I prove it nope I cannot. I think I would prefer a hammock thanks I have my own traveling hammock I do not do stress well and since my sister passed have been floored as the wk before her death was bad...very bad and I could not take care of myself in that situation well enough I am a delicate flower now no longer rough and ready... but slow deliberate and fussy... I don't like it and have had lots of trouble adapting. I use to know tons of people with wonderful lives but the list has dwindled some as like attracts like and I think successful happy people no longer want me as a friend so much... some are family and can't escape my view but I don't see them much I am not up to their life style and I know it. slow and steady for healing is my thought my hope but it is very long and boring in the mean time maybe if I did not know so many people with absolutely wonderful lives I would think this is all there is sadly I know better I had better... I can't be fooled now. Sorry for my late response btdt, I've been falling behind here.... That's a fair song list..and there are some good lyrics there. Another one that isn't necessarily about drugs but fits with the whole drug company corruption theme: Grace Jones' song Corporate Cannibal Love this one, check out the lyrics (if you are sensitive at the moment the actual music would probably be off-putting): http://www.lyricsmania.com/corporate_cannibal_lyrics_grace_jones.html Sorry to hear you are having food intolerances. I hope that corrects in time. I had some severe ones for a while and now am doing much better. Hopefully things will work out for you too then. It just isn't a bonfire if you don't have marshmallows and hot dogs... How did you manage to get diagnosed with chronic fatigue? Has it improved at all? I swear I have the symptoms (caused by drugs) but doctors want to tell me I'm just depressed. Ugh. I hear you about the trouble adapting. A friend of mine died not too long ago during withdrawal and it was so hard to deal with. Stress of any kind now (sometimes even good stress) can be so hard to manage...I am not even that old and I now fully understand why it is that people have heart attacks when someone tells them upsetting news. Song is interesting seems to touch on something I don't want to see tho I know it is true. Guess that is the problem with us all we don't want to see or do anything about it so it continues. Individually there is nothing one person could do. I guess. Chronic fatigue I could not get up simple I just could not get up. It has been up and down over the years... more antidepressants to treat it and I think it was a fallout from the first antidepressant.. that is what caused it.. here is a drug to keep you moving... but... there will be costs. Here is one to sleep one to get up now off with you... I have lost several people since withdrawal started ....several WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 How bad was the fatigue for you? I have realized lately that I can barely walk around the block. I hadn't been going out much because of exhaustion but I didn't realize it was that bad until I decided to go out for a walk the other day...This is getting to be very scary, if I didn't have family to help me I would be in big trouble. Did you ever find anything that helped? I am sorry to hear you lost people during withdrawal. It is a hard, hard thing to go through. I remember thinking as I got better how wonderful it would be to go see my friend...then I found out he had cancer. So much for celebrating recovery with him. He was such a good support for me too, even wanted to call a doctor for me to get mad at them for not acknowledging my problems. I miss him a lot. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I tried a vit tonic recommended by the health food guy once it helped for awhile before it turned on me .. I had posted it on pp at the time with all the ingredients but that has long since been deleted and I don't recall what was in it. It did help but as with most things after a short time that seems to change and the benefit is gone often leaving other effects as bad or worse than what I was taking it for to start with. A common theme throughout my withdrawal. It sucks to lose the people you love period but to lose them when your completely unwell may be worse. Not much we can do about it...nothing actually. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
btdt Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 My self trust has been shaken recently by a drug hence I have twice the conviction to prevent any further injury... and believe in my self that much more. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 My self trust has been shaken recently by a drug hence I have twice the conviction to prevent any further injury... and believe in my self that much more. Which drug? Is it the beta-blocker you mentioned on the other thread? I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
btdt Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 yes this one really threw me hard to the ground... I was thinking today it was likely the steroid puffers that upped my bp to start with as I was having shaking when I used them and she lowered the dose not that my bp is not a ongoing concerned but this pushed it higher... who knows how things all inter react with the changes made in withdrawal... not me I just know I am not the same and react to just about everything I am given. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in
UnfoldingSky Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 yes this one really threw me hard to the ground... I was thinking today it was likely the steroid puffers that upped my bp to start with as I was having shaking when I used them and she lowered the dose not that my bp is not a ongoing concerned but this pushed it higher... who knows how things all inter react with the changes made in withdrawal... not me I just know I am not the same and react to just about everything I am given. Sounds like a conceivable theory. Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, your luck must be at an all time low btdt. I don't react well to drugs either; some herbs I can finally tolerate but not drugs. Though I am pretty sure I have heard of people having issues with BBs who weren't even in withdrawal. They can also cause nasty depressive episodes too. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say is a medical opinion or meant to be medical advice, please seek a competent and trusted medical professional to consult for all medical decisions.
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