Jingles: Went off meds way too fast, everything seems bleak.

[jingles]

Hi.

I've never posted on anything like this before but I am desperate and don't know where to turn.

I am currently on no medication.

After 7 years on variations of a drug cocktail (starting out with lamictal and lexapro, then later adding wellbutrin and deplin), I decided to go off the drugs. I knew that the Lexapro wasn't doing anything, stopped working after 3 or 4 years, but instead of replacing it my pnp kept adding things to the mix (including a nightmare few months of Geodon). It was just more and more meds and I knew (have always known) that I could never get to the root of my despair/diagnosis/whatever you want to call it while putting all of this stuff into my system.

A few things happened last year (an abusive relationship, a radical change in diet, a feeling that I needed to deal with the state of my life and NOW) that shook me up and made me want to peek behind the curtain of my own battered psyche.

Anyway, I started tapering off Lexapro last November and went off completely at Christmas. The entire process was a nightmare - - brain zaps for weeks (which I'd experienced before when going off  both Paxil and Effexor), crying spells, a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness and squalor everywhere, of being outside of myself and my experience, disconnected. 

I got to the point that I went online and started researching suicide pills. I was done. Too much pain, too much to bear.

Then a friend of mine connected me with a woman who does EFT (tapping) and I really did start to get some relief, despite (or maybe because of) the fact that I was recovering memories of sexual and emotional abuse from when I was very young. Over a month or so, I started to feel a little better, like living might not be such a pointless exercise.

Then I shot myself in the foot.

I was determined to go off the other meds more slowly, then things started to get difficult again emotionally, and I made a very poor choice to stop the slow taper and go off everything else (at this point - about 4 weeks ago - I was taking Wellbutrin XR 75mg (cutting an extended release - probably not a brilliant idea to begin with), Lamictal 25-ish mg, and 15 mg of Deplin).

The weeks since then have been hell. I am clawing my way through each day through sheer will. I am completely exhausted. I cry at the drop of a hat. Everything seems pointless, meaningless. I am going through the motions of life and waiting to die. I don't think I'll be able to work for much longer like this.

I thought I would be able to tough this out and finally get to the bottom of the unresolved issues that drove me to take medication in the first place, but I am drowning and at a loss about what to do. I don't want to die, but I also can't live like this. 

I'm afraid that I really messed up by going off these meds so quickly.

Any input gratefully accepted.

thanks,

Jingles

[Olivia]

Hi Jingles

 

I'm reaching out to you with compassion and encouragement.

Your here seeking reliable advice. I applaud you.

 

New myself, but wanted to reply with a welcome. You will get

Help from one of the moderator soon.

 

Have Hope.

Olivia

[Petunia]

Hi Jingles,

Welcome, I'm so glad you decided to post an introduction here.  As you have found out, suddenly going off your medication is not a good idea, I'm sorry you are feeling so unwell but we should be able to help you.

 

We recommend tapering by no more than 10% per month of one medication at a time, please read through this link here for more information about why we suggest that:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

 

Do you still have your old medication?  You are in withdrawal and need to start taking it again to stabilize your nervous system, then when you are feeling better, you can start a slow, safe taper off one drug at a time.

 

Because its been a month since you stopped taking it, I'm not sure what dose of each medication you should take, hopefully Alto will be able to advise you about that.

 

From reading what you have written, it sounds like you stopped taking

 

Lamictal 100mg (2006-2014).  

Wellbutrin 150mg, then 300mg (2010-2014)

Deplin 15mg (2012-2014)

 

One month ago, but you previously did a very fast taper from 7 years of Lexapro at Christmas.

 

I would think that you are also still in withdrawal from Lexapro along with these current withdrawals.  I'm actually not sure what to advise about reinstatement of Lexapro, but please hold on, someone with more experience will be able to help.  Do what you can to stay calm.

 

You have come to the right place

 

Petu.

[jingles]

Thank you so much. I will hang in there, read the link, and wait for more information. This feels like a lifeline for me. God, this is so hard.

[tezza]

Hi Jingles and welcome to the forum!

 

Alto is definitely the expert but I agree with Petu that you stopped the Lex too quickly. I'd start slowly in case you've become sensitive to any of these drugs. If it were me, I'd try the Lexapro first at maybe 2.5mg. You can make a liquid suspension to get an accurate measurement. It is available as liquid but you'll need a prescription for that. It is also available as a 5mg pill. Several, here, make our own liquid, it's not difficult.

 

We usually recommend only starting or stopping one substance at a time, otherwise you can't tell whether something is helping or hurting.

 

I'd be very cautious with Sam-e and Rhodiola, I'm not familiar with ignatia amara.

 

Alto will come along later and correct me if I'm wrong about reinstating the Lexapro first, as well as the dosage.

[tezza]

Here is the link on Lexapro:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/406-tips-for-tapering-off-lexapro-escitalopram/

 

The link for making a liquid suspension is in the Lexapro link above.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

There are topics in the Symptoms and Self Care forum on Sam-E and rhodiola. They can cause problems in withdrawal as well as the B vitamins. You nay want to read what other members have had to say about them while you figure out what to do.

 

Hope you find the help here you need.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Jingles.

 

Going off any or all of these drugs can cause severe withdrawal symptoms.

 

My guess is it's too late to reinstate Lexapro, your nervous system has been further sensitized by all the other drug changes.

 

How long were you taking 25mg lamotrigine?

[jingles]

From a starting dose of 100mg lamotrigine, I tapered to 50mg for a couple of weeks, then 25mg for a couple of weeks, then completely off about a month ago.

 

Now I'm thinking I should stop all supplements until I figure out what's what and come up with a plan? Afraid I'm making things even worse than they already are!

[Altostrata]

Going off lamotrigine too fast also can cause withdrawal symptoms.

 

If I were you, I might reinstate 25mg lamotrigine as soon as possible, stabilize for a while and let your nervous system settle down from all the drug changes, then taper off lamotrigine.

 

Do you have any left?

 

About the supplements -- yes, they can backfire, too. What you might do is stop one for a few days, see if you feel better, if not, reinstate that supplement and stop another for a few days, repeat.

[jingles]

Yes, I have a bunch of lamictal left. I emailed my old psych nurse practitioner in desperation this morning to let her know that I was off all meds and in a very bad state, barely functional and deeply depressed. She is seeing me in the morning. I am so afraid- I don't want to get on this roller coaster of medication again, and I also can't go on feeling like I am feeling now. It is eroding my very soul. Suicide seems inevitable. I am afraid she is going to bully/cajole/scare me into getting back on a bunch of meds. I don't know who to trust or where to turn.

[tezza]

Hi Jingles,

 

I understand the feelings you are having, most of us, here, would. Try to look your best and try to be as calm and collected as you possibly can at your appointment. She will likely try to get you to take other drugs or higher doses, that's pretty typical, especially if she knows you're in a bad state.

 

You CAN trust Alto!!! I have since Jan. 2012 and I'm much better for it. I thank God, Alto and SA members (and one friend that talked to me daily) for my success, thus far. I'm a totally different person than when I joined. I thought about suicide constantly because I had no hope of ever getting better. The only thing I ever looked forward to was bedtime, usually a disappointment since I didn't sleep well.

 

It will get better!!

[Rhiannon]

I think a reasonable thing to try would be the Lamictal at about 25 mg. You'd be surprised how much difference even a small reinstatement can make in helping you get your withdrawal symptoms under control. Once you're stable you can do a slow, safe taper off.

 

You may be able to get your PNP to go along with this plan for a while rather than putting you on a bunch of other meds. I'd give it a try, it's a compromise between "nothing" and "a whole new drug cocktail." The idea is to get stable (which could take a few months) and then do a slow gradual taper.

[Altostrata]

I'm not a miracle worker!

 

However, I do know, Jingles, that if you leave the decisions up to a psych nurse or doctor, they will try to save you by throwing a kitchen sink of drugs at you plus, based on your symptoms, an exotic diagnosis that will make you very sad.

 

You will need to insist on taking charge of your own treatment. As long as you have lamotrigine on hand, why not try that first?

[jingles]

Hi.

 

After an excruciatingly emotional week, I went to bed for 3 days and thought about not getting back up. But, even in the face of all this seemingly endless pain, there is some part of me that wants to live and and believes that I can get through this and to the other side. 

 

I went back on Lamictal 4 days ago at 25mg, in addition to upping my dosage of Sam-E from 200mg to 400mg/day. Already feeling a little better, calmer, less tweaked out.

 

My psych nurse also wanted me to take something called Latuda, but I am not interested in getting back on more drugs. Despite her concern for me and desire to provide immediate relief via strong antipsychotics, she gets where I'm coming from. I give her props for that. 

 

Meanwhile, it is up to me to choose life, no matter how challenging and sometimes pointless it may feel right now. I am continuing to see an EFT therapist, trying to get enough exercise and rest and not isolate too much and all the things that can seem impossible sometimes but it's all I can do right now.

 

I feel like I am being born again, or maybe for the first time. It is scary and uncharted territory, this (mostly) unmedicated me with deep childhood wounds begging to be addressed and healed.

 

I'm very grateful and comforted to know that there are other people going through this too - thank you to everyone on here for your courage, advice, and openness.

[Rhiannon]

Keep an eye on the Sam-E, it can be excessively activating for some people. Supplements can be quite tricky during withdrawal. Best to change only one thing at a time if possible.

 

Glad you're feeling a bit better! Hang in there, it will be bumpy for a while.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're feeling better. I'd back off of the SAM-e. Lamotrigine is a brake, SAM-e is an accelerator, why cancel out some of the benefit of the lamotrigine?

[Nikki]

Hi Jingles and welcome....you have been thru alot and in your last post you said that your pilot light has not been blown out, you want to have a good life.  Bless your heart.

 

I work in a Psych's office on Friday afternoons and I was reading the literature of Latuda.  It is supposed to be for bipolar conditions and there are alot of unpleasant side effects.  So glad you didn't take it.

 

Wishing you the best and hope you can settle down a bit....