DazedNConfused: Amys Story

[tgirl]

Deazed,

How are things now?

Thank you,

Tgirl

[DazedNConfused]

Well, it will be 3 years in January and I can't say I've made much progress.

6 months ago I went to the ER and discovered I have a heart condition called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome - means I was born with more than one electrical pathway in my heart. My anxiety went out of control at that point, and I spent the next few months living as an agoraphobic.

 

I had also decided to seek treatment for my b12 deficiency, as I became more and more convinced that it was significantly contributing to my anxiety issues. I was diagnosed in january, but was too afraid to take the injections as I have become sensitive to b vitamins somewhere along the line and they triggered panic attacks 100% of the time. Turns out that b12 is not a problem for me. I was sort of right in thinking it would help my anxiety. I had 3 prescribed injections, and 3 self injections, and can now leave the house for longer periods of time and with minimal fuss, in comparison. My mood has also lifted a little and no longer have such extreme mood swings - just little ones.

 

I have developed some kind of blood sugar issues (self-diagnosed, as my GP isn't taking me seriously), as I get a drugged up feeling about 1-3 hours after eating anything and crash just like I would had I taken a sleeping tablet. I'm not diabetic though.

 

I saw a gastroenterologist last week and am scheduled for a gastroscapy to try and find out the cause of my complete lack of appetite and gastric fullness for the last 3 years. This scares me as it involves sedation - I have a fear of medications since coming off ADs. Has anyone here had any positive experiences with this? I'm afraid of having to go though all of this again.

 

 

So, that's where I'm at. Still trying to quit smoking also.

[tgirl]

Hey Dazed,

 

I'm sorry to hear that your still having a tough time. I understand about being afraid of being put under and of other medications. Seems very rational.

 

I'm glad the b-12 is helping you.

 

I am trying to quit smoking too!

It's hard when you have so much anxiety.

 

Are you able to get much sleep?

What are your other symptoms?

 

I wish you well,

Tgirl

[DazedNConfused]

Update

 

Hi guys

Well, since I last updated, my life has literally fallen to pieces around me.

 

I was making steady progress until about 7 months ago when something happened in my life which made me suicidal. I tired fighting it naturally and as sensibly as I could given the circumstances. I had friends and family and professionals begging and ordering me to go on antidepressants again, and out of pure fear of losing my child if I didn't, I relented. 2 weeks ago I went to my GP and asked for Citalopram. I have used this on and off in the past with no side effects, and no withdrawal effects.

 

That night, I took 1/2 of the prescribed dose of 10mg and boy was it the biggest mistake ever! I felt (and acted like) I had taken a fist full of amphetamines. For 3 hours straight, I power walked around in a circle around the coffee table in my living room, on the phone with my mother, and talking at a million miles per hour. I would try to fight it and sit down to relax my muscles which had all but completely seized up, but would find myself rocking instead. After the 3 hours, I crashed... Hard! Slept for 4 hours, then woke up increadibly disorientated and disassociated. I could barely see through the mind-fog and I was aching from head to toe from the intense tension in my muscles from the night prior. I was completely out of action for 3 days. Couldn't drive, could barely look after my child. Couldn't eat. She missed 2 days of school because it was not safe for me to drive her. Needless to say, I didn't take any more.

 

Now, 2 weeks later, I emotionally feel like I'm going through withdrawals again. I feel like I'm back where I was 3 years ago (OK, maybe not AS bad, but definitely had a setback). Any resilience to stress I had built up in that time is gone. I'm crying daily and my anger and aggression is out of control.

 

So yeah. That's that. Back to square one. *cries*

[coldturkmama]

How are you today?

I think it is WD related. CT is hard stuff.

[coldturkmama]

Oh sorry, I was commenting on an old post.

[DazedNConfused]

Not an old post. I only posted my last one a couple of hours ago.

 

I don't know if I'm going through a wave exasperated by 5mg of Citalopram, or just life circumstances that would make anyone, WDing or not, crumble.

 

Apart from anything else, I've been WDing for 3.5 years! I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have permanent brain damage, and need to accept that this is who I am now.

 

As for your question, yeah, not doing so great today.

[KarenB]

Does your doctor know of the result of your taking that one dose?  It is probably a good idea to have it in your records, so next time there is pressure to take a/d's you can point to that as proof it isn't a good idea.  Because while life circumstances can certainly spark a wave, they are very unlikely to cause the extreme effects you experienced after that dose. 

 

Have you received any other help to deal with the event that led to feeling suicidal?  Counseling, or support groups? 

 

Are you still taking any supportive supplements like fish oil or magnesium?  They can help a little with symptoms. 

 

Wow Amy, I'm so very sorry that you've been pushed into such a hard place.  You deserve better than that. 

 

W/d can take so, so long that it can make people think they'll never heal.  But people do - they really do, and so can you.  It Gets Better:  Living Well While Being Sick  Start with one small, good thing and build it into your life.  It might be as little as a one-minute guided meditation before you get up.  After a few days, add in another small yet good thing.  And keep going like that, weaving yourself a nest that can support you as you get through this. 

 

Non-Drug Techniques to Manage Emotional Symptoms

 

Stay in touch here too - we really want to know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Karen

[DazedNConfused]

Hi Karen

 

I have an appointment with my GP first thing tomorrow morning and will mention it then. However, from prior experience, I can expect to get one of the following responses:

1) It's just side effects that will ease over time. Just ride it out.

2) Try Lexapro (or any other pill) instead.

 

I do have a counselor I engage with. However, when I mentioned my thoughts to her, she A) insisted I go on medication, and then threatened to call the CAT (Crisis Assessment Team, in Aus), who can force you to go to hospital.

 

I know that is not a good option to go down considering I'm in the beginnings of a nasty custody battle with my childs father. The second he gets wind of my mental health issues, it's all over...

 

I learned very quickly to keep those thoughts to myself (or at least anonymous). I would never act on the thoughts, but boy are they intense!

[AliG]

Hi Amy. Sometimes it can be hard to talk to Doctor's. This link might help if you read it over before your appointment tomorrow.

 

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

 

I have found that if you are sure about what you want and need and convey that firmly, calmly and concisely then they have little choice but to comply.

 

Best of luck.

Ali

[DazedNConfused]

I think I will be ok with him. He wasn't entirely enthusiastic about prescribing the antidepressants in the first place. It was me who (stupidly) requested it.

 

I don't really have the energy or brain power to argue with him about anything. I'll just politely decline his insistance if it comes down to it. At the end of the day, he can't physically shove the mediation down my throat.

 

If I've learned anything over the last 3 years, it's that doctors can't do squat to help withdrawal, other than throw more meds at the problem. There is nothing he can do for me. So, I'll just go in there, explain what happened and move on to the real reason I made the appointment in the first place (holter moniter test results, quite possibly unrelated to WD)

[DazedNConfused]

Ugh. Ok, I can 100% say that 5mg of Citalopram was a really, REALLY bad idea. I'm back to where I started. Been waking up at ungodly hours with an adrenaline dump, fatigued all day with an inability to nap, and muscles (especially back and neck) are full of tension which is making me dizzy. Not to mentionthe depression! Oh my God!

Have I destroyed my recovery? Is it going to take me another 3.5 years to get back to where I was? From half a pill? Why am I so stupid?!

[KarenB]

I doubt it will have put you right at the start again.  It's more likely to be a wave of symptoms while everything settles down again.  It could take a few weeks or months, but gradually it should smooth out again.  Get the fish oil and magnesium going again, and do whatever calming and soothing things you can till you get through this.  Eat well, rest when you can. 

[DazedNConfused]

 

So, to your knowledge, has there been any cases of death occuring from WD symptoms?

 

 

I have become a complete hypochondriac over the last 3 years and still have not accepted that my physical and emotional symptoms are just my body recalibrating. Every little niggle, every little brain blip, every little cold is a preceived signal that my body is giving up and that it's only a matter of time before it completely shuts down. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and that I'm just waiting for "that moment" when it decides it can't go on.

 

3.5 years on and I still feel lightheaded, no appetite, tremors, stress intolerance, nausea, and the worst is the emotional turmoil.

Is it possible that my fears are correct and my body could just shut down?

[Altostrata]

No, people do not die from the symptoms you've described. Your fears are irrational.

 

As you know, you need to deal with this habit of thinking, with or without the help of a therapist. Please see Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

As I read your recent posts, it seems your condition was very much worsened by 5mg citalopram you took about a week ago. You need to give your nervous system time to settle down from this setback.

[DazedNConfused]

Your fears are irrational.

I hear that a lot. Contributes greatly to the feeling that I actually AM going insane.

 

I do see a therapist, but I do have to hold a lot of my thoughts and feelings from her. She was the one who begged me to "try that antidepressant (I) had no reaction to in the past". She has no concept of protracted withdrawal. Being at the beginning of a nasty custody battle, the last thing I want/need is to be sent to the nut house against my will.

[Shep]

I have been on and off antidepressants since I was about 17, and my best friend died of heart failure (he was just 20 with no history of heart problems - being 'depressed' about it was an understatement).

 

 

 

6 months ago I went to the ER and discovered I have a heart condition called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome - means I was born with more than one electrical pathway in my heart. My anxiety went out of control at that point, and I spent the next few months living as an agoraphobic.

 

 

Hi, Dazed.

 

I just read over your thread and these two posts stood out, especially in the context of what you're saying now.

 

I don't think your fears are irrational. I think going on a drug to treat grief at only 17 for the loss of a friend over a heart condition and then being diagnosed later with your own heart condition could cause these kinds of thoughts. So although not irrational, these thoughts do need to be managed so that you can cope. 

 

Having your CNS revved up with symptoms due to taking the AD may have been enough to send these fears soaring.

 

The non-drug coping skills Alto linked to are great for this. Another technique that helps is changing the channel:

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

This is a great way of learning to re-direct your thoughts so they don't spin out of control. 

 

Are you taking any medications for the Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome? Are any of the symptoms of this similar to AD withdrawal symptoms? 

[DazedNConfused]

Hi Shep,

 

No, I'm not on any medication for the WPW. The reason for this is because WPW is very much an episodic disorder, meaning that my heart only kicks in to overdrive occasionally. (For example, once a month or year. For some it is daily or at certain points in their cycle. Depends on the person.) For a good part of the rest of the time, my heart is bradicardic (beating too slow in the 30-40bpm range - not characteristic of WPW). Beta blockers to slow the heart down is generally the go-to option for WPW and that's not good when you have a heart that spends most of its time beating slowly anyway.

 

I am seeing my electrophysiologist in October, where we will discuss an ablation (short circuiting the extra electrical pathways in an attempt to kill them). I do wonder occasionally if my WD has something to do with the heart abnormalities I'm experiencing.

 

The symptoms of WPW are exessively rapid heart rate (up to and beyond 200bpm), and everything that goes with not getting enough blood flow around your body - passing out, anxiety, difficulty breathing, chest pains, confusion, etc. That said, I obsessively track my heart rate, and get these symptoms even when my heart is beating normally (60-70bpm)

 

Right now, I seem to have a mild and very strange version of the flu, which I'm sure is contributing to my low mood and disturbing thought pattern.

[Shep]

Thanks for this explanation.  Sounds like you have a lot of reasons for revved up symptoms right now and the flu will definitely add to it. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. Please keep us updated. 

[DazedNConfused]

Hello everyone

I just wanted to provide you all with an update:

 

It has been over 5 years (I think, could be 4) since I quit antidepressants, and although I wouldn't say I'm ready to write my recovery story, I think I'm recovered "enough for now". I am left with a general anxiety disorder and moderate depression, but that could be because I've also been recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD, which is why I was on antidepressants in the first place. I am still med-free, but feel strong enough to ride the waves more easily than I used to. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days, but I'm also having good ones now.

 

My appetite recently came back, and I now have hunger cues again. I have put on a bit of weight too, which is great.

 

The biggest thing for me is that my agoraphobia is almost non existant now. Yesterday I took my daughter on a 3 hour roas trip, spent the whole day out and even drove home in the dark. I have been regularly socialising (day only for now) and that is pretty darn good for someone who spent 4/5 years as a recluse.

 

The biggest change for me is that I have even taken up regular running! Who would have thought it!? I'm getting glimpses of the old me, pre-trauma.

 

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and am actually sometimes excited for the future. All of this in combination with 12 months of divorce and child-custody hell in 2016/17. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. Despite all the drama, my brain is healing, and I am so grateful.

 

Thank you for listening.

[mammaP]

Thank you for this lovely update! I am so happy that you are doing so well and living your life again. I can umagine that you look back to how you were and pinch yourself to make sure this is real.  I am going to add our 'here comes the sun' icon which we add to a name to show they are getting better. It is encouraging for newbies when they see that people do get better.