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I'm not sure - twiggy


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Hello to all the amazing people in this forum

I am not sure if I'm okay being here as I have just started taking ssri yesterday. This wasn't a easy choice but my quality of life owing to a long term battle with depression has become hard to live with. So begrudgingly but knowing I had tried other methods with limited success or none I had to do it. I have been on and off anti depressants since I was 12 years old. My mum remarried and my stepfather was abusive so instead of trying to help a tablet was given to me saying it would help me sleep. Thanks mum ...not. during this time I was very suicical and constantly seeking psychological treatment.

I was on this tablet for most of my teens and tbh can't remember if I cold turkeyed or tapered. I am now 47 yes old. I had post natal depression that was incorrectly diagnosed for tiredness, so I was given heavy duty sleeping tablets until I changed Drs and was given allergron. I was in this for many years and decided one day to taper off. Things were okay. Last year I suffered from a emotional breakdown and am still ruminating badly, my therapist is great and helpful but in the last 6 months have been suicidal and very negative and finding no joy in life at all. If it wasn't for my daughter and our cat I would not be here.

So I am sorry if I am not allowed here in this forum but it has been so helpful reading about everyone and their thoughts and lifepaths. I don't want to be on these new ssri drugs but really feel I'm slipping. The dr selected them as I haven't tired this type before. The others have given too many bad side effects but after reading some of the long term effects I'm not sure what I'm doing now. I just know I need help.

Thanks for reading and please let me know if I'm not allowed to be on here



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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Twiggy--I'm pretty sure we don't have a rule that you wouldn't be allowed to be on this forum, but I'm not sure what we can do for you, really. We're mostly about withdrawal and getting off meds, supporting people in withdrawal, supporting people in tapering off, etc. 


If you'd like support for staying off ADs, for not going back onto that path this time, you can probably find that here, although it's not exactly the focus of this forum. Certainly many of us wish we had not taken that path, and can relate to feeling stuck on it, and some of us are very happy about finally getting off and the ways being off psych drugs have improved our lives.


If you'd like support in finding nondrug ways to deal with your symptoms (anxiety, sadness, etc), you could probably find some of that here--our Symptoms and Self Care section is primarily about withdrawal symptoms, but there are a number of threads that discuss ways to cope with overwhelming feelings, feeling down, etc. and the things we have found that help stabilize and support a healthy nervous system, and how we survivors of psych meds cope with the things we once took drugs for. So you might look around in there.


What you will not find here is encouragement or support for turning to psych meds as a solution. You can get that in other places. Most of us here have gone to great lengths to escape from the prison of psychiatric meds and many of us have experienced great losses caused by them.


I would highly recommend, as someone with your history, that you read Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.


Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 


I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello twiggy and welcome to SA from me too.


I can only support Rhi in saying I'm glad you have found us. What we could offer you in addition to supporting you in finding a non-drug ways of coping with your symptoms is also to see if some of them have actually been caused by the use of these drugs.


That was what crossed my mind when reading your post. Stopping these drugs especially after such long use can cause awful symptoms which are then called emotional breakdown or "return of the illness". This forum can help you notice the symptoms which arise from the way of handling the drugs and which we (and our doctors) then attribute to "illness". 


This forum was a real eye opener for me. We will be able to notice changes in drugs that would be bound to cause severe symptoms if you provide us with the details of your drug history as described here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/


We are all here because we have been harmed by these drugs and they caused us more suffering than the initial one we sought to relieve with them. When trying to stop them, even more suffering happened. 


I'm so sorry to hear you were put on drugs at such an early age... You will find a lot of friendly support here regardless of your choices.


welcome once again,


Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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