☼ chia1214: 40 years coming off - tapering lamotrigine, clonazepam

[AliG]

 I meant to say , I know what you mean. I agree, NZ.

[chia1214]

 

 

Broken record I know, but credit goes where credit is due. Thanks to God for answering prayers and directing me to SA.

Glad you are feeling so good Chia.

I also am very thankful for these support places and esp for a prior place.

It is not a coincidence we are here.

I shudder to think of trying to have nutted out this horror story all scripted by a doctor by myself. In short i never would have and i hate to think where i would be otherwise.

 

Yes, Nz - I agree - not good to be alone in something like this!  Thanks for your comments.

 

I so love it! I think of you often because I have started doing sprouts/micro greens with CHIA in the rotation. Glad for whatever words you have time to share, and so glad you are out in the wide, wide world!!!

 

Thanks Meimei, for visiting - I love chia seeds, swallowed by the spoonful plain with water for exercise stamina, in my yogurt, in smoothies, to make gels, as a thickener, sprouted, to name a few ways! 

 

Hi Chia-- it is so great to hear your are doing so well.  That is the whole purpose of the SLOW taper, to maintain quality of life, and you are a shining example.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

Hi brass! Nice to hear from you! Thanks for the hugs - you've been with me from the start here! You're a shining example of sharing the day to day stuff life is made of. I read about your travel adventures, nice! My travel days are coming - I can feel them!

 

 

 

 

 

 This is  so encouraging to everyone, Chia. Thank you for the update. I'm so amazed at how well you have done, after such a history with the drugs. You were on them for years, and "cold turkeyed" a number of times.  I can relate to that  !!    If you don't mind me asking , to what do you attribute  "Your success " ?  Also , I think this will give enormous hope to a lot of readers , out there, including myself.   Please keep us posted.  I'm happy for your recovery.

 

Hi AliG - Thanks for visiting my thread. What you are referring to as "success" I see as just my process of healing/growing. If you read through my thread, when I arrived here at SA, I set up camp for the long haul. I got through a real hell and followed the "GO SLOW" rule. That is probably the one key to my leveling out, but I made a lot of small steady changes too, which were important to my own health and I wrote about.

 

I have not arrived at some utopia, I should make that clear. But I definitely have a quality of life now that I never thought I would.

 

I have never multi-quoted so I have no idea what will happen when I click post, so here goes...

[chia1214]

Uh, that doesn't look so good! No more multi-quoting for me until I learn a few things....

[chia1214]

Hopping aboard my thread to document another couple of dose decreases. Recalculated my 1% drop at a new dose once I hit 180mg. I'm definitely having to manage all aspects of my life differently now that I'm operating in a much more active capacity. Still learning how much I can take on and when to say no. Trial and error, but overall I'm managing the activities I've committed to. I'm much more in tune with what activates/stimulates my CNS now than ever I was. Safe to say I was just numb and out of touch while so medicated over the years. So now I need to pay attention more. Which is a good thing for me.

 

 

Still glad to be safely and slowly tapering, one mg at a time... 

[AliG]

 Hi Chia,

So good to hear from you.  Sounds like your slow taper is definitely working for you. I'm glad you're working out what you can handle . (or not !).  I think this process helps us all to  "listen to our bodies", and work within those parameters.  I think a lot of us have been "comfortably  numb", at times, with the medication.  The challenge, I suppose is to move forward, in "total awareness", and to never go back  to abdicating  our health to anyone , but ourselves. We have to be our own " health advocates ".

 

 

Keep up the "good fight " !   

 

Ali. 

[JanCarol]

Hi Chia, I just read your story from the beginning.  You go girl!  For someone who was started on the drugs so young, you are so together, so disciplined (I guess you've had to be!), and well on the road to freedom from the drugs!

 

Some time ago, you wrote:

 

 

I began a water titration taper of the Lamictal yesterday (prescribed over 10 years ago after being given a bipolar 2 diagnosis - was told that taking anti-depressants alone all the previous 15 plus years had caused me to become bi-polar - not sure I buy into that) 

 

I'm with you there.  I got that dread "bipolar 2" diagnosis, but it is difficult to draw the line between situations, drug induced mania (and hypomania), and that DSM kitchen sink title.  I'm going with the first two - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!  

 

Psych drugs, and especially the SSRI's / SNRI's can stimulate intensity of symptoms.  So you take an antidepressant - over time, you get more and more wracked, until your SIDE EFFECTS ****look**** like bipolar.  Lacking any other "proof," the docs call it "Bipolar 2."  Happened to me, except I was lucky - they didn't start me on the drugs until I was in my 20's.

 

Later, you wrote: 

 

I'm still finding it hard to dialog on here. Don't know why exactly, just seems to be a block when I go to write something on my own thread or comment on someone else's. I end up deleting everything. I would like to improve on that, but that's where I'm at right now. 

 

Well.  I've heard others (who are now moderators!) say this.  We are conditioned in our society not to burden each other, to keep it all in, to not talk about it - and we are afraid (those of us who have been "in the system,") that if we do talk about it, it will have consequences.

 

We are also afraid that we will spread a contagion, or expose a traumatic place, or leave ourselves vulnerable - or - a far worse threat - be boring or banal.

 

This is a very forgiving community - these people have been through any number of mills, and all we ever ask is that you come with what you have, and leave with what you get.  If that is writing and deleting - that is still healing, because you considered a number of thoughts and feelings before you deleted.  That can be healing, too, even if none of us ever hear about it.

 

But - consider this:  if it is healing for you - there is a chance that someone reading it will find it healing, as well.  Don't be afraid, to post, or not to post.  Your call.  I find your contributions to be uplifting, charming, and really quite amazing, especially considering the journey you have been on!

 

and, lastly:

 

With nearly 4,000 members, how do you people decide who to follow, who to reply to, and how much time do you spend on here doing that??

 

OMG Chia!  That is the $6,000,000 question!  I struggle with it all the time.  When I first came here, I was a lot like you - I only went to a few places, mostly just tracked my journey on my own thread.  (you and I are about the same age BTW - I love Simon and Garfunkel!)  Then, as people commented - I was actually surprised - I didn't understand how it worked really.

 

I still am amazed at how many people visit how many threads in a day!  I am the world's slowest mod, and I'm still trying to answer your question!

 

I think many people visit people who seem to have things in common with them, like "polydrugging," or "PTSD" or "anxiety" or "this drug" or "that drug."  THEN, as they get around and visit threads, they get more visitors, too.

 

That's how I found your thread, based on a wisdom comment you made on someone else's thread.  It's organic for me, there's no real order in it - but I agree - it's overwhelming! 

 

I guess I try not to feel obligated or overwhelmed.  Some people really know how to "work the room," and I'm more of a wallflower.  If you come over to me and ask me to dance, I won't say "No," but there will be an awkward moment!       But then I will dance, and probably enjoy it, too!

 

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Chia, you are a charming, creative woman, and I see good things coming your way!  Isn't it terrific to have more of yourself back?  I'll bet your loving hubby is thrilled!

[chia1214]

Hello JanCarol, thanks for paying me a visit! Oh my! How did you do that nice quotation job?! You see how I mangled my attempt. Well, it's nice of you to have read my thread, thankfully it's still rather short! I've cut way back on my online time for the most part. I even deactivated my social media account. It's just better for me that way right now.

 

I'm reading through some of your thread when I pop on here, I think it's nice to visit my visitors. 

 

Still dropping my dosages, s-l-o-w-l-y.

 

-- Chia

[chia1214]

Would one of you kind forum volunteers please correct the spelling of clonazapam to clonazepam in the title of my intro topic? (should be an "e" after the z)

Mostly for the benefit of anyone doing searches.

 

Oh, and please delete the word "later" if that's permitted. I'm alternating and parallel dropping now, have been for a little while now that I'm an informed weaner. 

 

Thanks!   -- Chia

[brassmonkey]

All fixed Chia.

[chia1214]

Thank you very much, Tom! 

[chia1214]

I'm popping on to update my current dose on my sig.

So I'm dropping 1.5% every 4 weeks, but I arrive there by dropping 0.75% of the previous weeks dose for 3 weeks, then hold for one week.

This makes the drop much more gradual and is gentler on my system.

So instead of making one larger drop every 4 weeks, which is what I was doing, I am now making 3 smaller weekly drops then holding for one week.

Next month will be a year since I joined SA and began my taper.

Last year I was not hosting and preparing Thanksgiving dinner at my home like I am tomorrow. Last year I was weeping, wailing and despairing very, very deeply.

So I'm very thankful. But I was rather overwhelmed parts of the day during some of the prep work. Like, Yikes! I'm riding without my training wheels and this feels a bit wobbly! Only dinner for 9, but first time in a very long time I'm taking something like this on, in my own home. Oh, my DH is here, can't forget to mention him! 

Thankful.  -- Chia

[AliG]

Hi Chia ,

 

I'm so pleased you continue to do so well . After what you have been through, it's really exceptional. How did you arrive at your current tapering schedule ? It seems to work for you extremely well .

What a difference a year has made to you . Congratulations . Happy thanksgiving . I hope it all goes well.  I hope you will be writing your success story ,one day soon.

 

Ali

[chia1214]

Hi Ali! Nice to have you visit. I arrived at my current taper schedule by observing my moods. DH did my calculations. This newest adjustment seems to be making a difference. I'm not all sunshine and roses though, so can't accept the exceptional status. I've definitely had to hunker down and work on getting a handle on the moods. I just don't have the desire to chronicle the daily life details here. Just basic updates for now. But no doubt, better overall than last year!

 

Dinner went very well, thanks! 

 

--- Chia

[brassmonkey]

Hi Chia-- I'm so glad that you've hit on a plan that is working.  And I so happy that you were able to take on the Thanksgiving duties and pull them off, such an improvement from last year.  Keep up the good work.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[chia1214]

One year ago today I joined this forum and began a taper of the two remaining drugs I have in my system, Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 200mg and Clonazepam (Klonopin) 1mg.

 

One year ago today I was already in protracted withdrawal from several AD’s & AP’s and was quite unstable. As my journal here bears record, it took some time for a few stable periods to occur.

 

As of this post, my dose is Lamotrigine 159.5 and Clonazepam 0.813mg. So in a year I've decreased L by approx 40mg and C by about 0.20mg. It's a good beginning for me.

 

This month I am thinking of doing a longer hold and giving my brain and body a rest from tapering for a while. I have been feeling a bit hyper-vigilant and ultra-sensitive and it’s uncomfortable. And probably unnecessary. What's the hurry after 40 years, right?   

 

I’ll consider it my year-end vacation to myself and everyone in my life.

 

Thank you SA for my one-year anniversary of learning to live without psych drugs!

 

Hope this encourages someone to press on with renewed hope upon reading this!

 

-- Chia

[ChessieCat]

Hi Chia,

 

Happy Anniversary for today.  Well done and all the best for your next year. 

 

CC

[brassmonkey]

Hi Chia--  Happy anniversary.  It's sure been an interesting year hasn't it.  You've made such strides. It's wonderful hear that you're doing so well.  Taking a well deserved year end break would be a nice reward.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[chia1214]

Just jumping on here for my monthly quickie update. Absolutely nothing has changed since last month, which for me is a very wonderful thing! Yay! 

 

I have not made any dose changes. I am concentrating on maintaining a clean diet which is going well. 

 

Many of the horrific symptoms I arrived here with last year have gone, and I am learning to navigate with my "new" brain as it heals and as my taper continues. 

 

Some day maybe I'll write more details, but I am content now just to chronicle the basics. If anyone wants more specifics they can feel free to PM me. I feel committed to documenting my "case" here if for no other reason than it may provide hope to someone else. Our brains can and do heal from these drugs and we can get off them. Even after a really, really, really, really long time. Yes, even after 40 years.

 

Okay, jumping off now, back to real life again. Splash!  Yay!

 

-- Chia

[chia1214]

Updating my thread and my signature to reflect my current dose. My taper is continuing and I am familiar enough now with my patterns to embrace the wisdom of the serenity prayer each day. Keeping it simple. I have arrived at a comfortable taper pace and continue to be engaged in meaningful activities and relationships in real life. Right-side-up living has definitely replaced topsy-turvy emotional chaos. 

 

Continuing to offer hope to anyone who thinks they've been on too many meds  or on meds too long to ever consider going down or off. There is a lot of good information here to make sensible, informed decisions to customize your own taper.

 

That's all for now!  -- Chia

[brassmonkey]

Hi Chia-- I'm so glad things have settled in and are going smoothly.  Hitting the sweet spot in your taper is an accomplishment and the rest of your life going well is a huge plus.  Keep up the good work, and be sure to tell us all about it.

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[chia1214]

Thanks brass! Always nice to get your encouraging words and hugs!

-- Chia

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh yay! Glad to get an update from you and a positive one at that. Slowly reducing your drugs is obviously working, look at how far you have come. (And from a history of some heavy duty ones in the past too.) I hope things continue to go well.

[AliG]

Chia.   It's always great to hear how wonderfully well you are doing  !      I hope you keep updating , and look forward to eventually reading your success story. 

Alison 

[chia1214]

Thanks Alison and CW - Yes, I want to keep updating, however minimally since I don't spend much time on the site now. I know how much hope I found when I came aboard, that helped me navigate the exceedingly churning waters at the start of my taper journey. Thanks for taking the time to comment here!

-- Chia

[chia1214]

I feel like posting something today, beside an update. My relationship to God is my prime support and I haven't posted much about that here. Today I feel like sharing some about that, it may be helpful to someone. I am borrowing words from someone else, I'm not as articulate as I hope to be down the recovery road, so I often will borrow others' skills. This person's post mirrors what I've found helpful for my own negativity.

http://www.sherrisand.com/how-do-i-get-rid-of-negative-thoughts/

 

Also, Graham Cooke's Brilliant Perspectives website has much to offer me for reminders of who I am and who I am becoming, which keeps my focus where I want it to be. One of his quotes which I consciously grab often and utilize, is, “If you don’t like the thought you’re having, have another thought.”

 

Hope this helps someone, I don't think it will harm anyone! 

 

--Chia

[chia1214]

Adding a quick post to my thread...

 

I've had a much better time since I quit all B vitamins. Meaning the anxiety/inner trembling which was constant and high every morning upon wakening, shot down to an idle. Tinnitus decreased significantly also. Continuing to be AD free since December 2014, focusing on finishing off the benzo, then out will go the Lamotrigine. Feelin' clean.

[brassmonkey]

Hey Chia-- That's such wonderful news getting those symptoms under control.  Makes life a lot nicer.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[chia1214]

Seems time to pop on here and update - I've made no changes this quarter. Bumpy life circumstances resulted in bumpy emotions so I did not want to add extra stress by fiddling with my meds. I'm planning to resume my slow taper come January. I'm reminded this is a s-l-o-w but steady process for me. It's been 2 years now since I found this site and began a planned WD. I rarely focus on my drugs anymore, rather I look at how I can respond in more wholesome and healthier ways to whatever comes my way in life. My development in this area was arrested as an adolescent when I was first prescribed these drugs. So I'm basically a 14 year old at 54. Next year I'll be 15.  

[brassmonkey]

Great to hear that you're doing well.Wishing you a good holiday.

[AliG]

Chia. You're a legend. You've come such a long way . Have you experienced any symptoms or are you having a pretty clear run ?

[chia1214]

Wishing you and yours a happy holiday as well, Tom. Thank you.

 

AliG, I don't think about my symptoms as symptoms anymore, not like I did when my compass was spinning the first year or so after joining the forum. If I'm having strong anxiety for example, I used to panic even more and try to attack the panic. Now I breathe deeply and employ other techniques to address what might be happening. For me now, anxiety is just a signal something else is going on, so I try to pay attention to that. So I guess I traded in my symptoms for signals. I think panic and despair used to be major defaults for me. Learned helplessness is what it's called in some circles. Every challenge I encounter (whether I call it a symptom or a signal or a conflict of any kind) is an opportunity for me to grow, that's how I'm choosing to see life. I'm not saying I always choose to fully embrace each opportunity immediately and thereby grow, but I'm also not staying stuck in the bushes as long when I run & hide. 

 

I know I'm posting very infrequently now, since WD has taken a backseat in my life (it's more like on the roof rack or on the trailer hitch to be more accurate metaphorically). I've said this before, I want to continue to update because even it it gives one person hope to reach for the goal of a psych meds-free life, it is so worth my time. This site, with all the shared information, helped me so much. And maybe someone reading might be thinking they've been on meds too long to consider ever going off, but they really want to. So they may see this lady Chia here, who is rowing a little gentler down that stream, and that might help them make a decision. Maybe this is just me trying to justify my boring posts, that's a possibility, hehe. Either way, I will be back. 

[Happy2Heal]

thank you so very much Chia for continuing to post, as someone else with a very long psych med history this gives me so much hope!

bless you for taking the time to come back here and post, I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it!!
 

[brassmonkey]

Your posts are far from boring Chia.  Your last one is so filled with positive thoughts and actions it couldn't do anything but help people.  The learning process we all have to go through is amazing and to see the way you have embraced it is truly inspiring.  To see the changes and improvements you've gone through over the past several years brings tears to my eyes.  I'm so happy for you.

 

As we heal it becomes necessary to move away from the group that has supported us so well. It's one of the best positive signs. It shows that we are putting it all in the past and moving on with our lives.  Which is as it should be.  We've experienced a rough patch, made our way through it, learned it's lessons and started to move on.  For our own continued growth, moving on is something we all must do.  To not move on is to give the experience unnecessary power over us and leave it in control. which is not healing.  Given more time the details of the suffering will fade. We will remember that it happened and that it was really bad, but the day to day pain and details will fade and leave us in peace.

 

Best wishes for continued healing.

 

Tom

[Shep]

Thank you for that beautiful post, Chia. 

 

You are truly inspirational, especially for those of us who have struggled on these drugs for decades, starting as teenagers. 

 

Wishing you much success as you continue tapering and healing. 

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[brassmonkey]

Congratulations on getting your sun symbol Chia, you really deserve it.