Mandy -CT off paxil

[mandy]

Hi all.

 

Here is my story in short.

 

30 year old, I've been battling with anxiety and depression for whole of my life.

Last year, while I was on antidepressants, I had a feeling that there was no time in my life when I was not depressed or anxious.

Until last year, I barely felt anything except that 2 feelings.

 

Here where I live, mental medicine is not great, and any kind of disorder is still socialy stigmatised so I was pretty much on my own.

I went to few pshyatrics and pshyoterapeuts, which gave me diagnosis which ultimatly werent "satisfying". Last year i was on paroxetine, staring at 20mg/day and end up for 4 months on 50mg/day, which I eneded cold turkey at the end of the year.

 

While I was on 50mg/day I felt great, my self esteem was great, I had energy, I was communicative and I sow a world in a totaly new view.

Even my eating habits changed, I had specific food urges, I eat less and healiter.

 

I decided to go off AD because I was feeling it blocked stuck some of my "wrong" view of the world. Which is in my case main source of problem.

Gut feeling of fear towards people, fear of intimacy, and low self esteem. I had a feeling that AD just gave me a boost and that if I don't heal inenr wounds that I will just be hitting a wall later in life, this time even at greater "speed".

 

Now I'm having swings of depression and anxiety during the day, mornings are worst, but during the day I have good periods. Trying to get a handle on it by nutrimental suplements,vitamins and fish oils, eating healtier and exercising. I use 5htp and find that it helps a lot.

 

During November and December, when I was on fully effective AD I was looking at world in different view, and it all seemed different, connected and exciting. I had no problem in talking to other people, going out, communicating... now when I look back, only vague memory is there, like it was just a dream. In that time, I've experienced many synchronicities, and a bit of other "paranormal" things. (search for similar experiences brought me on this forum).

 

 

Well, that's for now.

 

Cheers to you all.

[peggy]

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to our community!

So, from your story I gather you stopped Paxil abruptly last November/December? How long have you been completely off Paxil and how did you reduce (if at all). What symptoms are you experiencing at the moment?

[tezza]

Hi Mandy,

 

So sorry for your struggles! You have come to a good place for support. There is much knowledge here too.

 

I hope you'll be felling much better real soon.

 

If you would add your drug history, it would be a great help.

 

Here is the link with instructions:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

Thanks and cheers to you too!

[mandy]

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to our community!

So, from your story I gather you stopped Paxil abruptly last November/December? How long have you been completely off Paxil and how did you reduce (if at all). What symptoms are you experiencing at the moment?

 

Thanks for reply.

Yes. I've stoped abruptly after about 5 motnhs of usage. I had few physcal symptoms, shivering and trembling, but nothing to much serious.

 

As for psyhological symptoms, it is hard for me to "put a finger on it". As I wrote, I don't recall that I ever felt good, or in that point to identify what feelings I've had. Time when I was on AD, now seems like a distant memory. In a kind like a dream. I think that years of overanalysing, critical self talk and messed up life put me "out of myself". While I was on AD, I experienced world in a whole new way. Not I'm back to my usual/familiar feeling. I think it is best described that I am anxious and depressed. Other feelings gradualy emerse. Most of the days I wake up depressed, and it takes me even 30mins to get out of bed. I feel at ease for a few hours, and usualy anxiety kicks in again in evening. It's big struglle daily.

 

In a way I lost myself, and I functioned all of my life from a "observer" point of view. Scrutinising my self, and finding a way in which in every life situation I could ignore myself and go and act in some noble and "righteus" way. Totally no spontaniety, almost no real conenction to other people.

 

I had a situation half year ago, when I tried meditation, and for the first time since I can remember, I managed to deeply relax for 5 minutes, and almost to shut out my running train of thoughts - it was amasing, my body started to shiver for a few moments, which I think I never managed before.

 

Since I remembered i took me at least 45 minutes to fall asleep when I go to bed. for a 2 years it took me about 2 hours of lying in bed to fall asleep. Constant thoughts running in, no way to shut them down. My mind was active and running 24/day.

 

Now I manage to relax for some time, not too long as there is always hidden urge which bringes me back... I guess it is from some kind of trauma in childhood. Childhood itself is long story.

 

At the moment I'm trying to take it easy, and to rebuild myself. Rebuld my life, as it is mess, all of my realtionships are not so good, and in most of them I fall short, and the scary part is that they've been that all of my life, but I never sow it that way.

[Nikki]

Hi Mandy

 

I can relate to your story very much. I did take Paxil a long time back. I too had the anxiety/depression for most of my life. It became a huge problem in 1997. I had panic attacks continuously and didn't know what they were.

 

I tried a few things and finally went on Paxil. For me, like you, Paxil really worked well.

The anxiety/depression was at a normal level when problems cropped up. Problems that would give anyone anxiety/depression such as divorce, etc.

 

Paxil is a very potent drug so getting off of it abruptly can cause withdrawal. Anxiety/depression are part of WD. From what you have shared, you did well on it.

Anxiety/depression are real issues whether or not it is WD or something we have had our lives.

 

Like you, I am looking for answers too (about who I am and why I have this). I am not drug free. Don't know if I ever will be. It's not a crime and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Hope you feel better.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Mandy. You said up above:

Now I'm having swings of depression and anxiety during the day, mornings are worst, but during the day I have good periods.

 

This is a pattern many of us recognize as part of withdrawal syndrome. Withdrawal induces a hypersensitivity that might exaggerate morning cortisol increases, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1852-how-to-reduce-cortisol-both-rx-and-natural/ and other topics about cortisol and sleep in the Symptoms and Self-care forum.

 

You might not have had physical withdrawal symptoms, but your nervous system still has not adjusted from the cold turkey.

 

Believe it or not, a very small amount of Paxil, even 2mg, might help you. In some countries it is available as a liquid from the pharmacy or you can make Paxil into a liquid to take that small amount. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/405-tips-for-tapering-off-paxil-paroxetine/

 

If a small amount helps, you can stabilize on it for a month or two, then taper off very gradually, by 0.10mg or 0.010mg at a time if you need to. This will help your nervous system adjust.

[basildev]

Hi Mandy,

 

welcome to the community.

 

You'll find lots of great advice and support on this forum.

 

I'm a fellow paxil sufferer and the withdrawal symptoms can come on quite suddenly when you least expect them.

 

Maybe as Alto suggests, a small updose might make you feel a little better?

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Take care