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dalsaan

On healing and removing blocks to recovery

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dalsaan

Everyone wants to make progress and have healing occur.   That is the most significant thing we share and why we are here.  However, we are all capable of blocking our own healing particularly when the process and what we have to do challenges us. 

 

There are a number of reasons why we put up road-blocks to our recovery even though that’s what we desperately desire.  In reality, healing often entails:

 

·      Facing things that we have been avoiding or suppressing for a long time (for me, that was childhood sexual abuse and trauma);

·      Facing our fears and taking action in the context of uncertainty (even though you are terrified);

·      Holding ourselves accountable for how our actions impact our life (before and during withdrawal);

·      Believing healing is possible and trusting your body/mind;

·      Letting go of often long held stories about who and how we are in the world and being willing to find a new me in the process;

·      Being determined to cautiously identify the suite of unique conditions that best manifest our healing capacity;

·      Being patient and disciplined.

 

 

I think the people that have progressed down the road to recovery have been able to get out of their own way and carefully identify and create conditions that are conducive to recovery.   They are also conscious of and willing to address conditions that aren’t conducive to recovery, including those that they generate themselves.

 

None of this is easy and I am inspired by lots of people on this site and determined to keep myself accountable for my own continued healing.

 

Good healing to you all

 

Dalsaan

 

 

 


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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freespirit

Very well said Dalsaan. Causes and conditions for healing for each of us have both some common as well as unique features....in addition, those causes and conditions are always changing. It can be easy to get into traps of thinking, "I tried that and it didn't work" or "I know this works"...and not realize that we are always evolving, and we need to keep updating how we respond to the evolution. Really listening requires a moment to moment presence and willingness to not know the answer.


Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a.few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications: Natural Dessicated Thyroid 22.5 mg/day

Current Supplements: Vitamin C, D, K2, B12, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium lotion, oil, or epsom salts bath daily, CBD, and cannabis.What has helped me most: qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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dalsaan

All good points freespirit.  I think sometimes our greatest challenge is to have a moment by moment focus on the present so that we can listen.   I think its easy to get stuck in the past (what has happened to me, how long have I been in pain etc) or very orientated to the future (when will my taper finish/recovery be done)

 

The present is the gap between past and future.   It is real time so if we listen we can hear what is happening for us now.  it is also the only point in time that we can take action.

 

D


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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Hopeinahpwr

Dalsaan,

I like your point regarding being terrified, but taking action to change in spite of the fear. When I had come off the Zoloft and then the depression hit like a boulder...I feared the unknown, and rightly so, but now that I returned to zoloft to stabilize...I now fear the fear itself of reducing the meds again, which could be a roadblock to a successful end. I must not fear and fight thru the hell of post-AD effects.


On zoloft since 2000 for OCD/anxiety. Tapered off from 150mg to 100, 50, 25 over Dec/Jan 2015. After month n half off, began depression. Being terrified, as I never had depression before, after a few days, went back to 50mg, then five days later to 100mg. Now stable. I will stop this medication, with time and perseverance...my current taper level and timing are as follows, which includes No other Rx's, No alcohol, NEVER any illicit drugs:

84mg from October 2016

82mg from February 2017

79mg from April 2017

77mg from June 2017

75mg from July 2017

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation." - Viktor Frankl

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Persephone

Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for addressing what for me is the elephant in the room.

 

I am prone to "forgetting" big, important issues that I need to address, or at least hold in my conscience - like depression, like childhood sexual abuse.

 

So often I measure how I am doing in terms of tangible work and home busyness, perhaps as a means to avoid these hard issues. 

 

Not sure where to go from here. As many of you have already said, being present in the moment is key. And facing fears.

 

I am glad to have this issue out in the open.


1980-84?: tricyclic antidepressant? unknown dosage, gradually quit by forgetting to take it

2011: Cipralex 10 mg increased to 20 mg after two months, Zyprexa 2.5 mg increased to 5 mg after one month

2012: Cipralex 20 mg, Zyprexa reduced to 2.5 mg, then stopped (withdrawal symptoms attributed to depression), Abilify 2 mg, then increased to 5 mg 

2013: Cipralex 20 mg, Wellbutrin 150 mg, Abilify decreased to 2 mg and then stopped

2014: Cipralex reduced to 10 mg (no taper and withdrawal symptoms), Wellbutrin 150 mg

2015-16: Cipralex 10 mg, Wellbutrin 150 mg

Started tapering Cipralex on March 31, 2016: 9 mg; April 27: 8.25 mg, May 25: 7.25 mg

Off Cipralex late fall 2016 after a slow taper.

Off Wellbutrin late winter/early spring 2017 after a taper.

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Mort81

I think fear of the future is a big one for all of us. And no matter what capacity you are functioning in, you are always wondering when it will normalize. If we could all relax and flow and not put pressure on when will it come. Than I think it becomes easier. Being okay In the present with whatever your dealing with. How do you do that. I think by telling yourself its going to keep getting better no matter what. And after you tell yourself go back to focusing in on the present moment. Do it 100 times a day if you have to.


Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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Junglechicken

The emotional state of fear has held me in its grips for too long now as I live with continual pain of one form or another.

 

I have not succeeded in moving through the paralysing fear and into acceptance of what's happening to my body and my mind.

 

To be able to let go of my fear and actually LIVE again would be the biggest achievement of my life. This is a continual struggle.

 

The above is what I hope and strive for.


Dose History: 19 Feb 2014 - Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms faded. Held at this dose and experienced "windows and waves". 12 Oct 2017 Reduced dose to 1.25mg. 13 Mar 2018 Reduced dose to 0.625mg (approx.). 16 April 2018 0mg. Windows and waves triggered by stress (IBS/reflux, headaches, sinus issues) Aug 2019 Mirena coil fitted 6 Jan 2020 MAJOR Wave hit 19 months following last dose (protracted WD).  Symptoms listed below Mar 2020 Mirena coil removal.

Therapy: Nov 15th 2016 Re-started therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT Dec 2017 Started listening to Hypnotherapy CD (self-esteem). Nov 2019 Started couples therapy.

Supplements: "Bioglan" Biotic Balance Ultimate Flora 10 billion CFU, live Bacteria, Probiotic, suitable for Vegetarians, with Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Lactobacillus Rhamnosus, Bifidobacterium Longum"Pukka" Vitalise a unique blend of 30 energising botanicals.

Diet: 16 April 2018 Detox cleanse / anti-candida for 90 days. Jan 2020 Started "small plate" diet (i.e child size portions).

Exercise: Stretching, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, Elliptical/upper body workout, walking.

Medical Test Results: 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program 24 Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment + anti-Candida diet started due to suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). DETOXED for 7 weeks to "re-set" gut. April 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Comprehensive Stool Analysis NEGATIVE; Full Blood Count (Normal) / Blood Cholesterol: 5.6 (Borderline) / Blood Sugar (Normal) / 28 Jun 2017 FSH 8.2 / 14 Nov 2017 FSH 17.7 Dec 2017 Blood Cholesterol: 3.9 (Normal) / Kidney Function (Normal) / Blood Sugar (Normal). December 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Food panel allergy (bloodwork) analysis - a few "VERY LOW/VL" allergens; Mar 2018 "Genova Diagnostics" SIBO urine analysis: High Level of Yeast/fungal markers found in small intestine but NO SIBO.  April 2018 Thyroid (Normal) / Full Blood Count (Normal) / FSH (Normal). 16 April 2018 Started anti-Candida diet - 3 month protocol.   25 March 2020 All test results "Normal". CRP" 5 mg/L (normal range to 0-5 mg/L).

Symptoms:  Flu-like symptoms, anxiety, anhedonia, sinus headaches right-side (severe), IBS issues/reflux (severe)**, tinnitus, fatigue, inner tremor, nausea, chills/hot flushes, pounding heart, muscular issues including stiff left hip flexor, intense anger, PSSD (ongoing).  **Histhamine intolerance (suspected).

 

Major Life Events: 

Re-located to UK from Canada: Jan 2016

My father died: 5:05pm, Monday 5 Feb 2018 Last Lexapro dose: 16 April 2018 (its now been over a year since I quit ADs)

Moved house: Friday 23rd February 2018  "Divorced" toxic Mother: Monday 26 March 2018 Starting working again: 19 November 2018

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elbee

Good stuff, thanks!


My suggestions are not medical advice. They are my opinions based on my own experience, strength and hope.

You are in charge of your own medical / healing / recovery choices.

My success story |  My introduction thread

 

ZOLOFT FREE - COMPLETELY DRUG FREE 4/28/2019! - total time on 28+ years

BENZO FREE! 4/7/2018 - total time on 27+ years

REMERON FREE! 12/11/2016 - total time on 15 months

Caffeine & Nicotine Free 2014 / 2015 - smoked for 28 years

Alcohol Free 4/1/2014 - drank for 30 years

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abbykoch

It's really important that people know what they are eating, a lot of depression can be because of food.

Edited by ChessieCat
removed obscenity

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Buffy

This is a great topic and just when I needed to hear it. Once again - thankyou SA. I cant post much- but do read and gain insight, relief and 'support'. This is one of those time.

 

My body is changing, and as it does, my needs do. I will try not to feel ashamed of what I now need (ie help taking the rubbish out, or help to purchase clothes and food) as I know my needs will again change and as I heal from this experience I will continue to learn self care in its essence. Listening to my evolving body with no judgement, moving at the pace I need.


Currently on 50mg Fluvoxamine. Reading more before the next attempt at tapering.

 

Started Lexapro 04, have been mostly on med combinations since for 12 years.

May 2015 - zeldox 80 - 100mg, fluvoxamine 200mg, dexamphetamine 10mg

Lorazepam and clonazepam on and off for over a decade. Heavily sedated with antipsychotics - mostly Zyprexa and seroquel. Many hospitalisations. Many types of therapy, last being 7 years of psychodynamic that only figured out my pain was real.

Pain meds - Lyrica 150mg palexia 100mg - discontinued eary 2016

Done ok so far but cant drop the last antidepressant without physical illness.

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Happy2Heal

great post, worth re reading several times

 

thank you


  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictalBrief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 tapered down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again, too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
 

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Lawyerliz

Living in the moment is hard when you are shivering and sweating. But reading lots of these comments makes me realize that I am not alone, and that others have come back from being worse off.

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Lawyerliz

Lovely, simply lovely. I think that a lot of people who seem to be perfectly all right are actually a total mess. So if you know you are a mess, you are actually a step ahead of them. You don't come with mess or not mess paintend on your forehead.

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Lawyerliz

More chopping, now I am legitimately exhausted, not fatigued.

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pinkfairy

Fantastic post,I will be re-reading all this....fear is by far my biggest obstacle!so much childhood traumas...I wouldn't even no where to start to begin to pick up the pieces from this mess!!brillant post


Binge drinker thru out my life 17/37,recreational use of street drugs 17-30. Numerous AD from age 23 upwards

Matazpine 30mg 2007-2012

Paxil an zopiclone 2012-2016

Taken off Paxil in four weeks in janurary 2016

Given diazepam 2-4 feb to June 2016

C/t diazepam June (had no idea not too)

Reinstated 8mg of diazepam in July,crossed over to 8mg of diazepam! given 7.5 matazpine.

Nov 2016 at 5 mg of diazepam

Given Olanzpine 2.5 November 28th-stopped

paxil 1mg 3rd of dec -stopped

Started liquid diazpam 10th of jan.alchol free 13month

February 2018 - reduced to 4 mg diazepam and 7.5 mg mirtazapine

November 2018 - tried 2% diazepam reduction - updosed back to 4 mg after one week

 

 

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Bcdrugfree

I agree the present moment is the only way to move through withdrawal process. I do find myself wondering what life will be like ssri free. At this point it's important to take it day by day and believe that things will change. The big difficulties of withdrawal is the ups and downs and the good days bad days struggle. Finally feel things are getting better then you go two steps back. Staying present is very important at this point of our struggle together:)


20 mg cipralex for 6 years, did a two months taper roughly 5mg at a time. Then 2 months drug free. Then needed to reinstate 5mg cipralex for one week now. Also take omega 3,Vit c, b12, glucosamine as supplements.

 

-so I've reinstate 5mg cipralex since may.19 till current.

 

-No other drugs being taken

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gigi63

Amen. I could not agree more!!!

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pinkfairy

Am defiantly standing in my own way of recover...

am terrified to leave my comfort zone!my wheels are just spinning...I no what am doing but I can't seem to let myself stand aside..the fear is off the scales.

i don't trust life :( 


Binge drinker thru out my life 17/37,recreational use of street drugs 17-30. Numerous AD from age 23 upwards

Matazpine 30mg 2007-2012

Paxil an zopiclone 2012-2016

Taken off Paxil in four weeks in janurary 2016

Given diazepam 2-4 feb to June 2016

C/t diazepam June (had no idea not too)

Reinstated 8mg of diazepam in July,crossed over to 8mg of diazepam! given 7.5 matazpine.

Nov 2016 at 5 mg of diazepam

Given Olanzpine 2.5 November 28th-stopped

paxil 1mg 3rd of dec -stopped

Started liquid diazpam 10th of jan.alchol free 13month

February 2018 - reduced to 4 mg diazepam and 7.5 mg mirtazapine

November 2018 - tried 2% diazepam reduction - updosed back to 4 mg after one week

 

 

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powerback

I've suffered way to much still taking this disgusting mind/soul altering poison ,taper  started again and I'm not going back never .easy to say in this window but my toolkit has improved .I've come so far in understanding my resilience .

peace to everyone .

PB


Alcohol free since February 2015 

1MG diazepam

4.5MG PROZAC.

 

 

 

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powerback

if your going through hell ,just keep going .this is a quote from Winston  Churchill  I like .


Alcohol free since February 2015 

1MG diazepam

4.5MG PROZAC.

 

 

 

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Mjau

Very well said dalsaan. 

As the the tapering is progressing and the concentration of the drug is getting lower and lower - feelings will re-emerge, we will have to learn how to feel again, be present with what is, face our fears, examine our fears.

 


1997-1999 Citalopram 20 mg

1999-2014 Sertraline 50 mg

2012 Sertraline very quick taper due to side effects. Switched to Wellbutrin 150 mg-300 mg. Reinstated Sertraline 25 mg-50 mg.

2013 Exhaustion. Wellbutrin 150 mg. Sertraline 75 mg-100 mg.

Sept 2014 Found this site. Started tapering. Sertraline 87,5 mg + Wellbutrin 150 mg 

Aug 2015 No more Wellbutrin!! Sertraline 50 mg

2016 Sertraline 35 mg (January) - 33 mg (March 21st) - 32,5 mg (July 11) - 32 mg (July 27)

2017 March 28,2 mg and holding

 

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Justcope
On 5/10/2017 at 8:52 AM, Bcdrugfree said:

I agree the present moment is the only way to move through withdrawal process. I do find myself wondering what life will be like ssri free. At this point it's important to take it day by day and believe that things will change. The big difficulties of withdrawal is the ups and downs and the good days bad days struggle. Finally feel things are getting better then you go two steps back. Staying present is very important at this point of our struggle together:)

I agree with you 100%. I’m trying mindfulness everyday, but while in a wave, it’s so hard and my biggest issue is anxiety, and the face that while in a wave, enjoying simple things- even just a walk and listening to the birds - doesn’t work. I feel.. nothing. This in turn makes me so feerful of the future. That I won’t feel properly again. How do you manage to stay present when in a wave? 


Hi! I’m JustCope. 

 Currently tapering off 20mg lexapro. I’m about 10 weeks in and at 5mg- kinda fast I realise- stupidly listened to a GP who spoke to me for 5 mins about stopping lexapro. 🤕

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Hurtmost

I just experience the wave horror and cry. There isn’t much more I can do.

 

I hear you though, Justcope. I think some of my anxiety has lessened lately, but I feel like I have no idea who I am now. I am afraid of life and I am afraid of death. Much feels confusing and unpleasant. My humor, curiosity, and spirit are so far away. It takes an enormous amount of strength and faith to believe they’ll be back. I want them to come back though, so I keep breathing- attempting to make it into the world. That intense persistent anxiety makes it HARD though. Hang on. One day at a time.


-Began Zoloft and Wellbutrin prescription 2009. The antidepressants stopped working. Psychiatrists began increasing doses reaching maximum in 2016: 

-200mg Zoloft, 300mg Wellbutrin, 10mg Adderal. (adderal only summer of 2017) 

-Summer/fall 2017 I began to decrease at a rate of 25% every 4 weeks by myself. I ended meds in February 2018.

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servadei
1 hour ago, Hurtmost said:

I just experience the wave horror and cry. There isn’t much more I can do.

 

I hear you though, Justcope. I think some of my anxiety has lessened lately, but I feel like I have no idea who I am now. I am afraid of life and I am afraid of death. Much feels confusing and unpleasant. My humor, curiosity, and spirit are so far away. It takes an enormous amount of strength and faith to believe they’ll be back. I want them to come back though, so I keep breathing- attempting to make it into the world. That intense persistent anxiety makes it HARD though. Hang on. One day at a time.

I have felt exactly like this. Hang on, it does get better. I've got it all back, and I am still getting it..piece by piece. There is not much to do but to wait, just like you said - one day at a time.


CD off meds in July 2015, not on any medication since. Went through WD nightmare, now dealing with normal anxiety, but decided not to leave this forum yet because I want to support and give hope to others. ♡

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Walking
On 7/15/2017 at 4:47 PM, powerback said:

if your going through hell ,just keep going .this is a quote from Winston  Churchill  I like .

Thanks, powerback, I needed to hear that right now b/c I am indeed going through hell, and am determined to keep walking the path as well as I possibly can, no matter what.


3/2018: 10mg/day escalitopram; 10/19/18: blood tests revealed mild hypothyroidism & higher than normal cholesterol, so decided to discontinue by tapering off & reduced to 5mg/day; 11/11/18: reduced to approx. 2.5mg/day (inexact since using pill splitter). Resumed long-discontinued Solgar cal/mag/zinc but the exhaustion came back so will try to cut dosage. Taking a plethora of vits/minerals for many years; wondering whether some of what I'm on is causing the exhaustion that came on 3.5 yrs ago w/broken foot & never left. Discontinued 12/2/18. Each step down. Took 3 weeks to stabilize enough for next stage. A month out from discontinuation, I am symptom free except for occasional cognitive fog, and intermittent muscle soreness. 6 weeks out (1/19/19), feeling pretty good, a bit active bowel still and gym stamina back to 80% pre-medication levels.

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xyz

 a powerful video about panic attack. i wish i saw that before getting on benzo

 

 


june 2014 to feb  2015- on xanax 0.25 to 1mg/day- then CT - jan 2016 - panic attack, went on 3.75mg remeron to sleep march 2016- CT remeron (because it caused me tinnitus)- deep depression, couldn't sleep because of  intrusive Tinnitus

april to june 2016- valium 4mg, xanax as needed, lunesta 3mg

june 2016 - valium 4mg, lexapro 10mg

oct 2016- valium 2mg, lexapro 10mg- hold

march 2017- started daily micro liquid taper of valium and lex- -taper speed 0.0033mg valium daily and 0.033mg lex daily

may 2018- valium 1mg, lexapro 2.4mg - i had to slow down the rate of my daily micro taper considerably

LAST dose of Lexapro: 0.05mg on 05/17/19

LAST dose of valium: 0.04mg on 08/18/19

April 26th 2020- intense panic attack that lasted 4 days, akatisia, 0 sleep- suicidal, almost hospitalized- took rescue doses over 2 days- total: 1.5mg xanax, 18mg valium, 2x5mg lexapro

 

 

 

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cathnz

Titled:  Unwiring old beliefs

 

I'm finding myself at a difficult junction. After 17 years, the meds have turned on me and are no longer 'making me feel good'. I'm not going to lie...they pulled me out of a very deep dark depression and utter panic and anxiety more than once. So despite my reluctance to ever start on them, I became to trust in them and thank them. Until last year, when my AD pooped out (2nd time that's happened in 17 years), and this time a med switch didn't rescue me. I found this site, and have learned things I never knew. And now I'm having to unlearn and unwire what I've spent 17 years believing... that the only way I can survive my depression and anxiety is with meds. I'm now facing acceptance that they're not going to work for me anymore, and that I need to face the ugly depths of depression without them. I'm going to need to live through some huge life events that will bring grief...on my own and no meds. I've had much cbt over the years but that alone wasn't enough. Are there any of you that doubted you'd survive off the antidepressants, but due to side effects or poop out you had to taper, and were pleasantly surprised that you could actually survive off them better than you ever believed possible? So your hardwired beliefs were unwired?

I've read much about tapering, and that it's important to feel ready to come off and that's the key to success. If I'm entirely honest, I'm not ready. I still have this stupid ingrained belief that I can't survive off them. But I'm being forced off them due to side effects (and not wanting to ever hit tolerance again and be forced off them in crisis... been there, done that, not fun). So am I ready, no. Do I have to, yes. Does this set me up to fail? 

 

I hope this makes sense. My brains not what it used to be. 

Edited by manymoretodays
added title, moved to similar topic from Tapering forum

 

Aug 2004 - Dec 2006: Aropax ( 20mg - 30mg). Aug 2007: Fluoxetine (for 3 weeks).

Sept 07 - July 12: Lexapro ( 10mg - 20mg). Pooped out July 12. Titrated down off Lexapro over 3 weeks and switched to Paroxetine (with Xanax to cover switch for 2 weeks).

Aug 2012 - Aug 2019: Paroxetine (titrated up to 20mg in first few weeks,, dose reduced to 15mg . for 7 years until it 'pooped out'.

4th Aug 2019 - Reduced dose of paroxetine to 10mg (for 1 day) - under phychiatrists directions. Last dose of paroxetine.

5th Aug 2019 - Switch to 15mg Mirtazapine.

5th Aug - 15th Aug 2019 - 15mg Mirtazapine plus intermitent use of Lorazapm (0.25- 0.5 . Also used 12.5mg Quetiapine for 3 nights for sleep.

23rd Aug 2019 - Ended up in crisis team. Mirtazapine increased to 30mg. Diazapam 10mg twice daily.

30th Aug 2019 - Mirtazapine 30mg + Diazapam reduced to 7.5mg twice daily

6th Sept 2019 - Mirtazapine 30mg + Diazapam reduced to 5mg twice daily

13th Sept 2019 - Mirtazapine increased to 45mg. Diazapam increased back up to 10mg twice daily.

20th Sept - 29th Sept 2019: Mirtazapine 45mg. Diazapam being reduced from 10mg down to 0mg this week (in 2mg increments couple of days).

30th Sept - Thursday 3rd Oct 2019: Mirtazapine 45mg. WORST ANXIETY EVER. Akathisia. Couldn't stay still. Suicidal idealization.

Friday 4th October - present: Reduced from 45mg to 30mg (straight drop to alleviate akathisia - reduction definitely helped alot but still not gone completely)

 

 

, Vit B6, Curcumin, Magnesium (no adverse effects from adding these supplements - have helped akathisia somewhat).

* Everything done from 23rd August under care of outpatient crisis team management.

 

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manymoretodays

Hi cathnz, @cathnz

I took your recent topic from the Tapering forum and moved it here, as it seems to fit.  We have so many great topics and discussions here.  Some get hidden away after awhile.  Feel free, to search, when wanting to put something out here.  I just usually do the simple search, from my main browser:  survivingantidepressants.org and then the subject or topic.  So if you do find a place you might want to put your post, other than here, just PM me.

Do explore though, that's encouraged.  Lot's of cool stuff in Off Topic too.  However, as it's for members only, it won't come up on a general search for topic or subject.

 

Yes, I have been pleasantly surprised as to what I have learned along the way now.  As well as how things unfolded for me......as to what kind of things were available, that I had not previously even considered.  Things that now really help me thrive.

 

Good topic.  And I know, that each of our cases are a bit unique, and I did not really touch on some of your concerns.

 

I think you might get some inspiration reading some of the posts in this thread, in regards to your question:  "Does this set me up to fail?"

And sometimes, something else just comes on in and determines our readiness, I suppose...... kind of like it or not scenarios.......yet, later.....hopefully, we understand and are happy about it somehow??

 

I don't know really.  About much.  Which often, in itself, keeps me wide open to some positive possibilities. 

 

Wish you well, and healing and recovery,

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic  2016 December 9- completely off all medications!!!!!

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= 1800 mg/day. Magnesium complex, orally, diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C, D3, and E.  B12, melatonin tapered to 1mg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=400 mcg plus daily spinach. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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