Franklander: A Dance with Escitalopram

[Franklander]

18:40 and I've come back from a botched job interview. Still stabilized: mild headaches and plenty of nostalgic moments, It's almost like I've spend a day being able to remember and sometimes act who I really was.
Only now I've come to realize that the "safest anti-depressant on the market" is also the strongest composite. Grudge is a feeling I can't contemplate, but it's almost impossible not to feel forsaken
by my former doctor. I just hope that age and taper can help me get away from this halt on my life much quicker.

[Franklander]

Btw, Thank you very much for your support Fresh.
If sometimes I seem to be really ungrate, please do not be mad, I'm really forgetful of even what I've had for dinner, and my short-term memory is not working on my favor for the moment!
But I can't stress enough how much your help has been paramount for me.

[Franklander]

19:17, and ever since I woke up I feel really really great. Almost like revisiting old feelings and sensations that I've thought long forgotten. My sexual
desires is slowly coming back to me, in a more mannered way. Brain fog and Mind Blank are still here, but my confusion is also somewhat contained.
I wish I wasn't just that much forgetful.

I've decided to maintain this dosage for, at least, a month and a half before start the tapering process.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Franklander,

 

It's good to hear that you are feeling more normal.  I understand what a relief it is, because I felt like that myself.  It's also a good idea to hold for a while. 

 

Could you please add the date to your signature for when you reinstated Lexapro?  This way people will be able to see it without searching through your posts.  It is a good idea to add the date and the dose to your signature whenever you make a change so that your signature stays current.

[Franklander]

13:00. Since the moment I've went to bed, I starter hearing this high pitched noise in my head, I woke up and it seems it hasn't gone. Is this permanent for people who went though tapering?

[Franklander]

18:21, the ear ringing comes and goes, my hearing is also extremely sensitive. I think it has something to do with my drums, because they usually pop in and out.
People say tinnitus is incurable, and I don't have anything else other than the hope that it will fade.
I've handled most symptoms really well, but I'm terrified of whatever surfaces. Stress is becoming harder to overcome.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Franklander,

 

My tinnitus changes in severity.  Thankfully it has never been unbearable but it has been fairly bad at times, but sometimes I hardly notice it.  It is a side effect of other types of medication too.

 

It's natural to be worried or scared about symptoms, but we do need to try and remain as calm and stress free as possible.  This will allow the brain the do what it needs to do, without having to divert its focus to cope with the stress.  Have you checked out the links I gave you previously?  Claire Weekes especially?

 

How is the brain fog?  Has it improved?

[Franklander]

Hey Chessie.

My tinnitus has been something that I've experienced very little when I was a kid. but this one is somewhat different: I feel fullness in my ears and sense of balance somewhat confused, besides a feeling of pressure in my head.
My ears also feel like burning sometimes.

I guess what I really need to do is to stop looking for whatever symptom surface and remain as cool as possible. I've checked and downloaded some of the pdfs you've sent me.
Keeping my cool has been my priority in life.



The Brain fog has not cessated, I believe it is a Lexapro's side effect on me. It has somewhat improved upon reinstatement and worsened after it. Memory has definitely gotten worse ever since.

 

[Fresh]

I agree with you Franklander , try and stay cool as a cucumber.  It's very easy to get worked up and upset about a 

particular symptom , only to find two days later that it changes.  

Change is good , it's your system trying to rebalance itself to find a new equilibrium.

 

Just look at how much has changed in 2 weeks.  You're going to continue to recover , and will see the improvement

reflected in many ways.    In around 2 or 3 months , when you're as stable as you can be , you'll improve more as you

taper slowly off that 1mg.

 

[Franklander]

Thank you Fresh, it is really discouraging when facing the anxiety of new symptoms arise. I can't get off track now, it is far too important.

20:20 and ever since past yesterday, only this sudden ear issue has been bothering me. The fullness in my ear, my head pressuring, noises are louder and - strangely - muffled than ever.

Besides it, I believe I'm beginning to sound more coherent in my speech and writing. The Brain Fog will most likely end with the tapering.

[Fresh]

One of the most annoying things about this process is the way symptoms come and go at will.

Now that your thinking is clearer , I'd like to suggest some threads for you to read.

 

  

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Face, jaw, tongue muscle tension and pain

Guided Meditations, Calming Videos, Sleep Hypnosis

Paresthesia: Pins & Needles, Numbness, Tingling, Burning Sensations

 

[Franklander]

Thank you for the suggestions Fresh, only now I've remembered about this old issue of mine, even so, It never bothered me until recently.

 

 

20:22 and today I'm physically wearied out. Just remembered tomorrow of my appointment. I wish I can tell her correctly of my current situation, if telling it is actually wise.
I'm unusually anxious about it. Meditation has been helping a bit, not so much that I can keep it up the entire day.
Anhedonia and exhaustion are my big baddies today.
I can't answer about the tinnitus, but definitely my jaw is partially responsible. The hearing sensitivity has weaned down a bit.
I realized that I hate every minute I'm under this medication.


Memory and Brain Fog remain untouched.

[ChessieCat]

Did you read the links in Post #31?  If not, I suggest you read them before seeing your doctor.

 

I suggest that if she wants you to make any changes that you post these here first so that the staff can assess it BEFORE you do what she suggests.  Getting a second opinion is a very good idea.

[Franklander]

Alright, I'll be posting whatever happens tomorrow.

Thanks again for your support, Chessie

[Fresh]

Try and stay calm at your appointment Franklander.  Remember , you have a plan in place that's working for you.

 

You're going to tell the doctor about it , you're not asking their advice. 

 

Most doctors will tell you that you need bigger doses because that's what they have been taught.  

Listen politely , and say thank you , you'll think about it   .

[Franklander]

Yesterday I didn't post based on decision. I've realized part of the severity of this stress is my inability to forget about my current predictment, denial is not being helpful. So yesterday I've spent trying to focus on other topics, usually what makes me forget it are clinging to my older memories. I'm not beign able to immerse in reading or watching. A side effect from Lexapro I believe, since it really ramps up my anhedonia. My attention has not improved.

My memory is still handicapped, though I've noticed a much more sober approach to my writing, and my speech - even though not as good as it used to be - has improved.

 

My appointment was pretty much bad for the reasons I will detail next:

 

This one psychiatrist had access to my history, since it was in the last clinic I've attended, from prior 2014, there was no choice other than her knowing about my past with meds. I've started explaining my history, and she understood that I've been through a withdrawal - even though being somewhat skeptical about it (also correcting me that it is a discontinuation, since there are no cravings) - she confessedly told me that I'm her second patient reporting a continuous withdrawal. I've told her about my plan and, even though she seemed a good listener, my speech most likely felt on deaf ears.

 

What probably screwed up was - obviously - her access to my history as a bearer of depression, since that she hipothesized that besides the withdrawal I might be suffering from a relapse of Depression, she did something that I've actually feared the most: changing medications. Velafaxine would be the one. She says that even though I'm possibly on withdrawal, 1mg is a way too insignificant dose, basically null. So what she proposed was a tapering of 2 weeks, on the second one I would be skipping doses, and the third one I would already be totally suspended from the medication. Meanwhile, at the second week I would already instate Velafaxine on 75mg and after it I would go to 150mg and stay with it for almost 2 years.

 

I think I couldn't stress enough how much I do not want to change/take another med, but she was really adamant on her diagnosis. Besides her dismissing my ADHD (at this point I also doubt of my own stance on my possibly ADHD). I've couldn't have my Escitalopram prescription, but I think I can get it from someone else. Is it wise to change meds at this point? I'll definitely feel like back at ground zero.

I have pills for some more weeks.

 

Different from my last one doctor tho, she seemed really interested in my case and in helping me. I wish I could have been more assertive in my own tone.

[Franklander]

20:25 and I am - for the most part- used to these symptoms. Today I've made the commitment of disregarding any more fatalist articles about withdrawals, hopelessness is by far
the one symptom that can destroy everything I've accomplished so far.

I've noticed changes in my sexual life, it is not that hard to accomplish an erection so far, but it is not as easy as it was. Today I've commited a cardinal sin of eating chocolates,

but I can't notice anything other than a reminder of my brain when it was on Ritalin and prior to it, for a little part, I could function better cognitively, even if by little. 

I think it is about time on asking about nutrition and vitamin intakes: what does any of you recommend for a less painful withdrawal?

Thanks for reading.

[Franklander]

15:33 and my tinnitus' severity went high and lowered a bit, I'm treating my jaw with the care I didn't give it a very long time. Having some bursts of shortness of breath and runny nose.

Apologies for my first message from yesterday, it was really badly written.

[Fresh]

Hey Franklander , it sounds like you handled yourself really well at the doctor. I'm quite sure you're correct that she had read your file and decided a course of action before you even

arrived. It would be better for you not to change medications at this point. Just look at how much difference 1mg is making for you , and her plan is to get you onto 150mg of something?

Now THAT sounds crazy to me !!

 

It's a wonderful idea to start assisting your recovery with some basic supplements.

We recommend Omega 3's , fish oil (and eating loads of nuts and seeds) and magnesium , which helps with over 300 processes in our bodies , and can have a relaxing effect. See

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/?view=findpost&p=86741&hl=magnesium

 

These threads are about healing

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/10964-the-dr-claire-weekes-method-of-recovering-from-a-sensitized-nervous-system/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/658-easing-your-way-into-meditation-for-a-stressed-out-nervous-system/

 

[ChessieCat]

Hi Franklander,

 

It's great to see how well you are doing.

 

I suggest that you start the process of getting your new prescription as soon as possible, just in case there are any delays.  It would be horrible if you ran out of Lexapro.

[Franklander]

Yesterday I've taken some Omega 3 (it was a 500mg capsule with 270mg of EPA and 180mg of DHA). The initial bout was one of anxiety but I've noticed an improvement in my focus.

Today, 17:44 and - for the first time ever since reinstatement - I've felt my first jolt of introspection and deep thought. Something I've not experienced ever since a while. Even though my mental
imagery was not as potent as it used to be, for the first time ever since I've done with Ritalin, I've felt like my old self. If this window appeared so soon, I believe it is good news.

For once, I feel like doing good at the point of visualizing myself on the other side of this road.

 

Quick question: Is it possible to grow dependent on a vitamin supplement?

[Franklander]

22:42: My tinnitus has become constant and unending. It seems I'm losing my hearing indeed. I'm starting to think of it as a direct reaction to Lexapro, as if by memory I've recalled when my Jaw was in a much worse shape and the drug worsened my state, back in 2013.
I've been pretty stabilized, somewhat anhedonic and less panicked than usually. Commited the crime of having caffeinated drinks today. Mom stressed me out due to my "lack of iniciative" at looking for jobs.
My last panic surge was due to the need of escaping from this state.
I feel less debilitated mentally, still far from 100%. Still disorientated most of the time.
Yesterday I've had a sexual rebound, not long lasting.
I'll probably stick with taking fish oil once per 2 days, the headaches are almost unbrearable.
I'm still trying to figure out what I really enjoy in the end.

 

 

My memory has been a mess of resurfacing of older memories. As bad as it was before, to the point that I've remembered that I actually rekindled Ritalin probably earlier than I did Lexapro back in last year's December.

I just hope these symptoms go away at the end of the taper.

[Fresh]

If you think the fish oil is making the headaches worse , best to stop it. Some people do report an unpleasant activating

effect. Maybe try it again in a couple of weeks.

 

It's probably not a good idea to be looking for a job at the moment. Interviews are stressful , and if you're successful ,

new jobs are stressful. It would be helpful if you could see this as a period of illness , which you need time to recover from.

Same as if you broke a leg or a hip.

[Franklander]

Been 3 days since I last posted. I've been away to turn off my mind from all of this endeavour. 
The symptoms I've been reporting the most are:
The mild sexual impotence, which has improved since I'm stimulated by touch.
My memory and awareness - nothing changed that much.

The most annoying one so far has been the tinnitus: ear pain, hyperacusis and a worsening of misophonia.
Some surges of headaches.

Thanks for your last post Fresh, I've decided to take a real rest to let myself go from worryings, it is too bad that I'll have to focus this year entirely on recovery.

Emotionally I'm pretty much stabilized and I can pretty much sleep well.
I can't wait to start the tapering.

[nz11]

"This one psychiatrist ... she understood that I've been through a withdrawal - even though being somewhat skeptical about it (also correcting me that it is a discontinuation, since there are no cravings) - she confessedly told me that I'm her second patient reporting a continuous withdrawal. "

 

Hi Frank

Heres an interesting study saying it should be called wdl.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8335-fava-2015-withdrawal-symptoms-after-selective-serotonin-reuptake-inhibitor-discontinuation-a-systematic-review/

[Franklander]

00:42

Today was a pretty **** day. Besides the mood swings, I think my memory can't improve that much at this point. My symptoms, most likely, have reached a plateau: they resembled sometimes my CT period. Aside from this now agonizing Tinnitus. 
Ever since the tinnitus appeared i've been swapping between sleeping with mom or in the living room with the tv turned on, it helped at first, but ignoring this ringing in my head has become a challenge on itself.
Depersonalization and non-existant memory are more than annoying symptoms, I basically forgot to pay my bills today.
I don't want to think that I'm vanishing as a person.

[Fresh]

Franklander , I think you're feeling pessimistic today and telling yourself a bunch of nonsense.

 

It's been less than a month since you reinstated. We suggest waiting a good 2 to 3 months after the sort of

hiccup you've had before beginning to taper. This is because we see people continue to improve over that time ,

and you want to be as solid as possible before you start to shake things up again.

 

This definitely isn't as well as you can get ... look at the improvements in the last month. You need to be patient now

and continue to nurture and nourish yourself as best you can. The tinnitus will likely go away as suddenly as

it came.

 

Sounds like you hit gold finding a psychiatrist who has any notion of withdrawal / discontinuation syndrome ,

whatever you call it.

 

Do you have any structure in your day? A regular walk? Any social activities? Time to make some plans to

assist your recovery.

 

[Franklander]

Thanks Fresh. Sometimes it feels like I need a push upwards to not sounds so harsh on myself. Believe me, I'm fighting to change this aspect of my life.

 

I'm not sure if I will continue the process alongside her, even though she acknowledges the existence of withdrawal, her intent is to make me change meds and taper lexapro in a matter of two weeks, something 
that, as far as my knowledge can go, is counter-productive in my case.

I usually do walk across the block, but my social activities have been majorly halted.
Besides that I chat with some Canadian friends (which are probably my closest relationships at this moment), too bad we have plenty of kms of distance between us.

 

[Fresh]

It isn't easy , but this is a good time to start exploring options in your local community.

Is there a nursing home or charity you can volunteer at a few hours a week? Any sort of community

activities where you can meet other locals?

Maybe check out some groups via Meetup Sao Paulo (I use the Sydney version) here https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwip-5KC4vvLAhXnGaYKHQOvCxQQFgghMAE&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meetup.com%2Fcities%2Fbr%2Fs%C3%A3o_paulo%2F&usg=AFQjCNFGxsvpeQtDs9jbAuvuNURc8apJ2A&sig2=cYtkViXRQbAzdmXbSco_Mg&bvm=bv.118817766,d.dGY

 

Don't allow this condition to make a hermit of you.

Just practising mixing with new people will help whatever you decide to do with yourself in the future.

[Franklander]

Yesterday was a good day overall, I think I've felt another window. Better attention and overall - a better mood. I guess it is straight connected to how well I've slept in certain day, but I've had a rebound of
Insomnia due to the maniac stage (my fault most likely, ingested more than recommended sugars).
The only symptoms that are getting in the way are the headaches and the tinnitus. 
Brain fog is constant but it is somewhat easy to be patient with, I started to treat myself more gently.
Memory has hit a plateau, I still think I'm january and I conflate my dreams with a real state of consciousness.

 

[Franklander]

23:17 here, and today was an awesome day. Hung out with a friend and had a fun that I don't remember having it
ever since last year. Everything was really dandy until an extremely loud screeching noise coming from the train's reels
physically hurt my eardrums, my ears are ringing much more now. Hopefully it's nothing severe.

These days came as if I could grasp my old personality, envision it as a mist, but something is still amiss. My memory and 
concentration are still far away, I wonder if I'm craving Ritalin at this point. I feel like I should reinstate to try to taper, but it
might be too late at this point.

I'm starting to grow more alert, not as hyperalert as I usually were, but I'm not sleeping as much as I do. I can't isolate
this variable due to the fact that I'm experiencing extremely hot days (32°C/89,6F) making my sleep much more difficult
or if its root from my daily nutritional intake (I've been very avoidant of sugars, but not anymore, since I'm not experiencing
reactions to most foods). Sleeplessness is probably a no-no symptom, but it might be a little hard to avoid at this moment.


 

[Franklander]

Yesterday wasn't the worst of it but not the best, before sleeping, I was struck by the worst pitch of tinnitus yet, so badly that not only I almost ended up not sleeping that night
but also I've almost lost my grip and became totally anxious, the akathisia struck almost at the same time.
Today it is less frequent, but ever since that screech from the subway, I feel my tinnitus has changed somehow.

I don't want to believe that it has become permanent. 

[Franklander]

23:09

The tinnitus, overall, has become unbearable, and I think my sensitivity to Lexapro is the one responsible for it, everytime I become aware of the ringing my panic attacks ressurges. 
I've heard SSRIs are ototoxic and yet I'm not in power to discontinue at once once again, in fact, at this point I don't even know what's best for me: two roads that are uncertain and I
can't choose. I've lost sense of reality, my skin started aching again and akathisia is back. I can risk having new symptoms if I remove my dosage at once, yet I risk having this
awful ringing for the rest of my life. I don't know if it has anything to do with sensitivity to most sounds (Hyperacusis). In fact, I don't know anything anymore.


Terrible day, overall.


EDIT: I wish at least I've had a way to know what really is going on, but temporary tinnitus also happens due to neurotransmitter changes. Since I'm taking a fairly low dose of SSRI, it might
be the most accurate answer. The answer puts my head into peace. Sorry if it seemed i've lost my mind, but I was.

Sorry, I hope I'm not being a pain to myself and others.

[Ali4]

I'm brain dead everyday, don't know if I'm coming or going most of the time, it will get better, I hope ???? one day at a time. Ali

[Franklander]

After 3 days, i'm going through and out of coping with the tinnitus. It was bad to the point I started depersonalizing again and forgetting about the hour or what day I'm in. It kinda
tempts me to remove the med at once.
Is 1mg enough to cause ototoxicity? Even though I've been at much worse?
It has being hard telling myself not to panic, even though I'm making progress. 
Distracting myself with some distracting games.

What are usually the symptoms of a sensitive reaction to a drug?

(I've appointed a doc to take a look at my ears, too bad it will be on 5th May)

[Franklander]

Hello Alto.
After a long journey, I've reinstated myself into 1mg of liquid Lexapro and now, even though a range of symptoms disappeared, another set made into my body.
Is it possible that my body, even at such low dosage, is sensitive to the medication? Am I doing more harm than good by reinstating?