Does anyone suffer from a sort of intensified "Impostor Syndrome"?

[FightingForHope]

I was wondering if this is typical: an intense sense of being a fake and a liar, an impostor - no matter how much proof you have or are given to the contrary. It's more than a fear of being judged, it's that and more; I have this irrational and persistent fear that I will be "found out" and "unmasked"... as what, I am not sure, because when I am thinking clearly it doesn't make much sense. I've read that it is not an uncommon thing, but I experience it daily, painfully and in a panic. So I sometimes over compensate, in uncalled for ways, like the over sharing of truths the other person doesn't even care about. Does this make sense to anyone?

[Petunia]

It makes sense to me and sounds like you might be describing an aspect of DP/DR. DP or depersonalization can be described as feeling like a stranger to yourself.

 

See: Derealization or Depersonalization - Symptoms and self ...

[JanCarol]

Just to let you know - I think "Imposter Syndrome" would be a spectrum - 

 

at the mild end is just the human condition - nearly all of us feel at some time or another that we're faking it.

 

We're not really that good at what we do, or have low self esteem.

 

There could be more extreme versions of this, where you may have depersonalization feelings like the person inhabiting your body is not you, or that people around you are acting, putting on a show for your benefit, and that they are not really your friends, your family, etc.

 

But even on the extreme end, it does not necessarily warrant "diagnosis."  

 

I reckon it's part of the human experience, and that withdrawal can turn it into a rumination, a depersonalization, a derealization, a neuro-emotion - amplifying the normal emotion and thought to what feels like an unreal level.

[Fresh]

Interesting FFH. I've never heard of it before as a distinct component of protracted withdrawal syndrome.

As your experience is in the context of protracted withdrawal , I'm not sure an independent diagnosis is warranted.

 

 

"I've read that it is not an uncommon thing,"

 

Please could you provide some links to references for us.

 

Thanks , Fresh

[FightingForHope]

Hello all,

 

In reading the link, it does seem like it could be an aspect of DP/DR, that is interesting. On a certain level I do realize it is the human condition; I've just been feeling it intensely and was curious if it was somewhat typical of WD. I actually wasn't thinking of it as a separate "diagnosis" necessarily - I was rather looking for a way to describe how I've been feeling. It does makes sense that it would be a neuro-emotion or an aspect of DR/DP.

 

Fresh, I wish I could remember where I read the article I picked it up from; it was not in relation to AD withdrawal though. It was a while ago, and it occurred to me the other day in exasperation.

 

Thanks for your insights guys!

[Gh0st]

I was wondering if this is typical: an intense sense of being a fake and a liar, an impostor - no matter how much proof you have or are given to the contrary. It's more than a fear of being judged, it's that and more; I have this irrational and persistent fear that I will be "found out" and "unmasked"... as what, I am not sure, because when I am thinking clearly it doesn't make much sense. I've read that it is not an uncommon thing, but I experience it daily, painfully and in a panic. So I sometimes over compensate, in uncalled for ways, like the over sharing of truths the other person doesn't even care about. Does this make sense to anyone?

This may not be a popular opinion...but that sounds like it could be a symptom of paranoid psychosis. It would be a very typical Schizophrenia symptom.

[FightingForHope]

Well given my context of withdrawal, my age, and other symptoms of schizophrenia I don't have, I'm inclined to think that's not it.

[manymoretodays]

I think I know what you mean.  I call it my hypocritical judgement on self or simplified.......my hypocrite.  And yah......the DP/DR stuff talked about here.

  

It's kind of interesting.  A test really.........how well do you know yourself?  I mean until we are put in situations that we thought we would know how we would be and then maybe faltered a bit........redefined what matters............something like that.

 

I could see the psych labels too.......those just aren't helpful in healing though..........for me anyway.........takes awhile to undo that stuff.......the labeling........the focus on disturbance/illness.  I don't know......maybe it helps you GhOst..........that's fine too.

[Gh0st]

Well given my context of withdrawal, my age, and other symptoms of schizophrenia I don't have, I'm inclined to think that's not it.

The disease can come at any time in your life, although it is common younger, you are right. You don't need all symptoms to have it, and many people don't. It's more of a spectrum than it is "you have it" or "you don't".

 

Schizophrenia is implicated with many of the same receptors as SSRIs.

 

My point: don't go get meds for it. Even if it were a symptom, you likely wouldn't have a clinical case. Just watch it, and know that by definition, it's a delusion: Because you know it's not true but it's a persistant paranoia that you are lying or an impostor.That doesn't mean that it wasn't caused by the SSRI, because it very well could be from the stress of withdrawal on your body. 

[mammaP]

I think I know what you mean, I've felt like that before at times during my multi drug multi withdrawal years. Scared of being found out but no idea why. I would have nightmares about being arrested and not knowing what for, has my memory gone? Did I do something bad?  Ignored the door and stopped speaking to people. 

At my worst I would 'confess' to people stupid things that had blown out of proportion. This only started after being prescribed drugs but can't remember now at what point or which drugs. Definitely drug or withdrawal related. Does this sound similar?

[btdt]

 

I was wondering if this is typical: an intense sense of being a fake and a liar, an impostor - no matter how much proof you have or are given to the contrary. It's more than a fear of being judged, it's that and more; I have this irrational and persistent fear that I will be "found out" and "unmasked"... as what, I am not sure, because when I am thinking clearly it doesn't make much sense. I've read that it is not an uncommon thing, but I experience it daily, painfully and in a panic. So I sometimes over compensate, in uncalled for ways, like the over sharing of truths the other person doesn't even care about. Does this make sense to anyone?

This may not be a popular opinion...but that sounds like it could be a symptom of paranoid psychosis. It would be a very typical Schizophrenia symptom.

 

I think that is interesting as there have been times in wd I would have dx myself with this and had the found out feelings the confession syndrome to people who did not give a ****... both.  

 

It is all part of drug use/wd these drugs and the wd from them change our brain chemistry which controls such things and in time it will end.  Till then it will come and go bit of a dance for me with a lot of different varieties.  

 

I think anyone who is truthful and been on meds for years will have a grab bag full of odd symptoms so much so that many of us may get the catch all dx of ptsd... to me this is the last of a long line of dx it went from ssri to treat real pain from real reasons  to chronic fatigue fibromyalgia and more of the same family of drugs to treat that... to now your clinically depressed to... woops and anxiety disorder the list kept growing... ocd and many other things till I landed on the all encompassing ptsd which means I can have all the others at the same time ... all symptoms under one umbrella ella ...ella ella... lol yep that is how it goes or how I see it going. 

 

At the end of the day your body it a bit messed up by drugs and it is trying to sort it out along the way there will be glitches.... maybe many of them and of different sorts.  

 

I see you have long term use under your belt to me that makes this all the more likely this is all drug/wd related and in time it will settle down.  Don't be surprised or dismayed if it comes and goes for a long time and try not to worry too much about this being a new dx I am sure since these drugs came to market there are many new terms and syndromes that have come to life because of them... keep in mind no matter what they call it it is still wd... and even well meaning people can be lead astray if they don't know the truth of these drugs... many of us were fooled for years by them but not being fooled any longer or lead astray by them and the litany of crap (bull) that goes with them is not easy when you have drank the cool aid for so long already it is hard to cut the line and just say no... (once you have tapered I hope you did taper)  

 

I kept a shrink online with me for a couple of years post ct even tho I had no intention of taking any drugs I did this out of fear and the fact that on wd sites I had things others did not have... (in part likely caused by my long term use 18 years and cold turkey stopping) As I have lived more and learned more and watched wd sites I see all my crap in them... most of it at least not all in the same person all the time... but it is there. 

 

Like Mamma says it is all drug related and it is hard to believe in the early days but it has panned out for me.. and others.  If only we knew sooner it may have spared us such long term use. 

Overall my recollection of this timeline is at present scattered - lots of life and doctor changes, moves, and currently impaired memory. I need to get all my records straight."

For now give yourself a break and try not to worry about this one too much as it is not worth the energy tho I know it is hard not to get stuck on it... this is part of the process of healing tho it does not feel like it. 

It will end... when it is time. 

 

I was the same as you in this..."

[Shep]

This is really interesting. I have a lot of problems with dp/dr (it's my worst symptom), and I do worry that my lack of sanity (or self-perceived) lack of sanity may be found out.

 

Also, for really long term users of psych drugs, knowing who you are can be problematic. The "real" me was masked for 30 years, and a lot has happened during that time that changed who I was.

 

This very process is also changing (and challenging) me. 

 

FightingForHope, if you can look at it with an air of "curiosity", it may help with the fear. That's one technique that I find helpful when I'm feeling this way. Like others have said, it's withdrawal related, as frightening as it is. 

[btdt]

"for really long term users of psych drugs, knowing who you are can be problematic. The "real" me was masked for 30 years, and a lot has happened during that time that changed who I was."

 

EXACTLY!!!!

[FightingForHope]

Thank you so much guys. Talking about this really helps. Although I think you are right maymoretodays, the labels don't seem to help, they freak me out even more. I am chalking this up to another symptom.

 

I think I know what you mean, I've felt like that before at times during my multi drug multi withdrawal years. Scared of being found out but no idea why. I would have nightmares about being arrested and not knowing what for, has my memory gone? Did I do something bad?  Ignored the door and stopped speaking to people. 

At my worst I would 'confess' to people stupid things that had blown out of proportion. This only started after being prescribed drugs but can't remember now at what point or which drugs. Definitely drug or withdrawal related. Does this sound similar?

 

 

MammaP, it does sound similar. Not in the sense that I think I may have committed a crime and forgot, but the fear of being found out for a moral infraction maybe, or something in retrospect pretty small. Misplaced guilt. It must be drug related - I don't remember being like this prior to meds, and I may have felt it to a lesser degree while on meds. Possibly I've simply been scared that people will find out my situation and label be crazy. This whole ordeal has been scary from the beginning.

 

 

"for really long term users of psych drugs, knowing who you are can be problematic. The "real" me was masked for 30 years, and a lot has happened during that time that changed who I was."

 

EXACTLY!!!!

 

Yes, this is so true, and the scariest thing of all almost! What direction do I lead my life in if I don't know who I am? What am I doing? It's been a problem for me.

[FightingForHope]

 

I think that is interesting as there have been times in wd I would have dx myself with this and had the found out feelings the confession syndrome to people who did not give a ****... both.  

It is all part of drug use/wd these drugs and the wd from them change our brain chemistry which controls such things and in time it will end.  Till then it will come and go bit of a dance for me with a lot of different varieties.  

 

I think anyone who is truthful and been on meds for years will have a grab bag full of odd symptoms

 

At the end of the day your body it a bit messed up by drugs and it is trying to sort it out along the way there will be glitches.... maybe many of them and of different sorts.  

 

I see you have long term use under your belt to me that makes this all the more likely this is all drug/wd related and in time it will settle down.  Don't be surprised or dismayed if it comes and goes for a long time and try not to worry too much about this being a new dx I am sure since these drugs came to market there are many new terms and syndromes that have come to life because of them... keep in mind no matter what they call it it is still wd... and even well meaning people can be lead astray if they don't know the truth of these drugs... many of us were fooled for years by them but not being fooled any longer or lead astray by them and the litany of crap (bull) that goes with them is not easy when you have drank the cool aid for so long already it is hard to cut the line and just say no... (once you have tapered I hope you did taper)  

 

I kept a shrink online with me for a couple of years post ct even tho I had no intention of taking any drugs I did this out of fear and the fact that on wd sites I had things others did not have... (in part likely caused by my long term use 18 years and cold turkey stopping) As I have lived more and learned more and watched wd sites I see all my crap in them... most of it at least not all in the same person all the time... but it is there. 

 

Like Mamma says it is all drug related and it is hard to believe in the early days but it has panned out for me.. and others.  If only we knew sooner it may have spared us such long term use. 

Overall my recollection of this timeline is at present scattered - lots of life and doctor changes, moves, and currently impaired memory. I need to get all my records straight."

For now give yourself a break and try not to worry about this one too much as it is not worth the energy tho I know it is hard not to get stuck on it... this is part of the process of healing tho it does not feel like it. 

It will end... when it is time. 

 

I was the same as you in this..."

 

Thanks btdt, I am not going to look for any more reasons other than the wd. In reading others' experiences like yourself, it does seem that's what it is. I am dealing with so many other awful feelings right now, I don't need any more dxs or meds.  I just can't wait for it to end. I am so impatient.

[FightingForHope]

This is really interesting. I have a lot of problems with dp/dr (it's my worst symptom), and I do worry that my lack of sanity (or self-perceived) lack of sanity may be found out.

 

Also, for really long term users of psych drugs, knowing who you are can be problematic. The "real" me was masked for 30 years, and a lot has happened during that time that changed who I was.

 

This very process is also changing (and challenging) me. 

 

FightingForHope, if you can look at it with an air of "curiosity", it may help with the fear. That's one technique that I find helpful when I'm feeling this way. Like others have said, it's withdrawal related, as frightening as it is. 

 

Shep I too worry my lack of mental fortitude/sanity will be found out, sometimes I end up over compensating by trying to be perfect at whatever I'm doing, even if it's just a casual interaction. It's exhausting and stupid, and doesn't make the fear go away why would it.

 

I have tried to 'distance' myself from it all, as an observer, with curiosity. It does help me keep it in check, but not for long, and if I get distracted by trying to move on with my life, it starts all over. It's been a quick cycling of windows and waves recently. But thanks for the tip, I will keep in mind, things are bound to get better.

[Shep]

Shep I too worry my lack of mental fortitude/sanity will be found out, sometimes I end up over compensating by trying to be perfect at whatever I'm doing, even if it's just a casual interaction. It's exhausting and stupid, and doesn't make the fear go away why would it.

 

I have tried to 'distance' myself from it all, as an observer, with curiosity. It does help me keep it in check, but not for long, and if I get distracted by trying to move on with my life, it starts all over. It's been a quick cycling of windows and waves recently. But thanks for the tip, I will keep in mind, things are bound to get better.

 

 

Some people who've been through this and made it to the other side say that psych drug withdrawal can be a "gateway" into mindfulness. I'm finding that to be true.

 

The fact that you're already using the "observer" technique is good. And yes, it does start over and over again, especially with the waves that invariably start crashing in unpredictably. That's why many people who survive this come out into the other side as sages - every time you get distracted away from the "observer", it's an opportunity to practice mindfulness and return to the "observer". Again and again. It's the practice of mindfulness.

 

One of the many "gifts" we can get from this very difficult journey is to lose the "imposter" and come away with whatever baseline we choose to create for ourselves. No rules. No boundaries. We get to create this. After all of this chaos ends, just a quiet peace of mind. That's the take away I'm getting from this journey so far.

 

The "imposter" is a temporary state until healing happens. Yes, you said it - "things are bound to get better".

[Area1255]

There's an inverse to OP's condition that hits a small portion of Veterans. Capgras syndrome, which is where the person is fractured mentally, and believes their families have been replaced with imposters, and this disorder comes from in part, atrophying of amygdala nuclei, and cortical abnormalties which may be manifested by lesions to certain parts of the brain.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC37410/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18071040

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capgras_delusion

[FightingForHope]

 

Some people who've been through this and made it to the other side say that psych drug withdrawal can be a "gateway" into mindfulness. I'm finding that to be true.

 

The fact that you're already using the "observer" technique is good. And yes, it does start over and over again, especially with the waves that invariably start crashing in unpredictably. That's why many people who survive this come out into the other side as sages - every time you get distracted away from the "observer", it's an opportunity to practice mindfulness and return to the "observer". Again and again. It's the practice of mindfulness.

 

One of the many "gifts" we can get from this very difficult journey is to lose the "imposter" and come away with whatever baseline we choose to create for ourselves. No rules. No boundaries. We get to create this. After all of this chaos ends, just a quiet peace of mind. That's the take away I'm getting from this journey so far.

 

The "imposter" is a temporary state until healing happens. Yes, you said it - "things are bound to get better".

 

 

Thanks Shep; this is insightful and something to look forward to - that blessed peace of mind. It's a shame so often it seems impossible to distance myself from the misery, but I try to. Being mindful of my state and this process is the only thing that has gotten me through these months, being able to keep my job, and not let my life (what little I have left of one) fall apart. Having said that, I use the term "mindful" as I understand it, but I am not very familiar with the practice of mindfulness per se. I will look into it more.

 

A good sign I think; the impostor feeling hasn't been as strong this past week. Not long, but it's encouraging, that the 'chaos' should end.

[Shep]

 

 

Some people who've been through this and made it to the other side say that psych drug withdrawal can be a "gateway" into mindfulness. I'm finding that to be true.

 

The fact that you're already using the "observer" technique is good. And yes, it does start over and over again, especially with the waves that invariably start crashing in unpredictably. That's why many people who survive this come out into the other side as sages - every time you get distracted away from the "observer", it's an opportunity to practice mindfulness and return to the "observer". Again and again. It's the practice of mindfulness.

 

One of the many "gifts" we can get from this very difficult journey is to lose the "imposter" and come away with whatever baseline we choose to create for ourselves. No rules. No boundaries. We get to create this. After all of this chaos ends, just a quiet peace of mind. That's the take away I'm getting from this journey so far.

 

The "imposter" is a temporary state until healing happens. Yes, you said it - "things are bound to get better".

 

 

Thanks Shep; this is insightful and something to look forward to - that blessed peace of mind. It's a shame so often it seems impossible to distance myself from the misery, but I try to. Being mindful of my state and this process is the only thing that has gotten me through these months, being able to keep my job, and not let my life (what little I have left of one) fall apart. Having said that, I use the term "mindful" as I understand it, but I am not very familiar with the practice of mindfulness per se. I will look into it more.

 

A good sign I think; the impostor feeling hasn't been as strong this past week. Not long, but it's encouraging, that the 'chaos' should end.

 

 

Being able to work during this is really amazing, FFH. Give yourself tons of credit for that. 

 

There's a really cool eight-week, online mindfulness workshop for free that you might enjoy  - http://palousemindfulness.com/

 

I'm still not able to sit still long enough to do anything structured. I need to pace a lot still. But I found that having mindfulness videos playing on YouTube is working wonders. I put a few of my favorites in this post - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6122-guided-meditations-calming-videos-sleep-hypnosis/?p=215837

 

That thread is technically about mindfulness for sleep, but I use them during the day, too. The ones by Mooji are my favorite. I saw in your Intro thread that you mention ASMR. I use some ASMR videos for sleep and find them helpful.

 

I hope I haven't taken your thread too far off topic and that these resources are helpful. I'm glad the imposter feeling hasn't been as strong this week. That is indeed a good sign. Rest assured, the chaos will end and you will feel much more "authentic" and less of an imposter. 

[FightingForHope]

 

 

 

Some people who've been through this and made it to the other side say that psych drug withdrawal can be a "gateway" into mindfulness. I'm finding that to be true.

 

The fact that you're already using the "observer" technique is good. And yes, it does start over and over again, especially with the waves that invariably start crashing in unpredictably. That's why many people who survive this come out into the other side as sages - every time you get distracted away from the "observer", it's an opportunity to practice mindfulness and return to the "observer". Again and again. It's the practice of mindfulness.

 

One of the many "gifts" we can get from this very difficult journey is to lose the "imposter" and come away with whatever baseline we choose to create for ourselves. No rules. No boundaries. We get to create this. After all of this chaos ends, just a quiet peace of mind. That's the take away I'm getting from this journey so far.

 

The "imposter" is a temporary state until healing happens. Yes, you said it - "things are bound to get better".

 

 

Thanks Shep; this is insightful and something to look forward to - that blessed peace of mind. It's a shame so often it seems impossible to distance myself from the misery, but I try to. Being mindful of my state and this process is the only thing that has gotten me through these months, being able to keep my job, and not let my life (what little I have left of one) fall apart. Having said that, I use the term "mindful" as I understand it, but I am not very familiar with the practice of mindfulness per se. I will look into it more.

 

A good sign I think; the impostor feeling hasn't been as strong this past week. Not long, but it's encouraging, that the 'chaos' should end.

 

 

Being able to work during this is really amazing, FFH. Give yourself tons of credit for that. 

 

There's a really cool eight-week, online mindfulness workshop for free that you might enjoy  - http://palousemindfulness.com/

 

I'm still not able to sit still long enough to do anything structured. I need to pace a lot still. But I found that having mindfulness videos playing on YouTube is working wonders. I put a few of my favorites in this post - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6122-guided-meditations-calming-videos-sleep-hypnosis/?p=215837

 

That thread is technically about mindfulness for sleep, but I use them during the day, too. The ones by Mooji are my favorite. I saw in your Intro thread that you mention ASMR. I use some ASMR videos for sleep and find them helpful.

 

I hope I haven't taken your thread too far off topic and that these resources are helpful. I'm glad the imposter feeling hasn't been as strong this week. That is indeed a good sign. Rest assured, the chaos will end and you will feel much more "authentic" and less of an imposter. 

 

 

Thanks Shep!    I have had a very understanding and kind boyfriend by my side who has been helping me through it immensely; I wonder whether I could have kept working and going had I been alone through this. I had a terrible Lexapro cold turkey withdrawal in 2002, during which I was clueless about ADs and WD, thought I was going crazy, living at home and could not work (had terrible episodes of dp/dr, I think, at work and feared I was losing my mind - I quit and basically hid in my room at my parents', curled up in a ball). Eventually I ended back up on meds. I think surviving those terrible days has somehow tempered me for what is happening now - I am also careful and more aware/informed this time around. And I tapered.

 

You haven't taken the topic too far off course, this is helpful to me, and it is all interrelated. I struggle with restlessness too, so sometimes it's hard to absorb/learn new things, but I will check the links out.

 

I see that you have come such a long way in your process - that is inspiring!

[JanCarol]

There's an inverse to OP's condition that hits a small portion of Veterans. Capgras syndrome, which is where the person is fractured mentally, and believes their families have been replaced with imposters, and this disorder comes from in part, atrophying of amygdala nuclei, and cortical abnormalties which may be manifested by lesions to certain parts of the brain.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC37410/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18071040

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capgras_delusion

 

How much these symptoms are drug induced, we may never know.  Our veterans are one of the largest group of psych drug guinea pig populations out there.

 

As for atrophies and lesions, again, we never know how much of this is drug induced. Finding a "virgin brain" is getting more and more difficult in these studies.

 

Please keep on topic, and take care - 

from:  What Will Get You Warned Or Banned

 

- Insisting on nonsense about the causes of so-called psychiatric disorders and withdrawal syndrome. You'll need to do a lot of reading and credible citations to come up with original plausible theories.

 

Red flags for nonsense often found in pop psychiatry:

• Reliance on the "chemical imbalance" theory or that mental disorders are due to some kind of neurotransmitter deficiency.
• Claims that mood disorders are "brain disease,""diseased nerve pathways,""damaged signaling" etc.
• Reliance on neuroimaging or brain scans.
• Assigning specific functions to specific neurotransmitters ("dopamine is responsible for pleasure"). All neurotransmitters are multifunction; normal functioning depends on their all operating together.
• Making sweeping generalizations about "depression." One huge problem in psychiatry research is that there is no one definition of "depression" and studies use different measures for it.
• Publication in biological psychiatry journals.
• More to come, I'm sure.

The "chemical imbalance" or "serotonin deficiency" theories for mood disorders, which were in vogue for about 20 years, have been disavowed by medicine. There never was any basis for this. If a doctor tells you that is the reason for your distress, the doctor is wrong, misinformed, or not being straightforward with you.

 

This is also true of alternative or "natural" practitioners. The "chemical imbalance" theory is invalid wherever it pops up.

 

The "chemical imbalance" theory or its variants does not bear discussing any more than does a theory that says the sun revolves around the earth. It is a waste of time. This site will not add to the dissemination of this misinformation. Expect credulous discussion of such to be discouraged on this site.

 

See Again, chemical imbalance is a myth. Stop the lies, please. and Ronald Pies says doctors tell patients the "chemical imbalance" lie as a favor

 

[FightingForHope]

 

 

 

Some people who've been through this and made it to the other side say that psych drug withdrawal can be a "gateway" into mindfulness. I'm finding that to be true.

 

The fact that you're already using the "observer" technique is good. And yes, it does start over and over again, especially with the waves that invariably start crashing in unpredictably. That's why many people who survive this come out into the other side as sages - every time you get distracted away from the "observer", it's an opportunity to practice mindfulness and return to the "observer". Again and again. It's the practice of mindfulness.

 

One of the many "gifts" we can get from this very difficult journey is to lose the "imposter" and come away with whatever baseline we choose to create for ourselves. No rules. No boundaries. We get to create this. After all of this chaos ends, just a quiet peace of mind. That's the take away I'm getting from this journey so far.

 

The "imposter" is a temporary state until healing happens. Yes, you said it - "things are bound to get better".

 

 

Thanks Shep; this is insightful and something to look forward to - that blessed peace of mind. It's a shame so often it seems impossible to distance myself from the misery, but I try to. Being mindful of my state and this process is the only thing that has gotten me through these months, being able to keep my job, and not let my life (what little I have left of one) fall apart. Having said that, I use the term "mindful" as I understand it, but I am not very familiar with the practice of mindfulness per se. I will look into it more.

 

A good sign I think; the impostor feeling hasn't been as strong this past week. Not long, but it's encouraging, that the 'chaos' should end.

 

 

Being able to work during this is really amazing, FFH. Give yourself tons of credit for that. 

 

There's a really cool eight-week, online mindfulness workshop for free that you might enjoy  - http://palousemindfulness.com/

 

I'm still not able to sit still long enough to do anything structured. I need to pace a lot still. But I found that having mindfulness videos playing on YouTube is working wonders. I put a few of my favorites in this post - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6122-guided-meditations-calming-videos-sleep-hypnosis/?p=215837

 

That thread is technically about mindfulness for sleep, but I use them during the day, too. The ones by Mooji are my favorite. I saw in your Intro thread that you mention ASMR. I use some ASMR videos for sleep and find them helpful.

 

I hope I haven't taken your thread too far off topic and that these resources are helpful. I'm glad the imposter feeling hasn't been as strong this week. That is indeed a good sign. Rest assured, the chaos will end and you will feel much more "authentic" and less of an imposter. 

 

 

Hi Shep,

 

I just wanted to say I am finding the mindfulness videos very helpful - I was able to relax and actually feel good in my skin for a bit last night, especially after this guided meditation video:

 

But other mindfulness videos and the http://palousemindfulness.com/ you indicated are proving helpful too...

 

So, thanks for the tip!

[Shep]

You're very welcome, FFH. And thanks for posting that 20 Minute Guided Mindfulness Exercise. That sounds like a great one to use when you're trying to calm your mind and prepare for sleep. 

 

Please feel free to add it to this current mindfulness thread, as it will be a welcome addition: Guided Meditations, Calming Videos, Sleep Hypnosis

 

I have that thread bookmarked as a go-to anytime I'm feeling restless before bed.  Eckhart Tolle is another great source of wisdom. SquirrellyGirl started this thread with some great mindfulness videos:

 

Eckhart Tolle: The Pain Body and Mental suffering during withdrawal

 

LIstening to Mooji, Eckhart Tolle, Tara Brach, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and many others have had a profound effect on my recovery, especially on filling the "void" left by this "impostor syndrome".

 

Being broken down by withdrawal can be the very foundation you "need". May not be the foundation any of us "want", but that doesn't mean we are permanently broken. 

 

You sound like you're in a better place now, FightingForHope. You've brought us from a very dark impostor vibe to a much more hopeful - and mindful - vibe.  

 

[btdt]

When my mother was going through cancer treatment she thought I was an imposter at one point.  He had been given a plasma transfusion after she was screaming standing on the bed in a very bad state.  When the nurse came he asked me for permission to give her something to help and I gave it.. they gave her haladol I had no clue what that was... after she had it she still did not believe I was her daughter... she said.."ya you want me to think you are but your not...none of you are who you pretend to be"  

 

I have not had the experience myself but I have seen it from the other side... she tried to hit me and I went to duck and hit my head on a sink about knocked myself out. Just one of the bad days. 

 

I had something kind of like that for a time where my dreams were so real at one point I wondered which life was real... I know that was bad too. To each their own sort of drug induced .... strangeness. I can no longer recall which drugs I was on when that occurred. 

 

My mother was never herself after that. So wishing you all healing return to ourselves and peace.

[FightingForHope]

You're very welcome, FFH. And thanks for posting that 20 Minute Guided Mindfulness Exercise. That sounds like a great one to use when you're trying to calm your mind and prepare for sleep. 

 

Please feel free to add it to this current mindfulness thread, as it will be a welcome addition: Guided Meditations, Calming Videos, Sleep Hypnosis

 

I have that thread bookmarked as a go-to anytime I'm feeling restless before bed.  Eckhart Tolle is another great source of wisdom. SquirrellyGirl started this thread with some great mindfulness videos:

 

Eckhart Tolle: The Pain Body and Mental suffering during withdrawal

 

LIstening to Mooji, Eckhart Tolle, Tara Brach, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and many others have had a profound effect on my recovery, especially on filling the "void" left by this "impostor syndrome".

 

Being broken down by withdrawal can be the very foundation you "need". May not be the foundation any of us "want", but that doesn't mean we are permanently broken. 

 

You sound like you're in a better place now, FightingForHope. You've brought us from a very dark impostor vibe to a much more hopeful - and mindful - vibe.  

 

Shep, you are correct; still struggling - and I still don't quite manage to do my mindfulness exercises regularly - but I had almost a full 8 hr sleep for two nights in a row this weekend  

[Shep]

That's wonderful, FFH. 8 hours of sleep two nights in a row is like paradise around here! 

 

And don't worry about doing mindfulness exercises regularly. It takes too much energy for many of us to keep to schedules. As long as you remain open to the experience, the opportunity to practice again and again will always present itself.  Withdrawal makes sure of that. 

 

In the end, we come out of this with a bit of the Buddha in us. 

[FightingForHope]

When my mother was going through cancer treatment she thought I was an imposter at one point.  He had been given a plasma transfusion after she was screaming standing on the bed in a very bad state.  When the nurse came he asked me for permission to give her something to help and I gave it.. they gave her haladol I had no clue what that was... after she had it she still did not believe I was her daughter... she said.."ya you want me to think you are but your not...none of you are who you pretend to be"  

 

I have not had the experience myself but I have seen it from the other side... she tried to hit me and I went to duck and hit my head on a sink about knocked myself out. Just one of the bad days. 

 

I had something kind of like that for a time where my dreams were so real at one point I wondered which life was real... I know that was bad too. To each their own sort of drug induced .... strangeness. I can no longer recall which drugs I was on when that occurred. 

 

My mother was never herself after that. So wishing you all healing return to ourselves and peace.

 

So sorry to hear that btdt; I haven't had those experiences, but I think you are right; to each his own AD strangeness, I guess.

Thank you for sharing your experiences ... It's great how people reach out and help each other here. It makes me feel less alone and broken.

Best wishes with your recovery as well

[FightingForHope]

That's wonderful, FFH. 8 hours of sleep two nights in a row is like paradise around here! 

 

And don't worry about doing mindfulness exercises regularly. It takes too much energy for many of us to keep to schedules. As long as you remain open to the experience, the opportunity to practice again and again will always present itself.  Withdrawal makes sure of that. 

 

In the end, we come out of this with a bit of the Buddha in us. 

 

My gosh it does feel like paradise!   Maybe exhaustion finally simply took over at long last, hahah!

 

"In the end, we come out of this with a bit of the Buddha in us."

 

I so hope that is true!

[btdt]

Keep in mind Budda is in us not outside... 

 

One of my life lessons if you find Budda on the road kill him 

 

"Buddha, according to this thinking, is the pointer to enlightenment: it is not a person journeying on a road, but an expression of and pointer to our own path through life.  We are each journeying on our own road.  Finding a Buddha on that road is in effect looking outside of ourselves and making the mistake of trying to follow another person on their road.  In so doing, we forget that their road can never be ours; attempting to follow them to enlightenment is folly.  So when we find ourselves looking outside of ourselves to another and trying to walk their road, to mimic their search for enlightenment, we have to "kill" that Buddha, forget and forsake that outward seeking, and return to our own road."

 

We sure do a lot of wrestling with ourselves so yes I think we all find more of ourselves in wd... it can't be helped

peace

[FightingForHope]

Thanks    and good point btdt. I think the goal is definitely to walk one's own path, to find peace and direction from within, as a primary individual. Sifting through all this emotional noise is part of that challenge now!

[MissSerene]

Fighting: "Emotional noise" is a great way to put it...Hope you are doing okay today. Just read through this thread and was identifying with it. I am near end of multi-year taper from 20 mg/daily of Prozac and feeling intense anger, irritation, etc....Like I hate everything and everyone and am re-visiting and reliving past painful experiences, misdeeds, etc. How awful. And am having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything...even a book, and I love to read. I actually prefer the sobbing spells I was having months ago!

 

Am just not able to sort out what is neuro-emotion and what is me/issues I need to work on. And agree that maybe it's an aspect of DP...it feels like, "This isn't really me. Someone else is in my body or mind. WHO IS THIS?"

 

Also wonder if I am imagining it, as dose I am tapering from was very moderate, and my drug had long half-life. Finally, I was dx'd with breast cancer last early fall, have gotten through lumpectomy and radiation and genetic tests, etc., and am still afraid and lonely with that (even with great hubby's support).

 

Will keep track of this thread, and wishing you a smoother path.

[FightingForHope]

Hi Miss Serene,

 

Congratulations on nearing the end of your taper, that's great.

 

I know what you mean; the intense anger and irritation, and the other symptoms you describe ... some time this week that came creeping back to me again after a pretty good window I mentioned earlier.

 

It makes me question who I am too, with these spells of anger and hating, and then I think everyone around me hates me too. It's awful and impossible to shake off sometimes. Wednesday was especially intense, and I slept for barely 2 hours, the rest of the night reliving and obsessing, feeling angry, and none of my go to videos etc helped. Ugh. All I could was wait it out.

 

I think it all must be WD for you too, it sounds like it to me. Even if there is a grain of 'me', the heightened neuro-emotions distort and magnify everything ... sounds like you are going through a lot with your breast diagnosis too. I really hope that is resolving for the best for you. I imagine it must be scary and lonely even with a great hubby like you have; I have a supportive and patient partner but even he can only do so much, I feel lonely and scared too a lot of the time. And yes; sometimes the crying would almost be better - at least I feel like a nicer person and not so pissed off.

 

Today I am better though, and Friday night I had an unprecedented long sleep; almost 12 hours!!! Wow. Which I imagine is a good sign that sleep is returning, little by little. Mainly on weekends after a less stressful day. These days I am at least able to get better if I can stay away from stressors which I cannot avoid during the work week. That used to not be the case, I was just miserable 24 hours a day. I still get overwhelmed, but at least some things are improving.

 

There is some great info on this thread about neuro-emotions if you haven't found it already:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/9809-neuro-emotions/

 

I'm not an expert, but my guess is you are not making any of this up or 'imagining it', as you say. Try give yourself a break, accept that you are recovering and going through a lot, and try to be gentle with yourself when you can.

 

Wishing you all the best!!!