blackhill4: Finally back :) withdrawal continues after 3 years 1 month

[lundeliz]

I just don't know blackhill. I feel I am getting worse right now too.

 

I don't understand it, but I think this process is just very unpredictable.

 

I'm in the most severe wave I have ever had and I'm very frightened.

 

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time also. I think we have to just

 

dig deep and find a way to get through this. It will eventually let up,

 

I'm sure of it. Hang in there, blackhill.

[btdt]

It gets better then worse again symptom are changeable when you think you have one bit beat something new you don't understand will pop up... when you beat that another round will come just like the last... seems to me there are a ton of symptoms.  Rounds and rounds of them all a mixed bag... if you can find the video of the Rubics cube it says it best... adjustments all along each small square... lets hope my body systems fixing my cube are smarter than I am cause I could never figure out how to fix that cube. 

 

it is complicated... that is for sure.

[westcoast]

Jumping out of your skin fits with akathisia. Akathisia can be present in the a sense of physical restless, as I understand it. It does get better, if that's what it is.

[blackhill4]

Well when I am sitting doing something I feel I need to escape from my body or run away, sometimes I think about running across a street I am walking near for no reason. Does this sound like akathisia?

[Fresh]

I believe it does blackhill.   In  "New Drugs , New Problems"   Dr.   Lucire writes:

 

"Akathisia may present as diffuse psychomotor restlessness , which affects the patient's entire body , an increased tenseness , insomnia ,and a feeling of being

very uncomfortable ,frequently verbalized as "I don't feel like myself , weird , strange , not me" . "

 

"Akathisia has a strong association with violence , self harm , suicide and homicide.   It is an inner restlessness or jitteriness , accompanied by a subjective as

 well as objective compulsion to move , abscond , pace or run or drive long distances in a somewhat dissociated state.  Akathisia can lead to suicide because it is intolerable."

 

So it's presence is identified by a range of symptoms.   It does go away blackhill , along with the other withdrawal symptoms , when the withdrawal is finished.

 

Fresh

[Petunia]

Yes that does sound like akathisia blackhill.  I'm sorry you are having to endure this awful symptom, I had it quite bad on and off for a while and its one of the most difficult things to endure.  It does go away though, along with the other symptoms.  Many people find that pacing can help a little bit, but that never worked for me, although I tried it a few times.  Trying to distract myself with computer games would sometimes take my mind off it just enough to get me through.  But there were times when it got so bad I would just grab my keys and run out the front door, not knowing where I was going, but trying to escape from myself.  It happened one morning last week actually.

 

 It is an inner restlessness or jitteriness , accompanied by a subjective as well as objective compulsion to move , abscond , pace or run or drive long distances in a somewhat dissociated state.

 

... that's exactly what it feels like.

 

This topic contains a couple of links which might be helpful:

 

Any strategies for relieving akathisia?

[blackhill4]

Well that confirms akathisia for sure now, right now I am feeling too energetic and can't sleep. I've decided if it gets too bad I am going to try to get help. What do you guys think?

[blackhill4]

Alright I have to come clean on a couple of things. I get homicidal/suicidal/self mutilating thoughts every second of the day now. I hate to admit these things but I am getting increasingly unstable and desperate. I don't understand why this is happening to me... I was doing much better 2 months ago and now every second is unbarable, it isn't fair. I know I should go to the hospital but what if they give me something that makes me worse (can't afford it). This is me in my most desperate hour, on the edge.

[blackhill4]

Is what I am going through even normal? It doesn't feel like the citalopram withdrawal at all, this is much different.

[blackhill4]

I think my real wd just hit but I am not sure... I had some bad symptoms right after stopping the meds that went away. Just makes no sense.

[blackhill4]

I am starting to realise that all these terrible symptoms are caused from extreme akathesia. It is so hard to do this

[NervousKitten]

Do you have someone you can talk to about the suicidal thoughts?

[westcoast]

I think you might be wise to go to a hospital. Can someone go with you and explain that this is withdrawal? That is, without getting you sent to a drug abuse program...

 

There is some chance that temporary use of something for agitation, such as a benzo, will help you get through this, although that is not necessarily a popular opinion to hold on this site.

 

If you are afraid that you will lose control of your actions, you should go to hosp, in my opinion. We will still be here when you get back.

 

I do heartily endorse taking an advocate with you. It is very hard for hospital people to believe we have been harmed by a drug, so we come off as crazy and delusional, blaming an "innocent" antidepressant that we no longer take for our current madness.

[Fresh]

Hi blackhill ,     I know you wrote that when you went to the ER a while ago they sent you home.    Do you have community mental health services where you are?

[blackhill4]

I noticed my symptoms change every day. Does this mean my brain is trying to recover?

[westcoast]

I don't know if brains can try things on their own. It does mean that you are not fixed in one state for the rest of your life. If you have the rare good moment, cherish it and remember it when things are bad. It is proof that the capacity to feel normal and even happy is still there.

[blackhill4]

Ok I talked to a mental health distress worker and he suggested I go to the hospital. So I am going to go, bye guys . I hope they can help me, wish me luck! I'll post when I get back.

[westcoast]

Thanks for letting us know! I hope you have a good rest on nice clean sheets

[lundeliz]

Wishing the very best for you blackhill. Just want you to feel better.

[Purplestars22]

I hope you get the relief you are looking for wishing you tranquility and wellness.

[blackhill4]

I  was given Ativan at the hospital and I didn't think it would help but I felt much better and my akathisia effects were gone for the time being, I had a great night watching tv and relaxing. However the Ativan made me dizzy, and when I went to sleep I slept 8 hrs and felt very, very drowsy afterward. I am still very drowsy and am still feeling sinister and weird, still feel impulsive but my emotional turmoil is down currently. Can Ativan make my akathisia worse or set me back at all? I didn't seem to have a bad reaction to the meds.

[blackhill4]

One of the psychiatrists at the er tried to give me another antidepressant (I obviously refused) He told me I cannot have akathisia because I am not on any meds.

[westcoast]

Okay, we have to help you educate that psychiatrist. The term is "tardive" (late-onset) akathisia, and it is a real thing and is well known to be associated with withdrawal from psych drugs.

 

Becoming addicted to Ativan can happen very very fast. In my case it was a matter of days or weeks, not months. I ran out one evening and nearly called an ambulance, until I found a tiny bit and took it and got better right away.

 

The best advice is to use it sparingly--not even daily, if you can manage. Getting off it is a definite nightmare for some people. By that I mean a lot of people. Wildflower here on SA is currently suffering mightily, and i am sure there are others.

 

Benzos can lead to depersonalization and derealization in some patients.

 

It is hard to call Ativan a safe drug, in other words. But if you had a pleasant evening compared to what staying home would have been like, seems worth it.

 

Did they ask for any follow-up? Did they send you home with Ativan?
 

[blackhill4]

Thank you for the benzo warning westcoast. He even said to be careful because it is addicting. So I will try to limit myself with it, what do you think a good time period for taking it would be? And yes he gave me prescription for Ativan for 3 weeks. That was after he tried to convince me I had the wrong idea about antidepressants.

[westcoast]

Well, I see a doctor who knows all about this, Dr Shipko. He allows me 1/2mg of Xanax twice a week, max. I am not dependent in any way shape or form. I like the relief I get, and don't have withdrawal or cravings (yet?).

I do not know the dosing of your Ativan. Perhaps you won't have issues if you use it just twice a week.

 

In my opinion, daily use for three weeks could land you flat on your back, sweating, pale, and nauseated, and wishing you were never born! Happened to me, but I was in a restaurant and couldn't lie down.

 

But mainly, I think you should ask your psychiatrist about how often it can be used without causing withdrawal symptoms. Of course, he might have no clue.

 

Plus, surf around SA and see what others have to say about safe use of Ativan.

[Petunia]

Current medical knowledge is that you can become dependent on a benzo in as little as 2 weeks if taken regularly.  I've seen Rhi (our unofficial benzo expert) suggest not taking it more than 1 - 2 times a week.

[blackhill4]

Ok 1-2 times a week at the most, sounds good to me. I had gone 2 months of akathisia before using it and it was every second unbearable in it's severity. So I can do week to week. Ever since I took the Ativan  my akathisia is MUCH less severe, I think I needed a sedative, I wouldn't have lasted a few more days. As expected the doctors and psychiatrists did not believe it was wd. They say it's just anxiety, but they don't know any better and my hospital experience was very pleasant so no complaints from me. I know my akathisia won't stay down for long and when it gets bad again at least I can deal with it, because my walks were starting to have no effect and I felt so agitated for so long I though I would lose it. So I am getting a 2 week supply, if I use it only when I really have to I can make it last a long time. The psychiatrist also gave me a prescription for another benzo he called "longer lasting and less addicting". Any idea what it could be? 

[blackhill4]

I forgot to mention: while I was on paxil (adverse reaction) I was given Ativan and took it once a day. So I think twice a week will be perfect for me ( to be safe). Because I do not want to end up with benzo problems too, I cant afford more problems at this point.

[Prestorb]

I have an Rx for clonozepam, which is the generic for Klonopin, also a benzo and it is for 0.5 mg. I even cut that in half and take it as sparingly as possible, which is never lately but used to be not more than once a week. I've never felt that I became dependent on it, but it definitely helped immediately with calming me or helping me sleep. Chelated magnesium has also helped me with sleep, and can be bought at the vitamin store. Glad you are feeling some relief BH. Hang in there...☺️

[Pugknows]

Blackhill, ativan is a nasty drug and everybody is different when it comes to how much and how often you need to take it to cause future problems. Please be cautious. See Wildflower's thread and the nightmare she's enduring on .24mg spread over 6 doses throughout the day just to maintain her sanity.

[westcoast]

Yes. Pug put it more bluntly than I did. That drug scares me. I have heard about a super-strong benzo. A man in Denmark named Martin mentioned one, but I didn't catch the name. It was in my thread. My sister reported an indescribably awful nightmare after CTing Ativan.

 

If you will be seeing that incredulous psychiatrist again, maybe you can show him something on the internet about WD from a credible source.

[Pugknows]

Blackhill, please keep in mind that, whether it's an AD, a benzo, any psyche drug, alcohol, aspirin or supplements, they all effect your CNS in some way. If you've scrambled and sensitized yours, and the symptoms you're experiencing says you have, you are just throwing gasoline on the fire. Having said all this, I know this is the hardest thing I've ever endured in my 61 year old life and how badly I need some relief from the suffering. I wish you all the best.

[Altostrata]

Hello, blackhill. There's a discussion about occasional benzo use here

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8378-how-often-can-you-take-benzos-without-becoming-addicted/

[blackhill4]

So what do I do if the agitation goes for weeks on end again? I almost lost it completely. Rock and a hard place crushing me slowly...

[westcoast]

Yes, well said blackhill. Take it a day at a time. Things change during withdrawal and the agitarion might fade away.

 

Do you think you could find a doctor who is willing to work with you on this without trying to get you onto an antidepressant or an antipsychotic?

 

Anyway, how do you feel now, and how was your day? Did you have to use much of the Ativan?

 

Finally, it just occured to me that you could possibly break the tablets and take smaller doses than prescribed. If a tiny bit makes your day tolerable, why take a whole pill? But that would have to be discussed with a real doctor, not me.

[blackhill4]

The Ativan halted my agitation somewhat and I had decided on 1 mg Ativan every 4 days over 80 days. I figured I could avoid dependence if done like that, but maybe not? While on paxil I took it once a day for almost a month and no addiction. I am very concerned about being destabilised by it though, when I destabilised from coffee it was gradual and didn't happen until I had drank too much over time. My day was bad but not unbearable, felt a little freaky (jumpy and weird) early on, afternoon agitation came on strong but receded a couple of hours later, later on mixed emotions of depression and the whole "I'm done, I give up" feeling" Right now I am ok but after midnight is usually when I feel better (barring severe agitation).