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nicolantana

Dealing with the lost years and moving forward

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nicolantana

Hey guys,

 

There may be another thread along this line so feel free to join if necessary.

The title of the post speaks for itself.

 

I'm only 9 months into hell. Five months on meds, four off. I have severe anhedonia. pretty lifeless but in control of the situation.

I'm 29 years old. It pains me that my life is on hold for the forseeable future.

 

I know alot of the answers are straighforward here, we grieve, we feel the hurt and move forwards with renewed energy.

But just like to hear from the community on this..

 

Much love,

 

Nick

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ShakeyJerr

I have to believe that the lost years will be redeemed, Nick. I have a strong faith in God (though I have to ashamedly admit to some wavering and doubts during some of the hard waves of withdrawal), and He promises to redeem the lost days. I do not know what that will look like for me, my wife, and my children - or when it will happen - but it will.

 

SJ

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tntd

Hi Nick,

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.

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Bcdrugfree

I've had the same thoughts after my six years of ssri use. I lost lots of memories and moments. But I stay excited about the years to come. I'm 37 and done with the drugs, acceptance and time I believe are the keys!!

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nz11

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

post-2559-0-19459900-1493438978.jpg

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tntd

NZ, 

 

Congratulations on getting back into your sport and winning a silver. I'm so glad you have been able to get back into it. 

 

I agree that we all struggle with what we have lost and for many. like me, are still losing. It is hard not to think about it in a negative way. It is so good to hear the positive uplifting and successful stories of others that have made it or are making it to the other side and finding life is still good.

 

Hugs

T

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ShakeyJerr

Way to go nz! You rock!

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JanCarol

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!

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nicolantana

Thanks for the different answers guys! very positive and uplifting. This is all stuff I knew, but it's crucial to have it reinforced!

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PluckyPony

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

 

 

I'm proud of of you NZ!

 

 

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!

 

THIS!

 

So much warmth and wisdom in your words, Jan.  Very honest and real.

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FuzzyDunlop

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

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nz11

Thanks for the encouraging kind words.

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ShakeyJerr

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

You have many great years ahead of you, Fuzzy! You just keep working the slow taper, and you will get free of the meds. Focus on what you can do when as you heal. Hope in the future can be a great motivator!

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Martina23

I fight also with this.

 

I was before so obsessed with the idea to be a tax advisor, have a company and earn a lot of money and I see people with whom I worked in the past and had the same aims how they are already tax advisors and are sucessful and me after withdrawal, I am not even sure if I want to achieve it anymore. I got an other person, and it makes me confused and I am asking myself it is better or worse, if I should envy the people who are already tax advisors, in one way I envy but at the same time I dont really want it anymore, I am confused about and I am asking where I lost myself. If I lost myself. It is strange.

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frasier23
On 5/14/2017 at 2:00 AM, FuzzyDunlop said:

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

@FuzzyDunlop

I know you probably heard this before or thought about it yourself. But use this time to educate yourself so at least you are progressing in some areas ( only if you have the energy of course). When I wasn't 100% bedridden anymore I started small with some gaming (keeping up on new titles/consoles etc). I educated myself within general health and food/cooking ( also with purpose to recover faster). I started to read up on everything in the IT industry / new technologies. Started a new sport that I could manage to do. Started to write diary, food log. Started to managing my digital pictures. Its small things but you get a feeling of doing what you can to keep up with others / life (plus in some areas you may even end up with more experiences / knowledge then your peers when you're finally recovered).

 

Also remember that many people just work and train and fail with relationships during these years. I doesn't make me feel good to think like that but its important to know that many people that doesn't have your problem isn't "successful" in life anyway (it could be you). Ive learned a lot during my isolation. Who are my friends, who can I trust etc. When / if I enter normal life sometime I will be more prepared to make wise decision and also be more confident what its the right move (for example with relationships, disconnect bad ones your health is most important). 

 

Try to be social with your family and when you're ready , start slowly to tell more people about what you been through (you can use general words, it will strengthen you I believe, instead of being ashamed).  If you're into gaming start socialise in multiplayer games etc. Youre still very young. When you get off your medicines you have at least 20 years of reproducing to do if thats you're meaning with life.

 

Stay away from alcohol, smoking for life

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Madeleine
On 4/28/2017 at 6:58 PM, tntd said:

 

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.

Thanks for this post. I'm around your age and the attitude in the post has uplifted me and made me feel I am not the only one.  🙂
Best wishes,
M.

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tntd

Thank you for your kind words M. They have made me feel better on a bad day :) 

 

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bluecup

This is something I'm struggling with too. It just feels like so much of my life was lost. So I'm working to focus on what's beautiful, what's ok, what I've actually achieved. And to remind myself that at 35, my life isn't already over. Though sometimes it feels that way. I have an uphill journey to taper off this drug, and my life has already felt like an uphill journey in many ways. So I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I haven't figured out how to deal with the loss. But I'm trying. 

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Walking
On 9/26/2017 at 4:37 PM, Martina23 said:

...I am not even sure if I want to achieve it anymore. I got an other person, and it makes me confused and I am asking myself it is better or worse, if I should envy the people who are already tax advisors, in one way I envy but at the same time I dont really want it anymore, I am confused about and I am asking where I lost myself. If I lost myself. It is strange.

I can relate to this feeling Martina23. I have seen forum and blog posts which indicate that this lack of motivation, and inability even to care about one's own lack of it, is a fairly common W/D symptom.

 

I am doing my best to "act as if." I know who I am/was, and what it is that I love and feeds my soul. So I do those things as much as I am able, even when I don't really feel excited about them, because I believe that I am helping myself (although I can't give a reason why I believe this.) Maybe it's a story I need to tell myself b/c the hopelessness otherwise would be too overwhelming. Almost like talking to someone in a coma - with the belief that something inside them hears you and is benefited by the sound. 

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Hibari

I am feeling this way today.   I am mourning what wd has taken from in terms of quality of life.

 

I'm 59 and in the past months have lost in a very quick fashion my professional career, social life and bearings in the world.  

 

I haven't been able to go out and have some residual chemical agoraphobia right now.  

 

I am hoping that as I feel better, I will get more of a perspective on what has happened.

 

I know it has been a spiritual journey and made me realize what really matters to me.   Now I'm just looking for the chance to live that life.

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Martina23
On 12/5/2018 at 5:19 AM, Walking said:

I can relate to this feeling Martina23. I have seen forum and blog posts which indicate that this lack of motivation, and inability even to care about one's own lack of it, is a fairly common W/D symptom.

 

I am doing my best to "act as if." I know who I am/was, and what it is that I love and feeds my soul. So I do those things as much as I am able, even when I don't really feel excited about them, because I believe that I am helping myself (although I can't give a reason why I believe this.) Maybe it's a story I need to tell myself b/c the hopelessness otherwise would be too overwhelming. Almost like talking to someone in a coma - with the belief that something inside them hears you and is benefited by the sound. 

Hi Walking,

 

sorry for a too late answer :- ) But it came though.

 

You know, it is funny. It is more than one year I wrote that and I still feel like that. It is not that I lost motivation I am just an other person at all. Before I was very much interested in career and now the money is not so important for me anymore. I rather paint. Somewhat I am happy about it - I moved from not important things to the things I really love. I guess it was necessary. These doctors still run and are still interested only in money. What a waste of life! I think they are punished even if the courts don´t function.

 

I hope you feel already better. And I hope it is now nice on the East coast of the US. Here in Austria it was yesterday snowing.

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ShiningLight

This thread was the tipping point for what made me decide to become a member of this site.

 

My thinking on the issue of the lost years is thankfully evolving in the few months that I’ve been at this.

I do have a lot of anger at psychiatry, big pharma, and doctors. I’m in my late 40s now, on and off antidepressants since I was about 18. Pretty consistently on zoloft and trazodone since 2004, mostly taking to stave off the suicidal thoughts (unrecognized withdrawal!) that would happen if I tried to come off.

 

I now have neuropathic pain for the first time in my life while tapering gabapentin. As I’ve thought about my burning hands and feet, I’ve thought about what it means to be on fire. The fire is transforming me. It’s a rite of passage. And so I burn.

 

Where I am now: I chose to take the drugs. Like my parents, I chose to give myself the message that my emotions were “too much.” I have compassion for myself in that choice, because I made it as a young adult. I had no real skills to go out in the world and be able to wrangle my emotions, being the sensitive soul that I am.

 

Instead of thinking what I thought initially (“My whole *life* has been about psychiatry!!!”) I now think, My life is coming full circle. I am going back to right a wrong that was done to me by parents, psychiatry, big pharma--AND myself, because I was a willing participant. I can find meaning in that journey back to myself. It’s a living apology.

 

I don’t think I could have done it earlier. I did try. But I didn’t have the maturity. So I needed to be knocked on my rear end and given no choice but to learn how to deal with my emotions, because I wasn’t willing to do it any other way. It was too scary, too threatening, and I was too numb. And that is what withdrawal is doing for me, as difficult as it is. It’s forcing me to do things I never wanted to do and always ran from, like inhabiting my body, like meditating, like attending to my own needs, which I have neglected my entire life. My whole semiconscious life strategy was to try to escape with as little pain as possible. In so doing, I ended up causing myself great sorrow. I was existing, not living.

 

Now, I have the wonderful opportunity to set sail on this long journey back to myself and my heart. On a good day, I think I can accept whatever unknowns await me, because this is a meaningful, rich, and worthy life’s work.

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JB1234

Hi I am new and don’t know if anyone is on this topic and more.  I am coming off celexa as well as clonazopam and feel like I feel like my old personality is coming out of hibernation from other episodes of my life. This is something I don’t find distressful. However, it seems like my memories of the past 10 years or so are a blur. I feel like I have been doped up. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?

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dcrmt
2 hours ago, JB1234 said:

Hi I am new and don’t know if anyone is on this topic and more.  I am coming off celexa as well as clonazopam and feel like I feel like my old personality is coming out of hibernation from other episodes of my life. This is something I don’t find distressful. However, it seems like my memories of the past 10 years or so are a blur. I feel like I have been doped up. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?


Yes I feel/felt the same way and someone I used to know in person said similar things about their memory of their time on Celexa/Lexapro being a blur.
I had the same sense of my old personality coming back too, not so much pre SSRI (as if there is such a thing when you're drugged in your formative years) but pre-lexapro. 

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AuntieBea
On 4/27/2019 at 11:18 PM, ShiningLight said:

Now, I have the wonderful opportunity to set sail on this long journey back to myself and my heart. On a good day, Ithink I can accept whatever unknowns await me, because this is a meaningful, rich, and worthy life’s work.

 

 

Thank you ShiningLight  for your thought on The Lost Years 

 

 

 

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AuntieBea

That got posted way too soon...I don’t know how to do this at all!

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts about the lost years, ShiningLight. They helped me get in touch with my own experience of 

what has been lost, but in the context of acceptance, hope and trust, knowing that there is some greater meaning to all of this, that it is indeed a worthy life’s work. And that I’m not alone doing it. That’s on a good day, of course!!

 

I find that I need to give myself space to grieve this particular loss as I would if a loved one had died. Not to stay stuck there of course, but to find my way through the grief to acceptance and peace. My particular loss began long before I started taking antidepressants, somewhere in childhood when I chose to withdraw and go into depression in order to survive the pain. Prozac came along in my early thirties and actually lifted me out of that dark place where I had  lived for so long. It was the first experience I can remember of the darkness lifting, of feeling the lightness of a normal day. Oh, this is how most people feel...I remember thinking that to myself. It was a revelation. But it didn’t last. It was just a bandaid, a really dangerous bandaid.

 

And so the experience of loss has continued through years of taking various drugs and now trying to get off of them. What I have come to understand though, through lots of therapy and other healing work is that real healing occurs only when I am willing to  feel the pain instead of hiding from it in depression, or masking it with drugs. It simply does not go away until I am willing to experience it fully and am also willing to let it go. 

 

So much loss. I find myself sobbing just thinking about it. But at the same time I know that it truly is part of “the long journey back to myself and to my heart.” Thanks again ShiningLight!

 

 

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lalala

hi, I'm having a lot of emotions of grief and fear... regarding this process, I don't know hope to cope with the loneliness   the  dread of my lost time and

the limitations I have everyday, I feel stuck again and again  and fear the no life that is waiting and I am surrounded by people going on with there life its so painful

as I have limitations, and before this and wanted to improve my  not so great life, but I had  a life... now I'm like death , no energy, very little sleep at times, sxs that I can't control

and I don't see  a future , I don't know how to come to terms with this dysfunctional status and the not knowing ... i'm losing myself... 

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ten0275

hey @lalala, i remember feeling this way. it seemed really apparent that the rest of the world was moving forward and i was stuck, suffering, and out of commission. i remember feeling bitter seeing my family, co-workers, and friends going on with life, living it up as it were, while it was a good day for me if i could get out of bed, take a shower, keep a meal down, or walk to the mailbox. i felt very aware of that time that was slipping away. and i mourned it. further, i never thought i would get past mourning it - mostly because i believed i'd never be well enough too get past mourning it.

 

on the other side of it, now that i am actually living and doing the things that come with greater healing, the lost time doesn't seem so important anymore. i lost a couple solid years there, but looking back they just sort of blur together and i think of them as "that time, back then when everything was pain." i truly felt i would have some sort of post traumatic stress from the whole thing and while i have certainly had to deal with the loss and emotional pain of withdrawal, i find that it doesn't echo quite so loudly as i feared it would.

 

and to be honest, i did feel like i lost a lot of myself during that time - at least some very substantial portions of myself. but part of coming to terms with the process for me has been seeing the pieces of me that i lost, realizing that those parts were at least to some degree expendable, and coming to appreciate the newer facets of myself that have sprung up in their place. i had to forgive myself for taking the medications for so long, i had to forgive myself for early tapering mistakes in withdrawal, and i had to see the parts of withdrawal that made me stronger and more appreciative of life as a whole.

 

this is a philosophical question in a lot of ways, and my answer is just my opinion and what i experienced. but as resilient creatures, we do tend to find our own ways out of even the most dark and dire circumstances.

 

it is healthy to try to come to terms with what is happening.

 

hang in there,

 

dave

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lalala
35 minutes ago, ten0275 said:

hey @lalala, i remember feeling this way. it seemed really apparent that the rest of the world was moving forward and i was stuck, suffering, and out of commission. i remember feeling bitter seeing my family, co-workers, and friends going on with life, living it up as it were, while it was a good day for me if i could get out of bed, take a shower, keep a meal down, or walk to the mailbox. i felt very aware of that time that was slipping away. and i mourned it. further, i never thought i would get past mourning it - mostly because i believed i'd never be well enough too get past mourning it.

 

on the other side of it, now that i am actually living and doing the things that come with greater healing, the lost time doesn't seem so important anymore. i lost a couple solid years there, but looking back they just sort of blur together and i think of them as "that time, back then when everything was pain." i truly felt i would have some sort of post traumatic stress from the whole thing and while i have certainly had to deal with the loss and emotional pain of withdrawal, i find that it doesn't echo quite so loudly as i feared it would.

 

and to be honest, i did feel like i lost a lot of myself during that time - at least some very substantial portions of myself. but part of coming to terms with the process for me has been seeing the pieces of me that i lost, realizing that those parts were at least to some degree expendable, and coming to appreciate the newer facets of myself that have sprung up in their place. i had to forgive myself for taking the medications for so long, i had to forgive myself for early tapering mistakes in withdrawal, and i had to see the parts of withdrawal that made me stronger and more appreciative of life as a whole.

 

this is a philosophical question in a lot of ways, and my answer is just my opinion and what i experienced. but as resilient creatures, we do tend to find our own ways out of even the most dark and dire circumstances.

 

it is healthy to try to come to terms with what is happening.

 

hang in there,

 

dave

Hi Dave so kind of you  to write this wise message and  its resonates so much with me,  as if I would have written it myself, I'm a mess right now  and despite   coming to forums for support its a double edge sword  as it also opens to a world of hurt and horror which  I have been very much impacted  and having to deal with what will be. I appreciate so much you support and care... I know  its healthy, tiring  just having a melt down today...

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herod

I feel you. I've lost 6 months of my life, 2 years if you count how careless I was with my duties while on the medication. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

But with each passing month, we get a bit better. We will ALL heal -- you included. It's just a matter of time.

Think of the future when you'll be able to look back on your current state and honestly not even recognize yourself. All of this will eventually be behind you, and you'll be sittting in the sun somewhere and sipping a martini.

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readyfortheworld

@lalala I can relate with this. I feel like my life is wasting away while everyone is out, enjoying their lives. I’m young and I’m missing out a lot in life due to me dealing with withdrawal. 

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lalala
1 hour ago, herod said:

I feel you. I've lost 6 months of my life, 2 years if you count how careless I was with my duties while on the medication. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

But with each passing month, we get a bit better. We will ALL heal -- you included. It's just a matter of time.

Think of the future when you'll be able to look back on your current state and honestly not even recognize yourself. All of this will eventually be behind you, and you'll be sittting in the sun somewhere and sipping a martini.

thank you dont know about martini... as alcohol makes me ill... I hope for better days right now in crisis 

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