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nicolantana

Dealing with the lost years and moving forward

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nicolantana

Hey guys,

 

There may be another thread along this line so feel free to join if necessary.

The title of the post speaks for itself.

 

I'm only 9 months into hell. Five months on meds, four off. I have severe anhedonia. pretty lifeless but in control of the situation.

I'm 29 years old. It pains me that my life is on hold for the forseeable future.

 

I know alot of the answers are straighforward here, we grieve, we feel the hurt and move forwards with renewed energy.

But just like to hear from the community on this..

 

Much love,

 

Nick


late July...lexapro 10 seroquel 25.....due to mild depression......adverse reaction, suicidal thoughts, hospitalization

August....felt that meds were ripping stomach apart....docs didn't believe me..upped meds to seroquel 125, lexapro 20, mirtazapine 30, olanzapine 20....stayed on these drugs unitl mid november......severe anhedonia all the time...mid novemeber 2016 , began taper.....very small windows of emotion...Christmas....off everything by Christmas day......last six weeks, cried and laughed on a number of occasions for first time since taking initial meds....8 occasions of strong emotion over 6 weeks in ealry 2016.......doubting recovery......

BIG WINDOW IN july 2017, felt incredible, lasted a month or so, felt close to recovered...window left, september to Chrimstas 17 was anhedonic hell.....Turn of the year, January 2018, some very strong days (a window) offering renewed hope

back to hell until late February 2018, strong 10 day window....followed by anhedonic wave for 7 months straight! not a flicker of normalcy

September 2018 ...incredible window...followed by three month wave.January 2019.... a strong window

window subsided, but new baseline was higher.....life since January 2019 ( 9 months and counting) has been far better. Complete anhedonia is gone!! God, I've tears writing that. I am far from recovered, but far from hell...to use a scale, if life is rated out of a hundred, I was about minus 50 for the majority of 2 years..I know feel about 30 per cent of self, experiences intermittent flickers of normal life regularly....My days have more quality and I am optimistic of recovery. 

 

 

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ShakeyJerr

I have to believe that the lost years will be redeemed, Nick. I have a strong faith in God (though I have to ashamedly admit to some wavering and doubts during some of the hard waves of withdrawal), and He promises to redeem the lost days. I do not know what that will look like for me, my wife, and my children - or when it will happen - but it will.

 

SJ


Main thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14472-shakeyjerr-say-hello/

History: Prozac & Lithium from 1999 to 2003. Ended up back on after 4 months because taking a beta-blocker caused immediate depression (just 2 doses - turned out I didn't even need it; I had no other withdrawal symptoms - I might have ended up med and withdrawal-free otherwise :(). - Switched to Effexor (75mg 3/day) and Seroquel (50mg 3/day) in 2010. - Did a self-taper during 2016. - Developed Discontinuation Syndrome 02/17.

Supplements: Magnesium-Glycinate 400mg split into 4 100mg doses throughout the day. Vitamin C 500mg - once per day. Fish Oil 1360 mg (950 mg Active Omega-3) - twice per day.

I'm not a doctor. I use the internet, experience, and trial & error. Seek medical advice if necessary.

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tntd

Hi Nick,

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.


Buspirone to 40mg, Cold Turkey St. John's Wort 600mg Jan 1, 2016. Cold Turkey Buproprion 150SR June 1 due to severe Akathisia that did not decrease with reducing the dosage.

Clonazepam 1.25mg, started daily liquid micro taper of clonazepam on Nov 1, 2016. Changed to sxs based taper 01/17. Slow and steady

11/10/16 .4104 3X day; 11/17/16 .4091 3x day; 11/28/16 .406 3x day; 12/4/16 .404 3x day; 12/11/16 .4028 3x

01/12/17 .39267 3x day holding; 02/25/17 .3902 3x day, holding. .3823mg 3x day. Tapering weekly at .0019mg, as of 09/21/18 .3542mg 3x day.  1/3/2019 .339mg 3x day. 6/25/19 .3307mg 3x day. 8/24/19 .317mg 3x day 2/13/20 .2886mg 3x day

L-theanine 200 mg, L-glycine 500mg 1x day and 1000mg 1x day, vit C 1000 mg sustained release 2x day. Fish oil 1800mg EPA + DHA. Vit E 400 IU, magnesium in various forms. Inositol 3x a day abt 14mg, Taurine 500mg.

5/20/16 Using Cranial Eletrotherapy Stimulation. 2x day 1 hour at level 1. Using Alph-Stim AID. 

 

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Bcdrugfree

I've had the same thoughts after my six years of ssri use. I lost lots of memories and moments. But I stay excited about the years to come. I'm 37 and done with the drugs, acceptance and time I believe are the keys!!


20 mg cipralex for 6 years, did a two months taper roughly 5mg at a time. Then 2 months drug free. Then needed to reinstate 5mg cipralex for one week now. Also take omega 3,Vit c, b12, glucosamine as supplements.

 

-so I've reinstate 5mg cipralex since may.19 till current.

 

-No other drugs being taken

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nz11

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

post-2559-0-19459900-1493438978.jpg


Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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tntd

NZ, 

 

Congratulations on getting back into your sport and winning a silver. I'm so glad you have been able to get back into it. 

 

I agree that we all struggle with what we have lost and for many. like me, are still losing. It is hard not to think about it in a negative way. It is so good to hear the positive uplifting and successful stories of others that have made it or are making it to the other side and finding life is still good.

 

Hugs

T


Buspirone to 40mg, Cold Turkey St. John's Wort 600mg Jan 1, 2016. Cold Turkey Buproprion 150SR June 1 due to severe Akathisia that did not decrease with reducing the dosage.

Clonazepam 1.25mg, started daily liquid micro taper of clonazepam on Nov 1, 2016. Changed to sxs based taper 01/17. Slow and steady

11/10/16 .4104 3X day; 11/17/16 .4091 3x day; 11/28/16 .406 3x day; 12/4/16 .404 3x day; 12/11/16 .4028 3x

01/12/17 .39267 3x day holding; 02/25/17 .3902 3x day, holding. .3823mg 3x day. Tapering weekly at .0019mg, as of 09/21/18 .3542mg 3x day.  1/3/2019 .339mg 3x day. 6/25/19 .3307mg 3x day. 8/24/19 .317mg 3x day 2/13/20 .2886mg 3x day

L-theanine 200 mg, L-glycine 500mg 1x day and 1000mg 1x day, vit C 1000 mg sustained release 2x day. Fish oil 1800mg EPA + DHA. Vit E 400 IU, magnesium in various forms. Inositol 3x a day abt 14mg, Taurine 500mg.

5/20/16 Using Cranial Eletrotherapy Stimulation. 2x day 1 hour at level 1. Using Alph-Stim AID. 

 

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ShakeyJerr

Way to go nz! You rock!


Main thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14472-shakeyjerr-say-hello/

History: Prozac & Lithium from 1999 to 2003. Ended up back on after 4 months because taking a beta-blocker caused immediate depression (just 2 doses - turned out I didn't even need it; I had no other withdrawal symptoms - I might have ended up med and withdrawal-free otherwise :(). - Switched to Effexor (75mg 3/day) and Seroquel (50mg 3/day) in 2010. - Did a self-taper during 2016. - Developed Discontinuation Syndrome 02/17.

Supplements: Magnesium-Glycinate 400mg split into 4 100mg doses throughout the day. Vitamin C 500mg - once per day. Fish Oil 1360 mg (950 mg Active Omega-3) - twice per day.

I'm not a doctor. I use the internet, experience, and trial & error. Seek medical advice if necessary.

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JanCarol

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!


"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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nicolantana

Thanks for the different answers guys! very positive and uplifting. This is all stuff I knew, but it's crucial to have it reinforced!


late July...lexapro 10 seroquel 25.....due to mild depression......adverse reaction, suicidal thoughts, hospitalization

August....felt that meds were ripping stomach apart....docs didn't believe me..upped meds to seroquel 125, lexapro 20, mirtazapine 30, olanzapine 20....stayed on these drugs unitl mid november......severe anhedonia all the time...mid novemeber 2016 , began taper.....very small windows of emotion...Christmas....off everything by Christmas day......last six weeks, cried and laughed on a number of occasions for first time since taking initial meds....8 occasions of strong emotion over 6 weeks in ealry 2016.......doubting recovery......

BIG WINDOW IN july 2017, felt incredible, lasted a month or so, felt close to recovered...window left, september to Chrimstas 17 was anhedonic hell.....Turn of the year, January 2018, some very strong days (a window) offering renewed hope

back to hell until late February 2018, strong 10 day window....followed by anhedonic wave for 7 months straight! not a flicker of normalcy

September 2018 ...incredible window...followed by three month wave.January 2019.... a strong window

window subsided, but new baseline was higher.....life since January 2019 ( 9 months and counting) has been far better. Complete anhedonia is gone!! God, I've tears writing that. I am far from recovered, but far from hell...to use a scale, if life is rated out of a hundred, I was about minus 50 for the majority of 2 years..I know feel about 30 per cent of self, experiences intermittent flickers of normal life regularly....My days have more quality and I am optimistic of recovery. 

 

 

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PluckyPony

This is my first post in this area of threads of sa.

I've been wanting to mention this very topic but didnt know where and didnt really want to mention it in my intro.

 

Just recently i have  also been brokenhearted at the lost years.

In particular i am outraged at the sporting years stolen from me by GSK.

 

As i look back the time i stopped playing representative sport or club sport or social sport was the virtually the day i started popping pills from the doctor. I now believe that was not a coincidence. Basically 15.5 years of sport stolen from me. All  my passions affections desires simply vapourized.

 

At 5.5 yrs off the drug ...almost one year ago today I decided i would join a club again and start again. The withdrawal was so disabling i couldnt have done it any sooner.

 

It was humbling and embarrassing. I persevered ..it was a slow process.

It was more the occasion than any ability i decided to enter the World Masters Games 2017.

It is the first time in over 15 years i have played in any tournament or competition. I wasnt expecting a lot just to turn up.

I will never get those lost years back but i have a new challenge and its to make the most of those years i do have left. Stay calm and master it. It could so easily have been so much better however i am happy considering my GSK handicap to come away with a silver. Sport: Prefer not to say.

 

My compromised cns is currently struggling coping with what i lost when it should be rejoicing in what i accomplished. But i guess thats human nature anyway.

 

I post this as an encouragement to not give up but see it as not second best but a second chance because many don't even come through this alive.

 

nz11

Stay calm and master it.

 

 

I'm proud of of you NZ!

 

 

It's a hard one.

 

I'm in my 50's now.  So - there would be many years which would be a blur, anyway.

 

How well do I want to remember that mountain, that concert, that picnic with friends?

 

Of course I do - but it seems like, over time, the important stuff sticks or comes back.  Or enough stuff sticks and comes back that I still feel like a person.

 

I don't know that there's a tipping point - if you have 100 memories are you less alive than the person with 1000?  Memories do make up what we are, but they are also faulty, tinged, with a bias towards the "bad" memories.  It's a survival mechanism - remember - don't touch that hot stove!

 

I do know this, I am a better person now, after, off the drugs, than I was before them.  It's easy to see.  I am able to see other people more clearly, recognize their feelings and compassion for them.  That would not have been possible when I was younger.

 

Well done on the sports NZ!

 

THIS!

 

So much warmth and wisdom in your words, Jan.  Very honest and real.


2006-2009 Zyprexa and Wellbutrin (dc Wellbutrin cold turkey, dc Zyprexa cold turkey with disastrous results) 2009-2010 Transitioned from Zyprexa to Abilify 2010-2015 Reduced from 20 mg of Abilify to 8mg. Cold turkeyed once during this period but finally learned my lesson.  12/2015 -  8mg of Abilify.  04/15/ 2016 -  7mg of Abilify. 09/15/2016 - 6.3mg of Abilify.  11/2016 - 5.7 mg of Abilify.  11/30/2016 - 5.1mg of Abilify. 01/2017 - 4.6mg of Abilify,  02/2017 - 4.1 of Abilify, 03/2017 - 3.8 of Abilify, 04/2017 - 3.4 of Abilify, 05/2017 - 3.0mg of Abilify, 07/2017 2.7mg of Abilify, 8/2017 2.5mg to 2.3 of Abilify , 9/2017 2mg to 1.8mg of Abilify, 10/2017 400mg of Abilify Maintena, unknown amounts of paroxine (sp), geodon and unknown benzo (forced), 11/2017 Abilify 6.0mg , 12/2017 Abilify 5.5 , 1/2018 Abilify 5.0mg, 3/2018 Abilify 4.5mg

 

It's always darkest before dawn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FuzzyDunlop

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.


Put on Ativan in December of 2012 and told to take three pills daily. I believe it was 1.5 mg's.

 

Switched to Xanax in April of 2013. I believe it was 1.0 mg's.

 

Switched to 1 mg Klonopin in August of 2013 gradually updosed until I reached 2.5 mg's in December of 2015.

 

Began 10% dry/liquid microtaper in February of 2016 at 2.5 mg's. I liquefied .5 mg's at a time in 100 mL's of milk while removing at first 1.2 mL's a day while taking the rest dry until arriving at roughly 1.75 mg's when I switched to .6 mL's a day.

 

10/31/16 - at 1.5 mg's. Currently holding taking whole dose dry. 11/03/16 - Bad side effects, updose to 2 mg's 11/30/16 - Failed substitution with Valium. Doctor wouldn't do crossover and did not give proper equivalency. Did not go well. Also briefly on Gabapentin for about 2 weeks at 150-300 mg's 12/04/16 - Back to 2 mg's of Klonopin 12/27/16 - Reinstated to 2.5 mg K. Symptoms at all time worst. Completely non functional.

 

Have been briefly on and off of many other SSRI's and psych meds including Prozac, Celexa, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Gabapentin and Lamictal. They were all very low dosages and the only one that I was on for more than a few days is Celexa which I got up to 10 mg's for roughly two months and tapered off of.

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nz11

Thanks for the encouraging kind words.


Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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ShakeyJerr

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

You have many great years ahead of you, Fuzzy! You just keep working the slow taper, and you will get free of the meds. Focus on what you can do when as you heal. Hope in the future can be a great motivator!


Main thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14472-shakeyjerr-say-hello/

History: Prozac & Lithium from 1999 to 2003. Ended up back on after 4 months because taking a beta-blocker caused immediate depression (just 2 doses - turned out I didn't even need it; I had no other withdrawal symptoms - I might have ended up med and withdrawal-free otherwise :(). - Switched to Effexor (75mg 3/day) and Seroquel (50mg 3/day) in 2010. - Did a self-taper during 2016. - Developed Discontinuation Syndrome 02/17.

Supplements: Magnesium-Glycinate 400mg split into 4 100mg doses throughout the day. Vitamin C 500mg - once per day. Fish Oil 1360 mg (950 mg Active Omega-3) - twice per day.

I'm not a doctor. I use the internet, experience, and trial & error. Seek medical advice if necessary.

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Martina23

I fight also with this.

 

I was before so obsessed with the idea to be a tax advisor, have a company and earn a lot of money and I see people with whom I worked in the past and had the same aims how they are already tax advisors and are sucessful and me after withdrawal, I am not even sure if I want to achieve it anymore. I got an other person, and it makes me confused and I am asking myself it is better or worse, if I should envy the people who are already tax advisors, in one way I envy but at the same time I dont really want it anymore, I am confused about and I am asking where I lost myself. If I lost myself. It is strange.


05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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frasier23
On 5/14/2017 at 2:00 AM, FuzzyDunlop said:

I'm struggling so much with this right now. I've missed so many big things like weddings, the birth of my friend's children, vacations and good times that I should have been there for but also just working, driving, exercising, going to Celtics games, feeling like myself! This has been four and a half years of Hell because of Klonopin and I can't let go of the anger that this all could have been avoided if a doctor had done his job. I'm 31 and still on 2.5 mg's of Klonopin and feeling so hopeless. I can't deal with the social isolation and being sedentary anymore.

@FuzzyDunlop

I know you probably heard this before or thought about it yourself. But use this time to educate yourself so at least you are progressing in some areas ( only if you have the energy of course). When I wasn't 100% bedridden anymore I started small with some gaming (keeping up on new titles/consoles etc). I educated myself within general health and food/cooking ( also with purpose to recover faster). I started to read up on everything in the IT industry / new technologies. Started a new sport that I could manage to do. Started to write diary, food log. Started to managing my digital pictures. Its small things but you get a feeling of doing what you can to keep up with others / life (plus in some areas you may even end up with more experiences / knowledge then your peers when you're finally recovered).

 

Also remember that many people just work and train and fail with relationships during these years. I doesn't make me feel good to think like that but its important to know that many people that doesn't have your problem isn't "successful" in life anyway (it could be you). Ive learned a lot during my isolation. Who are my friends, who can I trust etc. When / if I enter normal life sometime I will be more prepared to make wise decision and also be more confident what its the right move (for example with relationships, disconnect bad ones your health is most important). 

 

Try to be social with your family and when you're ready , start slowly to tell more people about what you been through (you can use general words, it will strengthen you I believe, instead of being ashamed).  If you're into gaming start socialise in multiplayer games etc. Youre still very young. When you get off your medicines you have at least 20 years of reproducing to do if thats you're meaning with life.

 

Stay away from alcohol, smoking for life


2015june psyc ward due to psychosis

10 days 10mg zyprexa. stopped cold turkey. side effects were blinking eyes, eyes shut down by themself when going to sleep, restless,hunger. I had natural sleep (6hrs) before zyprexa. Slept exact 8hours with zyprexa.

 

2015july one month after cold turkey(had own sleep during this time exact 8hours every night, felt like zyprexa sleep even though i didnt take it) I lost my sleep over a night and it never came back. 0hours for 7-10days before I had to reinstate zyprexa on 5mg first 2days 10mg 1week 5mg 1week and then stopped CT. maybe also had 7.5 and 2.5 some days dont remember.

 

2015sept/october 3weeks Nitrazepam 1w Theralen build of sleep

 

2016may psyc ward psychoziz. Trilafon injection Immovan 3weekz

 

2016june 1week theralen had some extra sleep but realised its just pushing problem forward i guess

 

2019 Ive now been medicine free for almost 2.5 years (I think last Trilafon injection was 2016 October) and still not fully recovered. I believe my overdose on Zyprexa (20mg + injection) did most damage. 

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Madeleine
On 4/28/2017 at 6:58 PM, tntd said:

 

 

This is my second time feeling like I have lost years. The first time I had two small children and the medications turned me into a zombie. I don't remember much from that time, I call them my lost five years. I did grieve them at first but now I don't think about them much. Once I was through them and back into life I found that I was enjoying life so much that I didn't have time to worry about or even think about what I had missed. I'm hoping that this time will be the same and that once I recover from the w/d and taper off the meds I am still on I will still have a lot of life left and I will just go out and enjoy it. I'm doing the grieving right now so that should be done by the time I'm better too. I'm almost 51 by the way and still feel that there is a lot that life has to offer once I'm healed. I also have a lot to offer life. I think these experiences help us to be more compassionate and empathetic with other people.

 

Hugs and healing.

Thanks for this post. I'm around your age and the attitude in the post has uplifted me and made me feel I am not the only one.  🙂
Best wishes,
M.


Dec 1, 2016. 10 mg zyprexa for 1.5 month. Started taper mid-Jan. 2017. Cut 1.25 mg every 2 weeks; smaller cuts 2.5 mg down. Stopped at .6 mg. May 7, 2017: zyprexa free. 
Zoloft: Dec1, 2016, 200 mg. Started taper: Jun12, 2017: 197.5 mg; Jun19,:195 mg; July 2:185mg; July 9,:180 mg; July16,: 175; July 23: 170; July 30: 165; Aug6: 160; Aug13: 155; Aug. 20: 150; Aug.27: 146 mg; Sept3: 145 mg; Sept10:143 mg; Sept17:140 mg....Nov5: 122 mg...Dec3:112.5 mg; Jan14, 2018: 95 mg...Jan28: 90 mg; Feb21:80 mg; Mar11: 75 mg; May2:70 mg; May15: 68 mg; May28: 65 mg; Jun9: 62 mg;Jun25: 60 mg:July22: 55 mg; Aug25: 45 mg. Aug28: 50 mg...Oct 28: 38 mg; Dec.4: 30 mg; Jan8,2019: 25mg; Feb6: 23.5 mg; Apr1:17.5mg; May1:1 mg; May 5: 18;  May 18:15mg; June 16:12.5mg; Sept 10:11 mg; Sept.16:10 mg; Oct. 1: 9mg; Nov. 27: 8mg; Dec.5: 7mg; Jan.1,2020, 6 mg; Feb1: 5 mg; May 1: 2.5 mg; Jn 1: 2 mg; Jy 1: 1.5 mg
Spreadsheet: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pw4tjImAJ92OIVyRvZoZYjqxiKMk7wvp-ljiIi1olRo/edit#gid=0

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tntd

Thank you for your kind words M. They have made me feel better on a bad day :) 

 


Buspirone to 40mg, Cold Turkey St. John's Wort 600mg Jan 1, 2016. Cold Turkey Buproprion 150SR June 1 due to severe Akathisia that did not decrease with reducing the dosage.

Clonazepam 1.25mg, started daily liquid micro taper of clonazepam on Nov 1, 2016. Changed to sxs based taper 01/17. Slow and steady

11/10/16 .4104 3X day; 11/17/16 .4091 3x day; 11/28/16 .406 3x day; 12/4/16 .404 3x day; 12/11/16 .4028 3x

01/12/17 .39267 3x day holding; 02/25/17 .3902 3x day, holding. .3823mg 3x day. Tapering weekly at .0019mg, as of 09/21/18 .3542mg 3x day.  1/3/2019 .339mg 3x day. 6/25/19 .3307mg 3x day. 8/24/19 .317mg 3x day 2/13/20 .2886mg 3x day

L-theanine 200 mg, L-glycine 500mg 1x day and 1000mg 1x day, vit C 1000 mg sustained release 2x day. Fish oil 1800mg EPA + DHA. Vit E 400 IU, magnesium in various forms. Inositol 3x a day abt 14mg, Taurine 500mg.

5/20/16 Using Cranial Eletrotherapy Stimulation. 2x day 1 hour at level 1. Using Alph-Stim AID. 

 

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bluecup

This is something I'm struggling with too. It just feels like so much of my life was lost. So I'm working to focus on what's beautiful, what's ok, what I've actually achieved. And to remind myself that at 35, my life isn't already over. Though sometimes it feels that way. I have an uphill journey to taper off this drug, and my life has already felt like an uphill journey in many ways. So I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I haven't figured out how to deal with the loss. But I'm trying. 


  • July 2002 - Started Paxil CR 25 mg 
  • July 2003 - Tapered off Paxil over two weeks 
  • October 2003 - switched to Lexapro
  • October 2003 - Started 20 mg Paxil 
  • October 2003 - December 2018 - 10 mg/20 mg Paxil alternating days
  • December 2018 - 15 mg Paxil daily
  • February 15, 2018 - Taper begun. Reduced 1 mg/month for two months. 
  • April 2018 - Switched to liquid. Taper rate changed to 0.4 mg reduction/2 weeks
  • September 13, 2018 - Reached dosage of 8.4 mg 
  • September 18, 2018 - Went back up to 8.8 mg
  • Currently on hold at 8.8 mg while researching. Considering Brass Monkey Microtaper slide method.

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Walking
On 9/26/2017 at 4:37 PM, Martina23 said:

...I am not even sure if I want to achieve it anymore. I got an other person, and it makes me confused and I am asking myself it is better or worse, if I should envy the people who are already tax advisors, in one way I envy but at the same time I dont really want it anymore, I am confused about and I am asking where I lost myself. If I lost myself. It is strange.

I can relate to this feeling Martina23. I have seen forum and blog posts which indicate that this lack of motivation, and inability even to care about one's own lack of it, is a fairly common W/D symptom.

 

I am doing my best to "act as if." I know who I am/was, and what it is that I love and feeds my soul. So I do those things as much as I am able, even when I don't really feel excited about them, because I believe that I am helping myself (although I can't give a reason why I believe this.) Maybe it's a story I need to tell myself b/c the hopelessness otherwise would be too overwhelming. Almost like talking to someone in a coma - with the belief that something inside them hears you and is benefited by the sound. 


3/2018: 10mg/day escalitopram; 10/19/18: blood tests revealed mild hypothyroidism & higher than normal cholesterol, so decided to discontinue by tapering off & reduced to 5mg/day; 11/11/18: reduced to approx. 2.5mg/day (inexact since using pill splitter). Resumed long-discontinued Solgar cal/mag/zinc but the exhaustion came back so will try to cut dosage. Taking a plethora of vits/minerals for many years; wondering whether some of what I'm on is causing the exhaustion that came on 3.5 yrs ago w/broken foot & never left. Discontinued 12/2/18. Each step down. Took 3 weeks to stabilize enough for next stage. A month out from discontinuation, I am symptom free except for occasional cognitive fog, and intermittent muscle soreness. 6 weeks out (1/19/19), feeling pretty good, a bit active bowel still and gym stamina back to 80% pre-medication levels.

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Hibari

I am feeling this way today.   I am mourning what wd has taken from in terms of quality of life.

 

I'm 59 and in the past months have lost in a very quick fashion my professional career, social life and bearings in the world.  

 

I haven't been able to go out and have some residual chemical agoraphobia right now.  

 

I am hoping that as I feel better, I will get more of a perspective on what has happened.

 

I know it has been a spiritual journey and made me realize what really matters to me.   Now I'm just looking for the chance to live that life.


Sept 2013-Apr 2014:  After death of my mom put on as series of meds. Zoloft 6 days, Lexapro1 day, Nortriptyline 10 days, Liquid Prozac 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week.

Got off Clonzapam: 1/2014-9/2014. After given Lamictal, stopped Clonzapam at .125mgs

Completed Remeron taper: 41.25 -0.025mgs  1/2015-4 2017. 

Completed Lamictal Taper: 200mgs-0.05 mgs 7/ 2015-11/2018. 

Clonazapam  December 2018. 0.625 Had paradoxical reaction to Lamictal wd, broke my heart to take a benzo but wasn't sleeping and not thinking straight. 28 March, 2019  4% taper Total: .625mgai   26 May, 2019  4% taper Total: .575 mgai,   24 June, 2019 2.5 % taper  10 Clonzapam tablets weigh1.999 mgpw  Average  200 mgpw.  0.0073mgai 9AM, 0.0073mgai 3PM, .415mgai, Total: 561mgai,  10 July, 2019 (Compounded pills) .0073mgai 9AM,.0073mgai 3PM, .415mgai,

Total .561mgai   26 August, 2019 (Back to regular pills due to bad reaction) .0078mgai 9AM, .01075mgai 3PM, .360mgai PM, Total: .545mgai   26 Sept. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM, .1mgai 3PM, 0.350mgai PM: Total: .5275mgai   31 Oct, 2019 .0750mgai 9AM, .0925mgai 3PM, 0.340mgai 930PM, Total: .5075mgai,   30 Nov. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM, .0825mgai 3PM, .3325mgai 9:30PM, Total:.490mgai   31 Dec. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM,  .080mgai 3PM, .3225mgai 9:30PM,  Total: .4775mgai   31 Jan. 2020 .0725mgai 9AM, .0750mgai 3pm, .315mgai 9:30PM, Total: .4625mgai    29 Feb. 2020  .0675mgai 9AM, .0675 3PM, .305 mgai 9PM Total: .440mgai 31 March 2020 .065mgai 9AM,  .065mgai 3PM, .2925mgai 10PM, Total: 4225mgai  30 April 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625mgai 3PM, .2775mgai 10PM  Total: .4025mgai 31 May 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625 mgai 3PM, .2526 mgai 10PM, Total: .3775mgai  30 June 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625mgai 3PM  .2175 mgai 10PM Total .3425mgai.   31 July 2020 .0575 mgai 9AM .0550 mgai 3PM .180mgai 10PM Total .2925mgai  31 August 2020 .00475mgai 9AM, 0.0045mgai 3PM, .01475mgai 10PM Total: .2375mgai

 

Additional Support:  Armour Thyroid 75mgs,  Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Magnesium Glycinate

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Martina23
On 12/5/2018 at 5:19 AM, Walking said:

I can relate to this feeling Martina23. I have seen forum and blog posts which indicate that this lack of motivation, and inability even to care about one's own lack of it, is a fairly common W/D symptom.

 

I am doing my best to "act as if." I know who I am/was, and what it is that I love and feeds my soul. So I do those things as much as I am able, even when I don't really feel excited about them, because I believe that I am helping myself (although I can't give a reason why I believe this.) Maybe it's a story I need to tell myself b/c the hopelessness otherwise would be too overwhelming. Almost like talking to someone in a coma - with the belief that something inside them hears you and is benefited by the sound. 

Hi Walking,

 

sorry for a too late answer :- ) But it came though.

 

You know, it is funny. It is more than one year I wrote that and I still feel like that. It is not that I lost motivation I am just an other person at all. Before I was very much interested in career and now the money is not so important for me anymore. I rather paint. Somewhat I am happy about it - I moved from not important things to the things I really love. I guess it was necessary. These doctors still run and are still interested only in money. What a waste of life! I think they are punished even if the courts don´t function.

 

I hope you feel already better. And I hope it is now nice on the East coast of the US. Here in Austria it was yesterday snowing.


05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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ShiningLight

This thread was the tipping point for what made me decide to become a member of this site.

 

My thinking on the issue of the lost years is thankfully evolving in the few months that I’ve been at this.

I do have a lot of anger at psychiatry, big pharma, and doctors. I’m in my late 40s now, on and off antidepressants since I was about 18. Pretty consistently on zoloft and trazodone since 2004, mostly taking to stave off the suicidal thoughts (unrecognized withdrawal!) that would happen if I tried to come off.

 

I now have neuropathic pain for the first time in my life while tapering gabapentin. As I’ve thought about my burning hands and feet, I’ve thought about what it means to be on fire. The fire is transforming me. It’s a rite of passage. And so I burn.

 

Where I am now: I chose to take the drugs. Like my parents, I chose to give myself the message that my emotions were “too much.” I have compassion for myself in that choice, because I made it as a young adult. I had no real skills to go out in the world and be able to wrangle my emotions, being the sensitive soul that I am.

 

Instead of thinking what I thought initially (“My whole *life* has been about psychiatry!!!”) I now think, My life is coming full circle. I am going back to right a wrong that was done to me by parents, psychiatry, big pharma--AND myself, because I was a willing participant. I can find meaning in that journey back to myself. It’s a living apology.

 

I don’t think I could have done it earlier. I did try. But I didn’t have the maturity. So I needed to be knocked on my rear end and given no choice but to learn how to deal with my emotions, because I wasn’t willing to do it any other way. It was too scary, too threatening, and I was too numb. And that is what withdrawal is doing for me, as difficult as it is. It’s forcing me to do things I never wanted to do and always ran from, like inhabiting my body, like meditating, like attending to my own needs, which I have neglected my entire life. My whole semiconscious life strategy was to try to escape with as little pain as possible. In so doing, I ended up causing myself great sorrow. I was existing, not living.

 

Now, I have the wonderful opportunity to set sail on this long journey back to myself and my heart. On a good day, I think I can accept whatever unknowns await me, because this is a meaningful, rich, and worthy life’s work.


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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JB1234

Hi I am new and don’t know if anyone is on this topic and more.  I am coming off celexa as well as clonazopam and feel like I feel like my old personality is coming out of hibernation from other episodes of my life. This is something I don’t find distressful. However, it seems like my memories of the past 10 years or so are a blur. I feel like I have been doped up. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?


Citalopram 40 mg — (Now 6mg after 8 months approx) 

clonazopam 1.5 mg (Now .25 mg after 10 months approx)

lamotrigine 150 mg

methylphenidate (ritalin) 54 mg

modafinil 400 mg

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dcrmt
2 hours ago, JB1234 said:

Hi I am new and don’t know if anyone is on this topic and more.  I am coming off celexa as well as clonazopam and feel like I feel like my old personality is coming out of hibernation from other episodes of my life. This is something I don’t find distressful. However, it seems like my memories of the past 10 years or so are a blur. I feel like I have been doped up. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?


Yes I feel/felt the same way and someone I used to know in person said similar things about their memory of their time on Celexa/Lexapro being a blur.
I had the same sense of my old personality coming back too, not so much pre SSRI (as if there is such a thing when you're drugged in your formative years) but pre-lexapro. 

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AuntieBea
On 4/27/2019 at 11:18 PM, ShiningLight said:

Now, I have the wonderful opportunity to set sail on this long journey back to myself and my heart. On a good day, Ithink I can accept whatever unknowns await me, because this is a meaningful, rich, and worthy life’s work.

 

 

Thank you ShiningLight  for your thought on The Lost Years 

 

 

 


1991: Start Prozac / 1993: Stop Prozac / 1995: Restart Prozac

1997: Add Wellbutrin / 2002: CT Prozac & Wellbutrin

2004-2017: Start 10mg Celexa & 150mg Wellbutrin 

2007: Add Ativan / 2009: Stop Ativan, start Klonopin & Seroquel

2012-2013: Taper off Klonopin & Seroquel

Aug 2017: Start tapering 10mg Celexa & 150mg Wellbutrin

Apr 2018: 6.5mg Celexa & 100mg Wellbutrin

Apr 2019: 5.4mg Celexa & 100mg Wellbutrin

Nov 2019: Start tapering Wellbutrin

Sept 2020: 5.4mg Celexa & 50mg Wellbutrin

 

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AuntieBea

That got posted way too soon...I don’t know how to do this at all!

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts about the lost years, ShiningLight. They helped me get in touch with my own experience of 

what has been lost, but in the context of acceptance, hope and trust, knowing that there is some greater meaning to all of this, that it is indeed a worthy life’s work. And that I’m not alone doing it. That’s on a good day, of course!!

 

I find that I need to give myself space to grieve this particular loss as I would if a loved one had died. Not to stay stuck there of course, but to find my way through the grief to acceptance and peace. My particular loss began long before I started taking antidepressants, somewhere in childhood when I chose to withdraw and go into depression in order to survive the pain. Prozac came along in my early thirties and actually lifted me out of that dark place where I had  lived for so long. It was the first experience I can remember of the darkness lifting, of feeling the lightness of a normal day. Oh, this is how most people feel...I remember thinking that to myself. It was a revelation. But it didn’t last. It was just a bandaid, a really dangerous bandaid.

 

And so the experience of loss has continued through years of taking various drugs and now trying to get off of them. What I have come to understand though, through lots of therapy and other healing work is that real healing occurs only when I am willing to  feel the pain instead of hiding from it in depression, or masking it with drugs. It simply does not go away until I am willing to experience it fully and am also willing to let it go. 

 

So much loss. I find myself sobbing just thinking about it. But at the same time I know that it truly is part of “the long journey back to myself and to my heart.” Thanks again ShiningLight!

 

 


1991: Start Prozac / 1993: Stop Prozac / 1995: Restart Prozac

1997: Add Wellbutrin / 2002: CT Prozac & Wellbutrin

2004-2017: Start 10mg Celexa & 150mg Wellbutrin 

2007: Add Ativan / 2009: Stop Ativan, start Klonopin & Seroquel

2012-2013: Taper off Klonopin & Seroquel

Aug 2017: Start tapering 10mg Celexa & 150mg Wellbutrin

Apr 2018: 6.5mg Celexa & 100mg Wellbutrin

Apr 2019: 5.4mg Celexa & 100mg Wellbutrin

Nov 2019: Start tapering Wellbutrin

Sept 2020: 5.4mg Celexa & 50mg Wellbutrin

 

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lalala

hi, I'm having a lot of emotions of grief and fear... regarding this process, I don't know hope to cope with the loneliness   the  dread of my lost time and

the limitations I have everyday, I feel stuck again and again  and fear the no life that is waiting and I am surrounded by people going on with there life its so painful

as I have limitations, and before this and wanted to improve my  not so great life, but I had  a life... now I'm like death , no energy, very little sleep at times, sxs that I can't control

and I don't see  a future , I don't know how to come to terms with this dysfunctional status and the not knowing ... i'm losing myself... 


2007-2016 citalopram 20mg -40mg

tappered and discontinued all of oct 2016 6 month taper  (wd symptom  insomnia and some ocd anxiety)

Nov.2016 -May 2017 cipralex 20mg

June-Sept 2017  xanax 0.25- 0.50mg   3 times a week

June 2017- Sept. 25.2017  Paxil  20mg - last week was 30mg bc of drug feeling reaction

Sept 27 - Oct 12 2017 Fluxatine 20mg

discontinuation Oct 13-18th 2017 withdrawal  from paxil and fluxatine

Reinstated Oct 19- 23 Fluxtine 10mg, Oct 24- 2 2017 Fluxatine 5mg,  Nov 2-19 2017   Fluxatine 10mg Dec-Jan 4 2018 Fluxatine 20mg, Reinstated Feb 18 2018  fluxatine 1mg, didnt work  June 6  Celexa  5mg than 10mg, June 3 Klonopin  .5 - 1mg,    june 11 oxazepam 5-10mg,   zopiclone in june  7.5mg  on and off,    June 24 reduced  to  5mg Celexa 

Nov. 20 2018 titration k  0.02mg reduction from 0.5- 0.380mg,  Nov.  25 2018  mourol 1 dose for cystitis

March started Brassmonkey method   0.30 k   current 0.28 k

celexa 5mg

 

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ten0275

hey @lalala, i remember feeling this way. it seemed really apparent that the rest of the world was moving forward and i was stuck, suffering, and out of commission. i remember feeling bitter seeing my family, co-workers, and friends going on with life, living it up as it were, while it was a good day for me if i could get out of bed, take a shower, keep a meal down, or walk to the mailbox. i felt very aware of that time that was slipping away. and i mourned it. further, i never thought i would get past mourning it - mostly because i believed i'd never be well enough too get past mourning it.

 

on the other side of it, now that i am actually living and doing the things that come with greater healing, the lost time doesn't seem so important anymore. i lost a couple solid years there, but looking back they just sort of blur together and i think of them as "that time, back then when everything was pain." i truly felt i would have some sort of post traumatic stress from the whole thing and while i have certainly had to deal with the loss and emotional pain of withdrawal, i find that it doesn't echo quite so loudly as i feared it would.

 

and to be honest, i did feel like i lost a lot of myself during that time - at least some very substantial portions of myself. but part of coming to terms with the process for me has been seeing the pieces of me that i lost, realizing that those parts were at least to some degree expendable, and coming to appreciate the newer facets of myself that have sprung up in their place. i had to forgive myself for taking the medications for so long, i had to forgive myself for early tapering mistakes in withdrawal, and i had to see the parts of withdrawal that made me stronger and more appreciative of life as a whole.

 

this is a philosophical question in a lot of ways, and my answer is just my opinion and what i experienced. but as resilient creatures, we do tend to find our own ways out of even the most dark and dire circumstances.

 

it is healthy to try to come to terms with what is happening.

 

hang in there,

 

dave


1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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lalala
35 minutes ago, ten0275 said:

hey @lalala, i remember feeling this way. it seemed really apparent that the rest of the world was moving forward and i was stuck, suffering, and out of commission. i remember feeling bitter seeing my family, co-workers, and friends going on with life, living it up as it were, while it was a good day for me if i could get out of bed, take a shower, keep a meal down, or walk to the mailbox. i felt very aware of that time that was slipping away. and i mourned it. further, i never thought i would get past mourning it - mostly because i believed i'd never be well enough too get past mourning it.

 

on the other side of it, now that i am actually living and doing the things that come with greater healing, the lost time doesn't seem so important anymore. i lost a couple solid years there, but looking back they just sort of blur together and i think of them as "that time, back then when everything was pain." i truly felt i would have some sort of post traumatic stress from the whole thing and while i have certainly had to deal with the loss and emotional pain of withdrawal, i find that it doesn't echo quite so loudly as i feared it would.

 

and to be honest, i did feel like i lost a lot of myself during that time - at least some very substantial portions of myself. but part of coming to terms with the process for me has been seeing the pieces of me that i lost, realizing that those parts were at least to some degree expendable, and coming to appreciate the newer facets of myself that have sprung up in their place. i had to forgive myself for taking the medications for so long, i had to forgive myself for early tapering mistakes in withdrawal, and i had to see the parts of withdrawal that made me stronger and more appreciative of life as a whole.

 

this is a philosophical question in a lot of ways, and my answer is just my opinion and what i experienced. but as resilient creatures, we do tend to find our own ways out of even the most dark and dire circumstances.

 

it is healthy to try to come to terms with what is happening.

 

hang in there,

 

dave

Hi Dave so kind of you  to write this wise message and  its resonates so much with me,  as if I would have written it myself, I'm a mess right now  and despite   coming to forums for support its a double edge sword  as it also opens to a world of hurt and horror which  I have been very much impacted  and having to deal with what will be. I appreciate so much you support and care... I know  its healthy, tiring  just having a melt down today...


2007-2016 citalopram 20mg -40mg

tappered and discontinued all of oct 2016 6 month taper  (wd symptom  insomnia and some ocd anxiety)

Nov.2016 -May 2017 cipralex 20mg

June-Sept 2017  xanax 0.25- 0.50mg   3 times a week

June 2017- Sept. 25.2017  Paxil  20mg - last week was 30mg bc of drug feeling reaction

Sept 27 - Oct 12 2017 Fluxatine 20mg

discontinuation Oct 13-18th 2017 withdrawal  from paxil and fluxatine

Reinstated Oct 19- 23 Fluxtine 10mg, Oct 24- 2 2017 Fluxatine 5mg,  Nov 2-19 2017   Fluxatine 10mg Dec-Jan 4 2018 Fluxatine 20mg, Reinstated Feb 18 2018  fluxatine 1mg, didnt work  June 6  Celexa  5mg than 10mg, June 3 Klonopin  .5 - 1mg,    june 11 oxazepam 5-10mg,   zopiclone in june  7.5mg  on and off,    June 24 reduced  to  5mg Celexa 

Nov. 20 2018 titration k  0.02mg reduction from 0.5- 0.380mg,  Nov.  25 2018  mourol 1 dose for cystitis

March started Brassmonkey method   0.30 k   current 0.28 k

celexa 5mg

 

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herod

I feel you. I've lost 6 months of my life, 2 years if you count how careless I was with my duties while on the medication. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

But with each passing month, we get a bit better. We will ALL heal -- you included. It's just a matter of time.

Think of the future when you'll be able to look back on your current state and honestly not even recognize yourself. All of this will eventually be behind you, and you'll be sittting in the sun somewhere and sipping a martini.


- March 2017: 50mg Sertraline starts

- August 2017: up to 100mg

- February 2018: down to 50mg

- November 2018: one-week taper down to 0mg

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readyfortheworld

@lalala I can relate with this. I feel like my life is wasting away while everyone is out, enjoying their lives. I’m young and I’m missing out a lot in life due to me dealing with withdrawal. 


Adepsique: January 2016 - July 2016 (took half a pill in the mornings for 6 months) the dosage was 5 mg of amitriptyline, 1.5 mg of diazepam, and 1 mg of perphenazine 

 

Escitalopram: 10 mg: July 2016 - April 2018

Olanzapine 2.5mg: July 2016 - October 2017

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lalala
1 hour ago, herod said:

I feel you. I've lost 6 months of my life, 2 years if you count how careless I was with my duties while on the medication. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

But with each passing month, we get a bit better. We will ALL heal -- you included. It's just a matter of time.

Think of the future when you'll be able to look back on your current state and honestly not even recognize yourself. All of this will eventually be behind you, and you'll be sittting in the sun somewhere and sipping a martini.

thank you dont know about martini... as alcohol makes me ill... I hope for better days right now in crisis 


2007-2016 citalopram 20mg -40mg

tappered and discontinued all of oct 2016 6 month taper  (wd symptom  insomnia and some ocd anxiety)

Nov.2016 -May 2017 cipralex 20mg

June-Sept 2017  xanax 0.25- 0.50mg   3 times a week

June 2017- Sept. 25.2017  Paxil  20mg - last week was 30mg bc of drug feeling reaction

Sept 27 - Oct 12 2017 Fluxatine 20mg

discontinuation Oct 13-18th 2017 withdrawal  from paxil and fluxatine

Reinstated Oct 19- 23 Fluxtine 10mg, Oct 24- 2 2017 Fluxatine 5mg,  Nov 2-19 2017   Fluxatine 10mg Dec-Jan 4 2018 Fluxatine 20mg, Reinstated Feb 18 2018  fluxatine 1mg, didnt work  June 6  Celexa  5mg than 10mg, June 3 Klonopin  .5 - 1mg,    june 11 oxazepam 5-10mg,   zopiclone in june  7.5mg  on and off,    June 24 reduced  to  5mg Celexa 

Nov. 20 2018 titration k  0.02mg reduction from 0.5- 0.380mg,  Nov.  25 2018  mourol 1 dose for cystitis

March started Brassmonkey method   0.30 k   current 0.28 k

celexa 5mg

 

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ShiningLight

@lalala 

 

Try not to assume this is the new normal. It feels like it is because it feels endless.  It might be the new normal for right now, but it is NOT the global new normal. Just as quickly (or maybe a little slower, but similarly!) to how you fell into this pit, you can find yourself out of it one day. Keep the hope!


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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drugged
On 12/5/2018 at 9:11 AM, Hibari said:

I am feeling this way today.   I am mourning what wd has taken from in terms of quality of life.

 

I'm 59 and in the past months have lost in a very quick fashion my professional career, social life and bearings in the world.  

 

I haven't been able to go out and have some residual chemical agoraphobia right now.  

 

I am hoping that as I feel better, I will get more of a perspective on what has happened.

 

I know it has been a spiritual journey and made me realize what really matters to me.   Now I'm just looking for the chance to live that life.

In 1995 I was put on antidepressants.  I became hypomanic but my doctor decided I had a personality disorder.  By 1997 I was on social security disability, my career prospects gone, my family estranged, my marriage hanging on by a thread.  24 years later I still have my marriage but I've totally lost all concept of who I am.  I developed chronic pain and cognitive difficulties and became virtually agoraphobic.  I have tardive dysphoria.  I am tapering off the AD but I have an entire cocktail of drugs that are effecting my mind and body.  I've lost so many years already and I'm at an age when I'm aware I don't have 30 or 40 years left to work with.  I feel so angry with the doctors who always saw the problem, however it manifested itself, as being me.  Never the drug(s), always me.  

 

I'm committed to tapering off as many of the drugs as I can but, at this point, I can't envision having much of a future left.  


1994  Venlafaxine XR 300mg, 2003 tapered, 2004 off briefly back to 37.5 then 75mg, held, June 2019 up to  150mg, Aug.12 tapered down to 112.5mgs, Oct. 21, 2019 96mg;  Dec. 8, 2019  90mg, Jan. 8 2020 81mg, Feb. 4, 75mg;

2003/2004? Diazepam 10mg/bedtime

2013 Lyrica 300mg to 25mg; April 6, 2020 17mg; April 28, <5mg; May 7, 2020 Lyrica 0 mg!

2013 Tramadol 50mg tablets, 200mg/day divided

2005? Trazodone 50mg bedtime, Feb. 12, 2020 40mg, March 7, 25mg

2009? Zolpidem 5mg at bedtime. Nov. 9, 2019 Zolpidem 0 mg! 

1990? Omeprazole 20mg in morning.

2010? Levothyroxine 75mcg morning

2011? Liothyronine 5mcg morning

1999? Buspirone 30mg twice a day  August 2019 15mg once a day,  Oct.21, 2019 2.5mg evening  Oct. 25, 2019 Buspirone 0 mg!

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ShiningLight
5 hours ago, drugged said:

 I developed chronic pain and cognitive difficulties and became virtually agoraphobic.  I have tardive dysphoria.  I am tapering off the AD but I have an entire cocktail of drugs that are effecting my mind and body.  I've lost so many years already and I'm at an age when I'm aware I don't have 30 or 40 years left to work with. 

 

Drugged, I am with you. This is my favorite thread on this site because I struggle with this issue daily. This thread is what convinced me to join this site. I take comfort in reading that people often start to feel better at lower dosages of the drugs even if they aren't off.

Sometimes for me I wonder if in looking back it looks worse than it actually was? It seems like I used to feel at least a little happier with my life even when I was fully on all these drugs. For me, coming off them does a number on my imagination... the question of how much better my life would have been is not positively answerable. Trying to imagine the answer is torture.

I think it can be helpful to volunteer or focus on other people. I haven’t done that yet because I struggle with my energy level. But I’ve been thinking about it. For me, I think it can also be helpful to remember that I was a willing participant (sort of, anyway) and that even if I had realized what this was doing to me, I don’t think I would have had the maturity to be able to make it through the process of getting off.  

I also wonder, as we get older, if it’s harder for our bodies to compensate for the negative impact or the extra work these drugs cause our brains and bodies. On top of that, there’s the withdrawal we have to get through.

It’s not uncommon for me to only be able to do one major thing a day on the weekend. Major for me is going to the store, or going to spiritual service. Very hard for me to both.

I find that when I can manage it, it helps me to be grateful for what I do have. Since one of the things you do have is your marriage, maybe it would help to try to focus on making your wife happy?

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. And I care.


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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Rhiannon
On 4/27/2019 at 11:45 PM, JB1234 said:

Hi I am new and don’t know if anyone is on this topic and more.  I am coming off celexa as well as clonazopam and feel like I feel like my old personality is coming out of hibernation from other episodes of my life. This is something I don’t find distressful. However, it seems like my memories of the past 10 years or so are a blur. I feel like I have been doped up. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?

Yes, very much

At various points throughout my tapering years, it's like I've reached a new level of "me"--remembering "oh yeah I remember feeling this way". But almost all of those memories are from before I started the Prozac in 1992. The years after that-- I of course remember specific incidents, where I lived, etc. and I remember what I thought about and a lot of what I did, but it's like I don't remember "me." It's strange. And unspeakably sad. And I am very, very angry about it.


Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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