Tolerating physical touch/romantic feelings

[Mermaid17]

Looking for insight in the recovery process regarding one's ability to tolerate and appreciate intimate physical touch. Not SEX, per se, but hugs, close proximity to others, more nurturing, loving and affectionate touch. My husband is down from 20 to 5 mg of Lexapro, and his personality seems much more intact, but he still cannot tolerate touch from me. He can be physically affectionate with the kids, thank God, but has no ability to enjoy even casual touch from me. He's had no libido on the meds too . . . though I worry he'll regain sexual interest before his romantic bonds towards me are prepared. 

 

He left me a year ago after months of terrible, just terrible behavior towards me following the doubling of his meds spring 2016. Very classic loss of interest in any romantic connections, those bonds completely inaccessible. But now that I can see his personality returning, I am wondering about the part where he can value and participate in our marriage again. Looking for HOPE. Signs I should look for. Hearing that for others it has been similar, that those romantic bonds might return last but not least. That they do return, the fog lifts. What has that been LIKE for other SSRI victims? 

 

(As an aside, though he never bailed on the kids, he has become MORE engaging and affectionate with them the last 6 months or so. Last year when our older two would kiss him on the lips, he'd wipe his mouth afterwards. Now he doesn't do that, and is more hands on.) I tried to hug him this morning and he said, "I don't like that." It clearly made him to uncomfortable, and I experienced that reaction to basic touch from me off and on for YEARS. But if his feelings were on a dimmer switch for those years, the switch is now firmly OFF. I'm looking for insight as to what the process of it turning back on might look like. 

 

 

[Marsha]

Hi Mermaid. The recovery from this aspect I guess is different for each of us affected in this way. But in my own case,  after more than a decade having no libido, no affection toward my husband, slowly I recovered it all. I began to recover things like music, then the the beauty of nature, and my romantic feelings and the ability to be touched again by my husband all returned. Yes all of it returned.

[bruno2016]

During WD, I was like this with my girlfriend at that time. She really was hurt by my lack of touch, love, intimacy, etc. The WD, and the drugs in general, seem to numb us, suppress feelings, or push us away from others. There is something sinister going on with these drugs and their effects on the human emotions. 

 

I have been off all these harmful drugs for years now and I would say my normal human emotions, ability to love and be loved, and all that, returned after a couple years. I am now in a normal relationship and share much love with my partner. 

[Mermaid17]

Thank you both. It means so much to have that affirmed, that it is entirely possible his ability to feel love for me will be restored.  Can either of you offer any insight as to what it was like for you to regain that emotional connection? Did you have an awareness as it was returning? When those romantic bonds were severed did you have an awareness that it was the meds or did you just think it was normal, life? He is very much spellbound and refuses to make any connections with the medication and his loss of feelings. He readily admits the timing for such things adds up but insists it’s just what was gonna happen with us. He blames the problems that arose between us as a result Of our poor communication focusing on how much aggravation it caused rather than the fact that he was withdrawn to begin with. All of our issues are rooted in the fact he became unable to participate in our marriage due to the medication. He simply thinks it’s us, but he used to blame just me much more than he seems to be doing lately. Again thank you so much for responding to me. I am very isolated in this crisis and it helps so much to hear from other people who know exactly what I’m talking about. God bless you both.

[Marsha]

51 minutes ago, Mermaid17 said:

Thank you both. It means so much to have that affirmed, that it is entirely possible his ability to feel love for me will be restored.  Can either of you offer any insight as to what it was like for you to regain that emotional connection? Did you have an awareness as it was returning? When those romantic bonds were severed did you have an awareness that it was the meds or did you just think it was normal, life? He is very much spellbound and refuses to make any connections with the medication and his loss of feelings. He readily admits the timing for such things adds up but insists it’s just what was gonna happen with us. He blames the problems that arose between us as a result Of our poor communication focusing on how much aggravation it caused rather than the fact that he was withdrawn to begin with. All of our issues are rooted in the fact he became unable to participate in our marriage due to the medication. He simply thinks it’s us, but he used to blame just me much more than he seems to be doing lately. Again thank you so much for responding to me. I am very isolated in this crisis and it helps so much to hear from other people who know exactly what I’m talking about. God bless you both.

Hi Mermaid. Let's see. I first started responding to my children also as your husband appears to be able to do now. It was an awareness of what was around me, music I hadn't listened to for a long time started to bring tears as I would carefully listen to the lyrics and melodies. Appreciation of the outdoors, mists, fog, intricate beauty of flowers, etc. Music brought back pleasant memories of our lives previous to the drugs. A little memory here, one there, and I realized how much I missed my husband. I also looked through old photos of us and saw how handsome he was/is and saw his happy smiling face with me and our children. We very gradually began to communicate. We were able to spend some time alone while traveling along the west coastal United States and during that time my love,  affections, romantic feelings, were fully restored. If your husband is still on the drug,  carefully tapering is a key factor. No more cold turkey if possible. That distupts everything. If he can or is stable right now, a very careful taper of 10 % or less of the most recent dose per month has worked for many. Our moderator Brassmonkey is a good example of this. There are many, many all over the world who have recovered Mermaid. Yes, many of us were spellbound just like your husband and didn't connect the dots to the drugs. And of course there may be relationship issues that need to be addressed in time. In many cases,  it's the one closest to us who we completely lose affection for. But take heart, once his love and affection toward you is restored, your marriage quite possibly will be even better thanyou can imagine. 

[manymoretodays]

That's awesome Marsha.  I'm glad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid17]

22 hours ago, Marsha said:

Hi Mermaid. Let's see. I first started responding to my children also as your husband appears to be able to do now. It was an awareness of what was around me, music I hadn't listened to for a long time started to bring tears as I would carefully listen to the lyrics and melodies. Appreciation of the outdoors, mists, fog, intricate beauty of flowers, etc. Music brought back pleasant memories of our lives previous to the drugs. A little memory here, one there, and I realized how much I missed my husband. I also looked through old photos of us and saw how handsome he was/is and saw his happy smiling face with me and our children. We very gradually began to communicate. We were able to spend some time alone while traveling along the west coastal United States and during that time my love,  affections, romantic feelings, were fully restored. If your husband is still on the drug,  carefully tapering is a key factor. No more cold turkey if possible. That distupts everything. If he can or is stable right now, a very careful taper of 10 % or less of the most recent dose per month has worked for many. Our moderator Brassmonkey is a good example of this. There are many, many all over the world who have recovered Mermaid. Yes, many of us were spellbound just like your husband and didn't connect the dots to the drugs. And of course there may be relationship issues that need to be addressed in time. In many cases,  it's the one closest to us who we completely lose affection for. But take heart, once his love and affection toward you is restored, your marriage quite possibly will be even better thanyou can imagine. 

 Thank you Marsha this means so much. I hate to pester you more but I would love to know if you and your husband ever separated while you were emotionally blunted from the meds. Did you ever attribute your loss your feelings to anything other than the medication? Did you ever blame him or an unhealthy dynamic between you? It seems so obvious that the reasons my husband justified his leaving were rooted in that withdrawn behavior provoked by the meds in the first place, it is a self for filling hellish nightmare. He seems to be at the very beginning of maybe acknowledging that. Still I just aches for him every day. I do not know what to do other than pray and be as loving as I can. I am hoping that maybe with the holidays he will be susceptible to some nostalgia that he could not appreciate on the meds at the full dose. He seems to be holding steady at 5 mg but has no intention of getting off of them anytime soon. I hope that even at this lower dose his feelings for me you can begin to return. Because then he might be willing to really truly taper about 10% rate I told him about. The reductions he made the last six months were very drastic and he’s very lucky to not have crashed.

 

I believe God has given us this crisis so that we could have an awareness of what the meds have been doing to him all along. I had learned to tolerate so much less of him but I missed him all the time. I love love love that you said that there is the hope of a marriage even better and stronger than we had ever imagined. That is what I am hoping and praying for.